Gabe Durham's Blog, page 9
February 8, 2013
The 10 Best Original NES Games
Not as in “good for their time,” but games I’ve returned to in the last decade and still liked.
The Legend of Zelda – Duh.
Metroid – The atmospherics still freak me out. Is there a good essay on how early video games require a player to bring his/her imagination to the game to make the little nonsense shapes into terrifying monsters? Surely someone beat me to it.
Ice Hockey – Choose from types of player: Skinny, average, or fat. Requires no knowledge of ice hockey except maybe “icing.”
Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle – Fun, challenging, great music.
Crystalis – If this had come out 2 years earlier, everyone would know about it.
Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest – Made a generation fear the night.
Dr. Mario – The only video game Liz and I have ever played together, I think.
Super Mario Bros. 3 – Tied for least controversial choice. Like the rest of my generation, I learned of this game’s existence in the climax of The Wizard. This is also the only game my sister and I went in on together.
Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out – I once had a babysitter who could beat Mike Tyson. I’ve never seen anyone do it since.
Dragon Warrior – Rewards patience. I came to this one too early the first time. I didn’t understand what an RPG was. A red slime would appear enormous on the screen and I would always select “run away.”
February 7, 2013
February 6, 2013
A Thing Bad Books Do
Create Expectations for What Will Happen and How
Do Not Subvert Those Expectations
Do Not Subvert Those Expectations
Do Not Subvert Those Expectations
Do Not Subvert Those Expectations
Do Not Subvert Those Expectations
Fulfill Expectations
February 5, 2013
February 4, 2013
COFFEE DOG BOMB FAQ
What is COFFEE DOG BOMB?
COFFEE DOG BOMB (CDB) is a locally-owned business that sends to your residence or workplace a bombload of puppies that have been given as much coffee as they’d like right before visiting you. The coffee ensures that they are SO excited to see you.
I’m trying to figure out what you mean by “given as much coffee as they’d like.” Are they made to drink it?
Absolutely not, but they all drink it. They love the stuff!
We partially (non-dangerously) dehydrate the puppies for six hours leading up to your visit to ensure a raging thirst that only coffee is available to quench.
So what you’re saying is these puppies love coffee!
Yes. And the longer they’re a part of the team, the more the puppies love coffee.
What kind of coffee are the puppies served?
Our puppies are never served instant coffee. That’s a CDB guarantee. The rest is up to you, based on your budget and priorities:
1. Normal – Folgers
2. Pupgrade (add’l $2 per pup) – Starbucks
3. Pupgrade Deluxe (add’l $6 per pup) – Fair Trade French Press Deans Beans + cream and sugar to taste
I am from PETA and I’ve got to say, I just love the idea that these puppies are often drinking top-notch coffee.
You’re welcome for our service to God’s animals.
What happens when my office gets COFFEE DOG BOMBED?
You and your coworkers will be in puppy heaven. There will be running and jumping and yipping and rolling and playfulness and squishy faces and PLEASE DO NOT WEAR CLEATS, STILETTOS, OR OTHERWISE “STABBY” SHOES.
An unfortunate effect of the caffeine is that if one of the puppies’ lil buddies gets killed or even noticeably injured in the frenzy, those puppies will rip into that buddy like a Salisbury steak and the party gets dark in a hurry.
Will the puppies bite me or my children?
They’ll playfully nip, but you should most likely be fine. However, we STRONGLY recommend that you do not let an infant within teeth’s reach of the puppies, who tend to rely on treat donations from customers for sustenance and will not have been fed before your CDB.
Are the puppies inoculated?
ALL puppies have had the opportunity to be inoculated, yes, though it is hard to tell who’s gotten the shot and who still needs one with SO MANY sweet goddamn puppies running all over the place.
Are any of the puppies technically wolf cubs?
Not anymore, no.
Is it true that the puppies will eventually grow into adult dogs?
Yes! Just as humans must grow from babies to children to disappointments, so must dogs.
Where do the “graduates” of the CDB program go?
They go to loving homes, to loving pounds, and/or eventually on to God.
Have you considered branching out into bunny bombs, snake bombs, or toddler bombs?
We have! Email us about what type of creature or object or fluid YOU would like to be bombed with. If the interest is there, we would LOVE to expand our reach and bomb as many happy Americans as humanly possible.
The guys and I are throwing my buddy a bachelor party. It’s between a stripper and a COFFEE DOG BOMB. Any thoughts?
Please keep in mind that there is to be absolutely NO physical contact between a member of your party and unless it is initiated by the puppy. Clients getting fresh with our puppies is considered a termination of contract and the puppies will IMMEDIATELY go back in the Puppy Trunk.
Do the puppies ever throw up from all that coffee?
Before each COFFEE DOG BOMB begins, you sign a quick and easy waiver saying you’re aware they’re going to be puking and shitting absolutely everywhere.
Aren’t puppies energetic enough without coffee?
Visit http://coffeedog.bomb for your COFFEE DOG BOMB today!
February 1, 2013
The 10 Best Fiona Apple Songs
From Tidal: Sleep to Dream
From When the Pawn: Paper Bag, Fast as You Can, On the Bound
From Extraordinary Machine: Not About Love, Extraordinary Machine, Waltz (Better Than Fine)
From The Idler Wheel: Every Single Night, Anything We Want, Hot Knife
January 31, 2013
The Wrens’ Secaucus is the best album of the 1990′s.
I know, I know, but in these troubled times, you’ve got to be bold.
The truth is: I feel like my ongoing project to serve as an Online Wrens Apologist is going poorly. When I get to heaven and Jesus asks me if I did what I could to disseminate Secaucus and The Meadowlands, I need to be able to tell him I did what I could.
This album is not particularly influential, it’s not immediately accessible, but probably more than any album, Secaucus is the album that simply does not wear out. It is absolutely inexhaustible. 13 years of moderate and sometimes heavy listening cannot break it.
Secaucus is also the album that will always sound the most like the Wrens to me. Silver sounds at times like the Pixies, The Meadowlands sounds like the best of the early 00′s sonic landscape, but Secaucus sounds only like itself.
Here are 3 (legal) MP3s from Secaucus to get you started:
Built in Girls
Surprise, Honeycomb
Dance the Midwest
And 4 from other albums:
Grey Complexion
Napiers
I Guess We’re Done
Everyone Choose Sides
And then a couple more Secaucus tracks from YouTube:
Rest Your Head
I’ve Made Enough Friends
Finally, you can stream the whole thing here. If you need more convincing, talk to me.
January 30, 2013
Yesterday I Received an Important Email from Peter BD Entitled “early review of FUN CAMP”
Here is the email in its entirety:
FUN CAMP is the book of 2013
this is an early review
FUN CAMP was written by gabe durham
young gabe is the most talented of dudes
the title is in all caps
it smacks you in the face
this book will be read from children
to extraterrestrials in outer space
FUN CAMP is going to flip the script
the prose is wicked
heaven sent
everyone is enamored with it’s style
‘it was my favorite book of the year’
those words were spoken by our 44th president
that’s right
obama knows what good writing is
he knows that gabe is the future
he knows that this book will set the trend
yes, the book is titled FUN CAMP
‘that book is the shit’ michelle obama once said
get ready guys
your lives are about to be changed
you are about to witness greatness
you are about to bare witness to a future legend in the game
he’s ready for the lit fame
ready for his life to never be the same
hi haters
g. durham is 12 steps ahead of you lames
FUN CAMP is the kind of book that doesn’t come around often
this is the next great american novel
this is not farce
these are not lies
he is a talented writer
and his book is ahead of it’s time
so make sure you pre-order it
because it will most likely sell out in minutes
the title is FUN CAMP
and gabe durham is the best that ever did it
*
I replied: ” SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT. Did you for real read the book? Or are you like my best-ever hype man?? Either is great.”
And 9 hours later he wrote back: “you rule”
What a welcome reminder that I am the best that ever did it and 12 steps ahead of you lames.
Thank you, peterbd99@gmail.com. Suck it, everyone else.
But please buy my book when it comes out.
January 29, 2013
Let’s Play “Which of These Visitors Was Wasting Their Time?”
Answer (duh): The Canadian cinematography one.
