R.W. Richard's Blog, page 19

Anatomy of a Hallmark Movie

Anatomy of a Hallmark Movie Although people think of these movies as comfortable shoes, Hallmark follows Hollywood guidelines. Movies and plays are made for profit. Two thousand four hundred years ago, our most brilliant philosopher, Aristotle, discovered what people enjoy and why they enjoyed it. We want to identify, have empathy for, and emote with the characters. We live a three-act play. We grow up, have productive middle years, then slow down and enjoy the fruits of our labors. Making a movie or play usually doesn’t follow a lifetime, not if you’d like to tell a story that lasts 90 minutes. No matter the time, it’s about overcoming obstacles to reach a goal or goals. Aristotle discovered that most problems demand a solution in which the protagonist has time left over to enjoy the fruits of victory, because the audience usually wants to see the protagonist rewarded. Remember, a play or movie is most often life changing. Not a life story. There are two types of story. 1. The hero and/or heroine struggle with themselves (interior) and/or other people. Nothing else in the physical world changes. 2. The hero and/or heroine struggle with interior and exterior threats (as in all Hallmarks). The first type is hard to sell to a producer and for that matter to readers. All stories have endings. Most are happy or satisfying. Some say Hallmark is predictable, but so are all the genre movies made in Hollywood. A good Hallmark will deliver a few surprises or twists and other entertainment along the way to a HEA (happily ever after). A “two hour” Hallmark movie, minus commercials, is approximately 1:20 to 1:30 minutes long. Act 1 is the set-up and takes you at around minute 17 through 20 to the first commercials (around 5 minutes worth). Act 1includes introducing: 1. The settings. 2.The hero and his challenges. 3. The heroine and her challenges. 4. Usually the most important reflection characters. The reflection character is known by many names: Sidekick, wizard, spirit, mystical creature, family, co-worker, buddy, kid. As an example, at a wedding the kid sitting among kids and next to the hero and heroine (the only two adults at the table) says something about how the hero and that pretty lady (the only two adults at the table) are meant for each other. Reflection characters usually present the dual story question and never stop pestering until the hero and/or heroine get it right. “What’s stopping you from finding your person? The love of your life? Soulmate, etc.?” 5. Both the main interior and exterior problems are identified. Basically, this is the plot. 6. There is a scene in most romantic comedies that bring the hero and heroine together for a short time and generally in a humorous way: 6a. The cute-meet, also known as the meet-cute. Most of the time this often funny scene—the cute-meet—sets them at odds, either immediately or a short time later. 6b. A disaster brings them together. 6c. The fake-out. This technique shows someone other than the hero or heroine cute-meeting to throw the audience off or raise the stakes. 6d. The hero and heroine, having previously known each other, meet again, usually after a substantial amount of time prior to the movie’s start. 7. The initial internal and external struggles are introduced. Act 2makes its way through four or five commercials. Here most scenes up-the-stakes. Every scene explores the hero and heroine’s goals motivations and conflicts. It brings you to the dark moment (where all is lost) somewhere between 1:30 and 1:49 minutes (depending on complexity and subplots). Act 2 explores a new world in which the inciting incident, in many cases, a combination of the reflection characters’ recommendations and the cute-meet, propel the story forward. This new world puts the hero and heroine together whether they like it or not. For act 2 and part of act 3 they can vary between being antagonists and protagonists against and for each other. They develop feelings, which often they submerge or deny. A good story shows the hero and heroine constantly changing in a believable way with the reflection character(s) there to argue for or against. Toward the end of Act 2 the couple typically try to kiss. They are almost always interrupted. You may call this a Hallmark signature. Another Hallmark signature is the lack of sex. Their movies are about love and family. They portray the way to a happy life, a life worth living. The hero and heroine are shown trying on love and exploring the possibility that their opposite might change their life. Hallmark sex goes something like this. His eyes light up as she descends the staircase in a lovely dress. He tells her how beautiful she is but not in a suggestive way. No, it’s a compliment based on earnest appreciation. Give him a break, he’s falling in love. Lust is a finely hidden subtext. Love forms in Act 2. The dark moment or moments occur at the cusp of act 2 and 3 when the hero and/or heroine vow to go back to their old life and say so to the other. One or both are giving up. “Get out of my life.” This change in direction happens because the story keeps raising the stakes on their problems to the breaking point or through the more trivial misunderstanding. Comic relief characters and or reflection characters (they may be the same) act as guide posts and/or sounding boards. The antagonist, if there is one—other than the doubts of hero and heroine—does his or her best to thwart the HEA. Examples of antagonists: current or old boyfriend(s)/girlfriend(s), business competitors, other suitors, the job, deadlines, conflicting goals (i.e. she wants to foreclose on his ranch), way of life, etc. Use your imagination. Sometimes, in funnier stories, inept or goofy helpers of the antagonist are introduced. Act 3. Usually the most developed reflection character asks why the hero and/or heroine is backing out. Any character can discover the misunderstanding or a weakness in the breaking point and reveal it. Then the hero and/or heroine try to find each other to make amends and declare their love. HEA. Are you ready to write a romance or any other type of novel, stage, or screen play? If so, follow these guidelines. The audience expects certain exciting things to happen in the story that make them feel the pain, frustration, despair, love, change, and growth as your characters adapt to a new world introduced in Act 1.

Hallmark and Meghan Markle

Hallmark never called. I had given them a hard time for never having a black heroine, but I was wrong. There’s about-to-be-princess, Meghan Markle. She starred in two Hallmarks. She’s half black. So that’s two movies. Therefore, they get full credit. Keep up the good work. [Really, if they make approx. 30 movies a year and the population is 10% black and they’ve been making movies since mid-2001 (at a lessor rate), I’ll leave the math to you, if you care about this.]
Dater’s Handbook, 2016.
When Sparks Fly,2014.
As you all know, I loved the Hallmark channel’s romances and romantic comedies. Before I highlight another writer’s take on Ms. Markle I want you to tune in next week. I’ve figured out how to write a Hallmark movie, if you are inclined to try. Thank you, Estelle Tang of Elle Magazine. Your writing is exquisite.
A Thorough Guide to Meghan Markle's Hallmark Films
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By Estelle Tang (for Elle Magazine)
Dec 21, 2017
336
Meghan Markle's most recent role might have been as the clever Rachel Zane on Suits, but did you know she has also been in two Hallmark Channel movies? Yes, it's true! You want to watch them so bad, don't you? Yes, you do! It's the most perfect way to while away a few hours.
Cozily predictable, #relatable, and all kinds of sweet fun, When Sparks Fly and Dater's Handbook are just what Hallmark movies should be: the movie equivalents of Uggs. The future Duchess is just as approachably charming to watch as you'd expect; she radiates loveable charisma as a capable, professional woman on the hunt for love. (It's a shame neither film involves a prince, but we have real life for that, I guess!)
If you're curious about Markle, there's lots of fodder here. You can see her laugh, cry, and kiss non-Prince Harrys, all in delightfully digestible packages. To help you along your way, here's everything you need to know about When Sparks Fly and Dater's Handbook. (For one thing, both movies involve cake.) And when you're done, watch Markle explain her love for Hallmark in an interview here. I think all of this calls for a new holiday: Happy HallMarkle!
Note: Spoilers galore!
Dater's Handbook
[image error] Who does Meghan Markle play? Cassandra Brand, a.k.a Cass, a smart business owner who just keeps picking the wrong men! (LOL, in real life, she's engaged to a prince, don't worry.) She seems to be a very nice lady. Note: She loves her dog, Duke, a lot. She even has a dog treadmill for him! Those cost, like, $600!

The dog can WALK ITSELF, okay?
What's the set-up? Relationship expert Dr. Susie is holding court on morning TV. "Why are so many women having issues finding the right men in today's dating world?" she asks. "Ladies, the problem is not the men in your life...It's you." Ouch. Luckily, she's selling a manual for gals who struggle to choose good guys. It's called (can you guess?) The Dater's Handbook. "My husband is consistent, predictable, and average in every way," Dr. Susie says. That's what you should want! Cass is not having it. Or is she?
Who is her terrible boyfriend? Meet Peter (Matt Hamilton). On the one hand, he brings her free wings at the bar where he works! Honestly, put him in the Boyfriend Hall of Fame. On the other hand, he can't remember basic facts about his gf. For example, she's allergic to honey—which happens to be in the wings he brought her. Honestly, get it together!
Given this thoughtlessness, it's no surprise when Peter refuses to accompany Amy to her employee's wedding. Sorry, but Peter doesn't doweddings. Sure, I get it, the wedding industrial complex is a scam! Oh, wait: He's not taking a principled stand. He just hates being asked when HE'S going to get married.
So Cass is going to said nuptials on her own. Dump him, I say! Which she eventually does, when she realizes his idea of a great date is to have her watch him practice his baseball swing. Zzzzzz. Bye, Peter.
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You sure about that tie, dude?
Meet-Cute #1: At the wedding, Cass gets put at the kids' table. Hehehehe. So does Robert Zappia (Kristoffer Polaha), whose lavender tie is a bit questionable, but whatever. He's at the kids' table too, and defuses the situation by calling it "the best table in the entire place." To which one little lass in a flower crown giggles and says, "You're one cool dude." I wish I were joking, but I am not.
Cass eats some of Wedding Guy's cake, which, as I now know after "accidentally" doing this to everyone I ever meet, might be considered "flirting" by some. Does he know she's not single? I don't think so. Miss Flower Crown tells Robert he'd better ask our gal on a date, but before he knows it, she's goner than Gone Girl. Better luck next time, friend.
Meet-Cute #2: Cass and Robert meet at the dog park. Wearing the same thing. With basically the same dog. His dog's name is Daisy, and remember, her dog's name is Duke. DAISY and DUKE. HOKAY. They might as well hire a plane to skywrite "Made For Each Other."
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"Voulez-vous coucher avec moi? Hahahaha, JK. I will have the steak tartare."
But wait a minute...: Our girl must be lit up like a Christmas tree, because next thing you know, a very (very, very, very) happy customer asks her on a date, and she's like, "Uh, ohhhhhh, I...um, I think, sure, yes?" Said gentleman, George, is not exactly the epitome of "chill." "Great. I will call and make the appropriate arrangements," he says. Wow, sounds like a very reliable, predictable, nice guy! Methinks Dr. Susie would approve. (But I don't? First, he's a client, and second, he's boring AF. DON'T DO IT, CASS.)
He takes her to a French restaurant, where he proceeds to ORDER IN FRENCH. Siren emoji! He also doesn't laugh at any of her adorable jokes. Call the fun police! There's a dullard on the loose, and I think he works for them.
You know what's really annoying? When your nosy sister encourages you to date the Living Piece of Cardboard instead of the Pretty Charismatic Despite His Lavender Tie Guy. But sister Nadia (Christine Chatelain) is adamant: Dr. Susie is right! Boring is best! Sigh.
But you know what's really awesome? When your mom (Lynda Boyd) meets Breathing Drywall and is like, "I don't think so, babe! The other guy has a personality!"
Do they kiss? The answer is yes.
When Sparks Fly


Who does Meghan Markle play? Amy Peterson of Lakeside, Washington, has a sweet best friend, Sammie (Kristina Pesic), with whom she loves to eat cupcakes. A true family girl, Amy helps her parents out with their fireworks business. As well as cupcakes, she loves chips and ribs. Amy's a simple gal with simple tastes! Just like you 'n' me. She also has nice boyfriend, Hank (Christopher Jacot). He's a perfectly nice boyfriend! But...we'll see about that.
The Fourth of July: By the way, I hope you like the Fourth of July, because this movie is literally about the Fourth of July! I counted, and they say "Fourth of July" about one millionty times. Which means I have to, as well.
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Here is an actual printed photograph depicting young love.
The set-up: Amy just got the job of her dreams, as a reporter for the Chicago Post. Which is too bad for Hank, who's hiding an engagement ring behind his back—which he sadly tucks back into his pocket when he hears her good news. Heartbroken Hank! Don't worry, we'll be seeing you again.
Fast-forward: Seven years later, there's Meghan Markle, I mean, Amy, in Chicago! She's sitting in an editorial meeting and pitches a story about her parents and their fireworks company, just in time for...THE FOURTH OF JULY. Looks like our girl is heading home for the holiday.
But wait, there's a Fancy Guy in the picture now: Amy's Great Chicago Adventure did get in the way of her and Hank's relationship, after all. Now, she's seeing big-shot Phil (Lochlyn Munro), a man of refined interests; he travels a lot, talks about opera, and takes her to a French restaurant. (Again with the bistros!) But remember, Amy is not a fancy lady. She orders a hamburger instead of the foie gras terrine or whatever French people eat. Don't judge her. She likes ribs! She stores her shoes in the oven! Hmmmm, this love match seems like a mismatch to me.
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Yes, this is her WEDDING DRESS. I told you Sammie loves the Fourth of July.
Back at home: You HAVE to be kidding me. Apparently, Sammie—Amy's BEST FRIEND—is engaged to Hank, Amy's ex???? And didn't tell her????? And now they're getting married. That's weird, right? So weird. Sammie, you're not the best friend I've ever seen, TBH.
Also, Sammie has gone full Bridezilla. She has fired three wedding planners. Her wedding theme is THE FOURTH OF JULY. She wants everything to be red, white, and blue. Hank, get out of there! Your fiancée makes poor decisions. Plus, you're clearly still in love with Amy, so that's a thing.
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That’s the look of a man in love...with the wrong lady.
Look, Amy is having doubts: Everyone is impressed with her; she made it in the big city. But coming home has given her a different perspective: “I know it probably seems pretty good on paper, this big hectic life I have," she says. "But sometimes I just feel like none of it is real." Cue violins.
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Like, really, really big doubts: In the middle of the wedding rehearsal dinner, Amy can't handle it anymore and goes outside for some air. Hank follows like a puppy, trying to sniff out what's wrong. (And whether she still loves him.) "I went after the wrong dream," says Amy tearfully. "I just didn’t realize it. And I lost the person I cared about the most." Hank is all about to be like I LOVE YOU, but here comes Sammie. Oops.
All's well that ends well: Honestly, Sammie's pissed that her fiancé is still in love with his old girlfriend and that her best friend stole her fiancé. But if we're all being honest here, she deserved what was coming to her for having this heinous themed wedding. Anyhow, she forgives Amy, because she realized she was more excited about the wedding itself (convenient). And guess who also happens to just love the Fourth of July? A certain fancypants called Phil...ah, don't you love a happy ending?
Dater's Handbook is scheduled to air on Hallmark Channel on February 10. When Sparks Fly can be streamed at Hallmark Movies Now.
BACK TO BOB: I commented to a politically incorrect friend about Meghan starring in 2 Hallmarks and he said, "she doesn't look black." Now, my friend's heart is in the right place, but that's a ridiculous observation. Her looks are exotic, subtle. Meghan, to me, is beautiful. Do you think hallmark knew? Of course, they did. And bravo, no matter the dearth of follow up.

About commas

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
of commas
I have written earlier in this manual about why a liberal use of commas, especially while trying to show a pause of some kind, leads to rejection by agents and editors.
The Chicago Manual of Style, 17thedition, 2017, has twenty pages devoted to commas. Other manuals have similar girth. To make comma rules easier to remember, I’ve boiled down Chicago’s twenty pages to a quick, essential list.


I. Commas nearly always are placed on both sides of an added thought or a name in a sentence. Remember, a simple sentence has one thought. Rule: Add a thought; add a comma. Or two commas if the thought doesn’t end with a period. Hardly anyone understands the rare exceptions to this rule, so forget about it.
Examples:
The boss entered the room.
The boss, Matt Green, entered the room.
The boss, who was supposed to be somewhere else, entered the room.
Yes, sir. [not: Yes sir.]
Yes, sir, boss.


II. Commas are used to separate three or more items or thoughts. The last thought or item is usually preceded by an and or an or. When not preceded by an or or and the author is implying more items are not going to be mentioned, at least in this sentence. Note here that, in fiction, commas should be used instead of brackets, parentheses and sometimes em dashes. Using an em dash highlights the phrase or clause and is the author’s choice. Brackets, em dashes, and parentheses do much the same thing as a comma. They all separate two or more thoughts.
Examples:
Kathy brought grapes, crackers, and cheese to the meeting.
Kathy might read from her blog, short story, or novel.
An exception occurs when the adjectives say much the same thing, or they refer to a cultural expression, such as: little bitty pretty one… Note: little and bitty are much the same but pretty is different and would normally merit a comma if not at the end of the list Not that song lyrics or titles follow the rules of fiction or any other norm. By the way, not putting an and between bitty and pretty implies there’s more to this gal or it didn’t match the beats. Good enough, right?


III. Commas are used between two items or adjectives modifying a noun unless the adjectives describe much the same thing.
Examples:
She is a productive, popular writer. Not using an and between the two adjectives implies there is more.
She is like an little bitty doll. Some authors might choose to place a hyphen between little and bitty but that is getting small.
On July 4, 1776, a nation was born.
He lives at 1234 Main St., Anywhere, USA.


IV. Dependent clauses after a main clause should not need a comma, unless the dependent clause is supplementary or parenthetical. There is a vast army of writers who get this wrong. Editors and agents usually don’t ding the writer for this.
Example:
We’ll agree to not talk politics at the meeting unless we have extra time. […unless we have extra time is the dependent clause.]
Example of a supplementary idea:
At last he arrived, after the vote was taken.
Example of a parenthetical idea:
He has a point, whether you agree or not.


V. Using that or which in a sentence. That has no comma before it and generally is used to start a restrictive clause. Along with that one might see or use who, whom or whose to introduce the restriction. Which does have a comma before it and is not usually the beginning of a restrictive thought.
Examples:
The chapter that was required, was informative.
The chapter, which was well written, was well received by the critique group.
Exception:
Who, whom & whose will merit commas if used in a nonrestrictive way. [Using & instead of and in the previous sentence shows a minor exception to commas in series. With the & you don’t need one.]
Example:
The writer, who was drunk while reading, nonetheless managed. [The clause starting with the word who, described the writer but did not restrict the subject of the sentence.]


VI. Clarity rules all comma usage when trying to figure out sense or whether to use or not use the normal rules.
Examples:
The writer, reading his scene, stopped and threw his pages into the circular file.
Writers reading their scenes should not stop even if they hate them.


VII. One doesn’t always have to put a comma after an opening adverbial phrase if it is completely clear without the comma.
Example:
Before the writing group stood a writer of great fame.


VIII. A comma should follow an introductory yes, no, okay, well, and similar words or phrases.
Examples:
Oh, you’re right.
Exception:
Oh my God! [If you use an exclamation point, the comma isn’t necessary, but you might as well not submit your manuscript.]


IX. Use a comma before or after a she said or she replied, etc.
She said, “that was the worst scene I’ve ever heard.”
“Was that the worst scene you’ve ever heard,” she asked?
She replied, “you’re just jealous.”
An exception occurs when using an indirect quote:
She said something to the effect that you were just jealous.


X. Commas are not usually used to connect independent clauses. Usually a semi-colon or period is used unless the clauses are very short and have the same subject. Why? Well, maybe the two clauses shouldn’t really be in one sentence.
Examples:
The car has a full tank. All we need is a place to go.


Okay, for those of you who are grammarians or are blessed with a photographic memory. You might say I forgot a bit, such as, appositves, antithetical clauses, attributive compounds, elliptical constructions… Stop. Stop. Remember, Jesus, basically boiled down the ten commandments to two. Love God. Love your neighbor.
Being profane, I’ll make this simpler. Regarding commas:
Separate the sentence thoughts and items with commas but always err on the side of clarity.

Moral relativism

Two sisters (heroines) come to the U.S. and meet and marry. One hero is conservative and the other is liberal. The gals, not knowing American politics, start leaning to the political direction of their husbands. Why? Well, you're heard many clichés about this. Finishing each others sentences, picking up traits, mannerisms. Basically, like all marriages, the man and wife compromise to get along.

But, you say, didn't they have politics in their home country? Yes, but it might have seemed different or unclear. Perhaps they were just learning life or had no interest as yet. Perhaps, they lived in a place where speaking up would lead to punishment. I think of the poor Iranian girl who died of an indiscriminate bullet, as seen on video, while she and many others were protesting or just going from one place to another. This young woman yearned to be free..

As time went on, the sisters and their husbands grew in love and respect becoming best friends in spite of their differing, and strongly held, views. They learned to minimize political discussions around each other because they found love to be the truth.

Am I suggesting moral relativism? No. first let's go over some of the ideas that divide and unite us. Abortion, climate, religion, atheism, pragmatism, egotism, a priori truths, sexual preferences, gun rights, human rights, animal rights...

I'll pick one. A priori truths. Nearly everybody agrees that all men are created equal. Many take it a step further to believe and practice the golden rule. Nearly every philosophy, lays down as the tenant to life that we must treat (do to) another human being as we would want to be treated (done to).

Have I painted myself into a corner? No, realize that your friend of differing opinion has had different life experiences. I don't know about you, but when writing, I look at the arc. In life, I abhor those who act in criminal ways or don't, through their actions or words, live by the golden rule. I don't blame those who side with this antagonist in real life. I don't try to educate them. Why? To educate you must have the time and understanding of what makes them tick. You must walk in their shoes and try on their inner motivations. Nearly impossible unless you are a writer. If it gets serious in this country, at least we have the courts. Lead by example. If the person is receptive to discussion, they'll let you know.

Back to the two couples. They are real. It occurs all the time. Who among us is so smug to be the only one to know the truth. I suggest, the truth is in our common humanity based on life experiences and emotions more the logic. The reason you can't change the other too easily should be logically obvious. Typically for every opinion or belief there is an opposite and equal counterbalancing opinion. 50% of this country is Republican, 50% democrat. Who's right? God has often so finely balanced us by making women and men different along with opinions on problems we confront. It's our job to seek the truth, but don't forget to honor a person who is also seeking the truth that may seem at odds with your understanding. I'm not going to argue with the Creator.

Since this is part of everybody's lives, it can be used as a tool in writing. Be real, showing emotion and logic is about the struggle to understand oneself and the other.

Clarity in writing

CLARITY
Lack of clarity in a submission is the number one reason why an author’s work gets rejected. Think about it. Clarity can be, and for my purposes, is found in the previous nine reasons that lead to rejection.
1.      ! The use of symbols when words are better. An exclamation point has more than one meaning.
2.      Blasting queries. Using the one size fits all approach shows the agent or editor that you either didn’t think through your submission or you didn’t care.
3.      Not reading books on writing is like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. Reading clarifies in the writer’s mind which of many paths to take.
4.      Not joining critique groups, going to conferences or joining genre organizations leaves the author uncertain how to proceed (and without kindred spirits).
5.      Commas are much like exclamation points regarding clarity. Using commas to show breathing, pause, surprise, confusion, stroke etc. confuses the agent or editor. Because the comma isn’t a word, it’s anybody’s guess why those extra commas are there.
6.      Overusing complicated and multi-thought sentences is like knocking out an opponent in a boxing match. Except you are the loser.
7.      If the first chapter is used to set up the story by immersing the reader in the normal life of the protagonist, the agent or editor will reject the manuscript. They don’t understand because the author’s purpose is unclear.
8.      Head hopping or omniscient narration leaves agents. editors and potential readers confused.
9.      A lack of emotion in a character leads to a lack of emotional attachment in the story by the reader. To be clear, emotion in a character, as I define it, is not all about crying, laughing, smiling, etc. It’s precisely how a character reacts, acts, thinks or talks in any given situation. Done right, the reader is hooked, because they “get” (understand) and identify with the character.
10.  Clarity.
Clarity brings a scene and book into focus. Say Moby Dick and most people will be able to speak in metaphors and about memorable characters.
Crisp dialogue gives a story a magical or charming quality. Is there anybody out there who has not a clue what movie this came from, “I’ll have what she’s having” or “Here’s looking at you, kid”? Here's a harder one, "nobody's perfect". Stilted dialogue is often bogged down and defined by clichés, unnatural usage or wordiness. Less is more and original but understood expressions are what we all want.
Although interior intimate thought can meander to show indecision, we need to keep an eye on tentative resolution in the character’s mind or, at least, some change in the arc of the character. If the character is lost for too long, often the reader will find ways to lose the book.
A character cannot remain stoic while all hell is breaking loose about him scene after scene. Why? The character shows no change, no action. A novel is all about change. Otherwise it could be called the diary of a mad author.

Wall around my heart

I wrote this song, but can't sing. Anybody out there interested in collaborating? Must have a voice! We can put this on YouTube and share the rewards, if any. I'm good with any style and rewrite, well, rewriting is our business. Also this song can be flipped to the male POV (but you have got to be a guy, in that case).
Wall Around My Heart
by Bob Richard
 
I’ll build a wall around my heart,
And you’re goin’ to pay for it.
 
The surf licks your footprints,
But you aren’t really here.
Pretty boys playin,’ flirtin’, wear your face,
You’re gone baby, and that ain’t fair.
Is that you riding a breaker?
Waving bye, baby, bye. I swear.
 
I’ll build a wall around my heart,
And you’re goin’ to pay for it.
 
I pick up a shell, hear words of love,
Yeah…the gulls linger, laugh above.
My tears can’t stop falling on the tide,
Just makes sea levels rise.
In pirouette, I bury my toes. It’s galling,
No one to keep me from falling.
 
I’ll build a wall around my heart,
And you’re goin’ to pay for it.
 
Yes, you could come back to me,
But you don’t, do you?
Yes, we might dance on sand again,
But you won’t, boo hoo.
Mist tastes of kisses, the breeze of your body,
But you’ll not run back. You woe woe won’t.
 
I’ll build a wall around my heart,
And you’re goin’ to pay for it.
 
So, I’ll wonder along this beach for a mile.
A sea lion flashes a wicked smile.
Trip over seaweed, step on tiny creatures.
All I spy are your features.
Wonder if you’ll surprise me, change of heart.
Grab me, thrill me. Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
Maybe you’re over a sand dune with some other girl,
Sand on her bottom. Yeah. Sure. Sure. Sure.
 
I’ll build a wall around my heart,
And you’re goin’ to pay for it.
 
I’ll build a wall.
I’ll build a wall,
Around my heart.
[FADE, LAUGH] And you’ll pay, ’cause you miss me.

Santa's Wish

I wrote this for my grandsons because their mom, mu daughter, is battling cancer. I picked up ten-year-old Kai from school and asked him to read it. When he was done I asked him, his opinion. He liked it but said there was a comma missing five lines down: “About a year after Michael died[add comma] her baby started…” He also suggested I supply a reason for why the weight-year-old girl had a big vocabulary. Although Kai is well read, it tickled me because who’s smarter than a fifth grader?


Santa’s Wish
by RW Richarddedicated to Kai, Ian and Sebastian


Mother and daughter, sipping hot cocoas, stood in a long line for Macy’s Santa. Although a workaholic City Attorney, Holly Lombardy, would always have time for her baby, Michelle. Besides, snow and high winds awaited them for their walk home down Broadway to Chelsea.
“Mommy, you got to.”
About a year after Michael died, her baby started a precocious campaign to get a boyfriend for her mom. Now, about three years after her husband’s death in Afghanistan, her eight-year-old, armed with more reason, became relentless. On top of that, her love of reading and school, Michelle played or read in her mom's home office, often while Holly engaged in complex conversations via phone.
“It’s you have to, sweetheart. Not got to.”
“Do you think of me? I might want a daddy presence in the house.”
Holly smiled. What planet did this little exasperator hail from? Nonetheless, Michelle was her whole world and Holly loved it that way.
“There are such little things, like love, to consider. I still miss and love your daddy.” The line to Santa moved closer to where she could just see an elf’s ear.
“We both know that love is infinitely big.”
“You don’t need to use big. It’s redundant.”
“You aren’t on the point, mommy. It’s called avoidance.”
“You’re called a nuisance.”
Her baby pouted. After Michelle spent some time looking at the train circling nearby, and a boy waiving, they were almost in front of Santa.
“Is he a classmate?”
“He’s just a boy. We need a man.”
Holly burst out laughing.
“Santa will see you now.”
Santa, aka NYPD Detective Sam Samuels, was indeed seeing them now. There she was, that hot shot NYC attorney. That hot everything woman with puckish face and blow-you-away personality. A woman that he admired from afar, being a gutless wonder.
Soon she’d be a little closer and if reindeers had antlers he’d find a way to speak to her.
The red-haired, curly-topped child climbed onto his lap. “What’s your name, little girl?”
“I’m Michelle Lombardy and this is my mom. You can call her Holly.”
Santa peered hesitantly into Holly’s eyes and saw that she was amused by her take-charge daughter. From what he could tell, they were cut from the same cloth.
“Hello, Holly,” he bellowed in his best Santa baritone. “And what do you want for Christmas, Michelle?”
“I’d like Play Station 4 with 1 terabyte and a Ken for my Barbie and Star Wars Legos and two different colored socks and a new dad and a husband for my mother.”
“Ho ho ho.” He belly-laughed. Peeked at Holly. She gave him a thumb up and then the thumb turned downward, as if she were emperor.
“Well, Michelle, you are on my nice list. So, you will be getting much of what you asked for.”
“I don’t want anything if I can’t get a new daddy. He died in Afgan-ah-stand.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. But he’s a hero in heaven.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes, and he loves you so very much.” Holly’s eyes welled over. “At the North Pole where I work, we make toys and gifts for good little boys and girls, but we have never made a person.”
“I know that.” Michelle frowned. “Well, maybe you can use some magic on a lonely but very handsome guy, because my daddy was handsome…who you think would be a good match for mommy.”
“Well,” he looked at Holly for guidance. She threw her hands up and her eyes took in the ceiling. “What do you say, Holly?”
“I’m happy. My baby is all I need.”
“She’s lying. She’s lying. Please Santa, look into her heart.”
“Well, Holly, I’m looking into your heart right now and I see a happy woman, who loves her daughter. I also see a man in your future someday but probably not by Christmas.” He winked, and Holly winked back. “You see, little one, true love is God’s department, and He will know when.”
“Weeell, okay, but if you do find somebody, please put holes in the gift box so he can breathe.”
He thought of the puppy his nephew was about to receive. “Of course, the rules and regulations book specifically calls out breathing as very important. Every elf is properly trained.”
“Thank you, Santa.”
With that and two candy canes, they were gone.
Next morning at 1 Police Plaza, after Sam reported that the ASM, ass-squeezing-masher, did not show at Macy’s the day before, he found his friend, detective, Paul Gottinger. While they talked Sam pulled up Holly Lombardy’s address.
“I’m smitten, Paul. I saw her, yesterday. I actually talked to her and now it’s eating me up.”
“Got a date?”
“No, she was with her daughter and I was playing Santa Claus.”
“So?”
“Well, I was feeling full of eggnog, Christmas cookies. Besides, Mrs. Claus would have a fit if I looked at another woman.”
“Start at the beginning and leave no part out. No part.” Paul flipped out his interview book and chuckled. “Just the facts.” He touched the pencil tip to his tongue.
Sam told the story word for word.
“I know the super at the building she lives in. I’ve got an idea.” Paul said.
When Paul got ideas usually something crazy would go down, but he heard him out.
Early Christmas morning three men delivered a big box to the hallway right outside Holly’s door and then two men left the building. One of them, as planned, would call up to Holly and tell her of the present.
Sam sat legs too-crossed in a box that smelled like his buddies had stolen it from a fish factory. This is not good. He sweated, even though there were plenty of “breathing” holes. He had to admit to a touch of claustrophobia. Just like the time he had chased a perp into the labyrinth of pipes and cables, of and an ever-narrowing access tunnel under the 10th street subway. It wasn’t the man’s knife that bothered him. The man was small and wiry. Sam was 6’2” and broad-shouldered. He caught the bastard before he slithered down a rat hole. The jewels were recovered.
Sam faintly heard snippets of words by Holly with her daughter’s excited voice mingling.
“Oh my, what have we here?” Holly was not too popular with certain underworld types, so she paused and considered getting her Glock.
“It’s him, It’s my new daddy.”
“Or maybe an elephant.”
“No-o-o.”
Watching her daughter tear at the box, Holly backed into the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
“Honey, please move away from the package.” She called her friend Joe, the super, who told her everything she needed to know. A good snitch is hard to come by.
“Michelle, this knife I have,” she shouted into a breathing hole, “can do two things. It can defend against stranger danger and open a box. At this point her nose registered a complaint. Either he’s fishy or he needs out of this box.
“Could Santa’s idea of a boyfriend be that 6”6” Italian, my counterpart in Brooklyn? He’s so good-looking. Could it be the mayor’s son? Not bad either. Or maybe a giant fish.”
“Come on, mom. Open it. Open it.”
“Or maybe, that James Bond lookalike. That detective, Sam Samuels. The shy one.”
“M-ah-om.”
Holly carefully cut through all the tape holding the front of the box and opened the flap. She beheld a beautiful man. A man she had always wondered about. Her baby, happy-faced, held out one hand. The other pinched her nose.
“Why don’t you come in, Sam, and stay awhile.” Yeah, maybe a long while.

Nothing to see here

9.                  Please don’t have something important happen in the first scene or chapter.
Writing gurus call what happens in the first scene or chapter various things, but before I get into the top seven points more completely, I want to explore a common misunderstanding associated with point 1. Writing experts suggest starting a novel in the middle of the action, in medias res [latin]. Some writers think this means that something is left out, like the who, what, where, when, why and how. But grounding your scene and starting in a crucial situation are not mutually exclusive. Of critical importance in retaining an editor or agent is in not making a usual mistake with in medias res. That is, dropping the reader into the middle of a life as usual moment. This is quite often followed by more of the same in following chapters until the writer realizes nothing much is happening and then adds a problem. Nope, this will not get you published. Seriously, if you really want to be published or even read by more than a couple people, don’t ever in medias res your manuscript into day to day events. Don’t worry about important information about your world or even building your world. This should be handled as flashbacks or back-story…and not usually, in any length, in the first chapter or scene. As an example, let’s look at the beginning of Susan Elizabeth Phillips’ Natural Born Charmer. It wasn’t everyday a guy saw a headless beaver marching down the side of the road, not even in Dean Robillard’s larger-than-life world. “Son of a…” Dean slammed on the brakes of his brand-new Aston Martin Vanquish and pulled over in front of her. The beaver marched right past… I get a lot out of this number one best seller’s start. He’s rich and bored. He likes women. The beaver intrigues him. This book will be fun, which is (often) a conscious promise to the reader from the author. This first scene, as it develops, shows you what you need to know about the book and these two characters to want to continue reading. This scene starter is also called the cute meet or meet cute. A cute meet is an unusual scene which often thrusts the hero and heroine into each other’s lives often in a humorous way. We have in medias rex, and the cute meet. Writing experts expect the first scene to include one or a combination of the following: 1.      In medias res. 2.      A cute meet.3.      A story question or story hook, also known as a story problem.4.      An external, internal or both event that changes the life of a character or characters and induces the character or group to make a journey or quest. Also called the inciting incident.5.      A promise to the reader.6.      Readers bonding with your characters. A writing craft issue, of which there are many more. These craft secrets that agents, editors and good writers know will be summarized and explained in a later chapter. For now, regarding bonding, I’d recommend Save the Cat! by Snyder. Basically, the writer needs to show the humanity of the character when confronted by a small or large dilemma that challenges her beliefs, abilities or understanding of the world.7.      Foreshadowing. There are exceptions to beginning a novel using a combination of the big 7 above. But not if you want an agent or editor to call you. Oops, I forgot, this is a book on how not to get published. So do none of the above 7 points. The exceptions, if you must know, so that you can buck convention and write your own way can be found in Hooked by Edgerton on pages 96-117. It will be a cool day in hell… Remember the agencies and publishers are flooded with submissions. They establish rules for their interns to follow so that the massive pile up of paper or mostly these days, emails can be avoided. The book Hooked exceptions are: 1.      The calm before the storm opening.2.      The fish-out-of-water opening.3.      The essential context opening.4.      The frame story opening. To be fair, if you meet face-to-face with an editor or agent and you explain why you chose one of the four above, you’d have a better chance. But remember they then, in-turn, have to tell their reader (intern) to allow for the technique.

Writers are loners (and their own worse enemy).

How not to get published, point 5.
Please do not join writers’ groups or go to conferencesWhen you want work done around your home many ask their friends for recommendations. It’s who you know. People do business with people they know. The same goes for writing.
They call it the slush pile for a reason. Slush has a negative connotation, as if you were wading through melting snow. Imagine wading all day long. You’d lose your feet. As said before, agents and editors and the people they hire to read are inundated. Perhaps they dread the slush. It’s a job.
You can get lucky. My first book, a unique story about wolves and men, before there were dogs, immediately got an agent. She was stymied with the editors she tried to get on board, perhaps because they didn’t know me or take the time to know me. My agent, who wasn’t that into her agency, I found out later, wasn’t good enough to qualify as the friend that recommends a home repair person.
It was at this point, I all alone, realized I needed help. First, I joined critique groups. I might have been a tad too sensitive to criticism. No worries, this is a common condition if you are a loner or that ivory tower genius. That helped me grow and become receptive to other people's ideas and suggestions, but still no bites, by qualified agents or editors. Then I joined a writing organization (RWA) and went to their monthly meetings and then conferences. Soon I was interviewing with agents and editors in person and they nearly always asked for my work. This increased my chances for success. Accepted or not you will often receive feedback that will help you improve. By the way, I was a male romance writer at the time, so sometimes I received doses of reverse discrimination. Basically, “you’re a male, why are you writing romance?” I just grew stronger.
My point is email off your query as a stranger and your chance of an agent or editor asking for more are somewhere between 1::100 to 1::1000. Meet people and your chances of their asking for material are better than 80%. I base this percentage on interviews with other writers at the same meetings or conferences. These odds are stunning.
The problem with joining things and flying to conferences, for many of us, is money. I get that. Do what you can. Critiques groups are cheap or free. Finding other writers to swap manuscripts with can be a tad more expensive if you join national organizations which could cost around $100. By surfing the net you may share with other writers typically for free.
Here’s a sample of useful sites:www.absolutewrite.com
www.writerscafe.org
www.forwriters.com/group

If you are a recluse or loner or you can't get out, at least connect online and let people know your situation. You'll find kindred spirits.

How not to get published, point 2.

1.      Please do blast a copy of your query.


There are companies that promote the query blaster, perhaps because fools and their money are often separated. A query is generally an email in which you ask an agent or editor to consider your work for publication. People teach courses on how to write them. There are writing books on the subject. To sum up, these pedagogical sources recommend three paragraphs plus a sample of your work. The short paragraphs are often in this order:
1.      Introduce yourself with short relevant resume .
2.      Describe your story.
3.      Write why you chose the agency, agent or editor and based on the books they represent why you are a good fit.
All this should fit on one printable page, minus the writing sample, which should be attached. Some books or teachers add to write using your author’s voice or style. That’s tough.


All this is well and good as a starting point. Let’s call it your generic baseline. Then you take this well crafted package and email it to 100 companies. Some suggest that you drop the part about how you are a good fit with so-and-so and the books they represent so that you can get that work out there in front of as many eyes as possible in as short a time.


You are wasting your money on a number of counts.
1.      You must do research on the agent and agency, editor and publisher to discover if you are a good fit and to personalize your query.
2.      Doing said research, you will discover that my soup kitchen analogy from Point 1. does not hold. Each agency agent publisher and editor have ways they want to see your material and they say so. It is your job to dig into persons, or companys’ web sites to discover this. If there is a difference between agent and agency or editor and publisher follow the agent or editor, because if you get past them, you’ll get your chance.
3.      These professionals are daily assaulted by creative usage of the English language. They need order and rules to speed up the process.


The agent or editor then assign, just as said in point 1., their interns to read all submissions and instantly reject any that don’t conform to the rules they published for the prospective author to follow.


Sorry, you have just been caste out into the cold. You’ve received your 100 rejections and you can now go about with your badge of honor telling every writer you know how you tried, am ready to quit. They’ll tell you to keep going and you might.


I have tried to tell multiple friends about this pitfall at conferences, meeting and critique groups, often to no avail. With limited persuasive time I had to move on and hope they’d consider my point.  One reason why people don’t listen to this obvious point is that they can’t do research on the computer. They’ll say things like Hemmingway did it his way. Hemmingway was a professional journalist with many contacts and those contacts told him what they wanted.


Besides the agent, agency, editor and publisher web sites you need to find these people. Ideally, you’ll meet them at a conference and you’ll like them and they you. This is way better than showing up as a stranger in their email in-basket. Barring this try sites like:
www.agentquery.com
www.absolutewrite.com