R.W. Richard's Blog, page 11
May 17, 2020
Alternate your points of view
Why is it best to alternate male and female point of views in a romance (or any other genre in which boy meets girl, etc.)?
True, most romance readers are women and identify with the heroine, but...
The readers also want to know what makes the hero tick. They root for the guy to change, to like, then love the heroine. They want to understand what makes men act and think the way they do. In order to sell the male point of view you must pay close attention to presentation. Remember, it's not one size fits all. This must be made clear, so the reader can make adjustments in their assessments of the fellows they meet and like in your book and in real life.
Such a sweet game you present to the romantic dreamers out there. Even if they're married, they still have fantasies. Oh, they like that sweet, funny, good-looking man they met at XYZ and continue to see as fate would have it. Of course, they'd never cheat. Well, that happens too, sometimes.
Be real. Don't buy into tropes that men speak less so they must think less. Try think more, since they're not busy speaking. IN the end men and women balance each other, if they're a pair.
In general men are more visual, but don't forget the exceptions. Don't portray stick figures.
No, not all men like bigger boobs, and besides that when they check you out, they're doing a personal assessment of what they prefer. [For instance, I prefer ladies with slim figures.] So no matter where they're looking at the moment, it don't mean a thing until you get to know them. Remember they're looking. You must be attractive.
Most men are not brutes. Oh you can fell the mighty oak, if you wish, just know there are alternatives. Renaissance or educated men often have witty things to say, and harbor deep passions.
Also, there are plenty of blue collar guys out there who are affectionate, sweet, and loving.
These are just a few of the many more examples of how men differ. Without developing the male point of view, your reader may fall back on stereotypes to understand what's going on in that male brain. Cudos to the writer who shows the hero in three dimensions. Enrich your story and the lives of your readers.
True, most romance readers are women and identify with the heroine, but...
The readers also want to know what makes the hero tick. They root for the guy to change, to like, then love the heroine. They want to understand what makes men act and think the way they do. In order to sell the male point of view you must pay close attention to presentation. Remember, it's not one size fits all. This must be made clear, so the reader can make adjustments in their assessments of the fellows they meet and like in your book and in real life.
Such a sweet game you present to the romantic dreamers out there. Even if they're married, they still have fantasies. Oh, they like that sweet, funny, good-looking man they met at XYZ and continue to see as fate would have it. Of course, they'd never cheat. Well, that happens too, sometimes.
Be real. Don't buy into tropes that men speak less so they must think less. Try think more, since they're not busy speaking. IN the end men and women balance each other, if they're a pair.
In general men are more visual, but don't forget the exceptions. Don't portray stick figures.
No, not all men like bigger boobs, and besides that when they check you out, they're doing a personal assessment of what they prefer. [For instance, I prefer ladies with slim figures.] So no matter where they're looking at the moment, it don't mean a thing until you get to know them. Remember they're looking. You must be attractive.
Most men are not brutes. Oh you can fell the mighty oak, if you wish, just know there are alternatives. Renaissance or educated men often have witty things to say, and harbor deep passions.
Also, there are plenty of blue collar guys out there who are affectionate, sweet, and loving.
These are just a few of the many more examples of how men differ. Without developing the male point of view, your reader may fall back on stereotypes to understand what's going on in that male brain. Cudos to the writer who shows the hero in three dimensions. Enrich your story and the lives of your readers.
Alternating your points of view
Why is it best to alternate male and female point of views in a romance (or any other genre in which boy meets girl, etc.)?
True, most romance readers are women and identify with the heroine, but...
The readers also want to know what makes the hero tick. They root for the guy to change, to like, then love the heroine. They want to understand what makes men act and think the way they do. In order to sell the male point of view you must pay close attention to presentation. Remember, it's not one size fits all. This must be made clear, so the reader can make adjustments in their assessments of the fellows they meet and like in your book and in real life.
Such a sweet game you present to the romantic dreamers out there. Even if they're married, they still have fantasies. Oh, they like that sweet, funny, good-looking man they met at XYZ and continue to see as fate would have it. Of course, they'd never cheat. Well, that happens too, sometimes.
Be real. Don't buy into tropes that men speak less so they must think less. Try think more, since they're not busy speaking. IN the end men and women balance each other, if they're a pair.
In general men are more visual, but don't forget the exceptions. Don't portray stick figures.
No, not all men like bigger boobs, and besides that when they check you out, they're doing a personal assessment of what they prefer. [For instance, I prefer ladies with slim figures.] So no matter where they're looking at the moment, it don't mean a thing until you get to know them. Remember they're looking. You must be attractive.
Most men are not brutes. Oh you can fell the mighty oak, if you wish, just know there are alternatives. Renaissance or educated men often have witty things to say, and harbor deep passions.
Also, there are plenty of blue collar guys out there who are affectionate, sweet, and loving.
These are just a few of the many more examples of how men differ. Without developing the male point of view, your reader may fall back on stereotypes to understand what's going on in that male brain. Cudos to the writer who shows the hero in three dimensions. Enrich your story and the lives of your readers.
True, most romance readers are women and identify with the heroine, but...
The readers also want to know what makes the hero tick. They root for the guy to change, to like, then love the heroine. They want to understand what makes men act and think the way they do. In order to sell the male point of view you must pay close attention to presentation. Remember, it's not one size fits all. This must be made clear, so the reader can make adjustments in their assessments of the fellows they meet and like in your book and in real life.
Such a sweet game you present to the romantic dreamers out there. Even if they're married, they still have fantasies. Oh, they like that sweet, funny, good-looking man they met at XYZ and continue to see as fate would have it. Of course, they'd never cheat. Well, that happens too, sometimes.
Be real. Don't buy into tropes that men speak less so they must think less. Try think more, since they're not busy speaking. IN the end men and women balance each other, if they're a pair.
In general men are more visual, but don't forget the exceptions. Don't portray stick figures.
No, not all men like bigger boobs, and besides that when they check you out, they're doing a personal assessment of what they prefer. [For instance, I prefer ladies with slim figures.] So no matter where they're looking at the moment, it don't mean a thing until you get to know them. Remember they're looking. You must be attractive.
Most men are not brutes. Oh you can fell the mighty oak, if you wish, just know there are alternatives. Renaissance or educated men often have witty things to say, and harbor deep passions.
Also, there are plenty of blue collar guys out there who are affectionate, sweet, and loving.
These are just a few of the many more examples of how men differ. Without developing the male point of view, your reader may fall back on stereotypes to understand what's going on in that male brain. Cudos to the writer who shows the hero in three dimensions. Enrich your story and the lives of your readers.
May 11, 2020
9. Home
Relationships: Originally posted Jan 05, 2016 by Randi Gunther Ph.D. from her blog at https://randigunther.blogspot.com.Today we are studying number nine of nine. (1. Surprise// 2. Intrigue// 3. Timelessness// 4.Quickened// 5. Fear// 6. Certainty// 7. Authenticity// 8. Synergy// 9. Home.
9. Home
Many people have told me, as they navigated the dating world, how much they feel like a transient, a traveler in a foreign world, without knowing where they’re going or when they’ll find out. The smorgasbord of possible partners and the myriad of disappointments can be overwhelming to anyone. Most relationship-seeking people are far from the comforts of their origins and feel the understandable ache to know if they will ever find a person who loves them in the same way. So many of my couples who have found their true loves have talked to me about how they felt when they first met when they felt their search was over.
“I knew that our first few dates felt different, but I didn’t quite know how to deal with what was going on in my mind, and my heart. The more time I spent with her, the more I started to feel this incredible feeling of peace. My troubles seemed suddenly lighter and my dreams seemed more and more possible. It was like finding parts of me that I’d lost. Somehow, with her in my life, I could build something that I couldn’t have seen or known before. I still couldn’t put it into words until my best friend did it for me. ‘Hey, Brad. You sound like you’re home.’ He was right.”
Bob: Some people search for a moment of peace, a place that is peaceful, a mindset where the world full of hate and jealousy cannot breach. Of course, it's impossible. Or is it?
"When I first met her, I recalled the old song, I Only have Eyes for You. In the beginning it was just extreme attraction like I had never felt before. Then she talked to me and I was hooked. It seemed that she inhabited my mind, could read my thoughts, accepted all of me. Suddenly all my worries about a world gone mad and the push-pull from coworkers, friends, and family melted away. I no longer cared because I had her. Nobody would hurt me. Not even a politician or a foreign dictator. I was invincible. If ever I died because of my job as a police officer or from any other cause, I will have lived a life beyond complete fulfilment. I did what the Creator wanted me to do. I loved her totally."
9. Home
Many people have told me, as they navigated the dating world, how much they feel like a transient, a traveler in a foreign world, without knowing where they’re going or when they’ll find out. The smorgasbord of possible partners and the myriad of disappointments can be overwhelming to anyone. Most relationship-seeking people are far from the comforts of their origins and feel the understandable ache to know if they will ever find a person who loves them in the same way. So many of my couples who have found their true loves have talked to me about how they felt when they first met when they felt their search was over.
“I knew that our first few dates felt different, but I didn’t quite know how to deal with what was going on in my mind, and my heart. The more time I spent with her, the more I started to feel this incredible feeling of peace. My troubles seemed suddenly lighter and my dreams seemed more and more possible. It was like finding parts of me that I’d lost. Somehow, with her in my life, I could build something that I couldn’t have seen or known before. I still couldn’t put it into words until my best friend did it for me. ‘Hey, Brad. You sound like you’re home.’ He was right.”
Bob: Some people search for a moment of peace, a place that is peaceful, a mindset where the world full of hate and jealousy cannot breach. Of course, it's impossible. Or is it?
"When I first met her, I recalled the old song, I Only have Eyes for You. In the beginning it was just extreme attraction like I had never felt before. Then she talked to me and I was hooked. It seemed that she inhabited my mind, could read my thoughts, accepted all of me. Suddenly all my worries about a world gone mad and the push-pull from coworkers, friends, and family melted away. I no longer cared because I had her. Nobody would hurt me. Not even a politician or a foreign dictator. I was invincible. If ever I died because of my job as a police officer or from any other cause, I will have lived a life beyond complete fulfilment. I did what the Creator wanted me to do. I loved her totally."
May 10, 2020
8. Synergy
Relationships: Originally posted Jan 05, 2016 by Randi Gunther Ph.D. from her blog at https://randigunther.blogspot.com.
Today we are studying number eight of nine. (1. Surprise// 2. Intrigue// 3. Timelessness// 4.Quickened// 5. Fear// 6. Certainty// 7. Authenticity// 8. Synergy// 9. Home.
Synergy
Compatibility is a must in every good relationship, but synergy is something more. It’s great to dance easily with another, but creating new dances as you go is a whole other world. Many people are a good team and complete each other’s dreams and desires. But couples who are synergistic do more than add to each other’s lives. Together, they are more than the sum of their individual parts. They become, in each other’s presence, more than either of them could have ever become alone or with anyone else.
“I’d accomplished a lot in my life. I felt good about the package I had to offer, and had pretty high expectations of any guy I was going to partner with. Most of them just didn’t measure up, even though I knew we could probably compensate where the other wasn’t as strong. But I never felt it was a good enough match to commit and I was totally fine being single. Enter Jason. Old camera; brand new picture. All of a sudden I found myself excited about my own potential in ways I’d never experienced before. We not only clicked, we expanded. I felt unabated discovery. We just got more and more interesting to ourselves, and to each other. It’s never changed.”
Bob: A priest once told me that he observed in certain couples an inexplicable increase in energy over time, a week-to-week time. He described the energy as an intense happiness and ascribed it to grace given. When you have a hidden partner looking out for you it means you have been selected to do great things together or at the very least quiet each other's yearning souls. For me, this was much to think about, being a physicist. Scientists concern themselves with entropy. What the priest suggested was there was some added unexplained extra. I believe there is more about our world, our universe than we can know (at this point) and for me in that lies the charm and fascination I have for an amazing world.
Okay, that was heavy. If you fall in love with a person, let's say destiny led you to, be prepared to give back to the human race (or each other) more than the sum of your talents. Come on, doesn't everybody know 1+1 does not equal 2?
Today we are studying number eight of nine. (1. Surprise// 2. Intrigue// 3. Timelessness// 4.Quickened// 5. Fear// 6. Certainty// 7. Authenticity// 8. Synergy// 9. Home.
Synergy
Compatibility is a must in every good relationship, but synergy is something more. It’s great to dance easily with another, but creating new dances as you go is a whole other world. Many people are a good team and complete each other’s dreams and desires. But couples who are synergistic do more than add to each other’s lives. Together, they are more than the sum of their individual parts. They become, in each other’s presence, more than either of them could have ever become alone or with anyone else.
“I’d accomplished a lot in my life. I felt good about the package I had to offer, and had pretty high expectations of any guy I was going to partner with. Most of them just didn’t measure up, even though I knew we could probably compensate where the other wasn’t as strong. But I never felt it was a good enough match to commit and I was totally fine being single. Enter Jason. Old camera; brand new picture. All of a sudden I found myself excited about my own potential in ways I’d never experienced before. We not only clicked, we expanded. I felt unabated discovery. We just got more and more interesting to ourselves, and to each other. It’s never changed.”
Bob: A priest once told me that he observed in certain couples an inexplicable increase in energy over time, a week-to-week time. He described the energy as an intense happiness and ascribed it to grace given. When you have a hidden partner looking out for you it means you have been selected to do great things together or at the very least quiet each other's yearning souls. For me, this was much to think about, being a physicist. Scientists concern themselves with entropy. What the priest suggested was there was some added unexplained extra. I believe there is more about our world, our universe than we can know (at this point) and for me in that lies the charm and fascination I have for an amazing world.
Okay, that was heavy. If you fall in love with a person, let's say destiny led you to, be prepared to give back to the human race (or each other) more than the sum of your talents. Come on, doesn't everybody know 1+1 does not equal 2?
April 30, 2020
7. Authenticity
Relationships: Originally posted Jan 05, 2016 by Randi Gunther Ph.D. from her blog at https://randigunther.blogspot.com.Today we are studying number seven of nine. (1. Surprise// 2. Intrigue// 3. Timelessness// 4.Quickened// 5. Fear// 6. Certainty// 7. Authenticity// 8. Synergy// 9. Home.
Authenticity
Most people present themselves in new relationships as the best package they think the other partner might want. They regularly withhold anything about themselves that might challenge the potential of the relationship’s getting better. They understandably reason that they’ll know more as they feel more secure.
In relationships that harbor the potential of true love, people almost immediately feel the desire to confess and share everything about themselves, whether negative or positive. They just don’t want to hold anything back. They feel immediately courageous, wanting to know and be known, no matter what the outcome.
“I’d been around the block a few times, and I knew how to posture pretty well in new relationships so that the woman would want to keep dating if I liked her. I had it down and it worked pretty well every time. I usually was the one to get tired of the relationship, and didn’t mind the occasional times I got dropped before I was ready. I’d improve the act and get out there again. Then this crazy, emotional girl showed up in my life. She was incredibly present and marvelously quirky. We talked twelve straight hours the first night we were together. I found myself telling her every important thing that had ever happened to me, including stupid stuff. She laughed everywhere she was supposed to and cried when I did. I felt the weight of my old patterns lift off of me, and I never wanted to go back to being that hidden guy again.”
Bob: That's hard to top. So I won't try. I'll just observe that we have all just felt immediately safe around certain people whether lovers or friends. Bottle that, right? Understand it, hard to figure. For me, the feeling that you can say anything and hear anything in completely and immediately open hearts is liberating. Treasure and nurture that person.
Authenticity
Most people present themselves in new relationships as the best package they think the other partner might want. They regularly withhold anything about themselves that might challenge the potential of the relationship’s getting better. They understandably reason that they’ll know more as they feel more secure.
In relationships that harbor the potential of true love, people almost immediately feel the desire to confess and share everything about themselves, whether negative or positive. They just don’t want to hold anything back. They feel immediately courageous, wanting to know and be known, no matter what the outcome.
“I’d been around the block a few times, and I knew how to posture pretty well in new relationships so that the woman would want to keep dating if I liked her. I had it down and it worked pretty well every time. I usually was the one to get tired of the relationship, and didn’t mind the occasional times I got dropped before I was ready. I’d improve the act and get out there again. Then this crazy, emotional girl showed up in my life. She was incredibly present and marvelously quirky. We talked twelve straight hours the first night we were together. I found myself telling her every important thing that had ever happened to me, including stupid stuff. She laughed everywhere she was supposed to and cried when I did. I felt the weight of my old patterns lift off of me, and I never wanted to go back to being that hidden guy again.”
Bob: That's hard to top. So I won't try. I'll just observe that we have all just felt immediately safe around certain people whether lovers or friends. Bottle that, right? Understand it, hard to figure. For me, the feeling that you can say anything and hear anything in completely and immediately open hearts is liberating. Treasure and nurture that person.
April 26, 2020
6. Certainty
Relationships: Originally posted Jan 05, 2016 by Randi Gunther Ph.D. from her blog at https://randigunther.blogspot.com.Today we are studying number six of nine. (1. Surprise// 2. Intrigue// 3. Timelessness// 4.Quickened// 5. Fear// 6. Certainty// 7. Authenticity// 8. Synergy// 9. Home.
Certainty
Many new lovers feel overwhelmed and obsessed with each other. Those feelings are typical of a beginning romance when two people are newly physically attracted. They can’t get enough of each other and spend long hours building and satisfying those feelings. If the sexual relationship is compatible in terms of frequency and depth, most would feel very certain that things were off to a good start.
The feelings of certainty in a potentially long-term relationship are different from the very beginning of more typical relationships. Though they include mutual attraction, there is much more. My long-term couples tell me that they felt almost immediately grounded, quiet, and serious, totally convicted that they would end up together. It was as if fate had intervened, telling them that their unbelievable connection was real and they could trust its promise.
“I’d dated a lot of men, some great, some not so. I really wasn’t looking to get long-term serious but not rejecting the idea if it happened someday. My first reaction to Ned was very physical. He was beautiful to look at and moved in a way that excited me. We dated a few times before we went to bed and the physical connection was good. But something happened after he fell asleep. I was looking at him and my heart wouldn’t settle down. I started wondering what it would be like to never leave him. I told myself, ‘seriously, after a month? What’s wrong with you?’ It didn’t matter. He woke up and looked at me: ‘You’re special, you know.’ That was it.”
Bob: A friend said: I was overwhelmed by her physically and she was giddy around me. Giddy is great in my book because it tells me that it would not be a one way street. We were a physical match. Then we got to talking. It wasn't earth shaking, it was comforting, and for an introvert, well, I never felt this before. We were and are always in sync. If we rarely disagree we effortlessly (with nobody's feelings hurt) reach a compromise. We mesh.
Certainty
Many new lovers feel overwhelmed and obsessed with each other. Those feelings are typical of a beginning romance when two people are newly physically attracted. They can’t get enough of each other and spend long hours building and satisfying those feelings. If the sexual relationship is compatible in terms of frequency and depth, most would feel very certain that things were off to a good start.
The feelings of certainty in a potentially long-term relationship are different from the very beginning of more typical relationships. Though they include mutual attraction, there is much more. My long-term couples tell me that they felt almost immediately grounded, quiet, and serious, totally convicted that they would end up together. It was as if fate had intervened, telling them that their unbelievable connection was real and they could trust its promise.
“I’d dated a lot of men, some great, some not so. I really wasn’t looking to get long-term serious but not rejecting the idea if it happened someday. My first reaction to Ned was very physical. He was beautiful to look at and moved in a way that excited me. We dated a few times before we went to bed and the physical connection was good. But something happened after he fell asleep. I was looking at him and my heart wouldn’t settle down. I started wondering what it would be like to never leave him. I told myself, ‘seriously, after a month? What’s wrong with you?’ It didn’t matter. He woke up and looked at me: ‘You’re special, you know.’ That was it.”
Bob: A friend said: I was overwhelmed by her physically and she was giddy around me. Giddy is great in my book because it tells me that it would not be a one way street. We were a physical match. Then we got to talking. It wasn't earth shaking, it was comforting, and for an introvert, well, I never felt this before. We were and are always in sync. If we rarely disagree we effortlessly (with nobody's feelings hurt) reach a compromise. We mesh.
April 19, 2020
Why?
Why is the only word you’ll need to write fiction and sometimes it won’t show up on the page. If you don’t have a why for the story and the characters, you have nothing.
I attended a Zoom meeting of my fellow writers put on by RWASD. Famous author and great person, Lisa Kessler, spoke of the art of writing. Specifically, she addressed how every drama is driven by a black moment when all seems lost. She spoke of our characters’ deepest fears, how change must come, of their secrets, and what would happen if the secrets were exposed.
Then she asked if anybody would like to talk about his or her WIP (work in progress). I’ll use my response as an example.
Bob: I’m at 50 pages so far. My heroine is an FBI Special Agent.
Lisa: Why?
Bob: [Boiled down to] She was raped at age twelve. (Of course, there are many reasons why a person chooses a career in law enforcement.)
Lisa found that compelling. What about the hero?
Bob: The hero is an investigative reporter for the NY Times. He likes notching his bedpost.
Lisa: Why?
Bob: Does a guy need a reason?
Lisa: There’s always a reason. [Me: In life and fiction our characters, and us are always driven by reasons. What I had not yet done in my story was dig into what made the hero act and feel that way.]
So we discussed.
Conclusion: the hero’s mother left him and his father while he was growing up.
We discussed how the hero and heroine would have mutual black moment, how they’d change throughout the story, and how that would affect their relationship. We talked more about how the black moment could be mutual and that, that would be perfect for the story.
The why of the story and the characters is critical to any compelling, memorable fiction.
What is your why?
April 17, 2020
5. Fear
Relationships: Originally posted Jan 05, 2016 by Randi Gunther Ph.D. from her blog at https://randigunther.blogspot.com.Today we are studying number five of nine. (1. Surprise// 2. Intrigue// 3. Timelessness// 4.Quickened// 5. Fear// 6. Certainty// 7. Authenticity// 8. Synergy// 9. Home.
FEAR
In the beginning of a new relationship, most people try hard to limit their investment. Though they don’t want to be hurt or disappointed, they don’t expect to win the lottery. “Nothing ventured; nothing lost, seems to be a good beginning.
Though those feelings of unsureness and anxiousness can make anyone a little apprehensive, most relationship-seekers continue searching despite them. They expect that fear of loss is supposed to accompany every new venture, but persist nevertheless.
If a new relationship has the capability of long-lasting love, that apprehensive feeling has a distinctly different flavor. Many of my couples have described those early responses as something like being on the edge of a cliff and wondering if they could fly. They just could not give up the chance to hold on to what they were experiencing, no matter what happened.
“My friends had watched me for years, handling each relationship with the same confident air of a person who doesn’t get too close to anyone. I’d been burned in the past and I routinely handled my dates from a non-risk perspective. I had great times with a lot of women, but never seriously considered sticking around with anyone. Fearless and over-protective, I was totally comfortable in my style. Then Natalie showed up in my life. We worked together for a few weeks and she didn’t seem interested. As I got to know her, I had this strange feeling. I was getting very, very interested in this person, and I was, like, scared. Not scared of winning, more scared of losing, like I wouldn’t be able to bear it if she went away. Every day made the fear stronger and the desire even more so. When she told me she wanted to know me better, I felt like crying.”
BOB: Aren't most of us worried about finding a partner. Fear can make for awkward cute meets (in real life too). Who hasn't wanted a boy/girl to approach at a high school dance but became frozen by fear. Why? Perhaps we didn't know what we were doing. Later in life, some lessons learned we make attempts, and realize that to fail is okay. It's like what we writers do when we plaster our walls with rejection slips. Believe in yourself and always do your best.
Maryln Monroe once said that she'd prefer a guy who was unsure of himself and shy around her rather than the life of the party. [I couldn't find the exact quote, but the meaning is clear. If a guy is unsure if he could approach a great beauty (like her) because of rejection, but you could tell by looking at him that he wants to. Well Marilyn will walk up to him.]
A friend: "I'm just an okay looking guy, she was stunning. We were introduced and I tried small talk. She seemed interested. It turned out we had similar interests and life experiences. I never asked her out, but we kept seeing each other at weekly parties. She told me later that she could stand it no longer. She asked me out and I said yes. I keep saying yes to my lovely inside and out wife."
FEAR
In the beginning of a new relationship, most people try hard to limit their investment. Though they don’t want to be hurt or disappointed, they don’t expect to win the lottery. “Nothing ventured; nothing lost, seems to be a good beginning.
Though those feelings of unsureness and anxiousness can make anyone a little apprehensive, most relationship-seekers continue searching despite them. They expect that fear of loss is supposed to accompany every new venture, but persist nevertheless.
If a new relationship has the capability of long-lasting love, that apprehensive feeling has a distinctly different flavor. Many of my couples have described those early responses as something like being on the edge of a cliff and wondering if they could fly. They just could not give up the chance to hold on to what they were experiencing, no matter what happened.
“My friends had watched me for years, handling each relationship with the same confident air of a person who doesn’t get too close to anyone. I’d been burned in the past and I routinely handled my dates from a non-risk perspective. I had great times with a lot of women, but never seriously considered sticking around with anyone. Fearless and over-protective, I was totally comfortable in my style. Then Natalie showed up in my life. We worked together for a few weeks and she didn’t seem interested. As I got to know her, I had this strange feeling. I was getting very, very interested in this person, and I was, like, scared. Not scared of winning, more scared of losing, like I wouldn’t be able to bear it if she went away. Every day made the fear stronger and the desire even more so. When she told me she wanted to know me better, I felt like crying.”
BOB: Aren't most of us worried about finding a partner. Fear can make for awkward cute meets (in real life too). Who hasn't wanted a boy/girl to approach at a high school dance but became frozen by fear. Why? Perhaps we didn't know what we were doing. Later in life, some lessons learned we make attempts, and realize that to fail is okay. It's like what we writers do when we plaster our walls with rejection slips. Believe in yourself and always do your best.
Maryln Monroe once said that she'd prefer a guy who was unsure of himself and shy around her rather than the life of the party. [I couldn't find the exact quote, but the meaning is clear. If a guy is unsure if he could approach a great beauty (like her) because of rejection, but you could tell by looking at him that he wants to. Well Marilyn will walk up to him.]
A friend: "I'm just an okay looking guy, she was stunning. We were introduced and I tried small talk. She seemed interested. It turned out we had similar interests and life experiences. I never asked her out, but we kept seeing each other at weekly parties. She told me later that she could stand it no longer. She asked me out and I said yes. I keep saying yes to my lovely inside and out wife."
April 12, 2020
Love is Blind
Love is Blind
Love is Blind is the name of a Netflix show. It is also a cliché. But where’s the truth? On the show, the psychologists suggest that we place too much emphasis on the visual, which inhibits us from actually knowing the other person. Therefore, take away the visual and allow the potential couples to just talk and explore each other separated by a wall. As couples “interview” various possible mates, some begin to discover and feel a strong pull to one person. They dig further and fall in love.
In our everyday world, and occasionally, a person is blown away by another’s personality. They start listening. They want more. The person does not fit their usual visual preconceptions, but something screams “you’re my person.” They marry.
On the show, after a limited time, the contestants must choose a partner via a proposal to blow down the wall. Artificial, yes. Bad, nope. The couples confront a truth, that they are suited for each other, no matter their looks. They all enter the show wanting to get married anyway (unless they’re lying). At this point in the show some couples falter. The looks make them doubt. The doubt sometimes leads to break ups. For entertainment purposes, the show is a good see. As a matter of philosophy and for those who like to delve into the human psyche, the show is outstanding. The defect comes from the producers forcing the couples to follow deadlines Netflix sets. All shows have a measure of unreality due to scheduling constraints. This show has a generous helping of true love. I recommend it.
Love is Blind is the name of a Netflix show. It is also a cliché. But where’s the truth? On the show, the psychologists suggest that we place too much emphasis on the visual, which inhibits us from actually knowing the other person. Therefore, take away the visual and allow the potential couples to just talk and explore each other separated by a wall. As couples “interview” various possible mates, some begin to discover and feel a strong pull to one person. They dig further and fall in love.
In our everyday world, and occasionally, a person is blown away by another’s personality. They start listening. They want more. The person does not fit their usual visual preconceptions, but something screams “you’re my person.” They marry.
On the show, after a limited time, the contestants must choose a partner via a proposal to blow down the wall. Artificial, yes. Bad, nope. The couples confront a truth, that they are suited for each other, no matter their looks. They all enter the show wanting to get married anyway (unless they’re lying). At this point in the show some couples falter. The looks make them doubt. The doubt sometimes leads to break ups. For entertainment purposes, the show is a good see. As a matter of philosophy and for those who like to delve into the human psyche, the show is outstanding. The defect comes from the producers forcing the couples to follow deadlines Netflix sets. All shows have a measure of unreality due to scheduling constraints. This show has a generous helping of true love. I recommend it.
April 10, 2020
4. Quickened
Relationships: Originally posted Jan 05, 2016 by Randi Gunther Ph.D. from her blog at https://randigunther.blogspot.com.
Today we are studying number four of nine. (1. Surprise// 2. Intrigue// 3. Timelessness// 4.Quickened// 5. Fear// 6. Certainty// 7. Authenticity// 8. Synergy// 9. Home.
4. Quickened
The intense drive of sexual attraction is part of every new relationship but there are additional feelings when true, long-lasting love is a possibility. The sense of being alive is felt simultaneously and in every cell in the body. The heart feels as if it is opening, the mind is engaged, the senses are awakened, and a feeling of transcendence often emerges.
Couples who have stayed in love for a long time tell me that both of them felt as if something were transforming inside of them, a kind of awakening they had not often felt before, like they made an energy together neither had known in the same way before.
“It was a fix-up date so I really didn’t expect anything, except two of my good friends arranged it so I knew I wouldn’t be totally disappointed, whoever he turned out to be. I had no idea that what happened could have ever happened. He gave me a great hug when I first walked into the restaurant and then kind of pushed me back a little and laughed like someone who had just been given a present. At first I didn’t even know what or how to feel, but something came over me I’d never felt before, like being given a shot of adrenaline and a tranquilizer at the same time, totally calm but unbelievably alive. I knew that something special was happening but I had no idea how special it would turn out to be.”
Bob's comments: Sometimes the urge to mate is so strong it overwhelms all our senses. It sounds crude but that's chemistry taken to the nth degree. Of course, a gentleman restrains himself and looks for the lifeboats because he wants to survive the drowning.
"I had no idea what to do when I first talked to her. I wanted to take her home and make love to her all day, forever. I'm normally shy, but on the fateful day my mouth and mind were on two different frequencies. I asked her if she'd like to hook-up today. She laughed at me and with the greatest smile you'd ever want to see she said, maybe someday. I became rational. Somehow she wasn't offended. Somehow she liked me too. Perhaps she felt the same pull, but knew better. We've been married now for six years and we just can't get enough of each other, if you know what I mean.
Today we are studying number four of nine. (1. Surprise// 2. Intrigue// 3. Timelessness// 4.Quickened// 5. Fear// 6. Certainty// 7. Authenticity// 8. Synergy// 9. Home.
4. Quickened
The intense drive of sexual attraction is part of every new relationship but there are additional feelings when true, long-lasting love is a possibility. The sense of being alive is felt simultaneously and in every cell in the body. The heart feels as if it is opening, the mind is engaged, the senses are awakened, and a feeling of transcendence often emerges.
Couples who have stayed in love for a long time tell me that both of them felt as if something were transforming inside of them, a kind of awakening they had not often felt before, like they made an energy together neither had known in the same way before.
“It was a fix-up date so I really didn’t expect anything, except two of my good friends arranged it so I knew I wouldn’t be totally disappointed, whoever he turned out to be. I had no idea that what happened could have ever happened. He gave me a great hug when I first walked into the restaurant and then kind of pushed me back a little and laughed like someone who had just been given a present. At first I didn’t even know what or how to feel, but something came over me I’d never felt before, like being given a shot of adrenaline and a tranquilizer at the same time, totally calm but unbelievably alive. I knew that something special was happening but I had no idea how special it would turn out to be.”
Bob's comments: Sometimes the urge to mate is so strong it overwhelms all our senses. It sounds crude but that's chemistry taken to the nth degree. Of course, a gentleman restrains himself and looks for the lifeboats because he wants to survive the drowning.
"I had no idea what to do when I first talked to her. I wanted to take her home and make love to her all day, forever. I'm normally shy, but on the fateful day my mouth and mind were on two different frequencies. I asked her if she'd like to hook-up today. She laughed at me and with the greatest smile you'd ever want to see she said, maybe someday. I became rational. Somehow she wasn't offended. Somehow she liked me too. Perhaps she felt the same pull, but knew better. We've been married now for six years and we just can't get enough of each other, if you know what I mean.
