Marcia Sirota's Blog, page 7

Becoming The Person Your Younger Self Needed The Most—The Gen Z Corner

There’s this thing about becoming the person that your younger self needed the most. Whether due to unmet needs as a child, or having to parent yourself as a result of toxic family members, you subconsciously become the person your childhood self needed the most.

In the latest episode of the Ruthless Compassion podcast, Dr. Marcia Sirota interviewed Dr. Sherrie Campbell about having the courage to separate from toxic family members. Dr. Campbell shares her experience dealing with toxic parents and the difficulties of cutting ties with those who are supposed to be there for you.

It made me think about the ways you become the person your childhood self needed the most, as a result of unmet needs.

Parents who do not validate all of your emotions — especially the negative ones, like anger or fear — are not helping you understand these feelings and are unable to console you in the process.

This can result in having to parent yourself, and give yourself the soothing and reassurance you need. Not only that, but you end up doing this for everyone around you. You can even make a career of it. This is how you become the person you needed the most as a child.

This is especially true for people who work in the service industry and in the helping professions. These individuals are often subconsciously trying to compensate for what was missing in their childhood by giving it to others in their adult lives.

Activists who have experienced injustice are compelled to make changes in the world. Therapists who needed someone to lean on as a child may become that for others. Caretakers who were neglected when they were growing up know what it’s like to feel isolated and empathize strongly with their clients today.

While writing this, I realized that I began writing because I often felt like I didn’t have a voice growing up. Authority figures often told me to be quiet and small. It became second nature to hold onto my words and keep them inside. I didn’t get the chance to express myself as I wanted.

Then, I pursued Journalism, where I was able to share other people’s stories. I knew what it felt like to have no voice, and I wanted to be a voice for those who feel voiceless.

To this day, I still have trouble coming up with something to say. I’m actively working on getting out of my comfort zone. Although it’s much easier for me to write than speak, at least with writing, I can finally be myself and share my thoughts and feelings. I became the person I needed the most as a child, in my own way.

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The Gen Z Corner is a new column with the Ruthless Compassion Institue written by Elaine Genest, which features compelling first-person narratives about mental health through a Gen Z lens.

Elaine Genest is a columnist for the Ruthless Compassion Institute based in Toronto, ON. With her bachelor’s in Journalism from Concordia University, she focuses on mental health, personal reflections, and how the two intersect.

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Is American Society Weaponizing Mentally Ill Young Men?

Mass shootings are becoming commonplace in the US

As I write this blog, I’m thinking that most likely, there will be another mass shooting in the US by the time it’s published. According to recent statistics, there have been 300 mass shootings in the united states since January 2022. That’s almost two per day.

A mass shooting is defined as an incident in which at least four people are killed. Often, many more die, and that doesn’t include the scores who are seriously injured in these incidents.

The most recent mass shootings in the United States include the Buffalo supermarket shooting where 10 people died on May 14 by semi-automatic rifle, the Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas, where 21 people died on May 24 by semi-automatic rifle, and the Highland Park parade shooting where seven people were killed by a semi-automatic rifle on the July 4th holiday. All of these shootings involved mentally ill young men.

Photographer: Matthieu Joannon | Source: UnsplashIt’s easier to purchase a gun in the US than to sell a taco

American society makes so many efforts to create a safe environment and safe conditions for its citizens, except when it comes to guns. It’s way harder to get a permit to sell tacos in the United States than it is to obtain a handgun.

Here in Canada, it’s still better than in the United States, but a recent rash of gun violence in Ontario is making me wonder whether we’re rapidly heading in the same direction.

Photographer: Fernando @cferdophotography | Source: UnsplashMass shooters are usually young men with mental illness

So who is it that is shooting up the citizens in America? For the most part, it’s young men who generally have some type of mental health disorder. Many of them have come to the attention of the police or mental health providers prior to their violent episodes. Some of them have posted violent threats online, but even so, they seem to slip through the cracks and are allowed to express their mental disturbances through violence.

Studies have shown that, compared to other people, mass shooters were much more likely to be out of work, unmarried, and to have a history of mental health problems. Compared to other homicide offenders, mass shooters were four times more likely to have engaged in pre-meditated acts and eight times more likely to have killed strangers. They were also more likely to have suicidal thoughts prior to their attacks and to commit suicide directly or by cop during their attacks.

Photographer: CardMapr.nl | Source: UnsplashSocial media encourages acts of violence IRL

Social media seems to support this type of violence because negativity is celebrated online. The internet is set up to attract more eyeballs and therefore, anything sensational, intense or shocking is celebrated. When young men with mental health disturbances post their violent fantasies online they are often encouraged to keep doing so. Some anonymous instigators even encourage these men to act out their violent fantasies in real life.

Instead of being shut down or coming to the attention of mental health providers, these young men are often emboldened to act out their violent fantasies. In my opinion, young people need more mental health support than ever before. There should be alert systems online to identify those individuals who are suffering from severe mental health crises and especially for those who are threatening violence.

Photographer: Jesús Rodríguez | Source: UnsplashMental health disorders are on the rise among Gen Z’ers

There has been a continuous rise in mental health disorders among young adults over the past several years. The Covid-10 pandemic has contributed greatly to this and now, the post-pandemic financial situation has only worsened our stress.

According to an article from the American Psychological Association, “Gen Z teens (ages 13–17) and Gen Z adults (ages 18–23) were facing unprecedented uncertainty, experiencing elevated stress and already reporting symptoms of depression” in 2020.

Some young people turn to violence when under extreme stress, and when handguns are so readily accessible it’s that much easier for them to cause maximum harm.

The police need to take these types of online threats more seriously and bring these young people to the attention of mental health providers before they can act out their violent fantasies.

Photographer: Maria Lysenko | Source: UnsplashThe American Psychiatric Association wants to curb gun violence in the US

Even the American Psychiatric Association has chimed in on the problem by recommending assault weapons bans, high-capacity magazine bans, and universal background checks as a way to curb gun violence in the U.S.

I find it truly bizarre that the US mandates so many safety protocols for its citizens but leaves out the one safety measure that could save so many lives. There’s absolutely no reason for an average citizen to have any type of assault weapon. It is in no way required for their personal safety or for the safety of their family or property.

It should be much more difficult for the average citizen to obtain any type of weapon and there should absolutely be a mental health background check on anyone who is looking to buy a gun.

Photographer: Max Kleinen | Source: UnsplashEasy access to guns is weaponizing mentally ill young men

For young men who are suffering serious mental health disorders, easy access to guns and the encouragement of their violent fantasies on the internet could be weaponizing these disturbed individuals.

We don’t want the United States, and possibly even Canada to become a shooting gallery. We don’t want simple things like going to the grocery store or to the movies or out for a walk to become an exercise in dodging bullets. It’s imperative that we start taking this problem much more seriously.

Everyone with a serious mental health condition is deserving of treatment, and society needs to be protected from anyone who is threatening violence. When we start providing appropriate treatment to young people with mental health conditions and when we make guns less readily available to mentally ill young men, we will see a rapid decrease in the number of mass shootings across North America.

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Tune in to my Ruthless Compassion Podcast where I go in-depth about topics like mental health, trauma, and loneliness.

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How Inflation Affects Our Mental Health

Lately, we’ve noticed that the prices of food and gas have sky-rocketed. This is the last thing we need after 2 years of unrelenting stress. Covid has pushed us to the limit, and just when we thought we couldn’t handle anymore, we’re now having to deal with inflation rates that haven’t been as high in almost 40 years. A survey concluded that inflation has caused a lot of stress for Canadians lately, especially from the increasing grocery prices.

It’s important that we notice the signs of stress in ourselves and that we deal with our mental health proactively. Inflation rates are likely to go even higher and we need to optimize our self-care if we don’t want to decompensate psychologically.

Watch my latest video on how inflation impacts our mental health.

Dr. Sirota offers simple strategies that you can incorporate into your life to help cope with the stress of inflation.

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Subscribe to my YouTube Channel where you’ll learn simple tips for taking the best care of yourself and your loved ones.

Tune in to my Ruthless Compassion Podcast where I go in-depth about topics like mental health, trauma, and loneliness.

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The Importance of Having Fun

Over the past couple of years, fun has been the last thing on our minds. We’ve gone through incredible hardships, whether from isolation, financial stress, or loss. Life has been all about managing the challenges we’ve been facing.

Now that things are finally opening up again, we can start to think about having a more balanced life. And that’s where fun comes in. Fun is an essential aspect of a healthy, happy life. Some people think that fun is frivolous, but it’s actually important for our mental and physical well-being. Journalist, Catherine Price, wrote about it in her book, The Power of Fun.

Check out my latest video on the importance of having fun.

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Subscribe to my YouTube Channel where you’ll learn simple tips for taking the best care of yourself and your loved ones.

Tune in to my Ruthless Compassion Podcast where I go in-depth about topics like mental health, trauma, and loneliness.

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How to Disconnect from Work

The new legislation that’s just come out in Ontario, giving workers the right to disconnect from the workplace on evenings and weekends is very interesting. It remains to be seen whether it will have any real impact on the lives of Ontario workers.

Having said that, the legislation sheds light on the important issue of work-life balance. It is essential that we have time for other things besides work. The new work-from-home trend since Covid, has made it easier to blur the line between work-time and personal time, so we need to be that much more vigilant these days.

The more we work, the more we feel we should work, and it can become somewhat addictive. We need to consciously disconnect from our work and put our attention on the other things that give our lives meaning, such as our relationships and our pastimes.

Check out my latest video on how to disconnect from work.

A lot of people are experiencing burnout and it is important to notice the signs and be proactive about knowing when to take a break.

Coming out of the pandemic, do you struggle to disconnect from work these days?

On Thursday, June 23 at 12:30 pm, I’m hosting a free online event to explore how to practice better self-care by making sure to disconnect from work.

To learn more, visit: https://www.eventbrite.ca/e/recognizing-signs-of-burnout-and-how-to-disconnect-from-work-tickets-365760348047?

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Sign up here for my free biweekly wellness newsletter that brings you fresh, thought-provoking content.

Subscribe to my YouTube Channel where you’ll learn simple tips for taking the best care of yourself and your loved ones.

Tune in to my Ruthless Compassion Podcast where I go in-depth about topics like mental health, trauma, and loneliness.

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One Huge Mistake That Ruins Relationships and How to Fix It

Simple misunderstandings ruin a lot of relationships

Over the years, I’ve noticed that a lot of relationships that end in acrimony could have easily been salvaged. The one thing they all seem to have in common is that a simple misunderstanding ended up exploding the relationship.

In this day and age, when communication is so complex and complicated, it’s easier than ever for misunderstandings to arise. If we jump to conclusions and assume that someone has been rude or dismissive or hostile toward us, and then we respond back with anger, it’s easy for the relationship to collapse.

When I look at social media, it seems that many of us have a habit of making assumptions based on what we have heard or read from someone else. We read the text or the email; we hear something on the phone, and we automatically assume that we have been slighted in some way.

But what if it’s all just a simple misunderstanding? How many otherwise good relationships have been destroyed over something as simple as a lack of clarity in terms of what was actually being expressed?

Photographer: Jonas Leupe | Source: UnsplashWe jump to conclusions about things we read in texts

For example, when we receive a text, it’s often hard to interpret the tone. If we make an assumption that the tone is negative and then we shoot off a retaliatory text, we risk making the person on the receiving end feel confused and upset.

If they look at our text and become angry because they don’t understand why our response was so hostile or sarcastic, they could then send us a text that reflects their confusion and anger. You could see how things could spiral out of control.

Perfectly good romantic relationships could be destroyed by such a text volley. Jobs could be lost; friendships could die a sudden, unnecessary death.

Photographer: Ben White | Source: UnsplashInstead of making assumptions we need to clarify

Instead of having a knee-jerk reaction, what people needed to do is to notice their feelings and to ask themselves one important question: “am I sure that this person meant to offend me?”

If we are not 100% certain that the other person intended offense, what we need to do is clarify. Let me give an example:

Thinking about texting, imagine if you were the person on the receiving end of the first confusing text stopped and if you stopped and asked yourself that one important question about the intention to cause offense.

Imagine that you could not say with 100% certainty that the person who sent the text intended to offend you. Then imagine if instead of jumping to conclusions, you ask for clarity.

Imagine if you stopped and considered the possibility that the other person didn’t mean to offend you. Imagine if you sent a text back, or even better, made a phone call to check on what the other person actually meant to say in the first place.

Photographer: Brett Jordan | Source: UnsplashRelationships can be saved by taking a pause before acting

The whole issue could have been quickly and easily resolved and the relationship could have been salvaged. It’s that simple.

And that’s why it’s so sad when we jump to conclusions and make assumptions. When the solution is so readily available, it’s tragic to lose a relationship over a silly misunderstanding.

In this world of instant everything, we need to build in pauses. We need to stop and tune in to ourselves when something bothers us or upsets us.

We need to ask ourselves if we’re 100% sure about what’s going on or if we need clarification. In my experience, the vast majority of the time we need to seek clarification.

It’s very simple to ask for clarification. This is what you can say: “I got your text but I wasn’t sure what you meant by it. Could you please explain.”

Or, “in our last conversation, you said something that I’m not sure I understood. Could you please explain.”

Photographer: Mimi Thian | Source: UnsplashClarification involves asking and listening

And then, you need to listen to the other person’s answer. And you need to keep seeking clarification in a polite and neutral manner until you’re sure that you understand what they meant.

One of the advantages of seeking clarification, as opposed to jumping to conclusions, is that the other person is not likely to go on the defensive when you ask a simple question like that. They’re more likely to just answer your question. Imagine how many relationships could be saved if we all did this.

The moral of the story is that tuning in to our feelings and noticing when we feel upset or hurt is very important because it will prevent us from making dangerous assumptions.

Taking the time to notice our feelings and then to ask ourselves what we think just happened is the first step in preventing tragic misunderstandings.

Seeking clarity is the next and equally crucial step in salvaging our relationships. When we ask for clarification we prevent hurt feelings and are able to maintain healthy, long-lasting personal and professional interactions. Isn’t that what everybody wants?

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Subscribe to my YouTube Channel where you’ll learn simple tips for taking the best care of yourself and your loved ones.

Tune in to my Ruthless Compassion Podcast where I go in-depth about topics like mental health, trauma, and loneliness.

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How to Set Healthy Boundaries

This is an updated version of my old article Establishing Healthy Boundaries.

A lot of people have really bad boundaries these days

Over the years, one of the things I’ve noticed is that a lot of people have really poor boundaries. They don’t actually think about the idea of boundaries as they go about their lives and they don’t realize how important it is to have healthy ones.

The reason why boundaries are so important is because they keep us safe. They keep our relationships clear and they make all the expectations obvious. Without healthy boundaries, things can become complicated and confused and all sorts of problems can ensue.

An example I can recall of poor boundaries is when, years ago, I attended a friend’s wedding and the groom’s therapist was a guest there. This was before I did my psychiatry residency but even so, I was horrified to see this man’s therapist at his wedding.

I perceived it as a boundary violation because the therapist knew all sorts of deeply personal details about the groom and about his relationship with the bride and she was at a social event with all of his friends and family.

This did not seem at all appropriate to me. Someone who knows that much intimate information about another person without it being a reciprocal relationship should not be socializing with them.

Source: Pexels.comTherapists who socialize with their clients are violating their boundaries

In general, once you are seeing a therapist, they should never socialize with you or do anything with you that is not part of the therapy. The power dynamic is so one-sided.

The therapist is privy to more personal information than the average friend or family member would ever have, and has more influence and impact on the client’s life than almost anyone else. This is not someone who could ever be a friend.

Another example of a boundary violation would be when a boss would become friends with an employee. I have seen this happen on far too many occasions, and it has almost never worked out.

The problem is that the boss has the power to fire the employee if they are displeased with anything they do. They can make the employee’s life miserable if the employee doesn’t do what they want. How could this create the context for a normal friendship? It is totally one-sided.

Another obvious boundary violation is when a person in a position of power becomes overly familiar, seductive, or touchy-feely with someone in a subordinate position.

The person in the one-down position is caught between a rock and a hard place. They know that if they object to the other person’s behaviour, they could suffer consequences. All of these behaviours constitute abuse.

Source: Pexels.comSocial media promotes bad boundaries

In our new normal, social media supports the blurring of boundaries. People overshare deeply personal information online with no thought to the consequences of this behaviour. This encourages others to do the same, so that more and more people are ignoring their own and each other’s boundaries.

When we don’t have healthy boundaries, we put ourselves at risk of getting hurt. People can take liberties with our bodies and our secrets. We make it easier for people to abuse their power over us.

We can have role confusion and we can end up doing someone else’s job or putting ourselves in danger in the workplace of getting fired or in our social life of getting exploited or mistreated.

Source: Pexels.comHealthy boundaries empower us to have healthy relationships

We need to re-learn healthy boundaries so that we can have healthy personal and professional relationships. It’s not that complicated to do so but it takes some conscious intention.

A common reason why people have poor boundaries is that many of us have encountered boundary violations during our childhood. What do these consist of?

They could be the experience or the witnessing of emotional, physical or sexual abuse. They could be when a person in a position of power, like a teacher, a coach or a parent shared inappropriate personal information with a child and made them feel burdened and overwhelmed because they didn’t know what to do with this information.

They could be a parent asking their child to take on the parental role and be their emotional care-taker. All of these things can be confusing to a young person as to where normal boundaries should be set, and what to expect from other people around these boundaries.

So, what are you to do if people disregarded your boundaries when you were growing up or if you’ve been spending so much time on social media that the concept of boundaries doesn’t seem to exist?

The first thing is to recognize that you have a right to your privacy and personal space. You have a right to stay in your own role, whether it’s that of friend, colleague, employee or boss.

You are not obliged to take care of the person who has more power than you. You don’t have to be pals with your employer. You also have a choice about what you let another person share with you. If you feel uncomfortable about what you’re hearing, you can stop listening.

Photographer: Caleb Woods | Source: UnsplashBoundary violations in childhood can be healed

Knowing that your boundaries are yours to protect, you can begin making different choices as an adult. You can see that you don’t need to reveal intimate details about yourself to people until and unless you know them and trust them well.

You don’t need to engage in any type of intimate activity with anyone until you have established that they respect you and that you feel safe and comfortable with them.

Understanding your rights around your boundaries means that you take your time getting to know people and making sure that there is a reason and a context for any type of communication or contact that is more than just casual.

Broken boundaries can be healed. It takes time, and it can be somewhat uncomfortable; if only because it means facing the fact that your boundaries were disrespected in the first place.

Source: Pexels.comSelf-compassion is necessary in building better boundaries

It can also be upsetting to realize that you’ve been neglecting your own boundaries. It’s important to understand the reasons for this and to forgive yourself for it.

If you haven’t been able to set good boundaries in your life, it’s not your fault. It’s because of what you experienced while growing up and it’s because social media strongly encourages everyone to violate their own boundaries.

Being compassionate toward yourself around your not-so-good boundaries will go a long way in helping you to heal, and in helping you understand what constitute healthy boundaries. This will allow you to feel safer and more empowered in all of your relationships.

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Sign up here for my free biweekly wellness newsletter that brings you fresh, thought-provoking content.

Subscribe to my YouTube Channel where you’ll learn simple tips for taking the best care of yourself and your loved ones.

Tune in to my Ruthless Compassion Podcast where I go in-depth about topics like mental health, trauma, and loneliness.

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Bling Empire Shows That Money Doesn’t Make you Happy

Bling Empire is about extremely wealthy people who exhibit a tremendous degree of psychological dysfunction.

I find the show Bling Empire fascinating. It’s a show about extremely wealthy people who exhibit a tremendous degree of psychological dysfunction. It’s impossible to know how much of it is authentic and how much of it is scripted but the characters would have to be incredible actors to demonstrate the specific psychological issues that I’ve been noticing.

As a psychiatrist with a few decades of practice, it’s not difficult for me to get a sense of where someone is at psychologically if I have an opportunity to observe them over a period of time. I don’t feel bad making comments on the cast’s behaviour because they have chosen to be on reality TV for everyone to watch. Viewing the second season has confirmed many of the hunches I had about the characters from season 1.

Source: Pexels.comIt’s impossible to know how much of Bling Empire is authentic and how much of it is scripted

The first person I want to talk about is the character Kane. Again, I can’t know how much of his behaviour on the show is authentic but I suspect that it’s real because it would be very hard for him to fake it.

Initially, Kane seemed like a good friend, but in season 2 he came across as someone who was completely incapable of taking any kind of constructive criticism. When anyone tried to give him feedback about his bad behaviour, he became instantly defensive and refused to engage. This seems like a person who is so frightened of facing himself that he deflects all attempts at healthy confrontation.

The other issue with Kane, is that he appears to engage in an awful lot of gossiping. He took confidences from one person and shared them with other people. He seems to constantly revel in telling one person’s secrets to another.

People who are happy, confident, and who have inner peace don’t tend to gossip and don’t tend to be defensive. From Kane’s behaviour, I have to conclude that he is not a happy person and that he engages in gossip as a way to gain social points. Unfortunately, it’s just making more trouble for him and his life as it appears that his friends are starting to lose trust in him.

Source: Pexels.comKim does not seem capable of having an honest and open dialogue

Another character who’s problematic is Kim. She has been playing hot and cold with Kevin. Initially, she refused to go out with him, and then she relented. They had an excellent date where they got to know each other better, but after that, she subjected him to a lie detector test to make sure she could trust him. Even when he passed the test with flying colours, she told him that she couldn’t continue going out with him.

Kim revealed that she had been dating a famous singer previously and that he’d cheated on her. It seems like that experience really undermined her ability to trust men. It didn’t help that Kane came in and stirred the pot, accusing Kevin of sleeping with another woman a week before their date. Kim chose to believe Kane, the trouble-maker, rather than Kevin who seems to be a nice guy and an honest one.

Kim did not seem capable of having an honest and open dialogue with Kevin about her feelings. It’s unclear why she chose to go out with him at all, given her anxiety around betrayal. It’s also strange that she would believe Kane and not believe Kevin even after he passed the lie detector test.

Kim is beautiful, successful, wealthy, and troubled. All of her wealth and fame have not enabled her to have a successful romantic relationship with a good guy.

Source: Pexels.comThese are not happy people

Finally, I want to talk about the conflict between the characters Christine and Anna. It’s not clear why they have so much animosity between them. They seem competitive toward one-another and in season 1, Anna appeared to be deeply offended when Christine showed up at her party wearing the same necklace that Anna had just purchased. That seems to have been an unforgivable offense.

All the drama between Anna and Christine is great for TV and makes for fun watching for the viewers. However, as a psychiatrist, it makes me sad to see these women who have every luxury imaginable but they are still engaging in this petty rivalry. All their wealth doesn’t buffer them from these nasty fights. Anna seems enraged by Christine’s behaviour, and Christine was sobbing over something that Anna supposedly had said. These are not happy people.

Source: Pexels.comDespite their enormous wealth, they don’t seem to be accessing the kind of help that would enable them to live more joyfully

We watch shows like Bling Empire because we want to live vicariously in a world of wealth, luxury and glamour. But what we see is that all the wealth doesn’t make any of these characters happy. They are in dysfunctional romantic relationships (Kelly’s attachment to her ex-boyfriend is a good example of that). They are unable to process their emotions. They don’t know how to sort out their differences. They seem jealous and resentful of one-another.

Rather than making them happier and more peaceful within, they seem to be more frustrated and stressed. They compulsively go shopping as though consuming more fancy stuff will somehow fill the emptiness inside them. They don’t seem to have conversations about anything meaningful. Their world as portrayed in Bling Empire is all about superficial acquisitiveness as opposed to having some type of true fulfillment in their lives.

I feel sad for these people. Most of them would probably benefit from some good psychotherapy. Unfortunately, despite their enormous wealth, they don’t seem to be accessing the kind of help that would enable them to live more joyful, purposeful and satisfying lives. The moral of the story is that we only need enough money to survive. More money makes more problems.

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Will Smith’s Slap Shows Us the Importance of Self-Control

The Slap that was heard around the world

I don’t think anybody anywhere hasn’t at least heard about Will Smith slapping Chris Rock at the Oscar ceremonies on Sunday, March 27th. It was a shocking thing to witness at the time and it has left many of us thinking about the implications of Will Smith’s actions.

First of all, I want to say that I think Chris Rock’s joke at the expense of Jada Pinkett Smith was in extremely poor taste. The theory of comedy is that you should always punch up, but in picking on Jada Smith's disability, Chris Rock was clearly punching down. That is simply cruel and unnecessary, especially in the context of such a huge platform as the Oscars ceremony.

It's understandable that Jada Pinkett Smith would be offended by Chris’ joke and it's even more understandable that her husband, Will Smith would not like it. However, the cameras were on Will Smith’s face after Chris Rock made the joke and he was clearly chuckling. Then, the cameras turned to Jada Pinkett Smith’s face and she was clearly frowning at her husband's reaction. It makes me wonder if Will Smith’s behaviour after that stemmed from overcompensating and trying to prove to his wife that he was a good husband.

Source: Pexels.comSelf-control is an essential adult function

Over the years as a psychotherapist, I have learned that most of the time, adults are capable of controlling their urges and impulses. As we grow up, our adult identity is strengthened and we are able to think before we act and consider the consequences of our behaviour in advance. Some of us, however, have more difficulty in doing so.

People with addictions struggle to control their urges and impulses because they have emotional or physiological dependencies on certain substances or behaviours. Some people have severe personality disorders, and these individuals are rarely in control of their impulses. As a result, they get into a lot of trouble in their lives.

Some people who have mental health issues occasionally lose control of their impulses and can do things that are embarrassing to themselves or hurtful to others. These people are unwell and although they don’t want to behave this way, occasionally, they find it very difficult to avoid it.

Source: Pexels.comBeing a healthy adult means controlling our impulses

Healthy adults with an intact ego tend to have pretty good impulse control. We might have thoughts about doing something; we might even have a strong urge to do it, but we resist it because we know that it is not appropriate or healthy and we know that there might be consequences to us if we act on this impulse.

However, even the most healthy adult with the most intact ego can occasionally lose control. This would happen under very specific circumstances in which the individual is either under a lot of stress or they are in a weakened state; for example, if they are ill or injured or extremely afraid.

It could happen if someone is under the influence of drugs or alcohol or has some type of brain disorder such as dementia or delirium. It could also happen if the person is suffering from deep shame or guilt because these kinds of strong emotions can be disinhibiting.

The Oscars are an extremely stressful environment, especially if you are up for an award. Perhaps Will Smith was not at his best to begin with because of the circumstances. And then, add in the possibility of his shame about laughing at Chris Rock’s joke in front of his wife and you can see how he was set up to react impulsively.

It’s possible that the combination of his stress around being an Oscar nominee and his desire to prove himself a good husband led him to taking extreme action toward Chris Rock. Even so, he should never have behaved this way.

Source: Pexels.comThere is never any excuse for a violent response

My opinion is that there is never, ever any excuse for a violent response to someone else's bad behaviour. The only time that violence is appropriate is in self-defence when our safety or our lives are threatened, or if the safety or lives of our loved ones are threatened. Clearly, Will Smith and his family were under no threat when Chris Rock made that extremely tasteless joke.

I think that Will Smith could have handled the situation in a much better manner. If he had been chuckling at the joke and then his wife got upset with him, he could have taken her aside and apologised to her, and acknowledged that he was being insensitive. He could have said that the stress of being nominated for an Oscar had made him less attuned to her feelings and he could have promised to make amends.

Will Smith could have indicated his disapproval and displeasure to Chris Rock by shaking his head when he heard the joke. He could have said something later, whether during his acceptance speech or at the press conference following the award. He could have made a statement on Instagram expressing his displeasure at Chris Rock’s joke. What he never should have done was resort to violence. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Photographer: Matthias Wagner | Source: UnsplashComedians now are frightened about being assaulted over their jokes

Ever since the Oscars, people have been saying that when Will Smith hit Chris Rock over a joke he found offensive it has given permission to other people to assault comedians over jokes they don’t like. This is a very dangerous precedent. I sincerely hope that we will not see other instances of violence toward comedians who say things that people consider to be distasteful.

We should never respond with violence to things that bother us. We are grown-ups, we are intelligent, and we can use our words. I wish that Will Smith had been able to use his words at the Oscars. And I hope that in general, people start using their words when they get upset at something another person says or does.

Chris Rock has not yet come out publicly to express his thoughts on this matter. I would hope that he would apologise sincerely to Ms. Smith for his hurtful remarks. We should never pick on people who have a disability. That is simply unacceptable. His joke about Jada Pinkett Smith opens the door for other comedians to attack those who are suffering from some type of flaw in their appearance.

I would hope that Chris Rock recognizes that picking on women around their appearance and especially picking on women of colour around their appearance is not what our society needs right now. In 2022, isn’t it finally time to stop attacking women over how they look?

On the other hand, I do feel that the way Chris Rock responded to the assault on him at the Oscars was very classy and I hope he can continue to be classy when he finally speaks out on the matter.

Photographer: Ümit Bulut | Source: UnsplashWill Smith's behaviour demonstrates the need to always stay mindful

Will Smith reacting with violence to a joke in poor taste shows us that anyone is capable of losing control of their impulses. It shows us how important it is for us to stay grounded and mindful even in the most stressful of situations.

People might occasionally say things to us that are deeply offensive; circumstances that we’re in might be extremely stressful, and we might not be at our very best in the moment. However, we are all responsible for keeping our impulses in check, regardless of how angry, offended, frightened or stressed we feel. After all, isn't that what it means to be an adult?

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Why Walking Outside is Great for Your Body, Mind, and Spirit

I love to walk, and I love that it’s good for me

I love walking and I try to do it as much as I can. That was why I was happy to see an article in the New York Times this week about how walking just 10 minutes a day may lead to a longer life.

The article referred to a study, just published in JAMA Internal Medicine, that demonstrated how just a small amount of additional exercise by everyone each day could prevent hundreds of thousands of premature deaths over the coming years.

Those results don’t surprise me, as we don’t have to look far to see the alarming statistics around cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and obesity. An article on MedlinePlus shows the health risks of an inactive, “couch potato” lifestyle, and it offers some simple ways to increase your level of activity, including going for regular walks.

Photographer: Inside Weather | Source: UnsplashSitting is the new smoking

We live in an increasingly sedentary society. In fact, a 2019 article by the heart association asked the question, Is Sitting the New Smoking? This article found that people who sit the most, compared to people who sit the least, have a greater risk of disease and death.

When the COVID restrictions had us all locked away in our homes, many people turned to walking as a way to get outside into the fresh air, see our friends and neighbours, and have some much-needed exercise. After spending the entire day on Zoom calls, many of us craved a brisk walk through the neighourhood.

I love walking for so many reasons. Aside from the fact that it makes me feel better physically, it does so much more. Walking helps me to connect with my environment. I’ve lived in this area for almost twenty years, but I never knew how beautiful it was until I started walking.

I’ve enjoyed seeing the huge old trees, looking at the different houses, and watching the gardens come out in the spring. I’ve encountered many of my neighbours, and their dogs, and it’s given me a much greater sense of grounding and connection to place.

Photographer: Robert Katzki | Source: UnsplashWalking outside connects me to nature and the seasons

I’ve had a stronger appreciation of the four seasons here in Toronto. Walking through rain, snow, sunny days, and cloudy ones; watching the leaves turn red and fall to the ground, and then seeing then the buds come out and turn into new leaves—all of it has left me feeling so much more connected to the earth and the seasons.

The smell of wet mud in the spring, then the scent of new flowers, and then the smell of the fall rains—all of that is very meaningful to me. Smell is a powerful sense that evokes memory and emotion. Connecting with nature has been a delightful gift, enriching and soothing to my spirit.

Walking is a great exercise because it’s so meditative. I’ve worked on my novels on my walks, figuring out problems, writing lines of dialogue in my head, and imagining new scenes. My mind clears as I walk outside, enabling my creativity to flow freely.

I also use the time during my walks to problem-solve in other ways, sorting out any issues I might have in my life. The rhythm and ease of walking enables me to find solutions that I couldn’t have imagined while sitting still.

Photographer: Henry Ravenscroft | Source: UnsplashWalking is social and a great way to resolve issues with someone

Walking is also a great way to socialize with a friend or loved one. Instead of sitting down and eating or doing something passive like watching a movie or a concert, walking is an activity we can share. It can become a powerful bonding activity. Walking your dog is a great way to deepen your connection with them.

I find that talking to someone about a difficult topic is always so much easier when we do it while walking. I tend to be more articulate when I’m walking, and the other person tends to be more open and receptive. Walking makes difficult conversations that much easier.

Walking connects me with my body in a positive way. In a society so obsessed with size and shape, walking makes me feel good in my body in a way that has nothing to do with these things.

I enjoy putting one foot in front of the other; swinging my arms, standing up straight with my shoulders back. I feel happy in my body without judgment or the desire for anything to change. And paradoxically, as I walk, my body does change.

I’ve found that walking is one of the best exercises for maintaining a healthy weight. As a mature woman, I can no longer eat whatever I want and sit around doing nothing and stay skinny.

Photographer: Bruno Nascimento | Source: UnsplashWalking helps me stay strong and healthy

These days, I have to work at keeping my muscles and bones strong and my weight stable. Walking is an easy way to maintain fitness and boost my metabolism without having to restrict my eating or engage in intensive workouts.

With walking, my body fat is slowly converting to muscle; my bone density is constantly improving, and I can eat a bowl of pasta without it going straight to my hips.

I do find that walking can tighten certain muscle groups, but my morning yoga routine seems to balance that out perfectly. Walking forces us to stretch and maintain flexibility, which can only be a good thing.

Wednesday, April 6 is National Walking Day, and I invite everyone to get outside and go for a walk that day. If you like it, keep on walking. You won’t regret it. I’ll be out there, too.

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