Keris Stainton's Blog, page 14

Feminism Friday: Words matter

I’ve been brewing this post for a while and getting stuck because it’s just too much to write about. I’m finding this more and more with these Feminism Friday posts – I want to write about something, but it leads to something else to something else to… can open, worms everywhere! And so I just leave it in drafts and post something easier. But I’ve decided I shouldn’t not post about something because I can’t do it justice, I’ll just post about where I’m up to with something and leave it there. So.

Earlier this week, Boris Johnson called David Cameron a “girly swot” for getting a First in his degree. There’s an excellent post about it on London Feminist (found via @genderdiary)

A month ago, Bradley Wiggins said he’d been cycling “like a girl.” Adding “Not to disrespect girls, I have one at home.” Oh well that’s ok then. I’m sure your daughter was flattered.

I’ve always had a problem with “don’t be such a girl” and “crying/screaming like a girl” for the reasons Caro wrote about so brilliantly on Bea, but language privileges men in ways I hadn’t even noticed.

In his brilliant TED Talk Violence & Silence, Jackson Katz, Ph.D talks about how the way we describe domestic violence switches the blame  from the perpetrator to the victim.

This brilliant Shakesville post about the coverage of the Oscar Pistorius case really made me think about how the press reduced Reeva Steenkamp to Pistorius’s “girlfriend” – i.e. defining her in relation to him. (I had, of course, already noticed how long it took some news outlets to mention Steenkamp by name – hence the ‘Her name was Reeva Steenkamp’ hashtag on Twitter – and how some people wrote about the case without using her name at all: ”His model girlfriend – a sign of status among jock sportsmen…”)

I also hadn’t noticed, before reading it on Shakesville, how so often women’s rights are discussed in relation to how they affect “our” wives, mothers, daughters. I’ve done it myself. A while ago when I heard a man respond to a young homeless girl’s “Excuse me, could you spare some change?” with ”Excuse me, could you suck my dick?” I wanted to ask him if he’d be ok with someone speaking to his mother or sister like that, when of course I should have asked what the fuck made him think it was ok to speak to anyone like that. (I didn’t say anything at all. He was with a mate and I was scared. But so so angry and sad.)

Melissa at Shakesville was writing about it in relation to President Obama, but of course he’s not the only person who does it. Melissa writes:

Defining women by their relationships to other people is reductive, misogynist, and alienating to women who do not define ourselves exclusively by our relationships to others. Further, by referring to “our” wives et al, the President appears to be talking to The Men of America about Their Women, rather than talking to men AND women.

Now that it’s been pointed out to me, I hear it all the time.

Adulting by Kelly Williams Brown

I got this book via Netgalley and while it’s not really aimed at me – I should know how to be an adult by now, right? – I did actually find some of it really useful. Plus it’s funny.

I really really wish I’d had it when I was in my late teens/early 20s. I was always looking for books that would help me know how to be a more together person, but those I found weren’t really practical. (Although since the only one I can remember reading was this one, I’m not surprised they weren’t all that useful to me.) If I’d read it then – and actually paid attention to it – I’m pretty sure it would have prevented quite a lot of mistakes.

In fact, it should probably be issued to all students in that tacky bag they give you on your first day at uni (in mine: one cigarette, disposable lighter, condom, packet of crisps, voucher for free bread and baked beans from Tesco).

At least now I’ve got a list of stuff I should keep in the boot of my car for emergencies. Now I just have to buy it all. And put it in the boot of my car…

Ooh! I’ve just discovered there’s a blog too.

Why I haven’t been writing (or have I?)

This is writing. It is. Shut up.

Since writing about my writing process, I haven’t written anything. Of the novel, I mean. I’ve written blog posts, I’ve written notes (for this novel and future novels), but I haven’t actually done any of the writing I was hoping to do.

And I know why. I’m currently out of contract and while that’s scary, it’s also been freeing. At the beginning of the year, I told myself to write whatever I wanted and immediately became more productive than I have been for ages. And, more importantly, I was enjoying writing more than I had done for ages. I was actually choosing to write, rather than sitting at my desk thinking “I’d better do some writing…”

Then – brilliantly – I heard from a couple of people who may be interested in the novel I’d been writing. Perfect! Not only was I enjoying writing, but there may actually be some reward at the end of it. I finished the first draft and told the people when they would be able to read it. I said “Oh the second draft shouldn’t take too long…” and that was it. I jinxed myself. I haven’t been able to work on it since.

I told myself it was fine, I was making notes and then I’d get on with the actual hard work. We had a week away planned and I knew the house we were staying in didn’t have a TV so obviously that would be a brilliant place to get on and do it. But when it came down to it, it still didn’t feel right. I didn’t want to do it. And I know it’s because I’m worrying about other people reading it. I’m second-guessing their comments. As I’m reading over my writing, I’m hearing their voices questioning me about the characters and the setting and the plot. And it makes me not want to write.

But in the meantime – while I haven’t been writing – things have popped into my head that are perfect for the book. They seem to come out of nowhere – it’s not like I’m having a good think about one of my characters and suddenly I get an insight, no, it’s more likely that I’ll be in the shower or watching TV or out for a walk or having a glass of wine and all of a sudden a little voice in my head says something like “Grayson’s scared of cheese!” and I go, “Oh! Of course he is!” (Grayson isn’t actually scared of cheese. Yet.)

Still writing…

I’ve also read some stuff that’s incredibly helpful for the book. Some things in books I’ve been reading for research, other things elsewhere (like a blog post a friend RT’d* that was exactly what I needed – thanks, Anne-Marie!).

One of the things I read was Deborah Moggach’s Rules for Writing in The Telegraph and this one resonated:

Don’t be daunted. Writing a novel is a huge adventure; when it’s going well it’s more fun than fun. When it stutters to a halt put it aside. Go for a swim, go for a walk, take a week off. Don’t panic or be afraid; you and your characters are in it together. Trust them to come to your rescue. Of course it’s a long haul, but you always knew that, didn’t you?

I did know that and I’m fine with it most of the time. But when I know someone is waiting to read it… Not that I think anyone’s constantly refreshing their inbox, desperate to hear from me. I think it’s more that I said “La la la, it won’t be long” and my natural praise whorishness wants to get it to them quicker than quick. So they’ll be impressed with me. Bleh. Also, I feel a little bit like I’m letting my characters down too – like they’re standing in the novel, looking out and going “Get on with it, woman!”** – and god knows I want them to like me.

Another thing I read while not writing was Prosperity Pie by Sark. She writes: “In India, there is a concept that the timing of a thing is more important than the thing itself. If you do something at a prescribed time, you will not be successful if the energy isn’t right. If you set off on a trip at the wrong time, or with the wrong energy, certain things may occur that wouldn’t have had you waited.”

And I think that may be exactly what it is for me. If I try to force my writing, I resist. If I relax and just let it come, I find the whole thing much easier.

And now I think I may be ready to start writing again. Possibly. I’ve just ordered myself a new laptop – “I can’t write in the house! I need a laptop!” is absolutely one of my procrastination stages, yes, but I figure if I buy one I can’t use it as an excuse anymore. Plus I got it on a Buy Now Pay Later thing, so I’m hoping I’ll be motivated enough to at least earn the money to pay for it. I’ll get back to you on that.

* So often I see the perfect thing at the perfect time on Twitter and I think “How lucky that I was on Twitter right now and saw that, I could easily have missed it.” But then I wonder about all the perfect things I’m missing when I’m not on there. You know, when I’m asleep.

** Is this mad? Do I even have to ask?

“Happy Ever After”!

I love this wedding card from my Mum’s Suitcase.

Feminism Friday: When stuff you like is sexist

You shouldn’t say that, Josh, you’ve got a great body.

As part of my resolution to call stuff out, I’ve been, you know, calling stuff out and one of the responses that bugs me is this one: “I’m a huge fan of [TV show, toy, company]. I see no problem with this.”

The first time I got a reply like this, I wanted to say well bully for you. Oh, if you don’t have a problem with it, person on the internet, then it must be fine. You’re right and I’m wrong. I’ll shut up now. But I didn’t say that – actually I kind of did, I messaged it to a friend, but I didn’t say it publicly. Publicly I said “I’m also a fan of [this thing] which is why I’m disappointed that they did [this sexist thing] and I want them to do better.”

Questioning or criticising something doesn’t mean you don’t/can’t love it. The West Wing is still one of my favourite TV shows of all time, even though there are quite a few moments in the show that make me wince from a feminist perspective (and one – in my all-time favourite episode, Celestial Navigation, that makes me shout “WTF, Josh?!” every time I watch it).

If you like something does that really mean you have to blindly like every single little thing about it. No matter what? How is that even possible? I mean, I love my husband and kids more than anything, but they do things that annoy me pretty much every day. If I went through life pretending they didn’t, saying “I love them! I have no problem with that! Everything’s fine!” people would worry about me. And rightly so.

Plus if you love something, why wouldn’t you want it to be the best it can be? Why wouldn’t you want the writer/company/whatever to look at what’s upsetting people and address it. Actually, that’s another point – just because you may love something so much that you’ll forgive anything, that doesn’t mean everyone has to. If other people have a problem with something, what use is you denying that? Isn’t it a bit *fingers in ears* “La la! I’m not listening!”

Anyway, I found this brilliant blog post – How to be a fan of problematic things – that explains it much better than me.

Why Joe wants to be Sian Lloyd

He’s mastered the pointing. Or he may be doing devil horns. Hard to know with Joe.

Watching the Sian Lloyd episode of Little Howard’s Big Question with Harry and Joe this morning, Joe said, “Mama, when I’m bigger can I be them?”

Me: “Who? Big Howard or Little Howard or Sian Lloyd?”

Joe: “The lady. With the weather. Like that.”

Me: “You want to be a lady or a dancer [there were dancers too, with umbrellas] or you want to be a weather forecaster?”

Harry: “Well you can’t be a lady…”

Me: “You can actually.”

Harry: “Oh yeah.”

Joe: “How do you do that?”

Me: “Be a lady or a weather forecaster?”

Joe: “A weather ‘caster.”

Me: “Well, you could learn about meteorology – study the weather – and then you could be a weather forecaster or work with weather in some other way. Maybe trying to predict things like hurricanes?”

Joe: “Yes, I want to do that. I want to be a doctor and then be a weather ‘caster then a firefighter and then a builder.”

Okay then.

Guest post: Sarah Painter

I am so excited to be hosting the first stop on Sarah Painter’s blog tour. I’ve been in online writing groups with Sarah for years and she’s absolutely lovely (we’ve yet to meet in real life, but we really must do that soon) and I can’t wait to read her debut novel, The Language of Spells, out TODAY. Over to Sarah…

Thank you for having me, Keris!

I can hardly believe that my book is being published today, that something that began as a whisper of an idea is a proper novel, available all over the world.

The story began with a character talking (for me, that’s how ideas usually present themselves) and I knew straight away that my heroine had the uncanny ability to find lost things, a family with a history of magic, and a desire to be normal.

At eighteen, Gwen Harper left home and vowed not to go back, but when she inherits End House from her mysterious great aunt Iris, she has no choice but to return and face the town that branded her a witch.

To be honest, I was a little worried while I was writing this story. I’d had comments on a previous novel saying that it would be difficult to sell because it ‘mixed genres’. I was concerned that I was going down the same road – mixing a contemporary love story with magical elements.

However, I took courage from the advice to ‘write what you like to read’ and there were lots of books that I loved that mixed these elements. Here are a small selection:

Chocolat by Joanne Harris

Single mother, Vianne Rocher, arrives in a devout French village with her daughter and opens a chocolate shop during Lent. Harris deftly weaves the supernatural with the commonplace, and her descriptions are mouth-watering.

The River King by Alice Hoffman

Set in a boarding school in Massachusetts, this story mixes a detective story with gothic horror and ghostly activity.

The Rivers of London by Ben Aaronovitch

The first in a series of police procedurals featuring PC Peter Grant. The books are set in a version of London in which magic exists and are fun and well-paced.

Wild Ride by Jennifer Cruise and Bob Mayer

An old-fashioned theme park that is infested by demons. There’s an ice cream-making sorceress, a crooked politician, and a love interest who isn’t what he seems… Light-hearted, action-filled and stuffed with the trademark Crusie humour.

–

The Language of Spells is available from Amazon UK, amazon.com, with Nook and Kobo editions following shortly.

Sarah will be at Strictly Writing tomorrow.

I want to be a lemon tree

From Teaching Kids to be Good People by Annie Fox:

Have you ever gotten up close and personal with a lemon tree and noticed how cool they are? I hadn’t until I moved to California. Now I’ve got my own dwarf Meyer lemon and let me tell you that tree is an underrated miracle of nature. Right now, it’s got teeny flower buds, heavenly smelling blossoms, baby green fruit, and ripe golden orbs, all at the same time! On a cosmic level, the lemon tree always manifests its entire life cycle, simultaneously living its past, present, and future! How cool is that?

One might assume straddling the time-space continuum causes internal conflict for the tree. Like maybe an undeveloped puny green guy eyes a juicy yellow beauty and gripes, “Damn! How come I’m not more mature?” Or some blossom whose petals flap in the wind, whines about how unfair it is that she’s no longer taut and firm like that sweet young bud over there. But no. The tree has evolved to a point where no phase of life is any better or worse than any other. In the realm of lemon trees, there are no complaints, only total acceptance. What is, is.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Mariella Mystery Investigates: The Ghostly Guinea Pig by Kate Pankhurst

Harry’s guinea pig obsession continues and so he was very keen for us to read this story. It’s  cute and funny with hilarious illustrations (and one scary one, according to Harry), plus H got so involved in the story that he actually went to the end and read the last few pages to make sure it would all be ok. He’s never done that before.

I asked Harry why he liked it and he said “because it had ghostly guinea pigs”. But it can’t just be that because he’s asked to read the next book in the series, A Cupcake Conundrum, too. (As well as more Olga Da Polga – he just can’t get enough of guineas.)

Thanks so much to Nina at Orion for sending us both books.

Happy Birthday (to me)

I’ve written over on Bea about turning 42 (42!) but I wanted to write about what we did to celebrate my birthday yesterday. The boys woke me with a cup of tea, a bacon butty and the sunshine. Joe started basking in it like a cat.

Once presents had been opened, breakfast had been eaten and everyone was organised, we headed off to Martin Mere. I’d read it was Downy Duckling Week and who can resist a downy duckling? We were so lucky – as soon as we walked into the hatchery, we saw a duckling peck his way right out of his shell. 

The other reason I wanted to go to Martin Mere was to do the canoe safari. I read about this ages ago and got very over-excited and, as it turned out, I was right to – it was utterly brilliant.

We went to the hides and I took one of my favourite photos of Joe

then the boys played in the playground and I had an ice cream. We were going to head straight home after – David had bought cake and planned to make us a birthday dinner – but the sun was shining and since that’s such a rare occurrence, I said we should make the most of it. So we drove to Southport.

My phone had run out of charge by then (and I still haven’t found my camera) so no photos, but we walked on the beach, the boys built sandcastles and we had fish and chips. 

Once we got home and washed all the sand off the boys, I got my cake (Joe blew the candles out, the bugger). The cake was four different types – a quarter of each. Genius, no? And then, once the boys were in bed, me and D opened the wine and watched The Intouchables, which was fab.

A perfect day.