Bryan Thomas Schmidt's Blog, page 59
October 5, 2010
Living Inside Depression
It's been a hard decision whether or not to blog about this.
First, I wonder if anyone cares? Does anyone even read this blog? I rarely ever get comments. I am running a sale on my book for the first 15 who comment on my last entry, and after two days, I have 1 comment. Most of the other posts have no comments. So it's obviously not high traffic.
Second of all, writing about depression is depressing. Who wants to read that?
Third, this is my author blog. Most people who come here probably would rather hear about books, writing, etc, not this stuff. Although my whole life is wrapped up in this current state, still, it's personal. Do people want to know that much?
I finally decided I'll blog about it because writing is therapeutic for me. And because I have spent a good portion of my life doing everything I can to serve and help others, maybe a glimpse inside the mind of a depressed person will help someone else somehow.
We recently were forced to give up a home we had hoped to purchase and moved back to a town home. For 15 months, we lived in a house. I had not lived in a house since leaving my parents' home. Bianca had not lived in an apartment until she married me. The difference in housing types is night and day and we much prefer the house. Privacy, space, personalization -- the advantages are numerous, but ultimately, it just fits us better. Now, my part time music ministry job is going away as well, and the options out there are retail at 41 years old, a place I never wanted to return to and which, frankly, pays 1 third of what I have been making and what, up to may, we were used to living on. Because of the debt load we carry, in part due to medical expenses, in part due to living stupidly beyond our means, taking a retail job at such low pay will require me to work tons of hours to make up for the loss of the part time job income of $1200 a month. If I work more than 29 hours, I lose my welfare of $880. So instead of having $2080, I will be providing $1250 or so for us to live on. We cannot live on that. I am told I do not qualify for the Federal Unemployment extension because I have "marketable skills," although how you can label something as marketable which no one seems to want is beyond me.
Since being laid off from my lousy last employer in May I have applied for 500 some jobs (rough guess). I have done 1 in person interview and 3 phone interviews. I have worked hard on my resume, now in its 9th draft since May, consulting professional sites, advisors, etc. In fact, I imagine I have spent close to $800 trying to get employed which increased out debt, but the economy is awful, don't let the Obama lies fool you, and it's not getting any better. My Texas Workforce advisor says most people are taking over a year to find jobs. Every time I hear or think about that, I wonder how we will survive? We already are facing potential bankruptcy. I am ashamed of being such a failure. I am angry that I have spent 41 years and have no career path, making my job search harder. The fact that I dedicated much of those years to missions and nonprofit work doesn't seem to matter. I look like an unstable employee who floated around freelance and never held a job. That says nothing about my real dedication, effort and capabilities. It also sucks to not be able to do what you love.
My part time job was supposed to be that. Church music ministry. I have been writing and performing songs all my life. Finally to get paid to do it. And to lead people into relationship with God, which I love and is a real humbling honor and privilege. WOW! But instead, I found myself working for a man who micromanages to the finest detail, doesn't seem to trust anyone but himself, and, despite my 15 year track record, treated me like I just fell off a turnip truck. People with no experience and less qualified education are allowed to do things I've been doing for 15 years but am not allowed to do at that church. And despite the fact my worship team are amazing people, whom I adore, it has been a humiliating, hurtful experience with no opportunity for personal and professional growth. Attempts to discuss this with the boss were met with cold ears and a "my way or the highway attitude." Here's a man who preaches mercy, acknowledging sin, and apologies but has not practiced that toward my wife and I. Anything we do to offend him, an apology is demanded, yet in 16 months, I don't recall ever hearing one back. The wounds we carry for it are deep.
My full time job at the software vendor whose product I had worked so hard to promote and implement while consulting at a Fortune 500 company for four years, was one of the harder places to work. One moment they praised you as valuable and like family, the next your job was on the line. No warning. I never got regular feedback. I only heard from them when they had some major issue. I got very little training and yet was criticized for not doing things the way they wanted them. They put me into positions with which I had little or no experience and didn't do anything to help my succeed. I was on my own. Then, they laid me off at a time when they knew our struggles financially from a medical crisis my wife had last fall. They got mad when I told them all of this, demanding I be respectful. I was hired for technical writing. Everyone praised my work at that. It's where my gifts lie. Did they really expect they could throw me in unfamiliar territory with no support and I'd be a star? Wish I could, but it was hard. They have too few employees for the number of high demanding clients and it's stressful and you're expected to know everything. Since I don't like to lie and I won't damage my integrity by pretending to know what I don't, it's hard.
So here I am, feeling like a failure. Wondering why my life sucks so much. Why was I born? Why in the world am I supposed to have hope when everything gets worse and worse? I have not even mentioned some other issues, but, trust me, they are one disaster after another. Why is it that I am called overqualified and underqualified but can't seem to find myself qualified? How am I supposed to feel when I can't provide for my wife? When I can't seem to hold a job? Or when I get one I have passion for, why does it have to suck? When I can't get anyone interested in my "marketable skills?" Why am I doomed to jobs that are not my passion where I struggle with focus because of ADHD and lack of true passion and end up regarded as unsatisfactory or expendable because of it? Why was I cursed with ADHD? Why can't I do what I love?
I don't know the answer, and I don't expect you will either, but I can tell you that when I mentioned to my friend that I was lying here feeling like a worthless lump and he told me to get up and go outside, my response was: "If I go outside, I'm afraid I won't stop walking until I reach Interstate 10 two blocks away and throw myself in front of a car." Right now, I can't even find the motivation to do that much.
So, if you want to know how it feels inside depression? Here's your glimpse. Hope you don't think it's pretty. It's not. It's a deep, dark pit where the sun's rays can't penetrate and event he Almighty God himself doesn't have arms long enough to reach. Welcome to my world. For what it's worth...
First, I wonder if anyone cares? Does anyone even read this blog? I rarely ever get comments. I am running a sale on my book for the first 15 who comment on my last entry, and after two days, I have 1 comment. Most of the other posts have no comments. So it's obviously not high traffic.
Second of all, writing about depression is depressing. Who wants to read that?
Third, this is my author blog. Most people who come here probably would rather hear about books, writing, etc, not this stuff. Although my whole life is wrapped up in this current state, still, it's personal. Do people want to know that much?
I finally decided I'll blog about it because writing is therapeutic for me. And because I have spent a good portion of my life doing everything I can to serve and help others, maybe a glimpse inside the mind of a depressed person will help someone else somehow.
We recently were forced to give up a home we had hoped to purchase and moved back to a town home. For 15 months, we lived in a house. I had not lived in a house since leaving my parents' home. Bianca had not lived in an apartment until she married me. The difference in housing types is night and day and we much prefer the house. Privacy, space, personalization -- the advantages are numerous, but ultimately, it just fits us better. Now, my part time music ministry job is going away as well, and the options out there are retail at 41 years old, a place I never wanted to return to and which, frankly, pays 1 third of what I have been making and what, up to may, we were used to living on. Because of the debt load we carry, in part due to medical expenses, in part due to living stupidly beyond our means, taking a retail job at such low pay will require me to work tons of hours to make up for the loss of the part time job income of $1200 a month. If I work more than 29 hours, I lose my welfare of $880. So instead of having $2080, I will be providing $1250 or so for us to live on. We cannot live on that. I am told I do not qualify for the Federal Unemployment extension because I have "marketable skills," although how you can label something as marketable which no one seems to want is beyond me.
Since being laid off from my lousy last employer in May I have applied for 500 some jobs (rough guess). I have done 1 in person interview and 3 phone interviews. I have worked hard on my resume, now in its 9th draft since May, consulting professional sites, advisors, etc. In fact, I imagine I have spent close to $800 trying to get employed which increased out debt, but the economy is awful, don't let the Obama lies fool you, and it's not getting any better. My Texas Workforce advisor says most people are taking over a year to find jobs. Every time I hear or think about that, I wonder how we will survive? We already are facing potential bankruptcy. I am ashamed of being such a failure. I am angry that I have spent 41 years and have no career path, making my job search harder. The fact that I dedicated much of those years to missions and nonprofit work doesn't seem to matter. I look like an unstable employee who floated around freelance and never held a job. That says nothing about my real dedication, effort and capabilities. It also sucks to not be able to do what you love.
My part time job was supposed to be that. Church music ministry. I have been writing and performing songs all my life. Finally to get paid to do it. And to lead people into relationship with God, which I love and is a real humbling honor and privilege. WOW! But instead, I found myself working for a man who micromanages to the finest detail, doesn't seem to trust anyone but himself, and, despite my 15 year track record, treated me like I just fell off a turnip truck. People with no experience and less qualified education are allowed to do things I've been doing for 15 years but am not allowed to do at that church. And despite the fact my worship team are amazing people, whom I adore, it has been a humiliating, hurtful experience with no opportunity for personal and professional growth. Attempts to discuss this with the boss were met with cold ears and a "my way or the highway attitude." Here's a man who preaches mercy, acknowledging sin, and apologies but has not practiced that toward my wife and I. Anything we do to offend him, an apology is demanded, yet in 16 months, I don't recall ever hearing one back. The wounds we carry for it are deep.
My full time job at the software vendor whose product I had worked so hard to promote and implement while consulting at a Fortune 500 company for four years, was one of the harder places to work. One moment they praised you as valuable and like family, the next your job was on the line. No warning. I never got regular feedback. I only heard from them when they had some major issue. I got very little training and yet was criticized for not doing things the way they wanted them. They put me into positions with which I had little or no experience and didn't do anything to help my succeed. I was on my own. Then, they laid me off at a time when they knew our struggles financially from a medical crisis my wife had last fall. They got mad when I told them all of this, demanding I be respectful. I was hired for technical writing. Everyone praised my work at that. It's where my gifts lie. Did they really expect they could throw me in unfamiliar territory with no support and I'd be a star? Wish I could, but it was hard. They have too few employees for the number of high demanding clients and it's stressful and you're expected to know everything. Since I don't like to lie and I won't damage my integrity by pretending to know what I don't, it's hard.
So here I am, feeling like a failure. Wondering why my life sucks so much. Why was I born? Why in the world am I supposed to have hope when everything gets worse and worse? I have not even mentioned some other issues, but, trust me, they are one disaster after another. Why is it that I am called overqualified and underqualified but can't seem to find myself qualified? How am I supposed to feel when I can't provide for my wife? When I can't seem to hold a job? Or when I get one I have passion for, why does it have to suck? When I can't get anyone interested in my "marketable skills?" Why am I doomed to jobs that are not my passion where I struggle with focus because of ADHD and lack of true passion and end up regarded as unsatisfactory or expendable because of it? Why was I cursed with ADHD? Why can't I do what I love?
I don't know the answer, and I don't expect you will either, but I can tell you that when I mentioned to my friend that I was lying here feeling like a worthless lump and he told me to get up and go outside, my response was: "If I go outside, I'm afraid I won't stop walking until I reach Interstate 10 two blocks away and throw myself in front of a car." Right now, I can't even find the motivation to do that much.
So, if you want to know how it feels inside depression? Here's your glimpse. Hope you don't think it's pretty. It's not. It's a deep, dark pit where the sun's rays can't penetrate and event he Almighty God himself doesn't have arms long enough to reach. Welcome to my world. For what it's worth...
October 3, 2010
FIrst Book Signing
Attended my first book sale/signing this weekend at the La Viña Winery Harvest Festival. We were situated right next to the very loud music stage in the El Paso Writer's League booth. The booth was nice and it was loaded with books by our members. I sold 3 Saturday and 2 Sunday, but that was just my own. I sold several books by other authors as well. I am not and never will be real pushy. My theory is: I want people to get the right book for them. No sense having them mad at me for talking them into the wrong book plus badmouthing the book to their friends. Better for everyone if they say: "I got it from El Paso Writer's League. The guy was really nice and the book was good." Good for me, good for EPWL, and good for the author.Being the only SF book was a bit tough, but those to whom it sold seemed really enthusiastic about it. I had hoped that my bargain price would make the book sell a little better, but it didn't sell much when I wasn't there. So I am assuming it's either my charisma or the lack of others' knowledge of the book which made the difference.
It was a fun experience. Fun to chat with the customers, other authors, browsers, and just to hang out in the clean air. We had the world's longest corndog, samples some wines, and even had a funnel cake. Two weekends in a row. You can't beat that!
In any case, I hope to do more of these and start selling my book. I really need to get the income and make back my investment, plus, I'm proud of the stories. I think they're enjoyable and a good tease of my writing, even if they're shorter and simpler than most of what I do.
One weird thing about book signings is that sometimes people ask you to write things like "to my best friend" or "with all my love." I wasn't asked to do that this time, thankfully, because I won't do it. To write anything untruthful just isn't me. But I did have a guy who wanted me to include "outlandish" in whatever I wrote. So to him I wrote: "May this book inspire you to dream outlandish dreams and reach for the stars." Pretty good improve, if you ask me, but then, I am a writer, so I'm supposed to have a way with words.
I'm going to offer a special deal. The first 15 people to comment on this blog this week will get the discounted price from LaViña of $5 per book. That's $7.49 retail, so you ave $2.49. You'll either have to pay shipping or arrange to pick up your copy, but hey, everyone who's read it has liked it, and you will too.
Okay, let's start those comments...
September 27, 2010
Science Fiction Oddball
Sometimes I feel like a science fiction oddball. The stories I like most and like to write are good old fashioned space opera, like Star Wars or Star Trek, and sword & sorcery like Legend Of the Seeker, Lord Of The Rings, etc. I don't like slipstream. I don't like stories which have no discernible speculative element. I don't like preachy stories pushing a political agenda. And I don't like stories with overwhelming amounts of science or magic which feel like textbooks. Tell me a story with good plot full of action and riveting, well developed characters.
Partly this is because I am a child of the media generation which are not the most die hard science fiction fans these days. I did not grow up on the old school science fiction stuff. I read some of it (Fahrenheit 451, Brave New World, Jules Verne, HG Wells, Lord Of The Rings, Lord Valentine's Castle, the Narnia Books, and more). I grew up on Star Wars and Star Trek tie-ins and the movies and tv shows. Those were what I got my biggest science fiction fix from. And certainly I have enjoyed going back and discovering much old science fiction stuff along with the new, both of which I continue to do. But I still want those lovable characters with action as they fight bad guys, save the girl, and save the world.
I don't write hard science fiction. What would be the point? Biology was the only class I flunked in college. I never took Chemistry. The only science class I did well in was Astronomy, in which I got an A minus. And I skip the long boring sections in Tom Clancy books where he spends half a chapter describing a gun or vehicle. Who cares? Tell me a story. So those kinds of things just don't impress me. In large part, that's because they don't make me feel anything. Characters do.
As I prepare to get my novel deal finalized and figure out a marketing plan, I am hoping there are lots of others like me, because that's what I wrote, and I fear that may make it less appealing to the standard science fiction crowd. The fans who attend ComicCon and DragonCon would love it though, and I hope to reach out to them. Not sure how yet, but that's the goal. Every reader who's read it so far has raved about the book, including two fellow writers and two professional editors. Two small presses are bidding on it. I believe it's good and people will like it. But they have to read it first.
Here's hoping this is one case where being an oddball doesn't leave me standing on the sidelines at the big game.
For what it' worth...
Partly this is because I am a child of the media generation which are not the most die hard science fiction fans these days. I did not grow up on the old school science fiction stuff. I read some of it (Fahrenheit 451, Brave New World, Jules Verne, HG Wells, Lord Of The Rings, Lord Valentine's Castle, the Narnia Books, and more). I grew up on Star Wars and Star Trek tie-ins and the movies and tv shows. Those were what I got my biggest science fiction fix from. And certainly I have enjoyed going back and discovering much old science fiction stuff along with the new, both of which I continue to do. But I still want those lovable characters with action as they fight bad guys, save the girl, and save the world.
I don't write hard science fiction. What would be the point? Biology was the only class I flunked in college. I never took Chemistry. The only science class I did well in was Astronomy, in which I got an A minus. And I skip the long boring sections in Tom Clancy books where he spends half a chapter describing a gun or vehicle. Who cares? Tell me a story. So those kinds of things just don't impress me. In large part, that's because they don't make me feel anything. Characters do.
As I prepare to get my novel deal finalized and figure out a marketing plan, I am hoping there are lots of others like me, because that's what I wrote, and I fear that may make it less appealing to the standard science fiction crowd. The fans who attend ComicCon and DragonCon would love it though, and I hope to reach out to them. Not sure how yet, but that's the goal. Every reader who's read it so far has raved about the book, including two fellow writers and two professional editors. Two small presses are bidding on it. I believe it's good and people will like it. But they have to read it first.
Here's hoping this is one case where being an oddball doesn't leave me standing on the sidelines at the big game.
For what it' worth...
September 24, 2010
Friday Photo Prompt
No details but I will hint that if "borders" come to mind, you're on the right track. Or should I say "write" track?
Life or something like it's got a hold on me
I am so behind on so many things. I even got behind on applying or jobs, although that had to, by necessity, go back to the top of the list and I am currently caught up. Needless to say, I am behind on blogging as well. I do have some things I want to blog about, including more author tips, but for now, I am just dropping in to say don't give up on me.
I'm still awaiting offers for the "Worker Prince" space opera trio. One of the publishers is done and putting together the offer. The othe...
I'm still awaiting offers for the "Worker Prince" space opera trio. One of the publishers is done and putting together the offer. The othe...
September 14, 2010
What's customer service Facebook?
My wife's account is blocked until she proves who she is. Facebook wants her to text from her cell phone, only texting is turned off on her phone. She never uses it and with me unemployed, we had to cut expenses. So here we are. We try and click the alternate method button but can't get anything but text.
This is just another example of big companies having no couth about customer service. If I ran my business the way Facebook does, I'd be out of business. When you inconvenience your cust...
This is just another example of big companies having no couth about customer service. If I ran my business the way Facebook does, I'd be out of business. When you inconvenience your cust...
Tuesday Photo Prompt
Hope this inspires some stories.[image error]
September 10, 2010
NOVEL EXCERPT: Prologue from The Worker Prince
This is the first chapter of my forthcoming science fiction novel The Worker Prince. It's a space opera in the vein of Star Wars and Star Trek. If you enjoy it, please spread the word.
Prologue
Sol climbed to the top of the rise and stared up at the twin suns as they climbed into the sky. The horizon glowed red as yellow and orange layers faded under the increasing blue of oncoming daylight.
For as long as he could remember, he'd come here every morning, an escape from the heavy, polluted...
Prologue
Sol climbed to the top of the rise and stared up at the twin suns as they climbed into the sky. The horizon glowed red as yellow and orange layers faded under the increasing blue of oncoming daylight.
For as long as he could remember, he'd come here every morning, an escape from the heavy, polluted...
Friday Photo Prompt
My friend Jay Lake posts photos throughout the week. They're inspiring and fantastic and artistic. It inspired me to think about how photos can be writing prompts. So as part of my efforts to make this blog more useful and helpful for fellow writers, in between blogging about daily life, adventures, opinions, etc., I'm starting this new feature. Photos to inspire your writing. Use it or don't as you will. There will be others.
Photos © 2010 Bryan Thomas Schmidt. All Rights Reserved.
AUTHOR'S TIP: Playing The Waiting Game
I think one of the hardest parts of being a writer is the waiting. You wait to hear back on submissions, wait to hear back from beta readers, wait for checks to arrive, wait for books to arrive, etc. And if you're anything like me, waiting is probably not your forté. So what do you do to get through it?
Here's a few suggestions:
1) Keep multiple projects going. Once you send out the latest manuscript to your betas or a slush pile, get to work on the next one. Okay, you can allow yourselves...
Here's a few suggestions:
1) Keep multiple projects going. Once you send out the latest manuscript to your betas or a slush pile, get to work on the next one. Okay, you can allow yourselves...
