Ryk E. Spoor's Blog, page 64

On My Shelves: King Khan

 

     King Khan is a novel by Harry Connolly, author of Child of Fire and other stories in the Twenty Palaces universe. I’ve reviewed Child of Fire elsewhere, and as I said there it was an excellent read, but riding my tolerance for dark material closely, presenting a gritty, horrific universe where even the protagonist can’t avoid getting his hands … and the rest of him… dirty in more ways than one.

 

     King Khan is almost the polar opposite of the Twenty Palaces universe. While Harry’s deft mastery of language is still evident, and there are still individual scenes and phenomena whose nature and horrific momentary imagery remind us just who it is that’s writing this thing, overall, King Khan is exactly what it sets out to be – an exuberant romp that distills all the best of pulp fiction adventure into one single ludicrously entertaining masterpiece.

 

     Professor Khan is well-traveled, exceedingly well-spoken, kind, and wise – all told, the ideal gentleman of adventure, whose combined backstory adventures remind us of all of the classics of the historical literature from John Carter to Quatermain to Doc Savage.

 

     Khan also happens to be a gorilla. A very well-dressed and undoubtedly civilized gorilla, but a gorilla nonetheless, from a family of super-apes which attempted to conquer the world at one point. Despite some considerable prejudice against him, he is nonetheless a full professor in England, a respectable citizen with no major ambitions, it would seem, beyond imparting his knowledge to others and living a more peaceful life than he had.

 

     And then a golden arrow flies out of nowhere, nearly impaling him, and carrying a note in what appears to be his own handwriting.

 

     I won’t detail the plot; that would be both difficult and terribly spoilery. Suffice it to say that this is pulp fiction as it is best remembered, and very seldom truly was – steadily building suspense and mystery with dashing heroes, last-minute escapes, super-science of a dozen different flavors and all as preposterous as the 1930s ever managed (infra-violet lights, shrinking rays, super-stilts, and many more), set against the backdrop of the burgeoning film industry, and nods to everything from the luchadore tradition of Mexico to the alternatives in sexuality and outlook which would never have made it to the original pulps.

 

     I love Professor Khan; he is the type of main character I tend to like – clearly a superior specimen but never the sort to rub anyone’s face in it, yet with some weaknesses others may not suspect. Some of these come from being a gorilla; Harry’s clearly looked up some aspects of gorilla physiology and habits which point up some particular limitations of the otherwise frighteningly superior creatures; Khan’s sort of gorilla is also clearly enhanced in some ways, since a regular gorilla not only doesn’t have a genius intellect, but also isn’t physically capable of human speech or writing.

 

     Khan of course picks up various associates and sidekicks along the way – Bertie, son of one of his colleagues and the classic “earnest young man” who’s rather feckless but serves as a sounding board for Khan; Sylvia, the Damsel in Distress who is of course far more capable than she looks; and Officer Cross, a crooked cop with a penchant for violence. Together this unlikely crew is pitted against forces that turn out to threaten, not merely Professor Khan and Sylvia, but the entire world.

 

     I loved this book. I see there is a prequel (Khan of Mars) but written by another author, which does make me slightly hesitant to pick it up; Harry did this one so letter-perfect I’d be severely disappointed to find the other didn’t live up to it.

 

     In any case, this is a great book for any fan of classic pulp adventure; while there’s an occasional gentle dig at the original material, it’s all done with great affection and understanding. Pick this up… and, if you’re a roleplayer, pick up the game Spirit of the Century which was the reason that Harry wrote it in the first place!

 

 

 

 

 

On My Shelves: Equilibrium

 

“In the first years of the 21st century, a third World War broke out. Those of us who survived knew mankind could never survive a fourth; that our own volatile natures could simply no longer be risked. So we have created a new arm of the law: The Grammaton Cleric, whose sole task it is to seek out and eradicate the true source of man’s inhumanity to man – his ability to feel.”

 

     Equilibrium is a 2002 action-adventure set in a dystopic future in which humanity (or at least a large portion of it) has decided that the passions which drove us are what nearly caused our destruction, and so now everyone – from childhood on – is given a drug called Prozium, which leaves intellect and will unaffected but neutralizes emotion of all kinds. In such a world, of course, the greatest crime is to feel – sadness, love, hate, joy, even the wonder of artworks or the appeal of stories.

 

     John Preston is one of the enforcers in this new world, hunting down those who threaten the safety of the world by daring to revel in their emotionality. Preston is a Tetragrammaton Cleric (called a Grammaton Cleric, or simply Cleric, for short) trained in multiple martial arts but most of all in the art called the “gun katas”:

 

“The gun katas. Through analysis of thousands of recorded gunfights, the Cleric has determined that the geometric distribution of antagonists in any gun battle is a statistically predictable element. The gun kata treats the gun as a total weapon, each fluid position representing a maximum kill zone, inflicting maximum damage on the maximum number of opponents while keeping the defender clear of the statistically traditional trajectories of return fire. By the rote mastery of this art, your firing efficiency will rise by no less than 120%. The difference of a 63% increase to lethal proficiency makes the master of the gun katas an adversary not to be taken lightly.”

 

     This monologue is accompanied by a demonstration in-story, in which Preston takes out an incredible number of opponents in the dark, tracking them only by the flashes of the gunfire in the room and his knowledge, through the gun kata, of where they are and where they will fire.

 

     This is, of course, a patently ridiculous idea. Not only wouldn’t it work in detail, it wouldn’t even work as a concept.

 

     Except that, naturally, it is awesome on the screen.

 

     Equilibrium runs on two major fuels, atmosphere and awesome, in pretty much equal parts. John Preston is played by Christian Bale, who would later go on to play the Batman – and whose performance in this movie pretty much proved to me that he should play the Batman. Preston is a coldly handsome but utterly implacable enforcer until he accidentally misses a dose of Prozium and then encounters a particular group of “offenders” who have spent so much effort defending things (like works of art) that his dormant emotions begin to awaken while he tries to understand what they are doing and why.

 

     The rest of the movie is a tense cat-and-mouse game in which Preston must first hide his growing emotionality which he is coming to value, then come to terms with loss, and assist in the hunting of other “offenders” while actually looking for the small resistance that needs someone like him to reach the leaders of Libria, the new world order. The chill, gray atmosphere of Libria dominates the mood of this contest between Preston, his supposedly unemotional rivals, the resistance that is desperately hoping to bring Preston to their side, and those controlling the true power of Libria.

 

     This dark chess match is punctuated by duels of awesome, with the ludicrously cool gun kata featured heavily.

 

     Equilibrium is a movie that takes its cool so seriously that it substitutes for reason and logic. There are multiple points at which if I stopped and THOUGHT about what was happening, there were SO many holes in it that the entire movie would fall apart… and then my brain just said “shut up and watch!”. That’s some serious, serious cool factor, since usually things like that will get me to walk out at worst, and constantly whine at best.

 

     But instead, I just enjoyed the hell out of this movie. Equilibrium is a man-versus-dystopia film with somewhat similar spirit, if different plot, to “V for Vendetta”, but Preston fills the role of both V and Evey, both the avenger and the one that follows the path that leads to vengeance and liberation. It also has a completely awesome climax which has to be seen to be believed.

 

It’s well worth a watch or three!

 

 

 

 

On My Shelves: Bulletproof Monk

 

 

“An enlightened man would offer a weary traveler a bed for the night, and invite him to share a quiet conversation over a bowl of… Cocoa Puffs.”

 

     A martial arts action-comedy film starring Chow Yun Fat in a rare comedic role, Bulletproof Monk   belongs in the same general category as Big Trouble in Little China and Galaxy Quest – comedies that rely on making affectionate fun of the genre they are in, while taking their story seriously in the context of the film itself. As such, it is a tremendously fun movie, with all sorts of references to the action and martial arts movie genres, with enough seriousness to allow us to invest something into the characters and their struggles.

 

     The overall plot is – deliberately – constructed of some of the most durable and reliable clichés of action cinema. The film opens in 1943 with a young monk passing his final tests and becoming the keeper of a scroll of immense power – for 60 years it will make him nigh-invincible and capable of superhuman feats as well as maintaining his youth. But just as the transfer is complete, a force of Nazis arrives seeking the scroll; they kill almost everyone except the young monk, who escapes.

 

     The tests the young monk passed are those which must be passed for each new holder of the scroll: he must fight an army of enemies while cranes circle above, he must fight for love in the palace of jade, he must rescue brothers he never knew he had, and once chosen he gives up his name. Thus the Monk is only known as “Monk” throughout the film.

 

     Already we can see some of our favorite clichés being distilled into a single movie: ancient master passing on his power, a secret of world-shaking power that must be protected, Nazis trying to capture a supernatural power during WWII, the old master being killed in front of the young apprentice, and so on.

 

     Sixty years pass, and it is time for the Scroll’s power to be passed on. The Monk is looking for his successor… but there is someone else looking for the Monk, as they have been for sixty years…

 

     … as one might expect, these elements collide (literally) in New York City, when a young man whose name is only given as “Kar” runs into the Monk in a subway; the two save a girl who falls from the platform onto the tracks, which shows the Monk that Kar is, at heart, a good man (although he is also a thief).

 

     The following sequences are quietly hysterical at times. The Monk becomes an implacably cheerful stalker, following Kar to see if he might possibly be the successor the Monk is seeking. When Kar ends up fighting the entire set of enforcers of a ganglord in a loading area, the Monk suddenly looks up, then down, and realizes that Kar is “fighting an army of enemies while… cranes… circle above”.  He follows Kar to his home and discovers Kar’s martial-arts prowess comes from… studying martial-arts movies, and tests Kar’s patience and resolve by remaining in Kar’s home regardless of Kar’s objections (uttering, at one point, the line quoted above). There is of course also a girl, named Jade, who was one of the ganglord’s group but who had some sympathy for Kar… and is also more formidable than she appears. Kar and Jade are actually pretty much equally matched and as the Monk observes them, he starts to wonder which of them might actually be the one he seeks.

 

     The Nazi, named Strucker, is meanwhile revealed to be still alive – ancient but no less vicious, and one who has coordinated huge efforts to preparing the technology and resources to use the Monk’s power to allow Strucker to achieve what Hitler failed to. Yes, we now have Nazi SUPER-SCIENCE added to the plot! And to top off our “Nazi Tropes” order, his right-hand person is an icily beautiful blonde named Nina – who is of course also a very badass martial artist in her own right.

 

     I won’t spoiler the rest of the plot – although, given that this is a completely deliberate play on a every martial arts and thriller movie ever made, you can rest assured there’s last-minute escapes, shocking betrayals, reversals of fortune, desperate last chances, the power of love, and because this is also a comedy there are occasional embarrassments, dramatic failures, and bon mots scattered throughout.

 

     This is one of those movies where I look at the box office and reactions and wonder if other people were watching the same movie I was, because I love this movie. I’ve watched it several times with my wife and others, and Chow-Yun Fat demonstrates superb, understated comedic timing and delivery, something twice as funny coming from the guy more known for angst-filled dramas like The Killer. Is this one of the great masterpieces of the ages? No, but it’s a hell of a lot of fun and well worth getting to see. Go see a couple of modern misfits save the world alongside a (sort of) immortal monk against a bunch of super-science Nazis!

 

 

 

 

 

On My Shelves: Kon-Tiki

 

     Once upon a time, there was a Norwegian adventurer and would-be anthropologist who noted some strange parallels between the language and culture of various Polynesian islands and certain languages and cultures on the coast of South America. Thor Heyerdahl came up with a crazy theory: maybe the Polynesian islands were settled, not from Asia, but from the Americas!

 

     There were many reasons people argued against this idea, although there were certain appealing elements of the theory. However, from the point of view of most, there was one absolutely damning argument against it: the South American tribes in question had no boats, only clumsy-looking balsa wood rafts. Such a craft could never possibly travel literally thousands of miles across open ocean to make it to the Polynesian islands, and even if the craft could, there was no way to carry provisions to keep people alive that long.

 

     Heyerdahl thought that other people were seriously underestimating the capabilities of such primitive-seeming technology, but after considerable time and effort spent trying to make his argument in an academic context, he came to realize that, in the end, there was only one way to break that argument against his theory:

 

     Actually sail a balsa-wood raft across the Pacific.

 

     This is the story of Kon-Tiki, the balsa-wood raft built by Thor Heyerdahl and his companions from logs dragged from the heart of the Ecuadorian forests, and then sailed successfully for 4,300 miles to arrive at the island of Raroia, 101 days after setting sail. This is one of the great adventures of modern history, an adventure so wide-ranging and preposterous that it sounds like fiction, and is  a vindication of Heyerdahl’s faith that ancient peoples’ methods and technologies were far, far more capable and resilient than we moderns usually give them credit for.

 

     The book Kon-Tiki chronicles the adventure from Heyerdahl’s early years in the South Seas, learning the facts that eventually led him to his theory, to his service in World War II, and to a discussion in the Explorer’s Club that leads him to actually begin the venture. We get to watch all the challenges that they had to overcome simply to get the trees necessary to make the raft, and to figure out the overall design of a sailing vessel which hadn’t been constructed for centuries.

 

     In this lead-up sequence, Kon-Tiki has an almost Verneian feel, with the adventurer starting from some level of mundanity, having some idea, and then just happening to find all the people to make his idea a reality (including an international Explorer’s Club!).

 

     And finally we set sail with the Kon-Tiki and are captured by the magic of the sea in a way that few other books have managed. These six men sail across the sea on a low raft, yet not in desperation; in wonder and fascination, on a drive to explore and learn. Their descriptions of the sea are different from any others I have read, and come, I think, from the fact that they lived and slept and watched at a height of inches from the water, drifting without motor or sign of human technology.

 

     Thor Heyerdah’s theories of human migration from South America to the Polynesian islands, alas, did not succeed as well as the raft itself. It is generally accepted today that most of the colonization occurred from the west and north – although some relatively recent genetic testing indicates that there is some small South American component in some Polynesian genetics, so perhaps an occasional raft did in fact make the voyage.

 

     But the failure of the theory does not diminish the wonderful and imagination-firing voyage that Thor Heyerdahl and his five companions – Erik Hesselberg, Bengt Danielsson, Knut Haugland, Torstein Raaby, and Herman Watzinger – completed in 1947. The true purpose of that voyage was to prove the power of human inventiveness and courage, and in that Kon-Tiki succeeded brilliantly.

 

     This was one of my favorite books when I was younger, and I must have read it four or five times easily. Now I have to dig it back out and read it again…

 

 

 

 

 

On My Shelves: The Wonderful Flight to the Mushroom Planet

 

 I first came across the Mushroom Planet books many years ago, when I was still near the target age. I was fascinated by them, drawn into a world that seemed to blend mundanity, magic, and science in an impossible brew that still, somehow, managed to work. Once I became a parent, eventually I hunted down the first book for my own children.

 

The first of Eleanor Cameron’s Mushroom Planet books, The Wonderful Flight to the Mushroom Planet still casts a spell many years after its first publication. David and Chuck, two best friends, build a rocketship (well, a full-sized model of one) after reading a mysterious newspaper advertisement asking for just such a spaceship and promising “adventure” to the boys who bring the best spaceship to an address that they’re not even sure exists.

 

Mystery piles atop mystery and revelation on revelation, until the two boys find themselves on a rescue mission to a tiny, invisible planet orbiting only a short distance (astronomically speaking) from the Earth itself!

 

The writing is smooth, straightforward, and engaging, and Cameron’s characters are sketched out with clear and emphatic detail. In some ways, Mushroom Planet reminded me of a Heinlein Juvenile; here we had two young people of the target demographic age, sharing an interest in adventure, who grab that chance with both hands and show resourcefulness, inventiveness, and determination that many adults might lack. At the same time, despite the strangeness that permeates the book (more on that in a moment), there is an overarching emphasis of reason that very much echoes Heinlein, especially in the matter-of-fact interaction of the boys and the adults around them.

 

Still, there is a bizarre, almost dreamlike quality to the book itself, due at least in part to the juxtaposition of a strong and clear respect for and use of scientific approaches and terminology with truly mystical phenomena that cannot be explained by any science known to man.

 

The scientific wizard Mr. Bass — there’s no better way to describe him — creates inventions that sound scientific, may even BE scientific in a way, and yet his work is surrounded by all the enigmatic atmosphere of the most mysterious sorceror.

 

He cannot, or will not, explain the real mechanisms of his inventions, and seems able to produce tremendous results from minimal resources or effort. Peculiar events happen merely by association with him; for instance, after David and Chuck complete the spaceship, the next morning the spaceship they have constructed is… better. Larger, sleeker, and so on, yet within a short time the boys have accepted these changes, as they tend to accept, after only minimal discussion, the other oddities of Mr. Bass and his inventions.

 

At the same time, the rescue and its conclusion rest on firm, rational grounds, so that we keep being anchored back to reality. This book is a study in contradictions – bizarre, impossible events are directly connected to scientific facts and then back to near-mystical events with scarcely a pause, and yet it somehow all hangs together.

 

The true strength of the book, though, is the optimistic drive of the boys to achieve goals that even they know will be challenging indeed. We’re first shown this in their decision to build the spaceship,and the efforts they devote to it, but ultimately the greatest demonstration is in their solving a literal life-or-death puzzle in one of the climactic moments of the book.

 

This was nearly as fun to read as an adult as it was when I was a child, and certainly it had a new appeal because I was introducing my children to these books. I have to order the others soon!

 

A fascinating book and well worth the read even if — or perhaps especially if — you are an adult who is trying to remember why some kids’ books still stick with you.

 

 

 

 

 

On My Shelves: Unbreakable

 

Capsule summary: Bruce Willis plays an ordinary man who does security work. After a train accident somehow leaves him miraculously untouched, he is contacted by a mysterious man who tells him he may not be ordinary at all, but so extraordinary that he can no longer lead an ordinary life. The truth is even stranger, and more frightening, than it seems at first.

 

It is a rare thing to come across anything NEW in either the thriller OR superhero genres. This combination, produced by M. Night Shamalyan before his decline, manages to give us something new for both. We start with a young boy, Elijah Price, who is born with a terrible medical curse: his bones are so brittle that they can break under any significant strain. To motivate him to at least try to make as much use of his body as he can, his mother buys him comic books which he likes and places them on the playground across the street; Elijah accepts the challenge, and the comic-book world within…

 

… Years later, a devastating train accident occurs, leaving security worker David Dunn (Bruce Willis) untouched though nearly everyone else is killed. Elijah (played in unusually understated fashion by Samuel L. Jackson), who now runs a collectibles store focused around comic memorabilia, contacts David. It seems that Elijah, because of his incredible fragility (for which the neighborhood children have nicknamed him “Mr. Glass”), formed a theory that the bell-curve distribution of human traits demanded that there be someone on the “opposite end” from him: someone virtually unbreakable, superhuman. Elijah (played as an adult by Samuel L. Jackson) is clearly somewhat nuts, yet there is a wierd and compelling power about him, and about the faith he has that there is a higher power motivating these events.

 

David does not accept this theory at once, but eventually other odd coincidences force him to at least test this nutcase’s ideas… and the test results are everything that Elijah expects, stunning even David and his son; the sequence with David attempting to find the limit of his strength is simultaneously amusing and chilling.

 

In the end, David accepts that there is, in fact, some part of him driven to seek out and oppose true evildoers — those who kill with pleasure and so on — and in a dramatic sequence fights his first battle as a vigilante. Ironically, even though he does NOT go looking for some funny costume and tights, the outfit he wears works *AS* a superhero costume, even supplying him with an appropriate superheroic name: “Security”.

 

*BIG* SPOILER WARNING, DO NOT READ ANY FARTHER IF YOU WANT ANY CHANCE TO WATCH THE REMAINDER OF THE FILM UNKNOWING

 

Some

 

 

Extra

 

 

Space

 

 

But the true shocker comes at the end, when we discover that, in order to FIND his superhero, Elijah has been CAUSING multiple disasters, winnowing through countless scenes of destruction to find the one unbreakable man or woman. The man we thought was playing “Professor X” to David’s X-Man life is, in fact, more akin to the Joker looking for his Batman. “Mr. Glass” could not be a superhero, so obviously he would have to be the villain — and FIND a hero to oppose him.

 

     This discovery is one of the most terrifyingly chilling moments I’ve ever seen in cinema. The horror on David’s face as he realizes what “Mr. Glass” has been doing… how many people he has killed or maimed in the name of finding his superhero… is heart-rending, and though he turns in Elijah, it is very much a replaying of the classic superhero watching the villain led off, wondering if the villain can ever pay enough for the crimes he’s committed.

 

     “Mr. Glass” is also a brilliant depiction of a… more realistic, so to speak, Joker – a man unhinged by something terrible in his life (in Elijah’s case, his brittle bones confining him to a painful life with nothing but his increasingly bent imagination) that he ends up seeing the world through a filter so strange and dark that his very perceptions are not ours; what is wrong to us becomes inevitable for them. In Elijah Price we meet the ultimate consequences of obsession; even with him in prison, we must wonder… will he truly be rendered powerless? He was never a man of action – couldn’t be – yet he achieved everything he set out to do. Such a man will not be easily stopped by mere prison bars.

 

The ending of the movie also leaves open the other obvious question: will David ever play Hero again? Despite this shock, we don’t know. I would guess… yes. The ironic fact is that Mr. Glass *WAS* telling the truth. There IS a special power in David, one specifically there for finding those of true evil intent, and he truly does have a strong drive to act on it. But what a dark and sinister origin to have…

 

In this film, Shamalyan’s talents were well-used, with a stellar cast to back him up. I think this is Shamalyan’s best work – I certainly liked it better than The Sixth Sense, his other generally well-thought-of work. I strongly recommend Unbreakable.

 

 

 

 

 

On My Shelves: Child of Fire

 

     Harry Connolly, under the handle of “burger_eater”, has been a Livejournal friend of mine for a while. I got and read the first of his Twenty Palaces novels, Child of Fire, not long after it came out, and was pleasantly surprised. The following article takes a lot from my original Amazon review but adds some new pieces.

 

Very simple spoiler-free summary: Despite the typical urban-fantasy setup (world like ours, secret magical background, first-person narrator), Child of Fire manages some highly inventive twists on both the plotline and the worldbuilding level, with a flavor that compares well to a combination of Jim Butcher’s Dresden novels, hard-boiled detective stories, and some of Dean Koontz’ horror novels.

 

While it was very well written, I found it a bit too dark overall to reach my absolute top ranking. In this, it resembles my reaction to Jeff Getzin’s Prince of Bryanae, although Prince is even darker, riding the very edge of my dark tolerance and on occasion actually falling off before recovering and recapturing my attention with something awesome.

 

There were also elements I felt needed more explanation/backgrounding/detail. Note that I DON’T get the feeling Harry doesn’t KNOW those explanations. This makes their absence unfortunate but excusable, while not knowing is, to me, inexcusable. I do think, however, that the book suffered — very slightly — from this lack. Nonetheless, an excellent first try out the gate.

 

     Following is a more detailed review, and this part does contain spoilers, so beware.

 

Ray Lilly, the main character, is clearly a man in trouble. He’s working for someone who, we soon learn, is effectively superhuman in a number of ways, and who (at least initially) hates him enough to want him dead, and only leaves him alive because he’s useful. For now.

 

This is one of the weak points of the book, in that the exact sequence of events that led to Ray being in this position is often referred to, obliquely, and we get small pieces of it, but never, really, a full understanding of how it all happened, why, where, and how he came into contact with the hidden magical world and the “Twenty Palaces Society” that tries to keep the dangers of magic under control. There’s a huge amount of implied background here, and not quite enough exposition to make me feel like I understand the world.

 

Note that Harry did answer these questions later; the prequel Twenty Palaces is available on Amazon. This doesn’t negate the issue I had with the novel as a standalone, but it’s nice to be able to pick up that information later if you wanted to.

 

This is also a stylistic and personal author choice; some people may very well PREFER this sketchy background and expect only to see it “filled in” as a series progresses. I just like more of my worldbuilding up front. This is reflected in my own writing, and I’ve had the opposite criticism leveled at me at times – too much worldbuilding, too much information instead of just letting the action speak for itself.

 

It’s a delicate balance to walk, and the real joker in the pack of course is that since readers are all different, there is no “right mix” for all readers.

 

In any case, Ray and his boss Annalise are, in essence, hunters of mystical “predators” — *things* that could be thought of as demons, and have been, but are actually something more like alien invaders and parasites who if not kept under control could destroy the world swiftly.

 

In many ways, this is similar to Charles Stross’ “Laundry” universe, in which mathematics and related disciplines intersect with H. P. Lovecraft’s mythos and give us a vast universe of alien, often malevolent or at least so uncaring as to be destructive monstrosities that a powerful secret organization is trying, desperately, to keep from destroying the world. The difference here is that Stross’ series postulates major governmental agencies running the show in a sort of bureaucratic James Bond of the supernatural, while Harry Connolly’s approach is more secret society than Secret Service.

 

Ray and Annalise’s first encounter with their new assignment is to see a child burst into flames in front of his parents… and then discover that despite having not only witnessed it and suffered burns, the parents and rest of the family now HAVE NO MEMORY of even having a child. Their investigation quickly takes them to a small town now prospering in what might seem an almost storybook fashion on the surface… but darker and darker undersides to discover.

 

Ray’s “voice” is very much in the line of hardboiled detectives, something like a more cynical Archie Goodwin and, at times, even reminding me of my own Jason Wood if Jason had ended up on the wrong side of the law. He’s a man who’s done time in prison and while he has morals and basically decent sensibilities is not one to shrink much from some pretty hard-line action.

 

While he’s not at all incapable of using his fists or a gun, his most powerful — and most inventive — weapon is the result of the one magical spell he has ever cast, a little piece of paper which the spell has turned into a “ghost knife” — a blade that can cut magic and unliving materials, but won’t harm the living.

 

The ghost knife is a very interesting mystical trick and invaluable for Ray’s work. Harry makes sure to cover multiple permutations of the uses for the ghost knife, and it’s a startlingly useful little gadget, the more so since it appears so mundane on the surface.

 

The other manifestations of magic we get to see through the book are also interesting, ranging from a particular type of werewolf to mystical tattoos that protect people from physical or mental injury, and the particular disquieting enhancements given to Annalise Powliss, Ray’s boss.

 

There’s also considerable attention to the costs of magic and related events; Ray, for instance, can survive very grievous wounds, but healing from said wounds isn’t done like in many anime or TV shows, where the wound simply heals up; he needs material that can do the patching, and that means, in essence, meat. A lot of it. Let’s just say you don’t want to push him too far when there isn’t a supermarket nearby.

 

Annalise, despite being terrifyingly more formidable than Ray, ends up very badly injured due to not realizing the full capabilities of the “predator” behind the current case, and this forces Ray to do most of the work — and in the end, to deal with a mystical predator so powerful that its reach extends across miles and hundreds of minds.

 

The action is tightly plotted and very well described; you can “see” many events quite clearly. The other characters he encounters are drawn well, even if for only the few pages they appear. In some ways these sections remind me strongly of Dean Koontz, who has a similar talent for sketching out an entire small town with just enough detail that you can believe in it before he wrecks everything with some supernatural disaster.

 

As I said earlier, aside from the minimalist approach to revealing Ray’s full background, the overall dark tone of the book was the only other negative for me. Some people will vastly prefer this tone, so it’s not necessarily a bad thing. The final resolution is well done, just not as upbeat as I prefer my endings; I like the Bad Things destroyed, most of the damage put right, and this isn’t really quite the case here.

 

Still, a very good book and I recommend it to any into urban fantasy or modern supernatural horror (related but not identical subgenres).

 

 

 

 

 

On My Shelves: Silverlock

 

     A. Clarence Shandon is a man of limited vision and less patience with anything he is unfamiliar with. When a storm sinks the ship he is on and he finds himself adrift, he also finds he has no particular reason to live. But a seemingly chance encounter with another castaway, floating in the water with him, gives him if not hope, at least some direction. Golias – Boyan Taliesin Golias – insists that they are approaching a place called “The Commonwealth”, and there they will land… and, perhaps, survive.

 

     Golias’ descriptions of this Commonwealth are strange, as are his remarks about himself, but Shandon ignores the oddities as the behavior of a man unhinged. Little does he realize what journey he has embarked upon…

 

     Silverlock, by John Meyers Meyers, is one of the great classics of fantastic literature, though it is surprisingly little-known outside of fandom these days. Named after Shandon, who becomes known as “Silverlock” for the silver-gray lock of hair above his forehead, it is on the surface the story of a not-terribly-likeable  man who is separated from everything he knew, and finds himself in a strange land indeed, one with magic and monsters and warriors, a land with strange rules and even stranger destinies awaiting those cast upon it. In this journey, Shandon Silverlock discovers a part of himself long suppressed in his native Chicago, and becomes in his own way a hero, a warrior, and perhaps a poet.

 

     But Silverlock is much more than its surface. Readers of my own Grand Central Arena will of course have noticed many references to various classics, and less-classics, of science fiction and fantasy; Silverlock does the same, but on a far grander scale, for it is nothing more or less than a creation of the land of great myth and fiction made solid, and the references begin on the first page; the vessel that sinks is named Naglfar, which those familiar with Norse mythology know to be the vessel of Hel, made from the fingernails of the dead.

 

Later, Shandon sees a ship sunk by a huge whale (Moby Dick), falls afoul of the sorceress Circe (Greek Mythology), is given a lesson in the geography of the Commonwealth that refers to everything from King Arthur to Norse myth, and encounters characters ranging from Robin Hood and Puck to the Green Man, the Mad Tea Party, and even journeys to Dante’s Inferno.

 

     Shandon’s journey is no aimless wandering, although often Shandon himself thinks it is. Nearly a dead husk of a man at first, without any care or interests beyond the most immediate needs, Shandon first learns to have some loyalty to Golias, who helps him despite Shandon’s at-first complete disregard for Golias’ feelings or needs, and then, slowly, begins to open up to the wonder of the world around him.

 

     Again, this is a matter of layers; on this layer, the story is about the journey of a man to become aware of wonder, for it is clear that Shandon Silverlock is traveling through the land of the fantastic in order to become a part of that world – perhaps a writer, a modern bard, himself – and can only do so by finding the wondrous within himself.

 

     On yet another layer, this is a pure love letter to the imaginations of the past. We are Shandon Silverlock, at some point or another on his journey. We enter the Commonwealth whenever we open a book that sparks our imagination and wonder, that brings us a step closer to understanding what wonder is.

 

     I first read Silverlock quite a few years ago; I think the copy I owned is one of the things I lost in the floods. But recently, I purchased an electronic copy and re-read it. Like all great books, there were details I had missed in the first read that came out clearly to me on the second. I have deliberately avoided looking closely at sites that describe all of the references; I enjoy finding new ones on re-reading; for instance, I hadn’t noticed the close encounter with the Ancient Mariner the first time through, and I wasn’t aware of the mythology of the Green Man either, so both of those were new to my experience of Silverlock; I also was able to appreciate his encounter with Don Quixote more than when I was much younger.

 

     The toughest part of the novel is the beginning. As I have said, Shandon begins as a rather unpleasant man, and we have to spend a fair amount of time in his company. It is also not clear what the actual purpose of the novel is at first, and, at least in my opinion, things take a bit to really get rolling. But by the time the plot begins to move significantly, Shandon has started to show signs of … well, if not growing up, at least opening his eyes and becoming less of a dick. At that point, Silverlock really comes into its own; it drags you along on Shandon’s journey like a freight train, unstoppable and irresistable.

 

This is one of the rarest of novels,a book that continues to give and give and give, more with every reading. I look forward to the next reading, and wonder what new gems await me … and Shandon Silverlock… as we both travel through the unending, magnificent Commonwealth of the Imagination.

 

 

 

 

On My Shelves: Call It Courage

 

It happened many years ago, before the traders and missionaries first came into the south seas, while the Polynesians were still great in numbers and fierce of heart. But even today the people of Hikueru sing this story in their chants and tell it over the evening fires. It is the story of Mafatu, the Boy Who Was Afraid.

 

     Call It Courage is a children’s novel, a Newbery Medal winner and the most famous novel of Armstrong Sperry, an author and illustrator of mostly children’s novels who had a fascination with the Polynesian culture and civilization. While it is set in the Polynesian islands pre-Western contact, the major attraction of this novel transcends the culture – accurate or otherwise – depicted, because it is a story which could be told, and has been told, in many other lands and cultures: the story of someone overcoming fear.

 

     Mafatu, the Boy Who Was Afraid, fears the sea; this is a terrible and pathetic weakness for someone who lives on a low sea atoll such as Hikueru, an island in the midst of the Pacific whose inhabitants draw nearly all their livelihood from the sea. By modern standards, his fear of the sea is all too understandable, caused by a traumatic event at sea when he was only three years old – an event told with stark and powerful clarity early in the book.

 

But his people cannot understand his fear, and while they do not actually cast him out, he is regarded with scorn, or – sometimes worse – pity, and while the other young men of his age are preparing for their transition to manhood by fishing and hunting other sea creatures, Mafatu is left behind to provide whatever support he can at tasks normally left to women – making cloth, fishing line and hooks, and so on.

 

When he overhears the one boy he thought was his friend making fun of his fear, Mafatu is finally galvanized to action; he realizes that he will never be accepted on his home, and never be a source of pride to his father or, in truth, himself, unless and until he can conquer that fear.

 

So in the dead of night he takes an outrigger canoe, supplies it for a long journey, and quickly, before he can change his mind, sets a course outward to distant islands, hoping to master his fear, prove his courage, and be able to return to his home with honor.

 

Call It Courage is powerfully written, often directly from Mafatu’s point of view, and many times we feel the crushing weight of his fear or, later, the rising hope and elation as one by one Mafatu overcomes his obstacles and begins to become the man he hoped to be. I have read the book many times, both for myself and for my children, and I never fail to be affected by the emotions experienced by Mafatu.

 

Much of the imagery of the novel is touched with the fantastic, with the mythology of Polynesia and specifically contrasting the god of the sea, Moana, and the god of fishermen, Maui; the one represents Mafatu’s fear and is seen as an adversary, while Maui is the patron and supporter of Mafatu’s quest. Mafatu believes firmly in these (and presumably other) beings’ influence on his life, and often addresses Moana as a personal enemy.

 

It’s interesting to note that while Maui is in fact a hero-god of Polynesian myth, “Moana” is in fact a word for the ocean but not, as far as I can tell, an actual sea god in the real mythology.

 

It should come as little surprise – given that I like the book very, very much – that Mafatu is successful in his quest. Not only does he overcome fear of the ocean, but also he demonstrates his ability to survive alone – constructing a new canoe for his return, hunting all the dangerous animals known to his people (some deliberately, some otherwise), and also daring even superstitious fear to achieve some practical and desperately important goal.

 

Call It Courage is one of the best children’s books I have read, and holds up well even now that I’m an adult. Perhaps it poorly depicts the actual cultures involved (I’m fairly sure the “Eaters-of-Men” were greatly exaggerated in their behavior, but I could be wrong),but as a story of a young boy seeking to overcome his greatest enemy – his own fear – it stands almost alone in its power and, ultimately, joy in depicting this very primal, and very human, quest.

 

 

 

 

 

Just For Fun: The Annotated Evil Overlord Part 5

 

Herewith is the final part of the dissection of the Evil Overlord list. Back to more “regular” columns later this week!

 

For convenience, I’m including our panel listing in each post.

Our Expert Panel

We have assembled for this special conference several fine villains who have wreaked havoc throughout the known multiverse. Let’s meet them:

Virigar. King of the Great Werewolves and progenitor of the species, Virigar is the most-feared monster on all of Zarathan. A soul-eating, nearly indestructible being, Virigar’s age is unknown, his full powers a mystery. He has killed gods and demons and men, shrugged off or consumed spells and energy weapons, and survived multiple planned attempts to destroy him. His only known weaknesses are silver weapons, and — of course — other soul-destroying beings or weapons. Seen in Digital Knight (and more in the expanded version Paradigms Lost to be released in late 2014) and implied in his existence in Phoenix Rising. In his true form he is a nine-foot-tall fur-covered monstrosity with diamond teeth and claws eight to twelve inches long, vaguely wolflike but much more alien; while he can take on any shape, his preferred guise is a handsome young man (late 20s, early 30s) very much like a young Robert Redford.
Master Wieran. Cold, analytical, fanatical, Master Wieran is what modern people would call a mad scientist. Combining knowledge of alchemy and multiple branches of magical study, Wieran’s quest is to discover and analyze  the source of life, nay, the very source of reality itself — and he will sacrifice anything, and anyone, to achieve that goal. Tall, thin, white-haired though not ancient, with deep-set eyes in a narrow, ascetic face and usually wearing something that does look rather like a labcoat, Wieran looks exactly like what he is.
Maria-Susanna. Perhaps the most tragic result of the epically tragic Hyperion Project, Maria-Susanna (alluded to in Grand Central Arena and finally encountered in Spheres of Influence) is the idealized self-insert (yes, the Mary-Sue) of the Project’s driving force. The collapse of the project combined with the death of the man she was designed for drove her completely over the edge. She still believes she is the good guy — the very noblest of good guys — and her delusions will, and have, allowed her to rationalize away literally dozens of murders. A genetically engineered superwoman, Maria-Susanna is the very ideal of the beautiful blonde, and is also physically capable of taking on just about anyone. In addition, she’s educated in a huge number of disciplines and can do just about anything she puts her mind to.
The Dark Wanderer. One of the legendary heroes of Zarathan is “The Wanderer”, a hero supposedly from Earth itself who appeared several thousand years ago. Wizard, warrior, sage, trickster, he’s said to be many things. The Dark Wanderer is his moral mirror image, caused by something terrible that happened to the original. With a special immunity to destiny and a unique approach to mystical powers, the Dark Wanderer is one of the most terrifying of all possible enemies to those on the world of Zarathan… and almost no one knows he exists… yet.
Thornfalcon. The major adversayr revealed at the end of Phoenix Rising, Thornfalcon is a swordsman, a would-be bard, a lover and a hero… and actually a psychopathic serial killer with very high functionality, empowered by something that can at the least imitate a god, and a manipulator par excellence. Tall, slender, with a long, flexible actor’s face that can go from sympathetic to comedic to psychotic in a flash, the brown-haired Justiciar wears a bird-themed “Raiment” that is both defense and mystical weapon, and wields considerable power of his own, especially as his position as the favored agent of his “patron” has made him something more than merely human.
Endgame. One of the major villains in my currently-being-shopped-around superhero novel Stuff of Legend, Endgame is an Omnicidal Maniac with the power to make it believable that he WILL destroy the world if not stopped. What event or events in his life filled him with such hatred for all things is not known. He wears a dark armored costume with a cape, and is massively muscled. He is brilliant and extremely tenacious, but constrained in his behavior by the essential rules, so to speak, that govern super-beings’ interactions.
Amanita Verdant. Entering the discussion as of Point #8, Amanita is one  of the main villains in my to-be-Kickstartered Oz-based novel Polychrome, Amanita was once a Giantess whose first name is unknown, only being addressed as “Mrs Yoop” in her canonical appearance. Having been transformed in such a manner that prohibited her from ever again regaining her true form, she has taken on the shape of a supernaturally beautiful young human woman with green hair and eyes. Amanita is an absolute master of transformation magics, and understands others quite well. She is also quite utterly insane, although able to disguise it well under most conditions. Part of her issues probably stem from her treatment (implied) by her husband, for whom she shows no concern at all when she knows he was captured, dragged off, and imprisoned in an isolated cage in the mountains.

 

The Annotated Evil Overlord, Part 5

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  81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

         Virigar: Oh yes, this one’s related to the taunting enemies.

         Master Wieran: It’s related to people being idiots! Why would you NOT drop flat, or dodge aside, or something, rather than turn around like some cow-brained fool to see whatever it was that got the hero to drop to the ground, heedless of the fact that you could then finish him off with ease?

         Maria-Susanna: It applies equally to us heroes, of course. Because you can’t be sure you’re not the hero that will die tragically to motivate the OTHER heroes.

         Dark Wanderer: Riiiight. Anyway, this is another specific of the general case “when the hero does something that looks really strange, he probably has a reason for it. Act appropriately.”

         Thornfalcon: I will confess that often the problem is reaction time. If the hero sees, say, the swinging blade heading towards us, and reacts to it, I have been delayed by the amount of time it takes me to recognize his action and decide what to do about it.

         Endgame: Which is why automatic defenses and invulnerability are by far the preferred solutions to tactically superior adversaries.

         Amanita: That is a challenging problem… for those who like to face their opponents in personal combat. I prefer using my own summoned legions.

         Thornfalcon: Ahhh, my lady, if only they would be so courteous as to not come after you THROUGH said legions…

 

  83. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

         Master Wieran: I will not shoot at them unless I can avoid HITTING the crucial support beam. I know the Great Wolf probably doesn’t care, but I have time, effort, and considerable money invested in my heavy, dangerous structures and won’t have it wasted!

         Dark Wanderer: The idea is that they make you THINK you can hit them and then dodge out of the way.

         Virigar: That’s why I prefer to use up-close, personal weapons. Or suck out their souls from a distance.

         Dark Wanderer: Same principle can apply. Imagine fighting your mortal friend Jason, and you have him backed up against what turns out to be a tank of silver nitrate solution…

         Virigar: Ahh yes. That could be… painful.

         Thornfalcon: Still, I think we all agree that this is another that can be generalized to the rule “I will not allow the heroes to make me do something suicidally stupid.”. 

 

  84. If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

         Dark Wanderer: Er, no, I’ll develop an immunity to iocane powder and put it in BOTH drinks.

         Virigar: In my case, I HAVE the immunity already.

         Maria-Susanna: Poisoning? That’s so… rude. And at dinner, too.

         Master Wieran: What do I care for your notions of proper behavior? In any event, if I had to attempt to poison someone personally, I would do so using a tailored two-component poison, one part administered by, say, drinking, and one by eating, or breathing. And I would know by tell-tale signs that only my genius can detect which is the correct drink!

         Thornfalcon: I love your confidence, but I went one better: I put the poison in the glass and tailored it to the types of targets I prefer. Works every time.

         Master Wieran: (unwillingly)… you know, I will confess that you describe a far better solution to the problem.

         Endgame: Poison both drinks and be immune.

         Amanita: Oh, so very much poison in both drinks.

 

  85. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

         Virigar: Not an issue for my people.

         Dark Wanderer: I know what they’re getting at, but in this day and age you’d better check to see what their preferences are. Especially with the popularity of slash and all.

         Master Wieran: “Slash”?

         Maria-Susanna: You REALLY don’t want to know.

         Thornfalcon: In any event, the general concept seems sound. Don’t select guards whose hormonal/romantic issues could possibly cause them to have sympathy for the captives. Unless of course that’s part of your diabolical plot.

         Endgame: Taking no prisoners solves this dilemma.

         Amanita: Endgame, dear, you are positively the worst host.

 

  86. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. “Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.” Instead it will be more along the lines of “Push the button.”

         Virigar: Do they think these Ultimate Goals are set up arbitrarily?

         Master Wieran: Yes, apparently.

         Maria-Susanna: What do you mean?

         Dark Wanderer: A lot of these plans have complicated final steps because, well, that’s just the way the magic or whatever WORKS. If you don’t fulfill the conditions, it won’t work out.

         Thornfalcon: Exactly. To be honest, I’m having a hard time thinking of an example of an Evil Overlord who clearly COULD have achieved his ultimate goal with a simple action but CHOSE to use some complex ceremony instead. Aside from our esteemed Wolf friend here, but he KNOWS that he’s doing such things, and can generally get away with it.

         Endgame: I concur. While dramatics of my world certainly play a part, I do not set out to deliberately complicate my work; the Hellvortex has to be summoned in a particular way, I cannot, unfortunately, just order it to open.

         Amanita: Well, of course! No magical ritual can be done in a moment! You have to spend just hours of time setting up the circles and wards, engraving the right symbols, et cetera, et cetera and so on.

 

  87. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

         Master Wieran: I do not know this “code”, but this is just a variant of employing a device you haven’t adequately researched.

         Dark Wanderer: Yes. Redundant. Next!

 

  88. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

         Dark Wanderer: Yes, “Van Helsing”, I’m looking at YOU!

         Virigar: This seems simple and reasonable.

         Dark Wanderer: But if you do that, how are you to have a spectacular duel above the bubbling vats, or fall into them and gain additional superpowers, albeit a hideous visage, for use in the sequel?

         Master Wieran: I would prefer to gain my ‘superpowers’ from the result of careful research and retain my distinguished appearance.

         Maria-Susanna: For values of “distinguished” which equate to “wild-eyed madman”.

         Thornfalcon: I agree with this entry. I have no idea why I would want to have vats of alchemical peril in a position which would allow me to accidentally plummet into them.

         Endgame: It is, I agree, a sensible precaution. In my universe, with the rules that constrain those with superpowers… it may not be possible to avert dramatics so easily.

         Amanita: I don’t use hazardous chemicals as such, and seething vortices of fell mystical power should be easily accessible.

         Virigar: And easily consumable.

 

  89. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

         Virigar: Eat them instead.

         Master Wieran: As a blanket statement this makes some sense, but comes perilously close to shooting the messenger with Virigar’s addition.

         Maria-Susanna: Exactly! It depends on WHY they failed miserably!

         Dark Wanderer: Right. Often when you see this it’s because the henchmen have been “denied critical, need-to-know information” about their targets. Update their information and perhaps give them some increased capabilities, if the failure wasn’t their actual fault.

         Thornfalcon: But this does connect back to the one on not sending out progressively stronger opponents, too.

         Endgame: Precisely. Take the failed group, give them a boost – are you not falling into that trap, Wanderer?

         Dark Wanderer: Hm. Good catch, yes. Though there are possible wrinkles you could make use of, especially if the powering-up was of sufficient magnitude.

         Amanita: That does keep me from having to get my hands dirty, but one should also recall that giving a servant too much power can become… a problem.

  ⁃ 

  90. After I captures the hero’s superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

         Virigar: Indeed. We are all agreed on this?

         Dark Wanderer: (after a glance around the table) Yep. Unless the reason is that you WILL use the superweapon, and HE wouldn’t.

         Thornfalcon: Even so, why would I disband my Legions? Unless I feel like using my unstoppable superweapon to solve minor disputes in administration, I’ll have a great use for an extensive force of persons to police my realm.

         Amanita: Exactly, Thornfalcon. I personally may be able to relax, but there will be so much work for my Legions to do…

 

  91. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

         Virigar: Control rooms are so next millennium. But my throne room has only one chair, my throne, and it faces the only entrance.

         Master Wieran: The circular and external-looking layout seems common, yes. But one could simply station some guards at the entrance.

         Maria-Susanna: I’d think that if the Heroes are already AT the Main Control Room, you have other problems.

         Dark Wanderer: Yeah. If one of the Main Control stations isn’t “security”, or if it is and they haven’t caught on yet, I don’t think I’d worry about which way the stations face; these guys aren’t going to notice the Hero until he shoots them.

         Thornfalcon: By analogy I can understand this one; a command center with various stations, like the bridge of a large ship. Yes, I agree, if the Heroes have already made their way to your command center and you didn’t know about it, the fact that you’re not all facing the right way will be the least of your worries.

         Endgame: I work alone, in general, and have no need for control rooms. But yes, you catch the essence of it.

         Amanita; Agreed.

 

  92. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

         Virigar: Indeed.

         Master Wieran: What sort of a pompous fool is wasting his time on personal grooming when there’s WORK to be done?

         Maria-Susanna: And here, yet again, we find an area in which the Mad Scientist does not understand normal human beings. I *thought* I smelled something…

         Dark Wanderer: Psst! Wieran! The “clean cantrip”. Learn it. use it.

         Master Wieran: Bah!

         Thornfalcon: Returning to the subject, yes, one should realize that — especially if you have a proper Evil Overlord reputation — a messenger won’t be staggering up directly to you unless he really thinks it’s something you NEED to hear. Don’t be stupid.

         Endgame: Hmph. Yes, true enough.

         Amanita: Oh, really, this is foolish. If it were so urgent that the difference between finishing my latest project, or doing my nails, and not doing so will be fatal, wouldn’t I be aware of it long before some puny servant could possibly be able to tell me about the problem? Keeping them waiting is a way to reinforce to the others that your level of urgency is not mine.

 

  93. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

         Virigar: Well, that could work.

         Master Wieran: A phone? What is that, some sort of long-distance communication spell? A waste of time. I’ll simply have to deal with him later anyway, so why not get it over with?

         Maria-Susanna: I’ll admit I would want to give you the benefit of the doubt if you said  you’d reform. But I’d keep an eye on you.

         Dark Wanderer: Only SOME heroes are that gullible. A lot of them would want more material proof.

         Thornfalcon: And THEN you taunt them.

         Endgame: Oh, yes, they’d believe that from me. NOT.

         Amanita: I rather like this tactic. Men especially are likely to believe it.

 

  94. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

         Virigar; Double execution? Double the executioners, then. Kill them both at the same time.

         Master Wieran: I do not DO such wasteful demonstrations. I will disassemble them for use in the organ vats.

         Maria-Susanna: EEEeeeeew!

         Dark Wanderer: Hmm, wouldn’t have thought you so squeamish. I agree with Big V; kill both at once.

         Thornfalcon: Ahhh, now, the problem is *spectacle*. Public executions are entertainment, and you’re now insisting on cutting it in half.

         Endgame: And they’re also dramatic emphasis of your will and power. Cut that in half, cut the effect in half.

         Amanita: Ohhh, I love a good execution! Don’t waste them!

 

  95. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

         Virigar: Well, yes, of course.

         Master Wieran: Whose guards are that dense?

         Maria-Susanna: It’s a shame that most people are in fact smart enough not to do that.

         Dark Wanderer: Another of those basic “when the Heroes do things that don’t make sense, don’t go along with it!” things. Of course, you need quality guards to not get bamboozled by this, since usually the one doing the grabbing will be the Innocent Kid or the Beautiful Heroine, which mess up the usual guard’s perceptions.

         Thornfalcon: So very true. If you have a large number of not-very-bright warriors, they’ll tend to make general assumptions about their prisoners, and items, that they shouldn’t.

         Endgame: And this is why I don’t generally imprison people, just kill them.

         Amanita: Oh, I like to let them grab things. It points out what they think is important, and then I can confiscate it all later!

         Dark Wanderer: (eyebrow raised) I’ll admit, that approach had not occurred to me. And has some legitimacy.

 

  96. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

         Virigar: Well, yes, if you keep them locked up rather than swallowing their life essence, you probably should recognize that they might get sick… or might try to convince people that they are.

         Master Wieran: Health-equipped guard golems.

         Maria-Susanna: If I were a villain, I’d agree. Though…

         Dark Wanderer: Ah, yes, you see it. If you have a medical team with guards sent in, you may just be sending them what they ordered — a case of weapons and healing packs for their escape.

         Thornfalcon: Indeed. After all, if these guards are so capable, why didn’t you have them out on the front lines trying to stop the heroes in the first place?

         Endgame: If I must imprison people, it is unikel that I care terribly that they die, so I will have no need of medical personnel or attending to medical complaints!

         Amanita: Hmmmm… Well, if I have prisoners, as I said, I’ll probably change them to something funny and inert until I need them again.

 

  97. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

         Virigar (laughs)

         Master Wieran: What? What is this nonsense?

         Maria-Susanna: Oh, dear me.

         Dark Wanderer (snickering): Again, “oh, that trick NEVER works”. Believe me, no matter HOW  you work it, the heroes will simply find a way to exploit it.

         Endgame: As I recall, the Sea Wasp designed it so that blasting the controls put things like prison cells, interrogation cells, etc into lockdown, but other places into automatic open. Basically as one would want to do for power failure anyway. And you’re right, the heroes will find a way to use it.

  ⁃ 

  98. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

         Virigar: I’m a bit puzzled by this one. What is the problem with reflective surfaces? Are we assuming an Evil Overlord who’s also Medusa?

         Master Wieran: I’m not sure. Perhaps someone once used reflective surfaces to dazzle a guard? Seems unlikely enough to not justify the question.

         Maria-Susanna: Unravelling seems a  bit more obvious.

         Dark Wanderer: Yeah, if you can do that, you might get rope out of it. Not good. In terms of the reflective surfaces, I dunno. Hypnosis?

         Thornfalcon: I can’t really say either.

         Endgame: I would point out that if you have the classic “energy weapon” as standard issue, then –

         Dark Wanderer: Oh, very well thought of, Endgame. Yes, then you can trick the guards to shooting and bounce it back at them. Still, does seem very limited – hardly worth an entry.

         Amanita: Well, then, let’s reformulate it, shall we? I shall have my Advisor of Choice examine my cells, and remove anything from the cells which the Advisor thinks has any reasonable chance of providing prisoners with tools for escape in any form.

         (Unanimously adopted)

 

  99. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

         Virigar: Oh, that’s brilliant. Yes, please, go ahead, ignore that young Jason Wood and his fiancee Sylvia. I’m SURE that will work out well for you.

         Master Wieran: Are the authors of these idiots? Is there some POINT to this one?

         Maria-Susanna: Oh, it’s a cliche — and not a very strong one.

         Dark Wanderer: It’s sort of a heroic version of the saying “opposites attract”. In some of our stories it was fairly common to see the main male and female characters constantly bickering, until suddenly when under extreme danger they recognize the attraction they have for each other. It works well. The first time or so.

         Thornfalcon: Yes, I must confess that I would find the non-bickering couple to be far worse. Tobimar Silverun and Kyri Vantage, for example, never bickered.

         Endgame: I –

         (everyone): — will order everyone’s execution, yes, we know.

 

  100.   Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

         Virigar: Now this is just TOO obscure. WHY? Why are you padding the crucial data files? Why to that particular size? I’m sorry, I must find the person responsible for this question and swallow his soul.

         Dark Wanderer: Oh, it’s just an overspecific and very time-dated one. That’s data-storage limitation on floppy discs, back in the say. I’m not even sure there’s a good generalization of this one. If your heroes are already ACCESSING your data, I think you’re screwed.

 

  101.   Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

         Virigar: Heh. I suppose that would be an interesting approach. Though in some universes that’s already the norm.

         Master Wieran: What is this ‘Internet’? And if I wanted my subjects in a mindless trance, I would make a device to assure it. On the other hand, how would I tell such a state from their normal one? It’s not as thought the common people have minds to concern me!

         Maria-Susanna: I think the writers overestimate the effectiveness of universal communication at pacification. It is much more likely to result in the opposite. My own universe includes something like this, only far more effective, and it hasn’t locked any of them into mindless trances.

         Dark Wanderer: Or, in places and times where that’s not possible, you might use wet T-shirt contests, gladiatorial games, or just drugs in the water.

Thornfalcon: The right spells should accomplish the same end.

         Endgame: Killing them all would rather eliminate the problem too.

         Amanita: Yes, but rather unamusingly. I have, however, perfected means of performing tranformations which leave the transformed one happy, so I could simply use that technique on any potential troublemakers.

 

 

And that’s all, folks! I’d like to thank our distinguished panel of guests for their cutting and sometimes amusing commentary! 

 

         Virigar: It’s been a genuine pleasure. So many new universes to… investigate.

         Master Wieran:  I trust that we are through wasting my time here? Good! For you have been interfering in work that is as utterly beyond you as it was beyond my so-called colleagues, who –

         Maria-Susanna: Now, now, Master Wieran, let’s not END on a numbered rant, shall we? As for me, I don’t know HOW I was put into this group of villains, but to those of you reading, thank you so much, you’ve been lovely!

         Dark Wanderer: It’s been fun, and I’ve learned a few interesting things myself.

         Thornfalcon: Anything that gets me out of eternal darkness is good. And the feminine company has been MOST appreciated, even if perhaps a bit too dangerous to engage, so to speak.

         Endgame: Enjoy your brief and useless lives while you have them! This has been but a short reprieve!

         Amanita: How did I know something like that was going to be your final word? Oh, well, it WAS fun, and I hope many of you will come visit me in Oz. I’m sure you’ll find it… a transformative experience!