Pembroke Sinclair's Blog, page 26

Battling the Blues

Working at home has a lot of advantages. It means I have a flexible schedule for when the boys need to get to practices or appointments. It means I don’t have to put on real clothes (or shower or brush my teeth), although I do, every day.

But it also has a downside. Right now, as I go through training, all my time is focused on work. For the past month or so, I’ve worked way past 40 hours. My evenings are work, and so are my weekends. I haven’t had much of a life away from computer. I certainly haven’t had any energy (or time) to write.

It’s been really tough. One of the biggest downsides to working at home is that you’re never away from work. I don’t leave an office building and leave my work behind. It’s always there, waiting for me.

That, of course, is the challenge working at home—finding that balance between life and work. Sadly, there hasn’t been a balance at all recently. The scales are definitely tipped in favor of work. However, I’ve been assured by several different people that once I’m done with training, I will be able to have a life again. I hope so. I can’t keep going like this. I’m exhausted.

When I get this tired, I fall into despair. I feel like nothing’s ever going to change and I’m going to be miserable forever. It’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when I’m in this mood. And I’m sure it’s there, it’s just waaaaaaaaay out in the distance. All I can do is take it day to day, so that’s what I’m going to do.

Despite the fact that I haven’t had a moment to put words onto paper (with the exception of a few blog posts), I have been making progress with some of my writing. For example, my grandfather-in-law’s biography has been sent to an editor, and I’m supposed to get edits back the first week of September.

I’ve decided that I’m going to self-publish that book. I’ve sent it to multiple publishers, and none of them are interested. Not a biggie. I totally understand. I could keep sending out queries and hoping someone eventually decides to pick it up, but my grandfather-in-law is 91. My husband and I talked about it, and we figured that getting the book out sooner rather than later is probably the best plan. I will keep you updated when it’s available.

I’m expecting Humanity’s Hope to come back from the editor any day now. I emailed it at the beginning of August. From there, I have no idea what the timeline looks like, but it will be one step closer. I’m pretty excited about that. Maybe it will encourage me to get to work on the sequel—assuming I can find time and keep my eyes open.

Back to School

Today is the boys’ first day back to school. I can’t tell you how excited I am! It’s only a half day, but I’ll take it. The past two weeks have been a bit challenging. The boys have been getting on each other’s nerves and fighting. And not just yelling fighting. Oh, no. Knock down drag outs. It’s been super fun.

The boys are excited to go back too. I’m letting them ride their bikes to school this year (I will be riding with them for safety), and they are super stoked about that. They got to get bike locks and everything. As I type this, they are outside preparing to go—even though we aren’t leaving for another 15 minutes. They were so thrilled they were going to skip breakfast! But I wouldn’t let them.

It makes me happy that the boys are excited to go to school. It makes it that much easier to do something they have to do. I’m sure as the school year goes on their enthusiasm will wane, but for right now, the new school year is exciting.

For me, it’s almost like Halloween. The thought of having a quiet house to get my work done makes me giddy. Hooray for school!

Publishers versus Self-published

Remember back in the day when it was a big deal to say you were self-published? Remember how people would look down their noses and harumph or snort? Remember how authors were viewed as less than real because they were self-published? Well, things have changed a bit from those days, and self-publishing isn’t as stigmatized as it used to be.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s still some who look down their noses at self-pubs, but it isn’t as bad as it once was. With more and more authors going that route, self-publishing is not going away any time soon.

Self-publishing changed the publishing industry. No longer was it a game of the “special” and the “elite,” anyone could put their book in the world. Some argued that was a bad thing because then the market was flooded with terrible, awful books. It cheapened the industry. But who are they to decide? Reading is a subjective business, what you think is terrible, someone else might really enjoy. It’s all about taste.

Then, there was the argument that in the rush to get a book out, authors would skip the all-important editing step and put out whatever they had. This may or may not be true. I’ve read some books in my day that were terribly edited, and they weren’t necessarily self-published. I’ve read books from big publishers and indie publishers, as well as self-pubbed, that had some issues in them. Mistakes happen. No one is perfect. So it’s not just a self-pub problem, it’s an industry problem. You as the reader have to decide if you can overlook the issues to enjoy the book—no matter how they were published.

I’ve never been against self-publishing, but it wasn’t something I thought about doing until recently. After Booktrope closed its doors, I couldn’t bring myself to try to find another publisher. The thought of sending out queries was daunting—and I was exhausted before I even started. I figured that since everything was already done, I might as well put the books back out myself.

I have to admit, it’s wonderful self-publishing your book. It’s nice to be in control. It’s nice to have the analytics at my fingertips. It’s fantastic knowing exactly how much I’m getting in royalties. It’s nice being able to decide when to put my books on special and to decide the sales price.

There is a downside to self-publishing, and that’s the cost. As an author, it’s important to make sure I put out the best possible work, and that means paying an editor to make sure my book is the best it can be, along with paying a cover designer to make sure my book looks good. I know how to format, I had done it in a previous job, but if you don’t know how, you’d have to pay someone to handle that for you.

That can get expensive. And there’s no guarantees you’ll make it back in sales.

In addition to expense, there’s also the time you have to invest. As a self-published author, you are responsible for putting your books up on the various sales sites. You can always go the route I went and just put them up at Amazon so you don’t have to worry about other venues. It makes things a lot easier, but it could potentially hurt you in sales.

Having a publisher, even an indie one like me, means that the vast majority of that stuff is taken care of for you. I don’t have to pay an editor or a cover designer because that’s part of my contract. I don’t have to worry about putting my books up on the sales sites because the publisher takes care of that.

But there are downsides there, too. I don’t get to keep track of my sales. I don’t get to see how much in royalties I get until I get a report. I don’t get to decide when to put the books on sales. Granted, I can mention to the publisher the times I would like to do that and we can work together to decide if that’s the best option.

However, another bonus of having a publisher is the support system that exists. There’s other authors, editors, cover designer, proofreaders, etc., who are there to make sure me and my book are successful. But you know what? That exists with self-published authors too.

There’s give and take when it comes to being a published author, and I have to decide what’s best for me—just like every author has to decide what’s best for them. Don’t ever knock someone for wanting to self-publish their book or if they decide to go with an indie publisher because everyone has their reason for doing what they do.

Zombie Movies Aren't Dead...They Aren't Even Undead

A while ago, I want to say at the end of 2015, maybe (I’m terrible with time), I was making an attempt to get Life After the Undead optioned for a movie. When Booktrope was still in operation, they partnered with a film agency, so I submitted my work. They rejected it, but I didn’t give up. I figured I would see what kind of options I could find on my own.

I found some small companies that produced movies and sent some queries. The vast majority of them didn’t write back, but one did, and was so helpful in answering my questions. Unfortunately, none of my work made it past the querying stage, and the wonderful, amazing owner of the company informed me that zombie movies are a hard sell and that no one is making them nowadays.

I was bummed about that bit of information. No zombies movies? What? Say it ain’t so! There were a few still coming out. This was around the time Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse was going to the theater, and then after that came Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. However, there hasn’t been much since. The appeal of zombie films has slowed down.




However, it hasn’t died. In fact, it’s not even undead. There’s still plenty of carnage on the horizon. First and foremost on that list is The Girl with All the Gifts. I had the opportunity to read this book, and it was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. I’m excited for the film.


And at some point, World War Z 2 is supposed to be coming out.

So, am I pissed that the producer told me they aren’t making any more zombie movies? Maybe a little, but film making, like publishing, is a for-profit business, and they want to take on projects that will be successful and make money. This was my first attempt at writing a screenplay, and if I learned anything from it, it’s that I suck. On top of that, I’m a nobody, so no one will take a chance on me.

But enough of the pity party. My point is that zombie movies are continuing to come out, and they are changing the genre. The creatures are evolving and changing, and that’s incredibly exciting. I can’t wait to see what they become.

I’ve Been so Exhausted

Well, it’s been a little over a month since I started my new job, and I’m enjoying it, but it’s exhausting. Of course, training for a new position always is. I keep telling myself that once I make it through this part, the rest will be smooth sailing.

Because I’ve been so tired, I’ve been neglecting doing other things in my life, like writing. The thought of using my brain to put words to paper either makes me want to fall to the ground to throw a temper tantrum or my eyelids get super heavy and I can’t move.

However...

Over the weekend, I did manage to get some writing done. It wasn’t much, but it was better than a tantrum. I’m currently working on the sequel to Humanity’s Hope, which (as you may recall—but it’s okay if you don’t) is another young adult zombie series I’m working on.

I sent Humanity’s Hope to the publisher earlier this week, and I was told the editor should get started on it next week. We shall see how that goes, and as always, I will keep you informed about the progress.

Until then, I’m going to keep plugging along and doing what I can do. I hope you do the same.

Finding New Inspiration from an Old Source

After my publisher Booktrope announced that it was going to close its doors, I went through a really tough time. In some ways, I’m still going through it. I’ve questioned my legitimacy as a writer and have been wondering if it’s what I should be doing.

One of the things that has plagued my mind is that my books seem too short. I look at all these other books in the young adult genre—the bestsellers like the Twilight series, the Hunger Games, and the Divergent series—and they are these really thick, big books. Mine, on the other hand, top out at a little over 200 pages—if I’m lucky. Some are a tad shorter.

Am I doing something wrong? Should my books be longer?

I’ve attempted to make my books longer, but they end up being just words without meaning. Every word that is put into a story should further the plot in some way, but I find that I’m just sticking things in there to make the book longer. Surely, that can’t be the right way to do it either.

It was frustrating and disheartening. I was convinced this was why I would never be a well-known author with movie deals. I put down my pen (yes, I still write my first draft longhand with a pen and paper) and tried to figure out what to do. I also decided to go back to a source of inspiration that encouraged me to become a writer in the first place.

When I was in junior high and high school, one of my favorite authors of all time was Christopher Pike. He wrote these amazingly dark young adult books that I devoured. I decided to pick up a few again and reread them to see if they still had the same effect on me as they did back then.

There’s an inherent danger going back and rereading something from your past. It’s possible that time and experience will change how you view those stories, and they may not hold the same power they once did. In a way, you’re viewing them through a new set of eyes, and they might not be the same book they had once been.

This was absolutely not the case when I went back to read these books. They were still just as powerful and amazing as I remembered them being.

What Christopher Pike did when he was writing his books was start a new trend in YA stories. He didn’t back away from controversial teen issues like drugs, drinking, and sex—they were right there on the page (not in vivid detail, granted, but present nonetheless). He talked to teens on their level, he didn’t treat them like idiots, and they loved it. I loved it. I still love it.

I also loved how his books dealt with the supernatural and alien beings. They were horror without being in-your-face scary. His books encouraged and inspired the dark within me.

And most of his books aren’t much longer than 200 pages.

As I thought more about it, I decided that it’s not the length of the book that matters. A story needs to be told in however many words it needs to be told in. If it takes 300+ pages, so be it. But if it takes less, that’s fine too.

One of the things I enjoyed and still enjoy about Pike’s books is that I can read them in a relatively short amount of time. I can immerse myself in the worlds he’s created and get to know the characters, but I don’t necessarily have to spend a long time doing it. If I want (and I have) to finish a book in an afternoon, I can. And it’s amazing. They are the perfect afternoon getaway, then I have the opportunity to move on to another world or get back to the real one. (The latter is usually the case. I have a family to take care of.)

That’s something that can’t always be done with longer works. However, with longer books, readers have the opportunity to be immersed in these magical worlds for a lot longer. They aren’t confined to an afternoon, they are there for days or weeks—maybe even months. Reading is supposed to be escapism, and sometimes we readers don’t want to come back to the real world, so having a longer work fulfills that need.

There’s no wrong or right way to write a book. Well, there is, so I should probably phrase it that there are no rules to the limit on how long a story should be. If the story is only 200 pages, it’s only 200 pages. If it’s longer or shorter, it’s longer or shorter.

What it boils down to is I have to write the book I want to write, and that book is one that I would want to read and enjoy in an afternoon. Again, there’s nothing wrong with longer works, they obviously appeal to a lot of people, but they just aren’t my thing.

Is that the reason I haven’t reached stardom and have movie producers and agents knocking down my door? Maybe. It’s possible it’s also my subject matter. Maybe my stories don’t appeal to what the world is looking for in a book. But I’m fine with that. I’ve always been the type of person who marched to the beat of my own drummer. Since I was little, I’ve been told that I’m weird because I didn’t always follow the status quo. That doesn’t discourage me, in fact, it propels me forward.

Being different means I have a unique way of looking at the world, and I try to put those ideas into my stories. So I may never be famous, and that’s okay. There are still readers out there who enjoy my books. And that’s all I can ask for. I’m not going to betray who I am because it might make me famous. Again, I’m going to write the stories I want to write. That makes it more fun.

The Emotional Roller Coaster that is Writing

This is something I’ve talked about before, but I feel it bears repeating. Being an author is an emotional roller coaster ride. It is filled with highs and lows, and both of them can be extreme. But how do you cope when you’re in one of these moments?

Every author has their moment of being on top of the world. Whether it’s getting their book accepted by a publisher, reaching a certain amount of sales, or perhaps even getting a movie deal, something will happen at some time to make the author feel invincible. And this high can last for a long time—days, months, years, even. When things are going well, it’s easy to be inspired and motivated. I know that readers are waiting for my work, so I go out of my way to get it to them.

When things aren’t going so well, when it’s a low period, it’s harder to find that motivation and inspiration. This low can come in many forms: rejections, a bad review, sales not going as well as planned, whatever. If you’re like me, it just might be a cycle of your writing. Some days I’m highly motivated, others I’m not. On those other days, I might feel guilty about not getting any writing done, which pushes me into a low.

Getting through these times is a bit trickier. There doesn’t seem to be anything out there that inspires or motivates me. In fact, most things just end up pissing me off and making me wonder why I’m writing at all. So how do I push through?

I’m going to be honest: I don’t always push through. Recently, I’ve been in a low cycle. I’ve sat down numerous times to work on a story, and nothing comes. I can’t put words on the paper. So I don’t. I do something else. I pick up a book or watch TV or hang out with my kids. Sure, I feel bad about not writing, which then upsets me and I think that I’ll never write another book in my life and I’ll just fade into obscurity but what does it matter because no one reads my books anyway...and on and on.

But if nothing’s there to write, why force it? And I think that’s the important thing to remember. Writing for me is supposed to be fun, it’s supposed to be an escape. I’ve made peace with the fact long ago that I was never going to get rich off my stories. I’ve known for a while that I won’t find an agent and get published by a big house—and I’m fine with that. I’ve re-evaluated what it means to me to be successful.

However, when writing stops being fun, that’s when I need to take a step back. Highs and lows will happen no matter what. I’m an author, I’m an emotional and passionate person, and those emotional swings are exhausting. When I get tired, I need to take time to re-energize and recoup.

It’s okay to take a break from writing. It’s okay to be sad during the low times. But always keep in mind that they won’t last forever—just like the high times won’t. And I’m not going to say to keep the high times in mind, to remember how fantastic they sure, because, yes, they were wonderful and fantastic and amazing, but if you’re like me, when they aren’t there, it can be even more depressing. If you’re like me, you might think they are never coming back. I absolutely appreciate the high times and I hope to have more in the future, but sometimes it’s hard to see the forest for the trees.

Through it all, however, I am always grateful the for friends, readers, and fans that I have. Without you, I definitely wouldn’t be where I am today.

In the end, I’m the one who has to decide how to move forward. I’m the one who decides how deeply the highs and lows will affect me. The most important thing to remember is that I have to do what is best for me and what makes me the happiest.
How do you make it through the highs and lows?

New Adventures and New Schedules

Last week, I started a new job. It’s a work-at-home editing job, so it’s quite a change from what I’m used to. (I used to go to an office every day for work, and I’d have to dress nice. Now, I don’t have to shower if I don’t want to [although I normally do] and I can hang out in my sweatpants [heaven!].) I wanted a stay-at-home job, and I searched for a long time before I found this one.

Whenever I tell people I’ll be working at home, they usually have two reactions: 1. You’re so lucky. I want to do that and 2) I would never be able to get anything done at home. I’d get too distracted with other things.

It’s definitely been an adjustment. Working at home means that my kids are generally here with me. We’ve already talked about ground rules and times when I can’t be bothered, but it’s still a challenge—especially when the boys get bored and start messing/fighting with each other.

I’ve been trying to find things to keep them busy, such as chores, but that lasts for only so long. If anyone has any ideas, shoot them my way!

I generally don’t get distracted very easily. I’m a Type A personality, so I’m pretty good about getting to work and staying focused. I try to schedule my day so that I can get everything done and take breaks when I need to. One thing about working from home is that you never have to stop working. I could be doing something all hours of the day, so it’s important to find a good work/life balance.

And the company I work for is a big promoter of that. They are amazing about training and giving me the skills I’ll need to be successful, but they also encourage me to have fun. Some days I can’t believe I actually found this amazing job.

My writing hasn’t been going very well lately. Part of it is because of the schedule change, but the other part is just being too tired, which can be partly attributed to the schedule change. My brain feels like it’s in a fog, so when I sit down to put words on the page, nothing comes. I’m sure it’s just a phase. I’m sure once I get settled and get some rest, the creativity will flow freely. And if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

All in all, I’m very happy with where I’m at right now. I know once I get settled in, this is going to be the best option for me, and I’m looking forward to it.

The Things I Do to Put Myself Out There

I always get nervous before I do a presentation or workshop. But recently, I discovered that the host can say one sentence and put me on the brink of panic. That sentence?

“We cater mostly to a geriatric crowd.”

Yes, this sentence was actually spoken to me before I was about to present. I almost lost my mind. Seriously. I had been scheduled to do my Women and Slasher Film presentation, and this was the crowd I could expect. What? I’m pretty dang sure the host saw the worry on my face because he immediately started trying to make me feel better. He said things like, “It’s going to be fun, don’t worry.”

“You’ll do awesome.”

“The purpose of the humanities is to introduce people to new things, so this will help them stretch their boundaries.”

I tried to let his words make me feel better, but I could tell from the look on his face that he wasn’t exactly convinced either. But at that point, there wasn’t much either of us could do. I was scheduled to go in a few minutes. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t run away. Forty-two people showed up for that presentation.


I tried to keep my shakes to a minimum. I was given a podium to put my bottled water on, and I don’t usually use them because I have a tendency to pace, but I used it this time. I needed something to keep me steady. As I got into my speech, I began to relax. I had to pace back and forth to play the movie clips from the computer, so that helped loosen me up too. No one got up and walked out and no one yelled at me from the audience, so I considered that a win.


At the end, several people came up to me and continued to talk horror movies and told me how much they enjoyed my talk. It made me feel good. Participants also had the option to fill out a survey. Out of those who did, only three said they didn’t enjoy the presentation. And that could have happened at any event, not necessarily one that catered to a geriatric crowd. I considered that a win too.


One of the things I really enjoy about giving presentations and workshops is that I get to meet new and amazing people. This was a really good lesson for me to not judge my audience beforehand. I never know what will appeal to some and not to others. And as far as horror fans go, they are numerous and diverse.

Most days, I’m not even sure why I do presentations and workshops. I have anxiety and social anxiety, so being in front of people is an incredibly scary prospect. Did I say scary? I meant terrifying. For days before the event, I’ll worry about it. My stomach will have both butterflies and knots. I’ll worry about all the things that could possibly go wrong. On the day, as I wait for the time to begin, I’ll feel like I’m going to throw up.

Then, as I start talking, all of that goes away. I become focused on my topic and excited to share my research with others. I ask them questions and expect them to be involved. I crack jokes and answer their questions. It’s not exactly a high that I get from doing workshops because I don’t walk out of there feeling euphoric. I just like to share my research with others, and I enjoy when they learn.

It’s a weird space to be in. Before I go in front of the audience, I always wonder why in the hell I’m doing it. I always tell myself that will be the last time, but then I find myself putting in proposals or sending out brochures. There’s parts I completely enjoy, and then parts that scare the sh*t out of me.

I’ve tried to figure out exactly why I put myself through that, and I haven’t been able to come up with an answer. Normally, I’m not one to back down from a challenge or let my fear dictate my actions—and believe me, I have lots of fears. I’m not trying to prove anything to myself, I just really, really enjoy talking about the subjects I talk about.

Perhaps one day I’ll have an epiphany that helps me understand why I put myself through this emotional roller coaster. When I find out, I’ll let you know.

There’s Always More to the Story

Last week, I explained to you what my rankings are and how they worked. I mentioned that I constantly check them like a junkie looking for a fix, but I don’t think you realize how bad it is. There are times when it’s automatic. When I’m not even thinking about it and I find myself on Amazon. I just shrug it off like it’s no big deal.

But I think it’s a real problem.

I’m going to be honest: I get bummed out when I check my numbers and see they’re on the rise. It breaks my heart a little bit when I fall out of the top 100. I expect it, sure, but it still has an impact. And it shouldn’t. Because if I think about it, they’re only numbers. They only tell part of the story.

Sure, it tells the part about sales and reads. Which can be important when figuring out royalties and that readers are actually reading my work. But these numbers don’t show what kind of impact the book had on the readers—whether good or bad. Reviews can do that, but not all readers review books. That doesn’t mean they didn’t like them, they just don’t write about it online.

And Amazon isn’t always the best place for reviews anyway. Especially since they took to policing comments and taking down those that may or may not come from someone an author knows. Goodreads is probably a better place to find reviews, but I’m terrible about getting on there. I really need to make an effort to get better about visiting.

The rankings numbers don’t show the messages I get from fans about how much they enjoyed the work or how worried they are about me when I go through a tough time. It’s amazing how much support I get. Some days, it absolutely blows my mind. It’s the best in the world, and I’m thankful for the love.

The numbers definitely have their place in the larger picture, but I put a lot of stock in them. There are days when they are the only thing that matters and if they’re high, something must be wrong. I have to remind myself that while this can be an important indicator of success, it’s not the only one.

When it comes down to it, it really all depends on what I want out of my writing and how I measure my success. I can be excited about low numbers, and I can be bummed out when they start to rise. But I must always remember that there’s more to the story. I have to realize that no matter if the numbers are high or low, they don’t—and shouldn’t—define me as a writer.

I’m working on cutting down how much I check my rankings. I feel like if I spent as much time working on a new story as I look at those numbers, I could be half down by now.

Still, I owe all of you readers and fans a big thank you for all that you do for me. As I always say, you’re the reason I write. Without you, what’s the point?