Rob Smyth's Blog, page 141

England v India: second Test, day one – as it didn't happen

Persistent rain meant that no play was possible on the first day of the second Test at Lord’s

4.49pm BST

It’s over, you don’t need to tell me... The umpires have accepted the inevitable, and the ECB have confirmed that, no, we cannot claim the last seven hours back. Thankfully the forecast is much better tomorrow, so play should hopefully start on time. Thanks for your company, emails, XIs – and especially for your donations. See you tomorrow!

Related: Ed Smith aims to widen England’s options after Dawid Malan’s omission

4.46pm BST

“I’d be the first to admit this team of Marks could do with some work in the bowling area,” says Jon Perry, “but you should get a few runs on the board: Taylor, Stoneman, Butcher, Ramprakash, Waugh, Ealham, Boucher, Wood, Craig, Ilott, Footitt.”

I always knew Mark Ealham would play Test cricket again.

4.45pm BST

“What about a team of Alis?” says Arun Narayanan. “It’s got everything: opening batsmen, elegant middle-order batsmen, dashing all-rounders, wicket-keeper, spinning all-rounder, and fast bowlers! Syed Mushtaq Ali, Azhar Ali, Basit Ali, Abbas Ali Baig, Ali Bacher, Syed Abid Ali (wk), Ali Shah, Moeen Ali, Hasan Ali, Rahat Ali, Yasir Ali.”

4.39pm BST

“A team of Pauls with more tail than Merv Hughes,” writes our own Daniel Harris. “Horton, Collingwood, Coughlin, Farbrace, Allott, Reiffel, Keemo, Wilson, Adams, Grayson, Wiseman.”

No Paul Strang. You’re dead to me.

4.34pm BST

Update There will be a further inspection in 15 minutes’ time. I suspect they’ll call it off then.

4.33pm BST

The umpires have been out for a chat with the groundsman Mick Hunt. They have umbrellas; they are using them; they are now talking to Joe Root and Trevor Bayliss. I think that might be it for the day.

4.32pm BST

Our old friend Rob Bagchi has picked a team of Steves. “Bit light on the batting - but heavy on the captaincy: Cook, Smith (I), Smith (II), Fleming, Waugh, Elworthy, Rhodes, Finn, O’Keeffe, Watkin, Harmison.”

4.31pm BST

It’s looking a bit gloomy again. Play has to start by 6pm, or all our labour will have been in vain.

4.29pm BST

Jon Holmes has used his own name as inspiration for an XI “John (Jack) Hobbs, John Edrich, John Inverarity, John Hampshire, Jonty Rhodes, John Waite, John Murray, Johnnie Wardle, John Snow, John Warr, Jon Agnew.”

Wot not Trott?

4.29pm BST

“Update from the Compton Lower,” begins our man Nick Miller. “Couple of generously refreshed chaps have just broken through the crack security team & dashed out to do a couple of ‘Klinsmanns’ on the covers. Those of us who have stuck around enjoyed it, but when those lads sober up their pockets will be £1,000 lighter.”

At least they’ll still have their dignit- oh.

4.27pm BST

“Hi Rob,” says Richard Firth. “Your thread about teams with first names, and someone forgetting their team of Grahams/Graemes led me to do some thinking. So, I’ve got: Smith, Gooch, Fowler, Yallop, Pollock, Hick, Thorpe, Manou (wk), Swann. Onions, Dilley. It bats deep, and it’s probably short of another pace bowler, but it’s a full team. Perhaps it would do all right on the subcontinent.”

4.21pm BST

“I quite like Ian,” says Patrick Brennan. “Can’t possibly beat the Michael team but the lower middle order would be fun to watch: Ward, Bell, Chappell (c), Botham, Healy (wk), Smith, Harvey, Blackwell, Austin, Bishop, Salisbury.”

That’s quite a tail. You could always add Redpath and Craig to the top order, or just put Blackwell to No3 for the hell of it.

4.18pm BST

Anand suggests Mohammed and its various spellings: Yousuf, Azharuddin, Akram, Shami, Asif, Nissar. And five others!

4.18pm BST

I’ve managed to put together a decent team of Andys and Andrews, though we’re short of a spinner

Strauss (c), Ganteaume, Hudson, Jones, Symonds, Flower (wk), Flintoff, Bichel, Roberts, Caddick.

4.09pm BST

“What about Alan?” sniffs Ian Rogers. “Border, Lamb, Donald... Mullally? Actually I’m stuck there, but it’s got Mullally in it!!”

Ah yes, good one – you could also have Knott, Melville, Davidson and, er, four others?

4.09pm BST

Update There is still an irritatingly small amount of rain falling at Lord’s. I do think we’ll get some play today, but it might not be for another hour or so.

4.02pm BST

Thanks to Tim, hello again. Let’s crack on with some team-pickin’ fun.

“Emailing from Canada, where I can’t get TMS and I’m turning to you to distract me from a 5000-word masters essay,” writes Tom Bailey. “One the subject of names during the rain delay, challenge your readers for a Test team of players of the same first name. The nest me and my mate Paul could manage was a team of Grahams/Graemes who were great bowlers batsmen, spinners, quicks, openers and all rounders. No other name came close. I’ve contrived to forget the whole team now, and can’t get at my work email to retrieve it, because of this campsite’s stupid bandwidth restrictions.”

3.53pm BST

And with that exciting development, I’m handing back to Rob, the Kohli of the OBO. (But less of a showman.)

3.49pm BST

Another update from Our Man. “Umpires are out,” says Nick Miller. “They have umbrellas, one of which has blown inside out. But nonetheless they are inspecting...”

3.47pm BST

What’s in a name? Quite a long thread, it seems.

“I note with interest,” Ian Forth writes, “that the most popular boy’s name in the US is currently Noah; a name unknown to Test cricket, but curiously appropriate to today’s proceedings.”

3.36pm BST

For the latest, it’s over to Our Man at the Ground. “The rain has slowed to a gentle spit,” says Nick Miller, who’s in the Compton Lower. “The maddening sweet spot between ‘not raining’ and ‘raining enough for the ground staff not to start taking the covers off’. At this stage you’d almost rather a downpour and everyone goes home, than this awful hint of hope. I did just see a bloke passed out with a pint pot in his hand though, so at least people aren’t letting a lack of cricket prevent them from enjoying the cricket.”

3.24pm BST

“Legal terminology,” says a subject line, ominously. “‘Ben ‘Stokes has taken the stand at Bristol crown court’,” it begins, quoting me from 13:57. “I highly doubt that Stokes is a defendant in an American court. He has gone into the witness box.” The signature says “Adam Roberts, sniffily”. It’s a fair cop – sorry, copper.

The law is a bit like sport, isn’t it? If you don’t know the lingo, the people who do may show no mercy.

3.17pm BST

“On the Pope front,” begins a Facebook message, promisingly. It’s from my friend Steven Lynch, of the celebrated Ask Steven column, which began on Guardian Unlimited (email immediately if you remember that) before moving over to Cricinfo. “Have you noted the fact that he’s not the first Test-playing Pope? George of Derbyshire won one cap in 1947.”

You won’t believe this, but it turns out that Ollie’s not even the second Test-playing Pope. “There’s also Roland Pope,” Steven continues, “who played one Test for Australia in 1884-85. He was basically the team doctor and cheerleader, but played in the second Test at Melbourne, one of 11 changes from the previous Test after a pay dispute. Batting at No 6, he made 0 and 3, so not a roaring success.” But still, a better debut than Graham Gooch.

3.10pm BST

Never mind the brollies, we’ve got the Ollies. “On behalf of our community,” declares Oliver Pattenden, “I’d like to express a enormous amount of pride in the young Pope.” That is the acceptable face of the papal pun.

“Ollie Pope may be the first Ollie to play for England’s Test team,” notes Steve Padley, “but I understand that Ollie Robinson of Kent has played for England Under-19s. I saw him make an excellent 115 for Beckenham v Tunbridge Wells last Saturday. Perhaps he could become the second Ollie to play Test cricket, given time.”

2.46pm BST

It’s still raining at Lord’s. The dear old English drizzle is back from his holidays, feeling thoroughly refreshed. But Lord’s drains fast (it’s had plenty of practice) and there could still be some play after tea, so don’t go away. In fact, send us an email, especially – at the risk of sounding like the new supply teacher – if you haven’t put your hand up before.

An email comes in picking up on our photo of the two Indian-supporting umbrellas (above, as these words are written). “It is quite possible that the Indian Government may throw these two to the cellars,” says V Krishnamoorthy. “There is a long list of what you can’t do with the Indian flag, longer list than the ICC code of conduct probably.”

2.33pm BST

Ollie Pope’s name continues to dominate the conversation. “I couldn’t find a list of which are the most common names ever,” says Smylers, “so, going for those assigned to babies born in England and Wales the same year as Ollie Pope [1998], the only more popular name not to have played Test cricket is Hannah: Hannah Rowe is in the current New Zealand team, but they only seem to be playing limited-overs cricket: http://www.espncricinfo.com/newzealand/content/player/543550.html.”

“Got to love the fact,” adds Pete Salmon, “that, as of now, there have been more Test players named Mpumelelo, Eldine, Krishnamachari, Faf, Warnakulasuriya, Pommie, Srinivasaraghavan and Lonwabo than Oliver.”

2.10pm BST

“Cricketing Ollies??!” snorts Pat McGinley. “Colin Milburn, surely!” Nice one.

2.08pm BST

“Most common names never to play Test cricket?” wonders Don Wilson. “Without running it through StatsGuru, I can’t come up with a Boris, a Jacob or a Nigel. Wouldn’t the world be a happier place if those three had gone into cricket instead of politics?”

2.01pm BST

“International Ollies!” yells Mike Bennett. “Although Pope will be the first Oliver, there has been an Ollie who played Test cricket. Olive ‘Ollie’ Smith played 4 Tests for Australia Women: http://www.espncricinfo.com/ci/content/player/53570.html”

That is superb. Especially as she made more stumpings than runs.

1.57pm BST

While his team-mates twiddle their thumbs, Ben Stokes has taken the stand at Bristol crown court. We can’t comment on this but we can report it, and here’s the latest from my colleague Martha Kelner.

“Afternoon Tim.” Afternoon, Simon McMahon. “The first Oliver ever to play Test cricket? ‘Knock Knock?’ Who’s there? ‘Oliver’. Oliver who? ‘Oliver clothes are getting wet, it’s pouring with rain at Lord’s’. I’m here all week, by the way.” Whatever you think of the joke, the single quote marks, ready to go within the double ones, are dead classy.

1.42pm BST

“Most common name never to play Test cricket?” says Hugh Maguire. “Zhang Wei – apparently China’s current most popular name… Or do you want a less smart-Alec response?” This is The Guardian. You’ll find no discrimination against Alecs here, smart or otherwise.

1.39pm BST

An email from Nick Miller, fellow OBOer and Our Man at the Ground. “Update from Lord’s,” he begins, ever the pro. “The gods are teasing us as the skies very occasionally look a bit brighter, causing us all to peer out to see if it’s stopped. But the relentless drizzle continues. At the moment it’s the sort of rain you might just about carry on in, but wouldn’t start in. Despair.” That’s the spirit.

1.34pm BST

It takes more than rain to stop Gary Naylor. “Re that 48-6,” he tweets, “you forgot to add Kohli 42*.” Ha. I didn’t want to presume that India would be batting, though it would be nice. In a perfect world, it would be against the rules for the same team to bat first in two back-to-back Tests.

1.30pm BST

This is frustrating, isn’t it? Especially after the thriller at Edgbaston. Test cricket is such a great leveller, it even brings itself down to earth. Still, it could be worse – cricket, even non-existent cricket, has nothing on the tedium of Transfer Deadline Day.

Time for some correspondence. “The OBO team are playing down in Brighton this coming Sunday,” says Joe Neate, “and due to a couple of injuries are looking a bit short for players. If anyone is around and fancies playing in a fun 4-team charity tournament with plenty of cricket, beer and potentially sun, feel free to reach out to me on joe.neate@gmail.com. All abilities welcome, we have a wide range, and it’s played in a great spirit. It genuinely is just about having a great day and all the teams play in the right way. We have equipment etc so all you’ll need is some white-ish clothes!”

1.19pm BST

We need to talk about Ollie. England’s latest 20-year-old, Ollie Pope, is a likely lad, and a likeable lad, but he’s going to be thrust in at No 4, when he has never batted there for Surrey (regular No 6) or even the England Lions (No 5). He seems quite relaxed about this. Are you?

Also, a bloke in a pub told me last night that Pope is going to be the first Oliver ever to play Test cricket. For any country. This seemed far-fetched, but has been confirmed by Stats Guru, which has various Olivers, none of them Test players. “Do you think,” Bloke in Pub went on, “there’s a more common name that has yet to make its Test debut?”

1.10pm BST

Afternoon everyone and thanks Rob. It’s looking bleak but not hopeless. I have this from no less an authority than Matthew Engel, who has a ticket for the Edrich Stand and reckons “we will get some play, very late – finishing about midnight”. The Met Office (sorry, Pete Salmon, 11:10) has the rain relenting after tea, which might give us 20 overs under the lights, with whoever has lost the toss having time to make 48 for 6.

12.59pm BST

The great Tim de Lisle will be your weatherman for the next couple of hours. You can email him or tweet @TimdeLisle. Bye!

12.43pm BST

Legover department “You’re bang on about Johnners still raising a smile,” says Richard Marsden. “It’s the squeaky ‘he hit a four over the wicketkeeper’s head’ that always gets me. But from comedy to tragedy, the great shame about the whole story is that the epilogue is even funnier than the main event, but it’s been more or less lost as far as I can tell. This, from the Telegraph in 2001, summarises it:

“‘Johnston was somewhat embarrassed by his loss of control and refused to share the box with Agnew for almost a year afterwards, for fear that eye contact would cause him to do it again. And indeed he did. Together again in 1993, Agnew passed him a letter to read out, one written by the (authentic) Mr William H Titt. Once again the duo dissolved helplessly, just at the time the teams were coming out onto the field, but this time they were rescued by colleague Trevor Bailey. According to Agnew, Johnston ‘had to be led away, squeaking and wheezing pathetically.’”

12.39pm BST

“If anyone does attempt a pun of the Papal variety (John Starbuck, 11:16),” says Bill Hargreaves, “it’s possibly best to rely on the practiced retort.”

12.38pm BST

Unsolved mysteries of the modern world, part 1

Why does Kumar Sangakkara call him David Malan?

12.38pm BST

“Afternoon Rob,” says Matt Emerson. “I have a ticket for today, but I have been forced to go to the office due to deadline pressures, so is it - to coin a phrase - cowardly to pray for this rain to last all day?”

12.37pm BST

I’m off to grab a coffee. See you in five minutes for more nothing.

12.29pm BST

With light still falling, the umpires have decided to take an early lunch. And why not?

12.23pm BST

“It looks on my (pretty reliable) app that we will have play from around 3pm-4pm,” says Jim F. “As for the toss: at Lord’s as soon as it is overcast or there has been rain you have to bowl first. The wicket won’t give you much on days four and five and with lots of overs likely to be lost will have less wear and tear anyway. So the best chance of 20 wickets surely means making the most of overhead conditions and swing when present. We’re not always that good at this admittedly.”

Yes, a shorter game removes some of the risk of bowling first. That said, England will be conscious of the last Test against India on this ground, when they bowled first, bowled poorly and then batted even worse. If it looks like there will be at least 30 overs’ play today I might bowl first, but if it doesn’t start until tomorrow I’d probably bat.

12.20pm BST

“I work in Baker Street (just down the road from Lord’s),” writes Pauline Peel, “and I can confirm that there’s no change in the weather - although it may (just) be getting a teeny bit lighter over the Barley Mow (in Dorset Street). There are quite a few of us in the office willing the rain to stop. Not sure our credit with the Almighty is all that good though!”

12.20pm BST

“‘Precipitation is still occurring’?” sniffs John Starbuck. “Are you turning into Arthur Daley? It’s an odd kind of alter ego for a cricket writer but I expect it has some merits.”

You’re an invertebrate liar, Starbuck.

12.16pm BST

“Regarding Phil Sawyer’s description of post-married life,” begins Elliot Carr-Barnsley. “I can confidently assert, having also recently disappointed the remaining women of the world by getting engaged, that the scenario he describes is achievable at any stage of the relationship process.”

Legal disclaimer: Guardian Media Group does not encourage OBO readers to sit around in their undercrackers listening to TMS and trolleying booze if they want to remain betrothed for long

12.13pm BST

Update Precipitation is still occuring in the NW8 postcode area.

12.12pm BST

“Still sunny in Hereford and set to stay that way tillSaturday,” says Pete Salmon. “It’s a pig of a drive, but if the players and officials get the 13.03 from Euston they could be here by 16.14. The Edgar Street ground is just 15 mins from the station – play underway for 17.00 – we could get half a day in before it gets dark, make up time tomorrow, and then they can all catch the 19.50 back tomorrow. Sorted.”

Yeah, but the regulations won’t allow it. THere’s just no bloomin’ commonsense in cricket.

12.11pm BST

If you live outside the UK and prefer the audio version of ‘rain stops play’, Romeo has kindly sent in the overseas TMS link.

Seeya then. No it’s fine, I’m not offended. Yeah, have a nice life.

12.07pm BST

“While I agree that Duncan Fletcher was a genius of a batting coach, for me he also had an almost infantile obsession with pace bowling. Steve Harmison shouldn’t have played half the Tests he did while poor old Matthew Hoggard was unceremoniously dumped after a poor display in NZ.”

I think Hoggard was dumped under Peter Moores. I know what you mean - I wish Martin Bicknell had played more Tests - but Fletcher has so much credit in the bank, and his obsession with pace helped make England pretty competitive away from home.

12.04pm BST

“Congratulations to Guy Hornsby on his impending nuptials and all that,” says Phil Sawyer, “but some OBOers have blazed through the fiancée stage, screamed through the divorce section and are now well into the ten years and counting sat alone in our pants listening to TMS sucking on ice lollies and falling asleep at the bottom of a bottle stage. Erm, so I hear…”

11.56am BST

“My dismay at the weather is being thoroughly tempered by the knowledge that my friend Nick is Ollie Pope’s bat sponsor,” says Richard O’Hagan. “Nick has been rubbing his hands with glee at the prospect of his logo being flashed to the watching millions when young Ollie strides to the crease. The cloud of gloom that will be hanging over him at the moment is definitely making me happier than a rain delay usually would.”

11.54am BST

On this day 27 years ago...

I defy anyone to listen to this, even if it’s for the 471st time, and not smile.

11.50am BST

Musical interlude (it’s still raining)

11.44am BST

“Morning Rob, what a day to be Oli Pope, waiting for the clouds to part to make your bow,” says Guy Hornsby. “Sat up in Manchester preparing for my imminent nuptials on Saturday (yes, an OBOer with an actual fianceé), by which time I’m hoping we’ll have skittled India out for 180 after a monstrous 580 for six declared, with tons for Pope, Cook and Root (finally). That’ll be a decent wedding present, thanks. I’m a realist, so perhaps just escaping abject humiliation is more achievable. And hope we play alright in the cricket, too.”

Oh crikey, I had no idea. Congratulations!

11.41am BST

The captains will have a tricky decision at the toss, even if it’s delayed until tomorrow morning. I’m 99.94 per cent certain they’d have batted first had the heatwave continued.

11.33am BST

There are only so many ways you can say ‘it’s still raining’. This isn’t looking good.

11.29am BST

“I like the thought that Henry reads so violently that he breaks the spine of the books,” writes Mike Daniels. “He’s one of three talented brothers and there’s high hopes for the youngest, Ethan. Henry might end up being sledged a la Mark Waugh (Best all-rounder in the world? Not even the best all-rounder in the family!).

11.28am BST

“Do readers send you cakes at all, a la TMS?” asks Bill Hargreaves. “I’d demand it.”

I think we’ve had a few in the past, though a lot of the OBOers work remotely these days, and I’m not giving out my address.

11.26am BST

“11:16,” begins David Crowther. “‘Brookes is particularly exciting, though he’s out for the rest of the season with a stress fracture of the book.’

“What on earth is that, an injury known only to literary types?”

11.25am BST

“Sky have been discussing selection issues and Mike Atherton reckons that at this level the selectors are considerably more influential than the coaches,” says Brian Withington. “He feels that there is relatively little scope for technical development with Test players, so getting the ‘right ones’ on the pitch is the more important task. Interesting point, but not sure he is allowing sufficiently for the potential for a good coach (creating the right environment) to facilitate peak performance even with established players. Discuss.”

Well, he knows slightly more about Test cricket than us, and I do agree that identifying which players will cope with international cricket is the most important thing for a selector or coach. But I do take your point. Duncan Fletcher, a genius of a batting coach, is a great example of the technical influence a coach can have, while Trevor Bayliss’s success with the one-day team demonstrates the importance of creating the environment you mentioned.

11.19am BST

“Can the captains change their final XI based on the conditions (drop the spinner for a seamer),” asks Saurabh Rye, “or have team sheets already been submitted?”

They sure can. You don’t submit the team until the toss takes place.

11.18am BST

Prose, while u wait. Our old friend Steve Pye has indulged in a bit of masochistic nostalgia by looking at the highlights (sic) of English Test cricket in the 1980s.

11.16am BST

“Good morning (which it is this far north),” says John Starbuck

in Greenland
. “The best scenario would be for England to win the first three matches, then use the last two to experiment. They could rotate Anderson and Broad and blood a couple of younger fast bowlers. But who might these be? The reserve pack, such as Plunkett, might still play a role in the short forms, but there’s a generational shift going on now. Also, capping Ollie Pope will introduce a big packet of puns for cricket writers; got yours ready?”

Oh lord no. My writing is bad enough without resorting to cheesy puns. As for young fast bowlers, there are a few with a lot of promise: Olly Stone, Henry Brookes, the Overton brothers, Matthew Fisher. Brookes is particularly exciting, though he’s out for the rest of the season with a stress fracture of the book.

11.10am BST

“Aaaaaaaaaarghhh,” says Pete Salmon. “I want the cricket to start!!! Can’t you do something?! Blazing sun in Hereford. What the hell is going on. Bloody Met Office.”

I thought they only predicted the rain. They create it as well?

10.58am BST

No news is bad news: it’s still raining, it’s still miserable. The forecast suggests we may struggle to get any play today.

10.46am BST

Before play starts, if indeed it does start, please read this charity appeal on behalf of an extraordinarily brave 12-year-old.

10.31am BST

The toss has been delayed. It’s not raining heavily - it’s mizzle at worst - but the covers are still on.

10.29am BST

“A highish-scoring affair?” queries Richard Dennis. “Perhaps not. The average completed County Championship innings score at Lord’s this year is 225. It seems it’s a slightly different beast this season.”

Interesting, thanks. For no particular reason, I still expect the first-innings scores to be around 350-400.

10.19am BST

Apparently the pitch is fairly green, which makes it more likely that England will pick Chris Woakes ahead of Moeen Ali as a replacement for Ben Stokes. India have a few things to consider: any of Ravindra Jadeja, Kuldeep Yadav and Cheteshwar Pujara could come into the team.

10.09am BST

Some pre-match reading

10.07am BST

Gary Naylor is in the house! Well, the pressbox

“Looking like more off than on here today, even with the fabled drainage at Lord’s. If anyone is up for whiling away the hours between inspections with a bit of analysis of what made the first Test a great one (if not quite an all-time great one), I scribbled lots of words here.”

2.21pm BST

Hello. The addict knows all about guilt; about putting his cravings before the welfare of others. Was it not Trainspotting’s Mark Renton who said, ‘I appreciate what you’re trying to do, I really do, but I JUST NEED ONE MORE OVER OF ANDERSON TO KOHLI, YOU *!&*’?

No, it wasn’t, but had he done so he’d have spoken for many of us. With the possible exception of heroin, which I’ve yet to try, Test cricket is the most moreish drug of all. Yes, we know back-to-back Tests are a Bad Thing. Sure, burnout is one of cricket’s biggest problems. But never mind the bodies, minds and souls of 22 weary cricketers: there’s another Test match for us to enjoy!

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India’s record-equalling generation face their defining Test at Lord’s this week | The Spin

Virat Kohli’s team for Edgbaston had eight men over 29 and probably need to win this series and the one in Australia to satisfy the captain’s stated ambition for his No 1-ranked side

In Phoenix from the Ashes, his book of the 1981 series, the England captain Mike Brearley perfectly captured Ian Botham’s irresistible fusion of ambition, self-belief and talent. “The sky was not his limit,” wrote Brearley. “It was his target.”

The description could have been custom made for Virat Kohli. He has set stratospheric standards since taking over as India’s Test captain during the 2014-15 tour of Australia. When India collected the Test Championship mace after moving to No 1 in October 2016, Kohli took the opportunity to demonstrate his ferocious ambition. “I’m confident we will continue to win matches at home as well as abroad in the coming seasons,” he said. “I want this team to be remembered as one of the finest Test teams ever.”

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The weird world of football's greatest conman Carlos Kaiser | Rob Smyth

In an extract from his new book Kaiser!, which accompanies the film of the same name, Rob Smyth looks at some of the tricks used by football’s greatest con artist

Eri Johnson, one of Brazil’s most famous actors, will never forget the first time he met footballing royalty. “The first time I saw Kaiser,” he says, “he was crossing the street with such swagger that I thought, ‘That guy must be one of the best footballers in the world.’”

As a big football fan, Johnson had no idea who Kaiser was. But the way Renato Gaúcho greeted Kaiser made Johnson think he was in the presence of someone different. “I even regret not getting up back then. I apologise to Kaiser for that. I’d already met Pelé but I thought the way Kaiser walked was more distinguished. I should have got on my knees, because those legs were incredible!”

Related: Kaiser: The Greatest Footballer Never to Play Football review – meet the Brazilian Mr Ripley

Related: The forgotten story of ... Carlos Kaiser, football's greatest conman | Rob Smyth

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Determining whether FH Hafnarfjardar play 4-3-3 or 4-2-3-1 | The Fiver

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The Fiver will never forget the moment we realised our love of football had become an addiction. It was when Granny Fiver asked where the spiralizer was and we instinctively replied, “CAN’T YOU FIND IT YOURSELF YOU EFFING BANSHEE, WE’RE TRYING TO WATCH FH HAFNARFJARDAR V HAVERFORDWEST COUNTY IN THE UEFA VASE FIRST QUALIFYING ROUND!”

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Football transfer rumours: Gonzalo Higuaín to join Chelsea?

Today’s prattle moves with a purpose and it is so magnificent

We start with the big breaking gossip that Stoke will have to pay £10m if they want to take Tom Ince from Huddersfiel-

Ach, let’s try that one again.

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How Alex Ferguson snatched Roy Keane out of Blackburn’s hands | Rob Smyth

The midfielder became one of Manchester United’s greats but he had almost signed for Kenny Dalglish’s team instead

Historic moments usually have an epic quality. But sometimes all it takes to change the world is for a few office staff to get that Friday feeling. Exactly 25 years ago – in the summer of 1993 – the world of football changed for ever because the admin team at Ewood Park clocked off on time. If somebody had stayed late in the office, Roy Keane would have become a Blackburn Rovers player. Instead, Alex Ferguson was given the chance to oversee one of his most important injury-time winners.

Related: England’s dream over but on ITV Roy Keane’s fun was just beginning

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We’ve found almost nothing to moan about | World Cup Fiver

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The Fiver bloody loves the World Cup. Nothing else allows such wall-to-wall indulgence of our greatest passion: moaning about how much better things were in the old days. Every time some “twentysomething” gets excited about a great goal, we brusquely inform them they should see Algeria’s first against Chile in 1982 before inflicting their extreme views on others. When an “expert” hails the World Cup as the best ever before the end of the group stages, we wait for the knockout stages and smile smugly as match after match goes to penalties following a sterile 0-0 draw.

Related: Tiki-taxi for Spain as style becomes vice against Russia’s rearguard | Barney Ronay

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We thought we’d seen everything with England | World Cup Fiver

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The Fiver is a pacifist. By that, we mean when that discoloured buffoon starts World War III, we’ll come up with any excuse possible to ensure we’re nowhere near the line of fire. If it means eating flavoured fatbergs until we’re the size of a house, so be it. What we won’t do is proudly demonstrate our integrity, patriotism and masculinity by marching intrepidly towards certain death. That, in football terms, is what England are apparently aiming to do when they play Belgium Reserves on Thursday night. We thought we’d seen everything with England at the World Cup, but it’s definitely a first to go into a match game fearing a victory.

Related: David Platt and the drama of England and Belgium’s last World Cup clash | Stuart James

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Switzerland 2-2 Costa Rica: World Cup 2018 – as it happened

Yann Sommer’s injury-time own goal gave Costa Rica their first part of the tournament, but Switzerland qualified safely for the last 16

9.16pm BST

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8.58pm BST

I’ll leave you with our match report from Nizhny Novgorod. Thanks for your company, goodnight!

Related: Switzerland seal place in World Cup last 16 after 2-2 draw with Costa Rica

8.56pm BST

In the other Group E game, Brazil did the necessary against Serbia and will face Mexico in the last 16 on Monday afternoon.

Related: Paulinho and Thiago Silva put Brazil through and send Serbia home

8.53pm BST

That was a lively, engaging game of football, even if it was apparent early on that the result was unlikely to matter. Costa Rica were terrific and deserved at least a point. Switzerland got what they came for – a point that confirms their place in the last 16. They will face Sweden on Tuesday.

8.51pm BST

Bryan Ruiz, with what is almost certainly his last kick at a World Cup, steps up - and he scores! Well, kind of. The penalty hit the underside of the bar, rebounded onto the back of Sommer and into the net. It’ll go down as an own goal.

8.50pm BST

90+2 min This referee seems determined to give Costa Rica a penalty. Campbell goes over after a challenge from Zakaria and a penalty is given. It’s a bit soft, that - if anything Campbell fouled Zakaria.

8.49pm BST

90+1 min When it comes to offsides, VAR has worked almost perfectly. The rest of it, not so much.

8.48pm BST

Yes, the decision has been overturned. I’m not sure it was a foul either.

8.48pm BST

90 min Waston was also booked for shoving the referee from behind as he appealed for a penalty. I think the decision is going to be overturned because Bryan Ruiz was offside when he received the ball in the aea.

8.47pm BST

89 min Bryan Ruiz goes down in the area and the referee gives a penalty. It looked a bit soft but we haven’t seen a replay.

8.46pm BST

That was a fine finish. Zakaria played a low ball into the box from the right, and when Acosta slipped it allowed Drmic to run onto the ball and curl a classy first-time shot into the corner.

8.45pm BST

Josep Drmic has won it for Switzerland!

8.44pm BST

87 min “Rodney Wallace coming on,” says Rachel Clifton, “is giving me some severe Southampton nostalgia.”

Wait till you see Colombia’s rugged right-winger, Tommy Widdrington.

8.43pm BST

86 min “Thanks, Karl Lindgren, for including the Netherlands among the giants,” says Jan Karremans. “But that’s too much honor for us, these days.”

8.42pm BST

84 min Borges’s cross is headed away superbly under pressure by Lichtsteiner, who is clattered by Wallace in the process. That was great defending.

8.41pm BST

83 min Schar is booked for pulling back the superb Campbell. It’s a slightly harsh booking, which means he’ll also miss the Sweden game in the last 16.

8.39pm BST

81 min Switzerland make their final change, with Michael Lang replacing Xherdan Shaqiri. And Costa Rica bring on Rodney Wallace for the excellent Daniel Colindres.

8.36pm BST

79 min After a terrific, shambling run from Campbell, Borges’s fierce strike is beaten away by Sommer.

8.35pm BST

78 min Drmic hits the post! It was a thumping header from Embolo’s flat cross, and it clattered off the top of the post before Navas had chance to dive.

8.35pm BST

77 min “Dear Rob,” says Karl Lindgren. “Sweden are a bit of an enigma. They are ranked number 23, with no transcendent stars and no strikers to speak of – an average also-ran if there ever was one. Yet, what team has slain more giants on the way to the 16 than the Ssons? Netherlands, Italy, Germany – yes, I am aware they lost to Germany... give an expat Swede a break!”

With the way the draw is, they could get to the semis. They are so solid defensively. It wouldn’t surprise me if they beat Switzerland and then took Belgium or England to penalties in the quarters.

8.33pm BST

75 min Zakaria is booked for pulling back Gamboa.

8.31pm BST

73 min The match is petering out now. I don’t know what else to say, because there’s nothing of note to report.

8.28pm BST

70 min Brazil have gone 2-0 up against Serbia. That means Switzerland are going through to the last 16, where they will almost certainly meet Sweden.

Related: World Cup 2018: Serbia v Brazil – live!

8.27pm BST

69 min Another Switzerland change: Mario Gavranovic is replaced by Josip Drmic.

8.25pm BST

68 min Nothing much to report. Costa Rica are still pushing hard for a consolation victory; Switzerland are experiencing the age-old stick/twist dilemma.

8.21pm BST

64 min Costa Rica look the likelier winners. Switzerland have been a bit pedestrian going forward for most of the game.

8.18pm BST

60 min A Switzerland substitution: Denis Zakaria replaces Valon Behrami.

8.17pm BST

60 min An unexpected feature of this tournament has been rousing farewell performances from teams who have already been eliminated: Morocco, Saudi Arabia, Costa Rica, Peru and of course Korea. I know Korea could technically have gone through today but it was pretty unlikely.

8.15pm BST

57 min There’s no need for Switzerland to worry just yet – they only need a draw to go through, and even a defeat will be fine if Brazil maintain their lead against Serbia.

8.14pm BST

Kendall Waston scores Costa Rica’s first goal of the tournament! Campbell swerved a right-wing corner towards the six-yard line, where Waston shoved Akanji aside and flicked an accomplished header into the corner.

8.12pm BST

54 min Campbell’s cross is nodded down smartly by Colindres for Oviedo, who lashes the bouncing ball over the bar. It wouldn’t come down quickly enough for him. It was another lovely move, though. Costa Rica have played some really neat attacking football.

8.10pm BST

52 min Shaqiri plays a superb angled pass into the area to find Embolo, whose shot from a very tight angle is beaten away by Navas.

8.08pm BST

50 min As things stand, Switzerland will play Sweden in the last 16 on Tuesday.

8.07pm BST

49 min Rodriguez wallops a fine shot just over the bar from 25 yards.

8.06pm BST

48 min Campbell misses an excellent chance to equalise! A corner was only half cleared and dumped back into the area by Borges. It was dummied cleverly by Waston, allowing it to run to Campbell, but he sliced it well wide on the half-volley.

8.04pm BST

47 min Oviedo is lucky not to be booked for a kick at Shaqiri.

8.03pm BST

47 min “Was there another keeper as physically imposing yet capable of the darndest feline-like acrobatics as Schmeichel?” says Phil Podolsky. “Besides Neuer, I mean, whose howler doesn’t mean he is suddenly not the best in the world.”

I can’t think of anyone, no. He really was an elastic beast.

8.03pm BST

46 min Peep peep! Costa Rica begin the second half.

7.46pm BST

Peep peep! Despite a torrid start to the match, this dogged Switzerland side are on course for the last 16. See you in 10 minutes for the second half.

7.42pm BST

42 min A neat move from Costa Rica. Ruiz feeds an excellent pass into Campbell, who moves it across to Colindres. He has a great chance to play in Borges on the right of the area, but he overhits the pass.

7.41pm BST

41 min Costa Rica have faded a little after that terrific start. Switzerland have them under control at the moment.

7.38pm BST

37 min Lichtsteiner is booked for a late tackle on Colindres. That’s bad news for Switzerland, as it means he’ll miss their match in the last 16. The resulting free-kick is swung towards the far post and just past the stretching Waston.

7.37pm BST

36 min More good news for Switzerland: Paulinho has given Brazil the lead against Serbia.

Related: World Cup 2018: Serbia v Brazil – live!

7.34pm BST

33 min Dzemaili almost gets his second. Gavranovic touched the ball back to the edge of the area, where Dzemaili ran onto the ball and hit a fierce shot that deflected wide off Gonzalez.

7.32pm BST

That was a well-constructed goal. Lichtsteiner’s deep cross was headed down superbly by Embolo into the path of Dzemaili, who battered it into the net from eight yards.

7.31pm BST

Switzerland take the lead against the run of play.

7.29pm BST

29 min Campbell holds off Akanji, who goes down holding his face. Campbell is booked. That seems a bit harsh - he did catch him with his arm but he was only trying to hold him off.

7.28pm BST

28 min If only Costa Rica had been able to start with this front three in the first two games. They have been really splendid.

7.27pm BST

26 min “I’m just off to play the hottest, sweatiest game of indoor 5-a-side, so is there any way you could stop any massive drama from happening?” pleads Matt Dony. “Or, at least, simply not report on it? The FOMO is real. (I will be trying very, very hard to Nacho one into the far corner.)”

7.24pm BST

24 min Another chance for the dangerous Colindres, whose attempted Thierry Henry finish from the left side of the box is crucially blocked by Akanji. I think that was going in.

7.22pm BST

22 min Switzerland will be grateful that it’s still 0-0; they could easily be 3-0 down.

7.20pm BST

20 min Campbell and Colindres have made such a difference to this Costa Rica team. They combine nicely again before Colindres, on the left edge of the box, cuts across a wicked left-footed shot that is palmed round by the diving Sommer. That’s another mighty fine save.

7.18pm BST

18 min As things stand, Switzerland will play Sweden on Tuesday: the immovable object versus the immovable object.

7.17pm BST

17 min A loose ball is picked up by Gavranovic, who curls a low shot wide from 20 yards. Navas has it covered.

7.13pm BST

13 min Switzerland look a bit startled by the spectacular attacking verve of Costa Rica. They need to slow the game down for a bit and restore some order.

7.11pm BST

10 min Colindres hits the bar with a brilliant effort! Costa Rica have started this match brilliantly and have already hit the woodwork twice. Colindres nicked the ball off Shaqiri down the left and cut inside on his right foot. He saw Sommer slightly off his line and curled a booming shot that beat the keeper and clattered off the underside of the bar.

7.10pm BST

9 min That save from Sommer gets better every time you see it. It was reminscent of Peter Schmeichel’s famous save against Rapid Vienna in 1996.

7.07pm BST

7 min Costa Rica look busy and dangerous. Colindres, found by Bryan Ruiz, crashes a good shot just over the bar from 20 yards. Sommer had it covered.

7.07pm BST

6 min Sommer makes a stunning double save! The first, from Campbell’s shot, was good; the second was exceptional. Borges’s superb downward header was going in the corner before Sommer changed direction, dived full length to his right and somehow brushed it onto the post. That might be the save of the tournament.

7.05pm BST

5 min Campbell twists Rodriguez’s blood on the right of the box and clips the ball across goal. It brushes the outstretched hand of Rodriguez, who was falling over, and Xhaka clears. There was no VAR reivew, though I’d like to see that again.

7.04pm BST

4 min Brilliant play from Shaqiri, who nutmegs Oviedo and cuts the ball back to Gavranovic, whose snapshot is blocked by Gonzalez.

7.02pm BST

2 min Embolo is fouled 25 yards from goal, a long way to the left of centre. Shaqiri belts a low cross that flashes past Gavranovic and out for a goalkick.

6.59pm BST

1 min Peep peep! Switzerland, in red, get the match under way. Costa Rica are in white.

6.54pm BST

The players emerge from the tunnel to the familiar bassline of Seven Nation Army. Switzerland’s players look stern and focussed.

6.45pm BST

Weird stat of the day Four of the last five World Cup winners have gone out at the group stage of the next tournament.

6.44pm BST

An email “Maybe we shouldn’t gloat so much about Germany,” says Hubert O’Hearn. “If memory serves, they didn’t react very well after that 1938 first round defeat.”

6.33pm BST

It’s worth repeating Germany are out of the World Cup. Germany are out of the World Cup. Germany are out of the World Cup.

6.29pm BST

Also in Group E... Should you inexplicably deem it a more exciting or important match, you can follow Serbia v Brazil with the marvellous and marvellously bald Paul Doyle.

Related: Serbia v Brazil: World Cup 2018 – live!

6.12pm BST

Some pre-match reading

Related: Eagle lands Xherdan Shaqiri and Granit Xhaka in spat but Swiss soar | Nick Miller

6.04pm BST

Switzerland (4-2-3-1) Sommer; Lichtsteiner, Schar, Akanji, Rodriguez; Behrami, Xhaka; Shaqiri, Dzemaili, Embolo; Gavranovic.

Costa Rica (3-4-2-1) Navas; Acosta, Waston, Gonzalez; Gamboa, Borges, Guzman, Oviedo; Bryan Ruiz, Colindres; Campbell.

2.52pm BST

The World Cup? Bloody hell. Germany’s stunning elimination confirms that this is the most unpredictable tournament since at least 2002. As in that tournament, there’s a great chance for an outsider to make the semi-finals, which for a smaller country is the equivalent of winning it.

Related: Germany crash out of World Cup group stage after defeat to South Korea

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The biggest problem with technology is humans | World Cup Fiver

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The Fiver knows all about the perils of technology. Take the time our Social Media Disgrace Twitter account was hacked and some ne’er-do-well posted a picture of the masculine phallus to our followers, both of whom haven’t spoken to us since. We knew then – and we certainly know after watching the Ethics World Cup – that the biggest problem with technology is humans.

Related: Iran’s Carlos Queiroz berates Fifa over Cristiano Ronaldo VAR escape

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