Neil Pasricha's Blog, page 147

#349 Putting a Santa hat on your dog or grandparent

It’s party time.

And those Christmas sweaters are just the beginning.

I mean sure, tossing on a thick woolly for the holiday party is a sure way to spread the cheer — especially if your sweater features hypnotic swirls of red and green, a giant floating snowman head, or an intense action sequence of Santa flying his reindeer through a blizzard.

But to really get that party going and that eggnog flowing you’ve got to crank it up a notch. Yes, we’re talking about tossing a Santa cap on your golden retriever or grandpa, we’re talking about tossing one on your labradoodle or grandma, and we’re talking about everyone donning their gay apparel to whip this holiday bash into a whole new level of

AWESOME!

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#350 Just barely wrapping a gift with some tiny scrap of leftover wrapping paper

Thanks, jewelry box, random bar of soap, and chocolate orange.

You came through in the clutch to help use the final shredded scrap of wrap.

AWESOME!

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#351 Drinking with your Grandma

It’s time for some intergenerational egg nogging.

Get ready to light the yule log, sail the gravy boat, and get your eighty-five pound grandmother a sloshy glass of rummy nog.

Now, whatever your age, whatever your tastes, whatever your pleasures, whatever your fates, let’s all agree on one thing today: grabbing an occasional festive drink with your mom’s mom or your son’s son bridges boundaries and crosses divides.

Once upon your time your grandma used to boogie. Once upon a time your grandma threw it down. I’m saying before you danced on tables, she danced on them too. And before you learned to mix things, she was mixing two.

So when the holidays hit and the families combine it’s time to bring out the punch bowl and time to have a good time. Because we’re not here forever and we’re not here very long. We don’t get many chances so toss one back before granny’s gone.

I never knew my grandparents but I heard stories they were great… so I know if they were here now we’d party hard before it got too late.

AWESOME!

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#352 Successfully regifting a present to someone who actually wants it

What do cellophane-wrapped mugs of mini candy canes, Season 3 of Mr. Belvedere on DVD, and framed photos of someone else’s dog have in common?

They’re just what we never wanted.

But that’s okay, that’s okay — because someone else might! Yes, now it’s time for some Regifting Magic, people. It’s time to regift like you’ve never regifted before. You’re a regifting machine if you follow these three steps to freedom:

1. Smile sweetly. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Instead, look them in the eyes while saying thank you over and over. You may also find it helpful to practice these lines (for these items): “I’ve been meaning to try that place!” (gift card to Taco Bell), “How did you know I liked puke green!” (puke green sweater), and “It’s perfect, it’s perfect — honestly, how have I even been wearing shoes all these years!?” (shoehorn)

2. Add it to your gifts-to-give pile. When you get home make sure to write a thank-you card promptly and then toss the gift in the closet with your motorized self-twirling spaghetti fork, Streetlamps of the World page-a-day calendar, and novelty light-up ceramic angel. Let your inventory bulk up a bit so you’ve got good regift variety and be sure to hide the stash from future regiftees.

3. Annnnnnd… regift! This is the toughest step because you only truly succeed in regifting when you’re about 80-90% sure the regiftee will love the present. After all, there’s nothing wrong with gift cards to Taco Bell and light-up ceramic angels. It’s just that one goes to your backwards-cap skateboarding rascal of a little cousin and the other goes to your Grandma who loves tacos.

AWESOME!

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#353 Seeing Christmas trees through front windows

AWESOME!

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#354 When the neighbor shovels your tiny little patch of the sidewalk

Sidewalks bring us together.

Fences split yards, lawns divide homes, and invisible property lines are scribbled on dusty blueprints in city archives. But somehow those little strips of concrete tie us all together and connect the dots between our lives.

It’s a beautiful moment when a friendly neighbor shovels the snow off of your walk after a winter snowstorm. Swaddled in snow-packed mitts, sweaty scarves, and salty boots, they’re just lending a helping hand of kindness and some friendly season’s greetings.

AWESOME!

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#355 Construction cranes with Christmas lights on them

They’re not selling anything.

Nope, Christmas lights on construction cranes just smile down on the city and cover us all in a warm and festive light. Flickering in the sky, flashing way up high, they hug us all together in a friendly yellow glow.

On top of that, it’s sort of fun thinking about how they got there too. Doesn’t it seem kind of dangerous? It’s like someone risked their lives just putting up lights for the people.

Thanks Spiderman!

AWESOME!

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#356 Wearing your boyfriend’s sweatshirt and it smells like them

Ripped sleeves, tattered collars, and faded prints tossed in crumpled piles on the bedroom floor hold meaningful memories of tender touches. Twisting on the couch for a movie, stirring over the stove at dinner, or napping together in the park … all come together to fan the flames of your heart.

Tossing on your boyfriend’s baggy sweatshirt feels like you’re giving them a hug.

Close your eyes and smell the love.

AWESOME!

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#357 When that baby screaming on your flight finally stops

Look, I love babies.

Sure, we laugh, high five, sing songs, and play cars. We talk, read books, dream dreams, and stare at stars.

But one thing we agree to disagree on is proper behavior on overnight transatlantic flights. Me, I like sleeping. Them, they like screaming for hours on the lap beside me.

Generally when this happens all I can do is focus all my energy on sending silent signals to their brain and hoping my message finally gets through.

Stop crying stop crying stop crying stop crying stop crying.

AWESOME!

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#358 When you sneeze and fart at the same time so nobody notices the fart

It’s like getting away with something illegal.

AWESOME!

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