Chris Bohjalian's Blog - Posts Tagged "champlain-valley-fair"
In the loop and along for the ride -- despite a little thing called a hurricane
Chris Ashby, director of sales and marketing at Vermont’s Champlain Valley Exposition, is excited. The Champlain Valley Fair opened Saturday in Essex Junction and this year there is a brand new ride: It’s a specially designed vomitron called the Loop Fighter that was built in Europe and only arrived in the United States in late July. According to the manufacturer’s web site, it gives “passengers a strong negative and positive acceleration for incredible weight change sensations.” It also “delivers unbelievable G-force” and “the effects of a fly over spinning pendulum and the typical looping twirl of a roller coaster ride!”
In plain English this translates roughly to “you better be wearing a diaper on this bad boy.”
There are a thousand reasons why I love the Champlain Valley Fair, but the proximity of things named Loop Fighter — as well as Freak Out, Sling Shot, and Power Surge — to onion rings and fried sausages has to be one of the bigger ones. The only thing more terrifying than climbing aboard a gondola that does somersaults 60 feet in the air while traveling at warp speed is standing beneath a group of people in one who just polished off a paper plate of Fat Daddy’s “famous pork boners.” (Gosh, do I love my annual opportunity to string those three words together in a family newspaper! I really do have the maturity of a 5-year-old.)
I must confess, I have never eaten a “famous pork boner” because I’m a vegetarian and a pork boner is a two-ounce slice of deep-fried pork shank. Some of my friends think being a vegetarian makes it difficult to find fair food. Yeah, right. Last year at the fair I consumed French fries, fried dough, fried onion rings, a fried Oreo, maple cotton candy, a maple creemee, and a maple doughnut. Because, at mid-life, I need to watch my calories, I stayed with the diet sodas.
Ashby is confident that the Loop Fighter is going to be a popular addition to the fair’s thrill rides. Last year he rode Speed for the first time, one of the brilliantly terrifying monsters of the midway. Ashby and I are probably among the older patrons of what are called “inversion rides.” Usually by the time you hit 30, you have the common sense to steer clear of a ride that is designed to scare you silly or make you puke like a cat with a rodent-sized hairball — or, in some cases, both.
Nope.
In all fairness, I appreciate these rides for the same reason I savor almost everything about the Champlain Valley Fair. The whole experience is one absolutely massive, moving, beautiful Proustian madeleine: A remembrance of things past, of childhood, of pleasures that remind us of what it was like to be young. Not only are we surrounded by children having a universally great time, we’re indulging in the sorts of pleasures that in theory we’ve outgrown. Things like petting zoos. Racing pigs. Eating muffins the size of softballs.
For a few days (except today, of course, when the fair is canceled because of Hurricane Irene), we are allowed to forget details like our cholesterol numbers and chow down on fried dough and barbecue. We can put aside the reality that we’re way too old or bald or paunchy to dance in the aisles to the music of Lynyrd Skynyrd. Suddenly, the federal deficit — the definition of a truly scary thrill ride — or global climate change or Syria or Afghanistan or North Korea seem very far away. When we’re at the fair, we’re kids in flip flops and T-shirts with snow cones. Or kids in mud boots in the dairy barn, savoring a blue ribbon beside a Holstein that positively dwarfs us. Or kids who are, finally, tall enough to ride the Loop Fighter.
Really, does it get any better than that?
(This column originally appeared in the Burlington Free Press on August 28, 2011. Chris’s next novel, “The Night Strangers,” arrives on October 4, 2011.)
In plain English this translates roughly to “you better be wearing a diaper on this bad boy.”
There are a thousand reasons why I love the Champlain Valley Fair, but the proximity of things named Loop Fighter — as well as Freak Out, Sling Shot, and Power Surge — to onion rings and fried sausages has to be one of the bigger ones. The only thing more terrifying than climbing aboard a gondola that does somersaults 60 feet in the air while traveling at warp speed is standing beneath a group of people in one who just polished off a paper plate of Fat Daddy’s “famous pork boners.” (Gosh, do I love my annual opportunity to string those three words together in a family newspaper! I really do have the maturity of a 5-year-old.)
I must confess, I have never eaten a “famous pork boner” because I’m a vegetarian and a pork boner is a two-ounce slice of deep-fried pork shank. Some of my friends think being a vegetarian makes it difficult to find fair food. Yeah, right. Last year at the fair I consumed French fries, fried dough, fried onion rings, a fried Oreo, maple cotton candy, a maple creemee, and a maple doughnut. Because, at mid-life, I need to watch my calories, I stayed with the diet sodas.
Ashby is confident that the Loop Fighter is going to be a popular addition to the fair’s thrill rides. Last year he rode Speed for the first time, one of the brilliantly terrifying monsters of the midway. Ashby and I are probably among the older patrons of what are called “inversion rides.” Usually by the time you hit 30, you have the common sense to steer clear of a ride that is designed to scare you silly or make you puke like a cat with a rodent-sized hairball — or, in some cases, both.
Nope.
In all fairness, I appreciate these rides for the same reason I savor almost everything about the Champlain Valley Fair. The whole experience is one absolutely massive, moving, beautiful Proustian madeleine: A remembrance of things past, of childhood, of pleasures that remind us of what it was like to be young. Not only are we surrounded by children having a universally great time, we’re indulging in the sorts of pleasures that in theory we’ve outgrown. Things like petting zoos. Racing pigs. Eating muffins the size of softballs.
For a few days (except today, of course, when the fair is canceled because of Hurricane Irene), we are allowed to forget details like our cholesterol numbers and chow down on fried dough and barbecue. We can put aside the reality that we’re way too old or bald or paunchy to dance in the aisles to the music of Lynyrd Skynyrd. Suddenly, the federal deficit — the definition of a truly scary thrill ride — or global climate change or Syria or Afghanistan or North Korea seem very far away. When we’re at the fair, we’re kids in flip flops and T-shirts with snow cones. Or kids in mud boots in the dairy barn, savoring a blue ribbon beside a Holstein that positively dwarfs us. Or kids who are, finally, tall enough to ride the Loop Fighter.
Really, does it get any better than that?
(This column originally appeared in the Burlington Free Press on August 28, 2011. Chris’s next novel, “The Night Strangers,” arrives on October 4, 2011.)
It's tough to top a cake with a squid
When most of us think of the Champlain Valley Fair, which opened yesterday in Essex Junction, Vermont, we don’t think of fine dining. We think of pork boners. (I just love that I can write those two words in a family newspaper.) We imagine the fried dough. We revel in our memories of Mini Cooper-sized vats of fried onion rings. I know I could live quite happily, thank you very much, on the maple creemees and doughnuts and cotton candy that are found in the sugarhouse. The aroma alone makes the sugarhouse one of my favorite places on earth.
But there is another side to fair food. It’s not necessarily elegant and it’s certainly not fine dining. But it is creative. I am referring to the smelly sneaker version of desserts: The fair’s annual Ugly Cake Contest for kids. It occurs this year on the last day of the fair, a week from Monday, and I am telling you about it now so you and your kids have a full eight days to prepare.
The rules are simple. The fair will give your child baked cake rounds. The contestants will have 15 minutes to use the rounds as the basis for their repulsive cakes, decorating them with whatever they want – as long as every single item they bring with them to the fair is edible. There will be prizes for kids between 5 and 10 years of age, and another set for the teenagers between 11 and 16. Judging will be 2:30 on September 2nd, but you should pre-register at www.champlainvalleyfair.org.
Chris Ashby, director of marketing and communications at the Champlain Valley Exposition, told me that among the winning cakes the last few years was one that included a dead squid. “A squid is edible, so it counted,” he said. The cake used green icing for seaweed. Another winner was a massive, scuplted eyeball, complete with veins.
Of course, there are plenty of other gastronomic reasons to visit the fair between now and a week from Monday. There is a chili contest this coming Friday, as well as the traditional county fair contests for pies and brownies and breads. Meanwhile, the Essex Resort and Spa will be offering cooking demonstrations three times a day in the fair’s “culinary department” in the Ware Building Annex. (I love the idea that the fair has a “culinary department.”)
Whatever you do, however, here is one critical safety tip: Be sure and schedule a little time between your eating and your riding. As Ashby explained, “You probably want to avoid a ride like the Stinger if you’ve just eaten a few pork boners.” (Just for the record, I did not pay Ashby to say “pork boner.”) The Stinger is one of the thrill rides that twists and turns and leaves your stomach somewhere up near your ears.
Ashby’s advice? If you’re going to eat like Honey Boo Boo Child, walk around the fair for a little while before savoring the next ride: “My favorite thing about the fair is that there are so many different things to do. Visit the history exhibits. This year the University of Vermont is bringing a terrific piece on the story behind I-89. You wouldn’t think the interstate is that interesting, but it is. UVM brought a huge archive of photographs.” In addition, Vermont’s Civil War historian, Howard Coffin, will be at the fair each and every day. This summer is the 150th anniversary of the battles of Vicksburg, Gettysburg, and Chickamauga, and there is no one more knowledgeable about the role Vermonters played in the conflict than Coffin.
Today is only day two of the fair. That means there is still plenty of time to design the world’s ugliest cake, visit the world’s biggest pumpkin – which, I promise you, will be at least as scary as any of those cakes – and scarf down a maple doughnut. . .or two. Visit the cows and the horses. Watch a baby chick hatch.
Sure, we all eat like there’s no tomorrow and our arteries will never forgive us. But the fair is, first and foremost, the chance to set free that little kid inside us all – that kid who knows there’s nothing cooler than a cake with a squid.
_______________________________
This column appeared originally in the Burlington Free Press on August 25, 2013. His most recent novel, "The Light in the Ruins," was published in July.
But there is another side to fair food. It’s not necessarily elegant and it’s certainly not fine dining. But it is creative. I am referring to the smelly sneaker version of desserts: The fair’s annual Ugly Cake Contest for kids. It occurs this year on the last day of the fair, a week from Monday, and I am telling you about it now so you and your kids have a full eight days to prepare.
The rules are simple. The fair will give your child baked cake rounds. The contestants will have 15 minutes to use the rounds as the basis for their repulsive cakes, decorating them with whatever they want – as long as every single item they bring with them to the fair is edible. There will be prizes for kids between 5 and 10 years of age, and another set for the teenagers between 11 and 16. Judging will be 2:30 on September 2nd, but you should pre-register at www.champlainvalleyfair.org.
Chris Ashby, director of marketing and communications at the Champlain Valley Exposition, told me that among the winning cakes the last few years was one that included a dead squid. “A squid is edible, so it counted,” he said. The cake used green icing for seaweed. Another winner was a massive, scuplted eyeball, complete with veins.
Of course, there are plenty of other gastronomic reasons to visit the fair between now and a week from Monday. There is a chili contest this coming Friday, as well as the traditional county fair contests for pies and brownies and breads. Meanwhile, the Essex Resort and Spa will be offering cooking demonstrations three times a day in the fair’s “culinary department” in the Ware Building Annex. (I love the idea that the fair has a “culinary department.”)
Whatever you do, however, here is one critical safety tip: Be sure and schedule a little time between your eating and your riding. As Ashby explained, “You probably want to avoid a ride like the Stinger if you’ve just eaten a few pork boners.” (Just for the record, I did not pay Ashby to say “pork boner.”) The Stinger is one of the thrill rides that twists and turns and leaves your stomach somewhere up near your ears.
Ashby’s advice? If you’re going to eat like Honey Boo Boo Child, walk around the fair for a little while before savoring the next ride: “My favorite thing about the fair is that there are so many different things to do. Visit the history exhibits. This year the University of Vermont is bringing a terrific piece on the story behind I-89. You wouldn’t think the interstate is that interesting, but it is. UVM brought a huge archive of photographs.” In addition, Vermont’s Civil War historian, Howard Coffin, will be at the fair each and every day. This summer is the 150th anniversary of the battles of Vicksburg, Gettysburg, and Chickamauga, and there is no one more knowledgeable about the role Vermonters played in the conflict than Coffin.
Today is only day two of the fair. That means there is still plenty of time to design the world’s ugliest cake, visit the world’s biggest pumpkin – which, I promise you, will be at least as scary as any of those cakes – and scarf down a maple doughnut. . .or two. Visit the cows and the horses. Watch a baby chick hatch.
Sure, we all eat like there’s no tomorrow and our arteries will never forgive us. But the fair is, first and foremost, the chance to set free that little kid inside us all – that kid who knows there’s nothing cooler than a cake with a squid.
_______________________________
This column appeared originally in the Burlington Free Press on August 25, 2013. His most recent novel, "The Light in the Ruins," was published in July.
