Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 562

October 14, 2010: Joe Abercrombie's The Heroes! Early birthday gifts and wishes! Marty G. a Tokyo no-show! Snow Monkeys Rule!

Ooooh.  Look at what arrived in the mail yesterday…

Yes, that's right!  It's an advance copy of Joe Abercrombie's latest: The Heroes.  For those of you not in the know (and, really, you should be if you're up to date on my blogly matters), Joe not only happens to be one of my favorite authors (check out The Blade Itself, the first book in his awesome First Law trilogy and go from there) but a close personal friend of Baron Destructo.  I'm dying to get started on it but, unfortunately, have had to put off my reading until I complete a first draft of that infernal script.  I'm aiming for Monday but I fear that maybe overly optimistic given that I'll be spending all of tomorrow in editing on episode 16, The Hunt, which is two minutes long with about another five minutes owing.

Anyway, The Heroes happens to be the latest in a long line of terrific surprise presents I've received over the past few days in the lead up to my big weekend birthday extravaganza…

Back in early high school, I honed my French reading on Goscinny and Underzo's Asterix and Obelix comics.  About five years ago, I picked up the collection – en Francais of course – and re-reading them brought back all sorts of great memories (like the time the boys traveled to Egypt and met Cleopatra, or the time Panoramix went missing on a druidic convention).  This copy of Le Grand Fosse comes compliments of blog regular, Anais.  Merci, Anais!

Also received…

My very own noodle cup, compliments of blog regular Lise, which I promise to put to good use once I actually start making my own noodles.  Thanks, Lise!

And, of course, who can forget the miracle fruit tablets and special mugs -

Compliments of blog regular Quade.  Thanks, Quade.  They've proven very popular in the front office.

Then today, guest director Alex Chapple swung by my office bearing gifts -

A delectable assortment of Jacques Torres (Mr. Chocolate!) chocolates.  Not so much an early birthday present as it is a thank you gift for inviting him to my annual chocolate party (check the archives, ed.).  I thought that was really cool and classy of him.

Speaking of birthdays, a BIG birthday shout-out goes out today to writer/director/executive producer/good friend/fellow foodie Robert C. Cooper who is no doubt out there somewhere enjoying himself immensely NOT writing.  I'm soooooo jealous.  Happy Birthday, buddy!

Talked to Martin Gero today and, alas, he'll be unable to join Ivon and I when we hit Tokyo in December.  Turns out the Golden Boy will be busy working on a couple of super secret projects of his own.  It's exciting stuff and I can't say too much, but I will leave you with two words: ostrich gelding.

Also putting a damper on things was the performance of my Snow Monkeys in last weekend's Stargate NFL Fantasy game play.  We got our asses kicked thanks to a poor performance by Texans Quarterback Matt Schaub.  We've fallen to 1-4, but I have high hopes for this weekend's match-up vs. Petunia's Crew.  Heading into Sunday's games, I've got Bush (Raiders) and Gore (49ers) at the Running Back positions, Marshall (Dolphins) and Harvin (Vikings) at wideout, and I've picked up Moeaki (Chiefs) off waivers to bolster the TE position.  I'm losing faith in QB Schaub (Garrard [Jaguars] is my back-up and I'm also about to claim Atlanta's Matt Ryan off waivers)  and the love for my team defense (The Baltimore Ravens) continues to ebb.

Snow Monkeys Rule!

 

Tagged: Fnatasy Football, Joe Abercrombie, The Heroes

October 13, 2010: Anatomy of a Shuttle Crash

It happens every time I write a script.  About halfway through the process, I get bogged down.  I become convinced that what I've got isn't working, that whatever writing ability I once possessed has deserted me and that, very soon, I'll be called out as a fraud , forced to hand off my script to a more capable writer, and have to take a job as a chimney sweep.  Invariably, I push ahead, complete the script, and end up very happy with the finished product.  Except this time is different.  I'm bogged down.  What I've got isn't working and it's clear that whatever writing ability I once possessed has deserted me.  And it's only a matter of time before my fellow producers find out!

On the bright side, I can always look back fondly on past glories – like last night's episode of SGU, Awakening.  I've got more than a few things to say about this episode, but I'm going to wait until it airs in Canada before weighing in with the behind-the-scenes tidbits.  But since you're here, why not check out some of the pics and vids from the day we shot the shuttle crash sequence from Aftermath…

 

The blue screen crew gathers.

 

 

The model shuttle. I don't recall it being so orange in the episode.

 

Ready to fly.

 

Compare to the finished sequence -

I'm mired in this script, have to head into post tomorrow for some all day editing and, to top it off, I just discovered I missed the Die Antwoord concert at the Commodore the other night.  And I was going to ask Yo-Landi Vi$$er out for crispy duck.  Damn!

Tagged: SGU, Stargate, Stargate Universe

October 12, 2010: My episode, Awakening, airs tonight at 9:00 p.m. on SyFy! Travel Day!

By the time I touch down in Vancouver, those of you on the east coast of the U.S. will be settling down to take in the third episode of Stargate: Universe's second season. Tonight?  That's right!  9:00 p.m.!  SyFy!  Tune in!

Last season, I got more than a few fans asking about the possibility of Destiny running into one of the Ancient seed ships, those trailblazing vessels launched well in advance of Destiny, charged with the task of seeding suitable planets with stargates and establishing the path to follow.  My response to those who asked has always been to point out that, short of some sort of mechanical or system failure stranding a seed ship, it's highly unlikely the Destiny would cross paths with one. Yep, HIGHLY unlikely.

Anyway, tune in for tonight's episode of Stargate: Universe in which the Destiny crew investigates a mysterious object on the heels of a highly unlikely encounter.

The slightest of sneak peeks at the behind-the-scenes action on this one.  Setting up one of this episode's many "discovery" sequences -

October 11, 2010: 10-10-10! Lawrence's Big Day!

 

The instructions were fairly straightforward:

1) Wear a black or navy blue suit.  (Check!)

2) Wear a white dress shirt with french cuffs. (Check!  Later, uncheck as I realized I'd grabbed the wrong shirt on my way out of Vancouver).

3) Be at Lawrence's parents' place for noon.  (Check!)

I wanted to make sure I was there in time because my failure to make the previous night's bachelor pad had almost resulted in disastrous consequences for my buddy Lawrence, the groom to be.  For future reference, in the event you are throwing a bachelor party for a friend and I am unable to attend and oversee the event, please observe the following rules:

* At the beginning of the night, do NOT take away the groom-to-be's wallet and keys.  Or, if you do, keep your eye on him and do not allow him to wander off at any point!

* While it may seem like a fun idea, please do NOT get the groom-to-be drunk to the point that he is incapable of making rational decisions.  Or, if you do, keep your eye on him and do not allow him to wander off at any point!

* As the evening's festivities draw to a close, make sure you have everything before you go: wallets, credit cards, THE GROOM-TO-BE! Did you remember to keep your eye on him and not allow him to wander off at any point?!

In all fairness to the gang that organized Lawrence's stag, this post comes days too late.  How could they have possibly known that when you hit the town, take away the groom-to-be's keys and get him so drunk he is incapable of making rational decision, that you should KEEP YOUR EYE ON HIM AND NOT ALLOW HIM TO WANDER OFF AT ANY POINT!!!

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Guess what happened at the bachelor party?  At some point late in the festivities, a crazy-drunk and wallet-less Lawrence wandered off (He must have used some mad ninja skills to avoid detection otherwise there is no explaining how they could have lost THE GUEST OF HONOR).  He managed to hail a cab and offer somewhat coherent instructions that resulted in him being driven home.  Of course, the fact that he was wallet-less meant he couldn't pay the cabbie, and the fact that he was key-less meant he couldn't get inside his house to get the money to pay the cabbie.  And so, after a testy discussion, the cabbie drove off in disgust, leaving Lawrence to wander up his driveway and finally settle down for a good night's sleep. Outside his front door in the cool Autumn night air.

I suppose it could have been worse.  At the very least, he survived the night.  Nice going, guys.

So I wasn't going to let my buddy down on his big day!  His instructions said be there by noon, so I was there by noon!

My car rolled into the empty driveway.  I rang the bell.  The door was answered by some guy I didn't know who stared at me like I was trying to sell him something.  "I'm here for the wedding,"I said.

The door opened wider and, while his smile said "Come in!" his eyes said "WTF, man?  It's noon!  Okay, you can come in, but you just sit there while I finish checking out my facebook account."  As I stepped into the vestibule, I was greeted by the hoot and holler of Lawrence's family – all upstairs, still getting dressed.  "I was told noon!"I said, briefly considering the possibility of heading back out and driving around the block for an hour.

Too late.  I was ushered into the kitchen where I took a seat and feigned interest in that day's local sports page while my greeter took a seat opposite me and checked his facebook account.  Eventually (and, by eventually, I mean about a half an hour later), the rest of the groomsmen arrived – old high school acquaintance Bob, old high school acquaintance Scott, a guy called Gabby, and, finally, the man himself: Lawrence.

Buddy, please. No gang signs.

 

He brought gifts for his groomsmen: matching ties, scarves, personalized cufflinks (I was unable to wear), and, just for me…

 

Peace on toast!

 

 

Our corsages arrive. Sorry. Boutonnieres.

 

 

Lawrence's mom serves the hors d'oeuvres.

 

The photographer's assistant arrived (a lovely young lady who'd spent time in South Korea, she was an adventurous eater and we ended up discussing weird food and Asian cinema) and took a slew of pics.  She insisted on taking shots of Lawrence helping us put on our boutonnieres.  Through the magic of photography, it actually looked like he knew what he was doing.  In reality, none of us did.  Fortunately for us, the photographer was an expert at pinning those things to our jackets with minimal blood loss.

An action shot!

Also in attendance was this kid -

 

Liam, the ring-bearer.

 

Not sure whether he was someone's son or he just came with the corsages (buy a dozen, they throw in the kid for free) but the little guy had some great quotes, all directed at Lawrence:

Advising him on being on time for his own wedding: "Don't be late, slowpoke."

On his sister: "Your sister laughs a lot."

On the fact that our limo didn't show, necessitating self-drives to the ceremony: "No limo ride?  This is the worst wedding ever!"

 

Scott, Lawrence, and Bob waiting for the limo that never came.

 

We drove to the wedding site, a venerable golf course located deep in the heart of who-knows-where.  As we wound our way up past the various golfers in the midst of their games, I resisted the urge to fall back on traditional wedding car protocol and honk-HONK- HOOOOOOOOOOONK my way by.  "Nice pants, buddy!!!"

 

My buddy doing his imitation of an action figure.

 

As we headed inside, I stopped to meet a host of fellow guests. Including several who I'd apparently already met.  As Bob said after the various pleased-ta-meetcha's had been exchanged, it looked like my internal monologue was: "Hi! How awkward to meet you!"

 

The calm before the storm.

 

The guests took their seats and I was hustled to the back room where the wedding party had gathered.  The bridesmaid I'd been paired with assured me that even though I'd missed the rehearsal dinner, I'd be fine.  All I had to do was walk down the aisle with her, then split up once we hit the altar. I go right, she goes left.  The key was in the pacing. Not too fast, but not too slow.  Just follow her lead.  The music started up.  We waited.  More music.  More waiting.  Even more music. Even more waiting.  Finally, someone asked if we were going to be cued.  Groomsman Gabby scurried up to find out and then, seconds later, came bounding back, waving us forward.  We charged out of that back room like diner patrons escaping a grease fire – then slowed our pace as we hit the aisle.

 

My superior aisle-walking sets the tone for the entire evening.

 

 

The sassy bride (aka Mrs. Buddy).

 

Boy, I nailed it.  I was basking in the glory of my terrific aisle walk, so I ended up missing most of the ceremony – but from what I could gather there was a reading, another reading, the exchange of vows and rings, and that was that.  Time for dinner and it couldn't have come a moment sooner. I was starving!

Alas, as it turned out, dinner was a ways off.  The wedding party and immediate family headed out onto the grounds where we took some pics.  No, scratch that.  We headed out onto the grounds where we stood around and waited for the bride's brother who had saddled up to the open bar and was presumably in no hurry to abandon his beer.  We waited. Eventually, we sent someone inside to get him.  Then we sent someone else inside to get the both of them.  Then, moments later, someone else to get the three of them. Twenty more minutes and we'd have all been back at the bar.

Eventually, the brother came out, beer in hand, and we took photos. Then, more photos.  And more photos still.  Finally, we were done.  I headed inside, looking forward to dinner.  I was absolutely ravenous.

Unfortunately, dinner would have to wait while the bride and groom took even more shots.  So, I picked my poison, campari and soda (seriously, it DOES taste like poison!) and spent the next hour chatting with my old high school buddies, a surprisingly sober John, and Nigel who made the 12-hour car trip from Ohio with his new wife and dog. After a couple of drinks, we were instructed to make our way to the main room.  Finally!  Dinner!

Not so fast!  In order to eat, you had to make your way through the procession.  And with some 150 guests queued up, it was going to take a while.  About another hour to be exact.  The other groomsmen and I tried to keep the pace up, escorting the guests from the wedding party to their table ("Okay, granny, quit with the chit-chat!  People gotta eat!  Let's go!  Let's go!").

I ducked out to wash my hands and came back to find the parents and wedding party getting ready to head inside.  I took up position alongside my bridesmaid partner and waited.  As the emcee announced each couple in turn, their grand entrance was accompanied by a signature tune.  I wondered: What had Lawrence chosen for me?  Hero by Enrique Igelsias?  Wind Beneath My Wings?  Enter Sandman?  They announced our names and we marched in – to the theme from Star Wars.  Close enough!

Dinner, when it was finally served, was surprisingly good.

 

Butternut squash soup. A little thin but the touch of truffle oil was a pleasant surprise.

 

I'm not going to bother with a pic of the salad.  It was a salad.

 

It loses points for presentation but gets points for being perfectly cooked to a medium-rare tenderness.

The dessert was a trio made up of a dark chocolate truffle, white chocolate cake, and milk chocolate mousse.  Again, surprisingly good.

Then, it was time for the obnoxious DJ to take over.  Boy, did this guy loooove the sound of his own voice.  Two more drinks under my belt and I'm sure I would have clocked him.  It was a flashback to my wedding some twelve years back.  The shoe game!  The dancing single men!  The cutting of the cake!

 

White cake with lemon frosting. Very good.

 

Speeches, speeches, speeches.  All mercifully short and entertaining.

The proud parents.





Scott and Barb.

Come midnight, it was time for a tradition reserved for weddings and cruise lines: The Midnight Buffet!

The dessert table. Try the cookies. They're excellent.





The fruit and sandwiches table.





Buddy chows down. No word on whether he had to sleep outside his front door again last night.

All in all, a great night.  We should do it again sometime.

October 10, 2010: Wedding Day!

No, not MY wedding day.  Today, I attend the wedding of Lawrence, my oldest and most annoying friend.  I was thrilled to receive the official invite earlier this year and dropped him an email to let him know:

"Buddy,

I'm in!  I had our office assistant send back the official response today.  I noticed there was hardly any room to add additional guests to the invitation but I managed to squeeze in about twelve extra names before I ran out of space.

A few requests:

Please seat me at the table with the single hot women (or, failing that, the taken hot women who are woefully unhappy in their present relationships).

Please change the venue to somewhere a little more accessible.  Your buddy no longer lives in Montreal and doesn't know the area as well as he used to.

Please forward me the menu asap so I can make any necessary requests and/or changes.

Please ensure your wedding cake includes marzipan.  I know a lot of people don't like it, but I LOVE IT!

Please make sure it's an open bar.  I plan to get really drunk and cause a scene like you did at my wedding (or maybe John did.  I can't remember.)

Buddy

P.S. Where should I send copies of my airplane ticket so that I can be reimbursed for the trip?"

Lawrence wrote back to inform me that he was working on my requests, then proceeded to give me a rundown of what would be expected of me on the day.  Turns out I was scheduled to be a member of the wedding party!  Unfortunately, my own schedule would not get me into town in time for the rehearsal dinner, so I had to break the news:

"Buddy,

I'm afraid I might have to limit my play-by-play commentary during the ceremony to the audience.  I'm going to be flying in Friday and won't be able to make the rehearsal."

To which Lawrence responded:

"Buddy,

The guests will be disappointed.   Especially once they meet you.

Good thing you are highly skilled in dance, song and pantomime.  In addition, your extensive study of eating means you will not need the dinner rehearsal.   I will send you the study guide and homework to do at home.  I am confident you won't embarrass us."

Famous last words.  The prospect of not knowing all the dance steps or walking in the wrong door during the ceremony led me to fire off another missive:

"Buddy,

The way my schedule is lining up, it's going to be very difficult for me to be part of the wedding party.  I would suggest either: a) going on without me or, b) rescheduling your wedding to fall on Christmas week when I'll have more time.

Let me know which works best for you."

Lawrence wasted no time in responding:

"Buddy.  No problem. Your role is easy.  As long as you are there on the 10th we are good. Got you your tie and pocket scarf. And a gift  All you need is a black suit and White shirt. French cuff recommended.  No other duties than looking good.  Well, we can skip that too."

I wrote back: "Buddy, I was hoping my presence would be my gift."

He wrote back: "Buddy.  You made a typo.  It's "presents" not "presence".

I'd resigned myself to the fact that I was to be a member of the wedding party – with absolutely no preparation.  Lawrence insisted it wouldn't be a problem, but I had to wonder: If it wasn't going to be problem, why the need for a rehearsal dinner?  Anyway, about a week before the wedding, he sent me the following:

"Sunday – need to be at my folks by around 12:00 (noon).   There will be pictures then a limo to the club.  At the club I just need you to sample the food and ask people's weight when they arrive.  Then, of course, you are giving away the groom.

I have a tie and cufflinks for you (something special for my buddy) and ask that you wear a dark navy blue or black suit, with a white French cuff shirt.

My buddy's name is already printed on the program so you cannot miss it now.  Plus, you will have to be announced to walk in before the reception.  Don't worry buddy, it will be nothing too embarrassing.  Not until John has a few drinks.  I have also put you at the family table, because after my sister, you are pretty much a second sister to me."

I replied:

"Buddy,

Yes, I'm in.  You think YOU'RE busy?  Just the other day, I had to make a special trip to the pharmacy to get you guys a wedding card!  I couldn't find the right one so I just picked one at random, crossed out what was written, and wrote in my own heartfelt sentiments."

Check it out -

 

I also wrote: "Good for noon on Sunday but request my own photographer and photo approval on any shots taken of me on the day.  If I have to sign any, they'll be $25 a pop.

And thanks for telling me what the rest of the wedding party is wearing so I can avoid replicating their look.  I really want to stand out on the day."

Will report back with a full review of the festivities in tomorrow's blog.  In the meantime, please enjoy this picture of my frenchie Lulu looking mortified in her new doggy shirt.

And this pic of my three pugs squeezed into their giant doughnut bed.

 

Today's blog entry is dedicated to the South Carolina Gamecocks.