Cate Gardner's Blog, page 17
December 22, 2013
HO HO OH - THE TWENTY-THIRD
The Gremlins are wearing black armbands today.
December 21, 2013
HO HO OH -THE TWENTY-SECOND
Reject is wearing a KILT. It makes his knees look as huge as an ogre's eyeballs. He's serenading the GREAT GOD GREMLIN and asking if all Christmases can be white. I prefer ash grey but we all know SHE WHO MUST BE TRIPPED UP hates, hates, loathes, despises, and always falls on her backside in snow. It's a magnificent plan.
TRICKY is off to the supermarket to buy an office load of talcum powder and salt so we can cover the path with it. She'll be too afraid to leave the house, leaving her trapped here with us ALL DAY…
There may be a flaw in the plan.
TRICKY is off to the supermarket to buy an office load of talcum powder and salt so we can cover the path with it. She'll be too afraid to leave the house, leaving her trapped here with us ALL DAY…
There may be a flaw in the plan.
HO HO OH - THE TWENTY-SECOND
CROOK has decided that if he keeps running around the room at GREMLIN SPEED (which is very, very, extraordinarily fast) then he can move the room to Finland. Then, the cold air will freeze her throat. He seems to forget that it will FREEZE us too as SHE never has the heating on.
Apparently, when she was little, they didn't have much money and had to wear seventy-two jumpers and four pairs of mittens and there was no roof on their house. She now thinks she lives in a palace, which explains the ROYAL TEMPERAMENT. We also think she watched WILLY WONKA too many times, which explains the chocolate addiction.
Oh… She just put out her foot and sent Crook flying into the bookcase. Not a single book wobbled--possibly because at last count there were five hundred and ninety six and a half books on her 'to read' shelf.
Apparently, when she was little, they didn't have much money and had to wear seventy-two jumpers and four pairs of mittens and there was no roof on their house. She now thinks she lives in a palace, which explains the ROYAL TEMPERAMENT. We also think she watched WILLY WONKA too many times, which explains the chocolate addiction.
Oh… She just put out her foot and sent Crook flying into the bookcase. Not a single book wobbled--possibly because at last count there were five hundred and ninety six and a half books on her 'to read' shelf.
December 20, 2013
HO HO OH - THE TWENTY-FIRST
Reject is swinging from the bony legs of the skeleton that hangs from her notice board. They both appear to be having fun. HER MAJESTY hasn't even noticed. Hunched over the keyboard, staring with intent at the screen, while occasionally clicking the mouse--we think she's ACTUALLY writing. We must stop her.
REJECT is putting even more effort into his swing. LOOSE JAWS are clacking. Crook is laying PUSH PINS on the floor, but so far, only Treacle has stood on them. Treacle's yelping hasn't disturbed HER HIGHNESS, who keeps muttering something about Renta Claws and blood spiders.
At least she's not singing.
This would be the point, where Her Majesty would say 'touch wood; don't want to tempt the gremlins'. Should be changed to 'touch wood; don't want to tempt Her Ladyship'.
REJECT is putting even more effort into his swing. LOOSE JAWS are clacking. Crook is laying PUSH PINS on the floor, but so far, only Treacle has stood on them. Treacle's yelping hasn't disturbed HER HIGHNESS, who keeps muttering something about Renta Claws and blood spiders.
At least she's not singing.
This would be the point, where Her Majesty would say 'touch wood; don't want to tempt the gremlins'. Should be changed to 'touch wood; don't want to tempt Her Ladyship'.
December 19, 2013
HO HO OH - THE TWENTIETH
Ignore YESTERDAY'S blog post. Time for a frowny face Lor rather five LLLLL's or six if you include the Great GREMLIN God's L
The OFFICE was suitable destroyed. Her Majesty STOMPED and CLASHED up the stairs. She blundered into the office and then promptly dropped the pre-decorated Christmas tree she'd bought, shattering and showering us with glitter and glass. To add injury to injury, she clapped her hands and declared 'Tiny Moving Christmas Trees'. Then she gathered us up and pinned us to the notice board. AGAIN. The others are still trying to escape.
The OFFICE was suitable destroyed. Her Majesty STOMPED and CLASHED up the stairs. She blundered into the office and then promptly dropped the pre-decorated Christmas tree she'd bought, shattering and showering us with glitter and glass. To add injury to injury, she clapped her hands and declared 'Tiny Moving Christmas Trees'. Then she gathered us up and pinned us to the notice board. AGAIN. The others are still trying to escape.
December 18, 2013
HO HO OH - THE NINETEENTH
Pens, pens, pens, pens, pens, pens, pens, PENS!!!!!
Crook has devised a MASTER PLAN to steal all of Her Highness's pens. Reject has torn the pages out of several hundred unused notebooks. Treacle is smearing glue over EVERYTHING. Wheeze is just sitting in the corner wheezing but at least he sounds a bit DARTH VADER(ISH). The GREAT GREMLIN GOD is looking down from his dusty lampshade with a tear in his eye, and I'm about to pluck all the hairs from her most precious WOLF DUDE and scatter them on her keyboard.
We are taking back the OFFICE and destroying CHRISTMAS and all other things for HER ANNOYINGNESS.
Crook has devised a MASTER PLAN to steal all of Her Highness's pens. Reject has torn the pages out of several hundred unused notebooks. Treacle is smearing glue over EVERYTHING. Wheeze is just sitting in the corner wheezing but at least he sounds a bit DARTH VADER(ISH). The GREAT GREMLIN GOD is looking down from his dusty lampshade with a tear in his eye, and I'm about to pluck all the hairs from her most precious WOLF DUDE and scatter them on her keyboard.
We are taking back the OFFICE and destroying CHRISTMAS and all other things for HER ANNOYINGNESS.
HO HO OH - THE EIGHTEENTH
IN THE BLEAK MIDWINTER, DEFROSTING WRITER DID MOANBELLY SOFT AS JELLY, WEIGHS AT LEAST SIXTY STONE…
HER HIGHNESS has been taking chocolates off the tree again. Crook has suggested we steal APPLE PIE from the neighbours and put it in the kitchen so she'll go and bother the KITCHEN SPRITES who have nothing better to do than throw crumbs into corners and steal the last biscuit.
If she goes into one more chorus of WHINE, WHINE DREADFULLY we're going to eat all of the food until our bellies are so full they EXPLODE. If only Treacle hadn't eaten all the MARSHMALLOWS. We could have stuffed them in HER MAJESTY'S ears and mouth until her screeching was a distant mumble. We're not delusional enough to think it would stop her singing.
HER HIGHNESS has been taking chocolates off the tree again. Crook has suggested we steal APPLE PIE from the neighbours and put it in the kitchen so she'll go and bother the KITCHEN SPRITES who have nothing better to do than throw crumbs into corners and steal the last biscuit.
If she goes into one more chorus of WHINE, WHINE DREADFULLY we're going to eat all of the food until our bellies are so full they EXPLODE. If only Treacle hadn't eaten all the MARSHMALLOWS. We could have stuffed them in HER MAJESTY'S ears and mouth until her screeching was a distant mumble. We're not delusional enough to think it would stop her singing.
December 17, 2013
HO HO OH - THE SEVENTEENTH
Who names the spots on their nose? Well, apparently, SHE does and their names are Fred, Ginger and Big Red Pimply Thing.
At least there are no outbursts of…
WE THREE PIMPLES OF CATE ARE BEARING PUS WE STICK OUT SO FAR
or
BIG RED SPOT FIRST POPPED OUT DURING THE FEAST AT STEPHEN'S.
Oh no, earworm, earworm, EARWORM. Must not hum, must not hum. Oh no, here we go… Another rendition of SCREECH SCREECH TERRIBLY.
At least there are no outbursts of…
WE THREE PIMPLES OF CATE ARE BEARING PUS WE STICK OUT SO FAR
or
BIG RED SPOT FIRST POPPED OUT DURING THE FEAST AT STEPHEN'S.
Oh no, earworm, earworm, EARWORM. Must not hum, must not hum. Oh no, here we go… Another rendition of SCREECH SCREECH TERRIBLY.
December 15, 2013
HO HO OH - THE SIXTEENTH
Her Ladyship knows we're here.
She picked up WHEEZE and pretended he was a ball of SNOT. Poor Wheeze is now stuck in the bin alongside soggy tissues and crumpled up story notes that scream of monsters and owls and things that go FA LA LA LA LA in the night. Then she tipped out a bag of MARSHMALLOWS and turned TREACLE into a MARSHMALLOW MONSTER. Poor Treacle is going to have to eat her way out and she HATES marshmallows.
MARSHMALLOWS are for old people with dentures. Even GREMLINS stay away from people with DENTURES.
Once the others are free, we're going to climb onto each other's shoulders and pretend we're a CHRISTMAS TREE then WE ARE GOING TO SING and she is going to…
REJECT thinks SHE'S going to poke a pen at us and snap off our branches.
Oh no… She's just pinned REJECT to the notice board and put a little Santa hat on him. I hope that CROOK has a plan to get them out of this. I'd help but she's glued my feet to a Christmas parcel for her INGENIOUSLY, DEVILLISHLY TALENTED NIECE.
She picked up WHEEZE and pretended he was a ball of SNOT. Poor Wheeze is now stuck in the bin alongside soggy tissues and crumpled up story notes that scream of monsters and owls and things that go FA LA LA LA LA in the night. Then she tipped out a bag of MARSHMALLOWS and turned TREACLE into a MARSHMALLOW MONSTER. Poor Treacle is going to have to eat her way out and she HATES marshmallows.
MARSHMALLOWS are for old people with dentures. Even GREMLINS stay away from people with DENTURES.
Once the others are free, we're going to climb onto each other's shoulders and pretend we're a CHRISTMAS TREE then WE ARE GOING TO SING and she is going to…
REJECT thinks SHE'S going to poke a pen at us and snap off our branches.
Oh no… She's just pinned REJECT to the notice board and put a little Santa hat on him. I hope that CROOK has a plan to get them out of this. I'd help but she's glued my feet to a Christmas parcel for her INGENIOUSLY, DEVILLISHLY TALENTED NIECE.
December 14, 2013
HO HO OH - THE FIFTEENTH
Some SILLY REVIEWER said HER MAJESTY had a UNIQUE VOICE and she being she misunderstood and now sings ALL OF THE TIME.
HE DIDN'T MEAN YOUR SINGING VOICE!!! Crook yells, but his voice is too tiny and hers is TOO SCREECHY.
There are only so many times a Gremlin can hear I FEEL PITY, SO MUCH PITY before going MAD and starting to hallucinate that SKELETONS have taken over the office and are plotting to OVERTHROW the GREMLINS.
Their HOLLOW EYES are watching us now. We're beginning to think she is an EVIL GENIUS and the Gremlin King is her PUPPET. See he's dancing for her. Dancing, dancing, OH MY POOR GREMLIN EYES. He must be overthrown.
HOWLING NIGHT, DREADFUL SIGHT, CAN'T STAY CALM 'COS IT'S A FRIGHT.
Once again she's got the words wrong. Although, this time we think it's because she's looking at her hair in the mirror.
HE DIDN'T MEAN YOUR SINGING VOICE!!! Crook yells, but his voice is too tiny and hers is TOO SCREECHY.
There are only so many times a Gremlin can hear I FEEL PITY, SO MUCH PITY before going MAD and starting to hallucinate that SKELETONS have taken over the office and are plotting to OVERTHROW the GREMLINS.
Their HOLLOW EYES are watching us now. We're beginning to think she is an EVIL GENIUS and the Gremlin King is her PUPPET. See he's dancing for her. Dancing, dancing, OH MY POOR GREMLIN EYES. He must be overthrown.
HOWLING NIGHT, DREADFUL SIGHT, CAN'T STAY CALM 'COS IT'S A FRIGHT.
Once again she's got the words wrong. Although, this time we think it's because she's looking at her hair in the mirror.
