Neil Pasricha's Blog, page 190

#777 Inspecting the nutritional label … and eating it anyway

Sometimes you just gotta peek.

As you unwrap the Lindt truffle, peel open the McDonald’s cheeseburger, or scoop that second bowl of ice cream, you can’t help turn the package around to glance at the nutritional information panel on the back.

And guess what’s waiting for you over there? You got it, baby: 64% of your daily saturated fat intake, 76% of your cholesterol, and a couple big buckets of carbs.

Then there’s the quick pause, involuntary eye-twitch, or guilty look at the person munching salad beside you. But I hope after that brief moment of self-doubt, you just keep going, man, you just keep scooping it in. Sure, you might have to turn the label away, avoid sodium for the rest of the day, or give your shoulders a shrug to say “Hey, it’s okay,” but I hope you keep going, hope you savor it slowly, and hope you enjoy every last bite.

Sometimes you just gotta read the nutritional label and eat it anyway.

Sometimes … you just gotta live.

AWESOME!

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#778 Unjammer Man

A jammed photocopier is a terrible scene.

Yes, toner fumes fill the air, plastic doors are swung open, and crumpled papers lay wedged tightly in the Xerox machine’s Plinko board torso of hot springs and bright green clasps.

And there you stand at the scene of the crime in your pleated pants and button-down shirt. Yeah, I’m guessing the last thing you feel like doing right about now is dropping to your hands and knees and poking your fingers into a steaming engine of paper trays and twirly knobs.

That’s what makes it so great when a bugle blares softly in the background and out pops the King Of The Office from around the cubicle wall. Yes, it’s Unjammer-Man, that young techie kid from the IT department who can de-clog the photocopier in no time flat and is happy to lend a hand.

Your lips curl into a big smile as you hug your expense report and watch him do the deed. Knobs are twiddled, clasps are fiddled, and soon the photocopier is humming like it’s a brand new day. Yes, now that someone’s unjammed the photocopier for you, you’re back in business, baby.

And you’re loving it.

AWESOME!

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#779 Getting into clean sheets right after shaving your legs

Stubble-free legs and cool, clean sheets combine to form a silky-smooth ride into Dreamland.

AWESOME!

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#780 Squeezing through a door as it’s shutting like Indiana Jones

Tiny squirts of adrenaline pump into your bloodstream when you pull off this classic move.

Yes, suddenly you morph from Guy Walking To The Subway After Work into Indiana Jones In That Scene Where He Slides Under The Wall At The Last Second. Your hands stay clean, your strut stays mean, and you zip through that closing door and don’t look back, hoping it doesn’t nail an old lady in the face behind you.

AWESOME!

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#781 Guys who wear no shirts at freezing cold sporting events

Now that’s commitment.

AWESOME!

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#782 Squeezing cookie batter with your bare hands

Yeah, yeah, health nuts, we know, we know.

Hands are the dirtiest part of our body — turning doorknobs, flushing toilets, shaking hands all day in a hot, neverending exchange of sweat, grime, and bacteria. And yes, those germs form tiny Ewok Villages in the cracks of our palm and corners of our fingernails and leap at any opportunity to settle down in a new home.

Germophobes of the world, we hear your warning. But we can’t heed your warning..

.Sure, some of us start with good intentions — mixing patiently with a fork as raw eggs slide everywhere, butter clumps up, and big flour towers stand tall on the sides of the bowl. But even those folks hit a wall eventually and just toss the fork in the sink, roll up their sleeves, and dive right into the batter fingers first..

.But after it’s all over we slop those blobs on a baking pan and throw them right in the cooker for some fine tastin’..Completely unsanitary..Completely delicious..AWESOME!.

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#783 Knowing all the buttons to skip through the annoying automated telephone system

If you’ve called your work voicemail system or local phone company so many times that you know how to jump through all the hoops to get right where you want, then you can Press 1 for being

AWESOME!

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#784 When celebrities give their babies strange names

My old roommate Joey had a theory about names.

“Basically, everybody should get to pick their own,” he said one Sunday morning, lazily sprawled across the couch flipping channels, his pale and hairy belly sticking out of his undershirt. “I mean, why should the biggest part of my personal identity be chosen by somebody else? Sure, you’d have a lot of six-year-olds named Superman, but we’d consider it a placeholder until they changed it to reflect their personality.”

He then sealed his airtight argument with a giant belch that filled the room with the smell of midnight gyros and we didn’t talk about it again.

Until now.

It’s been a few years, but I’m starting to wonder if Joey had a point there somewhere. Parents pick your name for you, and sometimes they come up with pretty strange ideas. But is there anything wrong with unique names? Well, maybe, maybe not. For thought-provoking discussion, let’s ask these celebrities:

10. Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin – Apple. There’s something a little ripe about naming your kid after a piece of fruit. Just ask my friend Pear Rodriguez.

9. Shannyn Sossamon – Audio Science. Says the actress from A Knight’s Tale in an : “We wanted a word, not a name, so my boyfriend read through the dictionary three or four times.” Hey, I guess that works. And maybe one day the little slugger will grow up to be a high-end amplifier. Ba-dum-ching!
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8. Robert Rodriguez – Rocket, Racer, Rebel, and Rogue. Dad will be so upset if Rocket becomes a plumber instead of developing the team into a band of caped crusaders.
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7. David and Victoria Beckham – Brooklyn and Ashlee Simpson – Bronx. Now, Bronx is a standalone and the plus side of Brooklyn is that it’s easily split into both Brook and Lyn, making both slightly better choices than Staten Island.
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6. George Foreman – George, George, George, George, and George. The Grillman’s kids don’t have strange names, but they do all have the same one. Big George differentiates by number and has also given each a nickname: Monk, Red, Joe, Little George, and Big Wheel.
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5. The Edge – Blue Angel. I guess Lisa, Jennifer, and Sue are automatically out if your name starts with The.
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4. Bob Geldof and Paula Yates – Fifi Trixibelle, Little Pixie, Peaches Honeyblossom, and Luscious Tropical Mango. This obviously cranks the fruit-named theme up a few notches. Personally, I think Peaches is pretty sweet, though.
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3. Jason Lee – Pilot Inspektor. Jason says he got the name from a Grandaddy song he likes called “He’s Simple, He’s Dumb, He’s The Pilot.” That explains the Pilot part, anyway. As for Inspektor, we can only assume he was trying to differentiate from all the kids named Inspector.
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2. Jermaine Jackson – Jermajesty. Talk about leading a royally confusing life. “Did you want pickles on the side, Jermajesty?” Maybe Jermaine should’ve done what brother Michael did with his baby Prince 2, which is give him a more accessible nickname like Blanket.
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1. Frank Zappa – Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet, and Diva Muffin. Now I can’t be the only person out there who wants to be called Dweezil. Which Zappa would you be?
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Well hey, listen, obviously baby names are getting more creative and celebrities are once again leading the charge. So do you agree with Joey and think we should all just pick our own then? Or do you think these names are beautiful and we should be happy getting what we got?
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All I’m going to say is the jury’s still out, but if you’ve got a name you like, a name that fits you and you fit, then give three cheers and call your folks. After all, they had to make a big pick without you. And if they nailed it, make sure you give them a hug and let them know you’re digging the you-you.
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Parents of the world, naming your newbie seems like a tough gig. For giving it thought and pulling it off so your kids grow old and love what they got, well today we call you
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AWESOME!
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#785 Falling asleep in the backseat of a car on a long drive home late at night

Moonlit skies, stained plush seats, and a quietly revving engine combine to form a perfectly cozy late night bed on the long drive home.

Whether you’re a baby in a carseat, a teen getting a lift from the party, or Grandma cabbing home from Bingo, there’s nothing like drifting into dreamland in that rusty Volvo on the slow and swervy country back roads.

Yes, those tires rumble over empty lanes as headlights pop up over hilltops, warm your eyelids, then whoosh past, leaving the entire car dark except for the faint glow from the distant dashboard clock.

And if you’re little and you’re lucky, you might even score the Bonus Version Super-Finish at the end of the trip, which includes pre-wearing pajamas under your winter coat and getting carried up to your bed by mom or dad after pulling into the driveway.

Now that’s service.

AWESOME!

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#786 When people congratulate you for doing a good job on something you love doing

Polar ice caps are melting, pirates are storming the seas, wars are heating up around the world, and the stock market is in a deep freeze.

Dude, it’s getting pretty ugly out there.

If you’re like me, sometimes you think about putting on boots and a raincoat, battening down the hatches, and hiding under the bed. If you’re like me, the only reason you haven’t yet is because you don’t know what hatches are, you’ve never battened anything before, and boots are pretty expensive.

Now, we started up 1000 Awesome Things as a tiny getaway from this everyday. It’s just a brief escape from the downpour of bad news and sad news raining upon us, and I’m just some guy trying to remind myself of the simple things in life. Together we help create a place where unemployment figures, gun crimes, and rising sea levels sit backseat to wearing underwear just out of the dryer, the other side of the pillow, and old, dangerous playground equipment.

A few years ago, some nice folks sitting in lawn chairs and sipping lemonade down at the International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences truck stop decided to nominate us for a Webby Award in the category of Best Blog – Culture/Personal. It was an extremely surprising and humbling gesture, and so I just wanted to stop for a day to say thanks.

Because honestly, getting recognized for doing something you love is a great feeling. Whether it’s a friendly ass-slap from the third base coach after your big home run, the long and loud applause from your grandparents after your screechy clarinet solo, or a simple “I had a great time” comment from someone you had a great time with too, well that’s what it’s all about.

So today I say thanks, everybody.

Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting, thanks for submitting ideas. Thanks for raising this barn, thanks for voting this blog up, and thanks for being a community of fun-loving, eyes-to-skies optimists. Since regardless of race, taste, home country, or pant size, the eggheads at Wikipedia say 99.9% of our DNA is the same, we’re all living together on this spinning, blue rock trucking along on the same bumpy ride.

And I guess I just want to say it’s great trucking along with all of you.

Thank you so much for being

AWESOME!

(UPDATE: We won the Webby Award for Best Blog!)

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