Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 478

December 18, 2012: Kyaa! And the mailbag!

Black Hawk down

Over the almost three years we’ve been together, I’ve gotten know a lot about Akemi.  For one, she’s an amazing cook.  She also excels at gift-wrapping.  She’s incredibly kind and considerate.  She loves dogs (especially Bubba).  She’s afraid of spiders, mysterious night time noises, and any food that has been sitting in the refrigerator for over a week.  Oh, and she’s a tad klutzy.  The sight of her wielding a kitchen knife fills me with dread. Still, There’s something downright adorable about the way she’ll trip over the most seemingly innocuous things (a rock, the curb, a discarded lozenge), shouting “Ooooo!” or “Kyaa!” or loosening a cross between a shriek and squeak as she stumbles forward, arms windmilling, hands scrambling for purchase.  I have never known a woman with such bad walking luck.  It’s as if there exists some inexplicable law of attraction between the heels of her shoes and every crack and cranny in the sidewalk.  It’s kind of amusing, almost endearing – unless she has her arm around you at the time in which case, depending on how well-balanced you are in that split second, you could be going down for the count along with her.

There was the time she tripped over the bicycle path while carrying Jelly and fell flat on her face like some hard luck cartoon character, arms outstretched, buffering the blow for my eldest pug who landed, none the worse for wear, and ambled off.  There was the time she tripped going up the stairs and broke her glasses.  And then, there was the other day…

I came home to find her at the door, looking incredibly sheepish.  ”I fell again,”she admitted and then, after showing me the beginnings of her various bruises, proceeded to re-enact the sequence of events.  She was playing keepaway with our french bulldog, Lulu.  Dog toy in hand, she raced down the hall, Lulu hot on her heels.  But she was moving too fast, failed to negotiate the turn and wiped out, landing as pictured above – sprawled, left arm extended and still clutching the dog toy. Lulu stopped and looked down at her, perhaps considering how best to console her – then decided against it, grabbed the dog toy out of her hand, and scampered away with her prize.

As a result, I’ve decided to revise my Christmas list insofar as Akemi is concerned.  I’m thinking either this -

These -

Aluminum alloy toe guards.

Or this -

Personal air bag system. (http://www.coroflot.com/MatthewTucker/Free-Fall-Tool-Harness-and-Personal-Airbag-System)

Mailbag:

Anthony Porter writes: “It’s the worst thing to happen to Salt Lake since the Giant Brine Shrimp! (http://youtu.be/OEQd17JjxxU).”

Answer: Terrifyingly tasty!

dasndanger writes: “Joe, I have a few questions…  1. Are you going to restart the BOTM club, perhaps in the new year?”

Answer: Thinking about it.

“2. If so, can we do Dark Matter? (I’m pretty sure we haven’t, though I know you’ve answered questions about it already throughout various blog entries.)”

Answer: Hmmm.  I thought we had discussed Dark Matter as a book of the month club selection but, apparently, we haven’t.  Great idea now that the trade paperback is out.  I’ll schedule it for February.

3. If the BOTM thing is too much, what about a book every other month, or so?

Answer: No, a book a month is fine.  And I think I’ll start taking requests this time around as well.

4. Regarding previous BOTM Q&As, when an author doesn’t get back to you with the answers, does it put you off their work?

Answer: Not so much their work as it does hosting a book of the month club.  I understand people are busy and try to make things as easy as possible for them to participate – gauging their interest at first and, if they’re keen, sending them the Q&A, informing them that they are free to pick and choose among the questions and that there is no hard deadline to get back to us.  Even so, a few of those Q&A’s went out, never to be responded to.  And when it happen twice in a row, well, I decided to put the club on indefinite hiatus.

5. Are you reading any comics at the moment?

Answer: I am.  In trades, I just finished up Jason Aaron’s Scalped and am still reading Kirkman’s The Walking Dead, Lemire’s Sweet Tooth, and Layman and Guillory’s Chew.  As far as ongoing titles, I used to love Iron Man and The Ultimates, but dropped them soon after the creative shift.  Still enjoying Waid’s work on Daredevil and Rucka’s Punisher.  Same goes for Scott Snyder’s Batman.  Jason Aaron on Thor has been a pleasant surprise as has Mark Waid’s take on the Hulk.  Fantastic Four, with Fraction assuming writing duties, has also impressed.  Still picking up Ultimate Spiderman and Matt Fraction’s Hawkeye.  Am sticking with All-New X-Men, Avengers Arena Thunderbolts, and Captain American for now.

PBMom writes: “Thanks everyone for the Patrick birthday wishes. He had a bad seizure on Saturday, but he is okay today. Had a quiet day at school. We go back to the doctor for him after the holidays.”

Answer: Here’s hoping for a happy and restful holiday for both you Patrick.

Bella&Kasper writes: “We had a harrowing experience last night. On the way home from Christmas & wedding (my step daughter is getting married Fri with a reception at our place) shopping, I hit a moose with my brand new little Subaru Forester.”

Answer: Glad to hear you and your hubby are okay (well, better than your Subaru anyway).  Where did this happen?

Maggiemayday writes: “Mmm, marzipan. I adore marzipan.”

Answer: Marzipan is a contentious issue.  It’s hard to find people not passionate on the subject.  I, for one, love it.  On other hand, you have people like Akemi and my writing partner, Paul, who hate it.

Paloosa writes: “I got some good news this past week. Thankfully, Norman hasn’t grown much and is considered stable. I don’t have to worry about the little dude for another year.”

Answer: Great to hear.

Ponytail writes: “Hilarious convesation with Akemi. That first picture of her is very pretty. Is it recent? I’m just noting the sleeveless dress. You must keep a very warm house.”

Answer: That’s Japanese fashion for you.  Today, she wore a skirt out shopping.  In 0 degree (32 Fahrenheit) weather.

mike mcginnis writes: “when is the SGA recap going to continue?”

Answer: Our trip down Stargate: Atlantis memory lane will continue, with SGA’s fifth and final season, in the new year.

December 17, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Lightspeed!

Dis movie suck more den Grover’s aunt Tildy at a Shriner’s convention.

Movie begin wit guy walking down a dark alley where he encounter shaky creep hiding under dirty blanket.  To most sane people, dis be invitation to skedaddle.  But not dis guy.  He stand and watch as – in movie’s most horrifying sequence – creep trow off blanket and KNOCK COFFEE CUP OUT OF GUY’S HAND.  HE GET COFEE EVERYWHERE!!!

Oh, and he a snake man.

CUT TO: SWAT team, Ghost Squad, showing up at scene of some heist. Team members given orders: “You, you and you – go dis way.  You, you, and you go dat way.”  You, you, and you?  You tink dat, maybe, dese guys might be on a first name basis?

Inside building, armed thugs everywhere.  Dey led by Snake Man who stroll around all nonchalant, wearing a towel draped over his head like he just finished a spa treatment.  He joined by guy whose coffee he spilled in alley.  Turns out it he be Snake Man’s brother.  Me tink.

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December 16, 2012: Did you miss Santa’s helpers? A trip to the Vancouver Christmas Market!

“Did you miss Santa’s helper?”I heard Akemi ask me.

“Did I miss Santa’s helper?”I asked back.

“Did you meet Sam and Andy?”she seemed to say.

“Did I meet Sam and Andy?”I echoed back quizzically.

“Did you meet Uncle Stansby?”she tried again, the frustration clearly mounting.

“Did I meet Uncle Stansby?”I repeated, growing equally weary.

“DID – YOU – MIS-UNDERSTAND ME?!!!”

Yes.  In fact, I had!

Today, we went to the Vancouver Christmas Market, taking advantage of a rare non-rainy day to take in the German-themed fare.

This place made me think of Carl.

And the chocolate covered marzipan made me think of Alexander.

Mulled wine. Better in theory.

A trio of offerings at the Nudel Haus.

Akemi and friend.

Creepy German wooden toys.

Things get busy fast.

Schnitzel wrap

Akemi ready to indulge in some currywurst.

Spaetzle with ham, cheese, and fried onions.

At one point (at Akemi’s insistence) we waited twenty minutes to check out a vast selection of special Christmas ornaments.  Fifteen minutes into the chilly line-up, I said to Akemi: “This better be the greatest collection of Christmas ornaments in existence.”

In case you’re thinking of going – they weren’t.

Vancouver Christmas Market | November 24 – December 24 | A …

Our Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes tomorrow as guest critic Cookie Monster drops by for his review of Lightspeed.  I hear he has a lot to say about this one…

Off to watch the Survivor finale.  If Malcolm makes it to the finale, the grand prize is his.

December 15, 2012: Happy Birthday Aspen!

My sister’s husky, Aspen, celebrated his 13th birthday today.  It’s quite an achievement given the circumstances.  The poor boy is battling cancer and has been having a rough time of late.  The mass is putting pressure and slowing circulation to one of his paws and causing swelling in his leg.  Sis has been bringing him in to physio three times a week.

Apparently, the hydro-therapy helps – but it’s exhausting.

I know what sis is going through as I went through the exact same thing with Maximus.  He’d have his good days and his bad days – and, while the bad days never failed to make me doubt the course of treatment, the good days always confirmed I’d made the right choice.

So good luck to Aspen and sis.   Today’s blog entry is dedicated to you both.  And also to Line Noise and Bella.

December 14, 2012: A strange, sad day

This morning, I dropped off Jelly at the vet hospital for her scheduled ultrasound.  She’s been prone to bladder infections over the past couple of years and, lately, in the past few weeks, has been having an alarming number of “accidents” in the house.  She’s going to be fourteen this February so, yes, she is getting on in years and that may account for it, but these recent developments have come on so suddenly that I thought it best to get her checked out just in case.

Jelly

As I always do whenever one of my dogs is about to undergo a procedure, I have someone run me through the specifics.  No anesthesia, I was informed.  She’d be brought into a dark, quiet room where the ultrasound device would use high frequency sound waves to create an image of her stomach and bladder.  It would be relaxed, non-invasive and, at the end of the day, perhaps one of the more pleasant of diagnostics.  It sounded so nice I was tempted to make an appointment for myself as well!

I was told they would phone me with the results and a pick-up time for Jelly, so I drove back home and had just sat down to catch up on my emails when I noticed the breaking story on the news feeds.  Shocking and incredibly sad.  While I’m sure this incident will reignite the long-standing debate on gun control, I think the bigger issue should be mental health and what, if anything, can be done to protect the general population from individuals with obvious psychological issues.

Today’s shooting comes on the heels of a report that an ex-doctor who murdered his own children, aged 5 and 3, during a bitter dispute with his wife, has been released after spending four years in a psychiatric facility.  Four years!  Ex-doctor’s release proves need for new law, minister says.  Just last week here in Vancouver, a man who had been seeing a hospital psychiatrist, attacked three random elderly women, two of whom remain in critical condition.  I’m not sure what the answer is but, clearly, the system we have in place isn’t working.  I feel as though we just had this conversation (November 29, 2012: Soliciting your opinions on parental responsibility and time travel opportunities! and November 30, 2012: On parental responsibility and time travel II!).

Anyway, today’s events were horrific.  And only ten days from Christmas.  I can’t imagine what the grieving parents must be going through.  Heartbreaking.

Suffice it to say, I found it difficult to accomplish much today outside of following the news reports.  I picked up Jelly later this afternoon and, about an hour later, received a call from the vet.  On the one hand, there was no sign of any mass in her bladder (a worst case possibility they had warned me about), but something in the results set off, well, if not alarm bells then let’s call them pre-alarm bells.  She told me it wasn’t necessarily the case, but there was a chance Jelly could have developed Cushing’s Syndrome, an overproduction of the hormone cortisol, usually the result of a tumor in either adrenal or pituitary gland.  The disease is apparently more common in older dogs and treatment can be tricky because, in many cases, the side effects of the treatment are often worse than the disease itself.  She asked me whether I’d noticed some recent changes in Jelly’s behavior…

Is she drinking a lot more water?  Is she peeing more?  Does she pant a lot?  Does she always seem very hungry?  Well, she’s a pug.  As for the other three symptoms – yes, yes, and yes.  Perhaps more alarming is the fact that these self-same symptoms have cropped up in Lulu lately.  In the past couple of weeks, she just can’t seem to get enough water.  Or food.  She’ll park herself in front of the wok kitchen where I store the dog food and barks until she gets a some kibble.  Very unusual for her.  And, yes, she’s been doing A LOT of heavy panting at night.

Lulu

Jelly is scheduled to go in for some follow-up tests next week and I’m considering bringing Lulu in as well.

Bubba – no symptoms. But he has his own issues.

I’d received the call from the vet while Akemi and I were out shopping for groceries and, as I explained the situation to her, the older woman walking in front of us informed me that her brother died of Cushings. He had mistakenly been diagnosed with diabetes – apparently the symptoms are similar – and was treated with insulin.  In this case, the cure contributed to his death.  A sad story but she seemed spirited if not a little wistful.  She stopped at the bus shelter.  I noticed the roller bag sitting beside her.  ”Come on,”I said.  ”Let me give you a lift.”  She thanked me for the offer but informed me that her destination was well out of my way – a good twenty minute drive from where we were.  But, given the type of day I’d had, I actually looked forward to a leisurely ride through a new neighborhood.

And so, I popped her stuff in the trunk and gave her a lift.  She was delightful company, an Irish transplant who shares my mom’s affinity for dogs and Maeve Binchy books.

Sure, it was twenty minutes out of my way – and I did get lost on the way back home – but it was, nevertheless, the high point of my day.

December 13, 2012: Miss Shelby’s Hard-Luck Scammer!

Akemi and I had just finished our evening workout and were preparing to take the dogs out for their last backyard bathroom visit of the night when, suddenly, the doorbell rang.  My first thought was: “Damn charity canvassers.  I’ll just ignore them.”  And then, as the realization dawned, my second thought was: “It’s 10:00 p.m.  That’s no charity canvasser.”  I remembered reading that if someone ever comes to your door, if nothing else, you should let them know you’re home – just in case they’re casing the place in preparation to rob it.  And, after my brush with a potential home invasion a couple of years back (March 21, 2009: Hi! I was just in the neighborhood and thought I’d break in!) I wasn’t about to take any chances.  So, I turned on all the lights and looked out the handy window that flanks my door.

Some stranger stood on the porch.  Maybe mid-forties, dressed a little shabbily, he seemed to perk up at the sight of me peering out at him. “Yeah?”was my less-than-warm greeting.

“Hi,”he said, loudly enough to be heard through the closed door.  ”I’ve been doing some work for Miss Shelby down the road and I have a flat. I was wondering if I could borrow some cab fare to get home.”

It’s not that I was unsympathetic.  Just extremely distrustful.

Mistake #1: If he was “doing some work for Miss Shelby”, why wasn’t SHE footing the cab fare?

Mistake #2: Since 95% of the homes in my neighborhood are Chinese-owned, the selection of “Shelby” as a possible run-of-the-mill-maybe-that-IS-my-neighbor’s-name was a poor choice on his part.  If he’d gone with “I was doing some work for Mrs. Luang down the road and I have a flat”, I probably would have been more inclined to…well, not believe him, but certainly give him a little more credit for the effort.

“Sorry,”I told him.  ”I don’t open my doors to strangers after ten p.m.”. In truth, I rarely if ever open my doors to strangers unless I’m in a haranguing mood.

He looked down at his watch and seemed to think: “Shit.  If I’d just come ten minutes earlier, I’d have cab fare right now!”, looked up and opened his mouth to say something, then thought better of it, turned around and headed back down the walk.  He was considerate enough to close the front gate on his way out.

I actually considered checking his story out by hopping into my SUV and circling around the block in search of a car with a flat tire, but changed my mind after imagining that, if he was truly resourceful, he could have flattened some poor, unsuspecting shmo’s tire in the hope that someone would do just that.  So, instead, I skipped the car ride and took the dogs out to the backyard as planned, one eye on the Jelly, Bubba, and Lulu, the other eye on the shadowy side of the house (which I imagined as the ideal area from which to launch an ambush).

Well, the rest of the night was uneventful.  But that didn’t stop Akemi from suggesting we start locking the front gate after dark.  I think she’s a little spooked because this incident comes on the heels of another incident that occurred in Japan.  Apparently, a friend was alone one night when she heard someone trying to force the front door of the family home.  She yelled and the would-be burglar abandoned his efforts and left.  The next day, the police informed her that, since the intruder didn’t actually gain access to the house, there was no point in dusting for fingerprints.  If, in the future, said intruder succeeded in gaining entry, then they would certainly dust for prints wherever he happened to leave them (ie. the inside of the doorjamb, the t.v., her throat).

Whenever the subject of home burglaries comes up, I’m always reminded of the Jason Momoa story.  Back in his first year on Atlantis, Jason was living in a modest apartment in the downtown center.  One night, he was awakened by whispers outside his front door, then the rattle of the doorknob.  Someone – someONES! – was trying to break in.  As the hushed conversation continued on the other side of the door, Jason crawled out of bed and grabbed the first things handy – a couple of ice axes he’d used on a recent mountain climbing outing. The doorknob rattled.  Heart pounding, Jason quietly approached and then -

Threw open the door and jumped out, loosening a no-doubt horrific howl of rage.  I’m sure that, to many of his fans, the prospect of having a half-dressed Jason Momoa towering over them would be the stuff of dreams – but in the case of these two fellows, a half-dressed, 6’4 raging over them with an ice axe in each hand was more the stuff of nightmares.  They bolted like a couple of scared rabbits – and, I like to imagine, shit their pants as well.

December 12, 2012: News of note!

Damn.  What do you have to do to get your blog featured on wordpress?  Yesterday’s entry, December 11, 2012: An Apocalypse Primer!, was perfect Freshly Pressed material!

Heads up!  http://gizmodo.com/5968007/north-korea-satellite-out-of-control-why-this-is-very-bad-news

Planning a vacation?  Don’t know where to go?  Here, let me help by offering you a list of places NOT to go:  http://allwomenstalk.com/top-dangerous-places-to-go-on-vacation/.  So much for that summer getaway in Liberia.

In memory of those (video game characters) we lost in 2012:

“30 years ago one could buy a pass for lifelong, unlimited first-class travel with American Airlines.  Now American Airlines is suing people who did”.  And other tricks busineses use to rip you off: http://www.omg-facts.com/lists/12/17-Tricks-Businesses-Use-to-Secretly-Rip-You-Off/1?fromTP

This (Report: Google Maps Is Coming Back to iOS Tonight!) is not at all surprising after this (4 nightmare scenarios involving Apple Maps).

Well now, this looks interesting:

Maybe after he’s done hosting our Superhero Movie of the Week Club (sometime in late 2013), Cookie Monster can move on to a Superflop of the Week Club: http://thefw.com/john-carter-and-15-of-the-biggest-movie-flops-of-all-time/?utm_source=zergnet.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=zergnet_27318. There was a 134 million dollar movie called Stealth?  What’s a Delgo?

Just in time for your winter cleaning: http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/33-meticulous-cleaning-tricks-for-the-ocd-person-i

And my former assistant passed on my suggestion to name his newborn Spearmint: 

 

December 11, 2012: An Apocalypse Primer!

NASA/JPL-Caltech

With the Apocalypse almost upon us, I thought it might be nice to take some time and offer up a brief overview of the impending global cataclysm so that you can all have a better understanding of exactly what the hell is going on as the world around you comes to its ignoble end.  The ensuing information is the result of my exhaustive research (I perused wikipedia and a couple of crackpot sites) on the subject and will hopefully offer some solace as humanity faces the greatest mass hysteria-fueled Armageddon since Y2K…

Don’t delay.  Pack your bags, say your goodbyes, and board that space shuttle for the Mars colony.  There’s no time to waste as… Oh.  You didn’t have the foresight to purchase a ticket to the Mars colony? Well, sorry to say they sold out years ago right after that Roland Emmerich movie came out.  On the bright side, you don’t have to worry about what to pack.  Or kissing anyone goodbye (your own ass doesn’t count) because we’ll all be going together on…

December 21, 2012.  IF the Mayan are to be believed.  No, scratch that.  Technically, they Mayans didn’t make any apocalyptic predictions.  They just happened to create a calendar that ends on the aforementioned date.  But why, you no doubt wonder, THAT particular day?  No one knows for certain but many read dark portents in this ancient decision.  Others, like my writing partners, Paul, figure the Mayans simply figured “Yeah, five thousand years is long enough.  Let’s stop there.”  The Mayans may not have specifically foretold of the end times, but that didn’t stop many “experts” from inferring as much, their conclusions drawn from loose interpretations of similar doomsday prophecies, suspect astronomy, and personal theories occasionally born of far out mushroom trips.

Frightening but true.  The Mayans were not the only ones to predict the world would end on December 21, 2012 be co-opted into loony December 21, 2012 doomsday theories.  The Hopi Indians, the I-Ching (as interpreted by some “psychonaut”), even Nostradamus himself hint at some extinction-level event occurring sometime in the vague future…Oh, let’s pick a date…say…December 21, 2012.

December 21, 2012?  O.M.G.!

Well, that pretty much confirms it then.  With that out of the way, let’s shake things up a little and adopt a totally different tact.  Let’s try applying logic to the the Apocalypse.  Exactly what will happen?  And, more importantly, why?

Hmmm.  It really depends on who you ask.  Many New Age “experts” see the December 21, 2012 not as a date of doom, but as one of regenesis in which humanity will enter a new more enlightened phase, a “culmination in synchronization of individuals plugged into Earth’s eletromagnetic battery as a result of the planet’s passage through a galactic synchronization beam that started in 3113 B.C” (Wiki).  Indian guru Kalki Bhagavin, presumed by his 15 million followers to be the incarnation of the god Vishnu, sees 2012 as the “deadline for human enlightenment” (Wiki).

Other presumptions are decidedly more downbeat:

A galactic alignment will place our planet smack dab in the center of a gravitational pull between our sun and, Saggitarius A, the supermassive black hole at the center of our galaxy.  Never mind that the black hole is 30 000 light years from Earth.  Oh, and that this already happened back in 1998.

A massive solar flare will trigger a geomagnetic reversal that will see the positions of magnetic north and magnetic south switch resulting in toilets flushing clockwise in Australia and counter-clockwise in North America.  Never mind the fact that these reversals take anywhere from 1000 to 10 0000 years to complete and don’t happen overnight – like, say, the evening of December 20th, 2012.

A rogue planet (referred to as either Planet X or Nibiru by those in the know) will collide with Earth, crushing half the world’s population (and my dream of some day visiting Singapore) and leaving the other half to a far worse fate.  Never mind the fact that, if there WAS a rogue planet on a collision course with Earth and scheduled to hit us in less than two weeks, someone with a telescope might have noticed THERE’S A PLANET HEADED STRAIGHT FOR US!

UNLESS every single person who noticed has been sworn to secrecy. Which brings us to the next doomsday scenario: An alien invasion! There are rumors that SETI has been sitting on the news that three alien spacecraft have been spotted on an Earth-bound course. Estimated time of arrival?  Oh, around December 21, 2012. There’s even proof (provided by a Denver-based media company) in the form of a picture that shows the trio of UFO’s enroute.  Never mind that astronomer Phil Plait has demonstrated that if the UFO’s “in the photo were as large as claimed, [they] would have had to be closer to Earth than the Moon, which would mean [they] would already have arrived.” (Wiki).

The red super-giant, Betelgeuse, will go supernova, crispy frying Earth and quashing Alabama’s hopes of a repeat National Championship. Never mind the fact that Betelgeuse would need to be approximately 575 light years closer to affect us if it went supernova.

Photon belts!  Never mind the fact that they don’t exist.

But don’t let me rain on your apocalyptic parade.  I’m sure there are far more plausible (though, admittedly, far less popular) doomsday scenarios out there.  Supervolcanoes, a spiteful suddenly sentient internet, and robot monkeys are just a few that come to mind.

So get out there and enjoy the time you have left.  And, if I’m wrong and these doomsday enthusiasts are right, then who’ll be laughing December 22nd?

Obviously, no one.

 

Tagged: 2012, alien invasion, Apocalypse, Armageddon, Betelgeuse, cataclysm, December 21 2012, End of the World, end times, galactic alignment, geomagnetic reversal, Maya Calendar, Mayan prediction, Nibiru, photon belts, Planet X, prophecy, robot monkeys, Saggitarius A, sentient internet, singularity, supernova, supervolcanoes, The Apocalypse, world end

December 10, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews My Super Ex-Girlfriend!

Dis movie reminiscent of monster’s ex-girlfriend, Mona Hildeberger. One time, she get so mad after me use dishwasher to dry socks dat she spike monster’s L’Oreal shampoo wit Nair hair remover.  For two months while wait for fur to grow back, me kept getting mistaken for member of Blue Man Group.  Very unpleasant memories.

Fortunately, dis movie not so unpleasant at all.  It never fully realize its potenshul, but it still solid wit nice fun bits.  Just like Mona Hildeberger.

Beware of hot nerds!

Matt just be a regular, shy office guy who looking for a woman to love. He tink he find her in Jenny Johnson, a seksy nerd he meet on de subway.  She seems very sweet – but awkward and distrakted.  And, it turn out, for good reason.  Becuz nerdy Jenny Johnson really a seksy superhero called G-Girl!

Beware of seksy superheroes!

She take him flying.  She break his bed trying to bang him.  Life be pretty good for Matt.

Perks of dating a superhero = no traffik!

UNTIL tings start to get weird.  Problem #1: he kidnapped and roughed up by G-Girl’s arch-nemesis, Professor Bedlam, played by de always awesome Eddie Izzard.  Apparently, he old high school friend of Jenny’s and still sekretly in love wit her (and VERY jealous of Matt). But dis pale in comparison to problem #2: Jenny be a crazy woman!  She super alright.  Super jealous and super unstable!

Nuts!  Insane!  Bonzo!  No longer in possession of one’s fakulties!  Tree fries short of a Happy Meal!  Waaaackooo!

Matt’s super ex-girlfriend make his life a living hell.  She tear up his apartment.  Tosses his car into orbit.  And, in one partikularly inspired scene, she trow a shark at him after he hook up wit girl from his office!

“Just kidding about de whole break-up tiing…”

Matt be super-screwed.  But salvation come from a most unlikely source = Professor Bedlam who, now in possession of super power-leeching meteor, need Matt’s help to set up G-Girl.  And poor, harassed Matt only to happy to oblige.

Super super-villain!

Matt profess his love for Jenny/G-Girl and convince her to join her at his place.  Everyting going according to plan until – girl from his office show up.  All sorts of awkward!  G-Girl about to beat crap out of Matt when – Dwight from De Office show up and open gift box containing meteor.  G-Girl lose her powers.  At which point Professor Bedlam show up!  Chaos!  Meteor blows and return superpowers to G-Girl!  But office girl get super powers too!  Super catfight ensue!

Who win?  G-Girl?  Office Girl?  Neither.  Love conquer all!  Professor Bedlam profess his love for G-Girl!  And Matt get himself a new super girlfriend in Office Girl!

Verdikt: It great to see a woman in dominant role.  Monster like dis. Grover like dis too but in completely different scenario me not comfortable talking about here.

Rating: 7 chocolate chippee cookies.

 

Tagged: Comic Books, Comics, Cookie Monster, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, superhero movies, superheroes, SuperMovie of the Week Club

December 9, 2012: Snow Dogs!

Well, they would be – IF there was snow on the ground.  And IF they were outside braving the elements like those courageous pooches in that Cuba Gooding Jr. movie instead of just parking themselves under the Christmas tree in expectation of a treat.  All the same, they’re clearly in the holiday spirit – Jelly, lounging amid the tinsel, Bubba suspiciously sniffing presents, Lulu furtively snacking on low-hanging ornaments.

No football for me today.  And I didn’t really miss it.  Akemi had a hankering for pancakes, so we headed over to De Dutch where she got her fix -

Banana Maple Nut style!

Then it was over to Home Depot where I was disappointed to learn they’d sold out of indoor Christmas lights.  As a result, this was the best we Akemi could do:

She did a great job, decorating the tree with an even mix of the tasteful and tasteless.

While Akemi wrapped gifts, I did a little work, finishing up the series bible and script outline for that SF series we hope will get the oh-so-elusive green light.  If not, then l may consider an alternate career path that will allow me to maximize my skills set (which includes speed reading, watching t.v. on DVD, and, as of today, making a mean chicken, eggplant and sweet potato yellow curry).

Well, because my bitterness knows no bounds, I’m no longer paying attention to the NFL.  But I did check in with our fantasy football league playoffs so that I could congratulate the following first-round winners: The Landsharks, Tebow Sucks, The Mighty Molsons and, in all probability, The Vinegar Strokes.  My, aren’t we successful?

These closing doggy photos compliments of Akemi (www.peasnatch.wordpress.com):

Tagged: Dogs, french bulldog, pugs