R.S. Gompertz's Blog, page 5
February 17, 2011
Mideast Unrest Spreads to Wisconsin
Madison, Wisconsin. (TOROPRESS)
While state legislators debate public workers' right to collective bargaining, radical nurses, teachers, and Wisconsin state employees insist on exercising their right to freedom of speech and assembly.
What started off as a festive rally in the snow-covered capital of Madison turned ugly last night. Club-wielding plainclothes cops on Segways rushed and beat a contingent of kindergarten teachers. The teachers claims to have been handing out warm milk and graham crackers could not be independently verified.
While the national press focuses on unrest in Libya, reporters have steered clear of The Badger State. The news blackout has protesters frustrated that only democracy movements abroad grab headlines. "We need Al Jazeera!" shouted a militant from the Fond du Lac Mosquito Abatement District.
In a thinly veiled swipe at Michigan, an assistant spokesman for Governor Walker's wine steward accused out-of-state agitators of fomenting unrest. State security officials have expressed concern over new breaches in the border wall with Minnesota and religious extremists were warned not to take advantage of the situation.
Vowing to prevent Madison from becoming the next Tunisia, Governor Scott "Hosni" Walker has called in the National Guard to protect the Nation's cheddar reserves. The Obama Administration was caught off guard by the move and contradicted a recent State Department statement assuring "America's longstanding support" for the regime in Wisconsin which has always been "a bulwark against universal health care in Canada."
Citing every workers right to collective bargaining, the Super Bowl Champion Green Bay Packers have offered to let disenfranchised state workers join the NFL Players Association. "We didn't fight Pittsburgh abroad just to lose our civil rights back home," said a player who requested anonymity.
In response to today's "Day of Polite Disagreement" and threats that Friday will be a full scale "Day of Disappointment," internet and cell phone access have been cut off. Without Facebook and Twitter, protesters have devised alternative communication strategies including "talking to each other."
This video was smuggled out of Wisconsin yesterday
www.noroadsleadtorome.com
While state legislators debate public workers' right to collective bargaining, radical nurses, teachers, and Wisconsin state employees insist on exercising their right to freedom of speech and assembly.
What started off as a festive rally in the snow-covered capital of Madison turned ugly last night. Club-wielding plainclothes cops on Segways rushed and beat a contingent of kindergarten teachers. The teachers claims to have been handing out warm milk and graham crackers could not be independently verified.
While the national press focuses on unrest in Libya, reporters have steered clear of The Badger State. The news blackout has protesters frustrated that only democracy movements abroad grab headlines. "We need Al Jazeera!" shouted a militant from the Fond du Lac Mosquito Abatement District.
In a thinly veiled swipe at Michigan, an assistant spokesman for Governor Walker's wine steward accused out-of-state agitators of fomenting unrest. State security officials have expressed concern over new breaches in the border wall with Minnesota and religious extremists were warned not to take advantage of the situation.
Vowing to prevent Madison from becoming the next Tunisia, Governor Scott "Hosni" Walker has called in the National Guard to protect the Nation's cheddar reserves. The Obama Administration was caught off guard by the move and contradicted a recent State Department statement assuring "America's longstanding support" for the regime in Wisconsin which has always been "a bulwark against universal health care in Canada."
Citing every workers right to collective bargaining, the Super Bowl Champion Green Bay Packers have offered to let disenfranchised state workers join the NFL Players Association. "We didn't fight Pittsburgh abroad just to lose our civil rights back home," said a player who requested anonymity.
In response to today's "Day of Polite Disagreement" and threats that Friday will be a full scale "Day of Disappointment," internet and cell phone access have been cut off. Without Facebook and Twitter, protesters have devised alternative communication strategies including "talking to each other."
This video was smuggled out of Wisconsin yesterday
www.noroadsleadtorome.com
February 12, 2011
Queen Elizabeth Dissolves British Monarchy
London (TOROPRESS)
Shaken by recent events in Tunisia and Egypt and fearful of similar uprisings in London, HRH Queen Elizabeth of England has dissolved the British Monarchy. Confidants suggest she was worried over the possibility of noisy protests and tent villages in Hyde Park.
Observers agreed that the move was both bold and proactive given that the British have not rebelled against their monarchy since the 1600s. Recent opposition was mainly limited to a few aging punk bands, and the crown was unlikely to be put to a popular vote.
A now unemployed spokesman at Buckingham Palace justified the change by saying, "Traditions don't have to last forever, in fact they are more memorable when relegated to the past." Members of the Royal Family were caught off-guard by the surprise announcement. "She's the Queen, I just consort," said her husband, the Duke of Edinburgh.
"Frankly, it was all getting a bit too silly," said Prince Charles. He announced that he will abdicate all claims to the throne and force his sons to get real jobs. "There's really no further point to all this, is there?"
The former Queen, who now wants to be called "Lizzy," also cited a desire to spend more time getting to know her family. "It is my deepest hope that within a few generations my offspring will be normal people," she said via Twitter.
When asked if she intended to return royal lands and holdings to the nation, the Queen answered that she would only hang onto "a few castles and forests."
In her final meeting with the Prime Minister, "Lizzy" expressed some anxiety over becoming a private citizen. "Being Queen meant never wearing the same hat twice," she said. "I have enough hats to fill the Royal Albert Hall. What shall I to do with all these hats?"
www.noroadsleadtorome.com
Shaken by recent events in Tunisia and Egypt and fearful of similar uprisings in London, HRH Queen Elizabeth of England has dissolved the British Monarchy. Confidants suggest she was worried over the possibility of noisy protests and tent villages in Hyde Park.
Observers agreed that the move was both bold and proactive given that the British have not rebelled against their monarchy since the 1600s. Recent opposition was mainly limited to a few aging punk bands, and the crown was unlikely to be put to a popular vote.
A now unemployed spokesman at Buckingham Palace justified the change by saying, "Traditions don't have to last forever, in fact they are more memorable when relegated to the past." Members of the Royal Family were caught off-guard by the surprise announcement. "She's the Queen, I just consort," said her husband, the Duke of Edinburgh.
"Frankly, it was all getting a bit too silly," said Prince Charles. He announced that he will abdicate all claims to the throne and force his sons to get real jobs. "There's really no further point to all this, is there?"
The former Queen, who now wants to be called "Lizzy," also cited a desire to spend more time getting to know her family. "It is my deepest hope that within a few generations my offspring will be normal people," she said via Twitter.
When asked if she intended to return royal lands and holdings to the nation, the Queen answered that she would only hang onto "a few castles and forests."
In her final meeting with the Prime Minister, "Lizzy" expressed some anxiety over becoming a private citizen. "Being Queen meant never wearing the same hat twice," she said. "I have enough hats to fill the Royal Albert Hall. What shall I to do with all these hats?"
www.noroadsleadtorome.com
February 10, 2011
Show Magyarország Some Respect!
I demand that the UN to declare that any nation calling itself a "Democratic People's Republic" should act accordingly. Once sanity is restored, the Security Council should require Britain to stop calling itself "Great" and insist that the USA to stop pretending to be "United."
According to the ever-vigilant International Standards Organization,, where people actually collect a paycheck to worry about these things, there are currently 248 nations on earth.
A quick look at the ISO list reveals that most countries have reasonable names. You just can't argue with a name like Iceland for example. Iceland is a commendable, solid, straightforward name. You know just what you're in for when you go to Iceland. Likewise, the Islamic Republic of Iran could never be accused of false advertising.
But who is North Korea trying to fool by calling itself a "Democratic People's Republic?" Certainly not their own people. At least the Democratic Republic of the Congo is self-aware enough not to call itself popular.
Why would anyone but die-hard foodies visit "The South Sandwich Islands?" Naming your country "British Virgin Islands" beggars belief. What kind of tourism are they trying to encourage?
But once a nation has settled on a name, shouldn't the rest of us honor it? If the Germans call their country Deutschland, what's so bloody hard about the rest of us doing the same? So let's show some respect and start calling Hungary by the same term the locals use: "Magyarország."
Calling Magyarország "Hungary" is worse than calling it "Late to Dinner."
Spain -- sorry, España -- turns the need to translate the obvious into an art form. In España, England's Queen Elizabeth is known as "Isabella," and her son is called "Carlos." If they can get "Harry Potter" right, why does Prince Harry have to become "Enrique?" To their credit, the British take the high road; instead of calling Spain's King Juan Carlos "King John Chucky," they simply don't mention him at all.
Maybe at a deeper level country names represent a people's aspiration for what their nation should be. Perhaps the Congo aspires to be a democratic republic, the Arab Emirates hope to appear united someday, and the states of Micronesia dream of someday being happily federated.
The bushy-tailed optimist in me wants to believe this; why else would some of the world's worst countries (none of them mentioned or remotely implied in this article) have such flowery names? It's probably better not to push too hard on this question. Besides, if every dodgy country on earth were required to name itself accurately – like the "Despotic Police Kleptocracy of This," and the "Blood-soaked Police State of That" – roll call at the UN would take forever.
HRH King Ronald the First of Freedoniawww.noroadsleadtorome.com
January 29, 2011
Transistor Radio - Dedicated to Wolfman Jack
Across the lake near the field where the old man's buried,There's a cedar shake church where my sister got marriedWhen sister left home, she know I'd miss herso she gave me her room and cheap transistor
Transistor RadioI can still hear the static and wolf man callin' on my transistor radio
Shoo bop bop bop, da do run runPumping from a station down in TijuanaThe church bells rang but they never sounded sweetas the guitar twang and the big boss beat
Transistor radio.I can still hear the static and the wolf man callin' on my transistor radio
Voodoo lotion from south of the border Back beat commotion and a hint of disorderSongs about cars, school, music, and girlsSounds about freedom and a strange new world.
I was a little boy listen to a 9 volt boxTrying to hear the future as the signals crossedWashing through the air waves from across the nationPulling in the music from a rebel stationI'm back in daddy's attic and the night is fallingI can still the static and the wolf man callin'I can still hear the static and the wolf man howlin'On my transistor radio …
(c) 2000 RSGwww.noroadsleadtorome.com
January 24, 2011
Spain sues Italy over Roman Occupation
Blaming the "long, slow decline of Iberian infrastructure" on the "reckless withdrawal of Roman troops, engineers, and imperial subsidies," Spain today announced an unprecedented law suit against Italy.
Asked why they had waited over two-thousand years to complain, Spain's Special Prosecutor argued that "it took a long time to build a solid case given that much of the evidence was intentionally buried."
A spokeswoman for the Italian government dismissed the charges as unfounded. "Our legions left Hispania in good shape," she said. "The Visigoths must have messed it up. Sue Germany, not us."
Clear Proof of Foreign Meddling!www.noroadsleadtorome.com
Asked why they had waited over two-thousand years to complain, Spain's Special Prosecutor argued that "it took a long time to build a solid case given that much of the evidence was intentionally buried."
A spokeswoman for the Italian government dismissed the charges as unfounded. "Our legions left Hispania in good shape," she said. "The Visigoths must have messed it up. Sue Germany, not us."
Clear Proof of Foreign Meddling!www.noroadsleadtorome.com
January 11, 2011
On the Fly Winter Bargains
Now that winter has arrived in Europe, the low-comfort, low-cost airlines—many of whom require customers to help push their own planes onto the runway— are falling all over themselves to offer cheap fares to exotic locations. Last week, for example, tourists could fly from frosty Torp, Norway south to semi-tropical Weeze, Germany to for only 15€. (Taxes not included.)
In an all-out air-war over prices, the low-budget carriers have figured out that bargain lovers will rush to some of Europe's' most out-of-the-way places just to save a few quid. Thanks to Ryanair, for example, many of Spaniards will spend the winter in Skavsta, Sweden for the simple reason that it's a good deal.
To keep prices grounded, the no-frills airlines go to great lengths to skimp on costly luxuries like barf bags, or leg room for anyone older than six. The physics are simple: aerodynamically speaking, frills aren't needed to keep a fully-loaded Airbus airborne. Besides, packing passengers together like carbon atoms in a pencil is good for massage therapists and, as a general rule, what's good for massage therapists is good for the global economy.
In addition to subtracting every remaining sub-atomic particle of customer service, the low-cost kings have reduced staffing levels to the legal limit. This means that the person selling you duty-free "Pringles" is also piloting the plane. By dropping the air-pressure in the cabin to that of deep space, the airlines are assured lucrative profits on water sales to dehydrated travelers.
Fortunately for us, the intense focus on savings hasn't impacted safety. I salute the airlines' efforts to reduce expenses by not equipping planes with flotation devices. Who really believes that, in the event of a water landing, you'll be saved by your soggy seat-bottom? www.noroadsleadtorome.com
January 5, 2011
Airport Insecurity
Barcelona's El Prat is my favorite airport in Europe for the simple reason that the security guards trust the passengers. Their abundant faith in the basic goodness of humanity was confirmed when I flew from the Catalan capital to Frankfurt-Main without being asked to show a shred of identification.
After a delayed departure, I landed in Frankfurt with less than thirty minutes to catch my connecting flight to the USA. But the long, slow-moving line of cheerless passengers at the first security checkpoint suggested that this airport did not consider me, or anyone else to be a trustworthy traveler.
One at a time, we were searched and scrutinized by the stern Saxon sentinels. "It's for your own security," shouted a customs agent wrestling a rosary loose from a devious looking nun.
Those of us who passed the first test were sent on to the next congested checkpoint where for every security guard working, there were five others chatting idly. This was an obvious attempt to provoke the psychologically less stable among us into a self-incriminating fit of frustration. Most of remained calm but it did help shorten the line a bit.
Plane after plane departed as we were herded through increasingly difficult tests designed to ferret out passenger treachery. A Turkish diplomatic was rudely told he would have to wait ten years before being allowed in the queue reserved for "EU Nationals."
An immodest body massage from a former East German border guard contributed to my mounting anxiety. Did Germany want me to stay here forever? And why had Barcelona been so eager to see me leave?
The next line quickly halved when EU citizens lacking passports with US government required magnetic strip were sent off for blood samples. At the next interrogation station, families were grilled separately. Fretful husbands turned against their wives, and promises of "Kinder Eggs" induced terrified children to denounce their haggard parents.
Longing to be trusted again, I scanned the departure list hoping to find a plane back to Spain, but I was trapped. My self-pity was interrupted by the cries of a lost Ukrainian child. Fortunately a noble couple offered to adopt her on the spot.
At the next station we exited German territory and entered the militarized zone that now extends beyond US territorial waters and into airport corridors around the world. We had passed the point of no return where Europe ends and the tightly secured land of the free begins. US security officials, probably Halliburton subcontractors, verified that no riff-raff had slipped through the gaping holes in the German security dragnet.
Leaving no stoner unturned, a teenager was dragged away when the guards found a Cat Stevens song on his iPod. An elderly man with a titanium hip implant set off the metal detectors so many times that a US Army Surgeon was summoned to remove it.
By this point, so many people had missed their flights that Lufthansa announced a special government program where, for 100,000 frequent flier miles, we could obtain temporary asylum in Latvia. Those who expressed interest were immediately arrested. I'm happy to report that German prisons have vastly improved over the past few decades. www.noroadsleadtorome.com
January 1, 2011
Prediction: 2011 will be the Dumbest Year Ever
I'm so tired of all the smug predictions from pundits, cultural gatekeepers, and people who are smarter than I am. I offer my predictions for 2011 in the sincere hope that none of them really happen.
Show Biz, Culture, and lack thereof:
Transformer Optimus Prime will have a trashy love affair with a garbage truck.
In addition to "friend" status, Facebook will add "acquaintance" and "who the F#%!#K is this person?"
Wikileaks will reveal Victoria's secret. Sting, Cher, Prince, Madonna, and Beyonce will change their last names.Lil' Wayne will start a Texas rock band called Wheezy Top.Lady Gaga will join the Goo Goo Dolls on the Goo Goo Gaga Tour.Yoko will join with U2 for an album called "Plastic Ono Bono." They'll record in mono.
The "Cowboys and Aliens" movie will trigger an insufferable number of imitations including: "Clowns and Ninjas," "Low Riders and Pirates," and "Republicans and Immigrants."
Politics:
To reduce the US deficit and increase his popularity, Obama will sell Louisiana back to the French.
After announcing her candidacy for president, Sarah Palin will vow to repeal all laws of physics that slow down the economy.
Business:
The US Post Office will eliminate Saturday delivery and no one will notice.Bing & Yahoo will merge and relaunch as Boo-Hoo.Facebook will merge with Wikileaks in an attempt to improve its privacy policies.We'll learn that Google is really the CIA.As a proactive measure, Toyota will just recall everything.Whether any of this happens or not, it's a mathematical certainty that 2011 will be an odd year. All the best!www.noroadsleadtorome.com
Show Biz, Culture, and lack thereof:
Transformer Optimus Prime will have a trashy love affair with a garbage truck.
In addition to "friend" status, Facebook will add "acquaintance" and "who the F#%!#K is this person?"
Wikileaks will reveal Victoria's secret. Sting, Cher, Prince, Madonna, and Beyonce will change their last names.Lil' Wayne will start a Texas rock band called Wheezy Top.Lady Gaga will join the Goo Goo Dolls on the Goo Goo Gaga Tour.Yoko will join with U2 for an album called "Plastic Ono Bono." They'll record in mono.
The "Cowboys and Aliens" movie will trigger an insufferable number of imitations including: "Clowns and Ninjas," "Low Riders and Pirates," and "Republicans and Immigrants."
Politics:
To reduce the US deficit and increase his popularity, Obama will sell Louisiana back to the French.
After announcing her candidacy for president, Sarah Palin will vow to repeal all laws of physics that slow down the economy.
Business:
The US Post Office will eliminate Saturday delivery and no one will notice.Bing & Yahoo will merge and relaunch as Boo-Hoo.Facebook will merge with Wikileaks in an attempt to improve its privacy policies.We'll learn that Google is really the CIA.As a proactive measure, Toyota will just recall everything.Whether any of this happens or not, it's a mathematical certainty that 2011 will be an odd year. All the best!www.noroadsleadtorome.com
December 21, 2010
The Kings of Commerce - Twelfth Night in Barcelona
The Kings of Commerce(Excerpt from "The Expat's Pajamas")
The Christmas holiday in Spain lasts for two long, work-free weeks culminating in "Reyes" which celebrates the beginning of the discount season. "Reyes" or "Kings Day," the proverbial "twelfth night" of Christmas, commemorates the visitation of the three Magi from the Orient —Gaspar, Balthazar, and Aznar—who bring good tidings and cheap products from their respective low-wage kingdoms. Unlike many countries, where shopping must conclude before Christmas day, in Spain — a land where procrastination is worth waiting for — parents can delay gift purchase decisions until the new tax year. You can tell where the money is in this country by following the kings. In the town where I lived --Sant Cugat, famous for the depth of its nova-yuppie culture--the kings arrive by helicopter accompanied by klieg lights, fog machines, and a stage show worthy of The Rolling Stones. After the kings' assault chopper touched down, they were paraded through the town in monster trucks followed by elaborate floats, marching bands, and lots of plugs for local enterprises. Dignitaries riding the garish floats enjoyed pelting the plebes with rock-hard candy and shouts of good tidings.Catalans love fire, danger, and demons and find a way to work them into all celebrations from baptisms to funerals. One of the floats was a giant stew pot full of nuns being cooked by happy devils. The sisters simmered in the soup while the flame-stoking demons danced and stirred the stew with their pitchforks.
The Kings of Commerce eventually arrived at the local monastery where a hooded priest brought them a plastic baby to endorse and revere. After sufficient adoration and a demonstration of the toy's many child-pleasing features, the royal retailers distributed discount coupons for local stores and then drove around town throwing more hard candy at children. Next, the parade floats wound around town so that all kids, rich and richer, had a chance to dive under the tractor wheels to fetch the fallen candy. Seeing children risk being mashed to mince by tractors, horses, and hummers adds a level of heart-stopping excitement that simply can't be found elsewhere. Each king signifies an important value like faith, hope, and disdain for immigrants. The "African" king (usually a white guy with a painted face) is the kids' favorite for the obvious reason that he brings toys. The other two geezers just bring clothes, school supplies, and EU subsidies. While Sant Cugat's Kings voyage by helicopter, it's widely believed that the real kings traveled on camel back. In deference to this tradition, local pastry shops sell little bowls of chocolate camel dung for parents to leave as proof that dromedaries and dukes still deliver the goodies. How the camels sneak into high-rise security apartment buildings isn't much of a concern, nor is the fact that their poop is edible. Why question a sweet thing?www.noroadsleadtorome.com
The Christmas holiday in Spain lasts for two long, work-free weeks culminating in "Reyes" which celebrates the beginning of the discount season. "Reyes" or "Kings Day," the proverbial "twelfth night" of Christmas, commemorates the visitation of the three Magi from the Orient —Gaspar, Balthazar, and Aznar—who bring good tidings and cheap products from their respective low-wage kingdoms. Unlike many countries, where shopping must conclude before Christmas day, in Spain — a land where procrastination is worth waiting for — parents can delay gift purchase decisions until the new tax year. You can tell where the money is in this country by following the kings. In the town where I lived --Sant Cugat, famous for the depth of its nova-yuppie culture--the kings arrive by helicopter accompanied by klieg lights, fog machines, and a stage show worthy of The Rolling Stones. After the kings' assault chopper touched down, they were paraded through the town in monster trucks followed by elaborate floats, marching bands, and lots of plugs for local enterprises. Dignitaries riding the garish floats enjoyed pelting the plebes with rock-hard candy and shouts of good tidings.Catalans love fire, danger, and demons and find a way to work them into all celebrations from baptisms to funerals. One of the floats was a giant stew pot full of nuns being cooked by happy devils. The sisters simmered in the soup while the flame-stoking demons danced and stirred the stew with their pitchforks.
The Kings of Commerce eventually arrived at the local monastery where a hooded priest brought them a plastic baby to endorse and revere. After sufficient adoration and a demonstration of the toy's many child-pleasing features, the royal retailers distributed discount coupons for local stores and then drove around town throwing more hard candy at children. Next, the parade floats wound around town so that all kids, rich and richer, had a chance to dive under the tractor wheels to fetch the fallen candy. Seeing children risk being mashed to mince by tractors, horses, and hummers adds a level of heart-stopping excitement that simply can't be found elsewhere. Each king signifies an important value like faith, hope, and disdain for immigrants. The "African" king (usually a white guy with a painted face) is the kids' favorite for the obvious reason that he brings toys. The other two geezers just bring clothes, school supplies, and EU subsidies. While Sant Cugat's Kings voyage by helicopter, it's widely believed that the real kings traveled on camel back. In deference to this tradition, local pastry shops sell little bowls of chocolate camel dung for parents to leave as proof that dromedaries and dukes still deliver the goodies. How the camels sneak into high-rise security apartment buildings isn't much of a concern, nor is the fact that their poop is edible. Why question a sweet thing?www.noroadsleadtorome.com
December 16, 2010
Sweden: Birthplace of The Blues
A few years ago, I spent a few hazy shades of winter days in Stockholm, Sweden. Gray, eerie, and beautiful; the city appeared to be skating on an endless sheet of Baltic ice.
A couple of people I spoke with claimed they were having an unseasonably warm winter and I was glad to see the Swedes enjoying the tropical weather, but after a day of wandering around outdoors I felt frozen to the point of shattering. Around 3:00 PM the leaden sky dissolved into purple haze; within an hour the night was painted so black that not even a bad moon would dare to rise.
On our last night in Stockholm I suggested to my friends that we check out a little blues bar I had noticed at the edge of town. My love for the blues has taken me into a lot of dodgy places, even jamming on stage. I figured that a tiny dive in this most non-bluesy of countries during the dead of winter would be pretty tame.
And so it seemed. A faded poster of Muddy Waters. A tiny dance floor. An over-amplified and below average white band slogged through 12-bar standards and harmless shuffles.
A skinny, threadbare but harmless looking character was spinning around alone, carefully avoiding an uncovered hole that opened to a subterranean room. Seconds after our beers arrived, he two-stepped over to our table and, hearing us speaking English, started screaming, "F---- AMERICANS!!!"
"We're Canadian," said my quick-thinking friend who really was both. I smiled cheerfully, trying to look the part.
Our new pal repeated his warm greeting and then shuffled away, captivated by the band that played the blues so poorly that they needed sheet music.
Minutes later, Jack Flash jumped back with more creative F-word conjugations. His grammar was impeccable. Tangled up in his own shade of blue, he drifted away. Free falling. Dancing with himself.
He was far from running on empty. Whiskey, bourbon, beer …. this shabby ambassador of international bad-will slammed enough cold shots to bankrupt the Vatican.
And the band played on, doing their best to bring it on home.
The nowhere man let it be for a while. He was reeling and rocking like tumbling dice. I'd almost succeeded in ignoring him until he tried to walk out of the bar wearing my jacket. This was doubly irritating because, (a) I liked this coat and, (b) I would have died after two minutes in the sub-arctic streets without it.
Once, long ago, I had my nose broken when I made the mistake of trying to reason with a drunk, so I gently nudged this northern nebbish, and coaxed him out of my coat. I pulled his arm out of my sleeve and he spun away like a top.
The band strangled a slow shuffle as he scuttle butted around the room, slamming into tables like a pinball.
In less than no time, Professor No-Hair was back at our table shouting at the devil. "YOU HAVE NO BLUES IN AMERICA!!" He gave us the evil eye, his bare skull steaming. "AMERICA STOLE THE BLUES FROM SWEDEN!!"
Sweden: the birthplace of the boogaloo. I hadn't known.
"YOU HAVE NO REAL BLUES!!" he barked like a howling wolf.
"We're from Canada," I said, rambling on my mind. "It's like Sweden, without the blues." At this point there was no reason to wait for the midnight hour. When he launched back into his rapidly decaying orbit, we hit the wet streets trying to remember whose bad idea this wild night had been.
"YOU HAD TO COME TO SWEDEN TO HEAR THE REAL BLUES!!" he yelled, following us out into the sub-zero. But without the benefit of my famous blue raincoat he wouldn't last long outdoors.
At the crossroads we could still hear him twisting and shouting. "SWEDEN IS THE TRUE HOME OF THE BLUES!!"
For him it was the gospel truth.www.noroadsleadtorome.com
