Regina Doman's Blog: Regina Doman's Updates, page 4

The Community of the Beatitudes (1997)

Originally published in Our Sunday Visitor, July 6, 1997This text is the author's copy and may vary slightly from the publisher's copy.Please note: Due to a faulty listing on Google, I've been contacted by numerous people seeking information about the Community of the Beatitudes. So for the record, I will say: this article was written in 1997. I am NOT afflilated with the Community of the Beatitudes and do not have any current contact information for any of the houses or members (my last contact with them was in 1997, before they even had a website!). Also, since this article was written, the Archdiocese of Denver has invited the community to his diocese, and they have a community there. For more information, please go to www.beatitudes.us and make your inquiries there. Thanks!We arrived at the four-story convent in Quebec around ten at night, and were unsure of which door to try, the side door or the front door beneath the new white sign, "Communite de Beatitudes": "The Community of the Beatitudes." Both doors were unlocked.Finally we found a bell to ring, and a woman in her thirties came to the door, her hair escaping from a knot in the back. She wore a white shirt and a brown skirt, and her English was good."Welcome!" she said, ushering us to our room, explaining that our bedroom was one recently vacated by a couple who had left the convent in order to move to France. The suite of room she showed us was fresh in its white paint, tastefully trimmed with natural wood beams, simple, sparse, and inviting."I will bring up food for your breakfast tomorrow, or you may join us downstairs for breakfast," the woman said, smiling. "Sometimes the families eat alone, sometimes with the rest of the community."In the morning, we joined her and another woman from the community, also dressed in brown and white, in the chapel for the rosary. We sat in the pews along with a few other women in ordinary dress, whom we later learned were relatives on a visit, while the two community women knelt on an oriental carpet spread before the tabernacle. The Rosary was prayed in French and English.The chapel was a fine balance of ornate simplicity. In a recess draped in red velvet at the center of the far wall stood a glittering tabernacle with a crucifix above it. Before the white-covered altar were two lecterns hung with gold cloth, holding icons: the Virgin and Child and the the face of Christ. Votive candles in silver hanging lamps flickered before them. On the altar itself was a golden menorah, all seven candles lit.After the Rosary, other community members trickled into the chapel for Lauds, the community's morning prayer. The men were dressed in white shirts with brown pants, and the women wore long white woolen robes. I later learned that in the colder months, all community members wear these capes, which resemble the prayer robes worn by Carmelite nuns. One of the last members to enter was a mild-faced nun in a white habit, who took her place at the center.Prayer began with a vigorous Jewish rendition of Psalm 95, "Come before the Lord with singing," sung in four-part harmony to the accompaniment of hand-clapping and a bongo drum. After the song, the community broke into spontaneous singing and praise, the sort typical of charismatic prayer meetings, while a man chanted a psalm from the Liturgy of the Hours. Then the nun advanced to the center lectern to read from the Bible and lead the intercessions.After prayer ended, two young men set up the altar for Eucharistic adoration. The nun reverently removed the Host from the tabernacle and placed it in the monstrance. The day-long adoration began with the entire community prostrating themselves on the carpet, except for the nun, who stood gazing steadily at the Host.A Monastic Life for FamiliesThe nun, I later learned, was Sister Faustina, the "shepherd," or house leader, of this particular convent in the Community of the Beautitudes. In this convent, a nun, a novice monk, three families and a handful of single men and women share a life of silence, contemplative prayer, and work. They share their way of life with hundreds of other people in over forty convents throughout Europe and the Third World.Brother Ephraim, a deacon and convert to Catholicism, started the Community of the Beatitudes in the 1970's in France with just two couples who wanted to form a monastic way of life for families. They drew strength from many movements and groups: Vatican II, the charismatic renewal, the Marian movement, the Jewish religion, the Eastern Catholic Churches.The Community terms itself "three-quarters monastic," because they do engage in outside apostolates, although they attempt to spend at least three to five hours a day in prayer, and to live in silence as much as possible. The Community was recognized as a Private Association of the Faithful in 1985 under the New Code of Canon Law by Bishop Coffy of Albi, France. There is a strong probability that the continued growth of the community will require a whole new legal definition to be created for them by Rome.A Mission to the Jewish PeopleI ask Diane Belangers, a single woman in the Canadian house, about the menorah placed on the altar during prayer. She told us that Brother Ephraim spent a year in Jerusalem when the Community was forming. There he realized "that the first Christians did what the Jews did. The first Christians kept the Sabbath and the Jewish feasts. So he decided that we would have all the Catholic feasts and the Jewish feasts in our community, and that we would pray for the Jewish people, that they would come to know Jesus as the Messiah. We do not go out and try to tell them this, because then they would just hate us. But when you pray for someone, you also try to show them that you love the things they love."To do this, the community commemorates all of the Jewish feasts in Hebrew fashion: with prayer, fasting, chanting, and more often, singing, dancing, and feasts. Every Friday night, they begin their celebration of the Jewish Sabbath with lighting candles and a special Sabbath meal."Jesus was a good Jew. He kept the Sabbath always. Even in death. He 'rested' in His tomb on the day of rest," Diane pointed out.Saturday is spent preparing for the fulfillment of the Sabbath, Sunday: the day of the Resurrection of the Lord. That night, the dining hall is decorated with flowers and the special icon of the Resurrection is displayed. Guests are welcomed to join them for special vespers, with a celebration afterwards including coffee and cake and Jewish dancing in the dining hall.Catholic feasts are also commemorated with celebrations. The second day of our visit was the Catholic feast of the Queenship of Mary. A picture of Mary crowned queen was set up in the chapel, flowers were put on the altar, and the community took a break from their daily work to go to the country for a hike and a picnic.In the community, the charismatic renewal has come to the next natural stage: ritualization. Members pray charismatic-style, hands upraised, but they all do so together. During the songs, they bow or kneel at the same time. Handclapping had a precise pattern. But instead of seeming mechanical, the ritualized "charismatic" prayer appears even more heartfelt and beautiful. And unlike some charismatic prayer, the ritualized prayer made us outsiders feel comfortable, and encouraged us to participate.The community has developed their own version of the Liturgy of the Hours. Morning prayer borrows much from Jewish prayer, while Evening prayer uses the chant and the prayers of the Eastern Catholic churches. Night prayer is sung in Latin. In addition to this, the Rosary is prayed three times a day, and each person has a private hour of adoration. There are teachings given by Sister Faustina and usually a daily Mass.The rest of the time is taken up with work: cooking, chores, repairs on their old convent, song practice, and artwork.On our second day with the community, a man named Steven was appointed to give us a tour of the convent. We got a chance to see a family's apartment -- a family with two teenagers. It was small, but furnished nicely in a country style. There were books, a stereo, plants on the tables. The walls were painted different colors -- yellow, beige. We were very impressed when Steven told us that all the work, including the electrical and plumbing, was done by the community.On the top floor of the convent were rooms set aside for different artists in the community to use. "If a community member has a gift, an artistic gift, we try to help them develop it. All these gifts come from God," Steven said.One woman paints icons and creates hand puppets. Another man does pottery and repairs statues, while other members compose music and grow plants. One couple, Michelin and Gaston, used to travel across France doing puppet shows on the lives of the saints, but as they grew older, this ministry became more and more difficult for them. But then, another ministry became possible through the generousity of a friend of the community.Stephan ushered us into a small television studio on the top floor. Two studio video cameras faced a black-hung screen. Around the room stood elaborate sets and dozens of puppets -- apostles, Phairisees, sheep, nuns, wolves, priests, Indians, peasants, queens, with realistic faces and elaborate costumes.Our guide told us that the community has been videotaping the puppet shows with the help of the donated television equipment. Students from the University of Steubenville helped to dub the shows into English so that they can be shown on EWTN, the Catholic cable network. All the sets and puppets are made by the community members.In each studio was a small altar with an icon and a vigil lamp. "The artist lights the candle before he or she begins to work," Stephan said. "In this way, the work is a prayer."The structure of the community is similar to that of a religious order, with adjustments for married people. Like a religious order, the individual houses depend primarily on donations for their survival. Members of the community have no property or savings. Families are allowed to have their own furniture, dishes, and essentials for raising the children, but they try to live as simply as possible.The shepherds, who are usually nuns (although some shepherds are priests, deacons, monks, or married men) serve for terms of four years. They are the spiritual directors and house leaders of the particular convent they are assigned to.Entrance to the Community requires a one-year inquiry stage, a one-year postulancy, and a three to six year novitiate. Upon entering the Community, single and married people make formal promises, while those called to be nuns or monks take vows before a bishop and don religious habits. All other members wear white shirts with brown skirts or pants, with olive-wood crosses around their necks. After formal entrance to the Community, a lamb is carved on the cross.FamiliesA writer in Fire and Light in the Living Tradition, a magazine put out by the Community, states that the blend of married, single, and celibate people within the community is "a great source of balance" which enables each person to give of his best. "Both ways of life are a stimulant for those who might have a slight tendency towards apathy."In order to maintain silence in the common areas, the families's quarters are usually placed on a separate wing or floor. Parents with children join the Community for prayer whenever possible. Other members baby-sit when the parents take their hour of adoration. Community children attend outside schools.In order for a married couple to join the Community, both spouses and all the children in the family must agree on the decision. If one of the children doesn't feel comfortable living in community after a trial period, the family is discouraged from joining. "The life is already tough, so you don't want to make it tougher," Diane explained.If a family enters when their children are young, and after growing older, the children dislike living in community, the parents are encouraged to leave for the sake of the family. But typically, children raised in a community enjoy community life. Some enter the Community as adults, some do not. Diane added that a few years ago, a group of teenagers and young adults who had been raised in the French communities made a joint statement applauding their parents for choosing this way of life.When the parents join the community formally, they give up all their possessions, retaining only essentials such as dishes and furniture which they can use in their apartments and pass onto their children. Typically, they put all of their money into their children's accounts, so that the children can use it for schooling. Sometimes, Diane says, if the parents don't have enough money to send all of their children to college, God provides the money through some other way. "But He always provides the money until the end of high school," she adds.The community's method of trusting to Providence to provide is through total committment. Each house tithes ten percent of the donations they receive to charity. "And when there's no money coming in, what we do is we give all of it to the poor. Say we have only twenty dollars -- we give it all to the poor. And then God gives back. That's how it works."What happens, I asked, if a person or a family wants to leave the community after they make their formal committment? Diane laughed. "It's not like you're in a cult. If people need to leave, they are allowed to leave. But if they have made promises, they have given everything away. The Community usually gives them some money to start back in life. They give what they can give -- food, furniture. They can't give a million, you know, because we're not rich. But they can give enough so they can start out."People who want to share in the Community life without entering a monastery can become Friends of the Lamb. They join the Community for prayer whenever they can, and if they live at a distance, they pray using cassette tapes of the Community services. The Canadian Community has a few affiliated members in the States, but most are from Canada.I asked if they had any Americans interested in joining the Community. She said that a handful have visited the Community, but "for most people it is better to enter the Community in their own country. I know there will be a foundation in the U.S. God said so. But He didn't say when. So we have to wait."What is needed, she said, if for a U.S. bishop to invite them into their diocese. Why would a bishop invite you, I asked. She replied, "Well, usually they want to have a contemplative community in their diocese. There are many of these, but sometimes they like that our community has vocations for couples as well as single people."The Community gives retreats at the request of their bishop, traveling to different parishes to do days of reflection, parish missions, and confirmation retreats. They usually they attend daily Mass and Sunday Mass in the parish where they are located. "Because if we stayed in our convent all the time, it would look strange, and no one would get to know us. They wouldn't feel we were part of the parish. And we want to be. So even if we have a priest, we go to the parishes, usually three times a week."Although they can't visit parishioners, they usually do become acquainted with them through retreats and other services. And people know that the Community's prayer time is open to the parish, especially the Saturday night vespers."We try not to do too much because otherwise we would be on the road to much. And our life here, we have to work. The convent that they give us is usually an old convent. So we have to repair, we have to make rooms, there is a lot of work to do. And we need time to do that."Although the outreach of this Community is primarily spiritual, in other areas larger communities are able to do more. The Community has a book, tape, and video ministry. Communities in the Third World build houses for the poor. Many houses welcome handicapped and disabled people into their midst, inspired by the "L'Arche" communities founded by Jean Vanier. The French communities are quite involved in the pro-life movement, doing crisis pregnancy work."Here we can't do that -- we are only fifteen people. Usually we do mainly retreats." However, the Canadian Community was able to help out one unwed mother who came to them for help. She lived with them in the convent until she had her baby, and then they helped to set her up in an apartment. She remains a close friend.Diane encouraged us to spend an entire week next time we came to visit. "Every day is different, and so you must come for an entire week, or else you won't get to know it. If you come Monday through Sunday, you get a good idea of what's going on." She said that the Community is always open to visitors, provided that the Community is not away on retreat.As we drove home, my husband and I agreed that this Community offers something we have not really seen: an embrace of beauty within poverty, as a means to both glorify God and evangelize others. Perhaps some day soon, the Community of the Beautitudes will be able to share this charism with the Catholic Church in America.For more information on the Community of the Beatitudes, go to beatitudes.us.copyright Regina Doman, 1999. This document is available for republishing only after the author's permission has been obtained. Click the top button for an email link to the author.

Archive of my past articles

My articles 1995-2008It's rare now for me to write articles. But below is a resume of my past writings for newspapers and magazines, most of which are pre-internet, and some of which linger online still, though most are defunct. But I decided to post this list just to have it posted somewhere. If you are interested in reprinting an article, please contact me to obtain permission. Thanks! 2008___________________________Prince Caspian: Can Hollywood Be Restrained? 
Suspense Drives the Book, Not Instant Gratification01/07/08 www.hollywoodjesus.com
My take on the upcoming Prince Caspian movie is pessimistic, given Hollywood's poor handling of slow, suspensful stories like Lewis's second Chronicle.2007___________________________The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe: Pastiche, Pullman, and Power
What Makes Lewis's First Fantasy Novel a Classic 12/07/07 www.hollywoodjesus.comThis overview of the first Narnia book examines Philip Pullman's charge that the book is simply Christian propaganda. The Chronicles of Narnia: Taking Narnia Lightly
...Is Perhaps the Best Way to Take It
11/01/07 www.hollywoodjesus.com
The first article in a series on the Chronicles of Narnia argues that Lewis' novels are best understood when they are not subjected either to dictionaries and encyclopedias of creatures, or to somber inspections for racism, sexism, and imperialism. In Defense of Dumbledore
www.CatholicExchange.com
My take on one Harry Potter controversey, which also examines the Church's teaching on homosexuality.2005____________________________The Catholic Fiction Problem is a Marketing ProblemWritten originally for Jim Manney's blog, I later gave a talk on this at the Catholic Marketing Network's Catholic Writer's Conference section. "Is Harry Potter for Catholics?"
CatholicExchange.comI took some time to write this article on why Harry Potter should be acceptable to Christians, particularly Catholics, just before the publication of the sixth Harry Potter Book, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.2002-4________________________________After Eden
From 2003-2004, I served as a monthly columnist for an ecumencial magazine, "After Eden" at HollywoodJesus.com. I wrote columns, as well as responses to columns written by Pastor Mike Gunn of Harambee Church in Tukwila, Washington. My responses are below Pastor Mike's columns, and his responses are below mine.1999________________________________Lay Witness
"Star Wars and the Virgin Birth" National Catholic Register
"Abuses follow Oregon's Euthanasia Laws"
"Handicapped Rights Activists Condemn Right to Die Law"
"The Rite Switch: why Roman rite Catholics become Eastern rite"Catholic World Report
August/September 1999 "Living With Death in Oregon"1998________________________________ Our Sunday Visitor
November 1, 1998
"Mainstreaming Pornography in the Movies." National Catholic Register 
March 1-7, 1998, "Human Rights Abuses Mark Peruvian Sterilization Campaign."
February 22-28, 1998"Preaching the Gospel of Life," (report on HLI's Priest & Deacon Conference).
January 11-17, 1998
review of book on the Oklahoma City bombing.Catholic World Report 
January 1998
"More than a Beach Novel?" (review of Pierced by a Sword by Bud MacFarlene, Jr.).1997________________________________ National Catholic Register
December 7-13, 
"After the Apocalypse: Real Life Stories," (review of Strangers and Sojourners by Michael O' Brien and Conceived Without Sin by Bud MacFarlane, Jr.). Our Sunday Visitor
October 26, 1997
"Awesome Guy" (memorial for Rich Mullins)
July 6, 1997
"Conversations With Christ: The Pitfalls of a Prophet"
July 6, 1997
Interview with the Beatitudes Community, Quebec.
April 6, 1997
"The Conversion of the Jews," Interview with the Association of Hebrew CatholicsNew Covenant
May 1997
"You Oughta Pray With Pictures"Nazareth Journal
December 1997
"Toys: A Strategy"1996________________________________ Our Sunday Visitor 
November 1996
Book review of Father Elijah by Michael O'Brien
January 7, 1996
"That They May Be One," Interview with the New York San Egidios Community
January 7, 1996
"A Good Book," review of Pierced by a Sword, St. Jude Media, 1995New Covenant
December 1996
"The Passionate Life and Death of St. Stephen"
March 1996
"Sacramentals: What they are and How to Use Them"YOU Catholic Youth Magazine
(for the column Answer Me!) 
September 1996
"Protestants: Who are they?"
May 1996
"The Saint Connection"
April 1996
"The Resurrection of the Body"
March 1996
"Mortal Sin"
February 1996 
"Looking at Mohammed and Islam"
January 1996
"Infant Baptism" Lay Witness
Jan / Feb 1996
Review of Catholic is Wonderful by Mitch Finley1995________________________________ Catholic World Report
Aug/Sept 1995
"Asking the Wrong Question" (Book review of A Tremor of Bliss, ed. by Paul Elie, Harcourt 1995)
May 1995
"The Battle for the Imagination" (Book review of A Landscape with Dragons by Michael O'Brien, Northern River Press, 1994) Our Sunday Visitor
June 1995
"The Simple Gifts of the Faith" Interview with the Bethlehem Community, North DakotaNew Covenant 
July 1995
"How I Pray Now: Reflections of a Second-Generation Charismatic"Caelum Et Terra
Summer 1995
"The Seven Dress Wardrobe"Franciscan Way 
Summer 1995
Interview with singer Allison WaldropYOU! Catholic Youth Magazine 
Nov/Dec 1995
"The Twelve Days of Christmas" ( for the column "Answer Me!")
Nov/Dec 1995
"Was Jesus Born on Dec. 25?"
October 1995
"Can You Leave the Catholic Church?"
September 1995
"Is there a Population Problem?"
July 1995
"The Pope"
May /June1995
"Can We Call Priests 'Father'?"
April 1995
"What does the Church Say About Divorce?"
March 1995
"Can Jesus' Sacrifice be Repeated?"
February 1995
"Is Reincarnation true?"
January 1995
"What is Bilocation /Levitation?"1994________________________________New Covenant 
November 1994
"Is He Risen?"Nazareth Journal 
Advent 1994
"The Little Mouse and the Most Important Person in the World"
Lent 1994
"A Kid's Search for Good Books" reprinted in  Catholic Digest  1994 as "Good Books for Kids" Franciscan Way
Fall 1994
"Franciscan Saints: Brother Juniper"In Review: Living Books Past & Present 
Summer 1994
"Pancakes and Detectives: Nate the Great"Caelum Et Terra
Winter 1994
"Requiem for the Things in My Trunk" 
Spring 1994
"Recapturing Worship" Lay Witness
May 1994
"St. Maria Goretti: Example of Forgiveness"
April 1994
"St. John of the Cross: Courage Under Fire"YOU! Catholic Youth Magazine (for the column "Answer Me!") 
Nov/Dec 1994
"Where's the truth -- in the Bible or with the Church?"
October 1994
"Apparitions: What are they all about?"
August 1994
"Did Jesus Have Brothers and Sisters?"
April 1994
"The Resurrection Debate"
March 1994
"Is the Creation Story True?"
February 1994
"Why Celibacy?"1993_________________________________ Catholic Digest
November 1993
"Two Thomases, Twins in Sanctity" (reprint of "Twins in Sanctity," Lay Witness,
December 1992)
October 1993
"My Family, the Church" (reprint of "Sheltered in Christ," Caelum Et Terra, Spring 1993) Catholic World Report
October 1993
"Mother Angelica Sounds Off" (with Philip Lawler, Helen Hull Hitchcock, and James Hitchcock)Caelum Et Terra 
Fall 1993
"Shakespeare and Children"
Spring 1993 "Sheltered in Christ: The Church as a Big, Rowdy Family" Lay Witness
November 1993
"Youth Issue Petition to Counter Strange Stations of the Cross."
April 1993
"St. Robert Bellarmine: Witness of Peace"
March 1993 "Book Review: In Search of a National Morality"1992________________________________ Lay Witness
December 1992
"St. Thomas a Becket/St. Thomas More: Twins in Sanctity"
November 1992
"St. Elizabeth of Hungary: A Love Story"

Star Wars and the Virgin Birth (1999)

This article was published in Lay Witness, 1999, and as part of a retrospective on my 50th birthday, I have been setting about republishing articles that were published pre-internet, or published on websites which are now obsolete. FYI this text is the author's copy and may vary slightly from the publisher's copy.I just returned from seeing the long-awaited Star Wars: Episode One: The Phantom Menace, part of George Lucas' cinematic masterpiece, which deals with the early years of Anakin Skywalker, the powerful Jedi Knight who falls from grace to become the evil Darth Vader of the earlier movies. In this first episode, we learn that young Anakin Skywalker is the "chosen one," who was conceived through the Force itself. Anakin's mother tells a visiting Jedi Knight that Anakin has no human father - he just "happened."Lucas wisely downplays this aspect of the movie, rightly fearing that Christians will suspect an irreverent parody of Christianity - a fallen Christ, born of a virgin.In my eyes, Lucas's theology of the Force, while sharing a few similarities with Christianity (being a loose mixture of Buddhist and New Age beliefs encompassing such discrepasncies as practicing mind control while opposing slavery), is nothing like it. My husband observes that as a pre-revelation theology, a sort of natural religion, it works fairly well in a fictional universe, with varying degrees of coherence and plausibility.I wasn't threatened by the "divine" birth of Anakin Skywalker. In fact, it is an emotionally unsuccessful plot device. It is so far removed from the reality of the Incarnation in the Catholic understanding that there is almost no similarity, outside of externals. However, it occurred to me that Lucas's portrayal is very similar, in fact almost identical to the low-church Protestant understanding of the Virgin Birth which is prevalent in America today.In this Protestant interpretation, Mary, a sinner like us all, is a mere incubator, an available womb in the correct genealogical line for the Holy Spirit to use. Her saying "yes" to God is commendable, but not necessary or intrinsic to salvation. In fact, with Christ post-partum, Mary has normal marital relations with Joseph and conceives other human children: she "goes on" with her life.One thing about this interpretation is that it assumes that Mary and Joseph are like rather dense moderns, who see no connection between the body and moral actions, instead of devout Jews dedicated heart and soul to the God of their Fathers. If I were Joseph, and was told by an angel that my wife had been impregnated by the Spirit of the Most High God, I wouldn't be so quick to assume my husbandly rights over her. On the contrary, I would probably do as Tradition says Joseph did: preserve her virginity with all the protection and loving care of the High Priest over the Ark of the Covenant.Unlike the Lucas and Protestant versions of the Virgin Birth, the Catholic understanding is so much richer, so much deeper, touching on the unfathomable mystery of God. First of all, Mary is not randomly impregnated by a spiritual Force, but by a Person - the Third Person of the Trinity.God, from the moment of her conception in her mother's womb, chose Mary and united Himself with her so fully, so completely, that it was a marriage in the full sense of the word. The Holy Spirit became the Spouse of a human Jewish peasant, united His Spirit to her flesh, preserving her from any offense against God, empowering her to live a life that was a magnification of the glory of the Lord. After the Annunciation, He "covered her with His Shadow," in the Hebrew idiom of marital intimacy, and this action was fruitful, bringing forth a Son, and she named Him Jesus.Given this incredible, historically-unique intimacy with the Godhead, it is ludicrous to imagine that Mary was unconscious of it all. While she might not have understood the theology of the Trinity, she lived her life within Their Life, and pondered all these things in her heart.In Lucas's movie, Anakin apparently just "shows up" in his mother's womb. In low-church Christianity, Mary at least has the benefit of an angel telling her what is going on. But in the Catholic understanding, the conception of Christ is the culmination, the incredible answer to what must have been Mary's lifetime wondering of who she was and why God had chosen her for this intimacy.The Virgin Mother of Christ is more than just a Messianic proof. She is an intrinsic part of His life and God's plan, a wonderful convergence of the Divine with the Human that is a foreshadowing of the Divine Nature of Christ Himself, fully God and fully man. The overturning of human history - nature "standing on its head" as GKC puts it -- is accomplished not only through the God-man but through the Immaculata, the Virginal Spouse of the Holy Spirit, the New Eve with the New Adam.It is wonderful to speculate on the relationship between the Immaculata and the Third Person of the Trinity, wrote St. Maximilian Kolbe, who found in that mystery a fountain of reflection that spanned a lifetime. I wonder if someday filmmakers will find inspiration in the Catholic understanding of the Virgin Birth. It might make a film exciting and fantastic enough to rival the Star Wars series.copyright Regina Doman, 1999. This document is available for republishing only after the author's permission has been obtained. Click the top button for an email link to the author.

Toys: Setting the Parameters of the Imagination

Published in Nazareth Journal, December 1997. Republished in Keystone: the journal of Christian Home Schoolers of New Zealand, November 2004. This text is the author's copy and may vary slightly from the publisher's copy.Every once in a while, I suspect that every parent feels like a hopeless idealist. Some parents feel this way when announcing to secular friends or relatives their intent to follow the Church's teaching on birth control. Others sense their own naiveté when they state that they intend to never own a television set. I feel this way when it comes to toys."My children," I say, with all ingenuousness when the topic comes up in discussion, "will never have a lot of toys. I'm a toy reductionist.""Ah," the older parents say, smiling paternally at me, "we used to feel that way. But the toys just come out of nowhere. We don't buy them -- they just appear. Face it: as a parent, you are doomed to shoveling your way through a living room full of Fisher Price, Loc-Blocs, and Matchbox cars. Believe us. We know."I don't think they take me seriously.And they could be right. After all, my husband and I only have two children -- and one is in the womb, and doesn't yet play with toys. Years from now, I could find this article buried beneath a heap of plastic play-food mixed with Tinkertoy heads and laugh cynically at my former aspirations.But I feel quite strongly about toys. There are several reasons. The strongest reason is that when it comes to toys, my childhood experiences are at my fingertips. I remember vividly what it was like to be a child, in relationship to toys, at least.To tell the truth, I don't think I ever got over my love for toys. If put in the right environment and given a couple of average-sized kids to entertain, I could fall back into playing with them quite easily. I remember building sand castles and block cities. I remember making my own dollhouses, being perennially dissatisfied with the ready-made ones I found in the stores. The stuffed animals and dolls I loved I can readily picture -- even remember their names and personalities.I also remember my dislikes. Certain toys I always found ugly, and even repulsive. Not just the horrid plastic monsters and Masters of the Universe grotesques, but certain plastic baby dolls, cheap stuffed creatures, clown dolls. As a child, I was pretty discriminating with what I played with.I also remember the Clutter. The house I grew up in had a large basement -- a wonderful place that was big enough to ride tricycles in and roller skate in, a perfect stage for plays and puppet shows, a natural site for forts built out of tables, boxes, and blankets. My six-plus siblings and I played there for hours on end.But I also remember Cleaning the Basement, our standard Saturday chore. I remember wading through the slough of Fisher Price playsets, action figures, puzzle pieces, farm animals, plastic soldiers, dried playdough, torn books, wooden blocks, and various little odds and ends that no one could identify. We had to sort out the toys into various cardboard boxes my mother had covered with contact paper for this express purpose of organization. I remember the endless trips to the toybox and block bin, feeling sour and aggravated by the knowledge that I hadn't even played with half of these things -- my little brother had knocked them off the shelves when he was pretending to be trapped by an earthquake, or my friends had dumped them on the floor just to be mean. Even from a child's perspective, it was easy to see that our family owned too many toys.What could our family do about it? As the oldest child, and therefore supposedly the most responsible, I quickly arrived at the idea of throwing most of them out. I was always overruled, first by my siblings, which was natural (I only suggested throwing out their toys, of course) but more unreasonably, by my parents, who thought that "your brothers and sisters might want to play with them again some day."So most of the toys remained, until gradually they subsumed into dusty disuse on their basement shelves, simultaneously loved and hated by the children of our family.This frustration with Toy Clutter has never quite left me. The sight of a living room or bedroom cluttered with a hodgepodge of playthings still arouses in me quite the same emotions. I suspect my brothers and sisters still feel the same way. I know that other parents, who are constantly having to pick up after their offspring, share these feelings. But what's to be done about all this? Is there no end to the modern onslaught of toys?My husband is also the oldest child in his family (my parents now have ten children, his have eleven) so his emotions on the toy issue are almost identical to mine -- except stronger. "Our children will NOT have a lot of toys!" he was the first to declare emphatically when we discussed the issue during our engagement, and I eagerly agreed. We know what it's like to clean up after other people for oh, eighteen to twenty years straight, and by golly, we weren't going to let our kids have to go through that -- let alone put us through it.In fact, my husband was even more adamant about reducing Toy Clutter than I was, being a man and a former boy. Little girls do tend to produce more Toy Clutter -- boxes of tiny doll clothes, piles of stuffed animals, shelves of doll collections, horse collections, shell collections, jewelry collections -- and I still have my girlish sympathies. For example, I still have a significant amount of cherished girlhood toys in my cedar chest. Andrew doesn't have anything that he owned as a child, except for a clothes rack and a poncho.So we had definite ideas on the toy issue before we even conceived our first child. We thought rightly that we had better plan our strategy against the menace of Toy Clutter early, so as not to be caught unprepared.We came up with an informal list detailing how Toy Clutter begins in the first place, and after each item listed a possible strategy for dealing with it.How do Toys come into a home?1 . Parents buy them. 
Therefore, we resolved to be judicious in our toy-buying as the first line of defense. We would not buy "fad" toys -- Baby-Make-A-Face and other one-use only toys. Generic, traditional toys would be the best buys -- balls, teddy bears, blocks, dump trucks. And we'd have to watch to make sure that we didn't buy toys merely for the sake of buying the child something -- when a snack or a trip to the park would do equally well.2. Relatives buy them. 
This was a potential danger, we thought, particularly from grandparents and godparents. We decided to embark on an "education campaign" to let our parents and siblings know how we felt about toys. Also, we felt it was only fair to give them alternative gift ideas to toys. The alternate gift turned out to be perfect: books. As book addicts and lovers of children's literature, we firmly believe children can't have too many books, provided they aren't cheap ones about syndicated characters. "You can ALWAYS get our children good kid's books," we told everyone, and no one really objected. In fact, I found out that several of my aunts had always felt the same way about toys. (You think you're being so original at times, when you're only living out your family genes)3. Friends buy them.
Either friends of the family or friends of the children -- e.g.. at birthday parties. This was a bit more difficult to explain, but we thought we'd deal with it on a case-by-case situation. Fortunately, with birthday parties, parents often have the opportunity to suggest gifts to the guests, and we thought we might be able to give some judicious guidance there.4. Children buy them.
This, we reasoned, might be easier to deal with, at least for a while, since parents can monitor what the children bring into the house, or even what they buy. And if we formed our children's tastes correctly, they might not feel the need to spend their money on useless toys. As a child, my favorite store was not the toy store, but the craft store, where I could spend my pennies on materials to make my own toys -- pompom animals, felt dolls, wooden doll furniture. I look forward eagerly to introducing our children to my childhood pastime, although my husband foresees difficulties with Craft Clutter in the future. But that's another issue.5. They get left in your home by accident 
(by neighbor children, visitors, etc.) In that case, we would have to be firm and direct about returning them or passing them on.6. People give them to you,
in the same way that they pass on used clothing, etc. We would have to be committed to passing such toys on, if we thought they would be Clutter-inducing. One mother told me that it is possible, "so long as you don't let your children play with them first. Once a child plays with a toy, it becomes part of their soul, and you can't remove it without some degree of agony." We would have to be vigilant.The second line of defense against Toy Clutter would be how to deal with the toys once they were actually in our home and possessed by the children. There are several ways in which toys leave the home, aside from getting lost (either by the child losing them or by the parent conveniently forgetting to find them). Parents have several options for enabling Toys to leave:1. Throwing them out.If the toy is broken beyond repair (easy with plastic toys) or if there is a general family revolt against Clutter. These revolts, usually led by older siblings or parents, can be traumatic for younger children and are generally not to be encouraged, as oppression of the strong by the weak. However, in my family and my husband's, throwing toys away (covertly, late at night) was often the only way that Toy Clutter could be combated. We decided we would have to develop and utilize other kinder, gentler strategies against Toy Clutter, once it had actually occurred.2. Giving toys away (to friends, to St. Nicholas projects, to the Salvation Army) or selling them (e.g.: at garage sales). 
As hard as it is, we would have to encourage our children to be generous in sharing their toys with others, even to the extent of giving them away. I know how terribly hard it is to give away something you are attached to. Well, one way to help the children understand this would be for me as a parent to demonstrate such self-sacrificial giving myself. Also, we would have to build up in our children the virtue of hospitality, particularly towards the poor -- to help them see the needy, the stranger, the poor as Christ Himself. Giving away your possessions, even toys, isn't just an exercise in disinterested charity (giving away what you don't need) but is merely restoring to Christ what is His by right. He deserves everything we have. Even if we gave Him our most treasured possession, He wouldn't owe us anything. That virtue of generous, foolish love is perhaps the hardest thing parents have to teach children -- because it is so hard for us. If giving away toys could help teach them that, it might be a useful thing indeed.This also points out, incidentally, that any strategy against Toy Clutter won't be effective unless it's accompanied by a general attack against Clutter in general -- particularly Parental Clutter. As single people, we'd tried earnestly to simplify our lives, and we would have to continue this often harrowing process of sorting through and giving away throughout our lives. We would have to be neither hypocritical (giving away our kid's toys while hoarding CDs, bric-a-brac, clothing, and grown-up toys for ourselves) nor exempt our children from the discipline we practiced.3. Packing toys away, to be given to younger children or, in rare cases, saved for the children's own children. 
Packing toys away is a useful strategy for helping to de-clutter a house. Once the toys are out of sight and out of the way (hidden in a closet or attic, not simply in a box in the playroom to be used as emergency ammunition in pillow-fights), in some cases the children become less attached to them. They may be willing to give them away, if the toys are truly useless. Maybe not. In any event, the box of toys can be unpacked on special occasions (birthdays, rainy days) to be played with again, and other toys can be packed away in its place.While packing away may not help children give toys away, it does reduce the amount of toys which are immediately accessible and need to constantly be picked up and put away. And it's a good idea, I think, to encourage the children regularly go through their toys to decide what they no longer play with, what needs to be fixed, and what could be saved for play later on. It's a useful exercise in stewardship, and preparation for adult simplification.Even with the First and Second lines of defense, my husband and I felt a need to be a bit more selective. After all, how could we determine whether or not a toy was acceptable for our family?There were obvious moral considerations. For example, playing with toys that were occultic (monsters, witches, etc.) was unacceptable -- although perhaps a token evil person to serve as the Bad Guy in made-up adventures would be allowed. (Growing up, our Fisher-Price people were constantly menaced by an ugly plastic dragon who was forever kidnapping the children or the parents and needed to be resoundingly defeated by the townspeople).Toys that encouraged violence -- toy machine guns and bombs -- were also obviously out. Also, we felt (I have always felt) that Barbie dolls and their ilk don't really represent the kind of femininity we want our daughters to imitate. The skimpy outfits of many Disney heroines (and heroes) are also unacceptable to us. I remember reading (as a precocious ten-year-old) the Christian psychologist Dr. Dobson on the subject of Barbie dolls. He asked what type of image girls were getting about what their bodies should look like when they become teenagers from the voluptuous curves and flawless complexions of fashion dolls. It's a set-up for low self-esteem as well as grooming the girl to readily conform to the pressures of the media and the fashion industry to fit into a certain model of "beauty." I just don't think that little girls, in their innocence, need to be exposed to those kinds of pressures at this age -- or at any age, actually. Girlhood was meant for better things.Still, we knew of many parents who censored violent and sex-oriented toys out of their children's possession who were still drowning in Toy Clutter. And somehow, I felt that Fisher Price and PlaySkool toys didn't help to create the kind of environment that I wanted our children to have. Were there further guidelines to use?The answer for me came in the form of an article in Plain magazine, a magazine put out by a variety of Christians with a tradition of simplicity -- Anabaptist, Amish, and the like. In an issue devoted to children, I came across a short but terribly good article called, "Toys really are Us." It was written by Sarah Martin, founder of the Natural Baby Company. "Children don't really need toys," she concludes, since things from the outdoors and from the home -- like pots -- make wonderful playthings for most children.However, she admits, "parents like to buy their children toys." This is true. So she makes an effort to find toys for her catalog that are made of natural materials -- wood, wool, cotton, toys that "resonate with the child's spirit." After all, children are alive, so it's only appropriate to give them toys made out of materials that are also alive. Plastic, that staple of children's toys, just isn't on the same level.Here was a new standard for judging toys -- why not simply limit toys whenever possible to wooden ones over plastic ones? Wooden toys cost more and are hard to find. Therefore, we can't buy as many of them as we can plastic toys. But the toys we do buy will be of greater quality, and since there will be fewer of them, there will be less threat of Toy Clutter. So we decided to pursue this strategy.So far, it's worked. Although Caleb hasn't reached his second birthday, I think I can say he has a reasonable amount of toys. But he does spend more time playing with pots and pans and cardboard boxes my husband brings home from work than with his wooden trucks. And he has a lot of good books, which he enjoys looking at. He's even stopped tearing pages (for the most part).I do have a tendency to pick up what I call "intelligent looking stuffed animals" at thrift store and garage sales. But I've deliberately limited myself to tiny ones. Large stuffed animals tend to be overwhelming in numbers, and collect dust. Small ones can be slipped in a pocket to come to Mass or on a trip to the store, and while easily lost, can be easily replaced. Caleb's favorite first birthday present was a tiny bear with jointed legs, intended as a Christmas ornament, given to him by an elderly lady in a nursing home. Small Bear came with us everywhere for quite a while before losing himself in a mysterious manner.But I wonder how our family will be able to stave off the Toy Menace. After all, we're just beginning, and Toy Clutter doesn't generally get underway until Kid Four or Five comes along (although I know some families our size are already snowed under the barrage of Toddler Toys).Last summer, I met a family who gave me hope. We had the wonderful opportunity to stay with a remarkable Catholic family with six children for a few days. I had the chance to view most of their house and gradually noticed that they had a sensible amount of toys. The young boys had built a block castle in the living room, and the girls' bedroom was dotted with doll homes build in convenient nooks. The older girl had her craft projects spread out on the porch, and the boy's bedroom had a magnificent showcase of Playmobil models -- but that was it. There were no Legos underfoot, no stuffed animals lying in the stairwells or boxes of trucks overflowing in the den. There were toys -- toys that were in constant use, from the look of things, but not in excess. I will also mention that the family had the largest collection of wonderful children's books I have ever seen.I remarked on this to the mother of the house, and she said, "It's been a lot of work on my part to keep it this way." Explaining her strategy, I found she and her husband had used the same strategies we planned to use, especially giving away toys that were unacceptable. "It's been hard, but I think it's worth it," she said. "Our children really play with the toys they have."So it can be done. It has been done. So my husband and I sail on in our idealism of Toy Reduction, with our dream of happy, uncluttered children enjoying their playtime, learning to be creative and innovative in their surroundings and to be generous with their possessions.:Update in 2004: The author continues to follow all of the above, and IT WORKS. Five children to date, and still our carpet isn't covered with layers of Barbie toys and Legos.

For ideas on teaching/entertaining toddlers that don't involve expensive educational toys (which often have long shelf lives), try visiting a Montessori classroom or visit Montessori N'Such or Montessori Services on the web.Maria Montessori, a Catholic educator, believed that children learn best when they "work" at play -- learning to do things that are useful as well as fun. For example, children learn how to pour by pouring beans from one small glass pitcher into another one (an exercise I recently introduced to Caleb, which engrossed him for an hour). Other activities include spooning walnuts from one basket to another with a spoon or a pair of pinchers; twisting thick strands of yarn into a braid; stacking boxes from largest to smallest and colored sticks from shortest to longest. While some of the Montessori classroom equipment is sophisticated, some of it can be made at home, and other "lessons" use materials most of us have in our homes already (such as beans, baskets, etc.). The Montessori method would be of interest to any parent planning on homeschooling, since it helps to lay groundwork for "school" learning.
Check out books in the library on the Montessori method, such as Basic Montessori by David Gettman and Teaching Montessori in the Home(Elizabeth G. Hainstock). Another good resource is the Montessori Catholic Council for more information about Montessori's Catholicity.A beautiful catalog of very basic and beautifully made toys can be found at www.novanatural.com. More like art than toys in some places!Hearthsong offers toys for older children and babies that are perennial favorites and hard to find in other places. I get lots of ideas from their catalog, although I seldom buy the toys. They sell a lot of craft kits, science tools, as well as old-fashioned balls, skipping ropes, and dollhouses. Call 1-800-325-2502 for a free catalog.Magic Cabin Dolls sells lovely, simple stuffed dolls as well as less-expensive kits that you can make yourself. They also sell dollmaking books, including Making Dolls by Reinckens, which has patterns for the lovely, simple Waldorf-style dolls sold by the Natural Baby Company. Call 1-888-623-6557 or write P. O. Box 1996, Peoria, IL 61656-3866.Another good book, long out of print, is The Doll Book, written by people espousing the Waldorf method of teaching toddlers. It has doll patterns, as well as suggestions and guidelines for toys for different ages of children. "It's a great book so long as you don't make it into a god," said the mother who recommended it to me.

copyright Regina Doman, 1999. This document is available for republishing only after the author's permission has been obtained. Click the top button for an email link to the author.

Free talk: No Matter What Happens, Blessed Be His Name

Thanks so much to those of you who've reached out to me on Joshua's anniversary. It means very much. The one thing that has helped me deal with my own grief more than anything else is helping those who are also grieving. In that spirit, I decided to post a very old version of the talk I gave about losing Joshua, "No Matter What Happens, Blessed Be His Name." I'm posting it I grouped it together with a few other grieving resources in a new category on my website: the handout of the blog post on 20 Things You Can Do For Those Who Grieve (made into a 4 page printable) and the story I wrote for my own children which Ben Hatke kindly illustrated, The Story of Job. I hope this will make it easier to find.
Relevant Radio will be interviewing me on these topics this coming Tuesday August 6 on their Morning Air show. I began posting this material because four people from my parish died this past month, including two who I counted as good friends, and we had friends who had friends who experienced other tragedies. Even in the midst of a summer full of blindingly bright sunshine and quiet days of children playing and reading books, our family has mourned, and joined with others in mourning. St. Paul's command is ever perennial: Weep with those who weep.
Let us pray for the souls of all those who have died this summer, and those who mourn for them. 

Lament for Joshua

One of the first family members to meet us at the hospital was my brother-in-law Michael Schmiedicke, who had the terrible but crucial job of finding my husband and telling him about the accident. Michael composed this poetic lament and read it at Joshua's wake:

Tragedy falls lightly on the young.  Our two year-olds, our four year-olds - in a few weeks they will barely even remember this day.  They are more disturbed by the tears they see on the faces of their parents than they are by death itself. Such is the blessedness of youth.

It is on the rest of us that this particular burden weighs most grievously, on those of us who have learned to count our years, those of us who know all too well the merest seeming insignificance that can break a life, take away in an irretrievable instant something we held dear; on those of us who are left behind to ask, why?

I do not doubt God's existence - I have seen too many things, too many miracles for that - but I wonder if there can really be a heaven, a place where the world is no longer stood upon its head in madness, a place where small boys, having escaped from here, are no longer subjected to the cruelties of crushing metal and lost moments.  It is just such times as these that would make men create such a place, a fable to shield their minds from the horror that has come upon them and give them some consolation where no more is to be had any longer.

But then I recall things that better men than I have written, men whose wisdom I would be rash not to trust, for not everything our intellect fails to define is foolish, nor are our hearts always wrong. "The grey rain-curtain turned all to silver glass and was rolled back, and he beheld white shores and beyond them a far green country under a swift sunrise."*

There is a way we should do things, even when we fail to, and there is a way stories should end, even when they don't, and there are things that are true, even when we cannot understand them, and we know this, even when we cannot grasp it, a need so deep that its answering fulfillment must be there too, like a hungry child, who without knowledge, or learning, knows that his mother's breast is there for him, and will not be denied.  So when I go, I will find heaven, even if I have to make it myself...and when I do, I will find Joshua there too.


*Quote from "The Grey Havens," The Lord of the Rings vol 3: The Return of the King

Deacon Richard's funeral homily for Joshua

Deacon Richard Demers baptized Joshua.  He also gave the homily at Joshua's funeral Mass.  Below is a copy of the homily.

Just as God did not lose Joshua when He gave him to you, so you did not lose him when he returned to God.  The yoke is not always easy, not to our limited perspective; the burden is sometimes more than we can bear.  At least, it's more than we think we can bear.  To be childlike in faith, the gospel tells us, is to have things revealed to us ... things that are hidden from the wise and the learned.  In this child's faith, Joshua's question:  "Can you run away from God?" is truly deep ... it's something we adults try to do every day of our lives.  "You can try.  But God can always find you, no matter where you go."  In childlike faith, these words of his father were true and not to be disputed ... to the wise and the learned of the world, they're a challenge to find where God is not.

As a parent, I, too, fear that greatest of all nightmares:  the death of one of my children.  This is the difficult part of the yoke since we have no control over the time when we, or our children, are called home.  We all know that in order to go to the Lord we must pass through that door, that threshold of life that is death.  For some of us, as we grow older, there is an almost eager anticipation, for others, there is a growing fear of the unknown.  For a child, death is a series of questions about what happens and how does it feel and when does it happen.  The suffering and death of Our Savior is something our children can understand, and they do get it.


I've experienced that look of horror on people's faces when I relate to them that we had taught our children the blessings that suffering brings, in particular the blessing that was the suffering, death and resurrection of Our Lord Jesus Christ.  That very Catholic teaching is not to be tolerated by the world through lack of understanding and yet that was the teaching that was received by Joshua from his favorite person ... his mother.  His faith accepted what he heard from her and he grew in strength and spirit until it was time to return to his Creator.  The burden of parenthood is a heavy one, indeed, but Our Lord stands ready to help us, in fact He comes to us on this altar through our priests to offer us His strength, His shoulders to share that burden and to ease the yoke that we put upon ourselves.  The burden of parenting ought to be easier than this.  Joshua's return to God is something that no one here was prepared for and yet, he has never been more happy than he is right now.  That knowledge brings us joy, but still there is that empty chair ...

I prayed to him last night ... this child that I had the honor of baptizing a little over a month after his birth ... that he might intercede with Our Lord and His Blessed Mother to give me the words that would help his family, especially his father and his mother, not just for today, but in the times to come.  There is memory in the past, but there is life in the future.  The future holds the promise of one day being reunited with Joshua.  All the family gatherings to come are out there and all the suffering, too.  All the things that are a part of our lives are hidden from our eyes today, but we go forward in faith.

In the sight of God, Joshua sees what we all long for ... what our souls want more than anything else ... what we cannot but dream of.  The "sword warrior" stands at the foot of the throne of heaven to seek the favor of God for his loved ones who are gathered here today.  For we are the ones who need prayer ... we are the ones who need strength ... we are the ones still on the journey that Joshua has completed.  St. Paul echoes the cry of Joshua, the "sword warrior":  "Therefore, put on the armor of God, that you may be able to resist on the evil day and, having done everything, to hold your ground.  So stand fast with your loins girded in truth, clothed with righteousness as a breastplate, and your feet shod in readiness for the gospel of peace.  In all circumstances, hold faith as a shield, to quench all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  And take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

Standing in the sight of God, I believe Joshua would also say:  "With all prayer and supplication, pray at every opportunity in the Spirit."

Memorial donations for Joshua

We had asked memorial donations in Joshua's name to be made to Save a Family Plan, SAFP.org. Since they still do excellent work in connecting third-world families in need with first-world families willing to help them, I'd like to share their information again. On 10/04/2006 we received the below letter and picture from Save a Family Plan.

Fr. Benedict Groeschel's words at Joshua's wake

In the midst of the tragedy of Joshua's death came a blessing: Fr. Benedict Groeschel, CFR, was passing through town, and came to Joshua Michael's wake.  He spoke briefly after Regina gave the eulogy, and we wish, we wish we had had a tape recorder so that we could always remember what he said.  He remains one of Regina's favorite speakers.  That he, who had survived a near-fatal car accident a few years ago, could be with us at the wake was a profound blessing to us.

We will try to reproduce below some of what he said.  Of course these are approximate quotes.  We were able to speak with him later and he said he had spoken without notes and had no copy of what he said.

Fr. Benedict said, "When these things happen, you ask why.  Why does God allow this kind of suffering?  Regina mentions Joshua's favorite movie was The Passion of the Christ.  In that movie, we see the Blessed Mother following her Son to Calvary.  And the entire time, Mary was asking Why?  Why does he have to suffer?  Why does he have to be scourged?  Why the crown of thorns?  Why the cross?  Stop it, please, please stop it.

"But God did not stop it.  He suffered, He died.  And that is his only answer to the question of why.

"Do not ask God 'Why?'  Ask Him 'What?'  What can I do? What can be done with my life, and what should I do to gain Heaven?  For Jesus also asked why, on the Cross! Therefore, if our Lord asked why, and was answered by death on the Cross, so must we suffer with the loss of earthly possession, our earthly body, and our earthly selfishness.

"God does not give us an answer to our question of why.  Padre Pio said we should not ask why.  We should ask 'What?  What does God want me to do now?'

"St. Thomas Aquinas said that the mystery of evil is why so many people believe in God.  And the mystery of evil is why so many people refuse to believe in God.  So you see the question cuts both ways."

Fr. Benedict went on to speak about Anne Lindbergh, wife of Charles Lindbergh, whose son was kidnapped and murdered.  And how the only comfort she found was in the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ.

He also spoke about his cousin whose young son was murdered by a prowler. She found her son's dead body when she came home at night from a PTA meeting. She met the young Fr. Benedict and his brothers on the steps and said, "I read in a book that if people could choose the crosses that they bear in this life, they would end up choosing the ones they were given. I never would have choosen this cross. But now that I have been given it, I will carry it."

In what was the most moving part of his remarks, Fr. Benedict said, "I am standing here today because of a series of modern miracles of medicine.  I should be dead.  And when I heard about Joshua's accident, I thought to myself, 'Why am I here and this strong little boy is not here?'  I think that, now, every time I hear of a parent dying, or a child dying.  Again, I ask why.  But that is not the question I can ask. What does God want me to do because I am here?'

"Regina and Andrew, in the coming days you will ask yourself why. But you must instead ask what. What does God want you to do? And that should keep both of you busy."

Marygrace's Dream about Joshua

My almost five-year-old son Joshua died on July 8, 2006. Ten days later, his older sister Marygrace, who was seven at the time, woke up in great excitement and ran downstairs to tell me a vivid dream that she had just had. Here's my approximation of Marygrace's words below.

Marygrace told me that she had a dream about Joshua last night.

She said she was asleep and Joshua came down from heaven with a little girl and he said, "Hi Marygrace! This is our little sister Ann!" (We had lost a baby to miscarriage before we had my daughter Joan.)

And then there were a whole bunch of other children there, about twenty. They all wanted to play with Marygrace and Joshua and Ann. They sat in a circle and they played Duck Duck Goose. "And it was so fun," Marygrace said, "because there were so many children. You had to run a lot."

Then, she said, they began to do exercises. The boys helped the boys do sit-ups and the girls helped the girls do sit-ups. "I had to have someone sit on my feet because I was the youngest," she said.

"Why were you doing sit-ups?" I asked.

"Because we were getting ready for a race, a very very long race. We had to do all sorts of exercises.

"We ran the race and it took a long long time. But then we won! We all won!

"And then we had a BIG party and everyone we know was there. Actually, everyone in the whole world was there. It was so much fun.

"And they had dress-up clothes and I wore a beautiful dress with a puff-out skirt, and I danced with a boy who was seven, who liked me. It was a beautiful dance."

I tried to imagine all of this. 

"Remember that dream," I told Marygrace.   "It's important.   Remember it."


By the way, soon after Marygrace told us this dream, we realized that the feast day of St. Ann is the same day as Joshua's birthday - July 26.