Cate Gardner's Blog, page 18
December 13, 2013
HO HO OH - THE FOURTEENTH
Wheeze read about night terrors while sitting on HER MAJESTY'S shoulder (she seems to think we're PETS). Tonight we're going to be her NIGHTMARES. Crook is busy making TERRIFYING masks out of bits of her discarded hair and from eye shadows and lipsticks stolen from the bottom of her make-up bag. They're almost as SCARY as she is.
Don't tell anyone but SHE'S our nightmare.
It's no wonder the Gremlin King, WESTFICK has gone MAD--he sees her without make up and has to nod his head and say 'yes dear' when she blathers on about nonsense. One day we're going to find him tied up in a corner of the office wearing nothing but fairy lights and gibbering about chimneys, roofs and a monster in a red outfit.
Don't tell anyone but SHE'S our nightmare.
It's no wonder the Gremlin King, WESTFICK has gone MAD--he sees her without make up and has to nod his head and say 'yes dear' when she blathers on about nonsense. One day we're going to find him tied up in a corner of the office wearing nothing but fairy lights and gibbering about chimneys, roofs and a monster in a red outfit.
HO HO OH - THE THIRTEENTH
HER LADYSHIP claims she doesn't eat SPROUTS but someone has. The air in the office is TOXIC. Wheeze is breathing air through a straw. He doesn't see how that can possibly go wrong...
Oh, Wheeze has FAINTED.
Sometimes we wonder if we are the GREMLINS or if HER HIGHNESS is.
REJECT is wearing a paper clip on his nose. I think some of the fumes have seeped in though as he's doing a weird dance. One of HER MAJESTY'S dances. Oh, now he thinks he's a Christmas tree.
“Get off the desk, Reject. She'll...”
Turn him into a CHRISTMAS TREE.
Oh, Wheeze has FAINTED.
Sometimes we wonder if we are the GREMLINS or if HER HIGHNESS is.
REJECT is wearing a paper clip on his nose. I think some of the fumes have seeped in though as he's doing a weird dance. One of HER MAJESTY'S dances. Oh, now he thinks he's a Christmas tree.
“Get off the desk, Reject. She'll...”
Turn him into a CHRISTMAS TREE.
December 11, 2013
HO HO OH - THE TWELFTH
The GREMLIN KING is on a diet.
HER MAJESTY is on a diet.
This means we GREMLINS are forced to live off carrots and celery sticks and limp spinach leaves.
Still hurts if they sit on us though. Time for another frowny face L
P.S. don't let the other Gremlins know I used the word 'frowny'. They'll think I'm auditioning for a Twitter account.
HER MAJESTY is on a diet.
This means we GREMLINS are forced to live off carrots and celery sticks and limp spinach leaves.
Still hurts if they sit on us though. Time for another frowny face L
P.S. don't let the other Gremlins know I used the word 'frowny'. They'll think I'm auditioning for a Twitter account.
HO HO OH - THE ELEVENTH
Reject has fallen in love with the AFRO-HAIRED PEG DOLL. He's stolen it and hidden it beneath the printer stand where HER HIGHNESS never ever cleans. He's stroking its woollen hair and wiping dust off its peg legs.
Reject is insane.
All GREMLINS are INSANE.
Reject has also started singing CHRISTMAS CAROLS in the style of SHE WHO MUST BE GAGGED.
AWAY WITH A STRANGER, A PEG FOR A HEADREJECT AND HIS AFRO-PEG-GIRL LAY DOWN THEIR DAFT HEADS
It's only a matter of time before I CRACK and start hollering TRICKY THE GREMLIN WAS A GRUMPY GREENISH SOUL WITH A SHARPENED KNIFE AND A STAPLE GUN AND TWO EYES STUCK ON A POLE.
HER eyes.
The perfect Christmas present for the Great GOD Gremlin otherwise known as HE WHO LIVES IN THE LIGHTSHADE would be to pack HER in a bright red sack and ship her to the NORTH POLE. We've heard the North Pole is particularly sharp.
She'd probably break it. I believe this is the point in the INTERNET where I type a frowny face L
Reject is insane.
All GREMLINS are INSANE.
Reject has also started singing CHRISTMAS CAROLS in the style of SHE WHO MUST BE GAGGED.
AWAY WITH A STRANGER, A PEG FOR A HEADREJECT AND HIS AFRO-PEG-GIRL LAY DOWN THEIR DAFT HEADS
It's only a matter of time before I CRACK and start hollering TRICKY THE GREMLIN WAS A GRUMPY GREENISH SOUL WITH A SHARPENED KNIFE AND A STAPLE GUN AND TWO EYES STUCK ON A POLE.
HER eyes.
The perfect Christmas present for the Great GOD Gremlin otherwise known as HE WHO LIVES IN THE LIGHTSHADE would be to pack HER in a bright red sack and ship her to the NORTH POLE. We've heard the North Pole is particularly sharp.
She'd probably break it. I believe this is the point in the INTERNET where I type a frowny face L
December 9, 2013
HO HO OH - THE TENTH
Could someone tell HER MAJESTY that characters are not real people? And, if they were, then leaving them dangling off sharp things or making them sit in the same position for a week with words juuuuust hanging off their tongues, would be cruel.
Those tears are most definitely fake--sniffle, type, sniffle, type, honking blow into tissue, type. HER LADYSHIP threw one of her snot rags at poor Treacle, causing her to fall straight off the desk. Her Majesty hasn't noticed of course. She's too interested in the plight of the NON-PEOPLE.
There should be laws against hurting and maiming GREMLINS even if you don't mean to hurt and maim them. Unless, it's that she purposefully knocks us over, or stands on us, or spills ink on us… No one could be that clumsy--not even with a Gremlin's help.
Those tears are most definitely fake--sniffle, type, sniffle, type, honking blow into tissue, type. HER LADYSHIP threw one of her snot rags at poor Treacle, causing her to fall straight off the desk. Her Majesty hasn't noticed of course. She's too interested in the plight of the NON-PEOPLE.
There should be laws against hurting and maiming GREMLINS even if you don't mean to hurt and maim them. Unless, it's that she purposefully knocks us over, or stands on us, or spills ink on us… No one could be that clumsy--not even with a Gremlin's help.
December 8, 2013
HO HO OH - THE NINTH
Apparently, if you do the following you will lose an entire afternoon. It's a MAGIC TRICK to impress even the GREMLIN KING (whose name we will never reveal but it may RHYME with WESTFICK).
As GREMLINS we recommend you TRY THIS AT HOME.
Open the internet, while it loads open WORD document containing important and most brilliant WIP.READ ALL OF THE THINGS on Facebook.CHECK EMAIL. Delete spam.READ ALL OF THE THINGS on Twitter
CHECK EMAIL. Delete spam.Open WORD, write one sentence, feel good and productive.RETURN to the internet. SOMETHING MAY HAVE HAPPENED.
Reject worries the INTERNET will make GREMLINS redundant. He pointed out that even the Gremlin King, WESTFICK, once lost an entire month following this menu and the outcome was DISASTROUS....
A girl stole into his HOUSE and claimed she was his GIRLFRIEND. He has since lost EVEN MORE time.
GOD REST YE MERRY WESTFICK...
As GREMLINS we recommend you TRY THIS AT HOME.
Open the internet, while it loads open WORD document containing important and most brilliant WIP.READ ALL OF THE THINGS on Facebook.CHECK EMAIL. Delete spam.READ ALL OF THE THINGS on Twitter
CHECK EMAIL. Delete spam.Open WORD, write one sentence, feel good and productive.RETURN to the internet. SOMETHING MAY HAVE HAPPENED.
Reject worries the INTERNET will make GREMLINS redundant. He pointed out that even the Gremlin King, WESTFICK, once lost an entire month following this menu and the outcome was DISASTROUS....
A girl stole into his HOUSE and claimed she was his GIRLFRIEND. He has since lost EVEN MORE time.
GOD REST YE MERRY WESTFICK...
December 7, 2013
HO HO OH - THE EIGHTH
HER HIGHNESS has started drinking COFFEE again. It's as if she WANTS to help us DESTROY THE WORLD.
Reject has spent most of the afternoon bowing to her and kissing her feet, which explains why he's currently KNOCKED-OUT beneath the desk and likely to be STEPPED on. Treacle tried to drag Reject from behind the desk but her hands stuck to the side and now she's dangling from it like a naked and bald CHRISTMAS TREE. Doesn't help that CROOK in his attempt to cover HER MAJESTY in glitter has spilled half the tube over TREACLE.
GLITTER, GLITTER ON THE BUM is REALLY, REALLY NOT THAT FUN. Tune optional--after all, this is HER MAJESTY'S office.
Reject has spent most of the afternoon bowing to her and kissing her feet, which explains why he's currently KNOCKED-OUT beneath the desk and likely to be STEPPED on. Treacle tried to drag Reject from behind the desk but her hands stuck to the side and now she's dangling from it like a naked and bald CHRISTMAS TREE. Doesn't help that CROOK in his attempt to cover HER MAJESTY in glitter has spilled half the tube over TREACLE.
GLITTER, GLITTER ON THE BUM is REALLY, REALLY NOT THAT FUN. Tune optional--after all, this is HER MAJESTY'S office.
HO HO OH - THE SEVENTH
GREMLINS NEED PRESENTS TOO.
Crook is working on an advertising campaign. Treacle wants to help but of course, GREMLINS never help.
GREMLINS WRECK THE HALLS WITH STICKY LOLLYFA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Treacle's particular talent is sticking together HER MAJESTY'S important notes (which we don't think are that important at all) or wedging chewed toffee between the keys on her ladyship's keyboard.
Thanks to Crook's MAGNIFICENT computer-hacking skills (okay, he has Reject DANCE across the keyboard when THE GREAT BEAST SHE isn't looking) he's managed to COMMUNICATE our CHRISTMAS LIST.
Christmas Crackers containing mini tools such as HAMMERS, SCREWDRIVERS AND HACKSAWS. Jars of BUBBLEGUM. Toilet Rolls. Roller Skates. Itching Powder.
Because her ladyship is HUMAN and therefore STUPID, she's messaged the list via FACEBOOK to her boyfriend and HE is STUPID enough to buy the things for her. Or at least some of the things. For some reason, which even we don't understand, he refused to buy her ALL OF THE THINGS.
Oh no, Crook forgot EARPLUGS.
Crook is working on an advertising campaign. Treacle wants to help but of course, GREMLINS never help.
GREMLINS WRECK THE HALLS WITH STICKY LOLLYFA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Treacle's particular talent is sticking together HER MAJESTY'S important notes (which we don't think are that important at all) or wedging chewed toffee between the keys on her ladyship's keyboard.
Thanks to Crook's MAGNIFICENT computer-hacking skills (okay, he has Reject DANCE across the keyboard when THE GREAT BEAST SHE isn't looking) he's managed to COMMUNICATE our CHRISTMAS LIST.
Christmas Crackers containing mini tools such as HAMMERS, SCREWDRIVERS AND HACKSAWS. Jars of BUBBLEGUM. Toilet Rolls. Roller Skates. Itching Powder.
Because her ladyship is HUMAN and therefore STUPID, she's messaged the list via FACEBOOK to her boyfriend and HE is STUPID enough to buy the things for her. Or at least some of the things. For some reason, which even we don't understand, he refused to buy her ALL OF THE THINGS.
Oh no, Crook forgot EARPLUGS.
December 5, 2013
HO HO OH - THE SIXTH
Apparently, today is her LUCKY day. WE didn't think so.
As GREMLINS we rejoice in supposed LUCKY days. CROOK and REJECT have spent the morning rubbing their hands together in glee. TREACLE tried to do the same but her fingers stuck together with the super glue that was supposed to stick HER MAJESTY'S bum to the chair.
You see, Her Ladyship bought a new dress for a CHRISMAS BALL. She's not going to a BALL and the dress doesn't fit but that hasn't stopped HER LADYSHIP hanging it on the back of the door and occasionally dancing with it.
WE THINK SHE'S MAD.
WE THINK SHE'S MADDER THAN US.
Wheeze has started singing I WILL SURVIVE every time he passes a SKELETON. We never realised he was so DEFIANT and BRAVE and possibly FOOLHARDY.
We don't think it's HER MAJESTY'S lucky day. At last we are about to DEFEAT her. I opened the window last night and then wrapped myself in CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. Hungry moths came in their hundreds, desperate for the taste of lace and satin. The dress is in shreds and the MOTHS are sleeping off their feast beneath the desk. REJECT thinks they're GROSS.
HERE SHE COMES.
SHE sees that the dress is in TATTERS. She pulls it off the hanger. She tries it on and declares it's her LUCKY DAY because the DRESS FITS.
I hate her. I do believe I HATE HER.
FA LA FECKITY!
As GREMLINS we rejoice in supposed LUCKY days. CROOK and REJECT have spent the morning rubbing their hands together in glee. TREACLE tried to do the same but her fingers stuck together with the super glue that was supposed to stick HER MAJESTY'S bum to the chair.
You see, Her Ladyship bought a new dress for a CHRISMAS BALL. She's not going to a BALL and the dress doesn't fit but that hasn't stopped HER LADYSHIP hanging it on the back of the door and occasionally dancing with it.
WE THINK SHE'S MAD.
WE THINK SHE'S MADDER THAN US.
Wheeze has started singing I WILL SURVIVE every time he passes a SKELETON. We never realised he was so DEFIANT and BRAVE and possibly FOOLHARDY.
We don't think it's HER MAJESTY'S lucky day. At last we are about to DEFEAT her. I opened the window last night and then wrapped myself in CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. Hungry moths came in their hundreds, desperate for the taste of lace and satin. The dress is in shreds and the MOTHS are sleeping off their feast beneath the desk. REJECT thinks they're GROSS.
HERE SHE COMES.
SHE sees that the dress is in TATTERS. She pulls it off the hanger. She tries it on and declares it's her LUCKY DAY because the DRESS FITS.
I hate her. I do believe I HATE HER.
FA LA FECKITY!
December 4, 2013
HO HO OH - THE FIFTH
Crook is a master planner. He keeps his detailed plots and maps stuffed beneath her majesty's desk, which she NEVER moves to clean beneath. When we say NEVER we mean--not until today. Her ladyship dropped a pen.
She has a thing for pens. In fact, if you're missing a pen it's more likely to be in her pocket than ours. We leave pens were they are. It's much more fun to half-unscrew a fountain pen and watch the ink dribble over a nice white shirt.
SHE never wears white shirts. Thinks they make her look FAT because shirts have that ability.
FACT (which we pinned to her notice board but she's yet to read): SHE SHOULDN'T EAT NOODLES whatever COLOUR HER SHIRT.
Her messiness makes us feel redundant.
Thanks to HER MAJESTY'S unexpected and inexplicable desk move, there are COFFEE stains all over Crook's plans. I think she forgets we are the GREMLINS here.
She has a thing for pens. In fact, if you're missing a pen it's more likely to be in her pocket than ours. We leave pens were they are. It's much more fun to half-unscrew a fountain pen and watch the ink dribble over a nice white shirt.
SHE never wears white shirts. Thinks they make her look FAT because shirts have that ability.
FACT (which we pinned to her notice board but she's yet to read): SHE SHOULDN'T EAT NOODLES whatever COLOUR HER SHIRT.
Her messiness makes us feel redundant.
Thanks to HER MAJESTY'S unexpected and inexplicable desk move, there are COFFEE stains all over Crook's plans. I think she forgets we are the GREMLINS here.
