Marcy Winograd's Blog
June 27, 2015
Tween Expert Says “NO” to Cell Phones, Make-Up, and Dating
Published on 6/17/15 Huffington Post
Pauline, the "bad influence" in Brown Girls Publishing tween novel "New Girl on Salt Flat Road," lives in the fast lane -- hosting make-up parties and pop-up bikini fashion shows, texting 24/7, and flirting with the older boys at the mall.
When I wrote this book with my writing partner Jackie Hirtz, I drew on my own 6th grade memories of a loving mother who didn't want her daughter to grow up too fast versus my bra-swapping girlfriends who thought having an 11-year-old boy snap the back of their bra was a measure of popularity.
In the latest novel in our Lola Zola series, our main character Lola finds herself caught between her mother, who worries her daughter is growing up too fast, and the new girl who is too fast.
What's a mother to do?
Should you buy your 10-year-old a cell phone? Let her wear pink lip gloss? Post on FB, Instagram, Snap Chat, and Vine? Date? Wear a bra if there's nothing there?
a) Never
b) Whatever
c) For the most part no, but ...
d) IDK
To child psychotherapist and parent guidance specialist, Dr. Judy Bin-Nun, in private practice in Los Angeles for almost 30 years, IDK is not the correct answer, so strike D. Though she leans toward A (never), C is the correct answer to the cell phone question because "if a child is a latch-key kid, home alone for hours" they need a way to communicate with their parents, neighbors, and relatives. Otherwise, hang it up, the phone, because Dr. Bin-Nun believes kids who sleep with their cells waiting for texts, or are texting constantly when awake are growing up way too fast, not practicing how to establish deep and meaningful social relationships or nurturing friendships in the slow lane.
Her advice to moms and dads? "Let your child learn to look at nature. Take them for a hike in the mountains or a swim in the ocean, collect shells on the beach or visit tide pools. Introduce them to rock hunting and polishing, museums, and take them to Little Armenia, Chinatown or Korea Town. Ride the bus or train together to diverse areas of the community, and encourage them to volunteer where there's a great need. For example, tweens can help at local animal shelters by exercising the animals and giving them 'pawsitive' contact time."
What about the bra question? "It depends," says Dr. Bin Nun, who works with tweens struggling with ADD, Aspergers, divorce fall-out, oppositional defiant disorders, and academic challenges. Bin Nun says, "If a tween girl hasn't developed yet, a bra is inappropriate," though this therapist who incorporates art, creative writing, and play into her practice does recommend a middle ground, the "bralette" -- a flatter tube-like undergarment that covers up the nipples, which "girls often want to cover." Perhaps our protagonist Lola might have avoided a lot of problems, had she considered the bralette option instead of racing toward womanhood, selling "cootie-catcher" fortune-telling to her fellow middle school girls to raise money for a much-needed purchase in the lingerie department.
As for the Internet, Dr. Bin Nun, a former school principal, classroom teacher, and founder of two schools, takes a hard line. "Girls 13 and under should not be on Facebook or Instagram" because parents can't monitor their daughter's on line activity, not with the accessibility and dangers of technology. "Tween girls can have aliases on line. In reality, they're only 12 but on line they display photos wearing make up, looking like a hot 18 year old, which can lead tweens to fall prey to unscrupulous online child predators, cyber bullies, and cyber comments that send many tweens with limited coping skills into downward tailspins characterized by anxiety and depression.
Dr. Bin-Nun adds, "Using the Internet and media has shortened childhood. Kids are used to communicating in very brief ways, dumping or slamming 'friends' on Facebook, so experiencing quick unrealistic relationships is inevitable. They aren't exposed to the nuances of how to socialize properly, nuances learned face-to-face. Often on play-dates it's out to eat, mall crawls, online computer gaming with a friend or watching You Tube videos. What happened to board games, arts and crafts, or outdoor fun?"
A Kaiser Family Foundation study in 2010 reveals tweens are exposed to 8-12 hours of media a day, and a Pew study in 2013 showed that 78% have cell phones, with almost half owning smartphones. In a 2014 Newsweek article, Sex and the Single Tween, writer Abigail Jones references research that suggests 55% of tween parents say their child has a Facebook account even though they are not old enough to have one under Facebook's rules, and 76% helped create their child's account.
Dr. Bin-Nun may be swimming against the tide in this age of hyper-sexualization with curvaceous tween role models like Kim Kardashian, Selena Gomez, and Kesha, not to mention cyber bullying -- hateful hash tags and fake accounts that impersonate others -- but she holds fast to her advice to parents to set clear rules and boundaries, which means logical consequences that fit the crime.
For example, in New Girl on Salt Flat Road, Lola Zola plans to sneak off to a make-up party without mom's permission because "... Lola's mother would not approve, so Lola took her cell phone into her closet to RSVP to Pauline. 'The Popcorn Boss is coming,' whispered Lola behind a mound of blankets, 'but keep it to yourself. Some moms might not be cool with make-up."
Quick Poll
Would you allow your 11-year-old to wear make-up?
a) No, absolutely not
b) Only if my child had acne
c) Only light lip gloss
d) Sure, no biggie
I'm not giving away what happens if and when Lola's mother sees her daughter's raccoon eyes, but in a case like this Dr. Bin-Nun recommends the parent hold fast, firmly explain the reasoning behind the discipline approach, and ground the child or at the very least cut back on social privileges - and not waffle. "Parents shouldn't be afraid of their children not liking them," says Dr. Bin-Nun, who strongly advises against becoming "friends" with your child.
In our tween Lola Zola series, which also includes the first novel -- Lola Zola and the Lemonade Crush -- Lola Zola develops a crush on her 6th grade rival for class president, Charles Wembly III, aka Buck or Slime Bucket, who also competes with Lola in the business arena, opening a "limo-nade" stand out of the back of his daddy's stretch limo, across the street from Lola's wobbly lemonade table. When Lola learns that Buck's father is an alcoholic, her antipathy toward Buck melts and she wants to rescue him. Lola's flirtation with co-dependency may be explored in a future tween novel, but for now the question is what to do to ensure Buck isn't permanently damaged by his father.
In the real world, Dr. Bin-Nun recommends Alateen or a family therapy group for tweens or children even younger who are subjected to the roller-coaster ride of an addicted or out-of-control alcoholic parent. "Lola should encourage Buck to go to Alateen" says Dr. Bin-Nun, "so he won't feel so alone and can learn from others who share similar experiences."
Beyond that, she suggests individual and family therapy because children of substance abusers are in pain, even though we can't necessarily see their pain. "Generally, in family system therapy involving parental addiction, kids assume different roles -- the hero, the mascot or the one who makes everything a joke (that would be Buck), and there's the one who grows up too fast and models his or her parent's alcoholic behavior."
Gone are the days when tweens idled away their hours with jacks, hopscotch, hula hoops, and puppet shows.
"Tween years are tough these days," writes Tween Us blogger Shannon Younger. Yes, these are trying fast tech times for girls and boys ages 8-13, and for their parents, too, who may be tempted to give in to their child's fleeting desires, thinking these wants are needs. Slow it down, advises Dr. Bin-Nun.
"What kids really want," says the wise therapist, "is someone they can trust and parents who set clear non-elastic boundaries should be that someone."
Marcy Winograd teaches English at Venice HS in Los Angeles and co-writes the Lola Zola series with Jackie Hirtz.
Jackie Hirtz is a former classroom teacher, who now coaches writers.
"New Girl on Salt Flat Road" is available at Brown Girls Publishing and Amazon. Readers can "like" Lola Zola on Facebook and follow Marcy and Jackie on twitter @tweenorama.
Dr. Judy Bin-Nun is a psychotherapist in practice in Los Angeles.
Pauline, the "bad influence" in Brown Girls Publishing tween novel "New Girl on Salt Flat Road," lives in the fast lane -- hosting make-up parties and pop-up bikini fashion shows, texting 24/7, and flirting with the older boys at the mall.
When I wrote this book with my writing partner Jackie Hirtz, I drew on my own 6th grade memories of a loving mother who didn't want her daughter to grow up too fast versus my bra-swapping girlfriends who thought having an 11-year-old boy snap the back of their bra was a measure of popularity.
In the latest novel in our Lola Zola series, our main character Lola finds herself caught between her mother, who worries her daughter is growing up too fast, and the new girl who is too fast.
What's a mother to do?
Should you buy your 10-year-old a cell phone? Let her wear pink lip gloss? Post on FB, Instagram, Snap Chat, and Vine? Date? Wear a bra if there's nothing there?
a) Never
b) Whatever
c) For the most part no, but ...
d) IDK
To child psychotherapist and parent guidance specialist, Dr. Judy Bin-Nun, in private practice in Los Angeles for almost 30 years, IDK is not the correct answer, so strike D. Though she leans toward A (never), C is the correct answer to the cell phone question because "if a child is a latch-key kid, home alone for hours" they need a way to communicate with their parents, neighbors, and relatives. Otherwise, hang it up, the phone, because Dr. Bin-Nun believes kids who sleep with their cells waiting for texts, or are texting constantly when awake are growing up way too fast, not practicing how to establish deep and meaningful social relationships or nurturing friendships in the slow lane.
Her advice to moms and dads? "Let your child learn to look at nature. Take them for a hike in the mountains or a swim in the ocean, collect shells on the beach or visit tide pools. Introduce them to rock hunting and polishing, museums, and take them to Little Armenia, Chinatown or Korea Town. Ride the bus or train together to diverse areas of the community, and encourage them to volunteer where there's a great need. For example, tweens can help at local animal shelters by exercising the animals and giving them 'pawsitive' contact time."
What about the bra question? "It depends," says Dr. Bin Nun, who works with tweens struggling with ADD, Aspergers, divorce fall-out, oppositional defiant disorders, and academic challenges. Bin Nun says, "If a tween girl hasn't developed yet, a bra is inappropriate," though this therapist who incorporates art, creative writing, and play into her practice does recommend a middle ground, the "bralette" -- a flatter tube-like undergarment that covers up the nipples, which "girls often want to cover." Perhaps our protagonist Lola might have avoided a lot of problems, had she considered the bralette option instead of racing toward womanhood, selling "cootie-catcher" fortune-telling to her fellow middle school girls to raise money for a much-needed purchase in the lingerie department.
As for the Internet, Dr. Bin Nun, a former school principal, classroom teacher, and founder of two schools, takes a hard line. "Girls 13 and under should not be on Facebook or Instagram" because parents can't monitor their daughter's on line activity, not with the accessibility and dangers of technology. "Tween girls can have aliases on line. In reality, they're only 12 but on line they display photos wearing make up, looking like a hot 18 year old, which can lead tweens to fall prey to unscrupulous online child predators, cyber bullies, and cyber comments that send many tweens with limited coping skills into downward tailspins characterized by anxiety and depression.
Dr. Bin-Nun adds, "Using the Internet and media has shortened childhood. Kids are used to communicating in very brief ways, dumping or slamming 'friends' on Facebook, so experiencing quick unrealistic relationships is inevitable. They aren't exposed to the nuances of how to socialize properly, nuances learned face-to-face. Often on play-dates it's out to eat, mall crawls, online computer gaming with a friend or watching You Tube videos. What happened to board games, arts and crafts, or outdoor fun?"
A Kaiser Family Foundation study in 2010 reveals tweens are exposed to 8-12 hours of media a day, and a Pew study in 2013 showed that 78% have cell phones, with almost half owning smartphones. In a 2014 Newsweek article, Sex and the Single Tween, writer Abigail Jones references research that suggests 55% of tween parents say their child has a Facebook account even though they are not old enough to have one under Facebook's rules, and 76% helped create their child's account.
Dr. Bin-Nun may be swimming against the tide in this age of hyper-sexualization with curvaceous tween role models like Kim Kardashian, Selena Gomez, and Kesha, not to mention cyber bullying -- hateful hash tags and fake accounts that impersonate others -- but she holds fast to her advice to parents to set clear rules and boundaries, which means logical consequences that fit the crime.
For example, in New Girl on Salt Flat Road, Lola Zola plans to sneak off to a make-up party without mom's permission because "... Lola's mother would not approve, so Lola took her cell phone into her closet to RSVP to Pauline. 'The Popcorn Boss is coming,' whispered Lola behind a mound of blankets, 'but keep it to yourself. Some moms might not be cool with make-up."
Quick Poll
Would you allow your 11-year-old to wear make-up?
a) No, absolutely not
b) Only if my child had acne
c) Only light lip gloss
d) Sure, no biggie
I'm not giving away what happens if and when Lola's mother sees her daughter's raccoon eyes, but in a case like this Dr. Bin-Nun recommends the parent hold fast, firmly explain the reasoning behind the discipline approach, and ground the child or at the very least cut back on social privileges - and not waffle. "Parents shouldn't be afraid of their children not liking them," says Dr. Bin-Nun, who strongly advises against becoming "friends" with your child.
In our tween Lola Zola series, which also includes the first novel -- Lola Zola and the Lemonade Crush -- Lola Zola develops a crush on her 6th grade rival for class president, Charles Wembly III, aka Buck or Slime Bucket, who also competes with Lola in the business arena, opening a "limo-nade" stand out of the back of his daddy's stretch limo, across the street from Lola's wobbly lemonade table. When Lola learns that Buck's father is an alcoholic, her antipathy toward Buck melts and she wants to rescue him. Lola's flirtation with co-dependency may be explored in a future tween novel, but for now the question is what to do to ensure Buck isn't permanently damaged by his father.
In the real world, Dr. Bin-Nun recommends Alateen or a family therapy group for tweens or children even younger who are subjected to the roller-coaster ride of an addicted or out-of-control alcoholic parent. "Lola should encourage Buck to go to Alateen" says Dr. Bin-Nun, "so he won't feel so alone and can learn from others who share similar experiences."
Beyond that, she suggests individual and family therapy because children of substance abusers are in pain, even though we can't necessarily see their pain. "Generally, in family system therapy involving parental addiction, kids assume different roles -- the hero, the mascot or the one who makes everything a joke (that would be Buck), and there's the one who grows up too fast and models his or her parent's alcoholic behavior."
Gone are the days when tweens idled away their hours with jacks, hopscotch, hula hoops, and puppet shows.
"Tween years are tough these days," writes Tween Us blogger Shannon Younger. Yes, these are trying fast tech times for girls and boys ages 8-13, and for their parents, too, who may be tempted to give in to their child's fleeting desires, thinking these wants are needs. Slow it down, advises Dr. Bin-Nun.
"What kids really want," says the wise therapist, "is someone they can trust and parents who set clear non-elastic boundaries should be that someone."
Marcy Winograd teaches English at Venice HS in Los Angeles and co-writes the Lola Zola series with Jackie Hirtz.
Jackie Hirtz is a former classroom teacher, who now coaches writers.
"New Girl on Salt Flat Road" is available at Brown Girls Publishing and Amazon. Readers can "like" Lola Zola on Facebook and follow Marcy and Jackie on twitter @tweenorama.
Dr. Judy Bin-Nun is a psychotherapist in practice in Los Angeles.
October 8, 2012
Lola Zola Comes to the Ocean Park Library
Please join authors Marcy Winograd and Jackie Hirtz, Thurs., Nov. 8th, 4-5 PM, at the Ocean Park Library, 2601 Main Street, Santa Monica, CA, 90045, as they read passages from Lola Zola and the Lemonade Crush. Young teens, tweens, friends and families are invited to participate in a Readers Theater, dramatizing key passages from the book.
September 11, 2012
10 Back-to-School Tips for Parents of Tweens
I'm a teacher, author and a mom -- not always a perfect mom, but one who has learned from her mistakes and can offer insight into the keys to academic success. I taught middle school tweens in the Los Angeles Unified School District for several years and just published a tween novel, Lola Zola and the Lemonade Crush, to empower young people to overcome tough times. The key question to ask yourself as a parent is "How can I empower my tween?" Answer: Take a deep breath and let go -- but just a little.
Here's my list of 10 back to school tips for parents of tweens:
(1) Encourage your tween to be his or her own advocate.
Rather than always advocating for our children, let's encourage tweens to assert themselves when their needs are not being met in the classroom. Examples: "I'm sorry, but I don't understand the assignment," or "How will this assignment be graded? What are you looking for?"
(2) Help your tween get organized.
Moms and dads don't need to instruct their tweens on the importance of organization, but they do need to model good organizational strategies (systems for paying bills, calendars for keeping track of appointments, etc.) and provide the tools for their children to organize their notebooks to easily access homework agendas, different subjects and sub-dividers within subjects. Example: English, vocabulary, reading, writing, grammar. Backpack looks (I hate to use the word "inspections") are useful to make sure our sons and daughters are not collecting paper wads.
(3) Read with your tween.
Once we're done with the picture books, we can still enjoy the closeness that comes with a shared appreciation for language. Whether it's poetry or the newspaper, we need to find common ground that can lead to laughter, frames of reference, discussion and debate. I recommend Jim Trelease's The Read Aloud Handbook as well as my own book, Lola Zola and the Lemonade Crush -- a tween novel (ages 8-12, available on Amazon) that offers you and your young teens opportunities to discuss family strategies during hard economic times. When reading fiction together, discuss the plot, characters and theme. What do think will happen next? Do you like this character? Why or why not? What's the message here? When reading non-fiction, discuss the main idea and details. What's the author's evidence?
(4) When your tweens makes a questionable claim, challenge them with
two words: "Prove it." In other words, encourage them to support their assertion with evidence: facts, details, anecdotes. This elevates their thinking.
(5) Also elevate their thinking by asking their opinion about their learning. Don't just ask, "What did you learn today?" Ask, "What do you think about what you learned?" This pushes the envelope to access higher order thinking and meta-cognition or thinking about thinking.
(6) Make room in your home for a study center, a desk or table where your
tween can spread out and work without needless interruption.
(7) Restrict time spent on cell phones and other electronic devices.
I've seen tweens addicted to playing games and texting who are virtually unable to put down their phones to join the conversation in the room. There's nothing wrong with setting limits on cell phone use.
(8) Turn off the television and leave it off most of the time.
Some tweens will watch five hours of television after school. Not only does this detract from their school work, but it also leaves them fatigued and cranky.
(9) Practice strategies to ensure tween academic success.
In fourth grade, the school focus changes from reading for pleasure to reading for information. That's why it's so important that we tackle expository text with our tweens. Preview a chapter by reading the titles and turning them into questions; read the comprehension questions at the back first. Turning titles and headings into questions gives tweens a purpose for reading. Additionally, two column notes -- main idea and details -- can be helpful in analyzing a chapter in a textbook. With hand-outs, encourage your tween to highlight main ideas or topic sentences and to check off or number supporting details. Concept map vocabulary words by drawing symbols to represent the words. Example: resilient: rubber band
10) Do not do your tween's homework.
Set aside the same time every day, if possible, for your tweens to complete their own homework. When you do most of the work, be it a nightly assignment or a more involved project, you send the message, "You're not capable" to your child. Instead, empower your children by affirming their abilities. "You were able to tackle that difficult assignment last time. What strategies did you use? What worked best for you? How would you get started on this? What might you do next? I know you are capable."
Good luck with the school year, and remember these three "E" words: Encourage, Empower and Elevate!
This blog was first posted at www.momsla.com
Marcy Winograd and Jackie Hirtz's tween novel Lola Zola and the Lemonade Crush tells the story of a sixth grade girl who tries to support her laid-off parents by selling lemonade rumored to zap wrinkles, cure allergies and promote world peace. Trouble arises when a rival for class president opens a competing limo-stand out of the back of his father's Cadillac. Lola Zola and the Lemonade Crush is available on Amazon and at Diesel book stores in Brentwood and Malibu. For more information, check out Marcy and Jackie's blog at www.lolazola.com
Follow Marcy Winograd on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Marcywinograd
Here's my list of 10 back to school tips for parents of tweens:
(1) Encourage your tween to be his or her own advocate.
Rather than always advocating for our children, let's encourage tweens to assert themselves when their needs are not being met in the classroom. Examples: "I'm sorry, but I don't understand the assignment," or "How will this assignment be graded? What are you looking for?"
(2) Help your tween get organized.
Moms and dads don't need to instruct their tweens on the importance of organization, but they do need to model good organizational strategies (systems for paying bills, calendars for keeping track of appointments, etc.) and provide the tools for their children to organize their notebooks to easily access homework agendas, different subjects and sub-dividers within subjects. Example: English, vocabulary, reading, writing, grammar. Backpack looks (I hate to use the word "inspections") are useful to make sure our sons and daughters are not collecting paper wads.
(3) Read with your tween.
Once we're done with the picture books, we can still enjoy the closeness that comes with a shared appreciation for language. Whether it's poetry or the newspaper, we need to find common ground that can lead to laughter, frames of reference, discussion and debate. I recommend Jim Trelease's The Read Aloud Handbook as well as my own book, Lola Zola and the Lemonade Crush -- a tween novel (ages 8-12, available on Amazon) that offers you and your young teens opportunities to discuss family strategies during hard economic times. When reading fiction together, discuss the plot, characters and theme. What do think will happen next? Do you like this character? Why or why not? What's the message here? When reading non-fiction, discuss the main idea and details. What's the author's evidence?
(4) When your tweens makes a questionable claim, challenge them with
two words: "Prove it." In other words, encourage them to support their assertion with evidence: facts, details, anecdotes. This elevates their thinking.
(5) Also elevate their thinking by asking their opinion about their learning. Don't just ask, "What did you learn today?" Ask, "What do you think about what you learned?" This pushes the envelope to access higher order thinking and meta-cognition or thinking about thinking.
(6) Make room in your home for a study center, a desk or table where your
tween can spread out and work without needless interruption.
(7) Restrict time spent on cell phones and other electronic devices.
I've seen tweens addicted to playing games and texting who are virtually unable to put down their phones to join the conversation in the room. There's nothing wrong with setting limits on cell phone use.
(8) Turn off the television and leave it off most of the time.
Some tweens will watch five hours of television after school. Not only does this detract from their school work, but it also leaves them fatigued and cranky.
(9) Practice strategies to ensure tween academic success.
In fourth grade, the school focus changes from reading for pleasure to reading for information. That's why it's so important that we tackle expository text with our tweens. Preview a chapter by reading the titles and turning them into questions; read the comprehension questions at the back first. Turning titles and headings into questions gives tweens a purpose for reading. Additionally, two column notes -- main idea and details -- can be helpful in analyzing a chapter in a textbook. With hand-outs, encourage your tween to highlight main ideas or topic sentences and to check off or number supporting details. Concept map vocabulary words by drawing symbols to represent the words. Example: resilient: rubber band
10) Do not do your tween's homework.
Set aside the same time every day, if possible, for your tweens to complete their own homework. When you do most of the work, be it a nightly assignment or a more involved project, you send the message, "You're not capable" to your child. Instead, empower your children by affirming their abilities. "You were able to tackle that difficult assignment last time. What strategies did you use? What worked best for you? How would you get started on this? What might you do next? I know you are capable."
Good luck with the school year, and remember these three "E" words: Encourage, Empower and Elevate!
This blog was first posted at www.momsla.com
Marcy Winograd and Jackie Hirtz's tween novel Lola Zola and the Lemonade Crush tells the story of a sixth grade girl who tries to support her laid-off parents by selling lemonade rumored to zap wrinkles, cure allergies and promote world peace. Trouble arises when a rival for class president opens a competing limo-stand out of the back of his father's Cadillac. Lola Zola and the Lemonade Crush is available on Amazon and at Diesel book stores in Brentwood and Malibu. For more information, check out Marcy and Jackie's blog at www.lolazola.com
Follow Marcy Winograd on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Marcywinograd
