Jon Acuff's Blog, page 170

Desiring Chick-fil-A more on Sunday than any other day of the week.

I don't know how they do it. Despite writing branding for Chick-fil-A for 3 years and working closely with President Dan Cathy, I never learned one really important secret about that company.

How do they make you want Chick-fil-A on Sunday when they're closed more than any other day of the week?

I've written about Chick-fil-A before and their West Coast Rival, In-n-Out, before. (They're like Tupac and the Notorious B.I.G. of Christian food.) We've talked about them a few times, but never have we gotten to the bottom of this unexplainable phenomenon.

Today, I want to walk us through the five steps you go through on a Sunday when you think about Chick-fil-A.

Step 1: Excitement

You wake up and in your stomach does a little, "Chicken Biscuit" dance. I know McDonald's is trying to pretend they're all southern serving sweet tea and biscuits, but they're just carpet bagging. We want Chick-fil-A!

Step 2: The Drive

You actually get in the car and head to Chick-fil-A. Today is the day! It's going to be great. Maybe you missed breakfast but now you can get lunch. It's all coming up Milhouse!

Step 3: The Thrill

Look how empty the parking lot is! Hooray, this is going to be the best trip to Chick-fil-A ever. Nobody is here, you've got the whole restaurant to yourself. That guy who refills your drink is going to be like a personal butler today. Awesome.

Step 4: The Disappointment

Wait, what? Why is the door locked? Why are the lights off? Oh no, it's Sunday or "the Sabbath" if you will. The horrow, the horror. Popular comedian Aziz Ansari, from the drastically improved "Parks & Recreation" and "Flight of the Conchords," recently said on the radio, "I'm always excited to get a Chick-fil-A on Sunday and then it's like 'nooooo they're closed!' It's always heartbreaking."

Step 5: The Idea

Could you buy some Chikc-fil-A on a Saturday and then eat it on a Sunday? Would that work or would that be like when the Israelites tried to gather up double portions of manna? Didn't that work for them on Sunday? Are you really comparing Chick-fil-A to manna? Yes, yes you are and that feels about right.

Step 6: The Substitute

You're still hungry. Even though you respect Chick-fil-A for being all Hobby Lobbied and closing on Sunday, you're still hungry and you want to get a spicy chicken sandwich. So you begrudgingly go to Wendy's and look at that sweaty heathen with her Pippy Longstocking braids. You may have lost today but tomorrow is Monday and you can fil-a all day long if you so desire.

Am I the only one that this happens to?

Have you ever wanted to eat Chick-fil-A on a Sunday?

[image error]

Letting go of the barns.

"Jon Acuff? He's just that guy who ripped off the site Stuff White People Like."

It's never fun to hear someone summarize your life in a negative way. It's especially painful when it's a well-known leader you look up to.

But there it was. I had intended to write about something different today until a friend passed on a sentiment that is still floating out there. And let's be honest, it's true. I've been crystal clear that this site was not my original idea. I've long touted the skill and creativity of Christian Lander, the founder of the satirical Stuff White People Like. But I think by this point you and I have turned this site into something more than just a rip off.

My first reaction upon hearing that sentence was arrogance. "Keep saying that. Bring it on. Stuff Christians Like will just keep building kindergartens in Vietnam and reaching millions of people, literally millions of people with the love of Christ while you sleep on the idea that it's just a rip off."

But as my Grandfather used to say, "Anytime you have a thought that references both Christ and the cheerleading movie, 'Bring it On,' you're in a bad place."

And I was.

Once the arrogance dissipated, I felt insecure. I'm really not the most confident person. I can talk a pretty good game but at the end of the day I'm a pretty worrisome guy prone to doubt and the occasional anxiety attack.

How about you? What do you do when you're confronted by people who don't think that much of you?

You're not a good enough mom.

You're a middle level employee and will always be a middle level employee.

You'll never be married, that window has closed.

Not every one can be special and you're certainly not.

You're pretty on the inside but not on the outside.

Barbs can come in a million shapes and sizes but the one thing they have in common is that they hurt. And when we feel the sting, we react in different ways, but I know exactly what I usually do.

I run to the barn.

And oddly enough, that is what God predicted I would do in Isaiah 30: 15-17:

"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. You said, 'No, we will flee on horses.' Therefore you will flee! You said, 'We will ride off on swift horses.' Therefore your pursuers will be swift! A thousand will flee at the threat of one; at the threat of five you will all flee away, till you are left like a flagstaff on a mountaintop, like a banner on a hill."

When I'm pushed into a corner, when someone has doubts about me or hates on me, I tend to run right to my barn and jump on a horse.

I ride the horse named "affirmation and approval."

I ride the horse named "achievement."

In the past I rode the horse named "drugs."

And regardless of who you are, I guarantee you have a barn too.

Maybe it's not as full as mine is sometimes, maybe it has different horses, but we all have barns on the acreage of our hearts. For some people the barn is full of porn or shopping or money or manic self improvement. There's no limit to what you'll turn to when you're sad and angry and alone.

But I am tired of riding horses.

Stuff won't save me.

Other people won't save me.

Geography won't save me. I could move to Italy today and the same pursuers would find me there. Longitude and latitude never save us.

Nothing and no one can save us. That's how it feels, yet the passage doesn't end with verse 17. The message in Isaiah has something else to say, something I've written about before. Here is verse 18:

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"

I love those verses. We don't serve a Lord who likes us, we serve a Lord who LONGS for us. Showing us compassion isn't one of the things on God's long to do list, it's the reason he rises. He is a God of justice, blessed are all who wait for him.

It's time to burn some barns.

It's time to throw the lit match of grace into the dirty hay and false hope of the barns we've built for years.

It's time to watch God blow up and consume the things we thought would save us, but never really could.

Give up the horses.

The King is near.

Love has arrived.

[image error]

Elbowing someone during a sermon.

I can't speak for the entire country, but people in Dallas, Atlanta and Los Angeles apparently like to break up with significant others after church retreats.

I talk about that sometimes when I visit churches and conferences. And it's true, one of our favorite things to do as a Christian is to dump a boyfriend or girlfriend after a retreat. We do it because on Saturday night of the retreat, which is the cryfest portion or "sloppy agape," the minister tells us we need to lay something down tonight.

We google our heads and hearts looking for something to give up, until bing! We find it, we should give up our boyfriend or girlfriend. Especially if they didn't come on the retreat.

And I know this is something that happens across the country because when I speak about it from stage, I can see people in the crowd elbow each other.

Ahh the church elbow or "chelbow" if you will. Long held as a classic sanctuary move, it is a shame I've never discussed this. Used to perfectly punctuate a pertinent pastor's point, the elbow is designed to let people next to us know, "This sermon is for you, listen up you sweaty heathen."

But what do you do if you find yourself on the end of that elbow some Sunday? What if it's your ribs that get poked? What to do? What to do?

I have four ideas.

How to respond to a church elbow:

1. Hand them a beard of judgment

Not to be (disastrously) confused with a beard of bees, the beard of judgment is just what it sounds like. Mimicking the long, luxurious beards the Pharisees had, this beard is a thick matte of hair on a string. As soon as someone judges you, simply hand them one from your "bag o' beards," which Stuff Christians Like will soon be selling. Tell them, "You're too smooth faced to be a Pharisee, here's your beard."

2. Yell, "No, I won't make out with you."

It's like Ben Franklin, our favorite person to confuse with the Bible, used to say, "Nothing diffuses a situation faster than pretending someone is trying to make out with you." Yell this out and the threat of judgment will instantly be forgotten under a wave of awkwardness.

3. Pull out a plank from under your seat

Everyone knows the verse that says, "Don't elbow me about the splinter I have when you've got a plank in yo' eye." (That's the message version, not King James.) So illustrate that verse by pulling out an actual plank when someone elbows you. And then hit them. They'll forget all about that church elbow they tried to give you when they wake up later that afternoon.

4. Use an arm lock

These suggestions have gotten progressively violent, "but from the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it." Did I just use Matthew 11 to justify a Ultimate Fighting Championship style arm lock in which you force your pew neighbor to tap out during the middle of service? Yes, yes I did.

I hear what you're saying, I do. "We don't want to carry around sacks of fake beards. We don't want to hide planks in church. We don't want to dislocate someone's shoulder as an act of grace." Well then, you and I are very different my friend.

Be honest, have you ever given someone the church elbow?

Has anyone ever given you the church elbow?

[image error]

Reacting to church scandals.

My initial plan was to ostrich the latest church scandal in which a mega pastor has been accused of multiple, serious allegations. Similar to my Junior prom, my first thought was to just ignore it like it wasn't happening until it went away. But then at the last minute I'd invite my friend's sister for perhaps the most awkward prom ever and dance to Shai's "If I ever fall in love again, I will be sure that the lady is a friend." That's where the analogy/metaphor fell apart though.

The truth...

Getting abandoned by the worship leader.

Deep V-Neck Syndrome.

Black Belt Hand Clapping.

The Mini-Sermon between songs.

Since March 21, 2008, Stuff Christians Like has been a bastion of hard hitting news about worship music and worship leaders. And now, I fear the emergence of a new trend that is destined to sweep the nation if it's not already firmly lodged in your church. I fear I may be too late to warn you about …

Worship leaders who refuse to sing into the microphone.

I've noticed this phenomenon for a while but like Mr. Miyagi...

"Church is the best place to meet dates"

Recently, at an airport, I saw an article about a church on the cover of Details Magazine. Since I believe this was the first church-related article they've done since 1981, I was surprised. The headline was:

"The hottest pickup spot in Hollywood … is a church."

Turns out they did an expose on Reality LA, a growing church out in California. It's apparently, according to Details Magazine, a great place to meet singles. It made me interested though, how come we haven't talked much about church...

Born-Again Water Parks

(I've never met Jay Bakker, the son of Jim and Tammy Faye, but from all reports, he's a really solid guy. He's got a thriving ministry up north and apparently does some awesome work. I probably could have met him when I was a kid, but I was too obsessed with the water park his parents built. Part of the PTL complex, that water park was one of the most amazing places I've ever been. As a kid, that honestly was one of the greatest days of my life. I loved that thing. I hate that there was...

Prayer Insults

Now that I live in Nashville, my exposure to mandolins has increased by about 1,000%. Growing up in Massachusetts, I heard the mandolin (which is like a Pomeranian sized guitar) probably only one time. That instrument for me was like a musical Sasquatch. I knew it was attracted to campfires and wooden festival like scenery but I never actually saw it.

In Nashville? The gutters are lined with mandolins. In the morning before I go to work, I have to shovel the mandolins out of my driveway. In...

A near life experience.

Before I speak I enter a near catatonic zone of concentration and Norwegian music.

I say Norwegian music, because lately Royskopp's "Triumphant" has been my "Eye of the Tiger 2.0." It used to be "War" by 30 Seconds to Mars and is sometimes, "New Morning" by Alpha Rev.

Speaking is fairly new to me and listening to songs that sound like auditory push ups helps. Soon, I'm doing some brand new comedy at a Dave Ramsey Live event. I've got 7 minutes to absolutely guffaw 3,000-5,000 people. Just...

Having a Black Belt in Worship Crowd Control.

A few weeks ago I ran into the lead singer of Paramore, Hayley Williams, while I was grabbing a coffee.

When I tweeted that, people asked, "What did you say to her?"

What did I say? Nothing. Had I said hello, that moment would have instantly dissolved into the interviews Chris Farley used to do where he would ask painfully awkward, obvious questions on Saturday Night Live. (Example: He said something to Paul McCartney like, "Remember when you were in the Beatles? That was awesome!)

The other...