BikeSnobNYC's Blog, page 52
December 15, 2016
Sorry I'm not sorry I'm late! But I'm here now so everything's OK.
Before we go any further, let's pause for a moment and marvel at this blog's prescience. You may recall that on Monday I commented on how protective the Hell's Angels are of their tree:
Well, subsequently the NYPD conducted a raid on the Hell's Angels clubhouse and took that which is most dear to them.
No, not the bikes.
The trees:
Oh, and also their bench, but presumably that was merely collateral damage.
Wow, the NYPD's really getting them where it hurts, and during the holidays no less. They better not have fucked with the Hell's Angels Hanukkah Bush, man.
(Awww.)
I find Hanukkah to be imbued with pathos, because when it comes to getting kids excited Hanukkah can't hold a candle to Christmas. (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) Though they do get to play with fire, so there is that:
("Mommy, am I doing it right?')
Speaking of the holidays, every year I make it a point to hop on my bike and go holiday shopping, because there's just something festive about zipping around town with a backpack full of consumer goods. Indeed, this was the subject of one of my Brooks guest posts from last year:
You live for my Brooks guest posts, admit it.
Anyway, yesterday I headed on the bike and indulged my inner Santa Fred once again:
I'm pleased to report I knocked out pretty much my entire shopping list in one backpack load, which is another way of saying everyone's getting slightly mangled gifts this year. I'd also congratulate myself for both helping the local economy and not burning any fossil fuels, but the fact is that once I got home I ordered all the really large and expensive gifts on the Internet.
See, that's how cycling smugness works: as long as we're not igniting the gasoline ourselves it doesn't count.
Oh, and for maximum smugness, make sure to become really indignant when the company that delivers all that stuff you order for blocking the bike lane:
I was with him until I heard that freaking horn.
In any case, thanks to Kickstarter I've once again glimpsed the future, and it's clear that Bicycle Laser Tag is the holiday gift that's going to be on top of everyone's list next year:
Playing the game is simple. Chase behind and get in range of your opponents red receiver, then press your trigger button to shoot. When your opponents red receiver flashes and beeps it represents that your target has been acquired - a hit! When any player is hit ten times the red light will strobe and an audible alarm will sound, informing everyone that the player is out of the game. The player who out maneuvers their opponents and survives from being hit ten times, wins the game.
If nothing else this could completely revolutionize the sport of Cat 6 racing--as could the Lopifit:
So basically it utilizes a motor to provide you the exercise you would have gotten from simply walking without the machine.
This thing's going to be a huge hit.
Well, subsequently the NYPD conducted a raid on the Hell's Angels clubhouse and took that which is most dear to them.
No, not the bikes.
The trees:
Oh, and also their bench, but presumably that was merely collateral damage.
Wow, the NYPD's really getting them where it hurts, and during the holidays no less. They better not have fucked with the Hell's Angels Hanukkah Bush, man.
(Awww.)
I find Hanukkah to be imbued with pathos, because when it comes to getting kids excited Hanukkah can't hold a candle to Christmas. (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) Though they do get to play with fire, so there is that:
("Mommy, am I doing it right?')
Speaking of the holidays, every year I make it a point to hop on my bike and go holiday shopping, because there's just something festive about zipping around town with a backpack full of consumer goods. Indeed, this was the subject of one of my Brooks guest posts from last year:
You live for my Brooks guest posts, admit it.
Anyway, yesterday I headed on the bike and indulged my inner Santa Fred once again:
I'm pleased to report I knocked out pretty much my entire shopping list in one backpack load, which is another way of saying everyone's getting slightly mangled gifts this year. I'd also congratulate myself for both helping the local economy and not burning any fossil fuels, but the fact is that once I got home I ordered all the really large and expensive gifts on the Internet.
See, that's how cycling smugness works: as long as we're not igniting the gasoline ourselves it doesn't count.
Oh, and for maximum smugness, make sure to become really indignant when the company that delivers all that stuff you order for blocking the bike lane:
I was with him until I heard that freaking horn.
In any case, thanks to Kickstarter I've once again glimpsed the future, and it's clear that Bicycle Laser Tag is the holiday gift that's going to be on top of everyone's list next year:
Playing the game is simple. Chase behind and get in range of your opponents red receiver, then press your trigger button to shoot. When your opponents red receiver flashes and beeps it represents that your target has been acquired - a hit! When any player is hit ten times the red light will strobe and an audible alarm will sound, informing everyone that the player is out of the game. The player who out maneuvers their opponents and survives from being hit ten times, wins the game.
If nothing else this could completely revolutionize the sport of Cat 6 racing--as could the Lopifit:
So basically it utilizes a motor to provide you the exercise you would have gotten from simply walking without the machine.
This thing's going to be a huge hit.
December 14, 2016
This Just In: House Party at the Brooks Mansion!
Yes, it's been awhile, but once again I've graced the Brooks England blog with one of my exquisite artisanally-curated bicycling posts:
In it I embark upon an expedition, solve a historical mystery of great import, and ultimately am awarded the auspicious Explorers Club Medal, joining the ranks of such luminaries as Sir Edmund Hillary, Jane Goodall, and Buzz Aldrin.
Just kidding!
Basically I slog through some trash-strewn vacant lots in Yonkers to check out something of interest to me and perhaps four or five other people.
Nevertheless, I invite you to join me on my journey, and if you decline my invitation I invite you to eff off. Either way, I'll see you all back here tomorrow--or at least those of you who make it out alive. Those vacant lots can be pretty dangerous.
Fondly,
--Wildcat Rock Machine
In it I embark upon an expedition, solve a historical mystery of great import, and ultimately am awarded the auspicious Explorers Club Medal, joining the ranks of such luminaries as Sir Edmund Hillary, Jane Goodall, and Buzz Aldrin.
Just kidding!
Basically I slog through some trash-strewn vacant lots in Yonkers to check out something of interest to me and perhaps four or five other people.
Nevertheless, I invite you to join me on my journey, and if you decline my invitation I invite you to eff off. Either way, I'll see you all back here tomorrow--or at least those of you who make it out alive. Those vacant lots can be pretty dangerous.
Fondly,
--Wildcat Rock Machine
December 13, 2016
Chain of Fools
All these weeks I've been selfishly nudging you over to the right-hand margin of this blog to do your holiday shopping, but if I'm to be completely honest this season's best gift idea is clearly nanoparticle-infused laser lube:
Here's the deal:
Together Cycle Star and NC State have designed a new technology where lasers are used to form nano and micro carbon particles (microscopic ball bearings), which are claimed to reduce friction between metallic surfaces as they move across one another.
Yes, this lube has all the ingredients you need to appeal to the Fredly marketing demographic:
--Lasers? ✓
--The word "nano" in it? ✓
--Physical characteristics you can't verify with your own eyes but instead must take on faith? ✓
That last one is particularly brilliant, because while Freds don't know shit about science they do at least understand the concept of ball bearings, so imagine the speed and efficiency they can conjure up in their minds if they think their chain is now impregnated with them:
These carbon micro-particles are mixed into a lightweight synthetic oil and when applied to your chain Cycle Star says it will not only bond on a molecular level to the drivetrain's surface to fill in microscopic gaps, but will also create a "ball bearing effect between surfaces."
Oh, and it works on cars, so you know it's good:
It sounds gimmicky no doubt, but Cycle Star’s parent company, Star Nanotech, has applied its technology to automotive oil already. According to a study at NC State University, it resulted in enhanced fuel efficiencies of up to 35 percent in four, six and eight-cylinder gas and diesel cars and trucks.
Makes sense, because your bicycle's drivetrain is exactly like the motor of a six or eight-cylinder gas or diesel car or truck. That's why if you can service your bicycle you can also service your car engine. They're basically the same thing. Take my word for it: all you need to replace the timing belt in your Honda Accord from the comfort of your own driveway is a bicycle multitool and a copy of "Zinn and the Art of Road Bike Maintenance." Then when you're done be sure to fill the engine with Cycle Star nano-ball laser-tech bicycle chain lube. No problem! Though at $40 a bottle it will probably end up costing you what you would have paid the local garage:
This isn’t the first time nanoparticles have been applied to chain lubes, though this seems to be the most science-intensive application, which translates into the price at an eye-watering $40 for a 10oz/30ml bottle. That said, Cycle Star says that only a small amount of lube is needed — less than half a pipette's worth — to properly lube a chain.
Incredible. $40 for some lube--which has already been scientifically proven not to improve drivetrain efficiency. Eye-watering indeed. in fact, you might as well just apply that eye water to your chain for all the difference it will make.
And how much is "half a pipette's worth," anyway? Between tracking your mileage, monitoring your wattage, and journaling about #whatpressureyourunning cycling has become a bewildering process of data collection, and adding "pipette" as a unit of measurement may very well be the metric that broke the Fred's back. This is why I've always championed more straightforward methods of quantification. For example, you'll remember DFUs, or "Diminutive Frenchman Units:"
Similarly, when talking about liquid volumes, it helps to know that one (1) pipette's worth of a liquid equals the amount of pre-ejaculate secreted by Mario Cipollini when he swipes onto an appealing Tinder profile:
This is called a CPCU, or "Cipollini Pre-Cum Unit."
Then you've got a CFOEU, or "Cipollini Full-On Ejaculate Unit," which speaks for itself:
This is roughly equivalent in both size and consistency to a gallon of Benjamin Moore white semi-gloss:
Which is why the CFOEU has widely been adopted as a unit of measurement among contractors.
By the way, if constant Cipollini sexual references make you uncomfortable then maybe the problem is with you and your hangups, Mr. and Ms. Stuart Byham.
I hope couples therapy is working out for you.
Speaking of using your body to make stuff work, here's a video that asks whether or not you can power your house using a bicycle:
(SPOILER ALERT: OF COURSE NOT.)
What they don't tell you is that Adam totally could have powered that house if only he'd slathered his chain with Laser Lube.
As far as broader conclusions to draw from the video, it's pretty clear that in order to power our nation of wildly inefficient single-family ranch homes Donald Trump's gonna have to do some serious plundering.
(But don't worry, that's not going to happen. If it were then he'd be assembling a cabinet of generals and oil company executives.)
Lastly, via a reader, here's the 3,250 Euro furniture bike of your dreams:
This bicycle is designed from the basic idea that it should be like a piece of furniture. A comfortable piece that makes you happy every time you take it for a ride.
Seems to me that this bike should have been a recumbent, the most furniture-like of all the bicycles:
That's like a La-Z-Boy on wheels.
@bikesnobnyc will definitely be buying several bottles of this: https://t.co/6fhBwcYyb3— Jeff Hagen (@JHRacing07) December 13, 2016
Here's the deal:
Together Cycle Star and NC State have designed a new technology where lasers are used to form nano and micro carbon particles (microscopic ball bearings), which are claimed to reduce friction between metallic surfaces as they move across one another.
Yes, this lube has all the ingredients you need to appeal to the Fredly marketing demographic:
--Lasers? ✓
--The word "nano" in it? ✓
--Physical characteristics you can't verify with your own eyes but instead must take on faith? ✓
That last one is particularly brilliant, because while Freds don't know shit about science they do at least understand the concept of ball bearings, so imagine the speed and efficiency they can conjure up in their minds if they think their chain is now impregnated with them:
These carbon micro-particles are mixed into a lightweight synthetic oil and when applied to your chain Cycle Star says it will not only bond on a molecular level to the drivetrain's surface to fill in microscopic gaps, but will also create a "ball bearing effect between surfaces."
Oh, and it works on cars, so you know it's good:
It sounds gimmicky no doubt, but Cycle Star’s parent company, Star Nanotech, has applied its technology to automotive oil already. According to a study at NC State University, it resulted in enhanced fuel efficiencies of up to 35 percent in four, six and eight-cylinder gas and diesel cars and trucks.
Makes sense, because your bicycle's drivetrain is exactly like the motor of a six or eight-cylinder gas or diesel car or truck. That's why if you can service your bicycle you can also service your car engine. They're basically the same thing. Take my word for it: all you need to replace the timing belt in your Honda Accord from the comfort of your own driveway is a bicycle multitool and a copy of "Zinn and the Art of Road Bike Maintenance." Then when you're done be sure to fill the engine with Cycle Star nano-ball laser-tech bicycle chain lube. No problem! Though at $40 a bottle it will probably end up costing you what you would have paid the local garage:
This isn’t the first time nanoparticles have been applied to chain lubes, though this seems to be the most science-intensive application, which translates into the price at an eye-watering $40 for a 10oz/30ml bottle. That said, Cycle Star says that only a small amount of lube is needed — less than half a pipette's worth — to properly lube a chain.
Incredible. $40 for some lube--which has already been scientifically proven not to improve drivetrain efficiency. Eye-watering indeed. in fact, you might as well just apply that eye water to your chain for all the difference it will make.
And how much is "half a pipette's worth," anyway? Between tracking your mileage, monitoring your wattage, and journaling about #whatpressureyourunning cycling has become a bewildering process of data collection, and adding "pipette" as a unit of measurement may very well be the metric that broke the Fred's back. This is why I've always championed more straightforward methods of quantification. For example, you'll remember DFUs, or "Diminutive Frenchman Units:"
Similarly, when talking about liquid volumes, it helps to know that one (1) pipette's worth of a liquid equals the amount of pre-ejaculate secreted by Mario Cipollini when he swipes onto an appealing Tinder profile:
This is called a CPCU, or "Cipollini Pre-Cum Unit."
Then you've got a CFOEU, or "Cipollini Full-On Ejaculate Unit," which speaks for itself:
This is roughly equivalent in both size and consistency to a gallon of Benjamin Moore white semi-gloss:
Which is why the CFOEU has widely been adopted as a unit of measurement among contractors.
By the way, if constant Cipollini sexual references make you uncomfortable then maybe the problem is with you and your hangups, Mr. and Ms. Stuart Byham.
I hope couples therapy is working out for you.
Speaking of using your body to make stuff work, here's a video that asks whether or not you can power your house using a bicycle:
(SPOILER ALERT: OF COURSE NOT.)
What they don't tell you is that Adam totally could have powered that house if only he'd slathered his chain with Laser Lube.
As far as broader conclusions to draw from the video, it's pretty clear that in order to power our nation of wildly inefficient single-family ranch homes Donald Trump's gonna have to do some serious plundering.
(But don't worry, that's not going to happen. If it were then he'd be assembling a cabinet of generals and oil company executives.)
Lastly, via a reader, here's the 3,250 Euro furniture bike of your dreams:
This bicycle is designed from the basic idea that it should be like a piece of furniture. A comfortable piece that makes you happy every time you take it for a ride.
Seems to me that this bike should have been a recumbent, the most furniture-like of all the bicycles:
That's like a La-Z-Boy on wheels.
December 12, 2016
The more things stay the same, the more they don't change.
So have you built your custom Walz cap yet?
[image error]
Since tire pressure curation is more important than ever in these gravel-centric times, I've gone through my tire pressure journal and made a special proprietary cap for each of my bicycles with the appropriate PSI embroidered on it so I never forget:
Also, don't forget that a custom-embroidered Walz cap is a great holiday gift for your friend who thinks they're hot shit on Strava:
Remember: discount code WLZBSNYC16 is still good until this Wednesday, December 14th, so order now! Or at least before then! Exclamation points!!!
Also, according to the banner over there in the BSNYC Right-Hand Margin Shopping Mall they're offering another discount code good for items from their Velo/City collection.
So basically it's safe to say at this point that if you go to the Walz site and enter a bunch of random letters and numbers you'll probably get a nice discount on something.
In other news, it's always a shame when someone quits cycling:
Though, to be honest, anyone who calls it "biking" and spells pedaled as "peddled" is already a high flight risk:
I love biking. I bought my wife a bike and was happy when my two sons started biking. One peddled from San Francisco to Beaufort, North Carolina. The other biked in Philadelphia as part of his employment.
I certainly don't mean to make light of the infuriating tragedies that informed this person's decision, but I'm not sure how you reconcile telling people to "continue to work for bike-safe roads" while simultaneously announcing that you're quitting bikes:
We all respect and honor ghost bikes and memorial rides that follow the tragic deaths of fallen bikers around the world. But after Ashley, I’m siding with my parent’s common sense about Pee Wee Football and risk. I’ve hung my bike from the ceiling in my garage, to be ridden only on special occasions, out of respect for all the Ashleys, Rafes, Kentaros, Daniels, Neds, and the many others both in the past and are yet to come. Too many car drivers are using cell phones, alcohol, and drugs. Let us continue to work for bike-safe roads, but in the meantime, my bike hangs in the garage.
I'm also not sure this is the best way to honor the victims' memories. If I should meet my end at the texting hands and lead foot of a motorist, I don't want anybody hanging up their bike on account of me. Quite the opposite. I want a mass-salmoning up 5th Avenue with thousands of helmetless riders flouting the law and flipping off every driver they see. There's no way I could rest comfortably knowing people weren't riding because of me. If anything I want them to hold trackstanding competitions on my grave:
Anyway, the above op-ed came to my attention because someone wrote a letter to the editor about it which someone tweeted at me:
Here it is:
My thanks to Daniel deB. Richter for hanging up his bike (“Fearful of drivers, I’m off my bike,” Nov. 27 Point of View).
Perhaps those of us who endure packs of rude, self-absorbed, oblivious cyclists threatening traffic on roads not designed for bicycles will drive with a bit less fear. Many of the roads on which these cyclists ride have two lanes with double yellow lines, curves and hills.
Yes, the roads have been terrorized by weight-weenies on sub-18lb bicycles for far too long. Will Americans ever feel safe in their 5,000lb SUVs again? Hopefully President Trump can restore some semblance of sanity and order.
My wife is often reluctant to drive in our part of Raleigh on the weekends for fear of these posturing pelotons.
Yeah? Well your wife's an idiot and so are you.
My tax dollars help pay for biking trails suitable for Richter to indulge his passion for latex shorts and expensive bicycles while not endangering me or others who merely want to use the roads for the intended purpose of vehicular traffic.
Uh, latex shorts? Really? If your wife regularly finds herself among people in latex shorts during her weekend visits to Raleigh you two might want to have an honest discussion about your sex life.
By the way, if you do a search for Stuart Byham in Raleigh you find someone who over the years has been guilty of the following violations:
--STOP SIGN VIOLATION
--HANDICAPPED PARKING VIOLATION
--SPEEDING
--SPEEDING IN SCHOOL ZONE
--EXPIRED REGISTRATION CARD/TAG
--NO OPERATORS LICENSE
Now I have absolutely no idea whether or not this is the same Stuart Byham, and of course I'm not asserting that it is, but either way it's pretty safe to say the guy's a putz.
Speaking of interesting search results, you don't want to know what happens if you search for "passion for latex shorts"--or maybe you do, which is totally cool, I didn't mean to be judgmental. (And that goes for you too, Ms. Byham. I'm sure after that honest discussion you and your husband will be catheterizing each other in no time, and I wish you nothing but happiness.)
Anyway, if the Byhams are this frightened of run-of-the-mill Freds then there's no telling how horrified they'd be if they encountered an alleycat, and Stephane in Munich has informed me that L'Equipe is now documenting the phenomenon:
Each week, cyclists participate in clandestine competitions, called alleycats. Cities are their territory, the streets are their playground. In New York, Berlin or for the Cycle Messenger World Championships in Paris, we met world champions, recognized winners and experienced witnesses. Watch this film on the messenger culture, their history, their competitions and their claim for liberty.
The video opens with no less a personage than Lucas "Every seat I have is as sharp as a razor" Brunelle, and even when he's not the one speaking I'm leery of any pronouncement that begins, "In this society..."
"In this society, we're taught not to do so many of the things that we do in our film."
I think you're confusing being afraid to break the shackles of conformity with simple common sense. Is riding into traffic while wearing designer streetwear really striking a blow against society, or is it merely the sort of thing people with common sense don't bother doing?
Seems to me the bike advocacy smugerati types are doing much more to undermine "society" than the Lucas Brunelle movie extras, but watching someone pedal a bakfiets to the food co-op doesn't make for a very sexy video. (Unless you think Birkenstocks and bunions are sexy--and I'm talking to you, Ms. Byham.)
Though this rider is definitely striking a blow against society by wearing his helmet cocked way back on his head with Euro-style insouciance:
Seriously, if he pushes that helmet back any further he'll be wearing it around his neck.
Nevertheless, it was interesting to see the whole alleycat thing covered from a mainstream European media perspective. For example, apparently in Paris the number of bike messengers has increased over the past ten years from a dozen:
To hundreds:
Wait a minute.
[Cue record scratch sound.]
It's increasing? Don't they have email in France? Here in New York there used to be tons of messengers, but now I think there are like four actual messengers left and everyone else just wears fancy clothes and makes a weekly delivery for Uber to maintain some semblance of street cred.
Next we meet the competitors at the Cycle Messenger World Championships, and I'm pleased to report that America wins for most voluminous hair and beard:
I mean he's no Dogpaw, but then again who is?
Every time I watch the Dogpaw video I notice something new. For example, of course he locks his bike with handcuffs, because he's fucking Dogpaw:
In any case, while the USA totally has the best hair situation, Bern takes the prize for most resembling a villain from a Cold War action film:
Anyway, the video eventually makes its way to New York City and Monster Track, and in the end I concluded that France must be at least 10 years behind the cycling trends, which means I should totally move there and travel back in time to when my blog was still relevant.
It's also worth noting that, as irritating as it can be to watch riders blasting through intersections and buzzing pedestrians, even the worst outlaw cyclist is still more endearing than the Hells Angels:
I think it's cute how they have a tree:
"Nobody fucks with our tree, man!"
If a squirrel dreams about stealing an acorn off that tree it better wake up and apologize.
I mean they're no Satan's Helpers, but still:
Anyway, time to grab those latex bibs and head out for a ride.
[image error]
Since tire pressure curation is more important than ever in these gravel-centric times, I've gone through my tire pressure journal and made a special proprietary cap for each of my bicycles with the appropriate PSI embroidered on it so I never forget:
Also, don't forget that a custom-embroidered Walz cap is a great holiday gift for your friend who thinks they're hot shit on Strava:
Remember: discount code WLZBSNYC16 is still good until this Wednesday, December 14th, so order now! Or at least before then! Exclamation points!!!
Also, according to the banner over there in the BSNYC Right-Hand Margin Shopping Mall they're offering another discount code good for items from their Velo/City collection.
So basically it's safe to say at this point that if you go to the Walz site and enter a bunch of random letters and numbers you'll probably get a nice discount on something.
In other news, it's always a shame when someone quits cycling:
Though, to be honest, anyone who calls it "biking" and spells pedaled as "peddled" is already a high flight risk:
I love biking. I bought my wife a bike and was happy when my two sons started biking. One peddled from San Francisco to Beaufort, North Carolina. The other biked in Philadelphia as part of his employment.
I certainly don't mean to make light of the infuriating tragedies that informed this person's decision, but I'm not sure how you reconcile telling people to "continue to work for bike-safe roads" while simultaneously announcing that you're quitting bikes:
We all respect and honor ghost bikes and memorial rides that follow the tragic deaths of fallen bikers around the world. But after Ashley, I’m siding with my parent’s common sense about Pee Wee Football and risk. I’ve hung my bike from the ceiling in my garage, to be ridden only on special occasions, out of respect for all the Ashleys, Rafes, Kentaros, Daniels, Neds, and the many others both in the past and are yet to come. Too many car drivers are using cell phones, alcohol, and drugs. Let us continue to work for bike-safe roads, but in the meantime, my bike hangs in the garage.
I'm also not sure this is the best way to honor the victims' memories. If I should meet my end at the texting hands and lead foot of a motorist, I don't want anybody hanging up their bike on account of me. Quite the opposite. I want a mass-salmoning up 5th Avenue with thousands of helmetless riders flouting the law and flipping off every driver they see. There's no way I could rest comfortably knowing people weren't riding because of me. If anything I want them to hold trackstanding competitions on my grave:
Anyway, the above op-ed came to my attention because someone wrote a letter to the editor about it which someone tweeted at me:
@bikesnobnyc
"latex shorts" lolhttps://t.co/UkMNvVnlOR— Cycle Fun Montreal (@CycleFunMtl) December 11, 2016
Here it is:
My thanks to Daniel deB. Richter for hanging up his bike (“Fearful of drivers, I’m off my bike,” Nov. 27 Point of View).
Perhaps those of us who endure packs of rude, self-absorbed, oblivious cyclists threatening traffic on roads not designed for bicycles will drive with a bit less fear. Many of the roads on which these cyclists ride have two lanes with double yellow lines, curves and hills.
Yes, the roads have been terrorized by weight-weenies on sub-18lb bicycles for far too long. Will Americans ever feel safe in their 5,000lb SUVs again? Hopefully President Trump can restore some semblance of sanity and order.
My wife is often reluctant to drive in our part of Raleigh on the weekends for fear of these posturing pelotons.
Yeah? Well your wife's an idiot and so are you.
My tax dollars help pay for biking trails suitable for Richter to indulge his passion for latex shorts and expensive bicycles while not endangering me or others who merely want to use the roads for the intended purpose of vehicular traffic.
Uh, latex shorts? Really? If your wife regularly finds herself among people in latex shorts during her weekend visits to Raleigh you two might want to have an honest discussion about your sex life.
By the way, if you do a search for Stuart Byham in Raleigh you find someone who over the years has been guilty of the following violations:
--STOP SIGN VIOLATION
--HANDICAPPED PARKING VIOLATION
--SPEEDING
--SPEEDING IN SCHOOL ZONE
--EXPIRED REGISTRATION CARD/TAG
--NO OPERATORS LICENSE
Now I have absolutely no idea whether or not this is the same Stuart Byham, and of course I'm not asserting that it is, but either way it's pretty safe to say the guy's a putz.
Speaking of interesting search results, you don't want to know what happens if you search for "passion for latex shorts"--or maybe you do, which is totally cool, I didn't mean to be judgmental. (And that goes for you too, Ms. Byham. I'm sure after that honest discussion you and your husband will be catheterizing each other in no time, and I wish you nothing but happiness.)
Anyway, if the Byhams are this frightened of run-of-the-mill Freds then there's no telling how horrified they'd be if they encountered an alleycat, and Stephane in Munich has informed me that L'Equipe is now documenting the phenomenon:
Each week, cyclists participate in clandestine competitions, called alleycats. Cities are their territory, the streets are their playground. In New York, Berlin or for the Cycle Messenger World Championships in Paris, we met world champions, recognized winners and experienced witnesses. Watch this film on the messenger culture, their history, their competitions and their claim for liberty.
The video opens with no less a personage than Lucas "Every seat I have is as sharp as a razor" Brunelle, and even when he's not the one speaking I'm leery of any pronouncement that begins, "In this society..."
"In this society, we're taught not to do so many of the things that we do in our film."
I think you're confusing being afraid to break the shackles of conformity with simple common sense. Is riding into traffic while wearing designer streetwear really striking a blow against society, or is it merely the sort of thing people with common sense don't bother doing?
Seems to me the bike advocacy smugerati types are doing much more to undermine "society" than the Lucas Brunelle movie extras, but watching someone pedal a bakfiets to the food co-op doesn't make for a very sexy video. (Unless you think Birkenstocks and bunions are sexy--and I'm talking to you, Ms. Byham.)
Though this rider is definitely striking a blow against society by wearing his helmet cocked way back on his head with Euro-style insouciance:
Seriously, if he pushes that helmet back any further he'll be wearing it around his neck.
Nevertheless, it was interesting to see the whole alleycat thing covered from a mainstream European media perspective. For example, apparently in Paris the number of bike messengers has increased over the past ten years from a dozen:
To hundreds:
Wait a minute.
[Cue record scratch sound.]
It's increasing? Don't they have email in France? Here in New York there used to be tons of messengers, but now I think there are like four actual messengers left and everyone else just wears fancy clothes and makes a weekly delivery for Uber to maintain some semblance of street cred.
Next we meet the competitors at the Cycle Messenger World Championships, and I'm pleased to report that America wins for most voluminous hair and beard:
I mean he's no Dogpaw, but then again who is?
Every time I watch the Dogpaw video I notice something new. For example, of course he locks his bike with handcuffs, because he's fucking Dogpaw:
In any case, while the USA totally has the best hair situation, Bern takes the prize for most resembling a villain from a Cold War action film:
Anyway, the video eventually makes its way to New York City and Monster Track, and in the end I concluded that France must be at least 10 years behind the cycling trends, which means I should totally move there and travel back in time to when my blog was still relevant.
It's also worth noting that, as irritating as it can be to watch riders blasting through intersections and buzzing pedestrians, even the worst outlaw cyclist is still more endearing than the Hells Angels:
I think it's cute how they have a tree:
"Nobody fucks with our tree, man!"
If a squirrel dreams about stealing an acorn off that tree it better wake up and apologize.
I mean they're no Satan's Helpers, but still:
Anyway, time to grab those latex bibs and head out for a ride.
December 9, 2016
BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz! (Wait, sorry, that's a mistake, there's no quiz.)
Well, it's been two days of serious bicycle-cycling here at Bike Snob NYC headquarters. "Epic" isn't even the word; indeed, "epochal" only begins to cover it. It all started yesterday, when I used the WorkCycles to attack a serious kitty litter run:
That's 16lbs of cat piss-absorbing power you're looking at right there, and the WorkCycles itself probably weighs a good 50lbs. Now keep in mind that, according to a popular Internet mapping application, it's a solid 125 feet of climbing from the Petco to my home. So you can only imagine the massive amount of power I'm now capable of producing.
(I also had a dozen eggs, some chicken thighs, and a six-pack of beer strapped into the baby seat, but who's counting?)
Then this morning I grabbed my other grey and orange bicycle and headed up to the mall-adjacent singletrack that laid me low just a few Fridays ago:
I crossed the New York City line into Westchester early this morning:
And I returned to New York City via a different border crossing a few hours later:
In addition to a tire pressure journal I also keep a detailed log of the time I spend outside the city limits, because I'm hoping if I spend enough time riding in Westchester I can claim residency and stop paying New York City income tax.
It's hard to imagine how I could possibly top all this two-wheeled excitement over the weekend, so I probably won't bother trying and instead get to work on that six-pack.
Speaking of excitement, here's the kind you don't want to experience:
So now we can engage in armchair commentary and pass judgment based on a few seconds of film, because that's what cycling and the Internet are all about.
Okay, "Aaand that's why we wear a helmet," really? Firstly, I object to the wording, because it implies they all share one helmet--which would be awesome, but which is clearly not the case based on the video. Secondly, the lead rider went pretty wide before diving into that turn, and while using the whole road makes sense on a closed course it's a bit of a gamble on a public roadway when you don't have a clear line of sight. (And when you've got other riders on your wheel.) I mean sure, the driver totally cut that turn like drivers do, but I'm not sure the riders should be congratulating themselves for their prudence here.
And that's what you call a "hot take."
While we're on the subject of how shallow and judgmental I am, a reader left the following comment yesterday:
Jeptha Johnson said...
You have talked about this guy in the past somewhat dismissively but a lot of his points seem similar to your own. Just wondering what you think now that he has been given a feature in Bicycling magazine
Thanks
"This guy" is a certain "Mr. Money Mustache," and here's the aforementioned Bicycling feature:
Personal-finance blogger Pete Adeney, aka Mr. Money Mustache, retired at age 30—in part by investing money he saved by riding his bike. He explains how embracing frugality (yes, even at the bike shop) can lead to happiness.
And yes, the guy makes a lotta sense:
You’ve said that no one besides Tour de France riders needs a bike that costs more than $1,000.
For people who haven’t bought their freedom yet, it seems odd to prioritize moving further up the toy ladder. I mean, if you look on Craigslist you can get a kickass mountain bike for under a grand. I think the key is to separate being a bike athlete from being a bike snob. I have a lot of respect for people who become great mountain bikers by getting out there and building the muscle and the skills. The amount they spend on their bike does not increase that respect; in fact I think I’m more impressed by someone who uses a non-fancy bike and is still a badass rider.
Expensive bikes are so common, though. When I go to Hall Ranch, my local trailhead, every single bike is a multi-thousand-dollar one except mine. I feel sorry for these dudes, making payments on their SUV with high-end roof racks, their car, their house, maybe even the bike. And the bikes barely make any difference in your riding—I’ve ridden a $10,000 demo bike and I felt like I could climb technical stuff slightly better, but most of that was just because it had 29-inch wheels.
He's also got an excellent post about bikes on his own site.
Anyway, to address the reader's comment, it occurred to me that the reason I was dismissive was that I had read about him in the New Yorker, a lens through which pretty much everything becomes pretentious and off-putting, so my view of him was thusly prejudiced. And indeed, it turned out I was even more right than I realized, because Mr. Mustache himself has since annotated the article and it turns out the New Yorker writer is full of shit:
Or maybe they're both full of shit, but I'm inclined to believe Mr. Mustache since the New Yorker writer, Nick Paumgarten, is demonstrably a bit of a putz, as evidenced by his "think piece" on the 25mph speed limit.
So there you go.
Lastly, here's a brief history of Fred helmets to 1995:
After that, the sport basically just imploded.
That's 16lbs of cat piss-absorbing power you're looking at right there, and the WorkCycles itself probably weighs a good 50lbs. Now keep in mind that, according to a popular Internet mapping application, it's a solid 125 feet of climbing from the Petco to my home. So you can only imagine the massive amount of power I'm now capable of producing.
(I also had a dozen eggs, some chicken thighs, and a six-pack of beer strapped into the baby seat, but who's counting?)
Then this morning I grabbed my other grey and orange bicycle and headed up to the mall-adjacent singletrack that laid me low just a few Fridays ago:
I crossed the New York City line into Westchester early this morning:
And I returned to New York City via a different border crossing a few hours later:
In addition to a tire pressure journal I also keep a detailed log of the time I spend outside the city limits, because I'm hoping if I spend enough time riding in Westchester I can claim residency and stop paying New York City income tax.
It's hard to imagine how I could possibly top all this two-wheeled excitement over the weekend, so I probably won't bother trying and instead get to work on that six-pack.
Speaking of excitement, here's the kind you don't want to experience:
Aaand that's why we wear a helmet.First things first, apparently everybody's okay, so thank Lob for that.
(via Ethan Fann) pic.twitter.com/68GjRQkIYA— CyclingHub (@CyclingHubTV) December 8, 2016
So now we can engage in armchair commentary and pass judgment based on a few seconds of film, because that's what cycling and the Internet are all about.
Okay, "Aaand that's why we wear a helmet," really? Firstly, I object to the wording, because it implies they all share one helmet--which would be awesome, but which is clearly not the case based on the video. Secondly, the lead rider went pretty wide before diving into that turn, and while using the whole road makes sense on a closed course it's a bit of a gamble on a public roadway when you don't have a clear line of sight. (And when you've got other riders on your wheel.) I mean sure, the driver totally cut that turn like drivers do, but I'm not sure the riders should be congratulating themselves for their prudence here.
And that's what you call a "hot take."
While we're on the subject of how shallow and judgmental I am, a reader left the following comment yesterday:
Jeptha Johnson said...
You have talked about this guy in the past somewhat dismissively but a lot of his points seem similar to your own. Just wondering what you think now that he has been given a feature in Bicycling magazine
Thanks
"This guy" is a certain "Mr. Money Mustache," and here's the aforementioned Bicycling feature:
Personal-finance blogger Pete Adeney, aka Mr. Money Mustache, retired at age 30—in part by investing money he saved by riding his bike. He explains how embracing frugality (yes, even at the bike shop) can lead to happiness.
And yes, the guy makes a lotta sense:
You’ve said that no one besides Tour de France riders needs a bike that costs more than $1,000.
For people who haven’t bought their freedom yet, it seems odd to prioritize moving further up the toy ladder. I mean, if you look on Craigslist you can get a kickass mountain bike for under a grand. I think the key is to separate being a bike athlete from being a bike snob. I have a lot of respect for people who become great mountain bikers by getting out there and building the muscle and the skills. The amount they spend on their bike does not increase that respect; in fact I think I’m more impressed by someone who uses a non-fancy bike and is still a badass rider.
Expensive bikes are so common, though. When I go to Hall Ranch, my local trailhead, every single bike is a multi-thousand-dollar one except mine. I feel sorry for these dudes, making payments on their SUV with high-end roof racks, their car, their house, maybe even the bike. And the bikes barely make any difference in your riding—I’ve ridden a $10,000 demo bike and I felt like I could climb technical stuff slightly better, but most of that was just because it had 29-inch wheels.
He's also got an excellent post about bikes on his own site.
Anyway, to address the reader's comment, it occurred to me that the reason I was dismissive was that I had read about him in the New Yorker, a lens through which pretty much everything becomes pretentious and off-putting, so my view of him was thusly prejudiced. And indeed, it turned out I was even more right than I realized, because Mr. Mustache himself has since annotated the article and it turns out the New Yorker writer is full of shit:
Or maybe they're both full of shit, but I'm inclined to believe Mr. Mustache since the New Yorker writer, Nick Paumgarten, is demonstrably a bit of a putz, as evidenced by his "think piece" on the 25mph speed limit.
So there you go.
Lastly, here's a brief history of Fred helmets to 1995:
After that, the sport basically just imploded.
December 8, 2016
Put a Lid On It
Subsequent to the unveiling of the last BSNYC cap--which still seems to be available despite being a "Limited Edition," go figure:
Some people expressed an aversion to black and made comments along the lines of "I'd buy one if only it were [insert color here]."
Well, guess what? Now you can transform your every aesthetic whim into reality with just a few mouse clicks, thanks to Walz's Build-a-Cap custom headwear curation system!
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Yep, just visit the Build-a-Cap page, choose your colors and embroidery, and they'll stitch you up the cap of your dreams!
Sure, you can't put my logo on it, but if anything that's a selling point.
I even took Build-a-Cap for a little spin myself, and I'm pleased to announce it handles like a dream:
What's that you say? It's not enough that you can design your own cap? You want a discount too? Fine, here's a discount code, you're welcome:
That's good through Wednesday, December 14th, so get on it.
In other news, a cyclist in (where else?) New South Wales, Australia was fined $750 for taking part in a parade on a bicycle without wearing a helmet:
A Blackheath cyclist has been hit with a $750 fine for “reckless” riding and not wearing a helmet in the annual Blackheath rhododendron street parade.
Robin Martin has participated in the past six festivals and usually joins in at the last minute “as the festival goes right past my house”.
But this year police introduced stricter measures around the parade, including pre-registering, something which has left some Blackheathens concerned over “heavy handedness”.
Yes, it would appear that this the organizers of the Blackheath Rhododendron Festival managed to find that sweet spot where helmet hysteria meets terrorist paranoia, with a little "Won't somebody think of the children!" thrown in for good measure:
Police say the charges were laid because “any person riding a motor cycle or a bicycle without wearing an approved helmet sets a poor example to other road users including children and are committing an offence”.
And Blackheath Rhododendron Festival Committee president Elizabeth Giddey, who took the reins of the committee this year, said she could understand the police concerns.
“Our aim was to have a safe and happy day and parade … we could be sitting ducks [for terrorist attacks].”
Okay, what does the helmet ticket have to do with terrorism? Are they concerned that the helmetless cyclist could have been injured in the event of a terrorist attack due to his flagrant lack of head protection? Or are they concerned that he could in fact be a terrorist? Because even if ISIS were hellbent on unleashing their fury on the fucking Blackheath Rhododendron Festival for some reason, I'm not sure if this is quite their modus operandi:
She said police were concerned Mr Martin was “riding up the side of people … where the vintage cars were ... without a helmet and with his hands off the handlebar”.
Ms Giddey said the committee was yet to come to an official position over the fine, but if people had a problem with the new protective measures they “should take it up with the police … or write to the people in ISIS.”
Hopefully people take Ms. Giddey up on that, and here's a template I've prepared if you'd like to do so:
Dear ISIS,
I am writing to request that you refrain from attacking the Blackheath Rhododendron Festival so that I may ride safely without a helmet.
Yours etc.,
Nonplussed in NSW
Though on second thought Ms. Giddey's suggestion is rather irresponsible, because what happens when ISIS opens the letter and says, "What's this Rhododendron Festival? Sounds interesting. We should look into blowing it up!"
As for the cyclist, he's nailed his Disputation on the Power of Indulgences to the door at the local hardware store:
Mr Martin, 65, has started a petition protesting the incident, which is at the Blackheath Mitre 10 hardware store.
“I decided on the spur of the moment to put on a silly wig and overalls and join in. My fingers never left the [brake] levers. People lining the street seemed to enjoy my contribution, many holding out their hands to slap as I passed. It honestly didn’t occur to me that a helmet was necessary because the normal road rules were suspended.”
But police said “at the relevant time, all road users were subject to the road rules as they were driving/riding on a public road”.
Though he might be better off seeking a pardon from the newly-crowned Princess Blackheath:
I hope that crown meets Australian safety standards.
Anyway, if his goal really were to terrorize the Rhododendron Festival parade, he's have been much better off riding the Rammstein collabo-bike of your dreams and/or nightmares, which a reader recently forwarded me:
Rammstein's music addresses "controversial and taboo subjects such as sadomasochism, homosexuality, intersexuality, incest, pedophilia, necrophilia, cannibalism, pyromania, religion and sexual violence," and their bike is compatible with both fenders and pannier racks:
Mudguards: mudguard mounting possible
Carrier: front pannier rack mounting possible
So there you go.
Lastly, speaking of uncomfortable subject matter, Bicycling wants to talk about that itchy ass of yours:
Itchy butt is a real thing. Here's how to deal: https://t.co/O5lCKtRGXE pic.twitter.com/IUxZS3vLAl— Bicycling Magazine (@BicyclingMag) December 8, 2016If you're an adult you probably should have learned how to take care of your own ass and crotch by now, but if for some reason you haven't I'd suggest reading parenting magazines, because chamois maintenance is pretty much exactly the same as diaper protocol. Indeed, Freds are basically just diapered adults, and clearly the reason they're so cranky all the time is like half of them are suffering from diaper rash, and the other half have jock itch. Yet instead of using Clotrimazole to treat their fungus-ridden crotches, they use boutique chamois creams with the same ingredients as their fucking brunch:
Atlas Cedar – a mild astringent reputedly good for relieving stress and tension.
Lavender – a natural antiseptic and anti-inflammatory used to help ease aches and pains.
Pine needle – reputed to ease rheumatism and respiratory complaints.
Rosemary – characteristic Mediterranean aroma and general tonic to stimulate the senses.
Juniper Berry – a centuries-old boost the immune system.
Lemon – refreshing citrus is naturally anti-bacterial.
Cypress – aromatic conifer rumoured to have anti-rheumatic properties.
Patchouli – anti-inflammatory often used to treat skin conditions.
Sounds delish. Might as well stick a freaking salad down your shorts.
No wonder they've got problems.
December 7, 2016
Are we all here? Good. Now let's begin.
Well, you'll be pleased to know I managed to squeeze in another rainy ride this morning, and here's yet another entry for my new coffee table book, "Scenic Pee Spots of the Lower Hudson Valley:"
It's a work in progress.
By the way, can you spot all the holiday gift ideas in the above photo?
--EH Works tool roll: ✓
--Brooks Cambium: ✓
--Milwaukee metal-tubed bicycle frame: ✓
(Yeah, sure, buy yourself a new bike frame, you deserve it.)
And don't forget that as I took that picture I was wearing a Walz cap and was jacked up on Bike Snob coffee, hence the pee break.
Yes, your life could also be this glamorous! Just imagine urinating publicly in Yonkers whilst bedecked in the finest artisanal cycling accoutrements. All you need to do is head on over to the BSNYC Margin Mall and exercise your shopping finger.
Then again, I suppose all those items are all fairly traditional, so if you're in the market for something a bit more cutting-edge you might want to head over to Kickstarter instead. For example, now's the time to get in on the ground floor with Kwiggle® the world's most compact folding bike:
Though before you do, you should know that the Kwiggle®Meister is a supervillain who is going to take over the world:
You've been warned.
Anyway, I'm not sure whether or not this is indeed the world's most compact folding bike as it purports to be, but I do know that "Riding the Kwiggle®" is officially the most sexually suggestive non-sexual phrase of 2016--which makes this phrase positively salacious:
"People who try Kwiggle® always say they like the relaxing ride."
I bet they do.
But what makes the Kwiggle® truly special is that you stand bolt upright while riding it:
Yes, you've got to be fully erect to ride the Kwiggle® or else it won't work.
Anyway, lest you think the Kwiggle® is only for those who live in an urban environment, this Kwiggle® Fred proves that its equally at home in town:
And country:
Plus, you can even hit Kwiggle® Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed on it, which is somewhere around 30kph:
So if you've ever longed to marry the convenience of a Brompton with the pushing-a-shopping-cart riding position of a Segway then the Kwiggle® may be the bike-like contraption for you.
Of course, as more and more cities adopt bike share there could be less and less need for gadgets like the Kwiggle®, though some of these towns could really stand to work harder on their marketing campaigns:
Seriously, it seems like Los Angeles should have way cooler bike share videos. You've got to figure there are at least five or ten aspiring filmmakers at any given coffee shop who would have been willing to take a swing at this for free. (Not to mention some aspiring actors who actually know how to balance a bicycle.) And what the hell is up with their crazy train PSAs?!?
Okay, so the cop or security agent or whatever he is frightens this kid off with a series of aggressive hand gestures that could easily be construed as assault:
The kid then hits some debris on the platform because the agency has been criminally negligent:
And finally he goes flying into a train and gets his leg cut off:
He may be off the board for awhile but he's going to win millions from that lawsuit.
But hey, what do I know? I'm used to our anti-preening PSAs:
Thanks to these, now whenever my kid sees someone on the train applying lipstick he says to me in a stage whisper, "SHE SHOULDN'T BE DOING THAT!"
"Yeah? And I shouldn't be doing this, either," I reply as I crack open a can of beer cunningly concealed in a paper bag.
By the way, the person on the left appears to be doing some manscaping:
Hey, we've all been there.
Lastly, you'll be dismayed to learn that the fixie-bro film genre refuses to die, as evidenced in this promotional video for the holiday season from Chrome, the Affliction Clothing of messenger bag companies:
The Holidays are a time for reflection. To come together with those who mean most and look back on the all the good times we’ve shared. This year we brought together members of our Familia, decked them out in our Night Series gear and set them loose on the streets of NYC.
They did indeed. My favorite is when this doofus speeds into an intersection:
Cuts this pedestrian the fuck off in the crosswalk:
And then does his very best to hit a taxi cab:
Brilliant.
Take that, society!
But you know, the ugly-ass Chrome shoes do have tiny reflective details (the "reflection" in the video description, how clever) so it's all okay:
Yes, minimal visibility is what you need when you're doing that salmon-to-whip-skid in the bike lane:
You also work up quite an appetite, which is why after inconveniencing pedestrians while modeling clothes these bros are totally gonna destroy some night-brunch:
Thank you, San Francisco, for always exporting the very finest aspects of your culture to our city.
It's a work in progress.
By the way, can you spot all the holiday gift ideas in the above photo?
--EH Works tool roll: ✓
--Brooks Cambium: ✓
--Milwaukee metal-tubed bicycle frame: ✓
(Yeah, sure, buy yourself a new bike frame, you deserve it.)
And don't forget that as I took that picture I was wearing a Walz cap and was jacked up on Bike Snob coffee, hence the pee break.
Yes, your life could also be this glamorous! Just imagine urinating publicly in Yonkers whilst bedecked in the finest artisanal cycling accoutrements. All you need to do is head on over to the BSNYC Margin Mall and exercise your shopping finger.
Then again, I suppose all those items are all fairly traditional, so if you're in the market for something a bit more cutting-edge you might want to head over to Kickstarter instead. For example, now's the time to get in on the ground floor with Kwiggle® the world's most compact folding bike:
Though before you do, you should know that the Kwiggle®Meister is a supervillain who is going to take over the world:
You've been warned.Anyway, I'm not sure whether or not this is indeed the world's most compact folding bike as it purports to be, but I do know that "Riding the Kwiggle®" is officially the most sexually suggestive non-sexual phrase of 2016--which makes this phrase positively salacious:
"People who try Kwiggle® always say they like the relaxing ride."
I bet they do.
But what makes the Kwiggle® truly special is that you stand bolt upright while riding it:
Yes, you've got to be fully erect to ride the Kwiggle® or else it won't work.
Anyway, lest you think the Kwiggle® is only for those who live in an urban environment, this Kwiggle® Fred proves that its equally at home in town:
And country:
Plus, you can even hit Kwiggle® Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed on it, which is somewhere around 30kph:
So if you've ever longed to marry the convenience of a Brompton with the pushing-a-shopping-cart riding position of a Segway then the Kwiggle® may be the bike-like contraption for you.
Of course, as more and more cities adopt bike share there could be less and less need for gadgets like the Kwiggle®, though some of these towns could really stand to work harder on their marketing campaigns:
Seriously, it seems like Los Angeles should have way cooler bike share videos. You've got to figure there are at least five or ten aspiring filmmakers at any given coffee shop who would have been willing to take a swing at this for free. (Not to mention some aspiring actors who actually know how to balance a bicycle.) And what the hell is up with their crazy train PSAs?!?
Okay, so the cop or security agent or whatever he is frightens this kid off with a series of aggressive hand gestures that could easily be construed as assault:
The kid then hits some debris on the platform because the agency has been criminally negligent:
And finally he goes flying into a train and gets his leg cut off:
He may be off the board for awhile but he's going to win millions from that lawsuit.
But hey, what do I know? I'm used to our anti-preening PSAs:
Thanks to these, now whenever my kid sees someone on the train applying lipstick he says to me in a stage whisper, "SHE SHOULDN'T BE DOING THAT!"
"Yeah? And I shouldn't be doing this, either," I reply as I crack open a can of beer cunningly concealed in a paper bag.
By the way, the person on the left appears to be doing some manscaping:
Hey, we've all been there.
Lastly, you'll be dismayed to learn that the fixie-bro film genre refuses to die, as evidenced in this promotional video for the holiday season from Chrome, the Affliction Clothing of messenger bag companies:
The Holidays are a time for reflection. To come together with those who mean most and look back on the all the good times we’ve shared. This year we brought together members of our Familia, decked them out in our Night Series gear and set them loose on the streets of NYC.
They did indeed. My favorite is when this doofus speeds into an intersection:
Cuts this pedestrian the fuck off in the crosswalk:
And then does his very best to hit a taxi cab:
Brilliant.
Take that, society!
But you know, the ugly-ass Chrome shoes do have tiny reflective details (the "reflection" in the video description, how clever) so it's all okay:
Yes, minimal visibility is what you need when you're doing that salmon-to-whip-skid in the bike lane:
You also work up quite an appetite, which is why after inconveniencing pedestrians while modeling clothes these bros are totally gonna destroy some night-brunch:
Thank you, San Francisco, for always exporting the very finest aspects of your culture to our city.
December 6, 2016
This post features a custom consonant-and-vowel layup for optimal lateral stiffness and vertical compliance.
Crassmas is coming, which means it's time for those tree-portaging tips!
Though I spat egg nog all over my Christmas sweater when I learned this story was written by a Jew:
In the interest of full disclosure and to explain the occasional Yiddish peppered throughout this article, Geffen Semach is Jewish and as such has never purchased a Christmas tree, and/or biked around with one. She does, however, love to cart other large and oddly-shaped items around by bike and thoroughly enjoyed writing this article.
What, she never heard of a Hanukkah Bush?
Still, I dunno, taking Christmas tree-hauling tips from a Jewish person seems like taking gravel-grinding advice from a triathlete, and I'm not taking any chances until the experts at Bicycling weigh in on the subject:
I'm sure they'd recommend starting with a small potted plant in July and then slowly working your way up to that Christmas tree, but only after hiring a coach and following a custom-tailored training plan. Also, the story would be adjacent to a full-page Nissan Titan ad:
Don't worry, the Titan also looks great fitted with a car Menorah:
Gotta love the holidays.
I don't know which makes me sadder: car menorahs, or people who drive around with red noses and deer antlers on their SUVs:
Something about it all evokes fake wood paneling and tears.
Speaking of portaging, here's a Kickstarter for a new upside-down roof rack:
Basically the idea is you can fold it up, carry it around with you, and then grub a ride home from the cyclocross race or whatever without kicking in any gas money (you know who you are), which seems like a decent-enough idea. However, anyone who's read enough Lennard Zinn knows that bike dorks have an irrational fear of storing their bicycles upside-down, hence this exquisitely neurotic FAQ:
Yes, everybody knows disc brake-equipped bicycles can only be operated safely on level surfaces, which is why you should always bleed the system if your ride takes you up any climbs steeper than 4%.
And what about your wheel bearings?
Sorry, this is completely untrue. Everybody knows that if your wheels are allowed to spin freely while on top of a motor vehicle for a few hours this can overhead and distort your hub shells resulting in catastrophic failure.
I mean, come on, who wrote these FAQs?!? These are the same sorts of irresponsible people who store their bicycles incorrectly. If you're one of them, make sure you always adhere to the following rules:
--NEVER hang your bicycle by the wheels, this causes reverse stress on the spokes and can result in catastrophic failure.
--If storing your bicycle for more than 24 hours, ALWAYS rotate your wheels at least once every 24 hours to prevent bearing seizure and tire flat spots.
--ALWAYS deflate and re-inflate your tires at least once every 7 days. Old air molecules can cause tire and tube degeneration and dry rot.
--Only store your bicycle with the derailleurs in the small/small combo. This reduces pressure on the derailleur springs. Storing your bicycle in the wrong gear can weaken the springs and degrade shifting performance.
--Be sure to turn your handlebars every few days to prevent headset bearing seizure and indexed steering.
--Brake pads can harden from exposure to air if not used frequently. To protect them you should rubber-band your brake levers to your handlebars to maintain constant contact between pad surface and braking surface while your bike is not in use.
--If the bicycle remains unridden for more than six weeks then remove, discard, and replace the drive train as links can become brittle from disuse.
The most ironic thing though about the above FAQ is that it fails to address the one thing I'd actually worry about, which is relying on a lightweight racing saddle as a fastening point:
I mean seriously, those things can break:
Wow, it totally looks like she crapped a saddle.
In other competitive cycling news, professional cyclocrossing person Sven Nys took part in last weekend's Single Speed Cyclocross Single Speed World Single Speed Championship of Single-Speed Cyclocross:
The wildfire known as the Singlespeed World Championships (SSCXWC) roared into Portland this weekend for its tenth edition, fueled by the most pre-event hype in its history. Those flames were further fanned when the community got wind that Trek was bringing its best-known evangelist, living cyclocross legend Sven Nys.
It sounds like a great time for all involved, but I can't help thinking about how odd all this must be odd for him. Think about it: you're really good at this weird Belgian sport, then suddenly it gets inexplicably popular in America and now your bike sponsor wants you to ride around a muddy field in Portland getting beer thrown in your face:
He also got beer and mud-covered exercise balls thrown in his face, but unlike his reaction to an infamous beer-throwing incident in Europe, Nys embraced the hop-laden face wash. “It’s a very good atmosphere and everybody is in a very good mood,” Nys told Cyclocross Magazine. “It’s amazing to be part of this event. They are yelling and throwing beer but that’s part of the game.”
I mean sure, it's great to see he's a good sport about it:
But you've got to figure that at least once he asked himself, "Why couldn't I have retired with dignity?"
Though arguably it's totally impossible to retire from pro cycling with anything resembling dignity.
Really, the best you can hope for is running a legal weed dispensary:
Though it could obviously be a whole lot worse for Nys. For example, he could be getting sued for millions by a guy who runs a legal weed dispensary. Or worst of all he could still be riding and suffering medical indignities they wouldn't even force on lab animals:
Yes, by dehydrating yourself to almost but not quite the point of death you can gain a crucial advantage over your opponents:
"And losing two kilos in a few hours one day in the mountains of the Tour, Froome is capable of ascending Alpe d'Huez 47 seconds quicker than his previous best, which is no little thing considering that in 2015, for example, he won the Tour by only 72 seconds," said Palfreeman. "You can lose those two kilos through controlled dehydration, functional, drinking less than certain logic would call for."
All you have to do is fool your body with mouthwash and antidepressants into thinking it's not dying:
Palfreeman believes that with adequate preparation, it is possible to combat the effects that the heat would have. He recommended that the riders remain ignorant of their state of dehydration, to avoid negative thoughts, and that menthol mouthwash be used to fool thirst and ‘generate a feeling of cold.’ Training for heat perception would also be required, and he added that medication such as paracetamol would help in altering the perception of heat. Palfreeman also states that Wellbutrin. also known as bupropion, would have an affect. However, the anti-depressant has caused some concern from the world Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) and is currently on their monitored list.
Why stop there? Why not also put them in medically-induced comas every night to make sure they get adequate rest? Anyway, it should be fun to watch Froome in the Tour next year hydrating himself with a medicine dropper--or maybe just riding around with one of those automatic chain lubricators strapped to his helmet.
Though I spat egg nog all over my Christmas sweater when I learned this story was written by a Jew:
In the interest of full disclosure and to explain the occasional Yiddish peppered throughout this article, Geffen Semach is Jewish and as such has never purchased a Christmas tree, and/or biked around with one. She does, however, love to cart other large and oddly-shaped items around by bike and thoroughly enjoyed writing this article.
What, she never heard of a Hanukkah Bush?
Still, I dunno, taking Christmas tree-hauling tips from a Jewish person seems like taking gravel-grinding advice from a triathlete, and I'm not taking any chances until the experts at Bicycling weigh in on the subject:
I'm sure they'd recommend starting with a small potted plant in July and then slowly working your way up to that Christmas tree, but only after hiring a coach and following a custom-tailored training plan. Also, the story would be adjacent to a full-page Nissan Titan ad:
Don't worry, the Titan also looks great fitted with a car Menorah:
Gotta love the holidays.
I don't know which makes me sadder: car menorahs, or people who drive around with red noses and deer antlers on their SUVs:
Something about it all evokes fake wood paneling and tears.
Speaking of portaging, here's a Kickstarter for a new upside-down roof rack:
Basically the idea is you can fold it up, carry it around with you, and then grub a ride home from the cyclocross race or whatever without kicking in any gas money (you know who you are), which seems like a decent-enough idea. However, anyone who's read enough Lennard Zinn knows that bike dorks have an irrational fear of storing their bicycles upside-down, hence this exquisitely neurotic FAQ:
Yes, everybody knows disc brake-equipped bicycles can only be operated safely on level surfaces, which is why you should always bleed the system if your ride takes you up any climbs steeper than 4%.
And what about your wheel bearings?
Sorry, this is completely untrue. Everybody knows that if your wheels are allowed to spin freely while on top of a motor vehicle for a few hours this can overhead and distort your hub shells resulting in catastrophic failure.I mean, come on, who wrote these FAQs?!? These are the same sorts of irresponsible people who store their bicycles incorrectly. If you're one of them, make sure you always adhere to the following rules:
--NEVER hang your bicycle by the wheels, this causes reverse stress on the spokes and can result in catastrophic failure.
--If storing your bicycle for more than 24 hours, ALWAYS rotate your wheels at least once every 24 hours to prevent bearing seizure and tire flat spots.
--ALWAYS deflate and re-inflate your tires at least once every 7 days. Old air molecules can cause tire and tube degeneration and dry rot.
--Only store your bicycle with the derailleurs in the small/small combo. This reduces pressure on the derailleur springs. Storing your bicycle in the wrong gear can weaken the springs and degrade shifting performance.
--Be sure to turn your handlebars every few days to prevent headset bearing seizure and indexed steering.
--Brake pads can harden from exposure to air if not used frequently. To protect them you should rubber-band your brake levers to your handlebars to maintain constant contact between pad surface and braking surface while your bike is not in use.
--If the bicycle remains unridden for more than six weeks then remove, discard, and replace the drive train as links can become brittle from disuse.
The most ironic thing though about the above FAQ is that it fails to address the one thing I'd actually worry about, which is relying on a lightweight racing saddle as a fastening point:
I mean seriously, those things can break:
Wow, it totally looks like she crapped a saddle.
In other competitive cycling news, professional cyclocrossing person Sven Nys took part in last weekend's Single Speed Cyclocross Single Speed World Single Speed Championship of Single-Speed Cyclocross:
The wildfire known as the Singlespeed World Championships (SSCXWC) roared into Portland this weekend for its tenth edition, fueled by the most pre-event hype in its history. Those flames were further fanned when the community got wind that Trek was bringing its best-known evangelist, living cyclocross legend Sven Nys.
It sounds like a great time for all involved, but I can't help thinking about how odd all this must be odd for him. Think about it: you're really good at this weird Belgian sport, then suddenly it gets inexplicably popular in America and now your bike sponsor wants you to ride around a muddy field in Portland getting beer thrown in your face:
He also got beer and mud-covered exercise balls thrown in his face, but unlike his reaction to an infamous beer-throwing incident in Europe, Nys embraced the hop-laden face wash. “It’s a very good atmosphere and everybody is in a very good mood,” Nys told Cyclocross Magazine. “It’s amazing to be part of this event. They are yelling and throwing beer but that’s part of the game.”
I mean sure, it's great to see he's a good sport about it:
https://floydsofleadville.com/?age-verified=4bfa9da417THE @svennys in Portland! Such an incredible rider! #sscxwc @velofixA video posted by Velofix Portland (@velofixportland) on Dec 4, 2016 at 7:09pm PST
But you've got to figure that at least once he asked himself, "Why couldn't I have retired with dignity?"
Though arguably it's totally impossible to retire from pro cycling with anything resembling dignity.
Really, the best you can hope for is running a legal weed dispensary:
Though it could obviously be a whole lot worse for Nys. For example, he could be getting sued for millions by a guy who runs a legal weed dispensary. Or worst of all he could still be riding and suffering medical indignities they wouldn't even force on lab animals:
Yes, by dehydrating yourself to almost but not quite the point of death you can gain a crucial advantage over your opponents:
"And losing two kilos in a few hours one day in the mountains of the Tour, Froome is capable of ascending Alpe d'Huez 47 seconds quicker than his previous best, which is no little thing considering that in 2015, for example, he won the Tour by only 72 seconds," said Palfreeman. "You can lose those two kilos through controlled dehydration, functional, drinking less than certain logic would call for."
All you have to do is fool your body with mouthwash and antidepressants into thinking it's not dying:
Palfreeman believes that with adequate preparation, it is possible to combat the effects that the heat would have. He recommended that the riders remain ignorant of their state of dehydration, to avoid negative thoughts, and that menthol mouthwash be used to fool thirst and ‘generate a feeling of cold.’ Training for heat perception would also be required, and he added that medication such as paracetamol would help in altering the perception of heat. Palfreeman also states that Wellbutrin. also known as bupropion, would have an affect. However, the anti-depressant has caused some concern from the world Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) and is currently on their monitored list.
Why stop there? Why not also put them in medically-induced comas every night to make sure they get adequate rest? Anyway, it should be fun to watch Froome in the Tour next year hydrating himself with a medicine dropper--or maybe just riding around with one of those automatic chain lubricators strapped to his helmet.
December 5, 2016
Let's jump right in with both cleats!
Is there any more pleasant time of year to ride a bicycle than the autumn?
Probably, but whatever.
Nevertheless, yesterday I engaged in a bit of urban exploration (which perhaps you'll read about in a future Brooks blog, it's been awhile since my last one), after which I pointed my bicycle northward and scurried along the Hudson:
Keeping the Palisades on my left, the backyards of suburbia on my right, and my Brooks securely under my scranus, I pushed northward upon 32mm Paselas set to the optimal #whatpressuryourunning for the terrain, elevation, and atmospheric conditions:
When suddenly I came upon this arrangement of Osage oranges (I had to look that up), preternaturally stacked around the circumference of this old aqueduct vent:
"No human being would stack Osage oranges like this," I thought to myself, and immediately ascribed it to some supernatural being or folkloric creature:
After all, many regions have their own mythical beasts--the Pacific Northwest has Bigfoot, the Pine Barrens has the Jersey Devil, Cleveland has this guy--so it could very well have been the work of some local equivalent like Scraps, the Hellhound of Yonkers:
Or maybe it was Auðumbla, the primeval bovine of Norse mythology:
In case it's not clear what's going on in that painting, here's the description:
While Ymir suckles at the udder of Auðumbla, Búri is licked out of the ice in this 18th-century painting by Nicolai Abildgaard (1790)
Religion's a funny thing, and you've got to wonder why Jesus caught on but Ymir the Norse Bovine-Suckler didn't.
Speaking of bovines, my Brooks saddle's made from one, and it looks especially distinguished with an EH Works saddlebag tethered to it:
(Yes, in an emergency you can suckle your Brooks.)
That's called PRODUCT PLACEMENT, and it's what we semi-professional bloggers do around the holidays. I'd be pretty happy to find an EH Works saddle bag or even a Brooks underneath my Festivus pole, Chrismas rock, or Ice Menorah, and I'm sure you know somebody who would the same, that's all I'm saying:
And this morning's ride was no less "epic," for I loaded up my WorkCycles with one of my spare human children and headed to the local library:
On the way there, we enjoyed a wildlife sighting on Helmet Mime Hill:
As I understand it, skunk are crepuscular, so I assume the fact it was out at mid-morning means either: A) it's rabid; B) it's doing the walk of shame; or C) both.
Regardless, it looked wet and pissed off, so it's a good thing my human child was wearing a helmet:
(#whatbabyyourunning)
Anyway, we picked out a book, which my human child struggled to figure out:
(He's wondering why this primitive object doesn't automatically orient itself like the phone.)
But once he did it kept him occupied for the ride home:
Yeah, my kid's reading (well, looking at) a book on a bike. Out-smug THAT, suckers!!!
Meanwhile, Citi Bike was supposed to destroy New York City or something, but now there's citywide demand for it, go figure:
“It is imperative that we turn Citi Bike fully into a public good and a resource for our lowest income communities,” Councilman Ydanis Rodriguez, a Democrat from northern Manhattan, said at a recent City Council hearing on the program’s future.
Citi Bike officials say the system might not extend to all five boroughs unless the city is willing to help pay for it, an idea that the administration of Mayor Bill de Blasio, a Democrat, is considering. For some elected city officials, the arrival of Citi Bike in Jersey City last year was yet another slight for their oft-neglected communities.
Seems to me giving the entire city access to Citi Bikes makes a lot more sense than that goofy streetcar he wants to build. After all, there's clearly a lot of pent-up demand for cycling in New York City, which is liable to explode if they ever manage to pop the cork of imminent death;
Many New Yorkers across different races, incomes and genders are concerned about riding safely on harrowing city streets. Though traffic crashes remain a persistent problem, no Citi Bike riders have died in an accident since the system started in 2013. But overall cyclist deaths in the city are up this year. There were 17 deaths so far in 2016, compared with 14 during the same period last year, city officials said.
Unfortunately when the city does try to liberate New Yorkers from the specter of death a small, vocal minority decries it as a deliberate attempt to inconvenience the poor, unfortunate motorists:
Today’s gridlock is the result of an effort by the Bloomberg and de Blasio administrations over more than a decade of redesigning streets and ramping up police efforts, the sources said.
“The traffic is being engineered,” a former top NYPD official told The Post, explaining a long-term plan that began under Mayor Mike Bloomberg and hasn’t slowed with Mayor de Blasio.
No, today's gridlock is the result of a bunch of fucking morons in leased Hyundais who think driving into Manhattan during rush hour is a good idea.
“The city streets are being engineered to create traffic congestion, to slow traffic down, to favor bikers and pedestrians,” the former official said.
I wish this were true. If the city actually went forward with street design that was punitive to motorists we'd be about a thousand times better off. Tolls on the East River bridges? Speed and red light cameras? Weight-activated tire spikes in the bike lanes? Bring it on, baby!
Green Light includes pedestrian plazas and protected bike lanes that are still being completed under de Blasio, who has further snarled traffic with reduced speed limits, redesigned intersections and aggressive summons-writing as part of his Vision Zero initiative.
I would give anything for a mayor with the balls and/or labia to tell these winy, entitled motorists to shut the fuck up. If you can't figure out when it makes sense to use your car and when it doesn't then you deserve to sit in traffic. Burn in "vehicular hell," suckers!
Still, Manhattan has become a vehicular hell where drivers suffer an average speed of 8.2 mph.
It's true, I miss the days when Manhattan was the first place you'd go to take a Sunday drive.
Among them was Braulio Cefea, who was stuck in a traffic jam on the Manhattan side of the Queens Midtown Tunnel Friday.
“This is a bad idea,” he said of Midtown’s intentional traffic snarls. “Bad, bad idea!”
Yeah, it was a bad idea. Trying to take the Midtown Tunnel on a Friday, is he fucking nuts?!? Too bad there's no other way to get from Manhattan to Queens, apart from numerous subway lines and the Long Island Rail Road.
Troy Johnson, 29, sitting in the same traffic jam, was furious at the insiders’ allegations of an effort by City Hall to clog traffic.
“If it’s true,” he said, “you are going to see some serious road rage!”
Right, because we don't have that already.
Idiots.
These are the same geniuses who go to Black Friday sales and wind up stabbing people.
Meanwhile, London's mayor's spending a shitload of money on cycling:
London’s mayor, Sadiq Khan, has promised to spend £770m on cycling initiatives over the course of his term, saying he wants to make riding a bike the “safe and obvious” transport choice for all Londoners.
Following criticism that Khan has not been as bold as his predecessor, Boris Johnson, in committing to new bike routes, and amid increasing worries about air quality in London, Khan’s office has set out what is described as a hugely ambitious programme to boost cyclist numbers.
Wait, he's being criticized for not doing as much bike stuff as his predecessor? This is exactly the opposite of New York, where our mayor gets criticized for continuing his predecessor's bike projects.
Wish we had that problem.
And there's even good news in New South Wales, where they've scrapped the mandatory ID for cyclists thing:
NSW residents will not be required to carry identification while riding a bike, after another about-turn by the Baird government.
The government had said cyclists could face a $106 fine for failing to carry identification from March.
This "alternative solution struck the right balance between safety and convenience," Mr Gay said.
Good day for cyclists, bad day for greyhounds and sharks:
Dropping the identification requirement is the latest in a string of policy backflips by the Baird government. Others include reversing its ban on greyhound racing, and agreeing to shark nets on the NSW north coast.
I sure hope those greyhounds wear helmets.
Probably, but whatever.
Nevertheless, yesterday I engaged in a bit of urban exploration (which perhaps you'll read about in a future Brooks blog, it's been awhile since my last one), after which I pointed my bicycle northward and scurried along the Hudson:
Keeping the Palisades on my left, the backyards of suburbia on my right, and my Brooks securely under my scranus, I pushed northward upon 32mm Paselas set to the optimal #whatpressuryourunning for the terrain, elevation, and atmospheric conditions:
When suddenly I came upon this arrangement of Osage oranges (I had to look that up), preternaturally stacked around the circumference of this old aqueduct vent:
"No human being would stack Osage oranges like this," I thought to myself, and immediately ascribed it to some supernatural being or folkloric creature:
After all, many regions have their own mythical beasts--the Pacific Northwest has Bigfoot, the Pine Barrens has the Jersey Devil, Cleveland has this guy--so it could very well have been the work of some local equivalent like Scraps, the Hellhound of Yonkers:
Or maybe it was Auðumbla, the primeval bovine of Norse mythology:
In case it's not clear what's going on in that painting, here's the description:
While Ymir suckles at the udder of Auðumbla, Búri is licked out of the ice in this 18th-century painting by Nicolai Abildgaard (1790)
Religion's a funny thing, and you've got to wonder why Jesus caught on but Ymir the Norse Bovine-Suckler didn't.
Speaking of bovines, my Brooks saddle's made from one, and it looks especially distinguished with an EH Works saddlebag tethered to it:
(Yes, in an emergency you can suckle your Brooks.)
That's called PRODUCT PLACEMENT, and it's what we semi-professional bloggers do around the holidays. I'd be pretty happy to find an EH Works saddle bag or even a Brooks underneath my Festivus pole, Chrismas rock, or Ice Menorah, and I'm sure you know somebody who would the same, that's all I'm saying:
And this morning's ride was no less "epic," for I loaded up my WorkCycles with one of my spare human children and headed to the local library:
On the way there, we enjoyed a wildlife sighting on Helmet Mime Hill:
As I understand it, skunk are crepuscular, so I assume the fact it was out at mid-morning means either: A) it's rabid; B) it's doing the walk of shame; or C) both.
Regardless, it looked wet and pissed off, so it's a good thing my human child was wearing a helmet:
(#whatbabyyourunning)
Anyway, we picked out a book, which my human child struggled to figure out:
(He's wondering why this primitive object doesn't automatically orient itself like the phone.)
But once he did it kept him occupied for the ride home:
Yeah, my kid's reading (well, looking at) a book on a bike. Out-smug THAT, suckers!!!
Meanwhile, Citi Bike was supposed to destroy New York City or something, but now there's citywide demand for it, go figure:
“It is imperative that we turn Citi Bike fully into a public good and a resource for our lowest income communities,” Councilman Ydanis Rodriguez, a Democrat from northern Manhattan, said at a recent City Council hearing on the program’s future.
Citi Bike officials say the system might not extend to all five boroughs unless the city is willing to help pay for it, an idea that the administration of Mayor Bill de Blasio, a Democrat, is considering. For some elected city officials, the arrival of Citi Bike in Jersey City last year was yet another slight for their oft-neglected communities.
Seems to me giving the entire city access to Citi Bikes makes a lot more sense than that goofy streetcar he wants to build. After all, there's clearly a lot of pent-up demand for cycling in New York City, which is liable to explode if they ever manage to pop the cork of imminent death;
Many New Yorkers across different races, incomes and genders are concerned about riding safely on harrowing city streets. Though traffic crashes remain a persistent problem, no Citi Bike riders have died in an accident since the system started in 2013. But overall cyclist deaths in the city are up this year. There were 17 deaths so far in 2016, compared with 14 during the same period last year, city officials said.
Unfortunately when the city does try to liberate New Yorkers from the specter of death a small, vocal minority decries it as a deliberate attempt to inconvenience the poor, unfortunate motorists:
Today’s gridlock is the result of an effort by the Bloomberg and de Blasio administrations over more than a decade of redesigning streets and ramping up police efforts, the sources said.
“The traffic is being engineered,” a former top NYPD official told The Post, explaining a long-term plan that began under Mayor Mike Bloomberg and hasn’t slowed with Mayor de Blasio.
No, today's gridlock is the result of a bunch of fucking morons in leased Hyundais who think driving into Manhattan during rush hour is a good idea.
“The city streets are being engineered to create traffic congestion, to slow traffic down, to favor bikers and pedestrians,” the former official said.
I wish this were true. If the city actually went forward with street design that was punitive to motorists we'd be about a thousand times better off. Tolls on the East River bridges? Speed and red light cameras? Weight-activated tire spikes in the bike lanes? Bring it on, baby!
Green Light includes pedestrian plazas and protected bike lanes that are still being completed under de Blasio, who has further snarled traffic with reduced speed limits, redesigned intersections and aggressive summons-writing as part of his Vision Zero initiative.
I would give anything for a mayor with the balls and/or labia to tell these winy, entitled motorists to shut the fuck up. If you can't figure out when it makes sense to use your car and when it doesn't then you deserve to sit in traffic. Burn in "vehicular hell," suckers!
Still, Manhattan has become a vehicular hell where drivers suffer an average speed of 8.2 mph.
It's true, I miss the days when Manhattan was the first place you'd go to take a Sunday drive.
Among them was Braulio Cefea, who was stuck in a traffic jam on the Manhattan side of the Queens Midtown Tunnel Friday.
“This is a bad idea,” he said of Midtown’s intentional traffic snarls. “Bad, bad idea!”
Yeah, it was a bad idea. Trying to take the Midtown Tunnel on a Friday, is he fucking nuts?!? Too bad there's no other way to get from Manhattan to Queens, apart from numerous subway lines and the Long Island Rail Road.
Troy Johnson, 29, sitting in the same traffic jam, was furious at the insiders’ allegations of an effort by City Hall to clog traffic.
“If it’s true,” he said, “you are going to see some serious road rage!”
Right, because we don't have that already.
Idiots.
These are the same geniuses who go to Black Friday sales and wind up stabbing people.
Meanwhile, London's mayor's spending a shitload of money on cycling:
London’s mayor, Sadiq Khan, has promised to spend £770m on cycling initiatives over the course of his term, saying he wants to make riding a bike the “safe and obvious” transport choice for all Londoners.
Following criticism that Khan has not been as bold as his predecessor, Boris Johnson, in committing to new bike routes, and amid increasing worries about air quality in London, Khan’s office has set out what is described as a hugely ambitious programme to boost cyclist numbers.
Wait, he's being criticized for not doing as much bike stuff as his predecessor? This is exactly the opposite of New York, where our mayor gets criticized for continuing his predecessor's bike projects.
Wish we had that problem.
And there's even good news in New South Wales, where they've scrapped the mandatory ID for cyclists thing:
NSW residents will not be required to carry identification while riding a bike, after another about-turn by the Baird government.
The government had said cyclists could face a $106 fine for failing to carry identification from March.
This "alternative solution struck the right balance between safety and convenience," Mr Gay said.
Good day for cyclists, bad day for greyhounds and sharks:
Dropping the identification requirement is the latest in a string of policy backflips by the Baird government. Others include reversing its ban on greyhound racing, and agreeing to shark nets on the NSW north coast.
I sure hope those greyhounds wear helmets.
December 2, 2016
The Speed of Sound
Now that bicycle frames are available in every conceivable configuration and material from boron to bamboo (you can get both from the same company by the way), the bicycle industry is finally admitting that it's mostly just tire volume and pressure that's informing your bicycle's ride quality and performance, which is why the roadies are allowed to use wider tires now:
See, they couldn't have told you that before, because if people knew then what they know now then nobody in their right mind would buy a carbon fiber bicycle. They'd have simply kept what they had and bought some Paselas:
(28mm Pasela: the only road bike tire you need.)
Of course now they're telling you that you also need new wheels for your new wider tires, and of course disc brakes to stop them with, but that's a whole other story.
But there is another crucial factor that determines how your bike rides. No, it's not your frame's elastic modulus or resonant frequency or cognitive dissonance or anything like that. It's a far more profound quality called "acoustics:"
So how do your bicycle's acoustics affect its ride quality? Well, they don't. But you think they do, and that's what matters. Consider, for example, that chain ejaculator we looked at yesterday:
This device keeps your chain in a constant state of moderate moistness, just like a Matthew McConaughey movie. In so doing, it claims to increase your power transmission by 12 watts--which is a load of utter crap, as drivetrain efficiency is mostly a function of sprocket size and chain tension:
The researchers found two factors that seemed to affect the bicycle chain drive's efficiency. Surprisingly, lubrication was not one of them.
"The first factor was sprocket size," Spicer says. "The larger the sprocket, the higher the efficiency we recorded." The sprocket is the circular plate whose teeth catch the chain links and move them along. Between the front and rear sprockets, the chain links line up straight. But when the links reach the sprocket, they bend slightly as they curl around the gear. "When the sprocket is larger, the links bend at a smaller angle," Spicer explains. "There's less frictional work, and as a result, less energy is lost."
The second factor that affected efficiency was tension in the chain. The higher the chain tension, Spicer says, the higher the efficiency score. "This is actually not in the direction you'd expect, based simply on friction," he says. "It's not clear to us at this time why this occurs."
But try telling your ears that. When your chain is thirsty for lube it makes pedaling your bike sound like you're raising a medieval drawbridge, which in turn makes your bike feel slower, even if it's really not. So it makes perfect sense that a clueless Fred with a £250 chain-slathering device is going to mistake his bicycle's sudden silence for 12 more watts of pure, unadulterated speed. (Until the thing malfunctions, dumps a bunch of chain lube onto the rear tire's contact patch, and causes him to crash--and I'm saying "him" because only a man would be dumb enough to buy one of these gadgets.)
The same thing goes for bottom bracket stiffness. For years the bicycle industry has been telling us that your spindly, diminutive bottom brackets are robbing you of precious watts. Consequently bottom bracket shells have gotten bigger and bigger, to the point where they're now just gaping holes that you have to stuff full of various adapters:
Do you really thing a giant sandwich of crush washers and spacers and seals and shims and washers and plastic sleeves and whatever else they stuff in there is somehow more efficient than the square taper cartridge bottom brackets of yesteryear?
Of course not.
The way your bottom bracket sounds, though, is hugely important. For example, recently the generic stock bottom bracket on my Marin Pine Mountain 1 started making noise on the climbs, so I replaced it with one of those boringly solid Shimano Hollowtech II ones that last roughly forever:
Can you possibly discern bottom bracket stiffness or frame flex through two big fat 27.5+ tires at extremely low #whatpressureyourunning? No. Did swapping one pair of thread-in bearings for another make any appreciable difference apart from silencing the bike? No. But I can assure you that with a quiet bottom bracket I suddenly felt like I was rocketing up the same climbs upon which I had once struggled, and that I was riding a totally different bicycle, one that was somehow newer and better and maybe even lighter. (A quiet bottom bracket is a powerful thing.)
Of course, the irony is that those new giant bottom bracket shells are more likely to creak, but it's a worthwhile trade-off because they also allow bike manufacturers to use gigantic crabon tubes, and that's where the real acoustic benefits come into play:
(A big-ass downtube and bottom bracket shell.)
See, nothing sounds faster on a bicycle than a big hollow plastic tube. It amplifies everything: the click of the shifter, the thrum of the road surface, the gun-cocking sound of your chain dropping into a smaller cog... A plastic bike with giant tubes rolling on those whooshy plastic wheels sounds as tight and lively as a snare drum--and if you add the weaponized whirr of a loud freehub and the servo sound of an electronic shifting group then Fred's spank-bank doth overflow:
BikeHugger really oughta be careful because he's gonna go blind:
And of course gravel opens up a whole new exciting world of acoustical possibility:
Ah, so soothing... It's like listening to a gentle spring rain fall on your windowsill while you're frying bacon in a skillet. Sure, you can ride pretty much any bike on gravel, but you can expect tomorrow's dedicated gravel bikes to be 100% acoustically optimized to amplify that wonderful sound and keep you in a state of bacon-y bliss.
So to recap, I'd estimate that (assuming correct fit and geometry of course) bicycle performance breaks down thusly:
Tire Pressure/Volume/Etc.--50%
Aesthetics:--20%*
Acoustics:--20%
Miscellaneous (wheels, frame materials, ergonomics, blah blah blah):--10%
*[For purposes of this analysis "aesthetics" also includes weight, since the only time it means anything is when some Fred lifts your bike at the coffee shop.]
In other equipment news, I guarantee you that Freds are going to be wearing self-lacing cycling shoes within the next two years:
Yep, you can add "lace tension" to the array of electronic systems riders will have monitor while on the bike, right alongside wattage output and shifter battery life and dropper post position and suspension setting and chain lube flow rate. Come on, a drop-bar mounted "sprint" remote that increases lace tension by 2.5Nm increments? The gimmicks practically invent themselves!
Though if self-lacing comes to Brooks then we'll really be in trouble:
(Pic from Lovely Bicycle)
I hear remote saddle lace tension adjustment will be an option on the new electronic shifting group from Rivendell:
(Rivendell's new bar end-mounted electronic shifter.)
Can't wait!
See, they couldn't have told you that before, because if people knew then what they know now then nobody in their right mind would buy a carbon fiber bicycle. They'd have simply kept what they had and bought some Paselas:
(28mm Pasela: the only road bike tire you need.)
Of course now they're telling you that you also need new wheels for your new wider tires, and of course disc brakes to stop them with, but that's a whole other story.
But there is another crucial factor that determines how your bike rides. No, it's not your frame's elastic modulus or resonant frequency or cognitive dissonance or anything like that. It's a far more profound quality called "acoustics:"
So how do your bicycle's acoustics affect its ride quality? Well, they don't. But you think they do, and that's what matters. Consider, for example, that chain ejaculator we looked at yesterday:
This device keeps your chain in a constant state of moderate moistness, just like a Matthew McConaughey movie. In so doing, it claims to increase your power transmission by 12 watts--which is a load of utter crap, as drivetrain efficiency is mostly a function of sprocket size and chain tension:
The researchers found two factors that seemed to affect the bicycle chain drive's efficiency. Surprisingly, lubrication was not one of them.
"The first factor was sprocket size," Spicer says. "The larger the sprocket, the higher the efficiency we recorded." The sprocket is the circular plate whose teeth catch the chain links and move them along. Between the front and rear sprockets, the chain links line up straight. But when the links reach the sprocket, they bend slightly as they curl around the gear. "When the sprocket is larger, the links bend at a smaller angle," Spicer explains. "There's less frictional work, and as a result, less energy is lost."
The second factor that affected efficiency was tension in the chain. The higher the chain tension, Spicer says, the higher the efficiency score. "This is actually not in the direction you'd expect, based simply on friction," he says. "It's not clear to us at this time why this occurs."
But try telling your ears that. When your chain is thirsty for lube it makes pedaling your bike sound like you're raising a medieval drawbridge, which in turn makes your bike feel slower, even if it's really not. So it makes perfect sense that a clueless Fred with a £250 chain-slathering device is going to mistake his bicycle's sudden silence for 12 more watts of pure, unadulterated speed. (Until the thing malfunctions, dumps a bunch of chain lube onto the rear tire's contact patch, and causes him to crash--and I'm saying "him" because only a man would be dumb enough to buy one of these gadgets.)
The same thing goes for bottom bracket stiffness. For years the bicycle industry has been telling us that your spindly, diminutive bottom brackets are robbing you of precious watts. Consequently bottom bracket shells have gotten bigger and bigger, to the point where they're now just gaping holes that you have to stuff full of various adapters:
Do you really thing a giant sandwich of crush washers and spacers and seals and shims and washers and plastic sleeves and whatever else they stuff in there is somehow more efficient than the square taper cartridge bottom brackets of yesteryear?
Of course not.
The way your bottom bracket sounds, though, is hugely important. For example, recently the generic stock bottom bracket on my Marin Pine Mountain 1 started making noise on the climbs, so I replaced it with one of those boringly solid Shimano Hollowtech II ones that last roughly forever:
Can you possibly discern bottom bracket stiffness or frame flex through two big fat 27.5+ tires at extremely low #whatpressureyourunning? No. Did swapping one pair of thread-in bearings for another make any appreciable difference apart from silencing the bike? No. But I can assure you that with a quiet bottom bracket I suddenly felt like I was rocketing up the same climbs upon which I had once struggled, and that I was riding a totally different bicycle, one that was somehow newer and better and maybe even lighter. (A quiet bottom bracket is a powerful thing.)
Of course, the irony is that those new giant bottom bracket shells are more likely to creak, but it's a worthwhile trade-off because they also allow bike manufacturers to use gigantic crabon tubes, and that's where the real acoustic benefits come into play:
(A big-ass downtube and bottom bracket shell.)
See, nothing sounds faster on a bicycle than a big hollow plastic tube. It amplifies everything: the click of the shifter, the thrum of the road surface, the gun-cocking sound of your chain dropping into a smaller cog... A plastic bike with giant tubes rolling on those whooshy plastic wheels sounds as tight and lively as a snare drum--and if you add the weaponized whirr of a loud freehub and the servo sound of an electronic shifting group then Fred's spank-bank doth overflow:
BikeHugger really oughta be careful because he's gonna go blind:
And of course gravel opens up a whole new exciting world of acoustical possibility:
Ah, so soothing... It's like listening to a gentle spring rain fall on your windowsill while you're frying bacon in a skillet. Sure, you can ride pretty much any bike on gravel, but you can expect tomorrow's dedicated gravel bikes to be 100% acoustically optimized to amplify that wonderful sound and keep you in a state of bacon-y bliss.
So to recap, I'd estimate that (assuming correct fit and geometry of course) bicycle performance breaks down thusly:
Tire Pressure/Volume/Etc.--50%
Aesthetics:--20%*
Acoustics:--20%
Miscellaneous (wheels, frame materials, ergonomics, blah blah blah):--10%
*[For purposes of this analysis "aesthetics" also includes weight, since the only time it means anything is when some Fred lifts your bike at the coffee shop.]
In other equipment news, I guarantee you that Freds are going to be wearing self-lacing cycling shoes within the next two years:
Yep, you can add "lace tension" to the array of electronic systems riders will have monitor while on the bike, right alongside wattage output and shifter battery life and dropper post position and suspension setting and chain lube flow rate. Come on, a drop-bar mounted "sprint" remote that increases lace tension by 2.5Nm increments? The gimmicks practically invent themselves!
Though if self-lacing comes to Brooks then we'll really be in trouble:
(Pic from Lovely Bicycle)
I hear remote saddle lace tension adjustment will be an option on the new electronic shifting group from Rivendell:
(Rivendell's new bar end-mounted electronic shifter.)Can't wait!
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