Sissy Goff's Blog

Technology Tuesday: Carpool Lines and Podcasts

Just this week I had a mom report she was about to begin her “Back to School Course” - she reported the course involved listening to our podcast every morning on the drive home from drop off. She’s planning to listen to “a milestone every morning.”  She went on to say that she needed the refresher just as much as her kids need refreshers. I loved this report and couldn’t agree more that we all need refreshers from time to time.

Are My Kids on Track highlights the 12 emotional, social and spiritual milestones we believe all kids need to reach…and are doing to a lesser degree than ever before. Back to school seems like a great time for a refresher…for us and the kids we love. We’ll be posting some of those reminders in the next few weeks at Raising Boys and Girls on Instagram—and you can always go to wherever you listen to podcasts and download Season One of our Raising Boys and Girls podcast! 

Hopetown Highlight #7: 7th-8th Grade

“You have forgotten who you are.”

It was one of the most pivotal moments in The Lion King, when Rafiki took Simba to the water to see his and his father’s reflection. And it’s a moment we went back to over and over with the 7th and 8th graders this week.

In 7th and 8th grade, it is next to impossible to remember who you are—you’re still just trying to figure it out. And, in the midst of trying to figure it out, it’s easy to become a whole lot like Simba.

You remember the story. Simba is playing around and gets himself in trouble with a stampede of wildebeasts. When his father comes to his rescue, Mufasa ends up getting killed by his own brother, Scar. Scar, however, manipulates Simba into believing it’s all his fault. And then, when Simba turns to his uncle for help on what to do next, Scar’s response is, “Run. Run far away and never come back.”

So, in the midst of Simba’s running, he does, in fact, forget who he is—or make every effort to Hakuna Matata himself out of it. Sounds a lot like 7th and 8th grade, doesn’t it?

We jumped right into the story and didn’t just talk about it, but experienced it all week long. We started with Scar’s message…and how easy it is to hear the same kind of messages in our own lives. In fact, we chose five characters in the Bible who did their own form of running. (We inserted a little emotion with all of five, helping connect them to 7th and 8th grader…you get the point).

We called them “runners.” Jonah ran from God’s call on his life and his mission to go to the people of Nineveh. In his refusal, Jonah was defiant, stubborn, sulky and angry. And his consequence was that he hurt others and was swallowed up in the whale.

The Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32) was another runner, but only after he requested his share of the inheritance. We can guess that he was demanding, entitled and spoiled. His consequence was that he found himself lonely, starving, and isolated in the pig pen.

Moses was another famous runner from the Bible. He was reactive, aggressive and judgmental. (See Exodus 2:11-22). His consequence was living in fear and hiding.

Elijah ran, too, from Jezebel, who was trying to take his life. He sat down under a tree and fell asleep. We can just imagine that he was a bit dramatic, mopey, and a martyr. His consequence was that he found himself in a downward spiral, discouraged and depressed.

Finally, John Mark ran from his mission with Paul and Barnabas. The mission got hard and, we don’t know a lot, but we know he stopped. The other two had conflict because he removed himself. We could say that he was irresponsible, selfish and a quitter. And his consequence was the he missed out, caused division among his friend and was left in turmoil.

We all run. We feel guilty…or afraid…or a whole host of emotions that keep us from stepping into who God has created us to be. And so, we run…like these famous Biblical runners and like Simba.

And then Rafiki hits us on the head to lure us to the water. “I know your father,” he said to Simba. He’s alive. Come on. Follow me.” Rafiki leads Simba to the water, where he sees his reflection transform into the reflection of Mufasa, his father.

Mufasa says to Simba, “You have forgotten who you are, and so forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba? You are more than what you have become. Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true king.” 

Simba’s story turns at that point and becomes one of redemption, as do ours. We went back to the redeemed runners of the Bible to remind us, too. 

Jonah 3:3 (MSG) says, “This time, Jonah started off straight for Ninevah, obeying God’s orders to the letter.”

Luke 15:24 says about the Prodigal Son, “For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found. So they began to celebrate.”

God says to Moses in Exodus 3:9-10 (MSG), “It’s time for you to go back: I’m sending you to the Pharaoh to bring my people, the people of Israel, out of Egypt.”

In 1 Kings 19 and 2 Kings 2, Elijah found Elisha, his mission companion and later, God took Elijah to heaven.

2 Timothy 4:11 says, “Get Mark and bring him with you, because he is helpful to me in my ministry.”

And, in regard to the Hopetown campers and in reference to Proverbs 28:1, “They went home relaxed, confident, and bold as lions.”

We look down into the water and see who we are so that we are able to look up and see the glory of God in and through us. And it sure helps to look out to friends who offer encouragement, as any 7th and 8th grader knows.

And so our 7th and 8th graders had the chance to encourage each other. One by one, they sat in front of the room. They each said I’m ____ like ______. Would you help me remember who I am?” “I’m entitled like the Prodigal Son” or “I’m aggressive like Moses”, for example. Each one of them came forward and were honest. And then each of them received from the group a vision of who God truly has made them to be.

This week, Melissa reminded us to look down, to look out, and ultimately, to look up. Isaiah 40:26 says, “Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.”

On one of our last nights, we all went outside to look at a meteor shower that just happened to be taking place this week. We talked with each other and sang worship skies under the glorious Kentucky sky. And we were reminded. We remembered who we are and we remembered whose we are. Our Father is alive. He is the One true King. And he brought a brave, honest, compassionate group of 7th-8th graders together for our last camp of the summer to stop running, take each other to the water and remember.

Hopetown Highlight #6: 5th & 6th Grade

But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. Psalm 3:3

The first night of 5th-6th grade camp Melissa talked about the week before. She told them how one night, at 2nd-4th grade camp, there was a little boy who stood up in front of the group. Our theme for the week had to do with animals, and all of the kids were introducing their stuffed animals to the group. This little boy, however, did so with his hat pulled way down over his eyes.

I looked at him and said softly, “Take off your cap. We want to see your eyes.” 

“I can’t,” he responded. “I get afraid. I have stage fright.”

“It’s okay,” I told him. “We’ve all felt that way before, but it’s safe here.”

Those words and that image set the tone for our 5th-6th grade camp. God is the lifter of our heads…and of our caps. We all hide, at times. In keeping with the theme of hiding, we watched The Jungle Book on the first night of camp. The animals had a safe place, too, in the movie. It was called The Peace Rock. It was a place they could all go and drink water and lift their heads together. In one scene of the movie, however, the tiger, Shere Khan, found them. He not only showed up at their safe place, but he spoke words that poked holes into the safety they felt, bringing those animals both fear and shame. The same thing can happen in our safe places. In those times, we feel afraid.

You remember 5th-6th grade. It’s so easy to feel afraid…of what others might think, that you might embarrass yourself, feel left out, that something hard might happen in your family or at school. But, as Melissa said, the opposite of fear is trust. And our trust is in the true Lifter of our head. He is the Rock of our Salvation. Some day, there will be no more tiger trying to poke holes into our safe places. Some day, we will no longer have to be afraid. Until that day, we want to encourage each other. And that’s exactly what these 5th-6th graders did over the course of their time together.

We moved from the Jungle Book and the little boy in the hat to talking about Life-Giving friends. Each night, the kids had an opportunity to give beads to each other, representing qualities of a Life-Giving Friend. Those qualities included:

Encouragement, Hebrews 10:24

Endurance, Galatians 6:9

Alertness, Mark 14:38

Compassion, 1 John 3:17

Determination, 2 Timothy 4:7-8

Enthusiasm, 1 Thessalonians 5:17-19

Courage, Deuteronomy 31:6

Gratefulness, 1 Corinthians 4:9

The next morning, we went on to talk about another animal you are most likely familiar with, Balaam’s donkey. Numbers 22 tells the story of Balaam, who didn’t want to go the way God had directed him. God sent an angel to stand in Balaam’s path. On three different occasions, the angel blocked Balaam’s path. And his wise donkey either turned aside into a ditch or eventually just laid down. Each time, Balaam beat his donkey in response, not being able to see the angel himself. Finally, the donkey had enough and said, “What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?”.

We talked about how the most natural thing in the world, when we find ourselves in our own version of a ditch is to get angry, much like Balaam. We blame someone else, rather than learning what it means to trust. In fact, Balaam’s donkey is often referred to as “the Trusty Donkey.” God wants our attention—he’ll steer us into ditches to get it, if He has to. However, He doesn’t want our attention to punish us, but to protect us. What do you think God is trying to tell you today? What does God want you to know?

James 3:5 says “Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.” Mowgli in the Jungle Book set off a great fire with a small spark while trying to hide. He did not want to trust. He wanted to hide…to blame others. And when we do, we cease to be a life-giving or trusty friend. Instead, as Proverbs 18:21 in The Message says, “Words kill, Words give life: They’re either poison or fruit—you choose.” Our words can bring give life or death to others. And when we’re hiding or blaming, our words most often become poisonous.

We talked about the contrast between being a life-giving friend or the poisonous way, and how easy it is to experience certain types of that poison in 5th and 6th grade. For example,

Encouragement can turn into “I don’t wanna stand out.”

Endurance can turn into “It got too hard.”

Alertness can become “I wasn’t paying attention.”

Compassion can turn into “I don’t feel good either,” “I don’t wanna bother,” or “I’m too cool.”

Determination can become “I can’t do it.”

Enthusiasm can turn into “I’m too tired/bord/hot/hungry/sick” aka whining.

Gratefulness can turn into “I want,” “They have,” They’re MY best friend.”

Courage can turn into “I’m too scared to step up.”

Again, as grown-ups we remember what it was like. But where we ended the week with this group of kids is what Melissa said is truly the beginning of change. It’s how we stop hiding. It’s how we learn to listen to the donkeys and the trustworthy messages and messengers God puts in our paths, including life-giving friends.

“So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud ‘No!’ to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet, ‘yes!’ to God and he’ll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom and cry your eyes out. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet.” James 4:7-10, MSG

And that’s where we ended. Not sure what our neighbors thought as kids shouted loud “NO’s” and whispered quiet “yes’s” all along the lakeside. But we though it looked a whole lot like trust—and courage—and hope for these 5th and 6th graders.

Hopetown Highlight #5: 2nd-4th Grade

“But ask the animals what they think—let them teach you; let the birds tell you what’s going on. Put your ear to the earth—learn the basics. Listen—the fish in the ocean will tell you their stories. Isn’t it clear that they all know and agree that God is sovereign, that he holds all things in his hand…” Job 12:7-10

We listened to and talked about the animals a lot this week, which happened to be our 2nd-4th grade retreat at Hopetown. In fact, the animals reminded us not only of truth, but of who we are and, most importantly, of hope. And we believe the animals have something to teach the little people in your life, as well. 

We started talking about the animals at Hopetown—and how we have seen so many this summer, from racoons to beavers to eagles to deer. And every one of those animals God uses to teach us something. And every one of those animals has an attribute that we can all strive to be more likely. They include:

The Eagle, who is Strong. See Isaiah 40:31

The Deer, who is Brave. See Habakkuk 3:19

The Ant, who is Helpful. See Proverbs 6:6-8

The Sparrow, who is Joyful. See Matthew 6:25-26

The Dog, who is Loyal and Friendly. See Numbers 14:24

The Owl, who is Loving. See Isaiah 34:15

The Dove, who is Peaceful and Gentle. See Matthew 10:16

The Calf, who is Playful. See Malachi 4:2

Every evening during camp, the kids had an opportunity to talk about what they had seen in each other that day. And then, when they had seen another camper who showed the attributes of one of these animals, they gave them a bead to represent that animal. And so each child went home with a bracelet full of beads representing the bravery and strength and gentleness they showed to others over the course of the week.

Hopetown Highlight #4: 9th and 10th Grade Camp

The heart is considered the seat of personality. It’s what makes us unique and impacts what we think, feel, and do. And it’s what we spent our 9th-10th Grade Retreat talking a lot about.

Yes, we skied and tubed and swam. We biked 14 miles through farmland to a yummy restaurant for lunch. We cooked Thanksgiving dinner together and exchanged $3 Christmas gifts bought from an antique store to represent someone else. We did all the fun things that usually happen at Hopetown. But, more than all of that, the 34 9th-10th graders who were at Hopetown this past week bravely and vulnerably shared their hearts. 

We started the week off with another brave young man, whose journey we joined when he was a child learning to play football. We watched the movie, My All American, on the back of the barn the first night. It’s the true story of a valiant, kind-hearted football player named Freddie Steinmark, whose story has inspired countless lives over the years. It’s one we would recommend you watch with your high school kids, too. 

The next morning, Melissa dove right in. “We start to believe that if we try hard enough, we’ll get rewarded. If it doesn’t work that way, we become demanding. We often stay in places and do things where we’re in control. When things get out of control, we blame others. Or we blame ourselves. In either case, we start to try to cover up. This week, instead, we want you to start right where you are. To really begin to grow up means that you learn to see things a little differently. You can still feel angry and hurt, but you’re not entitled to things working out a certain way. Freddie’s journey was one of growing up.

Freddie was too short to play football. He knew that, but he didn’t let it stop him. We all believe we’re too ___ for _____. You can fill in the blank. For Freddie, what he didn’t have (like height) was not the strongest part of him. What was the strongest, for Freddie, was his desire to play football, and his faith. It’s who Freddie was. What about you? Who do you feel like you are? When we cover up, try to hide our inadequacies, blame others or even ourselves, we lose a sense of who we are. In fact, very few of us even know that we don’t know who we are, because we’re so used to covering up. 

Psalm 131:1-3 in The Message says, “God, I’m not trying to rule the roost, I don’t want to be king of the mountain. I haven’t meddled where I have no business or fantasized grandiose plans. I’ve kept my feet on the ground, I’ve cultivated a quiet heart. Like a baby content in its mother’s arms, my soul is a baby content. Wait, Israel, for God. Wait with hope. Hope now; hope always!”

“In high school these days, your lives are anything but quiet. Technology alone—in addition to the voices of the kids around you, the anxious voice in your own head, the pressures, your fear of not measuring up…so many different things can make it hard for your heart to quiet down and to discover who you are. We want this week to be different. We want you to start with an honest look at who you are.”

And so, they did. In fact, they used this Psalm to write their own version. God, I’m not trying to…or I am trying to…and so on from there. Finally, just like the Psalmist, we moved toward hope.

As the week went on, we took an even deeper look at our hearts. In fact, we broke those hearts into eleven categories:

A lazy heart

A resentful heart

A selfish heart

A controlling heart

A deceitful heart

A critical heart

An angry heart

A victim heart

A stingy heart

A sarcastic heart

We all lean one way or another when we cover up. The kids divided up into small groups based on the direction their hearts lean. They answered the following questions:

What made you choose this group?

At what point did you choose that heart? Why

What were you hoping it would give you?

Does it work? How so or how not?

How does it impact other people?

Who gets the brunt of it?

Do you want to change? What could be the first step?

These hearts…our hearts…our attempts to cover up, represent what we do, not who we are. Our awareness is important. And these kids moved into a place of much deeper awareness as we talked about the hearts each of us lean toward and how we got there. But, as we know, awareness doesn’t bring change. Ezekiel 36:26 says “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” We can’t remove a heart of stone by ourselves. But God can. 

And so we took those stone hearts—those lazy, critical, controlling, sarcastic, angry, victim, stingy, argumentative, resentful, selfish hearts in the form of literal stones and tossed them into the depths of Kentucky Lake. 

Our verse in Philippians 4 goes on to summarize the very thing that summarized our week together. “Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized.”

These 9th-10th graders finished our time by putting so many of these things into practice. They shared truth; they were authentic; they threw their stone hearts into the depths of the lake. And then we had the privilege of reminding each one of all of the good that we believe God has placed inside of that new heart and new spirit of theirs. We finished the week filling our minds with those kinds of things. And ended it grateful for all that we heard and saw and realized, thanks to a God who delights in all of our new hearts.

Hopetown Highlight #3: All Boys' Retreat

"You are a treasure."

This is a statement that boys and men of all ages often struggle to believe. It’s also the statement that set the stage for our All Boys Retreat this year. We started the week by watching "National Treasure", a movie about an American historian racing to find a treasure hidden by the founding fathers before a rival with less honorable motives finds it.  At first glance, the film was simply a fun way to illustrate themes of courage, perseverance and friendship, but it functioned much more as a way to help these boys (ranging from grades 5 to 10) get on the same page to explore a greater concept of the riches of God's treasure as opposed to the treasures of this world. 

Melissa began the week's teaching with a simple sentence that serves as an important reminder: "You have been set wholly apart by God. You are a cherished treasure." These boys are at a stage of life where everything can feel like a competition and being chosen last for a team can feel like the end of the world. Many of these boys, coming from broken families and/or broken friendships, feel abandoned and like they may never be chosen. And so this reminder of their chosenness...of their treasuredness truly can shore up a foundation that otherwise feels pretty shaky. Deuteronomy 7:6 states: “Do this because you are a people set apart as holy to God, your God. God, your God, chose you out of all the people on Earth for himself as a cherished personal treasure." “God didn't choose you because you're smart, athletic, funny or even because you're good. God chose you because he loves you,“ Melissa reminded the boys often over the course of the week.

Later in the week the boys, were given an opportunity to go into the small town of Hazel, Kentucky and do a modified version of one of our favorite Hopetown activities: Christmas. Typically, they are given three dollars to search through the antique stores for a gift for another camper. In this version, however, rather than choosing an object to illustrate what they saw in one of their friends, the boys were tasked with choosing an object that represented themselves and their personal story. Later that night the boys presented these objects and explained why they had chosen them. Items ranged from hammers to canes to vintage basketball cards representing the ways they tried to fix their families, help carry their friends or even things as simple and important as their love of sports that had gotten them through their struggles. Melissa then spoke about how each of the gifts represents the treasure we all hold within us. And that even though we are full of treasure, we often try to cover it up with things such as having a temper, irritability, manipulation, grasping for control, selfishness and apathy. Melissa told the boys that "Covering up treasure doesn't take it away or mean it's not there anymore. It simply hides it. Eventually, all of the hiding just leads to fear that you can’t keep up the control on your own." Without God, we would leave all of our gifts buried so deeply that we wouldn't be able to shine in the way God designed. Melissa finished this teaching with the reminder that "You are so valuable because the cost of you is the love of Jesus." When you are able to name and recognize the things you are using to cover up your treasure and bring them to God, he can help you uncover that treasure we all try so hard to bury. 

Our treasure discussion then led us to Numbers 13, which speaks of the 12 spies Moses sent to scout out Canaan before the Israelites arrived. Upon returning to Moses, the spies spoke of how the land was filled with milk and honey, but the cities were well-fortified and guarded by giants. When Moses asked the spies to return to the cities, all but two of the spies refused, afraid of the giants and the strength of the cities. They were afraid they didn't have the strength to stand against them. Caleb and Joshua were the only two who did not share this fear saying instead "We can certainly do it." Melissa used this passage as a reminder that we all face giants in our lives-whether they be anxiety, divorce, bullying, or simply making friends. These giants are inevitable and how we face them illustrates the measure of the man we can be. Melissa emphasized the importance of the words "We can certainly do it.” Not "I can do it", but WE. We as humans cannot face our giants alone. We need friends and we need God. The true measure of a man is not being able to carry his burdens alone in silence, but being willing to say "God help me”. God longs for us to ask him to help shoulder the burden, whether it be the burden of making friends or the loss of a parent. God is always there ready and more than willing to help carry that weight. 

It is worth mentioning, that alongside the burdens and the treasure talks, we had a lot of fun. We played on the lake, had a treasure hunt of our own, and even did a Hopetown version of an escape game. With all of the fun, the lasting impact on the boys, however, had much more to do with Melissa’s word on the journey these boys are taking to becoming men.

The week's teaching concluded with a time for the boys speak about what they saw in each other throughout the week. They were encouraged to choose one of four words to describe each other, including SPIRIT, BELIEVE, STRENGTH and COURAGE. These words were drawn from four different men in passages of the Bible who exemplified traits that Melissa considered important in these boys journey to becoming men.

SPIRIT: Caleb - Numbers 14:24

BELIEVE: Jeremiah - Jeremiah 1:7-8

STRENGTH: Gideon - Joshua 6:12

COURAGE: Joshua - Joshua 1:9

This final activity offered an opportunity for the boys to do one of the most important things in our journey of becoming men--having the courage and vulnerability to speak truth and encouragement into a friend's life and call them to a higher place. This week these boys moved further along the journey towards becoming courageous men of God...now imparted with the wisdom that none of us can do it alone, that we will need to rely on both our friends and our Lord if we are to be able to face the giants of being a man. It was an honor to have begun this walk alongside them and to observe the transformation happening in their courageous hearts.

Hopetown Highlight #2: All Girls' Retreat

“Play with Joy…”

Our All Girls’ Retreat started, as do so many of our retreats, with a movie on the back of the barn. This week, we watched The Miracle Season, the true story about Caroline Found, who inspired her high school to win the state volleyball tournament after a tragic moped accident took her life her senior year. The story chronicles the grief and the courage her teammates find as they work through the loss of their captain and friend. It is a story of hope and strength on the part of these high school girls…and exactly what we thought our high school girls needed to begin the journey of our week together.

The movie talked a lot about playing with joy. Playing with joy, however, sounded like the opposite of what Caroline’s teammates wanted after her death. Instead, they wanted to forfeit—which is what they did in the beginning of that season. But they slowly entered back in, not just to volleyball, but to a sense of both purpose and joy…we’ll let you watch the movie for more on that.

Melissa talked about how the movie could never have started with that statement, “play with joy”. Everything inside of those girls wanted to forfeit in the beginning—much like we all do. When we have felt rejected or hurt, when we’ve lost someone we care about or been through our own tragedy, we often want to just give up. But the coach helped these girls (and herself) move toward joy, and they moved toward joy through a path that we found ourselves talking about all week long.

In fact, each of the girls at camp, throughout the week, talked about how their lives have been similar to this journey. They talked about 1)Where they are in these steps, 2)Where they want to be, and 3)How they see where they are affecting their relationships. 

1. Show Up

Show up is the first step away from forfeiting. When we show up, we don’t have to have the answers. In fact, we don’t have to do anything. We just come. As 1 John 4:19 reflects to us, Jesus loved us first. We get to receive that love. Showing up is when we don’t necessarily know how to feel or even how to talk about what we’re feeling. We just show up. We can do so because He is so much bigger than we are and loves us right where we are. We just can show up and receive that love.

2. Cover Up

Genesis 3:7 is the beginning of the idea of covering up. Adam and Eve ran and hid, once they became aware of their nakedness. We cover up, too, in our own ways. We hide. Girls, in particular, have been brought up to cover up. We learn how to dress, wear make-up, and even pose for photos in certain ways that cover up what we believe are our weaknesses. We also cover up pain and insecurity. Many of us spend so much time covering up, that the covered up version becomes who we believe we are. 

3. Cheer Up

In the beginning of the movie, the girls decided they wanted to “Win for Line” (Caroline). They had purpose. They were pushing themselves toward better versions of themselves. They were trying to cheer themselves up by pushing past their sadness. We do the same…often on a daily basis. We go with Romans 12:8 that says, “Keep a smile on your face,” sometimes missing the next verse that includes “Love from the center of who you are.” We move who we are to a version of ourselves that is smiley and cheery, no matter what we’re feeling at our center. We cheer up and often end up with relationships that are shallow. We become shallow eventually, too, and struggle with what it means to be or have connections that are real.

4. Open Up

Cheering up didn’t work for the girls very long in the movie—and it often doesn’t for us, either. We can’t keep up the façade. The pressure becomes too much. Life doesn’t make sense. Nothing works the way we want it to. We don’t work the way we want to. The girls were feeling so much pressure to “Win for Line” that they stopped enjoying the game. They started falling apart. We do much of the same. Finally, hopefully, we start to talk. We allow ourselves to be vulnerable and share our feelings. We realize it’s okay to be afraid. Our relationships become deeper. We start to learn more about how to talk and connect. But then, we end up not knowing quite how or when to stop. The people closest don’t necessarily want us to talk about our feelings all of the time and we also have to learn to keep moving in the midst of those feelings. And so it’s time to…

5. Grow Up

When babies get hungry, they open their mouths for food. They want, and then they want more. We’re the same. When we’re loved, we want more. We’re hungry for connection and closeness. We’re hungry to be heard and understood. And no one will be able to fill that hunger except for our Father’s love. Romans 11:33-34 says “Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It’s way over our heads. We’ll never figure it out. Is there anyone around who can explain God? Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do? Anyone who has done him such a huge favor that God has to ask his advice? Everything comes from him; Everything happens through him: Everything ends up in him. Always glory! Always praise! Yes. Yes. Yes.” Growing up is humbling. We’re hungry people. And growing up is the beginning of realizing that there truly is only one who not only understands but can fill our hunger completely with his extravagant generosity. 

6. Clean Up

When you think of a baby eating, what’s the first thing you think of? By the time a baby is finished eating, they have food all over themselves, from head to toe! We get desperate in our hunger and make messes. We’ve got food all over us. We’re trying so hard. God is not only the one who loves and helps us to grow up. He’s also the one that cleans the mess off of our face and hands and hearts, through his Son, Jesus (1 John 1:9). 

7. Wake Up

Romans 13:11 says, “But make sure that you don’t get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God” (needing to clean up!). “The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing! God is putting the finishing touches on the salvation work he began when we first believed…Get out of bed and get dressed!” WAKE UP! Play with joy. 

In the movie, the coach was one of the most transformational characters. She did not want to deal with her own feelings as a result of Caroline’s death. She pushed and pushed and, inadvertently pushed the girls, too, as a result. But, when she turned, the girls followed. The message moved from “Win for Line” to “Live like Line” to “Play with Joy.” Sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning…as we go through this “up” kind of process. She did, as well, and motivated those girls with the depth, passion, and joy we find as we wake up. Toward the end of the movie, she turned, looked at the girls and said, “YOU STRONG WOMEN.” They were. She was, too. And they were all even stronger, as a result of showing, opening, growing, cleaning and waking up (with a little covering and cheering along the way.) 

We play with the joy we know now as just a taste of the banquet we will have some day with Jesus. He frees us to play with joy in his love—and through our trust in that love. 

The final day of our retreat, we moved into Romans 12. Romans 12 starts with the words “therefore.” “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” We watched this transformation take place in the high school girls over the course of our time together. Therefore, they went home from Hopetown having experienced purpose in encouraging each other, having experienced strength in who they are, and having shared joy. Now, they get to live out the “therefore” as they head back home and resume their daily lives. These strong women. It was an honor to spend the time with them and watch the awakening God is doing in each of their lives and hearts.

We’d encourage you to watch The Miracle Season and talk about what the Up process looks like in your own lives.

 

Hopetown Highlight #1: 11th & 12th Grade

“It’s not who we are, but can be a fruit of what we do.”

This week at camp was our 11th-12th grade camp. We talked about Mr. Rogers, Romans 12, and apples. We also played on the lake, rode 14 miles on bikes, had Thanksgiving and Christmas, played ultimate frisbee, bowled, and talked about what to expect in college. But it all came back to what it looks like to Love in Action, as Romans 12 talks about in The Message.

“Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy; share tears when they’re down. Get along with each other; don’t be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don’t be the great somebody.” -Romans 12:9-16

The first night of camp, we watched “Won’t You Be My Neighbor,” the documentary on Fred Rogers life. If you haven’t seen it, we would highly recommend you watch it with your high schoolers. He talks about so many of the very same ideas…

And it seems like so much of what he communicated boiled down to two ideas.

You are loved.

Now go love others.

Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? 

“From the time you were very little, you have had people who have smiled you into smiling, people who have talked you into talking, sung you into singing, loved you into loving.” -Fred Rogers

The first morning, after talking about Mr. Rogers, we wrote letters to people in our lives who had done just that…loved us into loving. Could be a great thing to do with your family, as well…

We continued to talk about how our understanding of who we are and being loved affects how we love others. We so often don’t understand. We question and listen to the voices in our own heads or around us, rather than the voice of God that calls us, as Zechariah 2:8 says, “the apple of God’s eye.”

From there, we decided to talk about those apples—in the context of one of our favorite contexts—the Enneagram. We broke each number down into what we believe they look like as apples, and how those apples sometimes get in our way.

Perfect apple—works hard to keep up their shine, but ends up bruising themselves and others from trying too hard.

Honeycrisp apple—so sweet and good, but unaware of manipulative motivations that can spoil their actions

Shiny apple—good looking on the outside, but when you bite into it there’s a hidden worm that they don’t want you to see

Bruised apple—catches your eye because it’s hurt and wounded, but stays a victim of the falls

Teacher’s apple—they think they know it all, smart but tries to protect themselves and pull away

Mushy apple—sensitive, soft and sweet, fearful of worst case scenarios, doesn’t trust the branches to hold it up

Decorative apple—looks really dazzling and great, but it’s not real-hiding and trying to avoid feelings something deeper

Tough apple—pushes everyone away because of how strong it is on the outside, but dehydrated on the inside

Bad apple—gets lost in the bag, easygoing but becomes apathetic and tossed about by all the other apples

Luke 6:43-45 says, “You don’t get wormy apples off a healthy tree, nor good apples off a diseased tree. The health of the apple tells the health of the tree. You must begin with your own life-giving lives. It’s who you are, not what you say and do, that counts. Your true being brims over into true words and deeds.”

As one of the high school girls said “The apples aren’t who we are, but can be a fruit of what we do.” That night, the kids had the opportunity to talk in small groups and then to take literal apples and toss them into the lake…our own version of tossing them into the sea from Micah 7:19. 

A few apples lighter, we went to bed. One counselor noticed the next morning that a few of the apples had washed back onto the shore. And that they will…over and over and over. Understanding our own sense of belovedness and loving out of the center of who we are is a process. But it is a process that begins with the truth that we are loved. We have been smiled into smiling and talked into talking and loved into loving, just as Mr. Rogers said. And now we have the great privilege of loving in action. And we’re pretty excited with you about having a summer to do just that.

How can your family love in action this summer?

Cultivating versus Protecting the Friendships of Girls: How Can I Keep My Daughter Away from the Mean Girls?

We were recently at a conference where one mom, from the audience, asked about her daughter and sleepovers. Because of a situation with another child, they didn’t allow their kids to have playdates with more than one child at once.  It had nothing to do with her daughter, but she was under the same rule because she lived under the same roof.  I was immediately saddened for this little girl.  

Relationships are foundational for girls.  They define themselves by this backdrop of relationship.  It begins with you, as their parents, and shifts, at some point along their school journey, to the world of peers.  Sometimes, out of genuine concern that the kids we love will be hurt, we can block their exposure to those important worlds.  “I don’t want my daughter to have to deal with mean girls.”  “I don’t want her to be bullied.”  “She doesn’t know how to use her own voice.”  And, while any of those statements may be true, she will only learn to use her confidence and skills in relationship within the context of relationship.  

Obviously, you want to make sure your daughter is in spaces where she has friends who encourage her.  In her younger years, you can do a lot of facilitating relationships with friends who are safe.  But we can’t protect them at all times.  We can grow their confidence and their voices at home.  We can teach them the all-important mixture of strength and kindness, where they can learn to make statements like, “I want to play with you, but not when you treat me like that.”  But we can’t prevent them from being hurt by other children, as much as we wish we could.  They will learn and grow in the context of relationship.  It is in relationship that they learn about relationship—and is the fertile ground that will help them be better friends, co-workers, spouses, and even potentially parents themselves at some point.  

How do I protect my son from being bullied?

Let’s get the bad news out of the way, and then move on to the good news.  

You can’t protect your son from being hurt by others.  You can prepare him to navigate hard relationships, and arm him with a plan if he encounters a bully.  You can coach him, role-play with him, and remind him of how capable, competent and courageous he is.   

Naming:  One of the first gifts we give the boys we love is to avoid over-using the word “bullied.”  As convinced as I am that bullying is happening in our schools, I’m equally convinced some of what we call “bullying” is simply conflict between kids.  We want to coach our sons to know the difference between conflict and bullying.  Conflict is a healthy part of every child’s social development, despite our attempts to eliminate it.

Previously printed in ParentLife

Technology Tuesday - Talking with Teenagers: Phones

I’ve recently heard about two different advances in the world of technology…particularly the world of teaching kids responsible technology use, which is maybe the one I’m most interested in.

The first is a movement called #waituntil8th.  It was started in Austin, TX, by a mom who wanted to help kids wait until the age of 14 to get a smartphone.  There’s been a lot of research as to the negative effects of screen time usage on the developing brains of kids, and this movement has therefore caught a lot of steam with schools and families.  And it’s one that even kids are jumping on board.

There is also an app called Moment that I’ve been talking with kids a lot about in my counseling office.  In fact, I had several groups of girls who downloaded it as their observance of Lent.  It not only monitors your screen time, but it goes so far as to monitor your pickups.  It has a coaching component where it suggests things like, “Go 2 hours today without picking up your phone.”  “Download your most used app.”  And, “Put your phone out of reach while you’re riding in the car.”  It’s a convicting, enlightening app—I’ve downloaded it myself, so that I can talk about it with the teenagers in my life.

For both of these advances, this is maybe the concept I love the most:  you do it with the teenagers you love.  They’re built around conversations.  As we talk about lots, we talk at kids way too much—especially about the areas where we have some fear.  Technology is one of the biggest of those.  Instead, what if we asked these kinds of questions:

Have you heard about wait until 8th?  What do you think about it?  When do you think kids should have smart phones?  Why?  When do you think you’ll give your child a phone?  

How much do you think you’re using your phone these days?  (and talk about your own phone usage in a conversation that is back and forth, rather than a lecture).  What are the apps you use the most?  Does it ever feel like it starts to control you?  What would you want to change?  How do you think phones have changed the way people relate?  

I had the girls in my group lead the conversation about Moment.  They got really excited about limiting their own screen time.  The talk started at 7 hours per day and went down to 2, as a goal…which, in this day and time, is a pretty good goal for high schoolers.  

What can you do to engage them in conversation?  Relate to them around their phones where they feel heard and like you really do value their input?  For more suggestions (and guidelines), check out Taming the Technology Monster.  We want to be teaching the kids we love responsible phone use.  It’s their phone use, not ours.  We want them to learn…and, to do so, they need to formulate their own ideas and find their own voices in all things, not just technology.  Let’s ask questions, listen, and give guidelines and consequences when needed.  They’re much more likely to respect us when they feel we’ve listened to them first.

-originally published in Parenting Teens magazine