Chris Eboch's Blog, page 42
May 20, 2011
First Page Critique: A Middle-Grade Fantasy
This week I'm critiquing the first page of a middle grade novel called Finding Evekitas. My comments intersperse the original text.
Melissa was walking to school, reading, holding the book out in front so she could keep one eye on the street. Liam Cranton's rusty old bike lay stretched across the sidewalk in front of her. She saw it coming in plenty of time to step over, but a pedal still snagged her foot. She tried to twist around and scramble over it, but it tripped her again, and she fell on the concrete. The book flew out of her hands. As it did, a scrap of paper escaped from between the pages and fluttered away.
CE: This is a nice bit of characterization upfront -- a girl who reads while walking to school. I'm curious about what she's reading. I'd like to see a little more detail of the fall to really bring it to life, to make sure it's shown rather than told. For example, "she fell on the concrete" is a bit vague. I don't know how she landed or if it hurt. I might rework it something like this:
.... the pedal sticking up snagged her left foot. She twisted that foot away from the pedal while hopping on her right foot, but the loop of her shoelace caught the pedal. She pulled, but the bike pulled back. The book flew out of her hands as she wobbled. A scrap of paper escaped from between the pages and fluttered away.
Melissa's foot pulled free from the bike and she went down on hands and knees. She bit back a cry of pain and sat back on her heels, hugging her scraped hands to her stomach. She glanced around quickly to see if anyone had noticed the fall.
CE: I think this creates a clearer picture, and also gives us a little more of Melissa's character. This may or may not be the right character for Melissa. Maybe she cries out loudly and hopes someone saw her and will come give comfort. Maybe she brushes off the pain as entirely unimportant, because she's already focused on the paper. You don't want to spend too much time on the accident, as it's really just a way to get us to the piece of paper, but by showing Melissa's actions and reactions clearly, you create a more vivid scene and also give us hints to her character.
Melissa picked herself up and looked around. Beyond the Crantons' worn-out picket fence, the paper had landed in a rose bush. She tried to reach over the fence, but it was too far.
The scrap might only be someone's bookmark that got left behind. But it had looked old and yellowed, and Melissa thought she had seen writing on it. She wanted to see what it said.
CE: This is straightforward enough. Melissa has some curiosity but she's also practical. It might be nice to give us a specific thought -- what she imagines the paper might be. This acts as a teaser for the reader and once again gives us more of her personality. For example, does she think it might, just possibly, be a treasure map, an antique document, or an old letter from a family member? Different kinds of kids might come up with each of those possibilities and find that particular answer especially intriguing. Giving a thought like this will also help us feel closer to Melissa. So far I feel a bit like I'm on the outside watching her, rather than seeing and feeling this close to her point of view. That may be intentional and necessary to the story, if you want that distance -- if you're trying for a more omniscient point of view because you have a lot of characters and need to skip around between them, for example. But in general, we want to feel close to the main character.
She stood for a moment with her hand on the gate. She didn't know the Crantons very well, but Liam was in the lower school, and they started fifteen minutes earlier. He'd have gone to school by now. Probably there was no one home.
CE: Good details to show her caution and practical way of thinking.
She opened the gate. At that moment, a little, fuzzy, yellow dog came flying around the corner of the house, wagging its tail and yammering at her.
The rosebush was only a few steps away. Melissa dashed over to it. The puppy saw what she was doing, and ran to get there first. She snatched at the paper, but the dog was faster. He nabbed it and frolicked away.
CE: Nice complication -- though these must be tiny rosebushes if a little dog can grab something from one. At least I was imagining it landing on top of the bush. Perhaps reword a bit so we see where the paper falls better. Or when she first reaches for the paper, she could wind up knocking it farther down.
She should just go on to school, before someone saw her. She didn't want to have to explain this to anyone! But most of the paper was sticking comically out of the little dog's mouth, and there were definitely words on it.
CE: I'm getting more of a sense of her character. She seems practical, thoughtful, and rather shy. But she's also curious, which is a good trait in a main character. This little episode introduces her and a small problem to get the ball rolling. Presumably the paper will lead on to bigger things. Right now I'm kind of taking it on faith that the paper will be interesting, because this is a book and therefore you must have a reason for starting with this scene. But the situation isn't all that inherently dramatic by itself, so I'd like to see a little more drama about the paper -- perhaps that thought about what exactly it might be.
You can also end this last paragraph with another thought about why a paper with words on it seems important. And although the complications -- the paper out of reach, the dog grabbing it -- do add some tension, don't wait too long for her to get the paper. If we knew that the paper was important, complications would add lots of tension, but because we're not sure yet, it will get dull if we have to wait too long to find out what's on the paper.
You have a clean, straightforward writing style, written at a nice fourth grade level. I like the character so far and I'm curious enough about the paper to keep reading. I'd suggest you work to keep us close to Melissa's point of view so we really understand what she's seeing, feeling, and thinking, and follow up this little hook fairly quickly with the big hook -- what's on the paper that is going to change her life. Thanks for sharing!
Melissa was walking to school, reading, holding the book out in front so she could keep one eye on the street. Liam Cranton's rusty old bike lay stretched across the sidewalk in front of her. She saw it coming in plenty of time to step over, but a pedal still snagged her foot. She tried to twist around and scramble over it, but it tripped her again, and she fell on the concrete. The book flew out of her hands. As it did, a scrap of paper escaped from between the pages and fluttered away.
CE: This is a nice bit of characterization upfront -- a girl who reads while walking to school. I'm curious about what she's reading. I'd like to see a little more detail of the fall to really bring it to life, to make sure it's shown rather than told. For example, "she fell on the concrete" is a bit vague. I don't know how she landed or if it hurt. I might rework it something like this:
.... the pedal sticking up snagged her left foot. She twisted that foot away from the pedal while hopping on her right foot, but the loop of her shoelace caught the pedal. She pulled, but the bike pulled back. The book flew out of her hands as she wobbled. A scrap of paper escaped from between the pages and fluttered away.
Melissa's foot pulled free from the bike and she went down on hands and knees. She bit back a cry of pain and sat back on her heels, hugging her scraped hands to her stomach. She glanced around quickly to see if anyone had noticed the fall.
CE: I think this creates a clearer picture, and also gives us a little more of Melissa's character. This may or may not be the right character for Melissa. Maybe she cries out loudly and hopes someone saw her and will come give comfort. Maybe she brushes off the pain as entirely unimportant, because she's already focused on the paper. You don't want to spend too much time on the accident, as it's really just a way to get us to the piece of paper, but by showing Melissa's actions and reactions clearly, you create a more vivid scene and also give us hints to her character.
Melissa picked herself up and looked around. Beyond the Crantons' worn-out picket fence, the paper had landed in a rose bush. She tried to reach over the fence, but it was too far.
The scrap might only be someone's bookmark that got left behind. But it had looked old and yellowed, and Melissa thought she had seen writing on it. She wanted to see what it said.
CE: This is straightforward enough. Melissa has some curiosity but she's also practical. It might be nice to give us a specific thought -- what she imagines the paper might be. This acts as a teaser for the reader and once again gives us more of her personality. For example, does she think it might, just possibly, be a treasure map, an antique document, or an old letter from a family member? Different kinds of kids might come up with each of those possibilities and find that particular answer especially intriguing. Giving a thought like this will also help us feel closer to Melissa. So far I feel a bit like I'm on the outside watching her, rather than seeing and feeling this close to her point of view. That may be intentional and necessary to the story, if you want that distance -- if you're trying for a more omniscient point of view because you have a lot of characters and need to skip around between them, for example. But in general, we want to feel close to the main character.
She stood for a moment with her hand on the gate. She didn't know the Crantons very well, but Liam was in the lower school, and they started fifteen minutes earlier. He'd have gone to school by now. Probably there was no one home.
CE: Good details to show her caution and practical way of thinking.
She opened the gate. At that moment, a little, fuzzy, yellow dog came flying around the corner of the house, wagging its tail and yammering at her.
The rosebush was only a few steps away. Melissa dashed over to it. The puppy saw what she was doing, and ran to get there first. She snatched at the paper, but the dog was faster. He nabbed it and frolicked away.
CE: Nice complication -- though these must be tiny rosebushes if a little dog can grab something from one. At least I was imagining it landing on top of the bush. Perhaps reword a bit so we see where the paper falls better. Or when she first reaches for the paper, she could wind up knocking it farther down.
She should just go on to school, before someone saw her. She didn't want to have to explain this to anyone! But most of the paper was sticking comically out of the little dog's mouth, and there were definitely words on it.
CE: I'm getting more of a sense of her character. She seems practical, thoughtful, and rather shy. But she's also curious, which is a good trait in a main character. This little episode introduces her and a small problem to get the ball rolling. Presumably the paper will lead on to bigger things. Right now I'm kind of taking it on faith that the paper will be interesting, because this is a book and therefore you must have a reason for starting with this scene. But the situation isn't all that inherently dramatic by itself, so I'd like to see a little more drama about the paper -- perhaps that thought about what exactly it might be.
You can also end this last paragraph with another thought about why a paper with words on it seems important. And although the complications -- the paper out of reach, the dog grabbing it -- do add some tension, don't wait too long for her to get the paper. If we knew that the paper was important, complications would add lots of tension, but because we're not sure yet, it will get dull if we have to wait too long to find out what's on the paper.
You have a clean, straightforward writing style, written at a nice fourth grade level. I like the character so far and I'm curious enough about the paper to keep reading. I'd suggest you work to keep us close to Melissa's point of view so we really understand what she's seeing, feeling, and thinking, and follow up this little hook fairly quickly with the big hook -- what's on the paper that is going to change her life. Thanks for sharing!
May 19, 2011
First Page Critique: A Middle-Grade Fantasy
Here's this week's submission for the first page critique, a middle grade fantasy called Finding Evekitas. Practice your critiquing skills today, and come back tomorrow to see my comments.
Melissa was walking to school, reading, holding the book out in front so she could keep one eye on the street. Liam Cranton's rusty old bike lay stretched across the sidewalk in front of her. She saw it coming in plenty of time to step over, but a pedal still snagged her foot. She tried to twist around and scramble over it, but it tripped her again, and she fell on the concrete. The book flew out of her hands. As it did, a scrap of paper escaped from between the pages and fluttered away.
Melissa picked herself up and looked around. Beyond the Crantons' worn-out picket fence, the paper had landed in a rose bush. She tried to reach over the fence, but it was too far.
The scrap might only be someone's bookmark that got left behind. But it had looked old and yellowed, and Melissa thought she had seen writing on it. She wanted to see what it said.
She stood for a moment with her hand on the gate. She didn't know the Crantons very well, but Liam was in the lower school, and they started fifteen minutes earlier. He'd have gone to school by now. Probably there was no one home.
She opened the gate. At that moment, a little, fuzzy, yellow dog came flying around the corner of the house, wagging its tail and yammering at her.
The rosebush was only a few steps away. Melissa dashed over to it. The puppy saw what she was doing, and ran to get there first. She snatched at the paper, but the dog was faster. He nabbed it and frolicked away.
She should just go on to school, before someone saw her. She didn't want to have to explain this to anyone! But most of the paper was sticking comically out of the little dog's mouth, and there were definitely words on it.
May 18, 2011
Agents Go Indie?
More news on agents and indie publishing:
The Andrea Brown Literary Agency is independently publishing Solstice, a young adult novel by their client P. J. Hoover. The agency calls this "the first front-list novel to be independently published by an Andrea Brown Literary Agency author," which perhaps implies more to come.
To learn more about this decision, read this interview withPJ on The Spectacle.
Another literary agent, Scott Waxman, created DiversionBooks, an online e-publishing house, "to help self-published writers navigate the cyber market."
An interesting note from the Divergent Books submission guidelines -- fiction authors can submit with a query letter and sample chapter. Nonfiction authors are asked to fill out a form which includes questions about their social networking activities -- their number of Facebook and Twitter followers and the number of monthly visits to their blog -- reinforcing the idea that platform is important for nonfiction.
May 13, 2011
First Page Critique: A Middle-Grade Novel in Verse
Today I'm critiquing a middle grade novel in verse, currently titled "tilt." First of all, I had better say that I rarely read novels in verse. Just not my thing. I do recognize bad poetry though, and this is not bad. It might even be good, but I'm not the best judge. The poems certainly create mood and are gracefully efficient at conveying information. Here and there the rhythm feels a bit choppy to me, and I wonder about having proper punctuation for some sentences but not others, which makes some sentences sound like run-ons. Now I'm going to look at the content, rather than the poetry. (And this is more than a first page, but because the poems are so short I'll go with that.)
NotebookI've kept notebooksforever. Mom has all of themin a box somewhere.Each filled with thoughts, ideas and drawings.My current notebook isdedicated to JacksonIt has all the poemsI've written about my friend.I started writing aboutJackson the first summer he was goneI wanted to remember everythingabout him, every lastdetail. Even when I didn't stay.
CE: This gets off to a nice start. It's not the most romantic first line ever, but it sets up a situation -- why we are getting these poems. Then we get a hint of mystery and conflict -- Jackson is gone. Does that mean dead? Disappeared? Or just that he left town?
The last sentence threw me off a bit. "I didn't stay." Wait, I thought Jackson was the one who was gone. So have both gone somewhere? But if Jackson was already gone, why does it matter if the narrator also moved? This introduces another question, but in this case, I don't think it's a good one. I'm more puzzled than intrigued.
Rhymes WithTilt.Dad's expression forthe changing courseof an event.Kinda like playing pinballif you're cleveryou can "tilt" the gameand if not, game over.
Tilt is alsolike the carnival"tilt-a-whirl" thatspins you rounduntil you become dizzy,like I didthat spring night two years ago.Also rhymes with guilt.
CE: There's some nice imagery here and I bet this relates to the theme. I wonder if it's too early in the story, though. This is general information and doesn't intrigue me with anything specific. At this point, I want to know more about what happened and what's happening -- the conflict. Guilt is too general if I don't know who is guilty or over what. Walking HomeSchool's almost outjump and shoutSchool's almost outJumping and shouting all the way.Only seventeen more walks?Until elementary school is overa summer to getready for middle schoolBig changes aheadAm I ready? No.I'm already worried about thatfirst day.Will I get lost? Will the olderkids be mean?And my best friend from elementary schoolwont' be there.I round the corner and therein front of me, lips curled, head low, ears back,a huge dogblocks my path.
CE: This voice sounds much younger than the earlier one. At first I wondered if we were jumping back in time, but that doesn't seem to be true from the rest of the poems. Make sure your narrator has a fairly consistent voice. Obviously it may change with her mood and it's fine to use different poetry styles, but it should always sound like it's her. (This feels like a female narrator to me.)
This has drama, both from the anticipation of middle school and then from the threatening dog. But it worries me that this sounds like a different person in a different situation. I'm not sure where the story is going, or even where it's starting. There is a mention about the best friend from elementary school, but with so much else going on in this poem, I only caught that on a second read.
RunRun. No, wait.Think, Darrah, thinkWhat did that lady say?Be a log? No, a tree. Close my eyes?
I stop. Drop my pack.Whisper: Freeze, Darrah, freeze.Dare to glance down,see that dog through buttonhole eyes.
Dog sniffs my backpack,my shoelaces.Does it smell fear?Can it tell I'm shaking?
Meow-ow-ow-meowDog turns its head, sees thecat teetering on the fencebolts after it.
CE: I like this one. Good drama and it creates a clear scene with multiple senses. The short, choppy sentences work to convey the tension.
Puzzle SolverI run homethrough the front door, out the back door tomy trampoline, the puzzle solver!Whoosh, plop! Whoosh, plop. Up. Down.
Knees bent, pushing offI feel the last of the feardissolve. I wonder, whose dog?Whoosh, plop! Whoosh, plop! Up. Down.
Did those peopleadopt another dog?How could they? Why would they?Whoosh, plop! Whoosh, plop! Up. Down.
I wonder Jackson,Do you have dogs with youwherever you are.Whoosh, plop! Whoosh, plop! Up. Down.
I wonder, Jackson,were you with me today?did you see that dog,did you feel my fear?
CE: I'm not sure what "the puzzle solver" means here, but this helps connect the dog to the question of Jackson. It shows how the narrator keeps Jackson in her heart even though he's gone.
Mischief Ninja
Mom yellsDarrah, getting dark out.Yeah, okay, I yell back.I whisper to the first glimmering star in the tangerine skyGood-night Jackson.Yep, I admit it. I talk to Jackson a lot.He's everywhere; apple tree tops,tetherball, in class.But last spring was different.Clouds hung like funeral drapes,my mom says we could cut the air witha knife it was so still.Stars vanished.You see, my best friendMy mischief ninja:Jackson.Died.Tilt.
CE: I like the imagery and the specific details. We get the answer here about Jackson, but in a way it feels anticlimactic. I was already pretty sure he died, so it's not much of a surprise. I wonder about cutting out the last six lines. With his death revealed to us slowly, you don't need to state it outright.
In general, I'd say this section is working, so long as you have a reader who likes verse novels and wants to read a story about a friend who died. I'd like to see even more of a hook, though. Dead friend? Fine, but it's been done before and that premise alone doesn't make me want to read the novel.
I like the term of mischief ninja -- I'd like to read about a mischief ninja, but one who is active, not one who has died. So far, the most interesting character is dead and the most dramatic action (the death) has already happened.
Is there something specific about this friend, this narrator's journey, the specifics of this experience? Guilt has been mentioned, but that could be survivor's guilt or misplaced guilt so doesn't really suggest some great secret. She talks to her dead friend, but what is the conflict now, looking toward the future? Is this just a quiet story about living through grief? If there's something more, I'd like a hint of it by now.
As I said, I don't usually read verse novels. Also, I tend to prefer stories with plenty of action and adventure, so it may simply be that I'm not the best reader for this story. But the other verse novels I know of have a lot of inherent drama in the situation. Maybe this does too, but I'd like to see more of it by this point in the story. You might think about bringing a specific, current conflict into play earlier, or even starting the story earlier, perhaps just before Jackson's death. Make sure you have enough interesting conflict to sustain a novel as well.
If I were an editor/reader looking for verse novels, I'd be interested enough to give this a little more time and try to figure out where it's going, but I wouldn't want to wait too much longer for a current conflict.
Thanks for sharing! Best of luck with your revisions.
May 12, 2011
First Page Critique: A Middle-Grade Novel in Verse
This weeks critique is a middle grade novel in verse, currently titled "tilt." Study it today and come back tomorrow to see my feedback.
NotebookI've kept notebooksforever. Mom has all of themin a box somewhere.Each filled with thoughts, ideas and drawings.My current notebook isdedicated to JacksonIt has all the poemsI've written about my friend.I started writing aboutJackson the first summer he was goneI wanted to remember everythingabout him, every lastdetail. Even when I didn't stay.
Rhymes WithTilt.Dad's expression forthe changing courseof an event.Kinda like playing pinballif you're cleveryou can "tilt" the gameand if not, game over.
Tilt is alsolike the carnival"tilt-a-whirl" thatspins you rounduntil you become dizzy,like I didthat spring night two years ago.Also rhymes with guilt.
Walking HomeSchool's almost outjump and shoutSchool's almost outJumping and shouting all the way.Only seventeen more walks?Until elementary school is overa summer to getready for middle schoolBig changes aheadAm I ready? No.I'm already worried about thatfirst day.Will I get lost? Will the olderkids be mean?And my best friend from elementary schoolwont' be there.I round the corner and therein front of me, lips curled, head low, ears back,a huge dogblocks my path.
RunRun. No, wait.Think, Darrah, thinkWhat did that lady say?Be a log? No, a tree. Close my eyes?
I stop. Drop my pack.Whisper: Freeze, Darrah, freeze.Dare to glance down,see that dog through buttonhole eyes.
Dog sniffs my backpack,my shoelaces.Does it smell fear?Can it tell I'm shaking?
Meow-ow-ow-meowDog turns its head, sees thecat teetering on the fencebolts after it.
Puzzle SolverI run homethrough the front door, out the back door tomy trampoline, the puzzle solver!Whoosh, plop! Whoosh, plop. Up. Down.
Knees bent, pushing offI feel the last of the feardissolve. I wonder, whose dog?Whoosh, plop! Whoosh, plop! Up. Down.
Did those peopleadopt another dog?How could they? Why would they?Whoosh, plop! Whoosh, plop! Up. Down.
I wonder Jackson,Do you have dogs with youwherever you are.Whoosh, plop! Whoosh, plop! Up. Down.
I wonder, Jackson,were you with me today?did you see that dog,did you feel my fear?
Mischief Ninja
Mom yellsDarrah, getting dark out.Yeah, okay, I yell back.I whisper to the first glimmering star in the tangerine skyGood-night Jackson.Yep, I admit it. I talk to Jackson a lot.He's everywhere; apple tree tops,tetherball, in class.But last spring was different.Clouds hung like funeral drapes,my mom says we could cut the air witha knife it was so still.Stars vanished.You see, my best friendMy mischief ninja:Jackson.Died.Tilt.
May 11, 2011
The New Gatekeepers
Last week I talked about the disadvantages of using self-publishing to skip over the painful process of facing rejection from traditional publishers. But what if you're not looking at self-publishing as an easy way out? What if you're a traditionally-published author who now sees self-publishing as a valid business model, or you're unpublished but have done your homework and hired professional editors? You can release your book, but it's easy to get lost among all the other unprofessional self-published work. How do you prove to readers that they are getting a quality read, if you don't have the stamp of approval from a traditional publisher?
Some authors are banding together into groups to approve each other's work. Book View Café is a group of traditionally published authors who market self-published versions of previously published work and original work directly to readers. According to the website, "Membership in Book View Café is limited to authors who have had at least one novel published with a traditional, advance-and-royalty paying print publisher."
I expect we'll see more of this kind of consortium. However, the authors involved will have to keep standards high. It only takes one or two bad books for a customer to assume everything published by a group is equally bad. Being part of a group with a bad reputation is probably worse than not having a group behind you.
That puts authors in the awkward position of potentially having to tell friends and colleagues that their work isn't ready yet. Even if the group limits members to authors who are previously published traditionally, that doesn't guarantee that every new work by every member will be up to par. (My understanding is that at Book View Café every new work does have to go through a screening process by other members.)
It will be interesting to see what fills the "gatekeeper" void. Groups of authors banding together for marketing purposes? Freelance editors with reputations? Review websites? Will bloggers become even more powerful? Or will people depend primarily on Amazon reviews, which can be unreliable, filled with praise from the author's family members who haven't even read the book or criticisms from trolls with a personal grudge?
What do you see as the future of the gatekeeper?
(Speaking of reviews, I have some good ones on Amazon for Rattled and The Eyes of Pharaoh . These, of course, are nothing but the unvarnished truth.)
May 6, 2011
First Page Critique: picture book
I'm critiquing a 300 word picture book this week. Scroll down to yesterday's post if you want to read the whole manuscript without comments first.
I like a lot of things about this submission. It's a funny and quirky retelling of Goldilocks. It's short, which is marketable, and you have lots of action which makes for a good variety of illustrations. I can imagine exuberant and hysterical art. Mama Cat is a great character, and her dialogue shows how much characterization can be done through dialogue.
So lots of good stuff. My concern is that I'm not sure who the main character is. Presumably it should be Goldipig -- she's the title character and introduced first. But we don't get that much of her personality. I found her less interesting and dramatic than Mama Cat. Plus, insofar as she has a problem, it's that she doesn't like her murky sty at the pond, and this isn't really resolved.
Max has personality and a suggested problem -- he doesn't fit in with his family (though some adults would argue that his problem is disobedience). His problem is sort of solved at the end, if he's going to go play with Goldipig. But he's not an active character until halfway through the book and he doesn't really solve his own problem. We have two main characters, but neither has a complete character or plot arc.
A quick review -- stories nearly always should start by introducing a main character who has a problem or goal, show that character working to achieve that goal or solve that problem, and have that character solve the problem at the end. Are there exceptions? Sure, but that pattern is satisfying, so it's a good place to start when developing your story ideas. It's also good to refer back to it to check your plot.
Humorous stories like this one can more easily get away with a plot that rambles a bit. Goldipig almost works, and maybe great illustrations could carry the story, but I found it not quite satisfying.
So let's think about ways to strengthen one or both of the main characters. For Goldipig, what does she really want? Maybe she thinks she wants a clean, tidy home, but in the end realizes she's more comfortable back at the pond. But if this is her emotional journey, why does she trash the house that looks so appealing? Maybe she tries to keep it neat but she's just too big and clumsy. Or maybe she has another reason for exploring the house.
Maybe Max could be a bigger part of the story if he sneaks back right away, so he's there when Goldipig is causing a mess. But he won't set a very good example (by parental standards) if he's destroying his house. Maybe they're making a mess without being quite so destructive... maybe they are even playing with the blocks and reading the books before they leave them all over... or maybe Max, like the kids in The Cat in the Hat, is warning Golidepig that Mama will be mad and trying to control the destruction.
This is your story, so I won't tell you which direction to go. But think about a connected plot/character arc at least for Goldipig and ideally also for Max. You might also think about your theme. What's the message of this story? The grass always looks greener on the other side? We can't choose our family that we can choose our friends? Deciding what you want to say may help you direct your plot.
Chances are much of your wording will change, but I've made some additional comments in the story, in brackets.
GOLDIPIG
Goldipig thought the tidy cottage in the woods looked WAY better than her mucky sty at the pond.
She watched Mama Cat instruct her family as they stepped out the door. "Single file! No pushing! [Great dialogue to show her character, but I think you could cut this part, as we get the situation without it and the focus should be more on Goldipig: " said Mama Cat. "Papa Cat, comb your whiskers! You look dreadful! Hurry up!] We must be at Grandcat's house in exactly six minutes! Max! Don't dawdle!"
Illustration note: Six kittens in matching clothes are lined up tallest to shortest. Max, the smallest kitten is not with the program. Goldipig is watching from behind the neatly trimmed shrubbery. [I doubt you need this illustration note. Trust the editor and illustrator to read between the lines.]
The moment the cat family was out of sight, Goldipig followed her snout to the kitchen.
"Where do they keep the food in this place?" she snorted.
The hungry pig rooted through the pantry, raided the refrigerator, and rummaged in the cabinets. Munch, munch, slurp.
"So, what's to do around here?"
"Books? Bah!"
"Blocks? Boring!"
"Banisters? Beautiful!"
Illustration note: Goldipig tosses the books off the shelves, kicks over a neat stack of blocks, then slides down the banister, breaking it. [By making this one illustration note, you suggest all of these things happen in one illustration. It would work better as three illustrations, which would also put you closer to the appropriate 14 to 16 page count for standard picture books. You probably don't need illustration notes for Books or Blocks, but maybe for Banisters.]
"Nap time! Now, where can a pig go for a snooze?"
"Not comfy!"
Illustration note: Goldipig is trying to fit on a stiff looking sofa.
"Not cozy!"
Illustration note: Goldipig lying on Mama Cat's perfectly arranged bed.
"Aaaaahhhhh!"
Illustration note: Goldipig lying across the kittens' side-by-side beds. [I don't think you need the two illustration notes above, but this one is necessary or we won't understand the page.]
While Goldipig snored, the cat family finished their 27 minute visit with Grandcat and marched home.
"Wipe your feet on the mat! Hang your coats up in order!" barked Mama Cat.
Then she walked into the kitchen.
Illustration note: Max drops his coat on the floor behind Mama Cat and tracks in mud. [I'm afraid he comes across as more of a brat than a rebel or outsider.]
"GOOD HEAVENS!" she cried. "Papa Cat, call the police! Raymond, clean up those cans! Suzy, mop the floor!"
Illustration note: Max is secretly lapping up milk and eating a treat.
Then she walked into the parlor.
"GOOD GRACIOUS!" she exclaimed. "Papa Cat, call the fire department! Sylvia, line up those books! Robert, stack those blocks!"
Illustration note: Max slides down the banister and flies off the broken end. [I would avoid using all capitals in a manuscript. I haven't heard that officially, but to me it looks less professional. The words, the exclamation points, and the cried/explained are plenty.]
Then she walked upstairs.
"GOOD GRIEF!" she shrieked. "Papa Cat, call the President! Roger, fluff those cushions! Max, pull up those covers! Max? Max, where are you?"
Max slipped into his bedroom.
"Hi," he said. "Mama Cat thinks you sure did make a mess."
"Hey, a pig's gotta have some fun," said Goldipig with a grin.
"You'd better get out of here before she sees you," Max whispered.
"Well then, what're we waiting for?" winked Goldipig. "C'mon, kid. Let's go!"
Illustration note: Goldipig and Max are outside playing in the mud while a horrified Mama Cat watches from the window.
CE: Thanks for sharing your work, and good luck with revisions!
I like a lot of things about this submission. It's a funny and quirky retelling of Goldilocks. It's short, which is marketable, and you have lots of action which makes for a good variety of illustrations. I can imagine exuberant and hysterical art. Mama Cat is a great character, and her dialogue shows how much characterization can be done through dialogue.
So lots of good stuff. My concern is that I'm not sure who the main character is. Presumably it should be Goldipig -- she's the title character and introduced first. But we don't get that much of her personality. I found her less interesting and dramatic than Mama Cat. Plus, insofar as she has a problem, it's that she doesn't like her murky sty at the pond, and this isn't really resolved.
Max has personality and a suggested problem -- he doesn't fit in with his family (though some adults would argue that his problem is disobedience). His problem is sort of solved at the end, if he's going to go play with Goldipig. But he's not an active character until halfway through the book and he doesn't really solve his own problem. We have two main characters, but neither has a complete character or plot arc.
A quick review -- stories nearly always should start by introducing a main character who has a problem or goal, show that character working to achieve that goal or solve that problem, and have that character solve the problem at the end. Are there exceptions? Sure, but that pattern is satisfying, so it's a good place to start when developing your story ideas. It's also good to refer back to it to check your plot.
Humorous stories like this one can more easily get away with a plot that rambles a bit. Goldipig almost works, and maybe great illustrations could carry the story, but I found it not quite satisfying.
So let's think about ways to strengthen one or both of the main characters. For Goldipig, what does she really want? Maybe she thinks she wants a clean, tidy home, but in the end realizes she's more comfortable back at the pond. But if this is her emotional journey, why does she trash the house that looks so appealing? Maybe she tries to keep it neat but she's just too big and clumsy. Or maybe she has another reason for exploring the house.
Maybe Max could be a bigger part of the story if he sneaks back right away, so he's there when Goldipig is causing a mess. But he won't set a very good example (by parental standards) if he's destroying his house. Maybe they're making a mess without being quite so destructive... maybe they are even playing with the blocks and reading the books before they leave them all over... or maybe Max, like the kids in The Cat in the Hat, is warning Golidepig that Mama will be mad and trying to control the destruction.
This is your story, so I won't tell you which direction to go. But think about a connected plot/character arc at least for Goldipig and ideally also for Max. You might also think about your theme. What's the message of this story? The grass always looks greener on the other side? We can't choose our family that we can choose our friends? Deciding what you want to say may help you direct your plot.
Chances are much of your wording will change, but I've made some additional comments in the story, in brackets.
GOLDIPIG
Goldipig thought the tidy cottage in the woods looked WAY better than her mucky sty at the pond.
She watched Mama Cat instruct her family as they stepped out the door. "Single file! No pushing! [Great dialogue to show her character, but I think you could cut this part, as we get the situation without it and the focus should be more on Goldipig: " said Mama Cat. "Papa Cat, comb your whiskers! You look dreadful! Hurry up!] We must be at Grandcat's house in exactly six minutes! Max! Don't dawdle!"
Illustration note: Six kittens in matching clothes are lined up tallest to shortest. Max, the smallest kitten is not with the program. Goldipig is watching from behind the neatly trimmed shrubbery. [I doubt you need this illustration note. Trust the editor and illustrator to read between the lines.]
The moment the cat family was out of sight, Goldipig followed her snout to the kitchen.
"Where do they keep the food in this place?" she snorted.
The hungry pig rooted through the pantry, raided the refrigerator, and rummaged in the cabinets. Munch, munch, slurp.
"So, what's to do around here?"
"Books? Bah!"
"Blocks? Boring!"
"Banisters? Beautiful!"
Illustration note: Goldipig tosses the books off the shelves, kicks over a neat stack of blocks, then slides down the banister, breaking it. [By making this one illustration note, you suggest all of these things happen in one illustration. It would work better as three illustrations, which would also put you closer to the appropriate 14 to 16 page count for standard picture books. You probably don't need illustration notes for Books or Blocks, but maybe for Banisters.]
"Nap time! Now, where can a pig go for a snooze?"
"Not comfy!"
Illustration note: Goldipig is trying to fit on a stiff looking sofa.
"Not cozy!"
Illustration note: Goldipig lying on Mama Cat's perfectly arranged bed.
"Aaaaahhhhh!"
Illustration note: Goldipig lying across the kittens' side-by-side beds. [I don't think you need the two illustration notes above, but this one is necessary or we won't understand the page.]
While Goldipig snored, the cat family finished their 27 minute visit with Grandcat and marched home.
"Wipe your feet on the mat! Hang your coats up in order!" barked Mama Cat.
Then she walked into the kitchen.
Illustration note: Max drops his coat on the floor behind Mama Cat and tracks in mud. [I'm afraid he comes across as more of a brat than a rebel or outsider.]
"GOOD HEAVENS!" she cried. "Papa Cat, call the police! Raymond, clean up those cans! Suzy, mop the floor!"
Illustration note: Max is secretly lapping up milk and eating a treat.
Then she walked into the parlor.
"GOOD GRACIOUS!" she exclaimed. "Papa Cat, call the fire department! Sylvia, line up those books! Robert, stack those blocks!"
Illustration note: Max slides down the banister and flies off the broken end. [I would avoid using all capitals in a manuscript. I haven't heard that officially, but to me it looks less professional. The words, the exclamation points, and the cried/explained are plenty.]
Then she walked upstairs.
"GOOD GRIEF!" she shrieked. "Papa Cat, call the President! Roger, fluff those cushions! Max, pull up those covers! Max? Max, where are you?"
Max slipped into his bedroom.
"Hi," he said. "Mama Cat thinks you sure did make a mess."
"Hey, a pig's gotta have some fun," said Goldipig with a grin.
"You'd better get out of here before she sees you," Max whispered.
"Well then, what're we waiting for?" winked Goldipig. "C'mon, kid. Let's go!"
Illustration note: Goldipig and Max are outside playing in the mud while a horrified Mama Cat watches from the window.
CE: Thanks for sharing your work, and good luck with revisions!
May 5, 2011
First Page Critique: picture book
This week's submission is from Storylady, who said, "This is a picture book manuscript. It's 441 words if you include the illustration notes, and approximately 300 if you don't. 300 words with the notes ends at the paragraph starting with "GOOD HEAVENS!" Thank you for doing this!
I'm going to include the whole thing, because I think it's worth discussing those illustrations notes.
GOLDIPIG
Goldipig thought the tidy cottage in the woods looked WAY better than her mucky sty at the pond. She watched Mama Cat instruct her family as they stepped out the door. "Single file! No pushing!" said Mama Cat. "Papa Cat, comb your whiskers! You look dreadful! Hurry up! We must be at Grandcat's house in exactly six minutes! Max! Don't dawdle!" Illustration note: Six kittens in matching clothes are lined up tallest to shortest. Max, the smallest kitten is not with the program. Goldipig is watching from behind the neatly trimmed shrubbery. The moment the cat family was out of sight, Goldipig followed her snout to the kitchen. "Where do they keep the food in this place?" she snorted. The hungry pig rooted through the pantry, raided the refrigerator, and rummaged in the cabinets. Munch, munch, slurp. "So, what's to do around here?" "Books? Bah!" "Blocks? Boring!" "Banisters? Beautiful!" Illustration note: Goldipig tosses the books off the shelves, kicks over a neat stack of blocks, then slides down the banister, breaking it.
"Nap time! Now, where can a pig go for a snooze?" "Not comfy!" Illustration note: Goldipig is trying to fit on a stiff looking sofa.
"Not cozy!" Illustration note: Goldipig lying on Mama Cat's perfectly arranged bed.
"Aaaaahhhhh!" Illustration note: Goldipig lying across the kittens' side-by-side beds.
While Goldipig snored, the cat family finished their 27 minute visit with Grandcat and marched home. "Wipe your feet on the mat! Hang your coats up in order!" barked Mama Cat. Then she walked into the kitchen. Illustration note: Max drops his coat on the floor behind Mama Cat and tracks in mud.
"GOOD HEAVENS!" she cried. "Papa Cat, call the police! Raymond, clean up those cans! Suzy, mop the floor!" Illustration note: Max is secretly lapping up milk and eating a treat.
Then she walked into the parlor. "GOOD GRACIOUS!" she exclaimed. "Papa Cat, call the fire department! Sylvia, line up those books! Robert, stack those blocks!" Illustration note: Max slides down the banister and flies off the broken end.
Then she walked upstairs. "GOOD GRIEF!" she shrieked. "Papa Cat, call the President! Roger, fluff those cushions! Max, pull up those covers! Max? Max, where are you?" Max slipped into his bedroom. "Hi," he said. "Mama Cat thinks you sure did make a mess." "Hey, a pig's gotta have some fun," said Goldipig with a grin. "You'd better get out of here before she sees you," Max whispered. "Well then, what're we waiting for?" winked Goldipig. "C'mon, kid. Let's go!" Illustration note: Goldipig and Max are outside playing in the mud while a horrified Mama Cat watches from the window.
Thank you, Storylady! One of the best ways to learn to write is to intelligently critique other work, so readers, how would you critique this story? Leave constructive criticism if you like and check back tomorrow to see my views.
May 4, 2011
What about the Gatekeeper?
One of the advantages—and disadvantages—of self-publishing has always been that there's no "gatekeeper," no team of industry professionals who have checked the manuscript to make sure it's really worthy of becoming a book. As self-publishing explodes, this becomes a greater concern. But not everybody agrees that the loss of the gatekeeper is a bad thing.
Literary Agent Jenny Bent said in a blog post, "Today, I am somewhat gleefully celebrating the fact that electronic publishing is really blowing apart the thinking that we in publishing somehow know better and have better taste than the average reader….
"What I'm loving most about the success of independently published e-books is that many of them didn't pass the "gatekeeper" test—the individual author tried and failed to get an agent or publisher and decided to do it themselves. And now lots of these authors are getting lucrative book deals as publishers struggle to catch up. AND, many of them are turning down agents and publishers because they want to keep doing it on their own terms."
So does that mean that gatekeepers aren't necessary—even that they are bad, preventing great writing from reaching hungry readers? Not necessarily. Many traditionally-published authors praise their editors for making their books much better. Most people agree that the majority of self-published books today were not ready for publication. Readers complain about being overwhelmed by too many choices or discovering that even free e-books often aren't worth the price.
Writers don't benefit from a shortcut to getting in print if it just means they are releasing work before it's ready. Those who use self-publishing to avoid getting rejections from publishers may face much harsher rejections in customer reviews.
Romantic suspense author Anne Allen said in her blog, "There are some unspoken benefits to the old query-fail-query-fail-submission-fail-editorial meeting-fail, fail, fail system. It not only gives us numerous readers to help hone that book to perfection--it also teaches us to deal with rejection, failure and bad reviews.
"If you choose to self-publish because you can't handle the rejection of the query process, you're setting yourself up for worse pain later on. If those form rejections in your email sting, think of how you'll feel when very personal rejection is broadcast all over the blogosphere.
"So there's a lesson here: don't publish until you're psychologically prepared to take the heat. Always keep in mind this is a business, and business can be nasty."
If you're not sure if your work is ready for self-publishing—or traditional submissions—consider hiring a professional editor. You can find out about my rates on my website.
April 29, 2011
First Page Critique: contemporary YA
Thanks go out to Shelley for submitting her contemporary young adult novel, Counting Change, for a first page critique. (You can read the submission without comments in yesterday's post.)
My mother's mission in life is to change me. She'll deny it, but ever since daddy's accident, she colors the rooms of our home like Michelangelo threatened with unemployment. She wears her paint scarf wrapped tight around her curls, and dangles brushes from each hand like a gunslinger from an old movie.
CE: The first sentence is intriguing, and I'm sure many teens will identify. We get a hint of another conflict and recent changes in the phrase "since daddy's accident." I don't understand how the rest of the paragraph relates, though. What does coloring the house have to do with changing the daughter? "Dangles brushes from each hand like a gunslinger from an old movie" is a great image. "Like Michelangelo threatened with unemployment" doesn't work for me as well. I started to think about what exactly that meant—is Mom painting murals?—Plus, can she really be both Michelangelo and a gunslinger?
"Jenna and I are going back to school shopping," I say before she can get a word out. All summer I've worked at Connie's Coffee listening in on conversations. A study in human weirdness. Right now in my sock drawer I've a folded wad of twenties waiting to buy jeans and shoes for my first day of high school.
CE: This jumps around. What do listening in on conversations and a study in human weirdness have to do with back-to-school shopping? I feel like the author is trying to get in too much information at the beginning. I'd save the coffee shop information for later.
I grab orange juice out of the fridge, and hunt through our cupboard for a clean glass.
CE: Not much going on here. I'd cut this line or replace it with an action which is more relevant, such as trying to get away before Mom interferes.
"Wonderful! I think you're going to love high school, Stoney. I know I did." Mama runs her hand over my hair. "Why do you insist on cutting your hair like a boy?"
I tug on my new bangs, knowing I cut them way too short. But I don't care. "I'm pretty sure I'm going to hate high school, Mama. Just because you liked it doesn't mean I'm going to like it." In fact, it's a pretty sure bet that if she liked it, I'll hate it.
CE: Lots of good information in these paragraphs. We get Stoney's name (unusual! I wonder if there's a story behind it), some of her appearance, and some personality of both characters. It's a nice example of "showing" through dialog and specific thoughts.
I'm trying to figure out why our lives have to change so much. Why can't we stay the same?
CE: This doesn't logically follow from her previous thoughts. It sounded like she was used to opposing her mother, so how is that a change? This feels like a teaser line where the author is trying to let us know right away that this novel is about change. Plus, we've gone from feeling like we are right there in the scene to a vague time and place. Is Stoney just standing there pondering through the next couple of paragraphs?
It's unbelievable the changes one person is required to go through in a lifetime, let alone a simple summer. I've written some down:
Besides the unspeakable accident, which changed everyone's lives forever, at the top of my list is Carl Journey, ex-boyfriend and creep. Also on that list is: school, body, and environment. Mine to be exact.
CE: I could see starting with these two paragraphs, if this novel has a lot of lists or diary style elements, or if the voice includes addressing the reader a lot. It would establish the voice and start by focusing on change. It introduces a couple of interesting elements—the unspeakable accident and the creepy ex-boyfriend. The rest of the list is bland, though. I'd like something more specific, such as suddenly growing boobs or growing three inches with stretch marks like tire tracks or becoming the acne queen. Specifics are more interesting and the way she words things would give us some indication of how she sees herself and the world.
CE: I'm not sure the opening scene fits with these last two paragraphs. Either could work as the beginning, but now it jumps too much. We get so many elements that I'm not sure where the story is right now, let alone where it's going. What is the main element of the story? Is it about the character's relationship with her mother? Then the conversation with Mom is a great place to start. It is about how the character deals with changes, the list might be a good start.
CE: Either way, Stoney is an interesting character and the first-person voice, written as if she's talking to the reader, works well for teen novels. Simplify your beginning so it's a little more focused, and let other information come out over time. One interesting element and a strong voice is enough to grab the reader. You don't need to introduce everything at once. Click on the click on the "beginnings" link to the right for more thoughts on story openings.
Thanks for sharing! I have a couple more critiques waiting. If you'd like to add yours to the queue, see the guidelines.
You can get a complete manuscript critique starting at $1.50 per page. Get details and recommendations on my website.
