Mary Sisney's Blog - Posts Tagged "teaching"
Operation Broken Microwave: Teaching Gratitude to the Ungrateful
I usually don't make New Year's Resolutions because I don't like to begin the new year with a lie. But I am making an exception this year because I recently discovered that my relationship with my mother needs adjustment. She has been living with me at least part of the year since 1990 when I was 41 and she was 62. From 1992 to 1997, she spent most of the year in our hometown, Henderson, Kentucky, living with me only during the winter months. Since November, 1997, however, she and I have lived together all of the time, spring, fall, summer, and winter; all day, every day, we have been living together.
Despite the fact that she is a talkative, high-maintenance drama queen, and I am an impatient (so is she), cranky, old hag who enjoys solitude, my mother and I have, for the most part, coexisted peacefully. We find each other funny, and everyone who encounters us, including salespeople in stores, doctors/nurses, the Molly Maids, handymen, and plumbers think we are hilarious. Some people have even suggested we should have a reality television show. However, as my now eighty-five-year-old mother has become increasingly more dependent on me, I noticed some changes in her attitude. About two years ago, she started complaining when I talked on the telephone. Although I actually talk on the phone less now than I did in the past because I can e-mail or post on facebook, she complains when she hears me on the telephone. I'm either talking too loud, too fast, or just too much. I was also disturbed by her seeming determination to prevent any of our close relatives from moving to California. One of my nieces is planning to move to San Diego because her husband, a soldier, is stationed there. The niece has a great job in Atlanta, but she and her two children obviously want to be with her husband. My mother argues that she should stay in Atlanta and not give up her good job. And when I suggested that my nephew, who is a musician currently living in Chicago, should move to this area because it's safer, she said, "They shoot more young black men in L.A. than in Chicago."
I want my niece, nephew or some other close relative living nearer for support during those medical emergencies that plague all old people not named Betty White. But my mother doesn't need anyone because she has me. When she mentioned that if my niece moved to San Diego, she would want us to babysit her children (San Diego is more than two hours away, and my niece is no fool; she wouldn't leave her beloved children with us), I realized that my mother didn't want any competition for my attention. Before I retired, she was never bothered by my telephone conversations, but since retirement, I have been a 24-7 unpaid caretaker/chauffeur, and my mother likes it like that.
There is one problem, however; I am almost three years older than my mother was when she moved in with me. So I'm now ready to be the old woman being taken care of instead of the younger caretaker. Because I didn't learn to drive until I was thirty-three, chauffeuring is the biggest problem for me, so I've suggested that she find a friend or neighbor to take her to the mall when she wants to go, and I am no longer willing to drive her to church for the one-hour service and then come back to pick her up. I'll take her, and she can ask one of her church members to bring her home. Enlisting a friendly neighbor or church member to assist with the chauffeuring will not only relieve me of my now too numerous for an aging baby boomer caretaking duties, but would also allow my mother, who has not been in the car with anyone except me since 2008, to interact with someone other than her daughter.
Of course, my mother's reaction was to accuse me of being mean, a terrible child. Since I took her to church and picked her up for nine years without complaining, she doesn't see why I can't continue to do it. When I remind her that I'm four years older than she was when her husband died, so she never had to take care of an old person (my stepfather was seventeen years older than his second wife) at my age, she doesn't seem to get it. Since I'm still twenty-one years younger than she is, she thinks I'm young, a girl.
But don't worry. I have a plan. It's called "Operation Broken Microwave." My mother is not unusual in taking the kindness and good deeds of a relative or friend for granted. We all do it. We all tend to treat people the way we do our appliances and equipment. Just as when we first get a new microwave, car, or computer, we are delighted with it and might talk about how much time and trouble it saves us but soon become used to it, so we are grateful the first few times a friend or family member drives us somewhere or lets us borrow the car but soon take those good deeds for granted and come to expect them. And just as we don't appreciate our microwave, car, or computer again until it breaks, so we don't appreciate the good deeds of our family members or friends until they are not available to us.
Therefore, in 2014 I resolve to be less available to my mother. Because I am a homebody whose favorite activities are writing and reading, I'm usually at home 22 hours out of 24. I'm always there to take care of her. In 2014 I'm planning to take day trips, go to the mall, and sit and people watch, go to libraries. I'm getting out of the house so that my mother can appreciate me when I'm at home.
I may be a retired teacher, but I still like to teach, and my mother may be eighty-five, but she can still learn. I hope that in 2014 she will learn to be grateful that she has a daughter still healthy, sane, and kind enough to take care of her (most of the time).
Despite the fact that she is a talkative, high-maintenance drama queen, and I am an impatient (so is she), cranky, old hag who enjoys solitude, my mother and I have, for the most part, coexisted peacefully. We find each other funny, and everyone who encounters us, including salespeople in stores, doctors/nurses, the Molly Maids, handymen, and plumbers think we are hilarious. Some people have even suggested we should have a reality television show. However, as my now eighty-five-year-old mother has become increasingly more dependent on me, I noticed some changes in her attitude. About two years ago, she started complaining when I talked on the telephone. Although I actually talk on the phone less now than I did in the past because I can e-mail or post on facebook, she complains when she hears me on the telephone. I'm either talking too loud, too fast, or just too much. I was also disturbed by her seeming determination to prevent any of our close relatives from moving to California. One of my nieces is planning to move to San Diego because her husband, a soldier, is stationed there. The niece has a great job in Atlanta, but she and her two children obviously want to be with her husband. My mother argues that she should stay in Atlanta and not give up her good job. And when I suggested that my nephew, who is a musician currently living in Chicago, should move to this area because it's safer, she said, "They shoot more young black men in L.A. than in Chicago."
I want my niece, nephew or some other close relative living nearer for support during those medical emergencies that plague all old people not named Betty White. But my mother doesn't need anyone because she has me. When she mentioned that if my niece moved to San Diego, she would want us to babysit her children (San Diego is more than two hours away, and my niece is no fool; she wouldn't leave her beloved children with us), I realized that my mother didn't want any competition for my attention. Before I retired, she was never bothered by my telephone conversations, but since retirement, I have been a 24-7 unpaid caretaker/chauffeur, and my mother likes it like that.
There is one problem, however; I am almost three years older than my mother was when she moved in with me. So I'm now ready to be the old woman being taken care of instead of the younger caretaker. Because I didn't learn to drive until I was thirty-three, chauffeuring is the biggest problem for me, so I've suggested that she find a friend or neighbor to take her to the mall when she wants to go, and I am no longer willing to drive her to church for the one-hour service and then come back to pick her up. I'll take her, and she can ask one of her church members to bring her home. Enlisting a friendly neighbor or church member to assist with the chauffeuring will not only relieve me of my now too numerous for an aging baby boomer caretaking duties, but would also allow my mother, who has not been in the car with anyone except me since 2008, to interact with someone other than her daughter.
Of course, my mother's reaction was to accuse me of being mean, a terrible child. Since I took her to church and picked her up for nine years without complaining, she doesn't see why I can't continue to do it. When I remind her that I'm four years older than she was when her husband died, so she never had to take care of an old person (my stepfather was seventeen years older than his second wife) at my age, she doesn't seem to get it. Since I'm still twenty-one years younger than she is, she thinks I'm young, a girl.
But don't worry. I have a plan. It's called "Operation Broken Microwave." My mother is not unusual in taking the kindness and good deeds of a relative or friend for granted. We all do it. We all tend to treat people the way we do our appliances and equipment. Just as when we first get a new microwave, car, or computer, we are delighted with it and might talk about how much time and trouble it saves us but soon become used to it, so we are grateful the first few times a friend or family member drives us somewhere or lets us borrow the car but soon take those good deeds for granted and come to expect them. And just as we don't appreciate our microwave, car, or computer again until it breaks, so we don't appreciate the good deeds of our family members or friends until they are not available to us.
Therefore, in 2014 I resolve to be less available to my mother. Because I am a homebody whose favorite activities are writing and reading, I'm usually at home 22 hours out of 24. I'm always there to take care of her. In 2014 I'm planning to take day trips, go to the mall, and sit and people watch, go to libraries. I'm getting out of the house so that my mother can appreciate me when I'm at home.
I may be a retired teacher, but I still like to teach, and my mother may be eighty-five, but she can still learn. I hope that in 2014 she will learn to be grateful that she has a daughter still healthy, sane, and kind enough to take care of her (most of the time).
Reading Barbara Rogan: Why The Teacher Loved One Novel and The Reader Loved The Other One
I discovered novelist Barbara Rogan on goodreads. She's the humorous writer mentioned in an earlier post, the one who thought that "elderly" referred to anyone ten years older than she was. A former editor and agent, Barbara occasionally blogs about writing and publishing. Because I enjoyed her blogs and liked her witty, common sense personality, I thought I'd read one of her books. There was one problem, however. I thought Barbara was a mystery writer, and I'm not a big fan of mysteries. But since I'm retired and have more time to read, I was willing to try one of her mysteries. I hoped she would help me find one that would interest me.
When I introduced myself as an "elderly" (leading to our discussion of the definition of that word), retired English professor, who wasn't a mystery fan but loved novels by Ellison, Fitzgerald, Morrison, and Twain, Barbara assured me that all of her novels were not mysteries. After modestly declaring that she had little in common with the great writers whose novels I had listed as my favorites, Barbara recommended that I read two of her early novels, CAFE NEVO and ROWING IN EDEN. But she thought I might also like her latest book, A DANGEROUS FICTION. Although that novel (unlike the other two) is a mystery, she thought I might find it interesting because it is set in the world of writers, agents, and publishers.
When I couldn't find CAFE NEVO, I purchased A DANGEROUS FICTION, but I read ROWING IN EDEN first because I assumed I would prefer it. As I read Barbara's early novel, I could see why she thought a woman whose favorite novel is Morrison's SONG OF SOLOMON would enjoy her book. The two novels have a great deal in common. Both present several equally important major characters and use multiple perspectives. And both begin with a death and with questions about why and how the death occurred. But the most interesting similarity is the way both novels make readers think about how they judge people and how they perceive reality. In SONG OF SOLOMON, Morrison gives different versions of events told by different characters, so readers have to figure out which character is telling the truth and how we determine what's true and real when people remember events differently. Barbara's novel raises different questions for the reader. In fact, her novel might more closely resemble another Morrison novel, PARADISE, in the way it challenges the reader's views. PARADISE begins with the sentence: "They shoot the white girl first." But since Morrison never identifies "the girls" by race, readers have to figure out which girl is white. Is it Mavis, who not only has that name but drives a Cadillac? As we try to determine which girl is white, we also have to figure out what clues we use to determine the girls' race. Do we examine what they drive, how they talk, what they eat (Mavis eats Spam; I argue black folks don't, but one of my black students disagreed)? In other words, Morrison makes us stereotype and makes us recognize that's what we're doing.
What Barbara does to her readers is equally clever (and mean). She helps us to judge her characters unfairly and then makes us recognize that we've behaved exactly the way some of the less sympathetic characters in the novel behaved. We've thought the worst of these characters because we didn't know them. Two of the main characters in the book have killed close relatives, and before we discover exactly what happened, we guess (if other readers are like me) motives that are more unsavory than the actual motives.
Even though I have been retired for almost five years, I kept thinking about how much fun it would be to teach ROWING IN EDEN as I was reading it. I would quickly cover the Emily Dickinson allusion and the obvious symbolic father-son relationship of the two major male characters and move to how Rogan, like Morrison, manipulates her readers. Because I enjoyed that novel so much, I was ready to read A DANGEROUS FICTION (I didn't need a Rogan break), but I didn't expect to enjoy it as much. However, by the third chapter, I knew that I liked the second novel even more than I did the first one. I wasn't interested in teaching it. I just loved reading it. Barbara was right in suggesting that I, a newly published writer, would be fascinated by the world she created. But I was also more interested in the characters portrayed in the mystery. In one of her blogs, Barbara discussed whether readers needed to like characters in order to enjoy a book. The answer for me is no; I didn't like most of the characters in SONG OF SOLOMON (Pilate was my favorite) and didn't really like any of Fitzgerald's characters in GREAT GATSBY. But I do like to be interested in the characters, and I was much more interested in the agents and writers in A DANGEROUS FICTION than I was in the carpenter and his young male apprentice in ROWING IN EDEN. Maybe because I was more interested in the characters and their world than in the plot, I didn't guess the killer, so I was surprised by the ending.
I could probably teach A DANGEROUS FICTION; after all, I reluctantly directed an M.A. thesis on romance novels and had no trouble finding parallels between the books. In fact, since I still can't completely turn off my analytical teacher app, I kept noticing parallels between Barbara's two novels--in each, a main female character has a tall, black female friend, there is a large dog whose name begins with M, a widowed main character is having trouble continuing life without his or her much beloved deceased spouse, and at least one main character was raised by someone other than his or her parents and was physically abused by a guardian. But I was having too much fun reading A DANGEROUS FICTION to consider what I would say about how Barbara's book did or did not fit the mystery genre or about her commentary on the relationship between fiction and the real world.
Rarely do we find novels like HUCKLEBERRY FINN and SONG OF SOLOMON that are as much fun to read as they are to teach. Most books are either more fun to teach, like Ralph Ellison's INVISIBLE MAN or Morrison's PARADISE, or more fun to read, like Eudora Welty's LOSING BATTLES. Readers interested in finding a good novel to teach should consider Barbara Rogan's ROWING IN EDEN. Those who just want to enjoy reading a good mystery should try her newest novel, A DANGEROUS FICTION.
When I introduced myself as an "elderly" (leading to our discussion of the definition of that word), retired English professor, who wasn't a mystery fan but loved novels by Ellison, Fitzgerald, Morrison, and Twain, Barbara assured me that all of her novels were not mysteries. After modestly declaring that she had little in common with the great writers whose novels I had listed as my favorites, Barbara recommended that I read two of her early novels, CAFE NEVO and ROWING IN EDEN. But she thought I might also like her latest book, A DANGEROUS FICTION. Although that novel (unlike the other two) is a mystery, she thought I might find it interesting because it is set in the world of writers, agents, and publishers.
When I couldn't find CAFE NEVO, I purchased A DANGEROUS FICTION, but I read ROWING IN EDEN first because I assumed I would prefer it. As I read Barbara's early novel, I could see why she thought a woman whose favorite novel is Morrison's SONG OF SOLOMON would enjoy her book. The two novels have a great deal in common. Both present several equally important major characters and use multiple perspectives. And both begin with a death and with questions about why and how the death occurred. But the most interesting similarity is the way both novels make readers think about how they judge people and how they perceive reality. In SONG OF SOLOMON, Morrison gives different versions of events told by different characters, so readers have to figure out which character is telling the truth and how we determine what's true and real when people remember events differently. Barbara's novel raises different questions for the reader. In fact, her novel might more closely resemble another Morrison novel, PARADISE, in the way it challenges the reader's views. PARADISE begins with the sentence: "They shoot the white girl first." But since Morrison never identifies "the girls" by race, readers have to figure out which girl is white. Is it Mavis, who not only has that name but drives a Cadillac? As we try to determine which girl is white, we also have to figure out what clues we use to determine the girls' race. Do we examine what they drive, how they talk, what they eat (Mavis eats Spam; I argue black folks don't, but one of my black students disagreed)? In other words, Morrison makes us stereotype and makes us recognize that's what we're doing.
What Barbara does to her readers is equally clever (and mean). She helps us to judge her characters unfairly and then makes us recognize that we've behaved exactly the way some of the less sympathetic characters in the novel behaved. We've thought the worst of these characters because we didn't know them. Two of the main characters in the book have killed close relatives, and before we discover exactly what happened, we guess (if other readers are like me) motives that are more unsavory than the actual motives.
Even though I have been retired for almost five years, I kept thinking about how much fun it would be to teach ROWING IN EDEN as I was reading it. I would quickly cover the Emily Dickinson allusion and the obvious symbolic father-son relationship of the two major male characters and move to how Rogan, like Morrison, manipulates her readers. Because I enjoyed that novel so much, I was ready to read A DANGEROUS FICTION (I didn't need a Rogan break), but I didn't expect to enjoy it as much. However, by the third chapter, I knew that I liked the second novel even more than I did the first one. I wasn't interested in teaching it. I just loved reading it. Barbara was right in suggesting that I, a newly published writer, would be fascinated by the world she created. But I was also more interested in the characters portrayed in the mystery. In one of her blogs, Barbara discussed whether readers needed to like characters in order to enjoy a book. The answer for me is no; I didn't like most of the characters in SONG OF SOLOMON (Pilate was my favorite) and didn't really like any of Fitzgerald's characters in GREAT GATSBY. But I do like to be interested in the characters, and I was much more interested in the agents and writers in A DANGEROUS FICTION than I was in the carpenter and his young male apprentice in ROWING IN EDEN. Maybe because I was more interested in the characters and their world than in the plot, I didn't guess the killer, so I was surprised by the ending.
I could probably teach A DANGEROUS FICTION; after all, I reluctantly directed an M.A. thesis on romance novels and had no trouble finding parallels between the books. In fact, since I still can't completely turn off my analytical teacher app, I kept noticing parallels between Barbara's two novels--in each, a main female character has a tall, black female friend, there is a large dog whose name begins with M, a widowed main character is having trouble continuing life without his or her much beloved deceased spouse, and at least one main character was raised by someone other than his or her parents and was physically abused by a guardian. But I was having too much fun reading A DANGEROUS FICTION to consider what I would say about how Barbara's book did or did not fit the mystery genre or about her commentary on the relationship between fiction and the real world.
Rarely do we find novels like HUCKLEBERRY FINN and SONG OF SOLOMON that are as much fun to read as they are to teach. Most books are either more fun to teach, like Ralph Ellison's INVISIBLE MAN or Morrison's PARADISE, or more fun to read, like Eudora Welty's LOSING BATTLES. Readers interested in finding a good novel to teach should consider Barbara Rogan's ROWING IN EDEN. Those who just want to enjoy reading a good mystery should try her newest novel, A DANGEROUS FICTION.
Lyric Perfume: Why Teachers Need a Brand
Last week I was once again reminded of one of the major problems with American culture--we don't value education and educators. First, one of my Sisney first cousins posted on Facebook a picture of a dapper-looking Fifty Cent; the quotation under the picture read, "I didn't attend Harvard or Yale, but the people who work for me did." Although I've never met this cousin (I left Kentucky when he was a baby), I've commented on quite a few of his posts, and he usually appreciates my comments. So I posted the following comment: "I prefer black celebrities who promote and celebrate education. We need fewer rappers, athletes, and actors and more teachers, lawyers, and doctors." There were no "likes" for that comment, but there were a couple of ungrammatical comments that supported the rapper's dismissal of the well-educated. When I read those barely literate comments, I was tempted to point out that the educated people working for 50 Cent were probably stealing from him because he was too ignorant to understand accounting. I also wanted to have some fun with the name, to suggest that if 50 Cent had more sense (get it?), he might be called 50 Cents or maybe even Dollar. But I decided to hold my fire since I don't really know First Cousin and his friends. Fortunately, I was able to use those lines a few days later in an increasingly rare debate (the conservatives on Google+ have now all either blocked me, or they have decided to ignore me) with a not well-educated, cyber-bullying conservative.
When this conservative learned that I was a professor, he first suggested that teaching wasn't a real job and then described my behavior on campus as sitting in the faculty lounge (my first clue that he hadn't attended college since he didn't know that professors don't have lounges), drinking lattes, with my pinky finger sticking out. After informing him about the differences between high school and college, I said that I had never tasted a latte, and if he caught me sticking out my pinky finger while drinking anything, I would be parodying a snobbish rich woman. I also let him know that I believed that his attitude toward education and educators was too common in America and the cause of many of our problems. Since we were debating politics, I pointed out that politicians of both parties take advantage of ignorant voters. Well-educated voters, I said, are not as easily manipulated.
While many people do appreciate teachers, and a surprising number of public figures (Oprah, for example) have said that they would like to be teachers, we teachers need to promote ourselves more effectively so that we can gain more respect and maybe more money. In fact, probably one reason we aren't respected more is because we don't make enough money. Certainly, we don't have enough fame. While successful teachers, like entertainers and politicians, are usually exhibitionists, and some of us are eccentric, even crazy, we are not narcissistic enough. That's probably why former professor Elizabeth Warren was too sensible to run for President. She knows she's not qualified to be President because she's focused primarily on one issue, and the President needs to be able to handle many domestic and foreign crises. But not being qualified didn't stop Donald Trump from running and so far he's succeeding.
Teachers need to use Trump and other reality stars as role models to gain more fame, money, and ultimately respect. First, we need a brand. If we have an interesting last name, like a name that's very similar to Disney, we need to put it in big bold, preferably gold, letters on everything--our office door, our syllabi, our desks, chairs, bookcases, computers, our cars. I used to think it was funny that I could remember my students' names, but they had trouble remembering mine. In my larger classes, I had almost forty students, and within a few days, I knew all of their names. Why wouldn't they know my name? Why wouldn't they be able to pronounce and spell it in their sleep? If I were teaching now, my theme song would be, "Say my name! Say my name!" And, of course, a teacher should have a theme song. I might also mimic the rappers and make my name more interesting-- a black female professor named Doctor Sisney isn't interesting, but Sister Sisney might be, or maybe I would be Sizzling Sisney.
Once my students knew my name and my brand, I would start selling products, using my name, not just textbooks and maybe pens, but also perfumes, tee shirts, and dolls. My first perfume would be Sizzling Sisney, but if that one sold, I could start naming my perfumes after my subject--English. If there weren't already perfumes named Lyric and Sonnet, there would be when I launched my brand. My tee shirts would probably feature my favorite writers--Morrison, Faulkner, Fitzgerald, Erdrich, Tan-- but I would sign my name on the bottom--Sizzling Sisney. And why shouldn't there be a teacher doll in my image? She can stand in front of a tiny board or can hold a tiny copy of SONG OF SOLOMON.
Although Doctor Sisney did not use the computer in her classrooms because she told her students that she's from the 20th Century, the 21st Century Sizzling Sisney would use Twitter, Facebook, and Youtube to promote her brand. Instead of performing solo, I would ask a few students to help me with my Youtube videos; we'd debate, joke, signify, and laugh so much that our videos would go viral, and of course I would get my own reality show. Then I would be a star and could sell apps. I'm not sure what those are because I'm technologically illiterate, but if the narcissistic, goofy Kardashians can sell them, why shouldn't an English teacher have apps? I will also be paid big bucks to speak on college campuses, not about Morrison, Faulkner, or Fitzgerald, but about my reality show, my perfumes, my videos, and my apps, whatever they are. I'll really know I'm respected when I'm invited to drop the ball in Times Square on New Year's Eve or when someone asks me to run for President.
Of course, I wouldn't run for President because I'm too well-educated, sane, and sensible to believe I'm qualified to be President. I'm also too sensible to behave like a reality star. But I do appreciate that at least one English professor, a fellow Ford Fellow one year my junior, Henry Louis Gates, has made it to television. Unfortunately, he's on PBS, discussing more famous celebrities' roots. Maybe if Gates can move to A&E, Bravo, or E and actually teach literature in a reality show ( actor Tony Danza tried to teach on television in 2012, but he's not a real teacher), he can help us gain some respect.
Teachers shouldn't have to sell perfume, put their names in gold letters, and launch reality shows to gain respect in America, but until we stop worshipping fame and money, educators will be seen as useless lounge-sitters, who teach because they can't find "real" jobs, making "real money," and too many of us will remain blissfully ignorant.
When this conservative learned that I was a professor, he first suggested that teaching wasn't a real job and then described my behavior on campus as sitting in the faculty lounge (my first clue that he hadn't attended college since he didn't know that professors don't have lounges), drinking lattes, with my pinky finger sticking out. After informing him about the differences between high school and college, I said that I had never tasted a latte, and if he caught me sticking out my pinky finger while drinking anything, I would be parodying a snobbish rich woman. I also let him know that I believed that his attitude toward education and educators was too common in America and the cause of many of our problems. Since we were debating politics, I pointed out that politicians of both parties take advantage of ignorant voters. Well-educated voters, I said, are not as easily manipulated.
While many people do appreciate teachers, and a surprising number of public figures (Oprah, for example) have said that they would like to be teachers, we teachers need to promote ourselves more effectively so that we can gain more respect and maybe more money. In fact, probably one reason we aren't respected more is because we don't make enough money. Certainly, we don't have enough fame. While successful teachers, like entertainers and politicians, are usually exhibitionists, and some of us are eccentric, even crazy, we are not narcissistic enough. That's probably why former professor Elizabeth Warren was too sensible to run for President. She knows she's not qualified to be President because she's focused primarily on one issue, and the President needs to be able to handle many domestic and foreign crises. But not being qualified didn't stop Donald Trump from running and so far he's succeeding.
Teachers need to use Trump and other reality stars as role models to gain more fame, money, and ultimately respect. First, we need a brand. If we have an interesting last name, like a name that's very similar to Disney, we need to put it in big bold, preferably gold, letters on everything--our office door, our syllabi, our desks, chairs, bookcases, computers, our cars. I used to think it was funny that I could remember my students' names, but they had trouble remembering mine. In my larger classes, I had almost forty students, and within a few days, I knew all of their names. Why wouldn't they know my name? Why wouldn't they be able to pronounce and spell it in their sleep? If I were teaching now, my theme song would be, "Say my name! Say my name!" And, of course, a teacher should have a theme song. I might also mimic the rappers and make my name more interesting-- a black female professor named Doctor Sisney isn't interesting, but Sister Sisney might be, or maybe I would be Sizzling Sisney.
Once my students knew my name and my brand, I would start selling products, using my name, not just textbooks and maybe pens, but also perfumes, tee shirts, and dolls. My first perfume would be Sizzling Sisney, but if that one sold, I could start naming my perfumes after my subject--English. If there weren't already perfumes named Lyric and Sonnet, there would be when I launched my brand. My tee shirts would probably feature my favorite writers--Morrison, Faulkner, Fitzgerald, Erdrich, Tan-- but I would sign my name on the bottom--Sizzling Sisney. And why shouldn't there be a teacher doll in my image? She can stand in front of a tiny board or can hold a tiny copy of SONG OF SOLOMON.
Although Doctor Sisney did not use the computer in her classrooms because she told her students that she's from the 20th Century, the 21st Century Sizzling Sisney would use Twitter, Facebook, and Youtube to promote her brand. Instead of performing solo, I would ask a few students to help me with my Youtube videos; we'd debate, joke, signify, and laugh so much that our videos would go viral, and of course I would get my own reality show. Then I would be a star and could sell apps. I'm not sure what those are because I'm technologically illiterate, but if the narcissistic, goofy Kardashians can sell them, why shouldn't an English teacher have apps? I will also be paid big bucks to speak on college campuses, not about Morrison, Faulkner, or Fitzgerald, but about my reality show, my perfumes, my videos, and my apps, whatever they are. I'll really know I'm respected when I'm invited to drop the ball in Times Square on New Year's Eve or when someone asks me to run for President.
Of course, I wouldn't run for President because I'm too well-educated, sane, and sensible to believe I'm qualified to be President. I'm also too sensible to behave like a reality star. But I do appreciate that at least one English professor, a fellow Ford Fellow one year my junior, Henry Louis Gates, has made it to television. Unfortunately, he's on PBS, discussing more famous celebrities' roots. Maybe if Gates can move to A&E, Bravo, or E and actually teach literature in a reality show ( actor Tony Danza tried to teach on television in 2012, but he's not a real teacher), he can help us gain some respect.
Teachers shouldn't have to sell perfume, put their names in gold letters, and launch reality shows to gain respect in America, but until we stop worshipping fame and money, educators will be seen as useless lounge-sitters, who teach because they can't find "real" jobs, making "real money," and too many of us will remain blissfully ignorant.
