Michelle Slee's Blog, page 14

Dancing Queen

You say never again but the next thing you know you’re the other side of a dungeon entrance in a complete panic, no idea what to do next. Yes I went in another dungeon.  However, this time I needn’t have worried (well not quite so much) because I was with my guild. Those kind hearted souls had read the blog, taken pity on me & offered to accompany me on some runs. Team Playpen it’s called & it’s perfect – for me anyway – they’re far too good for it but have generously toned down their uberness to lead me by the hand through the valley of death (boss death of course – we were awesome).

The Gates of the Setting Sun was chosen by the guild’s esteemed raid leader. I guess he figured he’d try to help me deal with my insect phobia at the same time – a form of therapy almost. Of course he failed to take into account my speaking phobia too by suggesting I come onto team speak. I bravely logged on but didn’t utter a word – stubbornly typing into Party Chat even when it meant I took ages to respond to anything anyone asked me (I cannot type & play at the same time- I’m not a bloody mantid - and even they need quite sophisticated key bindings).

The group were already killing things by the time I finished collecting the quests.  Indeed they coped admirably well without me – amazing what raiding level 90s can do. I joined them like a long lost hero & got ready to cast something (anything) before realising everything was dead. I quickly minimised Recount -   my philosophy has always been if I can’t see it then it’s not happening (this is why I always shut my eyes tightly whenever my mother dances –   in these circumstances I also find it helpful to scream NO and run from the room).

Before I knew it we were at the first boss – the Saboteur one. It felt very tank & spank to me (yes I am now using technical terms in the blog – the times they are a-changing).  I just cast Arcane  Blast when I could and helpfully ran round in circles when I couldn’t . Whatever we did (they did) it seemed to work & I was soon in possession of a new cloth head item. I went through my usual stress about rolling need even though it was pretty obvious they all had far better gear than me (& it was an upgrade). In  the end I bravely clicked need & hoped they wouldn’t hate me.

On we ran – until we ran into Striker Ga’dok. What good fortune I thought. This turned out to be a complete nightmare. All I can remember now is fire everywhere & lots of blinking – both me and my mage. I think I heard our healer gasp at one point – probably  wondering how one person could stand in so much crap quite so often. When I thought I could cast something I would try to, but GTFO would interrupt,  noisily harranguing me to move along sir like an hysterical police office. Off I would jump.  I felt a huge relief when it was over but I suspect it was just a fraction of what the healer felt.

I think the next encounter was a straightforward tank & spank boss  (for me anyway, standing right at the back out of harm’s way.  I heard our tank say, “Don’t stand in front of him, you WILL die” at one point though, and sensed there was more going on up front).

We moved on.  Just as I was starting to relax (somewhat) with three bosses down, my name was mentioned in dispatches - something about me & Slowfall. I started racking my brains, trying to remember how it works in a group - if I cast on one do all get it, do I have to cast it on myself for all to get it, when do I cast etc.?  Yes even the simplest instruction, “Seashell cast Slowfall” can throw me into a complete panic. Sensing my confusion the priest helpfully interceded (as priests do) & cast levitate on everyone instead, briefly saving me from further humiliation.

Yes briefly. It was not long before I was once again displaying the staggering incompetence for which I am renowned  by getting my cannons confused. Our party leader had helpfully explained we had to use cannons in the fight in order to shoot the boss’s weak spot and that he wanted two dps  doing this. However, I only heard part of his instructions (probably fretting about something that had happened two rooms back)  & couldn’t get my bearings on the screen quickly enough to see where he was standing. I then zoomed out by accident (the zoom thingimijig works backwards on my mouse for some reason & I keep forgetting to sort it – doesn’t half get me into some scrapes). Suddenly everyone was a tiny spec on my screen.  I hastily rezoomed back in & ran to what I thought was the right cannon, jumped on & got thrown right back up to the floor where the Slow Fall shenanigans had happened. $%&%  I thought (yes there’s no denying – my language is quite foul when I’m in a dungeon).  A patient voice sounded in the room (God, finally, I thought) & explained that I’d gone on the wrong cannon & I should just throw myself off the wall and let them heal me. It was clear that by now they had decided that even Slowfall was beyond me. I decided to prove them wrong by expertly casting it on myself & professionally floating to the ground.  The response was … silence  (probably awestruck).

I quite enjoyed this last encounter once I got into it,  although I’d have hated it in a pug – in fact I probably would have been booted before this point  what with the cannon mishap & poor dps and all. I got into running to the (right) cannon, finding the weak spot, throwing off a few blasts,  then having my head rammed into a wall. Great fun. At one point there was a comment along the lines of, “Seashell is targeting the weak spot perfectly & we’re damned lucky to have her in the group.” I beamed with pride.

And then it was over. The party leader escorted me by the hand to the quest giver so that I could claim my reward (I’ve been known to exit dungeons before this point, usually so overcome with relief that I’ve  survived that I forget why I came into the hellhole … I mean dungeon … in the first place). A nice cloak awaited me & lots of experience points. I thanked my guildees  profusely - extremely grateful for their patience and kindness throughout. We then celebrated with a couple of glasses of darkbrew lager & before I knew it I was  dancing like my mother. Good times!

And the journey continues

The journey to 90 continues. 89 and a bit. Only got killed 6 times today by the same horrible Horde guy who would not let me quest in peace. I hate my PvP server but the guild I’m in is so lovely I can’t switch servers even though it means I cry on my keyboard every night. I never fight back. I try to out-Ghandi the gankers. It never works but I like to think one day they’ll make a 6 hour film about me & everyone will admire my stoicism.

Other observations:-

If I hear slow down once more I’m going to knock some one’s head off.
Never go out drinking with a Pandaren. It’s always “Next one is on me” – then they disappear into the toilets for three hours.
I think Farmer Yoon & I are at the start of a beautiful friendship.
Springtail Gnashers have put me off the Easter Bunny for ever  - however he is very welcome to try to win me back with lots of chocolate
Doing quests for Hemet Nesingwary makes me slightly hate myself  -  a chicken sandwich cheers me up
I think someone should tell Lili that repeatedly calling someone fat could be regarded as bullying.  Poor Chen – what with her & Gao he’s a broken man. No wonder he drinks.
Everytime I see  Kilruk the Wind Reaver I want to hit him with a fly swat.
I feel sorry for Gardener Fran’s partner if she’s like that in the bedroom….!  What an absolute control freak. Do this. Do that. Touch this. Touch that. No there there. FASTER FASTER !! Poor sod. And she’s also obsessed with size. Nuff said.

Onwards & upwards.  Definitely upwards. 90 – it is finally in reach

 

High Flying Adored

Well I did my first MoP dungeon. Yes I know  - as usual I am years behind most of you. Next thing you know I’ll be announcing we’ve just bought our first coloured TV and that I jammed my fingers in the clothes wrangler. Yes I am that behind the times.

But I do get there in the end. I live my WoW life like I’d run a marathon – very slowly with lots of toilet breaks. By the time I finish everyone’s packed up & gone home. But I keep going – even if I’m the only one around to give myself a little cheer.

And cheer I did. I completed the Temple of the Jade Serpent & (a) didn’t die (b) avoided the water (c) didn’t get screamed at. It was a veritable triumph. Of course the way I did it was somewhat lacking in finesse. Basically I clutched the virtual sleeve of a fellow dpser  and never left their side, and at the end of the run I worshipped at the feet of the Priest who cast levitate on us to help us avoid the  water  (why is water always so deadly in WoW – why can’t we for once have a dungeon where we are allowed  - nay encouraged – to splash around and play in puddles).

That levitate certainly saved me.  As you know I am not renowned for being fleet of foot (far from it – I’m heavy of toe – if that is the opposite). Yesterday I died three times (in WoW I mean – this isn’t some sort of Flatliners anecdote) in less than 5 minutes by (a) running the wrong way into a pack of something red and 90 (b) running the wrong way into a pack of psychotic rabbits (deceptively cute from a distance) (c) running the wrong way off a cliff.  At one point Seashell was veering off to the left against my will and I was screaming at her to stop moving & yet it was MY FINGER on the keyboard that was making her move! That’s the kind of disconnect that exists between my head and my hands when I play WoW. And that means dungeons that require any degree of coordination - avoid this, jump that, stand there, no there, now run,  run, RUN are a complete & utter nightmare for me.  I was a nervous wreck before going into the Temple of the Jade Serpent this morning because I’d watched it on You Tube & just knew I’d mess up the Wise Mari encounter. Water, black stuff & a moving wall thingy – the precise combination of in-game mechanics that has me crying for my mother. All  I  want to do in a dungeon is stand in the back, shoot stuff, loot stuff & earn lots of experience points.  That’s not too much to ask for is it?

GTFO helps of course.  Without it groups would be petitioning Blizzard to have me permanently removed from the game.  I hear the GTFO alarm & I move – the reflex now stronger than anything Pavlov managed with his puppies. And DBM flashing up terse urgent instructions also helps – when my panic subsides enough to read that is. But in all the furore my rotation goes to pot. I end up trying to cast spells on cooldown or spells that I don’t even have on this character (omg where’s Smite?!!!). Once, in a complete panic,  I tried to cast a speck of dust on my monitor. When I flicked Recount up after that encounter it just coughed  & suggested I might enjoy Minecraft.

But a lovely Priest cast levitate on us in the Temple so the water stuff was fine. Of course  I still had to run away from the circling wall thing. And  that meant I couldn’t cast much beyond barrage. Recount started downloading Minecraft for me in the background – just in case.

But I finished the dungeon. My first MoP dungeon. I used MMO Melting Pot’s  quick tactics so I was prepared (as prepared as someone as ham fisted as me can be). Now off there again to revise for Stormstout Brewery.  I hear there are walls of bubbles to be jumped.  Even a Priest will struggle to save me from this  one.

A Little Sneaky

I’ve just had a sneaky look at WoW Insider. Why is that sneaky? Well it’s because I’m no longer playing WoW. I’m meant to be playing LOTRO. I’ve also been playing a bit of Card Hunter & I’ve been toying with the idea of getting back into The Sims 3. Yes anything but WoW. But where do I find myself. Like a lovelorn dumpee stalking her ex’s house I find myself sneaking quick reads of WoW Insider & feeling all sad and  bereft.

First I thought it was just that the grass is always greener- you love something when you can’t have it – that sort of thing. It’s like when I go on holiday. Up until the time I go away, although I might have had plenty of chance to play WoW, I usually haven’t bothered. Then when I’m on holiday with no opportunity to play I normally decide to listen to The Instance on my iPOD and hey presto – I’m immediately yearning to play it again.  You always want what you can’t have

But it’s more than that. I found myself nostalgic earlier for Booty Bay. Saw a screenshot  on WoW Insider & all of a sudden I was fondly remembering all the times I’ve quested in the area. The memories were so strong it felt like I’d actually been there in person – holidays spent drinking with Baron Reviglaz and Whiskey Slim, scaring Shaky just by walking around in my bikini  (in fact Captain Smotts thought I was one of the sea giants), looking like Club Foot first thing in the morning & getting chased round the docks by old Sea Wolf – ahh fun days.

I really want to log on again & just visit these people (or kill them – either will work). Maybe I need to do Loremaster – something to get me out of the (WoW) house & out into the (WoW) world. Maybe then I can be more brazen about visiting WoW Insider & reading all about the MMO that still seems to be my secret addiction – even when I don’t play it.

What’s Up Doc

I’m singing as I type. Loudly. And not particularly tunefully. But it’s amazing. Well I think so anyway. You see I’ve joined the Tenovus Sing with Us choir in Swansea. I’d heard about it  through a relative who’d never (to my knowledge) shown any interest in singing before but was suddenly tossing around words like “First Sop” “Alto” and “Don’t mind me, I’m just flexing my diaphragm” and it got me interested. Not enough to actually go along to a rehearsal mind – not immediately anyway. No for several weeks I just quietly stalked their Facebook page & played around in my head with little fantasies of me turning up to their rehearsals  and launching into a rendition of some classic musical theatre number to their amazed delight (“Who is this girl?” “I wish I could sing like her.” “And look how slim she is.”)

I started mentioning to a few of my other relatives I was thinking about joining. This was my way of getting up the nerve to actually do it. Next thing I know my auntie (not the choir one, well not that choir one, this other auntie is in a different choir – I mean this is Wales you know, we all end up in a choir at some point in our lives). Anyway she rings me up and says she’s heard I’m joining a choir. “I might be,” I say cautiously. “How do you know?” “Oh I saw whatsername in the petrol station the other day.”  (whatsername is my other auntie – it’s Welsh for “I’d better not put her real name on here, she might just kill me.”) “They’re chuffed,” my auntie on the phone said, “They think you sing like Barbra Streisand.” “You what?!” I exclaimed. “Well you used to listen to her all the time,” said my aunt, ” I remember that much, but I didn’t know about the singing .”

Me neither, I thought to myself. I admit I went through a bit of a Barbra Streisand phase from the age of 8 to 18. During this time I wore flat caps as per What’s Up Doc, insisted on posing sideways for any photo (as per the cover of Love Story) and chopped off all my hair to get into Rabbi school (ok I made that bit up). But none of that meant I actually ever sang like her of course.

But on the other hand – who was I to argue? Maybe my aunt knew something I didn’t. Maybe my fantasies weren’t so far fetched after all. “They think I sing like Barbra Streisand,” I said to hubby. “Who does?” he asked, looking around for some lost and confused soul whose ears had fallen off. “My auntie whatsername in the choir.” “Hmm,” he said, which turned out to be his way of saying “God help them when you turn up then.” But he said Hmm. Because he knows a divorce could be expensive.

So I go to choir (late because I couldn’t find my What’s Up Doc cap). Disappointingly no one asks me to sing Don’t Rain on My Parade as soon as I enter the room (no Funny Girl fans, I muse). Instead it turns out we’ll be learning You’ll Never Walk Alone. Not a favourite of mine it has to be said (was once teased by a boy whose father loved Liverpool – painful associations, albeit rather indirect). The choir leader plays the Soprano part of the CD so we Sops (I already have the lingo down) can hear what it sounds like. I start to feel a little queasy. There are notes there I’ve never met before in my life. My vocal chords start to curl up in fear at the back of my throat. I coax them out with a cough. The choir leader tells us to squeeze our bum to reach them. I misunderstand & squeeze someone’s else bum. There’s a bit of a set-to but then it all calms down. Finally it’s time to sing. I give it my all. Half way through I think I’m getting it. But then my aunt turns around and her face says everything. I’ve let her down, I’ve let myself down & worst of all I’ve let Barbra down. I take off the cap in shame.

Turns out it’s hard singing and I am way out of practice. I breathe all wrong. I strain when I try to hit my top notes. I sound like a robot when I try to hit my bottom ones  and I forget all the words, all the time. All in all I’m sure the Tenovus choir are simply delighted I turned up that evening. My fantasies have all changed – now I just dream about somehow not bringing shame on the family in the Christmas concert, and maybe just maybe hitting even one of those notes in You’ll Never Walk Alone.

But it’s all good fun. And I sing around the house more than ever. Husband mutters things about noise cancelling headphones and garden offices. And the other day I heard him apologising to the neighbour. But yes it’s all good. Who doesn’t love a bit of music in their lives!

One Two Three

I’ve been sidetracked from LOTRO the last few days playing the Card Hunter beta. Never played a tabletop RPG – have an untouched Pathfinder beginner’s set sitting  on my bookshelf (guilting me with memories of that particular impulse buy from Amazon) nor an online card game, but I heard about the Card Hunter beta and decided to register.

The game is great – lots of fun. For a beginner like me it does a fantastic job of introducing you to the  (virtual) table top RPG  world. The whole thing is designed to look like a tabletop game. The graphics are cute and fun. The tutorial quickly takes you into an actual game & shows you what to do (basically step by step “click here”, “do this” “click that” sort of instructions). Despite the help it still felt a bit overwhelming at times.  My fault though – I click before I think - it’s why they made me hand back the  nuclear reactor keys.  Some of the card descriptions also didn’t make much sense to me at the start (what is this thing called “dodge” … ah yes you can see I’ve never played a warrior well in WoW), but when you start to play & use the cards  you quickly get to grips with it all.

Andy is your guide – he’s the virtual GM taking you through the game. His character adds another dimension to the whole thing   – he makes you feel like you’re actually sitting around a table with friends playing a D&D game (or starring in an episode of Big Bang Theory where they do that – which is my only real D&D reference point). The constant chat about pizza (an in-game currency you can choose to use if you want to) made me hungry though (from now on Dominos will be rubbing their hands with glee every time I log on).

After one or two starter games you find out  you’ve been playing Andy’s brother’s set of characters  & you’re then taken to the character selection screen (the Inn) to start creating your own. I picked a Dwarf Fighter called Swedgin  – he was later joined by an Elf Wizard called Seashell & a Human priest called Terema.  Then I really started to play,

Currently my little team is Level 5 & I’ve played about 8 campaigns. I’ve had a brief foray into Multi Player mode  with an entirely different set of characters (they give you a pre-made set to get started) but I only played  a tutorial session against Andy & I lost – badly – so have gone back to single player campaigns for the moment, licking my dice induced wounds.

It seems I need practice – lots of it. This  game is showing up my limitations on several fronts – not least counting and reading. You know those basic things they teach you in nursery school.  Turns out I’ve been doing them rather badly all these years. I  don’t know how many times I‘ve carefully moved my little wizard to a square 6 feet away from the enemy, perfect for my next spell, only to find out I’ve miscounted and I‘m one square out of range.  How can I not count to six? I mean…really!

And reading- yes – I keep on misreading the cards and misunderstanding their effects. One time I helpfully cast Frenzy on the enemy & another time  - again helpfully for the enemy – a debilitating spell on my fighter  (who was  only 1 health point away from death, so I managed to swiftly finish him off). My poor team - they tremble  in fear every time I select a card. It usually means a painful death for one of them.

But I’m getting there.  Slowly I’m working out how far I should  run/dash/walk (finger on screen, tongue on lip, brow furrowed - one square, two squares, three squares, there, that does it  - yes amazing how it works when I actually think about what I’m doing). I’m also learning how to recognise and use blocked terrain (boy did I celebrate when my elf hid behind a wall …bloody coward though) and how to pull together a deck that makes sense   (in the beginning I was just looking for the highest gear level   – WoW thinking I suppose  - but then the card thing  finally sunk in… ah yes I’m playing a card RPG -  maybe I should actually think about the cards I want to use).

So the beta is great fun and very addictive. I lost a good two hours on it last night & have played a fair bit this evening. I’m learning to think tactically. “It’s like chess!” I shouted to my husband today, as my dwarf warrior got ready to finish off  an enemy troll with a rather vicious chop to the head. Or at least he tried to. Turned out I was one square short. Guess I still need to work on the counting.

Billy No Mates

Slowly levelling up Emeera  (my Guardian) in LOTRO (level 13 currently). Having lots of smack forehead with a mallet moments. For example I ignored all the stable masters  for ages – assuming they were just decorative (if you know what I mean). Then happened to click on one in the crazy hope I could get a mount from them (extremely crazy now that I understand the mount rules for Free Players … the official line is “buy one in the shop you tight wad”) & saw that they operate like Flight Masters. Well sort of. One major difference is the fact you stay on the ground, second major difference is the fact you can only travel to some places with in game money- for others you need – yes you guessed it – LOTRO points (grr – I promised husband I’d save money by going on LOTRO – can hardly now go on a spending spree in the shop).

Another travel difference is that some journeys are swift travel journeys – almost instantaneous; while others show the entire journey & cause a lot of problems on my computer since it seems to be stubbornly refusing to render  graphics that it thinks I’m not going to enjoy properly. So there is some quicker travel, but it’s not particularly straightforward & since my gift horse only lasted 24 hours  (because I looked it in the mouth – yes convoluted nonsensical play on words – I think I’ve had too much sugar today),  I spend most of my time running round. On foot. Yes actually on foot.  It’s virtually very tiring. And often rather fruitless too.

You see there are so many quests on offer in so many different places in The Shire that it all feels rather chaotic.  The problem is I can’t resist a golden ring hovering above a head – it’s a symbol of promise, adventure & reward  (if I ever meet a haloed angel in real life I’m going to be really narked when I stop to chat & they don’t hand me a  quest – sod the salvation, send me to kill some chickens please). So I pick up loads of quests in one place, then before I know it, when I’m only halfway through the first of those quests, I find myself  somewhere else where yet more quests are on offer and I pick up all those as well! They then send me further away from the original area & before I know it I’m all anxious about when I’m going to find my way back to the guys there to do their quests (the poor folk of Michel Delving- I really left them in the lurch).  And then the next thing is I’m miles away approaching Bree (oooh it’s big) being scared of things that are red to me. Side note-  in the good tradition of MMOs & indeed life in general (think blood), red is bad. But I haven’t really got to grips with the mob colour thing in LOTRO yet. I mean what the hell is blue? – animal is cold, mob is depressed? And purple? Saw some lovely purple wolves earlier. Purple to me is a very spiritual colour- third eye chakra & all that – but they did not seem at all interested in a group meditation session or anything similar. In fact they looked at me in a very un-enlightened manner, causing me to run away – into a pack of red bears…sigh.

I don’t think I have it in me to do all the quests in all the areas (and I refuse to do anymore postman quest – I cannot help but stop to talk to nosey & hungry hobbits so the postman life is not for me). But I’ve decided at the very least I must do all the Epic Quests – they seem to be where the all the story happens. But a few of those are now ending with the line “you might want to bring some friends” . And therein lies a  problem – I have no friends in LOTRO.  And I’m not absolutely sure I want any. Not right now anyway. I’m enjoying the solo play.  But I know I’m missing out on the storyline & probably all the good loot. It’s like WoW back in the day before LFD.  And while I‘m the first to say that the instance group system in WoW has its problems  (there are about 70 posts on this blog about the trauma of running instances in WoW!) I do miss that functionality in LOTRO.  But having said that I’m a Guardian – ie  a Tank & we all know I’m not really a “brave” Tank- so I’d probably be too scared to queue anyway. Useless – I know.

So where does that leave me? Well right now it’s enjoying the soloing, “half unfinished storyline” life  - and all on foot too (grr)!

I met Strider!

Oh my little hobbit is so cute. And oh Archet is pretty. And oh I think I’m going to like this Guardian class. Yes I’m getting into LOTRO. I spent a few exploratory days on an Elf Minstrel but have decided to start again with a Hobbit Guardian after getting tired of singing my enemies to death (I’m already torturing husband with my singing in real life…I’ve joined a choir …so it was all a bit too close to home). And boy am I glad I’m now a Hobbit. Within seconds I had run into  Frodo & Sam (I stood to the side, looking on in starstruck silence, resisting the urge to offer Frodo a pedicure), and have now earned my stripes (plus a lustful look …well I think it was lustful) from the delectable Strider for helping him out.

What I love so far (apart from Strider):-

-The opening narration

-NPCs saying stuff- but not too much that you don’t want to read the quest text

-The straight talking description – Walt has been “murdered”. Ooh – chilling. Those evil blackwolds.

-The “collect your loot when you want it” system  - although logically it makes no sense (I don’t play MMOs for logic  - the crazy loot the animals of WoW carry put pay to that)

-The faint/swoony effect when something dramatic is happening

-The  range of classes  on offer – they all feel very different from WoW. Maybe as I level  it will  end up feeling the same but right now it’s different

-The graphics- I ran through some grass that was swaying in the breeze  - beautiful. But then my hobbit’s hayfever kicked in & it got messy.

-The sounds – I splashed in water! Actually splish splashed. Bobby Darin eat your heart out.

-The fact that I don’t know what’s coming next. And it’s this that I love the most. I am excited to log on. I am excited to level. I want to play some more tonight before bed. And it’s a work night. How crazy am I? And I don’t want to rush through anything. I’m not desperate for end game. I am right at the start of discovering a brand new world and it is great. I remember this feeling in WoW. I remember getting up early the first Saturday  after I’d bought the game, so excited to log on I couldn’t sleep. I remember my toon running down the road from Stormwind to Eastvale Logging camp and I remember thinking, “This is going to be great.” And it was.  For a very long time. And now I’m having the exact same feeling in LOTRO.  The same feeling but a new experience. Ooh – exciting.

And there’s Strider of course. And the lustful look. There might be a thing happening here. Let’s see how it goes.  I’ll play it hobbit cool (but I’ll shave my feet … just in case).

Just Start

I have no idea what to do with my blog anymore. It sits here making me feel guilty. I’ve not played WoW for weeks. Have had the occasional tempting moment but it quickly passes. For a  gaming fix I dip into Facebook’s Game of Thrones – a surprisingly good game that does not force me to (a)spend real money (b)annoy my Facebook friends by sending them a zillion annoying requests each day. So it does the job.

But it’s not a beautiful game – not like WoW. And it’s not a game that inspires me to write. So what about this blog? I was talking to my husband today about how blogging got me through a really tough time in my life. When I started Bravetank I’d just come through (actually we had both just come through) a rather difficult time. Actually that’s a lie – we hadn’t fully come through it, but we were getting there. Slowly. And the blog (and WoW) helped us both.  For me personally it gave me something to write about – & in writing I discovered more about me. New stuff. Interesting stuff.

Then just as things were slowly getting better, something else happened, something else that was hard and painful to take.  Again writing & WoW eventually proved to be my therapy (when I stopped crying long enough to go out and kill stuff- WoW stuff I mean – this isn’t Confessions of a Serial Killer!).

And now I’m in a different place again.  A much better place in many ways, but still a sad place too. I think I have a melancholic disposition. Or I’m just a moody cow. Depends who you ask.  But I do feel sad a lot and restless. And often  nauseous too. I wish I could say it was pregnancy but I suspect I’ll never be that lucky. And that’s part of the overall sadness I guess.

And health wise things aren’t great. Is this what it’s like once you’re the other side of 40? Your body starts playing up. (Hopefully playing up just a bit – don’t fall apart completely body.)  I have severe restless legs syndrome that is slowly driving me mad. I’m on Pramipexole which does work but its potential  side effects terrify me. And when you tell people you have RLS they never really get it. They say “Oh I sometimes get that, isn’t it annoying?” But if you’re describing what you’re having as annoying it’s not the same as what I get. What I get is mind breaking soul destroying electrical surges that shake my body every night without fail  (I have “restless” arms, back, torso as well as legs) & make me cry out with utter utter exhaustion and despair if I try to endure it without tablets.  I have now been forbidden to try to reduce my dose by my husband. After all he is the one who has to pick up the pieces when I try to be strong & fail miserably.  As he has throughout our married life of course – bless him.

I think it’s all related – mind, body, spirit. For years I did not treat my body well- too much alcohol & too much stress. And while I gave up alcohol two and half years ago the stress remains. And so maybe I’m paying the price? There are worse prices to pay I know. I’m currently sobbing my way through Hayley’s Panreatic cancer storyline on Coronation Street & I have too many family/friends who have been or who are affected by illness and disease.  Yes- far worse prices that I hope I never have to pay. But still- I wish I could have a good night’s sleep. I’m tired.

I miss WoW & I miss what I had with this blog. I miss writing – The Guardian Spirit trilogy remains halfway finished (my mother is desperate to know how it turns out). But I’ve taken everything but the Azeroth book off Amazon as I’ve lost all my confidence and energy.  My job itself is so busy that it takes everything out of me – well everything apart from stress and guilt about the past, daily OCD flare ups & nightly twitches,  & anxieties and fears about the future.

This cannot be how life is meant to be. This cannot be how I am meant to be. But I can’t seem to find my way through this. I am trying to be mindful and I am trying to live in the present. But something is missing.  I keep thinking that if I start to write – just a few words – then maybe the act of writing can do for me again what it did before.  Save me from myself and lead me to myself. So that’s what I’m doing right now. I’m writing these words. It’s a start.

 

 

A Hosting Tank

I’ve been away all week at a Leadership  event. Heard some wonderful speakers (including Richard Wiseman – I will never trust my eyes or brain again!). All thoughtprovoking and stimulating stuff. I was told before going that I wouldn’t come back the same – and that’s exactly how I feel. There are changes afoot.

One of the best speakers of the week was Margaret Wheatley. She spoke about the Leader as Host not Hero – moving away from the ”I will solve everything, make all the decisions, save everyone” leadership approach  (you know – Buffy at her most annoying in the last season), to leader as Host – “Come in and let’s get to know each other some more” – welcoming, sharing, engaging. What underpins this is Trust.  When you don’t trust your teams you  often act as “Hero”- either to save them (“they are helpless without me”) or as some sort of Justice deliverer (“they have done wrong, it is my duty to bring them to account”). However, when you trust your team – their values, their work, their knowledge and their commitment – you open up to them and everything they  bring, while in turn sharing with them whatever you can bring to the table. It can be quite wonderful.

There is something in that for the way we game too. I started this site when I decided my new WoW Pally was going to be a Tank & I was going to chart my experiences. I was scared and knew I had to be Brave- hence the name  Bravetank. But why was I scared? I was scared because of my own expectations (& those of others) that the Tank needs to be the one in charge, the one who knows where to go and how to get there, the one who knows everything. But as a new Tank (one who had not done many dungeons before) I didn’t know everything and I didn’t feel confident  - how could I? – I was a new tank. But the expectation was there (in me & in others) that the Tank must be a Leader, and a certain type of Leader at that – the Tank must be a Hero.

And it was awful. Bravetank is still only in her 60s – I never play her now. And if I ever return to her  it will be as a Ret Pally. I did not enjoy Tanking. As those of you who have read this blog from the start  know I constantly stressed about guiding the group through the dungeon.  I was particularly concerned with not knowing the way and getting lost, or having to deal with impatient DPS pullers. Regarding the latter I was confused about what to say to them – should I rebuke them or just leave the group, or should I live with it & let them set the pace? My inner (conditioned) self baulked at the latter – it said I would be a bad leader if I did that. I’d be letting everyone walk all over me. I needed to be in control with my authority firmly established.

Ah yes - control and authority. Let’s show them who’s the boss. We’re back to  Hero mode again- this time with a good old dose of ego too. If we are leaders then we must be strong and firm, quick to make decisions (you clearly don’t know your stuff if you have to THINK about it!) and unwavering in your commitment to these decisions once made (no matter the growing evidence that suggests you might-just might – have got it wrong). Otherwise you are weak and ineffectual, unworthy of the role or title of Leader.

But is that true? I think what people really need and respect is Authenticity – and people  have good bullshit detectors around this. Trying to stamp your authority while quavering inside is not authentic. Saying you have all the answers when you don’t even understand the question is not authentic. Opening up to the skills and experience of those around you & asking for help when you need it is authentic. And from that authenticity will come growth.

But it isn’t easy. I did try opening up to a group as a Tank. I told them just as we were starting that I was a new Tank. I got “…” in reply. I have never understood what that means but I know it isn’t particularly supportive. So what then? What do you do when you open up, show who you are and get knocked back?

You carry on. It’s the paradox of leadership – you become strong by first being humble, you learn by first admitting your ignorance, you grow when you first allow yourself to be small. When starting out you don’t have all the answers, you aren’t invincible and you are not a superhero. You are, quite simply, human.

So you become the Host instead – you welcome in the people around you, valuing their knowledge & experience where your own is lacking, and sharing your knowledge and experience where yours is needed. And success will come. And as Host of course you always have one final thing up your sleeve – the Host has the right to kick out any individual causing too much trouble – but let that be the very last resort indeed