Patrick Whitehurst's Blog, page 22

Shazam the Toyfriend

It's easy to see why these two were the idols of
five-year-olds everywhere.Death, divorce, creditors, court struggles, alcohol, what-have-you; these things happen to almost all of us. But we don't all have a Shazam doll stolen right out from under our noses. Those truly bad things stack up no doubt, but there's always that first bad thing that teaches us to be on the lookout for the next bad thing. For me it had to do with Captain Marvel. Back then, and for this story, I refer to him as Shazam.
Shazam!
That most incredible DC Comics (originally Fawcett Comics) super hero, played in the 1970s by Jackson Bostwick, filled my mentor cup in nearly every way. From his killer cape to the Winnebago Billy Batson tooled around in righting wrongs every Saturday morning on CBS, there was nothing about him I wasn't eating like cake. I was five or six at the time. I even watched the Secrets of Isis just in case Shazam made a cameo.
And then I got him. My very own MEGO doll of Shazam! Back then there were no action figures as there are today. They were still a year or so away I think (thanks Star Wars). I ate those up too of course, G.I. Joe, He-Man, the original Star Wars trilogy, Trek, etc., but prior to that we had MEGO dolls. I had Thor, Conan, Spider-Man, Batman, Cornelius from Planet of the Apes, Captain Kirk, Kiss dolls and Chips dolls. But my first love, my greatest accomplishment, was Shazam!
All is right with the world - so says my new Shazam doll.So much so that I brought him to show and tell at Juan Cabrillo School in Seaside. And I showed him off alright, probably too much. Some other kid obviously felt he needed him more than I. Perhaps he thought I came from a family with more money than his family, where I could simply jaunt out and find a replacement. In either event, I returned from playing in the school yard during the lunch break to find him gone. As I did the whole day, I looked in my desk for a quick reassuring peek of my favorite "toyfriend" only to find him missing. I made a fuss to say the least. I was inconsolable. They had to call my mom. I remember feeling as if the world were crushing around my ears. I wanted to find whoever stole him and pound their little five-year-old face into jelly.
I never saw my Shazam doll again.
Take that, thief!Whether or not my mom tried to find me a replacement I'm not sure. We drove around in a beat up Volkswagen bug with a wooden back bumper and ate TV dinners most nights. I never felt the need to steal at that point in my life, not that I didn't dabble in it (all young children do), despite living in a neighborhood with a hooker on the corner, but we were not in the haves category either.
This is why, almost forty years later, I get all giddy and childlike at the thought of a new Shazam! Not a new TV show or movie, although I hear that's in the works, but because those old MEGO dolls are back on the market – aimed smack dab at aging nerds like me with their own mess of issues, children they want to share a second childhood with, and a general distrust for society.
But we all hit that age where we step back and rethink our own negative outlook, where we seek to rebuild from the bottom up, and find what makes us happy in life before it's too late.
Is that what I'm doing with my brand-spanking new Shazam doll? Beats the hell out of me. Do I feel like I can finally tell that thieving five-year-old bastard to suck it, that I have a newer, better one now?

Totally.
NOTE: I am redefining the definition of toyfriend from that found in the Urban Dictionary because it's within our power, all of us, to do just that.

Mantula in the news: the tarantula is real!

WANTED: MANTULA(Online news article)The tarantula is real!Local media seeks to bury truth

By Kip MooneyVerde Valley Blog News
VERDE VALLEY, Ariz. - While many of you may know me from my former job as a reporter for the Sedona Daily Reader, what you may not know is that I was fired from that position this week. There will be a lot of speculation in the coming weeks as to why I was fired. I am here to clear that up.
First of all, the rumors I was arrested are true. I am now on bail awaiting sentencing thanks to the kindness of my parents. Police found drugs in my apartment when they responded to a disturbance there. They found crystal meth. Do I plan to get help for my addiction? Yes, eventually. I was fired because of the drugs and the arrest combined. But there is another angle to this story that is being buried, one I tried frantically to get my editor to cover, whether I was the lead reporter or not.
I'm talking about the tarantula that keeps popping up in the Verde Valley, from Sedona to Cottonwood. As I got deeper and deeper into my investigation, it seems I was getting close to something I shouldn't have investigated. I got on this thing's radar. I was arrested after that tarantula paid me a personal visit, after that tarantula assaulted me. I have bruises over most of my face and upper body, resulting from an altercation with this thing. It's not simply a tarantula after all, no spider the size of my hand could inflict these kinds of injuries. This thing had super-human strength. But who would believe this? I don't even believe myself half the time and I was there. The bruises are real on my body and face. The news reports and eye-witness accounts of the tarantula (and a quail accomplice) are real. I'm not even the first person to be assaulted by this thing! But the police, my editor; they all want to ignore this important point. What is this thing? That's what I am determined to know. Where did it come from? What does it want? These questions need answered before this terror strikes again.
This story first began at the beginning of monsoon season earlier this summer. The tarantula was spotted falling from the sky by a drone performing operations over Sedona. Later, a tarantula was spotted with a quail near the site of a car wreck on State Route 89A in the red rock community. A tarantula was also spotted near the site of a crash on 89A in Cottonwood, and is believed to have caused the crash, but this time the tarantula was riding atop the quail holding a one hundred dollar bill. At the time the two weren't thought to be connected, until I spoke with Flight Services, LLC, owner Diana Sturgis, who owns the drone that originally caught the tarantula on video. She claims the tarantula that fell from the skies near Coffee Pot Rock was later recorded holding a one-hundred dollar bill as well. Coincidence? Not damn likely.
So despite what anyone may think of me, I am determined to get to the bottom of this mystery. I will not rest until the tarantula has been brought to task for his deeds. I may have lost my job at the newspaper, but thanks to this blog, Kip Mooney will not be silenced. On top of that, again thanks to my parents, I have the funds to offer a little something to anyone who may know something about this mysterious figure. That's right, I am offering $1,500 to anyone with information on the tarantula.
Contact me here at my blog for details.
MANTULA will return.

MANTULA Part Thirty-One: Rebirth of ManQuail Part II

Doug learns of a coming war.Kolbe explained the healing process wasn't one hundred percent foolproof. There were side effects to the reawakening, such as sounding and acting like a drunk-ass fool. Another seemed to be Glenn's odd “pit-pit” noises, which Dymphna said (in her mumbling way) was the sound made by real quails. Not even saints had their amazing God-like abilities down pat apparently. Perhaps there just isn't a good way to bring someone back to life when they've first been turned into a bird due to their addiction to crystal meth.
“Hey man,” Glenn cooed. He lifted a single wing, trying to caress Dymphna's pale cheek. She smiled, which seemed weird on her sullen mug, and let the shaky wing smack at her face. His caresses needed work. “Or girl, I guess. Yer a girl, right? Why you holding me, girl?”
Dymphna whispered to him. Her voice felt soothing in my ears, calming. It even had an effect on me. I suddenly wanted nothing more than to curl into a ball and start snoozing. She could really turn on the charm when she wanted. I doubted Kolbe could say the same. “You can relax right here in my arms. You can rest now,” she said to him.
“Relashashon...” my friend mumbled, then drifted into sleep. He made a few “pit pit” sounds, and then started snoring. Our psychic bond made those snores pretty loud in my head.
“This is likely going to continue for the next day or two until he reorients himself,” Kolbe said. “Be prepared for your mental bond to overwhelm him as well. He will need to learn how to control it again. What you can do, if possible, is exercise a bit of patience and help him out when he needs it. Watch over him a little.”
“He's my friend, Kolbe. I will help him out.”
The man, saint or whatever, cracked a bit of a smile. He craned his neck to the small bowls of vinegar scattered throughout the apartment. “I see that stuff actually helps a bit. Weird how it absorbs negative energy. But there's more to curses than just that. Anyone in a bad mood can create negative energy.”
I sprang to the couch. “It worked enough to bring ManQuail's addiction back full force.”
“And it's made you a little bigger,” Kolbe acknowledged. “You probably haven't noticed, but your larger than any tarantula I've ever seen. The curse is lifting, but only a little, and very slowly. We need to accelerate it.”
“Great. Now I'm a freak of a spider. Bad enough being a regular tarantula with human-sized strength, but grossly large? When can you get me, us, back into our human bodies?”
Kolbe looked surprised. He approached the couch and took a seat next to me. Sitting there next to him didn't make me feel all that reassured about my predicament. I could hear my son in my head, however, urging me to take a deep breath and try to be nice. It's how he would want me to be, whether I wanted to or not.
“Me?” Kolbe said. “I'm afraid you underestimate my capabilities. I can help you understand what happened and steer you in the right direction, but this is a curse we're dealing with. A regular, run of the mill curse, but with something of a twist.”
“Something of a twist. Right.”
Kolbe's voice grew deadly serious. “The soul of Jacki Sturgis must be laid to rest. For the curse to lift, and lift quickly, this must be done. You, her granddaughter Diana, or both of you together, can accomplish this. But it must be done soon. As I've told you, she has an idea you are a threat. She's gathering soldiers to do battle against you.”
“Why would she do this? How can an old dead woman get this powerful?”
Kolbe stared into his hands grimly. Shadows fell upon his sallow cheeks and haunted eyes. “Her granddaughter has told you her story I believe. Her anger, anyone's anger for that matter, can propel a soul into dangerous territory. She wants the curse to persevere. She wants to rain it upon us, Dymphna and I, by sending these afflicted souls to our doorstep. It's growing, you know, the curse is beginning to spread like a shock wave. Soon it will affect those suffering in Flagstaff, in Camp Verde, Prescott and elsewhere. Within a year it could reach the west coast.”
“For what reason?” I asked.
Kolbe shrugged. “Hatred I suppose. Revenge perhaps. It's hard to say. Miserable minds seek to make others know their misery.”
“I didn't ask for any of this. I have my own misery. I just want that back and all of this... I want all of this to go away.”
“You'll have to play a little longer to find that peace, Doug. Help Glenn here to recover and set the soul of Jackie Sturgis to rest.”
Glenn is back!Saint Dymphna appeared beside me on the couch. Silently, she laid Glenn's snoring body beside me. He looked like a regular little quail at that point, almost cute in a way. I watched his feathered chest rise and fall, still amazed he had returned to the land of the living. I wondered how he'd feel come morning. Could be he'd wake up smack dab in the middle of the night screaming for meth. That worried me a little, but I felt confident these saints knew what they were doing, at least a little anyway. With luck he'd give up on the stuff, but I knew it wouldn't be easy.
“I'm ready to leave now, Max.” Dymphna announced.
Kolbe climbed to his feet. “Enjoy this peace and quiet while you can, Mister Lansing. It will soon come to an end.”
“Nice words to leave me with. Thanks for that.”
The two saints made their way out of my crappy little apartment without so much as another word. I was left with a reincarnated quail, my thoughts, and the feeling I was about to go to war.



MANTULA will return

Mantula: The Comic #3

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MANTULA will return!

MANTULA Part Thirty: The Rebirth of ManQuail Part One

Doug finds himself annoyed by a couple of
Catholic Saints.Gagged on pop culture, polluted bydepression, comes Mantula!A special fiction series!
“What the hell are you doing here?” I asked the man, though to be honest I wasn't sure if he'd be able to hear me or not. Seeing as how Glenn and I spoke via a telepathic bond, I kind of doubted he would get so much as a peep from me. His answer, therefore, came as a surprise.
“I've come to give you a hand,” he replied. “And, like your emails, I see your just as obstinate in the real world.”
I laughed. “The real world? Is that what you call this crappy life?”
“Nice to meet you, Doug.”
“Saint Kolbe. What are you doing here? What are you doing with Glenn?” I stared at the young girl. She couldn't have been more than eighteen. Her mousy brown hair, parted dead in the middle, hugged her face in limp strands. Her sallow, pale face barely looked up from the dead quail in her arms.
Saint Kolbe sighed in frustration. He motioned to the young girl to sit. “Why don't you first tell me about your night? I can see it's been a busy one. You two are nothing if not busy bodies.”
I hit an arm against the door to the apartment. It slammed shut, blocking this weird scene from the outside world. I didn't need the neighbors to talk. Kolbe, wearing a gray turtleneck sweater straight out of the 1970s, black slacks, and white loafers, watched me through his round John Lennon glasses.
“There's nothing to tell. Just another wonderful night in Mantula's Crappy Little Apartment,” I answered. “I did kick that bastard reporter's ass tonight if that's what you're talking about.”
He sighed again. The young girl didn't seem to be paying any attention to either of us. Was she mental? “Why do you insist on calling yourself that? I know you think it's what you're son would name you. You're little attack is just making things worse for you, Doug. You're setting a series of events in motion that I don't think I can undo.”
“Undo? You haven't undone a damn thing. For a saint, you're not taking care of much. You don't even send emails in a nice way. And don't talk about my son.”
I could tell the man struggled to stay patient. “Kip Mooney isn't your only enemy, but you can now count him among them. Count on that.”
“The crazy witch ghost. Trust me, I'm aware she isn't a fan.”
“There's another too. Someone you've only met briefly, so briefly you don't even remember. A man who hates spiders because of you, a common street thug. He's been haunted by his encounter with you, Doug. He's been looking for you and the spirit woman knows this. They want you dead.”
To be honest, at that moment I couldn't care less about some thug I'd never met. I couldn't give two craps about the wormy witch or Kip Mooney. Were I human I might have communicated that to Saint Kolbe by showing him my middle finger. As a tarantula, it wouldn't come off right.
Instead I trotted past the odd pair. “I think there's been enough death for one night. Enough talk too. If you two would excuse me, I'm going to go to bed. Kolbe, I'd appreciate it if you ask your friend to put Glenn back on the couch where she found him.”
“You don't have any idea who this is, do you Glenn?”
“Right now I could care less.”
“Dymphna? Would you like to introduce yourself to 'Mantula?'”
So this young little thing held the lofty title of saintliness just like Kolbe – the quiet, unresponsive saint copied on all of Kolbe's emails, the patron saint of mental disorders, finally got involved enough to appear in my living room.
“I'd rather not,” she replied. “He seems like he's in a foul mood. I don't waste my time on cretins.”“Cretins? Why don't you two see yourselves out.”
Kolbe laughed, quietly, but with a hint of stubbornness. “Not just yet.”
“Whatever. Do what you want. I'm going to bed.” Glenn gets touched by a saint.
“Wouldn't you like to say hello to Glenn first?”
I stopped, a little taken back by the man's brazen attitude. Kolbe was no friend of mine, not by a long shot, but I didn't think he was that cold, not being a saint and all. Apparently I was wrong about that. My only real friend, as anyone in the room could see, hadn't take a breath the whole time they'd been there.
“Just give Dymphna here a few minutes and you can,” he said.
Dymphna mumbled. She cradled Glenn's quail body in both hands, but stared directly at me. “Unless you're too sleepy. Then, by all means, go to bed.” Her eyes, the color of jade, seemed to cut right through me.
“What are trying to tell me here? Are you saying...”
Kolbe whispered just as an orange light began to pour from the young girl's palm. “She can bring him back, Doug. For what's coming, you will need your friend's help I think.”
“Bring him back?” I was spellbound by the warmth of the glow coming from her hand. It pulsated orange, then yellow like a morning sun, then a dark orange.
Kolbe explained things as if he were a doctor talking to a patient. “It's not as easy as you think. Had we been an hour later, there would have been no hope, but we got here in time. Lucky for us we didn't have to worry about a locked apartment, with you out getting your anger off, as you left the window open.”
“You can really bring Glenn back from the dead?”
“He won't be himself for a while. Remember that. These things take time and he will have to rest, heal from the death experience for a day or two, but I've taken care of the drugs in his system. I got to that before you arrived. His addiction, however, thanks to the curse's ebbing strength; that will remain.”
“This is unbelievable!” I shouted.
The glow intensified, filling half the room, and before long I heard an odd “pit-pit” noise. The orange glow intensified, then suddenly faded. The quail in her hands burned a hot white in color, but I could hear him in my head. I could hear his voice in my head!

“It's my birfday or sumpin,' right?” he asked. Not sure why but he sounded drunk.  
MANTULA WILL RETURN

Top 5 awesomest things on my desk

1. Steve AustinThere are actually tons of awesome things. The desk itself is awesome (being that's it's an old secretary number, small and compact, with a door that opens to become desk space). The envelopes and stamps are awesome (because they show how prepared I am), but there are five things more awesome than everything else. That makes them the awesomest things.
1. Steve AustinFound at a recent auction at the Goodwill in Salinas, Steve is my best friend and desk monitor. The happy child somewhere in my skull remembers playing with him back when television shows were found on television sets, at a specific time, once a week (as opposed to every episode all at once). Steve guards my stuff with his bionic badassery and represents something I can't put my finger on. My childhood maybe. And his little eye hole is awesome. Crazy awesome.
2. Moleskins2. Moleskin loveMoleskin notebooks aren't the cheapest notebooks in the world, but they feel super. While I spend (a little) more wisely on most things, I still pop for new Moleskins when I run out. But used smartly, these suckers last six months or more. My current one, shaped to the curve of my left buttock, is full of shopping lists, collection lists, to do notes, and a few interesting thoughts, but mostly it reminds me to pay my car insurance and buy milk, which is why I never leave home without first putting it into my back pocket. The soft black cardboard cover feels like silk to the touch. Try it. It really is awesome.
3. The Reading Journal 3. The Reading JournalMantula likes this one too. It's got a book light in it, magnetic book marks, and the journal itself, which carries a running list of every book I've read since owning the journal. I've had it about five years now and still haven't filled it. When I'm feeling really ambitious, usually after a week off work, I might actually write out my thoughts on a particular book within it's pages. Usually I only write a line. But look at the journal (actually the box that holds all the journal crap). It's awesome. Does it really matter how well it's used?
4. Magical thumb, magic lighter4. MagicA fake thumb and a fake lighter. The thumb is capable of so much, but mostly for making small cloth squares disappear. It's a tool to be used when you want to make other people think you're cool. The lighter, amazingly, serves the opposite purpose of most lighters. Instead of fire, it shoots out water. It's just that awesome. It's insanely magical. 5. Ancient dictionary
5. Old dictionary
I still use the 1926 edition of “Webster's Handy-Service Dictionary of the English Language” self-pronouncing edition because it stinks like an old book. And like my Moleskin, the cover (probably made from human flesh) feels smooth to the touch. In its pages are words like “henceforth” and “remonstrate,” while words like “selfie” and “blog” are nowhere. I don't really have a problem with blog (obviously) - or selfie really. But I do at the same time. It's weird. The dictionary doesn't have a definition for awesome, which is a bummer because it is.

MANTULA Part Twenty-Nine: The Death of ManQuail Part Two

Glenn's lifeless body returns to Doug's crappy little apartment.I hauled Glenn back to my crappy little apartment with two of my legs clenched gently around his limp neck. He didn't struggle, come to life and flap around, or otherwise express any indignation at being pulled through the dirt. I couldn't leave him there on the side of the road next to a trash can. He'd probably get munched up by a wild animal or found in the morning and chucked in the trash. I couldn't let that happen. So I brought him back home with one thought circulating like hot lava in my head. Mooney, that nasty prick, would pay.
Who knows how long it took me to get him there under the cover of darkness. I don't remember much of it, but I know I set him on the couch and rested his head on one of the pillows I liked to lay my human head on, back before all this nastiness happened to me. Not just to me, I told myself, but to a lot of people who didn't deserve to have this curse thrust into their miserable lives. Some of us, like Glenn, were better off because of it perhaps. He'd been cured of his meth addiction for a time. But look at him now.
I got on the computer and starting looking for Mooney. I found he'd emailed Glenn to let him know he'd stuck his order in a crevice by the ice cream shop, the usual drop spot, and to let him know he got it. He also said he'd expect payment within the week – a favor for an old friend. It didn't take me long to find his address online. He didn't bother to hide it. One look at his Facebook and I had it memorized. Next I mapped the best route there. Within twenty minutes of returning with ManQuail I was off, alone and determined, to see my friend's dealer. My tarantula body didn't tire like my human body did, though I confess I wasn't altogether there mentally. After visiting Diana's house and learning the story of her witchy grandmother, then finding out ManQuail had already started the curse “decontamination” project, which brought his addiction crawling back to him like a slutty relationship begging forgiveness; it had been a long day.
Kip Mooney would probably be asleep when I got there. At least that's what I figured. He lived in an apartment complex about ten blocks from my own. Using side streets and the cover of what was by now late at night (I had no idea of the time), I made it there in about 20 minutes. He lived in an apartment at the back of the complex, on the ground level, with a small enclosed area next to his front door – sort of a patio area where a washer and dryer could also be found tucked against the far wall. The place looked dark, though a number of nearby apartments were still lit, shining a pale lemon glow on the sliding door that opened to Kip's patio. I scrambled up and over the stucco wall and heard music coming from inside, followed by light female laughter. It seemed Mooney was still up. And he had company no less. Letting my boiling anger lead me, I crept toward the sliding door and pulled it aside, just a smidge, not enough to be noticed, but enough for me to get in. “Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge On Seattle” belted from his iPod speakers. I might have appreciated his affection for Nirvana had he been any other man. But this was the dick who nearly raped Diana Sturgis and doped out my dead best friend. I knew what my son would want me to do, what he'd want Mantula to do, and I wasted no time in doing it.
I smirked. “Here I come, Dope-man.”
There were two girls in the dark apartment when I entered. Both were dark-skinned, black-haired Latinas; their prettiness obscured by black eyeliner and red lipstick. They were topless, stuffing wads of bills into the elastic bands of their hot pink panties. Behind them stood Kip Mooney, also shirtless, and buttoning up his Levis. Sweat covered his thin upper torso. His face, on the other hand, looked scoured and handsome – the perfect lumbersexual asshat. He slid his black eyeglasses onto his face, patted each of the girls on their young, bubbly asses, then saw me.
A wad of cash rained to the carpet from his hands. His mouth opened in shock. “God, it's you. The tarantula!”
Doug gets his revenge on Kip Mooney.I ran for him, letting red rage blind me. I know the girls screamed hysterically. I know Nirvana continued to lament Seattle's death by popularity. Otherwise, I saw only a flurry of hairy legs, all eight, rain hurt on that punk. I only had to point them in the right direction and they took it from there. Blood sprayed the air. Mooney cried out numerous times. He might have landed a blow on me, but I barely noticed. Practicing with the wife beater downstairs made kicking this guy's ass a cakewalk. He had the looks, but no fighting style. At some point during the melee, I bounced off a wall, careened into the little prick drug dealer and knocked him into a cupboard. Little baggies of meth spilled everywhere around him. Stumbling, swinging his arms blindly, Mooney stepped all over them. I doubt he even noticed. The women beat a path out the front door, yelling in Spanish like crazy, and I figured it was time to get out of there before I killed the guy. He deserved no less, but I wasn't sure I was prepared to live with it. I know my son wouldn't approve.
I dashed out the way I came in, Nirvana still blaring behind me, and disappeared into the dark night. A few minutes later I heard sirens. I waited in the bushes for a while until I saw two squad cars pull up to the complex, splashing blue and red lights over the outside walls of the apartments. I wondered what the police would make of all the meth in Mooney's pad.
The rage began to dissipate as I made my way back home. I wasn't sure what to do with Glenn's body. Should I bury him? Should I find a way to take him back home to his parents' place in Camp Verde? ManQuail would probably like that. He felt bad about what he'd done to them. I figured I could get him there, maybe bury him on the property, without them even knowing about it. As it turned out, I wouldn't have to figure out how to get to Camp Verde.
Something happened while I was away. The door to my apartment was open. All the lights were on and I could see movement inside. Cautiously, I made my way up the stairs and peeked around the corner. There were two people inside my crappy little apartment, one a teenage girl by the looks of it, and the other an older man with round spectacles, quite old-fashioned, perched on the bridge of his nose. The girl carried the body of ManQuail in her arms. The man watched her, a concerned look on his face, and that's when I recognized him. He knew I was there too. He pivoted around the girl and looked right at me, his face a grim mask of annoyance.
“I see you've finally decided to grace us with your presence,” said Saint Maximilian Kolbe.
MANTULA will return

MANTULA Part Twenty-Eight: The Death of ManQuail part one

Doug finds Glenn at the ice cream shop.My mood could have been a hell of a lot better.
It was better, in fact, before reading those emails between Kip Mooney and Glenn. It was all my fault. Not the curse of course. That was thanks to the wormy witch, but meeting up with ManQuail, letting him help me out, bringing him out here to Cottonwood from Sedona. That was all me. Had I left him alone he would have been a happy little quail with only a slight recollection that he was once a totally messed up sack of humanity. But I brought his humanity out of him. Because the curse didn't work on me the way it worked on others. Just being around me brought him back the memories of the former meth fiend he once was.
It was on me to bring him back from this, to keep him out of trouble. Only keeping an addict from his addiction isn't the easiest thing in the world to accomplish. It's probably the hardest thing. When people talked about meth cities in Arizona, they almost always talked about Cottonwood. Prescott probably came in a close second. These weren't boasting rights by a long shot.
I didn't know much about meth except never to get wrapped up in it. Not everyone managed to keep it out of their bodies, however, for whatever reasons they had. My life taught me enough not to judge others whose paths were their own. But this is a “reward” drug we're talking about, the dopamine orgy, exploding with euphoric jam, which makes getting off pretty hard. I knew enough about it to know getting on it meant you probably wouldn't get off.
What makes it even nastier, as we all know, is how paranoid, and just plain mental, methers get after a while. Chemical nastiness attacks the mouth, making an apocalyptic tongue-scape dentists have nightmares about, and folks start tearing apart their own flesh to rid themselves of the “bugs” that burrow under their skin. It's just nasty shit.
With luck I'd head ManQuail off at the pass and get to him before it was too late. I made good use of my human-sized abilities, mixed with my eight legs, to bound over fences and charge down the sides streets as fast as possible, maybe not as fast as a quail with a jones, but fast enough. The rain let up a little, which helped me stick to the streets and not get bogged down in puddles. I could see the traffic on State Route 89A ahead of me, flashes of headlights and tail lights shot past like warp drives on space ships. The ice cream shop sat on the other side, which meant I'd have to cross the busy roadway. I felt pretty confident I'd get to him before he'd get a chance to partake in the drug.
When a gap presented itself, I made my break for it. With luck, all anyone would see was a small blob running across the road. If anyone did see it, they'd probably think I was a rat or something, definitely not a tarantula. Then again, thanks to Kip Mooney's news stories, it could be people were on the lookout for a wild-acting tarantula in this part of town. I ducked under a bush upon making it safely across the street just to be sure no one saw me and got curious. I could see the neon glow of an ice cream cone a block away. Setting off for my destination, I looked around in every dark crevice I came across for Glenn, but didn't see him. The closer I got the more frantic I became. There was no sign of a twitchy little quail anywhere.
When I'd finally made it outside the business, and climbed atop of a concrete wall that offered a good view inside, I scanned inside. I didn't really expect ManQuail and Mooney to be doing their business inside the place, next to moms and daughters and cub scout troops, but you never know. There wasn't anyone in there, save an old man sitting alone in the corner, and two pimply-faced teenagers inside. I took my search to the parking lot outside. There was no sign of Kip's Subaru in the parking lot. I started to think I was too late, or possibly too early, when I happened to glance across the street. That's when I saw a secondice cream place, packed with young families, directly opposite the one I once took my son to. I was looking around like an idiot at the wrong place.
The death of ManQuail part one.Without a moment's hesitation, I charged into the road and dove right into traffic. This time I found myself dodging the giant behemoths. A cattle truck roared right over my back, shaking my ugly little body like an earthquake, and barely avoided getting squished by a the front tires of a Prius right after. Weaving and dodging kept me from being a pancake, but it took more time to cross this time. I'd already wasted so much of it looking in the wrong place that I began to worry. After making it across the street, I found a clump of old newspaper in the gutter, stuck in a storm drain by the curb, and hid there for a moment to get my bearings. This side of 89A offered very little when it came to hiding spots. When I figured the coast was clear, I crawled up and over, then made my way to the parking area on the side of the fifties style ice cream chain. That's when I heard a giggle in my head. It sounded far away at first, but I was able to hone in on it pretty quick. I could tell I was too late.
A half block up the road, a black shape stumbled and fell into an old metal trash can. The shape was small, just the size of a small bird that rarely flew. It's stumbling gait indicated a stoned bird that rarely flew. I ran toward him and could hear the giggling turn to rambling sentences. I passed a baggy of white crystalline powder nearby, what remained of his meth, and kept going. When I got there, Glenn lay on his side against the trash. His feathered breast rose up and down feverishly. His eyes were wide open, nearly bugging out of his skull.
I put one of my legs on his shoulder. “Glenn, it's me. I'm here. What the hell were you thinking?”
The panting increased as he looked at me, but his eyes seemed to shrink in his skull, then widen again, with every breath he took.
“What are you talking about, man?” he replied. “I've never felt better.”

With that, he stopped breathing altogether. I could feel his chest deflate with my leg on it. ManQuail was gone.
MANTULA will return.

MANTULA Part Twenty-Seven: Getting some

'Woman in a Red Dress' by Edvard Munch.Gagged on pop culture, polluted bydepression, comes Mantula!A special fiction series!I thought I'd be a bad ass like I was with the downstairs neighbor, but it ended up a little differently this time. For one thing, Sturgis has some bad ass qualities going on all by herself. Turns out Mantula's help wasn't needed.
Pushing open the window just enough to allow me to slip inside, I dropped silently into a dark bedroom and quickly made my way to the hallway where we'd seen the ghost of Jacki Sturgis, Diana's gnarly witch of a grandmother, only an hour or so earlier. I kept my stick legs crossed (in my head anyway) that she wouldn't make another appearance any time soon. Her creepiness still made me shiver like a little schoolgirl. Plus I wanted to get in quietly, not being chased by a worm-ridden corpse that could vanish into thin air.
By the time I made it into the hallway, thankfully without the appearance of any ghost, I realized Diana had things well in hand. Keeping to the corner of the entryway into her living room, I could see Kip Mooney sprawled on the ground, clutching his balls and writhing in pain. Diana stood over him, her hands on her hips, looking beautiful in her red dress. I retreated back and made my way into the kitchen unseen. I had visions of Edvard Munch's painting Woman in a Red Dress in my head for some reason, only the red dress in the painting left a lot more to the imagination than Diana's dress, which was fine with me. Like that painting though, she had a calm look about her, but anyone in that room could feel the fierceness pouring from her soul.
“Jesus, Diana! What did you do that for?” Mooney cried. His voice sounded a bit higher than before. Not surprising. She didn't seem like a woman to take lightly. Doug gets his legs on a steak knife.
“I told you. No one paws me,” she replied. “You need to get the hell out of here.”
He panted, trying to speak through the pain. “But what about working together? The tarantula and the quail.”

“I really don't want to lay eyes on you again, Mr. Mooney.”
I sprang to the kitchen counter at that point with an idea. Near the kitchen sink I came across a small steak knife, which made my idea even easier. I didn't have to look for a knife drawer. Scooping it up, I made my way to the kitchen window and jumped outside into the rain. I may not have been able to deck the bastard myself, but I wanted a little something I could call my own. So I made my way to his car, leaping the lakes of chocolate milk with ease. By the time I got onto his hood and dropped to the other side of his Outback, I could hear voices from Diana's front door. It took a few seconds, but I got that steak knife jammed into the front driver's side tire quite nicely. For a little tarantula with the strength of a human, it was easier than you might think, though still a little challenging. Will power probably had a lot to do with my success. Air hissed from the slit when I yanked the knife free. Footsteps splashed in the mud nearby, so I made my way under the car as Kip came to the passenger door. By the time he got the car started, I was already into the yard again. He drove off into the downpour, not realizing he'd have a flat by the time he reached his house.
I watched him leave, then made my way to Diana's front door. She stood at the threshold when I turned around, staring at the steak knife in my legs.
“Tell me you didn't stick that in his tire?” she asked.
I dropped the steak knife at her feet.
Diana sighed, her chest heaving under the soft fabric of her dress. “You know I don't need anyone's help when it comes to situations like that? I can take care of myself.”
I turned to leave, not regretting what I did in the least, when Diana called out to me. I turned around to stare at her once again. Heavy rain pelted me.
“I can take care of myself as I said, but I appreciate you looking out for me. See you soon, Doug.”At that point, I could have skipped home. Instead I took my time, thinking about life and curses and everything in between. At my size it was easy to find shelter from the storm and I wanted a little time to contemplate things before getting back to my crappy little apartment.
By the time I bounced into the window, I found that Glenn had been a busy bee. Somehow he managed to get a half dozen saucers from the cupboard and filled them with vinegar to absorb the negative energies of the curse. He wasn't wasting any time. As I made my way to the closest saucer I could see a film of black oil on the top. Curse goo? Who knows. What I could tell was that even I, who wasn't affected the same as everyone else, felt light-headed, and possibly (I know this sounds weird) bigger. It was as if my spider-body were growing larger.
“Glenn? Are you up?” I got no answer and went looking in his room. He wasn't there. I went to the computer, my new routine I suppose, to see if there was anything new from Kolbe. I found ManQuail's email on my screen. He'd gotten into his Gmail while I was gone. I wasn't trying to be snoopy, but a certain email caught my eye – an email from Kip Mooney of all people. Curious, I opened it.
“Give me about an hour it,” it read. “I got a flat tire. Got to fix it. Glad to hear from you, man. I thought you were dead in a ditch somewhere this whole time. Meet me at the ice cream place on 89A.”
Even more curious, I clicked the earlier message Glenn had sent to him.
“Dude, it's me. I know it's been about a year or so, but you still got a hook-up? I can meet anytime.”

ManQuail had gone off in search of meth. I looked behind me at the black goo collecting on the vinegar saucers. It had to be a byproduct of the curse. It wasn't lifted entirely, not by a long shot, but it had lifted enough. Just enough for Glenn's addiction to surface. I couldn't quite picture what a quail hopped up on meth would look like, but I doubted it would be anywhere close to as funny as it sounded.
Mantula will return!

MANTULA Part Twenty-Six: Peeping Doug

How Mantula thinks Diana sees him.There's something of a peeping Tom in all of us.
Humans are inclined to know what others of our kind are up to. We pay attention to trends, which are just indicators for us to know what we should be buying, how we should dress, what cell phones we should save up for – all based on what others humans are buying. The rich, the famous, those we know and are jealous of, the cool and the hip, we want to know what they're up to. We want to know what they're wearing, what they're listening to on their iPods, what type of iPod they're using for that matter, whether it's their phone or whatever. The allure of cold cash consumerism is the best example I can think of to justify the weirdly erotic feeling we humans get from spying on others. Leave the curtains open at night and be sure someone will look inside as they drive by. Those who say they don't do it are just fooling themselves. That's not to say we're all looking to see something filthy and nasty, though it's not far from the truth, but we look just because we can. We look to see what our neighbors are up to. We look to see if our lives are better than theirs. Usually there's no comparison. Theirs is better. They're doing something more fun, with cooler things, and with better looking people than I've ever done. Especially lately.
The idea we all do it, that peeping is simply a part of the human condition, similar to taking a dump or yawning when tired, helped me sneak around the outside of Diana's house that evening. I found a clump of rose bushes in the front yard and scaled through the interior, avoiding thorns, until a relatively dry spot presented itself. There I settled down, thankful the monsoon couldn't reach me for the time being, and waited for the arrival of the reporter Kip Mooney. ManQuail had probably made it back to our crappy little apartment by now, I figured, and was settling in for the evening nice and warm. I'd have to pay the bills soon or we'd lose the place, not to mention having the electricity turned off, but I could do it all online, which helped. Mailing bills, for a tarantula, isn't that easy. I could do it any time I wanted, which freed me up to be a peeping tom when the need arose.
I'm not sure what I was hoping to see, or what I was hoping not to see, but I felt pretty damn sure I was doing the right thing. Getting back to my crappy little apartment would be a breeze. For a tarantula like me, who retained the strength of a human, I could be back there in ten minutes. On top of that, I could fight off whatever predators happened to cross my path. And speaking of predators...
An older model Subaru Outback pulled up to the sidewalk outside of the Sturgis home. In the gloom, I couldn't make out the color, probably gray, but I could tell the thing had seen better days. Mooney popped from the driver's side, slammed the door closed, and made his way around the front of the vehicle quickly so not to get soaked before seeing Diana. A pang of jealousy gripped me.
The reporter had the hipster look going on full tilt. He certainly didn't look like a meth dealer. A short haircut, slicked back with expensive vintage hair gel no doubt, and a full beard complemented a muscular physique adorned in tight black jeans and a fitted red and green flannel shirt. To top off the ensemble, he wore black rimmed glasses – Mooney basically killed the pseudo lumberjack-intellectual look, or slaughtered the Harry Potter-grunge-Amish fusion idea, depending on one's outlook. I found it a bit too metrosexual for my tastes, but maybe Diana would like it. I had no idea her tastes after all. Tarantulas weren't likely on the list, that I knew. A date with an arachnid, no matter how well spoken, would be met with no small measure of reluctance I was sure.
Diana opened the door for him wearing a red dress that made my heart go aflutter. I wasn't the kind of guy to get so weird about a woman that I forgot myself, but that's exactly what happened when I saw her. I forgot about my tarantula body, that I wanted to be dead, about everything really, but just for a moment. She filled my everything. Her serious, but elegant features, dark hair and curvy body. Everything looked perfect, I suddenly wanted to leap from the rose bush and knock that bastard Mooney unconscious. But what would that gain me? What would any of it gain me actually?
I began to doubt why I was there, hiding in a stupid rose bush, while Mooney entered Diana's home, and would probably enter her in no time flat.
The rain poured around me. Drops fell on my hairy body as I faced the dark monsoon, staring blankly into the storm. The storm brought a soothing quality into the evening, despite the damp chill. Random flashes of jagged, dangerous lightning lit the darkening sky. Throughout the neighborhood gutters gurgled and slurped. Water ran rampant down the street and muddied the yards. They were quickly turning into oversized lakes the color of chocolate milk.
Doug begins to question what he wants in life.I'm not sure how long I stared into the storm, paralyzed by my own sense of nothingness, embarrassed that I was concerned, and falling for, a woman I barely knew, and one who's grandmother was to blame for my mess. It wasn't that long ago I sat alone and sick in my crappy little apartment. Did I want that back? Did I want to shun the world? Part of me did. There was another part of me, however, that wanted to know more about Diana, that wanted to help those that, for whatever reason, could no longer care for themselves. Many were like me, I figured, able to care for themselves, but without any desire to. There were many out there whop suffered from the curse of Grandma Sturgis. They were unaware a cure could be found. I was that cure. An ugly, spider of a man that would make women and men, like Diana and Mooney, run screaming in the opposite direction.
As if to illustrate my point, a muffled scream pierced through the monsoon, jarring me back to reality. It ended as soon as it came, but I had no doubt it came from within the Sturgis home. I scrambled out of the rose bush and made my way to the closest window. As I got to the window sill, I heard muffled voices inside.
“Diana, please. Dressed like that, inviting me over for dinner, what else should I expect? I just hate formalities. I'm a newsman. I want to get right down to business.”
“No one paws me like that, Kip. Who do you think you are?”
“I'm Kip Mooney.”
“Please, put your shirt back on.”
“Why don't you take your dress off. You'll be glad you did.”
Diana's voice began to sound a little nervous. I started pushing the window open. “You need to get the hell out of here.”
“Make me,” Mooney said.
She wouldn't have to make him. I would.

Mantula will return!