Stephanie Dolgoff's Blog, page 4

Love this post! from Autumn

This blog is my story, all over.

I am a Formerly Hot blonde..always the ‘pretty one’ in the family, never lacking for attention or dates. Fast forward…I’m now 42, mother of four blonde blessings, and yes….going through a totally-typical divorce. The funny thing is…during a fifteen-yr abusive marriage, I was brought so low that I had completely ‘let myself go’ (and I despise that saying!)   Now that I’m free, I’m finally strong enough to take the time and effort to take care of ME…haircuts, highlights, tanning, whitening my teeth…and eating healthfully and exercising, of course. I had become so accustomed to being virtually invisible during my thirties that the scant attention I now still receive from men just absolutely floors me! Ah, it’s good to find that girl again. Yes, the men paying attention are my age or older, but that’s as it should be, and fine with me!

Ladies, you’re still hot…just hot now to a different demographic. Embrace it: it’s not gone! 

Shape shifters

I didn’t take the cruise’s towel origami workshop, but I thought this little guy was cute

I’m not a bikini person.

I’ve never had a flat belly in my life, and after my twins, my norm is a not-flat belly with loose, puckered skin that flops a little over whatever waistband I wear. Even at my thinnest (see: Divorce Diet) I have always felt that my abs are better suited for a one-piece or one of those tankinis with a flap of fabric hung like a little dog door  from a bikini top.

But I just went on my first-ever cruise (the silver lining from that horrible shipwreck in Italy is that prices dropped and everyone is extra careful now) and as I was packing, I threw my bikini in. Ef it, I thought. I can’t believe I will be the only one with a postpartum belly on board, and if I am, then let it be known what we women go through for our children, damn it!

I also threw in a tankini top, fully expecting to have lost my body image bravado when faced with actually exposing my midsection.

But I didn’t! It helped that there were all body sizes and shapes on board, many in bikinis, but I also had a distinct shift in mindset. The last time I tried to wear one, back in my 20s, my attitude was, “I don’t look as good as I should in this bikini.” Looking down at my belly now that I’m almost 45, my first thought was, “I don’t look as bad as I could in this bikini,” which morphed into, “In fact, I look downright fine, and who’s looking anyway?”

Best vacation I’ve ever had. More proof of what I apparently have to learn again and again over the years: That actual looks don’t matter nearly as much as how you feel about how you look. In my experience, changing how you feel about how you look is a lot harder than slapping on some makeup or even doing 700 crunches a day, if you were so inclined. Still, I think the latter is a better investment of emotional energy.

Thoughts?

No comparison

Below, my latest for BestLife.com. You can read the whole thing HERE. Please feel free to comment here, there and everywhere!

The End of the Comparathon

Posted By Stephanie Dolgoff on March 18, 2012

Reason number 963 I'm officially glad I'm not young anymore: The comparathon is officially over.

Here's what I mean. I had a major girl crush on a woman in college I barely knew. She seemed so at ease at the keg parties and protest meetings, emanating a cool aloofness that gave her a command of the room. When I saw her, I instantly felt like a big, cloying clown trying to make people like me through laughter. Her way seemed so much, well, better.

This obsession was but one example of the terrible habit I had when I was in my 20s—I constantly compared myself to other women, reflexively, like breathing.

The willowy woman at the next table, snarfing down a burger and fries? The mere fact of her whippet-thin body and lightening quick metabolism made me a big fat slug. That happy couple sitting across from me on the subway, gazing lovingly at each other—clearly they had a wonderful, enviable, perfect relationship, which only highlighted how mine were often hopelessly complicated. FULL ARTICLE HERE.

When commitments conflict

When to Break a Commitment

Posted By Stephanie Dolgoff on February 19, 2012

I'm going through a divorce, which is hideous, as anyone who has been through one knows. Not only are you mourning the death of the family you dreamed about and worked so hard to build, but if you speak or write about it in public, as I have, you deal with people who (believe it or not) truly think that you represent all that is wrong with society: a failure to live up to commitments.

I have no Earthly idea how, if all of us in marriages that make us feel terrible about ourselves were to stay put, the world would be a better place. In some magical way, there would be no nuclear threat, everyone would have enough to eat, cancer would be as rare as leprosy and cartoon sparrows and butterflies would flutter and chirp around us like Snow White pre-apple. Oh, and weight loss would be a breeze.

Yeah, no. With the possible exception of Kim Kardashian and her ilk, most people who divorce do so only after exhausting all other means of keeping the commitment alive, and after long and painful introspection about what it means to break a commitment. This process has taught me that some commitments—ones that interfere with other, more important ones you've made to yourself and to others—should be broken.

READ THE WHOLE POST HERE AT BESTLIFE.COM

And the beat goes on

A reenactment of Viv's expression when I told her that it was lead guitarist Charlotte Caffey of the Go-Gos, and not Disney Channel actress Debby Ryan, who wrote "We Got the Beat". And that it came out when I was 13. And that it was better. Just sayin'.

The perceived safety of age

My friend Joel forwarded me this post from a blog called Finslippy–very Formerly post, and well-written to boot. I'd love your take on it…it seems the author, Alice Bradley, tried and understandably failed to find the levity in her topic. I could never make this issue funny either, and in my mission to help women laugh about the indignities of this adult tween phase of life, I glossed over it.

But I appreciate her writing it. As I've posted about, I, too, have braced for the catcalls I, like most young women, used to endure, and instead heard sound of cartoon crickets chirping. Over time, and now that I am 44, that has become a relief, and I have certainly never missed feeling at the mercy of sweaty catcalling guys drinking 40s on milk crates in front of the corner bodega. When I was a teenager, I felt assaulted by the attention, that my body was not my own, that every stare or grope or subway masturbator took a piece of it with him, so there hardly anything left of me. I'm pretty sure the crappy body image and eating disorder I dealt with back then was a direct result of feeling like there were no boundaries to protect me. This is a young woman thing for sure–it has nothing to do with how "hot" you were.

(For those of you not from New York or Tokyo, there were guys who would surreptitiously masturbate at young women on the subway, at least when I was young. Like Bradley, I have not encountered them recently, which may be because I am no longer perv-worthy. It might also be that would-be creeps take one look at me with my mom-chic clog boots and time-furrowed brow and know I'd raise hell–something I didn't do either as a young woman.)

My take: I agree with Bradley that not having to feel so exposed is a blessing of Formerlydom, and knowing you don't have to suffer in silence if someone violates your boundaries is another. I'm not sure I agree that grey hair makes a woman look intimidating, though, or that it confers a Harry Potter-like cloak of invisibility that some would find welcome. I don't endeavor to look intimidating so much as to keep my voice at the ready. That's something I wish I had at my disposal back in the day.

Please comment!

Breathe, Demi, breathe

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Lest anyone poo-pooh the plight of the Formerly, we have Demi Moore's recent collapse to illustrate that bending like the proverbial tree in the wind is pretty much the way to go. The alternative, snapping in half, clearly doesn't work no matter how good you look.

In case you've not devoured People and US and every other tabloid, the near-50-year-old Moore in in some kind of rehab, supposedly because she's not dealing well with the fact that her skank of a husband cheated on her so publicly. But many sources–which, granted, tend to repeat what the other say–seem to think she is age-obsessed and bugging out mainly because she is not 21 anymore. Here's a video from GMA that pretty much sums it up.

Now, I came down on her a couple of years back for not owning her surgery, and thus making the rest of us feel like if we only exercised more and used the right $240 per ounce night cream we would look as good as she does. To me, not admitting the truth was just unkind to women who are already inclined to be hard on themselves.

But now I feel for her. Clearly, laughing at herself for her concerns about aging–which is the main way I like to keep perspective about it–either didn't work or wasn't available to her as an option. My hunch is that she never allowed herself to feel her way through the awkward transition from young to old(er) that we all inevitably experience. Instead, she tamped it down with surgery and procedures and lap dances and young husbands and tweeting.

IMO, the only way to get through something difficult is to go THROUGH, not around, no matter whether it's divorce (my latest drama), disappointment or the passage of time.

Memo to Demi: It's really quite awesome over here on the other side of young. When you're ready, I'll be here, anyway, for a cup of coffee and a laugh.

Help finding the bright side

As many of you have read, nothing makes me grumpier than the Pollyanna Industrial Complex–the "just slap on a smile!" fake-it-til-you-make-it school of silly psychology that tries to convince us that if you're not happy 24/7 that you've failed somehow in taking care of yourself. Barbara Ehrenreich wrote about this more eloquently than I can in Bright-Sided–highly recommended if you've felt like there's something wrong with you for not simply visualizing your own Lotto-winning future.

No, the state of happiness is not something you can simply cross your arms and blink yourself over to, but you do have the ability to re-frame your pre-existing life in order to appreciate it more. That's the thesis of my friend Amy Spencer's new book, Bright Side Up. What I love about it and Amy, who is positive but human and realistic, is the idea that you can conceptualize your own well-being your way, like the multifaceted, imperfect and occasionally surly Formerly you no doubt are. She's guest-blogging here, so you can get a little taste. The book comes out tomorrow, and I'm so excited for her.

I was watching The Bachelor the other day (sorry, I'm obsessed) when I was struck with some Formerly thoughts—mostly "Formerly could wear a bikini without sucking in my gut" ones. But then one of the bachelorettes started sharing some emotional insecurity that only stifles the very young and I thought, Man, I'll take my gut over that any day. Because during the years I've gained these pounds, I've also gained invaluable life experience and a self-confidence we Formerlies can only get by living, loving, making mistakes and learning from them.

That's basically how I roll with my down moments: I do my best to flip my perspective to the positive side. And in case you could use some help finding the good stuff sometimes, I wanted to share five ways looking on the bright side works for me:

1. Say "The Good News Is…" Like my reality TV reality check, there is good news if you choose to find it. Yes, your car broke down, but the good news is…you weren't stuck in a snowstorm at midnight when it did. Yes, you have the flu, but the good news is…you haven't wanted to eat an entire bag of Flavor Blast Fritos today. Yet.

2. Put a bow on it for your future self. You know that awful, very bad, annoying thing you're going through? Well, your future self called and left a message: "Thank you." Because if you can't see a benefit in the present, then you're probably you're giving a present to your future. Rough patches and lost jobs and broken hearts may break us in the moment, but they make our future selves so much wiser, stronger, more empathetic and happier. So take it in and whisper, "You're welcome."

3. Lower your standards, sort of. There are so many things I don't do because I don't want to do them badly. (Hello, still-don't-have-a-headboard-because-I-keep-intending-to-build-my-own.) My latest idea: We should lower our standards. At least, lower them for starting. If you're "Formerly frozen by your To Do list," start tackling it with some averagely okay starts and see how much happier you feel getting things done.

4. Recognize your new route is better. Ever get lost and end up discovering a short cut or a pretty road you forgot was even there? That's how we can look at life when it sticks a roadblock in our path, too. Have faith that the detour life has put us on will actually turn out to be a better path then the path we had planned.

5. Take the tourist's point of view. Like the Eiffel Tower to Parisians, what might seem like no big deal in your life is a Kodak moment to someone else. So look at your life the way a tourist might. Your small home may be four times the size that some people can afford, and the kids that drive you crazy may be the family one person dreams of. Think about what you have that, to some of life's "tourists," is worth showing off.

Those are just a few ideas to get you started. Maybe one or two will work for you and turn one of those "Formerly having a bad day" moments into having a pretty great one.

Book freebie!

Look, I'm all about self-acceptance. I've regained every pound of my Divorce Diet weight, and stand my my declaration that I'd rather be heavier and happy than emaciated with a correspondingly skinny spirit. I don't desperately need to diet and so I won't, not least of all because I suck at it and all the effort isn't worth looking marginally better five pounds lighter.

But if we can step outside of the fat obsession perfectionistic silliness for a second, if you do need to lose weight and could use a little support, check out my friend Rebecca's new e-book, Your Twitter Diet, all about how she used Twitter for help losing the lbs. It comes out next week and you can download FOR FREE tomorrow, Feburary, 2, Groundhog Day.

How appropriate that the giveaway is on Groundhog Day, because anyone who has ever dieted knows the feeling that she's doing the same thing again and again. Hopefully this funny, fun book (her blog, Doesthisblogmakeuslookfat.com is a riot) will break you of that, AND help you figure out how to use Twitter if you haven't yet. And I haven't, really, so I'll be clicking myself a copy.

Anyway, here's the link to Amazon, but through here you can get it's also free any which digital way you do it. Let Rebecca know what you think!

Moved like Jagger, c. 1981

Quick Formerly moment: I danced exactly like the female avatars on Just Dance 3, at least the ones doing Bananarama songs. Even eight-year-olds know that people don't dance that way anymore. Except I still kind of do.