Francesca Bossert's Blog, page 21

ANGRY MASSEUSE

the sunset last night. No filters! My body felt quite sunsetty too!

 

Was she angry?

Not with me, of course.

I knew that.

Could it be the state of the world?

Had frost killed her bougainvillea?

I’d have been pissed about that, too.

Or had her husband bought her a hand-held mixer

Or a juicer

Or an ugly ornament

For her birthday?

It’s amazing what my mind does

When inside I’m yelling, yikes, WTF?

Should I have asked her what was the matter?

Because surely there was something.

Because I kept saying,

In my ridiculous, typical, gentle English manner

Err…gently?... Gently...?

Maybe I should have said what I kept on saying a little louder,

Like, OY! FFS GENTLY!

Especially when she

Just

Kept

Kneading.

 

And now her anger tingles inside me.

 

Why am I so damn polite?

 

Note to self: no more massage. I never enjoy them.

 

RIDE LIKE THE WIND

Following my recent and unexpected reversal of fortune, I am pleased to announce that I once again plan on being a galloping grandma

Although not necessarily a real grandma - no pressure, kids, really! - I am quite happy being a galloping old lady

I believe the baby connotation is more of a literary accessory, anyway; did you know there are playlists for coastal grandmothers?

I shall make a galloping grandma playlist

Ride like the Wind, Nana

Contribute towards a pony

ASKING FOR A FRIEND

Camiral sunset, Girona, Catalunya

If you have a nap,

And wake up three hors later,

Is it still a nap?

Buy me a hot water bottle

“PROBLEM” AREAS

My “problem” areas have shifted recently.

I must admit to having a marked preference for the new ones; Cortisone is shopping’s best friend!

Also, family packs of toilet paper are so last season.

Buy me a Mars bar!

A LITTLE LOCA

If I let myself go, where would I go to?

Is there a place where nobody would bat an eyelid if I reconnected with my six-year-old self and skipped down the street singing Oklahoma at the top of my voice,

Or

Did bike wheelies and then patted the handlebars while speaking in soothing tones?

And would my friends be up to playing elastic (preferably dissuading me from attempting anything higher than ankle)?

I would obviously still wear my signature shade of red lipstick.

Tout de même!

BUY ME A NEW RED LIPSTICK!

...

What did the frowning Security man see in my cute little white carry-on?

Was it my prized collection of vintage crochet hooks that made him lean in with a puzzled expression?

Or did my impressive collection of medication for every illness known to the pharmaceutical industry incite closer inspection?

Or was he simply looking for an excuse to get to know the crafty, precautious, attractive older woman behind the drugs?

Life goals!

Buy me a Lamborghini? A bunny? A Yorkshire Terrier?

Or buy my book!

WEATHER FORECAST

Plane-rattling westerly winds over large parts of Europe today.

All passengers flying Buoyant Airlines to Barcelona encouraged to refrain from breakfast. We regret to inform you that, due to budget  restrictions, puke bags are no longer provided.

Toilets will not be operational during this flight.

Thank you for your collaboration.

BUY ME A MINCE PIE? A NEW DRESS? A SCENTED CANDLE?

SHE MEANS WELL

 

Well, hello there my dear

How’ve you been? What’s your news?

You’re looking amazing;

I do love those shoes!

 

Have you seen your friend Thingy?

Are you two still tight?

As much as I love her,

She can’t be that bright.

 

Thingy said things about you

I shouldn’t repeat

But I’m sure you’re aware

She’s a bit of a freak.

 

In a nutshell that nutter

Spouted this and then that.

I’m telling you this

Just to give you the facts.

 

Of course, I ignored her,

Gossip isn’t my style!

I find her behaviour

Utterly infantile.

 

She’s so boorish, so stuck-up,

So heartless and crass.

But don’t let her upset you,

She’s just a spoilt brat.

 

Well, I guess I should go now,

I’ve so much to do!

But please don’t tell Thingy

The things I’ve told you.

Buy me a Mince Pie?

DON’T STOP BELIEVING

Made by Me

With joy and exhilaration,

Will my magic

Reach

Curious fingers,

Pique

Intrigued minds,

And

Bubble up

Smiles?

Giggles?

Joy?

 

Dream, create, share, then detach,

 

But don’t stop believing.

 

(Especially at Christmas!)

THE KICKER

Good morning,I wrote this on my phone late last night in a few minutes.It's a poem inspired by a memory of when my husband and I were on holiday in the Maldives over Christmas more than a decade ago. Soon after we arrived, my husband saw one of his all time football heroes (who had become a huge international coach) coming towards us, and literally froze. It was as if I'd seen Ricky Martin sashaying towards me... Anyway, to each his own, or their own, or whatever the wording of that expression is. I can never remember. I'm sure you get the picture.We ended up having drinks and dinner with the football star and his wife, and remain good friends. Here it is!THE KICKERIt’s him,He gasped,Stargiddy,Crash-Landing in DisneylandAs a vision ofAbsolutely Normal Brushed past us in the lobby.Apparently, you are,I chirruped,Ignorant therefore unfazed,Grabbing life by the Ta-da’s!!!I am, he smiled, unfazed,As my other halfGush-gabbled decades ofFootball fireworks.Drink? Suggested the star.Cue the hallelujah chorus.

(Obviously not in the Maldives, but following a football match a few years ago. Lucien Favre is in the blue shirt, next to me)

My romantic comedy, JUST LIKE A MOVIE starts in a very similar way. Gemma, recently divorced, finds herself sitting next to a very famous pop star she’s had a crush on for ages on her flight to Ibiza, which is where she’s moving to to start over and move on with her life (as they always say in The Bold and The Beautiful, aka Top Models in Switzerland). It’s a fun read, bound to cheer you up, so if you haven’t already read it why not pick it up and read it over the holidays? Or gift it to a friend in need of cheering up! Find it