Sam Barry's Blog, page 6

The Religion Education Congress

I just spent four days at the Religion Education Congress in Anaheim, California—also known as the L. A. Congress—an event sponsored annually by the Archdiocese of Los Angeles that boasts an attendance of 20,000 adult Catholics and several billion teenagers.

I know what you're thinking: religion, education, Congress. These are not words generally associated with fun. For some self-described "Recovering Catholics" they might even describe a nightmare involving hypocrisy, oppressive rules, and the sound of rulers smacking knuckles.

And yet fun is exactly what I experienced this past weekend at the Anaheim Convention Center, surrounded by tens of thousands of Catholics, many of them wearing actual nun's habits. And more than fun, I experienced warmth, community, even (dare I use this word?) love. It's enough to make a non-active Protestant boy into a Catholic.

I also got to laugh. This was because I spent some quality time with the funniest priest in America, Father James "Jim Martin" Martin. Father Martin is informally known as the chaplain of the Colbert Report and is the author of an engaging, beloved book about incorporating spirituality into daily life called The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything. (Full disclosure: I am a secret Jesuit priest. Also, I work for HarperOne, which published The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything, so I may be perceived as biased, because, in fact, I am. If you don't believe me that it's a great book, read the reviews. People love this book.)

To some, a priest who is as funny, honest, and down to earth as Father Martin may be disconcerting. They might prefer a priest with a mellifluous baritone, like Bing Crosby. Jim doesn't have the baritone, but there is no denying his gift for humor and teaching, or that he is a great priest.

Father Martin is only one of the many brilliant spirits who constitute the Religious Education Congress. This event, and others like it, offers us a glimpse of alternative realities, worlds within this world that transcend the sorrowful limits of our institutions. This is well worth recalling when apathy and despair creep into our lives.

Sometimes we human beings appear doomed to hate one another. Sometimes it seems that war is not only inevitable, but actually defines us. But when I experience the community of an event like Congress I have faith that hate and fear are not our defining characteristics. In fact, quite the opposite is true.

The New Food

There is a new food movement afoot out there. Tired of the same old cuisines and choices, people are experimenting as never before, inventing playful, nutritious ways to eat. There is even a song about it (sung to the tune of "Dancing in the Streets"):

Everyone around the world, are you ready for a big red beet?

Dinner's here and the time is right for trying some new meat!

According to Neatorama, a website I stumbled across at random, there are people called Invasivors who advocate "curbing the growth of invasive species by eating them. Invasivors prey upon species that are taking over the established habitats of other animals." Seems to me their number one target species should be human beings. The piece in Neatorama also mentions "freegans— people who dine on wasted food."

Cannibalism and dumpster diving aside, there are some interesting new food ideas in the world today. These advances in food science and preparation scare the devil out of me. I am a food coward. I never met a new food I couldn't run away from screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I have been ordering the same three dinners: hamburgers, spaghetti and meatballs, and chicken fried rice—for decades. When I hit on something I like, I stay with it. For instance, two years ago a fellow HarperOne employee, Dwight Been, introduced me to an exciting new lunch place up the street called Subway. Feeling adventuresome, I ordered a turkey sandwich. I have now ordered that same sandwich 347 consecutive times.

Meanwhile, when lunchtime rolls around my other work colleagues are always standing outside the building debating where to go for lunch.

"We could go to that Vegan Mongolian soup shop."

"No, not that again! Let's order something from the Brazilian Rainforest salad place."

"Oh come on, that's so boring. Let's go to Polar Provisions for penguin and lichen sandwiches."

As you can tell, my colleagues are more adventuresome than me, and San Francisco is a great place to be a foodie. For instance, there is a restaurant here called Coi. Just visit their website and you immediately know these people are on the cutting edge of victuals. Certainly they know more about food than you. At first I couldn't even figure out how to navigate the Coi website, which reminded me of one of those video games where your avatar wanders around aimlessly looking for a secret key to get to the next level, until eventually (if you're me) you give up and head to the refrigerator to eat slices of Swiss cheese and peanut butter scooped directly out of the jar.

I finally found the Coi menu and here are some of the items I discovered:

CLAM:

geoduck and manila, bull kelp, meyer lemon, wild fennel

PASTURE

beets roasted in hay, fresh cheese, wild sprouts and flowers

SPRING ALLIUM SOUP

wild onion flowers, smoke, almond

ASPARAGUS COOKED IN THEIR OWN JUICE

seaweed powder, lemon sabayon

CARROTS COOKED ON COFFEE BEAN

creme fraiche, green olive oil, cilantro

What's a "bull kelp"? Does that soup actually contain "smoke"? Was cooking the carrot on the coffee beans a mistake? "We could throw these carrots away—I mean, you spilled a bunch of coffee beans in there."

I shouldn't really be judging Coi, since I've never been there and would probably be frightened to even walk in the door. However, three people I know and trust, Laina Adler, Gideon Weil, and David Golia, told me the food at Coi is truly amazing. Still, I can't help imagining me mother's reaction if she were alive to witness food like that offered at Coi. My mother came from Dust Bowl Nebraska, and my guess is if she heard that a restaurant was charging serious money for people to eat beets roasted in hay, she'd be laughing all the way to the Italian place down the street that serves lasagna.

Now I'm hungry. Can you pass the chicken fried rice?

The Next Mayor of San Francisco

My campaign manager, international man of mystery Shahram Shirazi, recently reminded me that I am running for mayor of San Francisco. Shahram graduated from MIT and Stanford. If we know nothing else about Shahram, we know this: back in the day he was a damn good student.

This will be the hallmark of my administration: competent handlers. I will surround myself with people who are intelligent and know what's going on, so that even when I am unconscious San Francisco will run like a well-lubed machine. The people working for me—I mean, for the city—can concentrate on the details (San Francisco) while I focus on the big picture, preferably at the Balboa Movie Theatre.

The world is shifting and San Francisco must shift with it. We must keep up with the times. Here are some of the major initiatives I will undertake as mayor of San Francisco:

A thorough update of San Francisco's Wikipedia page: It's crucial that the city's Wikipedia page be accurate. However, since Wikipedia policy is that no one with a conflict interest should edit the page, I will ask a teenager who lives in Omaha, Nebraska and has never been west of the Rockies to handle this important task.


Snow preparation: this Winter, for the second time since 1976, it snowed in San Francisco. As flurries fell, the Federal government failed to act and it soon became clear the city was woefully unprepared. I will see to it that every home is equipped with a snow shovel and toboggan.


With the help of leading business leaders I will make sure we are poised to be a leader in today's leading fields: biotech, online technology, and pre-packaged rice and macaroni products.

As one of the great cities on the edge of the Pacific Rim, San Francisco is in a position to capitalize on the rise of China, and if necessary, to secede from the United States and join China. Oh, sure, we're a little smaller than Shanghai, but if you combine the populations of San Francisco, Daly City, Oakland, Berkeley, Emeryville, and Sausalito, we are almost 1/10th Shanghai's size.

Anyhow, size isn't everything. We have cable cars. We have the Golden Gate Bridge. We have Alcatraz. We have Hardly Strictly Bluegrass. We have flowers in our hair. We have Ben Fong-Torres.

Why, among the many able candidates, am I the right person to be the mayor of San Francisco? Because. If you have any further questions please see my campaign manager Shahram, who went to MIT and Stanford.

See you at the Balboa. I'll be the one sleeping down in front with flowers in my hair.

Social Media 101

So, you've decided it's time to do some social media networking, but you feel "behind the curve" and confused by all the sites and terminology. Don't worry! It's really very simple. If you just dedicate a little time each day to the major social networking sites, which include Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, YouTube, StumbleUpon, Fwix, Digg, Sphinn, Mixx, Reddit, Tip'd, WikiLeaks, Google, Yahoo, Starbucks, Portal's Tavern, Que Syrah, Safeway, and those guys who keep emailing you from Nigeria, you can be rich in a matter of weeks.

Which is not at all the point of social media. Social media communities are about fostering real relationships and real dialogue. It's not about me, by which I mean you; it's about community and the common good. In other words, it's nothing like the selfish, grasping "real" world. Facebook is a good example of this—it means nothing to the founders of that site that it is now worth more than 50 billion dollars. "Dollars, schmollars," is what the Facebook people say. They are all about community.

It's important that you understand the communitarian quality of social media, even if you are a person who is desperately trying to sell more copies of your wonderful book How to Play the Harmonica: and Other Life Lessons, and would like some of the people who read and loved it to post their positive five-star reviews on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com. Sure, you might want people to take notice of your really cool website and spread the world about the Author Enablers and their amazing, informative book Write That Book Already: the Tough Love You Need to Get Published Now, which could also use some more online five star reviews. That's all fine. The point is, don't ever let anyone know this is what you are trying to accomplish.

Social media are more appropriately used for advocating change and starting revolutions within oppressive regimes such as Walmart and FOX News. If you are using social media to drum up business, it is important that you act like you are doing anything but that. The days of companies with names like Standard Oil and International Business Machine and Microsoft are behind us; these are the days of powerhouses with cute names like Fwix.

Social media are changing the world. Soon we won't need money anymore. Fame won't matter. We will all be anonymous lovers of community, sharing everything across borders because there will be no more Borders, unless they manage to survive bankruptcy. Private property will cease to exist: I will be able to drive over to Mark Zuckerberg's house and eat his food and watch his television, then borrow his car and drive over Sergey Brin's place and plop down in his entertainment center and play some video games. Everyone will be able to do whatever they want: instead of going to work you can learn how to play the harmonica, and you (you know who you are) can finally stop talking about it and write that book already! In fact, that day is already here, just one click away.

Literary Death Match

Last Friday night I had the honor of judging a Literary Death Match at the Elbo Room in San Francisco. If you haven't been to a Literary Death Match, you're missing out on one of the more vibrant literary events happening today. The one I attended featured host Alia Volz, a natural-born comic, and special guest co-host Will Franken, professional comic. The readers were Monica Nolan, Geoff Bouvier, Jennifer Solow, and John Scott, and my fellow judges were Oscar Villalon, editor of ZYZZYVA, handling literary merit, and novelist April Sinclair, author of Coffee Will Make You Black, testifying about performance.

With that much talent in the room there really wasn't much I had to do besides sit back and laugh, which was a damn good thing, as it was my job to judge the "intangibles." I mean, talk about a pothead's dream job. "Yeah man, I'm in charge of judging the intangibles, man. Like, um . . . what was I saying?"

Not that I am a pothead. There was some beer involved, but no pot that I know of. It has been decades since I qualified to be called a pothead. I can't even remember when it was.

Which reminds of this thing I did the other night I wanted to tell you about—I had the honor of judging a Literary Death Match at the Elbo Room in San Francisco. If you haven't been to a Literary Death Match, you're missing out on one of the more vibrant literary events happening today.

One of the interesting aspects of the evening was getting there. Being a good social media sort of person, I had posted the event on my Twitter and Facebook. I had re-tweeted other people's references to the event. I had posted it in on my website. All the appropriate smoke signals had been sent.

The only thing I hadn't done was make a note of the location of the LMD for myself, like maybe on the back of my hand. You see, that is one of the disadvantages to technology. It is so easy to pass along someone else's writing—"here's a link to the website"—that I sometimes forget to pay proper attention to what's going on.

Which was why I found myself wandering around the Mission, asking people if they knew where I could find a Literary Death Match. A prostitute offered to help me for $50.

Eventually I worked it out and made my way to the Elbo Room. Just before the event began I asked fellow judge April Sinclair what "intangibles" meant, and she said "It's an abstract quality, an attribute you can't quite put your finger on." Which wasn't really what I was asking—I meant, "What the hell is my job tonight?"

I still don't know the answer to that question. We three judges did our best to make judicious decisions, but frankly, all four readers were very good. And anyhow, the winner was determined by having the finalists, Bouvier and Nolan, read passages from Leibniz and from Leibniz-parodying Voltaire as marshmallows were relentlessly stuffed into their mouths. This wasn't a competition for the faint of heart, or for people who want to hear readings addressing life's most serious side. When squirt and Nerf guns are used to enforce the rules, the lighter side is bound to emerge. But then, all four contenders knew how to turn a phrase, tell a story, and make us laugh.

If you haven't attended a Literary Death Match yet, I urge you to make your way to the next one you can. They are being held all over the world. If you're having trouble finding one, don't panic—just ask the nearest prostitute. And while you're at it, invite her along.

Super Bowl Wisdom

I'd like to take a moment out of my busy campaign schedule to share some of the wisdom I have gleaned over the last 229 years of my life with my two children, Daniel (22) and Laura (18).

Dan and Laura, as you begin your adult lives it is important that you understand that life is like a football game. There are rules, and if someone breaks them a man with a striped shirt will throw a yellow flag on the ground near where the incident happened, at which point there will be some ads and you can run off the field and drink Gatorade.

Understanding football can help you prepare for life in many ways:

Run away from the large men who are chasing after you
Don't worry about the rules; nobody fully understands the rules, especially "icing"
It's important to be a loyal to the team until the day they fire you

But there is a more profound lesson to be gleaned form football. "Winning isn't everything; it's the only thing," said Abraham Lincoln, as he surveyed the battleground at Gettysburg. And he was right. No one cares about losers. We quickly tire of losers. We want to win.

Don't get me wrong—people also like to see other people win, as long as those other people are on the team we bet on, and of course allowing for the point spread. And people do enjoy seeing someone else lose. They just don't want to hear from the losers afterwards.

Focus on joining the team that is likeliest to win. That is the point of life. For instance, the nations of China, Brazil, Google, and Amazon.com are all currently winning teams.

A couple of other points:

It's good to do good things and it's bad to bad things
Honesty is the best policy, except when lying will help you win
Remember the Alamo

Hmm. I just re-read what I've written so far and I'm not sure I am conveying the message I intended. Maybe it would be better if we made life like something other than a football game. For instance, life could be like doing a jig-saw puzzle, with all of us chipping in and spending hours and hours creating something together and then discovering at the very end that we are missing one piece. Or life could be like a country line dance, with everyone moving in unison to a solid beat. I'm the one on the end who's looking confused and is two steps behind. Or maybe life can be like a game of hide and go seek.

Or how about this? Life is like a Greek diner. Everything is always on the menu regardless of the season, there's always fresh coffee, and its open 24 hours a day. I'll have the hot open turkey sandwich.

I hope these words have helped.

Future San Francisco Mayor Sam Barry Announces Shirazi will be Campaign Manager; Golia to Be Treasurer

As mayor of San Francisco I intend to teach every man, woman, transgendered person, and child how to play the harmonica. But I won't stop there: I will teach the seals how to play. "A harmonica in every pocket and a box of Rice-A-Roni in every cupboard" will be the motto of my administration, except for the seals, who favor the banjo and chicken fried rice. Because I am a liberal (that's right—I said it out loud) my administration will be broad-based and diverse.

For instance, I am pleased to announce that Shahram Shirazi will be my campaign manager. Shahram represents an often misunderstand community in San Francisco: conservative business people. In spite of the fact that I am a pinko, knee-jerk liberal, I will listen to Shahram, who brings the added depth of representing a second minority group: he is from Atherton.

But my efforts to represent all sides of our community in my administration won't stop with conservative businessmen from Atherton. I will also reach out to the much maligned members of the bass-playing community and appoint David Golia as the city treasurer. Like all municipalities, San Francisco is facing budget woes. It's time we thought outside the box about our revenues, and I think David is the man to take on this task. Recently, David and I went on a weekend fact-finding trip to Las Vegas, where David learned that our own world-champion San Francisco Giants were 15 to 1 to win the 2011 World Series.

"I'm taking those odds!" said David, who says 6 to 1 would have been more reasonable, because we are the champions of the world!

But this disrespect on the part of the odds makers could be good news for our city. As Treasurer, David could invest our city revenues at 15 to 1. Come October, we'll be raking in the dough! We'll be rich! As a city, that is. And all because David has found the unique revenue stream of betting our tax dollars on sure things in Vegas.

This is the kind of creative, innovative, and possibly illegal thinking that will be the hallmark of my administration. And I won't be afraid to take on special interests, as well. For instance, I will track down the group that has been producing all this fog and curtail their activities. Enough is enough!

But although I am a liberal, I am not opposed to business and expansion. We need jobs, and we need room to grow. Therefore, I am announcing immediately, before I am even in office, that Sausalito and the Farallon Islands will become part of San Francisco. That's right: we are annexing these nearby properties. Sausalito is a very attractive town, and I can't see the logic of its not being a part of San Francisco—I think most will agree. Possession of the Farallons will aid in our defense against foreign powers such as Los Angeles.

Fellow San Franciscans, or residents of Frisco, as we prefer to be called, these are heady days. There is danger on our port bow, but the sun is shining aft. Together, united as one diverse voice for freedom, we can once again reestablish San Francisco is the most important city on the continent's West Coast north of Daly City and south of Eureka. And God bless the Farallons.

Future San Francisco Mayor Sam Barry Announces Shahram Shirazi will be Campaign Manager; David Golia to Be Treasurer

As mayor of San Francisco I intend to teach every man, woman, transgendered person, and child how to play the harmonica. But I won't stop there: I will teach the seals how to play. "A harmonica in every pocket and a box of Rice-A-Roni in every cupboard" will be the motto of my administration, except for the seals, who favor the banjo and chicken fried rice. Because I am a liberal (that's right—I said it out loud) my administration will be broad-based and diverse.

For instance, I am pleased to announce that Shahram Shirazi will be my campaign manager. Shahram represents an often misunderstand community in San Francisco: conservative business people. In spite of the fact that I am a pinko, knee-jerk liberal, I will listen to Shahram, who brings the added depth of representing a second minority group: he is from Atherton.

But my efforts to represent all sides of our community in my administration won't stop with conservative businessmen from Atherton. I will also reach out to the much maligned members of the bass-playing community and appoint David Golia as the city treasurer. Like all municipalities, San Francisco is facing budget woes. It's time we thought outside the box about our revenues, and I think David is the man to take on this task. Recently, David and I went on a weekend fact-finding trip to Las Vegas, where David learned that our own world-champion San Francisco Giants were 15 to 1 to win the 2011 World Series.

"I'm taking those odds!" said David, who says 6 to 1 would have been more reasonable, because we are the champions of the world!

But this disrespect on the part of the odds makers could be good news for our city. As Treasurer, David could invest our city revenues at 15 to 1. Come October, we'll be raking in the dough! We'll be rich! As a city, that is. And all because David has found the unique revenue stream of betting our tax dollars on sure things in Vegas.

This is the kind of creative, innovative, and possibly illegal thinking that will be the hallmark of my administration. And I won't be afraid to take on special interests, as well. For instance, I will track down the group that has been producing all this fog and curtail their activities. Enough is enough!

But although I am a liberal, I am not opposed to business and expansion. We need jobs, and we need room to grow. Therefore, I am announcing immediately, before I am even in office, that Sausalito and the Farallon Islands will become part of San Francisco. That's right: we are annexing these nearby properties. Sausalito is a very attractive town, and I can't see the logic of its not being a part of San Francisco—I think most will agree. Possession of the Farallons will aid in our defense against foreign powers such as Los Angeles.

Fellow San Franciscans, or residents of Frisco, as we prefer to be called, these are heady days. There is danger on our port bow, but the sun is shining aft. Together, united as one diverse voice for freedom, we can once again reestablish San Francisco is the most important city on the continent's West Coast north of Daly City and south of Eureka. And God bless the Farallons.

Why Sam Barry Should Be the Next Mayor of San Francisco

A lot of people (two, one from Miami and one from Texas) have wondered if I am serious about running for mayor of San Francisco. "You're kidding, right?" they ask me. I want to reassure you, my fellow citizens, that I am not kidding. I am the best possible candidate for mayor of San Francisco, and here's why.

First of all, I ride MUNI, the mass transit system of San Francisco. I don't think San Francisco has had a mayor who regularly rode MUNI since sometime before the Civil War. As a MUNI rider, I am in touch with the People. They regularly hit and shove me with their large backpacks, cough on me, and sometimes even sleep on me. Really. I have had men (it's always men—why can't it be a cute woman?) fall sound asleep on my shoulder during my commute.

Therefore, my first act as mayor will be to stop riding around in MUNI. I'm going for the limo every time. Now, this may sound hypocritical to you, but it is also a very wise political decision. Remember Jimmy Carter walking to his inaugural and trying to do the right thing by turning down the heat in the White House and wearing sweaters? Did he get credit for being wise, frugal, a man of the people? Heck no.

But there is an ever better reason to vote for me: I play the harmonica and blues piano. There should be more musicians in high places, if you ask me—Lord knows we have the low ones pretty much covered.

I also teach the harmonica and piano. I have been teaching harmonica for decades and even wrote a book about it called How to Play the Harmonica: and Other Life Lessons. My political philosophy is pretty much summed up in my book: the world needs more music, and everyone should learn how to play. I have taught many of San Francisco's most prominent citizens how to play the harmonica, including Judge Susan Breall of San Francisco's Superior Court, who has given me her highest endorsement.* I am also counting on getting the endorsement of the San Francisco Bay Guardian, based on the fact that founder/publisher/editor Bruce Brugmann is my friend and neighbor. I haven't actually asked him yet, but I think it's safe to say he will endorse me.*

When I am mayor, I promise to give harmonica lessons to the entire city on Civic Center Plaza. Just think how a little hootenanny could liven up the City Council meetings or press conferences. Instead of arguing with demonstrators, I could go out and lead them in song! The world, or at least my world, would be a better place.

So vote for me on Election Day, which is coming up sometime in the future—I believe we'll all get literature in the mail.

*As a harmonica player.

Who Are All These Morons?

Today marks the continuation of The Harmonica Chronicles, an intermittent, halting series in which I intend to explain why the harmonica—more than any other instrument in the civilized world or the United States—is the answer. But before I begin the groundwork must be laid, because you don't want to proceed before you lay your groundwork.

At our most recent monthly All-Star Jam with Los Train Wreck (go ahead, FaceBook people—click on the link and friend us! We need friends. We are musicians.) I announced that the great Ben Fong Torres and Lynn the Bartender are running for mayor of San Francisco (separately, that is). I admit that I made these announcements without checking with the principles, but hey, it's not the first time someone was nominated for high office without being asked. Look at George W. Bush. However, unlike Bush, neither Mr. Fong-Torres nor Ms. Bartender took up the baton and ran with it. Therefore, I hereby and henceforth announce that I, Samuel M. Barry, being of sound mind and body, am running for mayor of the great city of San Francisco. I am not as elegant, tall, or young as the departing mayor Gavin Newsome, but these shortcomings may be advantageous. For instance, I am less likely to have an affair with one of my aids, because she would probably say "no." Also, when it comes to harmonica I can play rings around Newsome.

I haven't settled on a campaign theme yet. I have two ideas:

• Positive: Together, we can get do it!

• Negative: Who are all these morons?

While I see the inherent value of going with the positive campaign, I think the negative better fits the tenor of the times. I had one other idea—"Quietly doing the right thing"—but this seems a surefire way to be ignored.

As mayor I intend to take San Francisco in a New Direction. Currently we are heading north, while the East Bay is heading south, as the two tectonic plates that met out here at a rave back in the day continue their grand (and rather dirty) dance. I think it is time we went forward to the past, to steal an idea from a great movie—and basically we see movies as reality here in California—and crown myself emperor.

There is a precedent for this: on September 17, 1859, Joshua Norton of San Francisco declared himself "Norton I, Emperor of the United States." As emperor, Norton I abolished both the Democratic and Republican parties—a policy which would undoubtedly be very popular today.

Emperor Norton also issued and spent his own currency, much as the United States still does, but for some reason Emperor Norton was viewed as deranged. I will also issue my own currency, as the old-fashioned way of working for it is tiresome and time consuming.

Emperor Norton is a beloved figure in San Francisco, of course—for instance, one of our many fine, independent bookstores, Bird and Beckett, recently honored his legacy—but he is remembered fondly around the world in Somerville, Massachusetts, the home of the Emperor Norton's Stationary Marching Band. These followers of Emperor Norton believe he revealed himself to be "no ordinary mortal man, but instead a manifestation of the absurd and unusual forces of the universe" on a "crusade to unsettle and disturb that which had become bland and banal." The members of ENSMB "dance at the edge of reason, sing the song of society's fringe and drum out whatever din you are called to march to. Emperor Norton is not dead; he is waiting to be awakened in each of us."

Whatever the members of ENSMB are smoking, I'm in. After all, several world religions have begun on less coherent and concrete grounds. I wonder if they need a harmonica player?

Whether you play an instrument or not, I invite you to join with me in a stationary celebration of the life of Emperor Norton. And don't forget to vote for Sam Barry for mayor of San Francisco if you live here in San Francisco, or even if you don't. I'm not sure when the election is being held, but I imagine someone will let me know.