T.L. Gray's Blog, page 18

Mansion by NF (feat. Fleurie)

Someone very dear to me (thank you Jonathan Smith) sent me this song a couple weeks ago, and it’s not one that was easy for me to listen, more than that… it’s hard to hear. The first line caught my attention and then slammed me right into the middle of my own room in my own mansion.  I’ve actually tried NOT to listen to it.  It touches something inside me that I don’t like to give a moment, a second, or even part of a second.  However, there’s another effect this song is having on me too.  It’s sort of a release.  There’s still an anger, a hurt, a part of me that’s still deep inside fighting Fear and still scribbling on my blank walls.  It’s banging to be heard, to be felt, to be acknowledged because it really effects every part of me; every broken part of me. Dealing with this kind of pain isn’t something healed in a single ‘moment’ and then all’s good.  No, this is a life long journey. “Insidious is blind inception
What's reality with all these questions?
Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in (slept in)
Broken legs but I chase perfection
These walls are my blank expression
My mind is a home I'm trapped in
And it's lonely inside this mansion”Wow.  I could just play that intro over and over and over and over, and find I’ve only just begun.  And the following words NF releases throughout this song is like he pulled them right out of my own basement, right out of the darkest part of my soul, the part that still bleeds. Let me be clear, I’m not coming from a place of anger, but a place of pain. Not as a victim, but as a survivor.  It’s not about blame, it’s about healing.“Yo my mind is a house with walls covered in lyrics
They're all over the place, there's songs in the mirrors
Written all over the floors, all over the chairs
And you get the uncut version of life when I go downstairs
That's where I write when I'm in a bad place and need to release
And let out the version of NF you don't want to see
I put holes in the walls with both of my fists 'til they bleed
You might get a glimpse of how I cope with all this anger in me” I’m a wordsmith, but I can’t even begin to express the imagery that clicked with this first verse. It’s like NF just kicked open a locked door, white light spilling into a dark room, exposing a small, broken little girl huddled into a dark corner, scribbling more dark lines on a dark room already covered floor to ceiling with words… words of pain, words of hope, words of fear, words of love, words scribbled over and over and over.   “Physically abused, now that's the room that I don't want to be in
That picture ain't blurry at all, I just don't want to see it
And these walls ain't blank, I just think I don't want to see 'em
But why not? I'm in here, so I might as well read 'em
I gotta thank you for this anger that I carry around
Wish I could take a match and burn this whole room to the ground
Matter of fact I think Ima burn this room right now
So now this memory for some reason just won't come down”Shit!  I thought burning the house down would stop the nightmares, but it didn’t.  Flames might have burned a physical building and given me a peace when I smell the scent of burning wood, but it didn’t clear the room in my mind. I don’t despise this room.  It is a place where my gift flows, where my pain goes, and where my soul grows.  This song says so much, I don’t need to say more myself.“Yo my mind is a house with walls covered in pain
See my problem is I don't fix things
I just try to repaint, cover em up, like it never happen
Say I wish I could change. Are you confused?
Come upstairs and I'll show you what I mean
This room's full of regrets, just keeps getting fuller it seems
The moment I walk in to it is the same moment that I wanna leave
I get sick to my stomach every time I look at these things
But it's hard to look past when this is the room where I sleep”“But I should just stop now, we ain't got enough room in this song
And I regret the fact that I struggled trying to find who I am
And I lie to myself and say I do the best that I can
Shrug it off like it ain't nothing like it’s out of my hands
Then get ticked off whenever I see it affecting my plans
And I regret watching these trust issues eat me alive
And at the rate I'm going they'll probably still be there when I die
Congratulations, you'll always have a room in my mind
The question is, will I ever clean the walls off in time?”“So this part of my house, no one's been in it for years
I built the safe room and I don't let no one in there
'Cause if I do, there's a chance
That they might disappear and not come back
And I admit I am emotionally scared to let anyone inside
So I just leave my doors locked
You might get other doors to open up but this doors not
'Cause I don't want you to have the opportunity to hurt me
And I'll be the only person that I can blame when you desert me
I'm barricaded inside
So stop watching
I'm not coming to the door
So stop knocking, stop knocking
I'm trapped here
God keep saying I'm not locked in
I chose this
I am lost in my own conscience
I know that shutting the wall down ain't solving the problem
But I didn't build this house because I thought it would solve ´em
I built it because I thought that it would be safer in there
But it's not, I'm not the only thing that's living in here
Fear came to my house years ago I let 'em in
Maybe that's the problem
'Cause I've been dealing with this ever since
I thought that he would leave, but it's obvious he never did
He must have picked the room and got comfortable and settled in
Now I'm in the position it's either sit here and let him win
Or put him back outside where he came from, but I never can
'Cause in order to do that I'd have to open the doors
Is that me or the fear talking?
I don't know anymore”I’m here and I’m still writing, but Fear doesn’t keep me trapped inside anymore. He still haunts me, still taunts me, still exposes my own scribbled lines, and he’s still slamming doors, but he doesn’t control me anymore.  I’m no longer afraid to read my own lines. I can read my walls, see the pictures I don’t like to see, because there’s a bright light within me that illuminates them all. I can run my fingers over them, for all these lines have made me who I am.  What I see now is a beam of refracted light, filled with all the colors of my imagination, shining over those thick black lines. Making them come alive, making them sing a new verse. I no longer huddle in a corner, but I dance all around like a beautiful ballerina, ‘cause my legs ain’t broke anymore.“Insidious is blind inception
What's reality with all these questions?
Feels like I missed my alarm and slept in (slept in)
Broken legs but I chase perfection
These walls are my blank expression
My mind is a home I'm *not* trapped in
And it's *no longer* lonely inside this mansion”I thank NF for writing this song, for being brave enough to allow us a small glimpse inside his mansion, his mind, his heart.  I’m sure this song will always have a special room inside my mind. I thank Jon for introducing me to this song and I hope he finds his own courage to face his own room. I hope we all do.Till next time,~Angel of Light

Encourage Yourself

I started writing another heart-wrenching blog post this morning, because in truth, my heart is aching something bad right now.  But, after I wrote all those words, tears streaming down my face, a huge lump in my throat, I wiped my face and took a deep breath, and deleted the whole post.  It doesn’t matter. Those words don’t matter.  Those thoughts don’t matter.  They don’t change anything.
But, what WILL change things, what does matter is filling my heart, my mind, and my soul with positive thoughts. Remembering my dreams and the things I want to do in my life, those things will fuel me. They won’t take the pain away, but they’ll help dry the tears and push me forward. 
What we put into our minds, what we listen to, what thoughts we entertain, form our thoughts and effect the things we do, the choices we make, the fears we let consume us.  I’m a rebel. I often act against those fears, in spite of them, face those things that scare me most.  I just wish the rest of the world did the same. I don’t allow the world to tell me how to feel, what to do, what is the right way to go.  The world has been wrong. It’s always wrong.  Listening to the thoughts of the world has hurt me more than I’ll ever be able to express. Cowards. The world is full of cowards.
Today is a new day. Yesterday is gone.  The sun has risen once again and I choose to live. I start a new phase at work today, and it seems a new phase in life. Even though my heart hurts something terrible, I choose to smile, I choose to focus on the positive, I choose to tell the world to go fuck itself and take its doubt, depression and double-minded desires with it. I don’t need its bullshit.  Instead I will fill it with beautiful words of encouragement.
“Don’t cry over the past, it’s gone. Don’t stress about the future, it hasn’t arrived. Live in the present moment, make it beautiful.”
“There are two ways of spreading light, be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.”
“So, take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again.”
“A beautiful life begins with a beautiful mind.”
“Ships in the harbor are safe, but that’s not what ships were built for.”
We tell ourselves that we must do this, we must do that, we must love this way or think that way. It’s all bullshit.  EVERY moment of every day we have a choice, and in that moment NONE of the world’s bullshit matters.  Regardless of the shit I’ve had to deal with in the past, regardless of the shape my heart is in, regardless of how shattered I am… IN THE MOMENT… this moment is all that matters. The choices I make right now… to love, to not love, to hate, to forgive, to doubt, etc.  THAT is who I am. 
I choose ME.  For no one else will.
“What we are today is the result of our own past actions; whatever we wish to be in the future depends on our present actions; decide how you have to act now. We are responsible for what we are, whatever we wish ourselves to be. We have the power to make ourselves.”
We choose to believe. We choose not to believe. We choose to fight. We choose to run. We choose to love. We choose to hate. We choose to forgive.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s to fight. Fight for what’s right. Fight for what you believe in, what’s important to you. But most importantly, fight for the ones you love, and never forget to tell anyone how much they mean to you while they’re still alive.”
Someday, someone will believe I’m worth fighting for, too. That day’s not today, but someday.
“I want to be your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.”
“If you think positively, sound becomes music, movement becomes dance, smile becomes laughter, mind becomes meditation, and life becomes a celebration.”
In the midst of pain, in the darkest moment of despair, hope still lives and love still remains. I’ll never apologize for loving. I’ll never regret taking the chance.  I’ll never look back on my life and say, ‘only if’. I have fallen. I have tasted rejection. I have hurt to the deepest part of my soul, but I have no regrets. I am a lot of things, but I’m not a coward. I’m a fool.
“Three simple rules in life.  1. If you do not go after what you want; you’ll never have it. 2. If you do not ask, the answer will always be No.  3.  If you do not step forward, you’ll always be in the same place.”
Waiting for something to happen. Waiting to heal. Waiting to love. Waiting to explore. Waiting to have an adventure. Waiting for success. Waiting for forgiveness. Waiting for dreams. Waiting for happiness.  Leaves only one thing… you waiting.  None of those things just finds you… you have to fight for each one of them. You have to choose them. You have to want them. You have to face your fears and take them.
Till next time,
Black-Eyed Beauty

Weaver of Words

Sometimes it seems my life is stuck in a rut and refuses to move either to the left or right, keeping me circling the same tree over and over and over again. Other times it moves so fast I think if I blink I’m going to miss the thousands of things flying by in a rapid pace. That seems to be the way it’s been these last few weeks. So many new things have happened I can barely recognize my life or what it had been just a couple months ago.

With all the thousands of ideas moving in, out and around me, I’m taking a quick step back to see if I notice a pattern. I usually can’t see the image when I’m up close or right in the middle of a thought. Some pictures need a wider view. So, what are these patterns I’ve been noticing? What are the words, thoughts, and meditations that’s been coursing through my mind of late? What do they mean? What are they trying to tell me? Where do they lead? Most importantly, which ones do I listen to and which do I ignore? Whew, I’m getting a bit overwhelmed just thinking about them.

I’ve been on a journey lately, one of the mind, most importantly, one of the soul. My imagination has been soaring to distant worlds, floating on different planes, seeking wisdom and enlightenment in understanding. Here are some of the quotes that have motivated me lately. Here are few words of wonder.

~

“Sometimes you have to stop being scared and just go for it. Either it will work out, or it won’t. That’s life.”

“Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate.”

“Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do.”

“The Buddhists say if you meet someone and your heart pounds, your hands shake, and your knees go weak, that’s not the one. When you meet your soul mate, you’ll feel calm. No anxiety. No agitation.”

“Find someone you can be completely free with; sexually, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and cosmically, and go freaking WILD.”

“Find a heart that will love you at your worst and arms that will hold you at your weakest.”

“You cannot force someone to comprehend a message that they are not ready to receive. Still, you must never underestimate the power of planting a seed.”

“I’m very picky with whom I give my energy to. I prefer to reserve my time, intensity and spirit exclusively to those who reflect sincerity.”

“We’re so busy studying and seeking to find our life’s mission, let us not forget to look around and simply ask, “How can I help?”

“I admire people who choose to shine even after all the storms they’ve been through.”

“I love you neither with my heart nor my mind. My heart might stop, and my mind can forget. I love you with my soul because my soul never stops or forgets.”

“A person’s actions will tell you everything you need to know.”

“You deserve the love you keep trying to give everyone else.”

“I don’t want a perfect life; I want a happy life.”

“Whatever you do, never run back to what broke you.”

“On this road called life, you have to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you got and remember what you had. Always forgive, but never forget. Learn from mistakes, but never forget. People change. Things go wrong. But just remember, the ride goes on.”

“When you connect with people who are good for you, you feel it. This is a big deal. Don’t forget to acknowledge how great it is to be around someone who lights you up. Tell them, even if you feel a little weird. Your people love your weirdness.”

“When you kiss someone and you stop kissing them for second and smile, and then kiss again… I can’t think of something more beautiful than that.”

“Let your weird light shine bright so the other weirdos know where to find you.”

“I think it’s important to realize you can miss something and not want it back.”

“You don’t know this new me; I put back my pieces differently.”

~

I think you’re starting to get the picture. Well, I hope I’m able to get the picture, because those are some amazing clues. I’m still digesting, still trying to wrap my mind around what it all means, what it’s trying to tell me, what I need to hear. I may not know the whole extent of it at this moment, but I already know it’s all good.

I’ve smiled more in the last few weeks than I have in a very long time. Sometimes I get a little sad when I think back to other times I used to smile so much it made my cheeks hurt. Those times, those memories, those associated with those memories will always be precious to me. But, this is a new day, a new time, and a new season to smile. I’ve cried enough. Joy comes with the morning, and baby… the sun is rising.

“I’ve got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine.”

I don’t know what tomorrow holds. I don’t know what’s in store for me. Maybe it’s a great adventure. Maybe it’s a great love affair. Maybe it’s a new page to a new story. Whatever it is, however weird it is, I’m ready and I want it.

Till next time,

~Weaver of Words of Wonder

Where the Dead Things Are

*New original short story Where the Dead Things Are© by T.L. Gray  - Part OneMy Mama once told me, "If a man only wants to see you when the sun goes down, he's a vampire. Baby, run away. He'll bite you, leave you all mesmerized until he drains you of everything that makes you alive, and then he'll toss you into his collection of other dead things." She told me that once while braiding my hair. I remember looking into a dirty, smoke-stained mirror, watching vacant eyes stare off at nothing with a cigarette hanging out the side of pale thin lips. I can still see those small jagged lines along the edges displaying leftover bits of dark red lip stick. She looked younger when she smiled, but she hardly ever smiled.Of course, my wild imaginative mind took the story literally to heart and in my youthful naivety found myself fascinated with the supernatural; vampires especially. Then after Mama died a few years later, I became obsessed with stories about death. However, I look back on that moment and realize she wasn’t talking about vampires at all, not really. I never thought Mama had much sense, but as I’ve met my own sort of vampire and found myself struggling to climb out of this cavernous pit of death, I now realize she was much deeper than I ever gave her credit.Looking down at the shimmering Vodka, I see my dark red lipstick mark along the glass lip and can’t stop Mama’s words from echoing in the deep part of my mind. How did I get here? When did I lose myself and turn into Mama? Where had my soul gone? Will I find it among all the dead things?I can tell you the exact moment, the particular hour, the definitive minute everything changed. It all started with the sound of tires slowly crunching over gravel as he pulled into my driveway. My heart started beating so fast I thought it would literally jump out my chest. It sounded too loud and I wondered if he’d be able to hear it. I quickly checked my underarms for moisture, because I was nervous as a chicken in a fox hole. My body may have been hot, but thank goodness I was dry and smelled like fresh flowers. My cinnamon breath caught as I gasped, almost letting out a small squeal as I heard the car door open and then close again. I never heard the engine at all. It’s like he floated in on a dream.With shaky legs, I walked out the French doors that led to my patio-porch, and then to the privacy gate. He’d parked his car just on the other side. I could see the light green hue of his exterior between the fence slats before I caught a glimpse of him. It was only a slither of a glance of one of his long, bronze skinny legs sticking out a pair of basketball shorts, but I was transfixed. I tried to calm my breath as I opened the gate, but there was no controlling it. I’d lost it completely. It evaporated from my lungs altogether when my gaze locked onto those dark, brown, mesmerizing eyes and that soft crooked smile. The setting sun behind me cast a golden spotlight on his beautiful caramel skin, highlighting his chiseled face, full lips, and aura of authority. He looked like a god bathed in glory and I felt myself wanting to fall to my knees in worship. I mean I literally felt like falling when my knees suddenly buckled beneath me. I had to grab the wooden gate to keep the ground from jumping up and slapping me in the face.Sometimes I wonder if he knew the effect he had on me. I doubted it, but I often wondered, still do. He always had a way of bringing the hidden things out of me, and reflecting my own image back at me when I tried so hard to focus on his. He didn’t have one. He was a mystery, yet something I understood without words, without explanation, and I loved him deeply. I still do. But he left me where the dead things are, tossed me to the side once he’d drained me of all the vibrant life I had once held. But I’m not without hope, not without magic. That’s what’s brought me to this bar in the middle of nowhere. I’m trying to escape, trying to save the last bit of my soul, trying to put some distance between me and him so that I may one day find the strength to resist him, breaking the power he has over me, and crawl out of this place of dead things. He doesn’t want me, but doesn’t want to let me go either.I threw back the shot of vodka, feeling the burn all the way down my throat and settle into the emptiness of my stomach. Alcohol on an empty stomach always hurt, but it also helped the numbness rush in faster. I glanced down at my watch and realized the sun had surely already set outside. I needed to be on my way. He’d be able to find me. If he ever found me, I know I’d never have the strength to resist him. I pulled the small wad of twenty dollar bills I’d kept in my front jeans pocket. Slapped one down on the bar and then threw back the last of three shots I’d ordered. I wiped my soft lips with the back of my shaking hand and walked out of that dead place filled with other dead people, into a city where all the dead things are. Yet, I’m a survivor, and though too faint to hear, my heart still beats.

Panacea Princess

Since finding myself single again, I’m trying to take a different look at who I am, perhaps evaluate myself objectively and see if I can help identify why I’m so difficult to love. I am difficult, mark my words. To love me is a challenge, and not for the faint of heart. I can’t simply be put into any particular box. Though I want a fairy-tale kind of love, I’m not a fairy-tale kind of princess. There isn’t just one dragon to slay in order to reach me, but an army of them. So, I’m thinking of my new dating profile and what should it say. What would ward off predators, players, men who haven’t let go of their last relationship, or men who can never be satisfied with just one woman, liars, con artists, or cowards? It would be nice if all my exes could write it for me – to warn the next man that dares to cross my path of just exactly what he’s getting into, what to do or not do. I honestly don’t know if I can open my heart again. Do I have any of it left since so much of it has been broken? I’m an open book, but the text inside is quite hard to read. So here goes…

Life is fluid, ever-changing, filled with both joy and despair, love and heart-break, evolutionary and quite contradictory. If we ever get to the point where we think we begin to understand it, life will always come in and test our faith, test our thoughts, and test the motives of our hearts. We are not who we say we are, nor are we often who we think we are, because we are all liars and deceivers, always believing the best or worst of ourselves. But, the truth … the truth resides somewhere in the middle of our best intentions and our worst fears. Truth is also in what we do, how we react, and how we respond to the situations in our lives, not in what we say or think. I've been wrong so many times. I've been hurt even more. Not because I had dared to dream, but because I dared to dream big and fell far. I've soared to great heights... and I will soar again. I'll never stop trying, never stop dreaming, never stop hoping. I believe in love. I believe in a forever kind of love. I believe in deep passionate love. Some say I'm a fool, and that what I'm looking for in love doesn't exist, but I know it does because it exists in me. If I can possess that kind of love, then it is possible for another to have it too. And if it exists... that's the only kind of love I want.

Who am I?

I'm honest, not just of my great attributes, but also of my flaws and weaknesses. I am quick to apologize when I'm wrong, and always strive to communicate to understand when I'm confused. I'm a cheerleader, encourager, rescuer, and a defender. I'm unique, think outside the box, color outside the lines, try to see the beauty in the worse mess. I'm wild, adventurous, persistent and truly care about the human soul. At the same time these are my weaknesses, because I'm also bold, outspoken, driven, and a perfectionist. I will wear myself down, break my back bending over, push myself beyond my limits for those I care about, often to my own detriment. I'm often naive, but not stupid. My trust is easily gained, but also easily lost. I don't need to be saved, but sometimes I do need to be held, to be cherished, to be wanted, and needed. Respect is important to me. I'm faithful. I'm courageous, especially when I'm terrified. I over-think everything, and have OCD tendencies toward cleanliness and organization. I'm creative, artistic, talented, and I see the world through those artistic eyes - both the beauty and the ugliness of it. I often feel responsible for others and neglect myself, putting their wants, dreams. and desires before my own, but I'm learning to put me first. I'm witty, smart, sarcastic, silly and playful, but I can trash talk during game play any day. I love and thrive toward a challenge, even while I stress and freak out over them at the same time. I'm complex, yet simple. Classy, yet brash. Serious, yet silly.

I promise, if you get to know me, you will one day say, "I've never met anyone like you before."

Don't try to change me, change will happen on its own. Don't try to determine if I'll fit into your life as it is now, but be willing to open your life and allow me to become part of it, as you become part of mine, and we make room for each other. Don't play with my heart, because it's a shattered mess. But don't be afraid to touch it, because shattered glass is also a beautiful thing. Don't expect me to be perfect, to have all the answers, always know the right thing to do, always make the right decision, always step in the right direction. I'm fickle. I run away as much as I run toward. I will never be where I'm not wanted, so don't make me feel unwanted. Don't shut me out, because I'll walk away.

Life is a great adventure - full of glory and pain, confusion and discovery. It's the greatest adventure. We only have so much time of it here on this blue planet before we are gone. Don't waste it. Live. Live out loud. Don’t be afraid.

Till next time,

~Panacea Princess

The Zombie Killer

I will admit, I’m really confused this morning, which isn’t to say that I’m not confused most mornings. My thoughts are always deep, always reflective, and most often beyond my comprehension as the new day begins. Sometimes I love this about myself because it’s a reminder I’m much more than this meat suit I’m wearing. I’m deeper. I have a mind, a soul, and a heart. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one. I know, I know… I know I’m not, but sometimes it’s just so hard to see them in a world full of zombies. It’s so hard to love those zombies knowing they feel nothing in return.

When I’m referring to zombies, I’m not talking about the walking dead like in the television show. I’m talking about people who live in this world but they’re not really living, only existing. They don’t think about anything but themselves - what they want, what they need, what they hope to the point they can’t see the living around them, and in essence due to their selfishness, destroy that life by infecting it with their disease. They walk through life existing, doing what they need to do to get through the day, through the week, through the month, through the year, doing the same thing over and over and over, wanting more, desiring more, but doing nothing more to change anything. They’re waiting, sleeping, hiding and hoping that someone will come into their life with a cure and magically wake them up, and their life will change. They’ll get that new job. They’ll win the lottery. They’ll fall in love. They’ll write that book. They’ll take that trip. Their estranged family members will forgive and reach out to them. Lost loves will return and love them again. This reminds me of a meme I once saw with a group of people all walking in the same direction, but every one of them was looking down at their phones and not seeing they were part of a group, that others walked beside them.

I understand the disease of zombie-ism. I lived as one for a little while. Well, lived isn’t quite the right word. I closed my heart, and hid deep inside because I was so hurt and so afraid. I walked away from a man I was deeply in love with because I was trying to be selfless, yet in turn became selfish. For the first time in my life I was a coward. Fearing death, I became afraid to live. Since then, I’ve been hoping someone would come along and help me feel alive again, be the spark that would bring me back to myself, resurrect that woman living out loud. Yet, that kind of external spark doesn’t give life, it only creates a monster that doesn’t understand it’s a monster until confronted by a hateful, prejudicial, and judgmental world. In ignorance, there was a false and temporary sense of happiness. (I’ll get back to this subject in a moment.) The true spark of life had to come from within myself. I knew this, but in my zombie state I had forgotten. There were other things I had forgotten as well, such as how it felt to have someone treat me like I didn’t matter, like I was unimportant, and unwanted. He was right. I don’t matter to HIM, and he now no longer matters to me. But I thank him for being the asshole he was, because he reminded me that I do matter, I am important, and I am very much wanted - to ME. He’s the one that’s lost something wonderful - he lost a cheerleader, a friend, someone that would’ve given him the world. Fuck him. His loss is my gain. His actions of shutting me out, fueled me inside and finished waking up that sleeping giant. I don’t wish him ill, though. I do love him very much and no matter how he treated me, I honestly hope he finds the happiness he’s looking for but couldn’t find with me.

That anger is still fueled inside me. It’s reminded me how my ex-husband treated me as inconsequential for twenty years. Yes, he was a great father, good provider, steady hand in a world of uncertainty, but he was a zombie and a terrible and lousy husband who nearly every day of our marriage let me know I wasn’t what he wanted, but a responsibility, a promise, an obligation. I can say this one thing about him, which is really, really, really rare in the world today, he at least kept his word. The world is so full of liars. I’m so sick of liars. I heard he’s getting remarried soon. With all sincerity, I do hope he’s finally happy.

But, what is true happiness? Who really has it? Is it found in something tangible, in a kiss, in a life event, in a moment? In money, marriage, security? Another friend of mine wrote a thesis for his college paper and asked me to review and edit it for him, and I can’t get the idea of this pursuit of happiness out of my head. Perhaps in combination of the many changing events in my life these past few months it’s all coming to a juncture and has my mind whirling at the moment.

I know a man that tells me he’s happy, yet his actions confuse me. He’s married to a beautiful woman, but she isn’t enough for him and he has girlfriends on the side. Yes, yes… I can hear my guy friends right now saying, “Sounds good to me… I’d be happy too with a wife and girlfriends too.” I don’t understand why this is a man’s fantasy. But, are they really? Is the lying, cheating, sneaking around, being deceitful, and possibly breaking the heart of the person or persons they claim to love really what makes a man happy? Is that true happiness or just another lie they’ve told themselves to appease a guilty conscience, a false reality, a fantasy? Do they have a conscience? Are they not just a zombie feeling nothing but the desire to feed their own needs, their own wants and carnal desires, with no regard to the destruction they leave behind, or realize they’re infectious and spread their disease to the very people they claim to love? This particular man calls me a fool because I hold onto the belief that I will one day find real love, the kind of love found in heroic stories and fairy tales, a forever kind of love, that one day someone will love me as honestly and as deeply as I love them. So far the world has proven me wrong and him right, but I’m still holding onto that hope – that one day I will find that love. I know that kind of love is possible, because I have that kind of love. If it is possible in me, then it is possible in others. Or, is this some false reality I’ve created for myself? I’m telling you, it’s getting hard to believe these days.

I’m often told I’m weird, odd, and different. While I know they mean this following statement as a compliment, but when I’m told, “You’re like no one I’ve ever met before,” it makes me want to cry because usually what follows soon after is, “I love you, but…” The funny, well, not so funny, thing is… they really do love me. Most of them are still part of my life because they love me as a person, as a friend, they just didn’t choose me. I used to think that something was wrong with me, that I wasn’t enough, that I was just too strange for them, too unpredictable. I suppose that stems from all the years of being told I wasn’t what they were attracted to, or I’m too wild, too rebellious, too opinionated, or they chose the safe route, the sure thing. But I believe it’s because they realize I want more than they could offer. I don’t dream little, I dream big. I am a fighter and I don’t sit on my ass waiting for my dreams to come true, or someone to come along and hand my life to me. I take it. I make it happen. I have soared to unimaginable height and accomplished some things most only dream about. I’ve also fell to great painful depths, and experienced true horrors, yet in the face of them possess the ability to still love, to still hope, to still dream. They’re right. They don’t deserve me. I deserve a true hero, someone that isn’t a coward, someone that is willing to risk everything for me – because they love me, because they know I love them and will risk everything for them. I deserve what I’m willing to give – and that’s going to be a whole lotta man and some big ass shoes to fill. Cowards need to just run away, because I could never choose a coward, because I’m not a coward.

So, in consideration of my friend’s thesis on happiness. I have found my true happiness comes in the everyday little things of life. I appreciate life in so many different ways. I find beauty in the simple things – like a father horse-playing with his children, a friend spending hours playing a video game as a distraction for their heartbroken friend, best friends arguing over who’s turn it is to do the dishes, yelling at other drivers because you’re late for work and your bestie backing you up with sign language, a friend listening to you butcher practicing your daily Spanish lessons, getting unexpected, silly or inspirational text messages through the day, friends reading their favorite books together and then having long discussions, playing a game together, cooking for one another, dancing while cleaning, singing out loud and off key in the car. These are the true moments of happiness…. And these moments can only be experienced when we live in the moment – not lost in the past, not hoping for the future… but in appreciation of everyday little moments, being considerate of those we love, inviting them to share in our lives… all of it… our hopes, dreams, pain, doubts, fears, objections, wants, etc. Sharing life – looking up and noticing the person next to us is a breathing, living, person with emotions, thoughts, feelings, and ideas.

I see you.

Do you see me?

Or are you a Zombie?

Till next time,

~The Zombie Killer

I'm Gourmet, Not Buffet

You know, I seriously think buffets are not a good thing. Having too many choices, with no limit to amount or portion is never a good thing. Our bodies are wonderful, beautiful, extraordinary machines and they have mechanical parts that work in a particular fashion. While some of us have different types of engines, different amenities, different options, we all function on a similar and foundational basis. Use the wrong fuel and parts of us will break down, we will become dysfunctional, defective, and damaged. Having access of a buffet requires self-control, discipline, determination and a desire to love yourself and love your body more than the choices displayed in front of you.

The same goes for relationships. There are so many choices out there, a smorgasbord of options, I’m beginning to wonder where is the self-control required to maintain a healthy relationship, a healthy interaction? Nobody is perfect. There will never be a perfect display, loaded with all the choices someone thinks they want in a partner, and then have all those options in perfect display, perfect condition, cooked perfectly to our taste. If you believe that perfect person exists, you’re a bigger fool than the obese patron of a buffet thinking they’re eating responsibly.

If you find a partner that has that perfect beautiful body you desire, what of their heart, what of their mind, what of their passion, what of their health, what of their faith, what of their fears, what of their faults, what of their skeletons, what of their triggers? I watch so many unbalanced relationships start and fail because the selection was made on first sight. Just because it looks good and tastes good, it doesn’t mean it is good and not spoiled or rotten in the center, and will poison you. However, just because something looks healthy, doesn’t mean it isn’t filled with toxins or chemicals that will destroy more than it will fix. Just because something looks terrible, doesn’t mean it’s wholesome or tastes good. Come on, people… you’ve got to look deeper than the presentation. I can cook a meal and make it look like a million-dollar five-star gourmet delight, but be tasteless or smell like heaven but will send you to hell. Get your fucking heads out of the gutter. Stop watching your romance movies, reading your romance novels, and watching porn and being disappointed with the world and in the beautiful person right in front of you. Guess what? We are ALL faulty, but it doesn’t mean we can’t be beautiful, healthy, and something good in this world.

I used to desire that hot, fast, muscled Mustang, but I’ve come to appreciate and love my dependable Focus. Don’t get me wrong, feeling the vibration of that muscle car humming with all its raw power is hot, but I’m a little deeper than that now and I need more than muscle to meet my needs. I stay away from buffets and instead only buy what’s good for me, healthy for me, and for my betterment. I drive past the fast food restaurants and enjoy the art of cooking. I don’t test my self-control by not placing myself in the path of having to make that decision. In return enjoy the life that makes my soul sing. I am able to hike and enjoy nature. I feel better, healthy, and strong. I have strength to fight off infection. While my body is riddled with flaws, scars, flab, some wrinkles and the beginning of graying hair… I’m beautiful. I’ll never be a porn star, but I can make beautiful love to my man. I’ll never win a beauty contest, but I’ll love my partner with a beauty that can’t be judged. When I give my heart, I give also my support, my love, my devotion, my hopes, my dreams… and I pick up their heart, their support, their love, their devotion, their hopes, and their dreams.

Our buffet minds have destroyed so many relationships. When life get tough, and it does get tough - it’s fucking life - we have too many other choices in front of us to stick with the original choice we made. We’ve lied to ourselves thinking that maybe the next selection, or the next bite will taste better, so we pile our plates full of a little bit of everything and anything, yet truly appreciate nothing. But, if we have ONE beautifully plated, beautifully seasoned dish, we now have a chance to savor it, appreciate it, enjoy it, and truly taste it for the beauty it is. It’ll change our lives and make our love bloom to unimaginable heights.

Have you never wondered why there is little food on a five-star dish? Because that chef put his skill, his love, his talent, and his devotion into his dish, and he wants you to enjoy, appreciate and love what he’s created. He wants that dish to be the star of the meal… not lost among gross portions. It’s not how much you have, but the fine quality of what you have. I’m sorry, but I’m gourmet, not buffet. I’m a delicious dish that deserves my own beautiful plate. I’m not something to be piled upon by everything and anything. I’m classy. But, don’t think I’m snobbish, snooty, or have to have expensive. Don’t mistake expensive for quality. There is just as much crap on an expensive buffet as there is on a cheap one, the difference is only in the packaging.

Listen to me. Being in a relationship is about sharing who you are, all of who you are with your partner. Share your body. Share your mind. Share your hopes. Share your dreams. Share your problems. Share your failures. Share your mistakes. Share your fears. Share your doubts. Share your gifts. Share your fork. Share your kisses. Share your touch. Share your words. Share your silence. I don’t care what dirty laundry you have – we all have dirty laundry. Let’s wash it together. Physical problems, let me help encourage you, as you encourage me. Financial problems, let’s make a plan and both pick up a shovel. Emotional problems, let’s talk about it together, heal together. That’s what a relationship is about – quality – not packaging, display, or quantity. Let me love you. Dare to love me. Let’s avoid the buffet and concentrate on making one hell of a beautiful dish - together. We might have to start over again and again, choose some different ingredients as we discover what works and what doesn’t, and try some different seasonings until we find the right combination we both will enjoy and savor. It’s worth it.

But if you can’t, if you can’t make the effort, or have no self-control and can’t stop thinking and desiring the cheap substance of a buffet, then keep moving. I won’t be, no, I CAN’T be part of a buffet. I’m gourmet.

Till next time,



~Filet Mignon

Swoozie's Cheerleader

Okay, if you guys don't know my boy Swoozie, from YouTube, you're missing it. Adande Thorne is infectious. He's one of the naturally funniest guys I've ever watched.  My good friend, Emilio Solano, introduced me to his videos a few years ago, and ever since I've been a loyal fan. I anticipate his videos and when I see a new one has been posted, I literally can't stop the smile that spreads across my face. I usually watch the video right there, right then, even in the middle of a date, No matter what I'm doing, except perhaps while having se... well, maybe even then too, I'll stop and watch a Swoozie video.



He's charming. He's funny. He's adorable.  He puts it all out there, all the embarrassing stuff, all the mistakes, all the funny day-to-day life tragedies and mishaps.  His raw honesty helps restore my faith that good men still exist. He's brilliant. He's talented. It doesn't hurt that he's also very, very handsome. It's also a plus that he's a gamer, but doesn't let the games consume his life. I have this fantasy of us playing a video game and the controllers get all mixed up... and... um... well... where was I?



But, seriously, one of the reasons I love this guy so much, is because I see what's not quite apparent. He's talented and a hard worker, and he's out there doing it, chasing his dreams, and making it come true. He's an inspiration because as a writer, author, and artist, I hear so many people talk about their dreams, talk about what they want to do in life, but I don't see them doing a damned thing to go out there and make it happen.  It's like this world expects everything to just drop in their laps like they're entitled, but dreams require sacrifice, they require dedication, they require sticking with it when it looks like the whole world doesn't give a damn - but you. I've watched Adande back when he only had a few video posts push forward.



Every time I saw him accomplish something else, I smiled.  When my boy went to the White House to interview President Obama, man... Oh, man... I was so damned proud.  His success has NOTHING to do with me, but I can't help feel like I'm one of his cheerleaders from the sideline, cheering him forward, and getting to witness his run right into greatness.  Watch this man!  I'm telling you, watch him... because he's one of the greats.  His spotlight is bright.  His presence is infectious.  His mind is clever.  His determination is steel.  He's going to make it. I can already see it, and I can't express how freakin' proud I am.



The very first video I watched by Swoozie was Video Game Girlfriend, and then a year or so later, Kiss the Gamer Girl.  He blew me away. I know he'll absolutely have you rolling on the floor.



So, guys and gals... if you haven't checked out my friends, Swoozie, what the heck are you waiting for?  Do it now. I promise... I promise... you won't regret it.  In fact, you'll be sending me messages thanking me. Show the love, people. Don't forget to let Swoozie know how much you love his videos once you do fall in love with them.



Till next time,



~Swoozie's Cheerleader

Piece by Piece

I sometimes think I really love a good epic fantasy, a fairy tale, because I have this deep need to see a valiant hero, to see a man stick his neck out, risk his life, risk everything in order to save the day.  I hope for it. I dream of it. I just need to actually see it put into action sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen it before. I’ve seen the beauty and selflessness of man.  I’ve seen heroes. I’ve watched some of the most beautiful men risk their lives for their woman, their family, their faith, and their country. I’ve watched heroes die. I’ve lost a hero of my own and have lived with the fact for the past 24 years I was left alone so that others be saved. Others, who often don’t appreciate the sacrifices that were made for them. Others, who often degrade and diminish those sacrifices.
I just heard a song by Kelly Clarkson that had me weeping, because it touches so close to the center of my heart. “Piece by piece he collected me off the ground where you abandoned things. Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me at six years old. He never walks away; he never asks for money. He takes care of me, ‘cause he loves me. Piece by piece he’s restored my faith that a man could be kind and a father could stay… piece by piece.”
Now, that’s a man, one not afraid to pick up the shattered pieces, one unafraid of the difficulties he may have to face for the woman he loves. You know, that’s all women really need from a man - to be loved, to be brave, to be wanted, and needed.  We all have difficulties to face, shattered pieces to put back together, and we women are strong enough to do anything and everything on our own. We don’t need to be saved, we just need to be loved so we can heal, blossom, and then bloom into the beautiful flower that will adorn her man.  
Bonnie Tyler had the right idea. “Where have all the good men gone, and where are all the gods? Where’s the street-wise Hercules to fight the rising odds? Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed? Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need.  I need a hero. I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning night. He’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast, and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight. I need a hero. I’m holding out for a hero ‘till the morning light.  He’s gotta be sure, and it’s gotta be soon, and he’s gotta be larger than life.  Somewhere after midnight, in my wildest fantasy, somewhere just beyond my reach there’s someone reaching back for me. Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat. It’s gonna take a Superman to sweep me off my feet.”
We are strong. We are independent. We are resilient. Where have all the good men gone? We need heroes. We don’t need flowery words, empty promises, lies and deceptions.  Our bodies aren’t the prize, it’s our hearts and our minds and our devotion. Why are there so many cowards?  Why do men choose the easy route, the sure, temporary thing? I’ve watched men choose women in fear, too afraid to take a chance, too lazy to face a challenge.  I even had a man tell me once, “Never date someone who’s problems are bigger than yours.” Really?  That’s selfish, that’s lazy, that’s pathetic.  
I’m really tired of cowards, tired of men too afraid to step up and be the men I know they’re capable of being. I understand we live in a world that has constantly been emasculating men for years. I see it every day and it literally makes my heart ache.  Where are our warriors, men willing to fight no matter how difficult the struggle is ahead of them? Where are our gods, men unafraid to love a woman, to devote himself to one woman and make her a goddess, a queen?  Men expect women to be these great queens, but do not feel they must be king themselves first. 
God, help me.  I’m surrounded by minstrels and fools. Piece by piece, let my faith be restored that a man can be kind and a hero can be brave. This sword I carry is heavy.  Take a fucking risk, you cowards! Stop playing these mind games because you’re too afraid to lose, too afraid to fail, too afraid to get hurt.  The best things in life are those things that require risk, require sacrifice, and require a bit of courage.  I’m sick of watching men run away from confrontation, too scared to speak their mind, too afraid to want something, too afraid to put their heart’s on the line. They chase after what’s easy, what’s uncomplicated, until it becomes complicated and then run like a feral dog with their tails tucked between their legs because things get hard. Life is hard.  Life if filled with drama and complications, yet if you stick it out, there’s also a beauty that’s worth it.
Is this what we want to teach our sons, the next generation of men, how to be a coward?  They learn by example, not by words. Let’s teach them that to have a woman look at you with pure admiration and devotion because you stood up and faced your fears like a man, is worth it.  Big muscles don’t make a man, a big heart does. Well-endowed shouldn’t be in reference to the size of a man’s penis, but the size of his courage. Courage shouldn’t only be present when you hold a gun in your hand, but when you hold a heart. Stop this fucking half-hearted, bullshit cowardice two-step dance.  If you don’t have the guts to be the man a woman deserves, a woman needs, then move to the side and go play with young women who don’t know what they want or need and have no confidence in themselves so they’ll put up with your bullshit.  I’m tired of watching the tears stream down a good woman’s face because a coward broke her heart, because he was too much of a pussy to actually devote himself to her, and her alone.  Instead of facing the difficulties of a relationship, they move onto the next unsuspecting woman. 
In a recent conversation with my best friend, they asked me what I wanted, what I needed, what I hoped for in a relationship. It wasn’t a great body, an intellectual mind, a great financial portfolio, or a long laundry list of attributes I found attractive… it was very simply… a man willing to love me with all his heart. That man would have my devotion, my faithfulness, my support, my love.  They would have a partner that would give them everything and who would stand by their side and fight through anything. I’ve been through hell and back, there’s nothing I can’t face, there’s nothing I can’t accomplish, there’s nothing I can’t overcome. I don’t need a man to save me, just love me. But a coward can’t do that.  A coward can’t pick up my pieces, they don’t have the strength.
I don’t need a man. I can take care of myself. I love myself and strive to navigate this world through that love and with that love.  That love blazes like the sun.  Cowards can’t touch the sun, only heroes.  My heart breaks for my friend as I watch her try to pick up the pieces of her broken heart.  I think I empathize because I have found myself in the same position as her many times before.  My anger this morning is perhaps for us both.  I’m so sick of cowards.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not beating up on all men. I love men. I love good men. I admire courageous men. I respect heroes. I know there are good men out there.  I just need to see them, just a little piece.

Judgement Day - Stealth

Judgment Day – Stealth


https://youtu.be/GZFpzVZjbDg


I can feel the floor shaking and the glass begin to break. 
The air is getting thinner with every breath that I take.  
The calm before the storm, you can hear the drop of a pen.
Never been claustrophobic, but now the walls are closing in.  


I’ve crossed every line, broken every boundary.
And now it’s retribution time ‘cause the change that I’m into, it ain’t that holy.


So, strike me down, take me away. Debts are due, it’s time to pay.
Face what I deserve, here comes judgement day!
I won’t run, the guilt is mine. Still, I’m denying all my crimes.
Face what I deserve, here comes judgement day.


Of all the love I have taken, all the hearts I’ve turned to hate.
Hearts are easily broken when you’re being made in the shade.


I’ve crossed every line, broken every boundary,
And now it’s retribution time ‘cause the change that I’m into, it ain’t that holy.


So, strike me down, take me away. Debts are due, it’s time to pay.
Face what I deserve, here comes judgement day.


I won’t run, the guilt is mine. Still, I’m denying all my crimes.
Face what I deserve, here comes judgement day.


Standing up by name. Ready to meet my fate.
Burns my soul, it’s not too late. So bring on the judgement day.


So, strike me down, take me away. Debts are due, it’s time to pay,
Face what I deserve, here comes judgement day!
I won’t run, the guilt is mine. Still, I’m denying all my crimes.
Face what I deserve, here comes judgement day!


Man, man, man, man, man… this song moves my soul, to the deepest, most intimate part of my being. It’s cool water, to a parched, thirsty, and brittle spirit.