Lisa Roecker's Blog, page 44

Top 5 Things That Are Always Funny

There are certain things that are pretty much a guaranteed laugh in LiLa Land.
1. Throwing the word "yo" onto the end of a sentence. Example: Just buildin' some street buzz, yo. We dare you not to laugh.

2. When Laura tries to type the phrase, "Eye-yi-yi." The spelling changes every time (Aye-yie-yie, I-yi-yi, Iye-yiy-yiy) and brings to mind the play West Side Story in the best way possible.

3. Mia. Lisa's daughter is unintentionally hilarious. She's constantly running into walls, clicks with her tongue and points when she doesn't know the word for something and regularly falls asleep during preschool music concerts. You can't not laugh when you're around her. I swear, we're laughing with her.

4. Awkward middle school pictures.

5. Chugging. Contrary to popular belief chugging is not only the act of drinking something rapidly, it's also a little known 90's dance move taught exclusively at Sharon's School of Dance in Twinsburg, Ohio.

Runners up include: the term "rode hard and put away wet," Sassy Gay Friend YouTube Videos, and this.

What about you guys? What's guaranteed to get a laugh out of you?

If you write YA, you need to watch this...

So, the buffalo roller skating post is on hold until we can obtain some vital photographic evidence...hopefully later this week.

For all the YA writers (and local news aficionados - I'm looking at YOU Joni "The Regulator" Roecker) watch and enjoy...

Cranktastic Friday

It's Friday and we're feeling cranky. The following bullet points about sent us over the edge.
According to Yahoo News (my favored news source), Parenthood, one of the best shows ever, is on the bubble. Must. Remove. Favorite. Show. From. Bubble. So, link arms with us and sway back and forth. If we all band together and set our DVRs we can save this show, dammit. I'm getting flashbacks of My So Called Life and we all know how I feel about Jordan Catalano. I'm sure others have spoken out before us, but we just can't take it anymore. What is the deal with celebrities and their eyelashes lately? It's out of control. The Kardashian sisters are by far the worst offenders. They appear to have dead spiders attached to their lash lines. Every time I see them, their lashes get longer and I get the urge to stab them in the eye with a mascara wand.Blogger has been putting bullet points in strange places, refusing to allow me to upload pictures (it sounds like I'm sending morse code when I try) and failing to save changes. It's being a cranky little biatch and I'm over it. Over it, Blogger.For as long as I've known my husband, he's LOVED Halloween. In 6th grade, he and his friends came to school with nylons over their heads, dressed as burglars. Classy. I guess times have changed because the other day, he came hauling this into our house. More on this later, I'm sure.
I'm pretty sure Lisa had her last optimistic bone removed sometime during Ben's birth. She currently gives new meaning to the word cranktastic. Yeah, she's so cranky I'm making up words for her state of mind. I'm totally tempted to lace her Diet Coke with antidepressants, but I'm afraid she'll attack me with a cordless phone from the mid-90's.We're going to try to rest up this weekend and sleep our moodiness away. We promise to write a much happier post on Monday that may or may not involve buffalo and roller skates. Get excited and have a great weekend!

The Bookanistas: CONFESSIONS OF THE SULLIVAN SISTERS

The second I saw the cover for CONFESSIONS OF THE SULLIVAN SISTERS I knew without a doubt that I had to get my hands on this book. It didn't hurt that Natalie Standiford also wrote HOW TO SAY GOODBYE IN ROBOT, which was unlike anything I'd ever read before (in the best way possible - if you haven't read it yet, you should). I was kind of dying to see what this extremely talented writer would do with a book about spoiled little rich girls who are forced to confess all of their sins to their crazy grandmother to avoid getting disinherited. 
I was not disappointed.
Here's what the back cover has to say:The Sullivan sisters have a big problem. On Christmas Day their rich and imperious grandmother gathers the family and announces that she will soon die . . .and has cut the entire family out of her will. Since she is the source of almost all their income, this means they will soon be penniless. 
Someone in the family has offended her deeply. If that person comes forward with a confession of her (or his) crime, submitted in writing to her lawyer by New Year's Day, she will reinstate the family in her will. Or at least consider it. 
And so the confessions begin.... 
Lila's take:CONFESSIONS OF THE SULLIVAN SISTERS is a highly entertaining peek into a family with blood so blue it might as well have a nail polish named after it. Some might write this book off as "bitch lit" based on the cover copy, but Standiford's quirky style and unique cast of characters make this novel stand out. Norrie, Jane and Sassy don't fall into any of the typical Gossip Girl-esque rich girl stereotypes and as a result, the Sullivans practically jump off the page. Each sister has a distinct voice and personality, and their grandmother, The Almighty, is fascinating. I'd love to read a book about her exploits as a young debutant. In fact, I think I'd love to read a book devoted to any of the characters introduced in this book. I want more Sullivans, dammit! But don't take my word for it. Check out Jane Sullivan's blog, myevilfamily.com, to get a taste of Standiford's genius. You can thank me later.
A big thank you to Kelsey who sent us this ARC. You guys have to check out her blog. She reviews all of the best YA books AND she's (ahem) an actual YA. My 16-year-old self is insanely jealous of her. Ok, fine, my 32-year-old self is pretty jealous too.
Here's what the other Bookanistas are up to this week: Kirsten Hubbard Woos Us with WITHER Shannon Messenger Fangirls THE FAMILIARS
Elana Johnson Tells Us About Torment
Christine Fonseca Moons over MATCHED 
Shelli Johannes-Wells Marvels over Middle Grade
Myra McEntire Beholds the British Special Edition of the TWILIGHT SAGA
Carolina Valdez Miller Is Moved by MARBURY LENS Beth Revis Adores ANNA AND THE FRENCH KISS Megan Miranda Swoons Over STOLEN

The Thin Line Between Funny and Lame

Have you ever thought about the difference one word can make?

We have a line in THE LIAR SOCIETY that reads as follows:

"Liam shook his head back and forth, and Seth looked like he might poop his pants."

Our copyeditor helpfully pointed out that, gramatically speaking, it should read:

"Liam shook his head back and forth, and Seth looked like he might poop in his pants."

But, um, that's not funny. At. All.

Isn't it amazing how one two letter word can transform a sentence from a snarky observation to a Depends commercial?

For the record we ended up accepting almost every single change our copyeditor proposed (we're pretty sure she's some kind of genius), except that one. What can we say? We take the whole pants pooping thing very seriously.

Tuesday, random Tuesday

1. Scare Tactics, hosted by Tracy Morgan on the SyFy network is the most messed up show I have ever seen. Just take a second and imagine the following scenario. You're a temp (been there done that). You're working with a reporter. The story involves dead pigs in a barn. When you get to the barn, you're forced to describe said mutilated pig, which looks like a crime scene complete with a strange black circle mark on its back. Then there's a noise across the barn and some person dressed up in the most realistic alien costume I've ever seen darts around a corner. You grab onto the reporter and scream like a little girl until someone asks you repeatedly if you're scared and you scream, "YES" and they say, "Good because you're on Scare Tactics." This is my worst nightmare.

2. I have gotten to the point where every free moment I have (okay, the free moments where I'm not watching Scare Tactics) are spent reading. I listen to books in the car (which apparently qualifies me as a loser), have a book going on my Kindle at the gym and an actual book (usually 2) at home on my nightstand for before bed. I have to finish a book by Thursday, a new one by Sunday, another by next Wednesday and skim a book I've already read for next Thursday. Oh and I should be writing too. And probably sleeping. I might be in a few too many book clubs.

3. Lisa asked me if I could choose any celeb/influential person to read, love and promote our book who would it be and why. I said I'd love a shot of Lauren Conrad reading our book in Us Magazine. Lisa wants Selena Gomez on board. This is a fascinating question and we are adding it to our list of interview questions we always ask stat.

4. Lisa just stumbled across this here blog and we love it. Hard.

5. I spent all of yesterday holding Benny. Nobody can get enough. Lydia practically climbs on top of me when he's in my arms and repeats the same line over and over again. "Look at him, look at him, look at him." She's obsessed. I caught Jack and Lydia almost climbing in his crib where Jack had jammed his finger in Ben's mouth. To defend himself, Jack said, "He just likes to suck my thumb." Ben, I'd like you to meet my friend the Germ. Mia comes sprinting with the paci if Ben makes so much as a whimper and is ready and rearing to jam it in his little mouth. The only person who could take him or leave him is Will. Will is literally about to become a big brother any second and chooses to ignore this fact. Ben is only an annoying reminder.

So that's all she wrote. Got any randoms of your own?

PS: Thank you all so much for your opinions about our friend the DILF. We've managed to come to a compromise that doesn't involve cuddling up with a wet blanket or subscribing to Playboy magazine. DILF stays, but the line now reads...

Before I'd finished gathering my books, the door opened. Mr. Farrow (voted #1 DILF three years running by the fourth year girls), current CEO of Farrow Developers and president of the Pemberly Brown Academy Board made his way in. Now this was getting interesting.

Judgement Day

Okay, so the drama over DILF continues and we need your help. If you haven't been on Twitter, here are the cold, hard facts...

Laura is having some second thoughts about including DILF in the manuscript. Lisa is not. Laura is a wet blanket. Lisa's pushing to scandalize children.

Context: Kate, our MC, is about to have a conversation with Mr. Farrow, hot dad.
Before I'd finished gathering my stuff, the door opened. Mr. Farrow, current CEO of Farrow Developers, president of the Pemberly Brown Academy Board, and total DILF (please don't make me translate that) made his way in. Now this was getting interesting.
So, is Laura overthinking it (as usual)? Or is Lisa gearing up to spread filth? You be the judge...
DILF, yay or nay? Yay! Hello? It's hilarious. DILF, DILF, DILF, DILF, DILF, D-DILFNay! It's crossing the line, yo. What is this porn?
  pollcode.com free polls

Happy Birthday Lisa!

Growing up, Lisa and I had a very tumultuous relationship. We pretty much fought all the time and when we weren't fighting, we were ganging up to torture poor Stacey. Good. Times.

If someone would have told me at 12 that I'd one day write a book with my big sister, I would have probably started crying. I was very sensitive. Plus, how could I ever write a book with someone who hit me over the head with a cordless phone? Who hit me so hard the phone broke. Who insisted I help her bury the evidence along the railroad tracks near our home. Who demanded I not crack a smile whenever our mom paged said phone and asked, "How could a phone just disappear?"

But today is Lisa's birthday. And while there's no way I can top the OTHER Roeckers' birthday post to her last year, I'm going to try to honor our birthday girl with a little trip down memory lane…

July 12, 1991: I began writing my diary under the pseudonym, "The Kerring" after Lisa read an entry aloud as my crush Brian listened on. If only I had been cunning enough to use the alias all along. #hindsightsabitch

February 22, 1992: Dear Diary, Yesterday was my birthday and Lisa wouldn't let me borrow her clogs. I borrowed Emily's leather Keds instead. She's so mean! Love, The Kerring

September 13, 1993: Poem written in diary after an entry about a particularly nasty fight with Lisa:

Look in my eyes, see who I am
I am not you, I am me

I think different
You always yell, you always scream

Just try to think how I feel
Your screams put a bruise on my heart

I try to talk, but listen you won't
The words that mean so much
Were never said.
My heart just waited, no more will I wait.

March 5, 1995: I wrote a story called "The Sister" for English class creative writing. It involves a fire and a sister, who *spoiler alert* dies. Teacher's comment: My God, Laura, is this real? Yep. There was something wrong with me. I still must have been pissed off about those clogs.

But somewhere along the way, "The Kerring" signed her name for the last time, the angry poems petered out and the writing took on a new, slightly less alarming focus. Instead of fighting over the phone or brown, suede clogs, we're fighting over including the word DILF in our manuscript or laughing till we cry over old pictures with triangle shaped hair, hand-me-down clothes and jacked up teeth.

Happy Birthday, Lisa. I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but I'm so thankful to have best friends in both my sisters. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'M BACK

Ok, ok, I'm not officially back, but I'm getting there. I still spend about 75% of my day changing diapers and trying to protect poor Ben from his insanely enthusiastic and extremely clumsy older siblings.

Here's what I've learned so far on my maternity leave:
Best shows to watch during late night feedings: Cheaters and Jackass. They're always on at 3 AM and they're just as (if not MORE) entertaining without volume.Baby blues are so last season, I've got baby bitchface: Yeah, so I've been a little crabby lately. This might have something to do with the fact that I'm operating on an average of 4 hours of sleep a night and I'm shoehorning myself into clothes that are at least three sizes too small. It's really hard to smile when the waistband of your yoga pants are cutting off your air supply. Anyway, Laura has been giving me a hard time and quickly responding to any and all e-mails that come in because she claims my negativity isn't productive. I'd argue that while my negativity isn't productive, it's at least entertaining. This picture really makes me want to kill someone. Seriously, if I met Gisele in person at this point in my life I'd like to think I'd be able to snap her in half or if she manages to take me down with her sweet kung fu moves, at least force feed her a cheeseburger.I'm irrationally angry with my husband. No good reason, really. He's just around a lot and it's kind of fun to unleash the brunt of my hormones on him from time to time.  It's my birthday this weekend and I've given him just enough rope to hang himself with. Anyone want to take bets on whether or not he buys me a pair of skinny jeans in a size 2 or a bikini? Based on his gift giving history this might end in divorce.Ben's theme song has revealed itself: Ok, this is totally lame, but all of my kids have a theme song. It's a random song that brings back fond memories of me blasting it in the car in order to drown out their incessant crying. (Feel free to mail in my nomination for Mother of the Year right now) Without further ado, Ben's song*:I'm thisclose to taking the blog back: Yeah, that's right Laura and Lisa Writes is going DOWN. Well, it's totally going down once I figure out how to type on my laptop and feed Ben at the same time. I swear I'm like a week off from getting my technique totally perfected. Watch your back, Laura.So...that's what I've been up to the past couple of weeks. I miss all of you desperately and I can't wait to get back into the swing of things. Ben is gorgeous and I'm loving every second of my time with him, but I'm excited to get back to my old, compulsive self. Soon enough. 
In the meantime...I've got important business to take care of...
Have a fabulous weekend everyone!
*Please note, we only listen to the edited version of this song while driving carpool. No need to call child services. Yet.

Bookinistas: HALF UPON A TIME

First things first. Head on over to Twitter and follow @_JamesRiley_. You will not regret it.
Okay, back to business. HALF UPON A TIME made me want to apply for teaching jobs again just so I could read this book aloud to middle schoolers. As I laughed out loud by myself, all I could think about was how much fun it would be to laugh out loud with a room full of eleven-year-olds.
Here's the synopsis:

Life's no fairy tale for Jack. After all, his father's been missing ever since that incident with the beanstalk and the giant, and his grandfather keeps pushing him to get out and find a princess to rescue. Who'd want to rescue a snobby, entitled princess anyway? Especially one that falls out of the sky wearing a shirt that says "Punk Princess," and still denies she's royalty. In fact, May doesn't even believe in magic. Yeah, what's that about? May does need help though--a huntsman is chasing her, her grandmother has been kidnapped, and Jack thinks it's all because of the Wicked Queen . . . mostly because May's grandmother might just be the long-lost Snow White. Jack and May's thrillingly hilarious adventure combines all the classic stories—fractured as a broken magic mirror—into one epic novel for the ages.

Lila's Take:

HALF UPON A TIME has it all--voice (oh my gosh, what voice. Not that we're surprised. Hello? Twitter.), charming fairy tale characters with a twist, hilarity and an adventure-filled plot. Oh, and the end is totally unexpected and sets up the next book in the series seemlessly. It's like the book-version of Shrek (but better, obviously. I mean, come on, it's a book)--there's something for everyone and I can't wait to share it with my daughter one day.
Oh, and most importantly, this book is the perfect reminder that kids are never too old to be read to. Give it a try with HALF UPON A TIME. And be sure to check out what the other Bookinstas are up to this week:


Elana Johnson is spreading the word about XVI.
Christine Fonseca is celebrating Cinders.
Shannon Messenger is inspired by Selling Hope.
Shelli Johannes-Wells and Myra McEntire can't get enough of The Near Witch cover.
Megan Miranda is excited about Monsters of Men.Carolina Valdez Miller highlights the hottest November releases