Michelle Slee's Blog, page 16

Goldooth’s Candle in the Wind

Where the hell is Goldtooth?

Although it’s been awhile
Since I came here last
I thought he lived in Fargodeep?
He must have crawled from out the darkness,
Wearing Aunt Bernice’s necklace,
Cos it makes his eyes so blue,
Except when they strangely watered.

And it seems to me he lived his life
With a second hidden candle.
With a 15% drop rate
According to old Wowhead.
So where did he hide this candle
That meant it dropped so rarely?
Was it in a place
Where only a friend should go?

Goldtooth’s life was tough,
But the hardest thing for him
Was not killing that Billy kid,
And damn I wish he did.
Even when Goldtooth died,
Every player used to say
It was all too easy,
Although 5.0.4 increased his health.

And it seems to me he lived his life
With a second hidden candle.
With a 15% drop rate
According to old Wowhead.
So where did he hide this candle
That meant it dropped so rarely?
Was it in a place
Where only a friend should go?

Where the hell is Goldtooth?

Although it’s been a while

Since I came here last

I thought he lived in Fargodeep?

He must have crawled from out the darkness

Wearing  Aunt Bernice’s necklace,

Cos it makes his eyes so blue,

Although the candle made them water.

And it seems to me he lived his life

Without a candle in his hand.

Cos it was somewhere else

All the time which made him walk so strange.

And that means I’m really glad that when I killed him

Me no take a candle.

Cos any Goldtooth candle comes from a place

Where only a  good friend (or doctor) goes.

FADE OUT

Duskwood Mini-Break

Dear Lord Ebonlocke,

I am writing to demand compensation for the romantic mini-break I foolishly booked in your grotesque little town. My wife and I have just returned from a weekend of pure hell in what you claimed was the most romantic place in all of Azeroth. I can assure you Sir, there was no romance in Duskwood (except for the occasional flirty glances Commander Althea threw my way when the wife wasn’t looking …but that’s besides the point).

My wife and I booked a room in the Scarlet Raven tavern after receiving your flyer through the door promising us peace, seclusion, a roaring log fire and a dinner of tasty crab cakes. Imagine then our horror when we first arrived at the inn. We were told that before we could even check in we needed to go out and collect the ingredients for our evening meal! And what ingredients – yes here comes the second bombshell – the crab cakes were made of spider legs! I have never come across such a thing in all my life. I mean horsemeat in Findus beef lasagnes yes – I’m a man of the world – I’ve heard of these things. But spider meat in crab cakes?! It beggars belief.

But out we went. And oh my poor wife – she had never held a weapon in all her life but off she ran with her dagger poised at the ready to try to take out the required number of spiders … and wolves too – beautiful Althea asked us to kill twelve of them – which I was only too happy to do for her of course. But then that bloody cook came along and took total advantage of us by demanding we also being back five wolf steaks for the evening meal. We don’t even eat red meat! (Mind you up until my weekend in Duskwood I didn’t eat spider legs either … now I can’t get enough of the little fellas, but anyway I digress….)

Yes my poor wife was out there with the dagger hacking away at whatever wolf or spider she could find. She was becoming infected by rabies and spider poison by the second. I could see it all from my position up a tree… I have arachnophobia you see, so unfortunately I couldn’t help out at all. She was in helluva state. As the poisons took their toll so her coordination became affected – in the end she was just lunging blindly in all directions. Thankfully I was there shouting words of encouragement from the tree (and telling her how many she had left to kill) and I think it spurred her on (although she got a bit carried away by the end and even put the dagger to my throat- don’t know what was going on there).

So finally she’s done it and we go back to the inn to hand everything over. By now, well you can imagine, I really want a hot bath and a lie down before supper (the wife is bawling her eyes out however and screaming she needs a doctor, but I put that down to time of the month and just offer her some chocolate….out comes the dagger again…bloody hormones). Anyway, we are then told there is more work for us to do before we can even see our room, more things to kill, more errands to run. By then I’ve had enough. “We’re not doing anymore,” I say firmly, “Come on Betty time to leave.” I think she understood me – but by now she was frothing at the mouth and blood was pouring from her eyeballs … she didn’t look her best I have to say and I was more than a little tempted by Althea when we walked by – but I’m a man who honours his marriage vows (unless it’s with someone who takes money for her services – that doesn’t count) and to the flight master we went to arrange our flight home.

So I’m sure you can understand why I’m seeking compensation. The holiday was far from what you advertised. If you do not reply favourably I will have no option but to take this further. The only bright spot of the whole weekend was running into that lovely chap Abercrombie. We did a few errands for him (well I did anyway – the wife was having seizures by this point) during a stop over at Raven Hill. Says a lot about your town that you’d leave a lovely old man to rot away in that shack – where’s your charity, where’s the town spirit? Anyway I left him practically dancing on the spot with all the things I’d managed to get hold of for him (odd requests but like most old people he was a little quirky in his ways– you’ve got to indulge the old dears and hope that they remember you in their will) and I left with a warm glow in my heart feeling that I’d done some good in that godforsaken town of yours, although you far from deserve it.

Anyway I await your reply and hope for your sake it includes a cheque with plenty of zeroes (and a number in front of the zeroes- don’t go playing silly buggers with me).

Yours expectantly

Mr G.R.Edie

Keep Azeroth Tidy free for 2 days

My Keep Azeroth Tidy book is free for Kindle for two days on Amazon. The link is below. If you download it, read it & like it I’d be hugely grateful if you could leave a review on Amazon! Many thanks.

 

 

Life feels wrong

Right now I‘m hardly playing WoW. My Ironman is not even twenty yet (but still alive!). Briefly played Seashell my mage over a week or so ago (nice to say hello to all my guildmates…they are lovely  for letting me stay in the guild even though I’m hardly on anymore). I  feel like I’m letting WoW down with my current absence from the game.

In fact I’m not playing any game at all at the moment. There is no play in my life. And I’m feeling it. I feel so blue tonight. All I do is write  - I’m writing a choose your own adventure type book called Three Days & I just finished my The Guardian Spirit (just needs some editing).  Most of my spare time is spent on those. And of course I’m in training for the London marathon so doing long runs every week.

I work full time & work is incredibly busy  - I feel like I’m drowning there if I’m honest. I then come home & fret about work in my head. Then I try to switch my brain over to  writing and my long term goals but at the same time feel exhausted!  And then I go out & run.

There are so many things I’m not doing & while I know these are petty things, small indulgences, absolutely trivial matters in the greater scheme of things I still feel unhappy that I’m not currently:-

1. Going to the cinema or theatre (we did start doing that semi regularly & I loved it)

2. Cooking or going out for meals (I’m always on a diet of some sorts  & always feeling guilty about what I’ve eaten)

3. Dyeing my hair (yes very very trivial- but it’s desperate!)

4. Buying new boots (my footwear is a shambles at the moment) & other clothes (everyone in work always looks better turned out than me)

5. Reading anything (I have a thousand and one books and samples yet I’m failing to actually finish reading anything)

6. Watching films I recorded at Xmas (watching any films actually – my attention span is that of a goldfish)

7. Really thinking about what I want to do around the house & doing it so I feel relaxed & happy in every room

8. Spending quality time with hubby

9.  Going on walks with husband & our dog Stella

10.Playing WoW

This is a weird post I know. Just a moaning boring grumble. I  have to go up the gym in 30 mins for an hour workout & I just want to curl up on the sofa. I’ve had a long day in work where no one seemed to take responsibility for anything & where I continued to be unable to say no to anything. I have another long day tomorrow. I’m cold. I nearly fell in the snow this morning. I’m overwhelmed with everything I’m not doing properly. I’m stressed in case I never think of anything to write on here again. If I don’t play WoW what’s the point of me having a WoW blog? It was all so simple when I was Bravetank the actual tank. I’ve lost my way totally. Yet I love my blog. And in fact I’m back on this wordpress.com version because I can’t get used to the whizzy bravetank.co.uk/wordpress.org blog – I regret even trying to move there. I regret buying the domain name. I regret regret regret.

I wish I could sleep for 20 hours & wake up refreshed & new & ready to start my day over – no my life over. But what would I do? And I miss Eddie my dog. And Rosie my other dog. I miss them so much. We have lovely Stella with us now – a 3 year old cross Collie & Staff from the local dogs home. I love her to bits but when I close my eyes its Eddie’s face I see.

And I think I’m living my life wrong in some way but I have no idea what to do to change it.

Puzzled. And sad.

Vanessa Van Cleef does Cyndi Lauper

Yes I’m still doing Ironman & still levelling very very slowly!! Runn is now 19 and has just arrived in Duskwood. Of course I entered Duskwood the wrong way as a result of the usual Bravetank directional mishap & narrowly escaped being killed by a spider. (It was in the middle of the road! I always thought you were safe if you ran directly in the middle of the road & didn’t veer too far to either side – but that spider was like a heat seeking missile.) Luckily I psychic screamed (and in real life of course properly screamed) & Runn lived up to his name by scarpering the hell out of there.

I enjoyed my slow painstaking levelling in Westfall. One thing that struck me though after spending some time with our favourite shadowy female figure is that Vanessa Van Cleef truly lives her life in the spirit of Cyndi Lauper’s most famous song – Girls Just Wanna Have Fun – although Vanessa’s lyrics would be a little different:-

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun – Vanessa style

I come home in the Westfall light,

And old Mother Saldean says I gotta live my life right,

Oh Mother Saldean

The Fulbrows are unfortunate ones,

And Blanchy

Has been fed to the dogs,

Cos psycho girls,

Just wanna have fun.

Yes psycho girls

Just wanna have fun

My mind breaks in the middle of the night,

I see my dead dad saying I gotta live my life right.

Oh daddy dear
 you‘re still Defias number one,

For you,
 all murder is done,

Cos psycho girls,

Just wanna have fun,

Yes psycho girls

Just wanna have fun.

That’s all we really want,

Just funnnnnnnnnnnnnn,

Plus some plotting and murder too,

And poisons, you need quite a few,

For fun,

For psychopath fun.

Some fathers take a beautiful girl,

And hide her away from the rest of the world.

But I wanted to be the one to walk in the sun,

But the Fulbrows, they stood in my way

So I killed them

Then played in the hay,

Cos its all fun

Just psychopath fun,

And I’m a psycho

Who likes to have fun!

(Repeat as many times as you like …in fact you have no choice – this song is probably now stuck in your head. Sorry. Blame Vanessa.)

Cross posted from main Bravetank site. I just can’t leave this blog all alone & unposted to!!

It’s WoW Ironman time

Oh I feel all emotional. This is the last post on this particular WordPress site site because I have moved the Bravetank blog over to a new WordPress site!

It can now be found at http://bravetank.co.uk – yes I have my own domain name. Whoohoo

If you want to keep reading my posts (& I really hope you do) please update your links. The first post is already up (plus all the older posts of course- I actually managed to export my posts from here & import them over there without once trying to tear my hair out- amazing!).

So come over to http://bravetank.co.uk to read about the new WoW Ironman challenge I’m attempting. I‘m 15 & not dead yet. It’s going well. Read more here.

Heat – the classic Night Elf meets Santa’s Elf coffee shop scene

“The coffee shop”

Night Elf: Seven years hiding away in the Grotto. In the hole for three. Living with some shoemaker before that.

Santa’s Elf: Yeah

Night Elf: Was Santa’s Grotto as tough as they say?

Santa’s Elf: You looking to become a North Polologist?

Night Elf: You looking to go back? I chased some elves right out of Darnassus, the guys were lookin‘ to screw up and get busted back to Santa, missed the jolly red suit and all that.

Santa’s Elf: You must have worked some dipshit elves.

Night Elf: I worked all kinds.

Santa’s Elf: You see me doing thrill-seeker toy making sessions in Craftmen’s Terrace with a “Born to be Santa’s lackey” tattoo on my chest?

Night Elf: No, I do not.

Santa’s Elf: Right. And I am never going back. Got my own stuff going on here.

Night Elf: Yes I know and it’s gotta stop. You can’t go round filling stockings. It’s not done by elves in Azeroth. You’re confusing the natives.

Santa’s Elf: I do what I do best. I fill stockings with toys and  I deliver them.  This is the one place Santa’s not got a monopoly over. Old Greatfather Winter is a joke - he doesn’t count and we all know that. So  I’m taking advantage.  You just concentrate on doing what you do best, running around with crazy eyebrows and flapping ears talking about Elune the whole goddamn time.

Night Elf: You never wanted a normal-Night Elf-type life?

Santa’s Elf: What the hell is that? Temples, trees and sabers?

Night Elf: That’s part of it.

Santa’s Elf: That’s nice. That your life?

Night Elf: No. My wife spends half her time campaigning for the sisters of Elune. My stepdaughter’s got problems ’cause her real father’s an orc asshole and she’s worried she’s inherited his looks. And every moment I got, I’m chasing elves from the grotto like you.

Santa’s Elf: A worgen told me once: you want to make moves? Don’t keep anything in your life you’re not willing to walk out on in the time it takes to activate your hearthstone if you feel the heat around the corner. So if you’re chasing me and you gotta move when I move, how do you expect to keep a family?

Night Elf: What are you, a monk?

Santa’s Elf: No. We don’t have those sorts of classes in the grotto. They’re the mark of a less evolved elf if you ask me.

Night Elf: I mean- are you married?

Santa’s Elf: I’ve got a woman. Met her in Darnassus. Long legs. Still can’t get used to the eyebrows though if I’m being honest.

Night Elf: What do you tell her?

Santa’s Elf: I tell her to pluck them but she won’t be having it.

Night Elf: No what do you tell her about your work?

Santa’s Elf: I tell her I’m a tailor. I get lots of wool cloth for the stockings that way.

Night Elf: And if you spot me around the corner. You gonna walk out on her? Leave her flat? Like that? Not even say goodbye?

Santa’s Elf: That’s the grotto elf discipline – it’s either that or kill her with a garrote, and I try not to do that anymore – though that’s what Santa used to prefer – cold hearted bastard.

Night Elf: What you’re left with is pretty empty.

Santa’s Elf: Yeah? Then maybe you and me, we should both go do somethin‘ else, pal.

Night Elf: I don’t know how to do anything else. I mean I’m level 90 and bored out of my skull now. You’ve got to make your own fun round here.

Santa’s Elf: Well same here. If I don’t  fill stockings I aint got anything else. It’s that or roll an alt and I can’t face that anymore.

Night Elf: And I don’t much want to.

Santa’s Elf: Neither do I.

Night Elf: We’re sitting here like a couple of regular elves. You do what you do. I do what I gotta do. What happens if I am there and I got to put you away? I won’t like it. But if it’s between you and some poor draenei whose wife you’re going to seduce with your colourful stockings, toys and mince pies, well elf brother, you are gonna go down.

Santa’s Elf: There’s a flip side to that coin. What if you got me boxed in – trapped in Rutheran Village god forbid, and I gotta put you down? ‘Cause no matter what, you will not get in my way. I’m singleminded about my stockings – they will get made and delivered, believe you me. But now that we been face to face, I would not feel good about that. But I won’t hesitate. Not for one second.

Night Elf: (smiles) Maybe it’ll happen that way. Or who knows …

Santa’s Elf: …maybe we’ll never see each other again.

Night Elf: Oh …. and this is just a thought… maybe we put our differences aside and just take down some blood elves?

Santa’s Elf: Now you’re talkin brother, now you’re talking. Let’s get started. Now where did I put my garrote?

THE END

Work it Baby

 

 

I have a new Kindle book out – all about improving the brain (I needed it!). It’s very tongue in cheek …the following is the blurb on Amazon…

Your brain is the most important part of your body. Honestly. It won the award “Organ you most wouldn’t want to leave on the bus” way back in 2010 (came second to the Yamaha in 2011 unfortunately). Don’t underestimate that. But so many of us treat our brains badly. With disdain in fact. It’s dreadful. We should be ashamed. Bet you didn’t even get it a Christmas card. Tut tut. And after all it’s done for you. Keeping you alive and stuff. Oh it’s a thankless task being a brain.

But it doesn’t have to be that way and this book will show you how.

Work it Baby: 12 Steps to a Fitter, Stronger and Smarter Brain

In this book you will read about the 12 steps to make your brain fitter, stronger and smarter. I’ll cover the make up of the brain (NOT a bit of eye shadow & a touch of blusher), the nervous system (scared of the dark) and the importance of sleep (hoorah). You’ll also learn about the best food for the brain (apologies – this includes yogurt), the need to keep your brain busy and active (go learn some quantum physics, NOW) and the need to have lots of fun (thank god – warm up the X Box – I’m coming on).

I’ll also talk about the importance of taking time out to meditate and reflect (particularly if you’re just about to punch someone).  After all it is very often our chaotic lives that lead to our muddled brains.  To help with that the book also provides some suggestions of how to get organised & find a system that works.

And we also need to think about how we learn  … yes after all we are children of the renaissance (actually I think we’re great great great grandchildren of the renaissance aren’t we?) – learning is important to us all. But we need to find effective learning strategies to ensure we learn in a way that suits the brain – otherwise it will not cooperate (it can be stubborn that way).

And finally you’ll learn that your brain would prefer  you to focus on the future and not on the past.  None of us can change the past (unless my time machine works out…if it does you and your brain will be the first to know) – so it is futile living there. Your future lies before you and your brain can help you plan and live it. Don’t waste those valuable cells on a past long gone.

In effect this book will help you create a mind – a powerful mind. You’ll learn about the brain games that can help memory, how to train your brain to learn quickly and effectively and how to learn faster. You’ll learn about the mind and body, how the two are interrelated and how one affects the other. There is a union between Mind and Emotions, Brain and Behaviour – none of these things can be separated and the brain is key to them all. Treating the brain well is vital if you are to ensure your mind, body, and emotions are in harmony and function as they should.

This book is a humorous look at your brain – and how it affects your body, emotions and behaviour. It explores the reasons why the brain is important and why you should take care of it in order to get the very best out of your life.

So Work it Baby – follow the 12 steps to a fitter, smarter and stronger brain and reap the rewards.

The Feng Shui approach to Totems

Is Totem Feng Shui something we modern Shamans need to be concerned about in World of Warcraft?  Yes say I, your newly appointed Totem Feng Shui expert.

Only a foolhardy group would even consider venturing into the world of MoP dungeons without a Feng Shui aware Shaman in their midst. Without such  a Shaman your group will almost certainly invoke the anger of the Elements – this means a lot of finger pointing and all sorts of tutting. Not nice. But with a Feng Shui aware Shaman you have all the advantages of positive Feng Shui energy in your group, plus a Totem colour scheme to die for.

So it is the duty of all MoP shamans to understand the Feng Shui impact of their Totem layout & optimise their rotation accordingly.

Please note  this isn’t just about what type of Fire or Earth totem you place & when – although that is important too (we need context specific placements  not random clicking of whatever icon looks vaguely totemmy on your action bar because you’re in a bit of a panic & three mobs are hitting you at once … and no I firmly deny  that this was me Sunday afternoon). No - you need to think about where you place your totems. The conscientious  Shaman can be seen practicing morning to night  out in the fields of Westfall – measuring out the space between their Air and Fire totem, using the boars as target practice for the Fire Totem (hear them squeal), & enjoying a celebratory meal (of roasted boar of course) with the suave Earth Elemental (Azeroth’s most eligible bachelor). Any Shaman that does not meticulously practice in this way only deserves one part of the title  shaman –  the SHAME part …wear it well you shirker, wear it well.

At the heart of good Totem placement & the Feng Shui approach is the understanding that opposites are good – indeed opposites are necessary. As with life there is a Yin Yang approach that should be embraced or failure will come a-knockin’ on your door (a 9pm, when you’re in your pyjamas- which is always awkward). Get your Totem mix wrong and you will be laughed out of the raid- this is particularly so if you attempt to drop 4 Fire Totems at once in the mistaken view that “Fire Pretty Fire Good Ug”.  Give up the cave man approach- in any case you look dumpy in a loin cloth cloth. Mix it up baby, mix it up.

You won’t get a more stronger adherent to the Feng Shui approach than Thrall. He  categorically refuses to place a Capacitator Totem anywhere near a Healing Stream Totem  because the energy  ”gives him the heebie jeebies” . He  will also never place a Stone Bulwark Totem  near  running water – according to Thrall to do so is to lose all gold from your  pockets & render yourself impotent in the bedroom.

Anyone who has run a dungeon with a non Feng Shui Shaman knows from bitter experience that the energies are so bad your hair will frizz – even the strongest leave-in conditioner will fail to uncrinkle those locks. This is not a risk any WoW player wants to take. A non Feng Shui aware Shaman  will  fling down wild combinations of Totems – usually before a mob is even  pulled. They might even place crazy Earth Totems in the Southern hemisphere of a dungeon (have you heard the like?!). This WILL cause the very elements of the earth to revolt and WILL lead to a wipe – I’m almost 1% sure of it. So if your group wipes and you have a Shaman in your midst then they are  definitely not applying good Feng Shui principles, the  wipe is their fault & they deserve utter contempt (particularly if they are the healer…altogether now HEALER FFS!).

So in conclusion – if you’re in a group with a Shaman you must demand the Feng Shui approach to Totems. And if you meet any resistance then there is of course one place they can shove their Totems – it might not be strictly Feng Shui but it will feel satisfying  nonetheless.

Azeroth Sonnet No 1

Shall I compare thee to an Azeroth summer’s day?

By which I mean Tanaris not Winterspring, although you can be a bit frosty,

 

Thou art more lovely and more temperate:

(Although the time you ripped out the eyes of that orc did disturb me a tad – he was only level 10 for chrissake.)

 

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,

And wake the lazy peons from their sleep (although I find a stick does just as well)

 

And summer’s lease hath all too short a date:

But who gives a shit because it means Brewfest is on its way – hoorah for ancient pickled eggs 

 

Sometime too hot the Eye of the Storm shines,

And often is his gold complexion dimmed,

But with a coordinated team who LISTEN GODAMMIT  you will capture the flag  

 

And every fair from fair sometime declines,

By chance, or nature’s changing course untrimmed:

 Yes we all must agree the Darkmoon Fayre is so over – and I hate that tiny stupid monkey pet…I wanted a gorilla

 

But thy eternal summer shall not fade,

 

How could it with a temper like yours? I find it charming honestly…but I never knew anyone’s face could go so red

 

Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st,

Yes you still look good – even in Worgen form. It’s amazing – can I stroke your fur?

 

Nor shall death brag thou wander’st in his shade,

When in eternal lines to time thou grow’st,

Yes grow’st - you shall grow my beloved – middle aged spread happens to us all- particularly  a worgen with an appetite for squirrels like yours

 

So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,

That is anyone who has successfully avoided you in in a temper … godbless stealth 

  So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Yes you are immortalised in the game & now the blog my furry beauty.

 

But who is this mystery Worgen?