Kate Hallock's Blog

For Jude

Hi, my name is Kate and I had the privilege of knowing Jude. God put some words on my heart that I’d be honored to share with you.

Jude’s favorite character was Sonic the Hedgehog. Because Sonic is awesome and Jude could recognize awesomeness. Who here is familiar with the Sonic the Hedgehog movies? I’m a big fan and I know Jude was too.

The Sonic movies are one of the truly rare franchises, like the Godfather,  Cars and arguably Top Gun, in which the sequel is superior to the original. Sonic 3 is, in the words of my daughter Lucy, a cinematic masterpiece.

Jude and the character of Sonic are parallels. They’re both super sporty, fast, always moving, funny and able to win you over with one quirky smile. In the third movie we are introduced to Super Sonic, which is when sonic has a surge of power and literally lights up, and goes from super speed to light speed. Jude was like super sonic because he brought light wherever he went. He brightened everyone’s day and left a trail of light behind him.

Now in the third movie we are introduced to Shadow the Hedgehog. In order to make my point I need to tell you a little bit of plot development but no major spoilers. So Shadow shows up and we think, oh another hedgehog, great, he’ll be on Sonic’s side, right??…WRONG. Shadow is actually working for the bad guy, Dr. Eggman in his quest to end the world.

But why? Why is Shadow working against Sonic?

Now this is a theme we see over and over again in movies, and it mimics real life. The idea of Light vs. Dark or Good Vs. Evil.

Now I believe in God, as did Jude. I believe all goodness and love flow from God down to us.

I believe God is the source of all light and love in the world. But if you don’t believe that, you can still track with me, with the idea of good vs. evil or light verses darkness.

So why did Shadow go to the dark side, why was he fighting the light of goodness?

Well we see in Shadow’s backstory that when he was young, his best friend died. And when that happened Shadow was heartbroken, just like we are now. And because of that pain he chose to block out the light. He chose to seek darkness. He was so sad that he never wanted to be happy again. Happiness almost felt like a betrayal to his friend’s memory. So he became his name, he became shadow - a place where no light exists. He stopped smiling, he stopped laughing, he stopped living his life.

I tell you this story because all of us here today can relate to that impulse. We are sad. We are heartbroken. There is a part of us that wants to turn from the light. We want to hide in shadow and stop trying. We don’t want to laugh again. We don’t want to have fun again. Those things feel like a betrayal to the pain we are in and the love we have for Jude.

But that is not what Jude stood for. Jude stood for light and fun and goofiness and adventure. If we turn from those things, we are not honoring his memory, we are honoring the darkness.

I can see Jude looking down on us and cocking his head to the side like he did when he was thinking and scrunching up his eyes. Like he did when he was going to ask a question and asking “Why are you living in shadow? Don’t you know the light is better?”

I want to challenge everyone in here to fight the urge to become a shadow version of yourself because of this great loss. Instead we have to become like Jude was, like Super Sonic, we have to run to the light. We have to have adventures and embrace friendship and goofiness We have to run to goodness and love and Life, and God. Because that’s how Jude lived his life and that’s what he would want us to do.

The world doesn’t need more shadow, it needs more light. The world lost a bright light when it lost Jude, and it might take all of us working together to shine as bright as Jude did.

Will you join me in honoring Jude by running with Super Speed towards adventure, towards friendship, towards goofiness, towards light and most importantly towards God?

Contentment

 I was with two of my daughters waiting on my carpool to pick up one before I took the other one to school. While we were waiting my youngest took her sister’s rolling backpack and began to walk in a large circle on the driveway. Halfway through this, the carpool showed up, Lucy grabbed her backpack jumped in the car and took off. My youngest was devastated. She wanted to finish the circle. Her sister had snatched the backpack and took off before she had a chance to finish and this was a big deal to her.

As we drove to school, I tried to calm her down. We talked about letting things go, and forgiveness and we prayed. But she was still upset.  I said “Gwen, you are going to have to figure out how to turn this around so you can walk into school feeling better.” 

She looked at me and said, “I’m the only one who can make myself feel better, and myself doesn’t want to feel better.”

And I got it. Immediately, I got it. Because I have been there. I can totally relate to that.

 If I feel better, that means, that it wasn’t really a big deal.

Or that my feelings don’t matter.

Or I was wrong and they were right.

We don’t want to let go of our problem. We want to sit with it. If you picture your problem like a big wolf that’s pacing around your yard. We want to keep our eyes on the problem. We want to call up our best friend, or our mom and analyze the problem. We talk about the claws of the wolf, and the teeth. We google the wolf and find horror stories of the viscous creature and the lives that were destroyed by it. And fear sets in. We stop sleeping. We get up in the night and look out the window at the wolf. We spend time and resources, or we buy books about getting rid of the wolf. We spiral.

And during all of that, our family suffers. Our quality of life suffers. We haven’t solved anything we’ve just lived in a state of discontent and fear.

I recently did a bible study on psalms. They broke the psalms down into different categories, like hymns, thanksgiving, and wisdom. One of the types is Lament Psalms. These are the woe is me Psalms, the my problem is huge psalms.  These psalms follow a pattern. They start with Pain, go to Prayer and end with Praise.

When we face a problem, we have to try to follow this pattern. We can lament the problem, we can woe is me and sit in it. But we can’t stay there. Contentment comes when we chose to pray and choose to praise. When we pray we close our eyes and take our focus off the problem. When we praise we remember who God is and His power over our problem. It doesn’t mean God immediately changes anything. Or that the scars and pain of the problem are erased. But it does allow us to find contentment and peace despite the problem. We will all face wolves. This world is full of them but we don’t have to give them our contentment.

Boundaries

A friend of mine is a plant person. One day we were discussing plants, and I told her that I don’t have any plants because I don’t need another thing to keep alive. I have three kids and a. dog. So Christmas comes along and she gives me a plant. I figure how hard can it be. I water it, I put it in a sunny window. And it thrives. And I’m feeling pretty good about keeping this thing alive. Until my daughter asked for something alive to look at in her microscope, and that’s when we realized…this is a fake plant. Not real.

We can learn two things about boundaries from this. First of all, I was pouring time, energy and resources into this plant, that did not need me. There are areas of our lives that we spend time, energy and resources that do not need us. Your kids and your husband need you. Outside of that it’s a judgement call. But If God isn’t calling you to it. If some other person, is putting pressure on you, it’s not yours to take. Then let that go.

Secondly, let’s look at this from the plants perspective. The plant was doing fine, when I came along with my well-meaning energy and created a toxic environment by adding water. There’s probably mold in there now. Well meaning people can come along and push against your healthy boundaries. Then we have to do the hard work of having a difficult conversation, which if you are a people pleaser or a conflict avoider, like me, is going to be hard.

 If I had been better at boundaries, I would have told my sweet friend, thank you so much for the plant, but I really don’t have the capacity to keep anything else alive. Maybe you could take care of it for me until some of my kids move out. Then she would’ve replied. It’s a fake plant, dummy. We would have laughed and I would’ve saved me three weeks of effort.

Time Management

I need a solid eight hours of sleep. I no longer have kids up in the night, so eight hours is doable. If you aren’t there now, I’m sorry. Feel free to take a quick nap, it won’t hurt my feelings. But I function best with eight hours, when possible. I’ve talked to other people who do well with 7, or even six.  So a couple of years ago I started praying that I could be functional with six. Thinking that with two extra hours I could get so much done.

But praying for more time is kinda like praying for more money. If you aren’t using what you have wisely, you’re unlikely to be wise with more. Time is also like money in that once it’s spent it’s gone. But I think we make a mistake when we think that we have to be busy to make the time count. In fact the money that is working the best for us isn’t the money we spend but the money that is in the bank, doing nothing, just gaining interest.

We need to realize that the bigger return on our time may come in the moments of nothing, the small moments invested in doing nothing productive with our families, or even on our own.

Our culture is in such a busy get things done mindset, that just like when we spend all out money, we bankrupt ourselves with time, we are writing checks with our time that are leading to our own depletion and exhaustion.

So take some advice from your money and just do less.  Instead of trying to get more time, let’s try to make the most of the time we have.

Christmas Time for Mommas

Christmas time for Mommas,

      Oh what bless-ed joy,

Running from store to store,

      To find the perfect toy.

 

The one your child wants,

      That’s bigger than your fridge,

But when you tried to change her mind,

      She wouldn’t budge a smidge.

 

Mommas must be perfect,

      For Santa never fails,

It’s up to us to keep Christmas,

      from going off the rails.

 

But what about the Daddy’s?

      You ask a bit surprised,

Bless the daddy’s hearts,

      They could never realize;

 

The stress the mommas face,

      That brings us to our knees,

The stakes are really high,

      and we always aim to please.

 

The momma’s list is long

      and never quite complete,

With kids, parents, in-laws,

      and his crazy cousin Pete.

 

Don’t forget the mailman,

      Your children’s teachers too,

Add coaches, neighbors, tutors,

      Just to name a few.

 

This poem has me tired,

      The season even more,

Remind me once again,

      What do we do it for?

Of course, we love our kids,

      But that’s not the reason why.

Oh yeah, it’s for the baby,

      The one who came to die.

 

The one who took our sin,

      And washed us white as snow,

For a moment I forgot,

      I was distracted so.

 

 Oh, dear mommas please,

      It shouldn’t be a race,

Try to slow down a bit,

      And give yourself some grace.

 

Shift your focus off of,

      Getting the perfect toy,

And instead look to Him

      for all your comfort and Joy.

 

Yes, this time is crazy,

      and this world is crazy too,

But a baby came to live on Earth,

      So God could love on you.

 

Open up your Bible,

      and read it with your kids,

About the birth of Jesus,

      and all the things he did.

 

The most important thing,

      to give our kids this year,

Is a tiny glimpse of God,

      And how He holds them dear.

 

So take a deep breath in,

      and hang on for the ride,

Because stress will disappear,

      With Him by your side.

 

Listen well to God and

      What he has to say,

And I promise you, you’ll have,

      A very Merry Christmas Day!

Mental Prep for the Holidays

Mental prep for the holidays

 

It’s the week before Thanksgiving. I feel like a runner the night before a marathon, wondering what I can do now to make this completely overwhelming and impossible endeavor easier. Anyone else overwhelmed by the holidays?

 

Don’t get me wrong, I love Thanksgiving and the whole Christmas season. But let’s be honest for moms it’s a marathon. We’re the magic keepers. I mean no pressure, right? Just make sure everyone in your life is acknowledged with the appropriate level of gift. Something that will surprise and delight them. From your husband to the mailman, everyone must be appropriately acknowledged. As I type this a weight is forming on my chest. The weight of Christmas Expectation. Do you feel it?

 

So, what can I do now? What can I do to make this season easier for me so that I can actually enjoy it instead of stressing out?

 

 

Organize

This is not my strong suit. But make a list and stick to it. Know who you need to shop for and keep track of what’s been purchased, what’s been delivered, if shipping and what’s been wrapped and set under the tree.

 

Minimize

Make a list of traditions that are important to you. Ask your husband and kids what traditions are important to them. Anything not mentioned gets cut. There are so many things that I have done in the past because I felt like I had to. I used to really enjoy getting a picture with Santa. When I had one child, I could put her in a dress and go to the mall on a random weekday, while school was in session and not wait in line. But now getting three kids dressed to go wait in line on a Saturday is a whole day production. So, I’m not doing that anymore. Weed out those things that aren’t important to you.

 

If it is important, then schedule it. Include any extended family that is around to increase the impact of the tradition. Then let the rest go.

 

Release the pressure

Yes, the magic is up to you. Yes, you have the power to make or break Christmas. But you aren’t a superhero.  It will be magical even if the perfect toy isn’t there. I promise. Kids are resilient. Give them credit. Don’t stress yourself out if they decide two days before Christmas that they need the IT toy that no one can find anywhere. It’s okay. Even Santa needs a little lead time.

 

 

Remember when you are stressing out that the whole reason for Christmas is to celebrate Jesus coming to forgive us and bring us Grace. So why not give ourselves a little grace. Own it. Sit in it. Relax with your kids. Sing some Christmas carols. Have a Christmas cookie. It will be magical because of what it stands for.

 

These Problems: Avoiding the Comparison Trap

We recently had a problem of ants coming in the house. They came into Gwen’s (5yo), room and marched back and forth along the chair rail. There wasn’t anything at the end of the trail, no forgotten juice cups, or fruit snack wrappers, or anything else foodish, they were just on the hunt, I guess. But my daughter was upset by their presence. We put some Windex (side note, the bug man said Windex is better than raid for ants) along the trail and tucked her into bed.

My daughter announced, “I wish I was Brooke.”

“Why?” I asked.

“I don’t want to change families or anything, but Brooke doesn’t have these problems.”

These problems. Just like that I saw myself. I saw myself every time I compared my life to someone else’s and assumed they didn’t have any problems. Even now writing this, I’m wondering if anyone else has ever had an ant invasion, maybe no one can relate.  

Just because we can’t see other people’s problems doesn’t mean they don’t have any. Brooke probably thinks Gwen’s life is perfect, she doesn’t know about the ants.

Everyone has problems. We know that. But we still compare ourselves to others without ever knowing the full picture. I told Gwen that and asked her not to compare herself to others. We all have our own unique journey. Sometimes are problems are bigger than other people’s, but most of the time someone around us is having a bigger problem than we are. So, let’s face our problems, deal with them and be kind to others, because we never know what these problems look like in their life.

Assess Don’t Obsess

I recently heard the phrase:

Assess don’t Obsess

It has become a mantra for me. I am guilty of obsession, especially when it comes to my kids. I obsess that they are not getting enough sleep, spending too much time on screens, eating too much cheese. It’s a problem over here. But where’s the line? How can I limit it to a simple assessment and hold the line before I slip into full blown obsession? I’ve found three warning signs that an issue has become an obsession.

Firstly, it’s the only thing you talk about. When one of your kids is in a difficult phase and you find that every conversation you have with anyone spirals back to that one problem, you, my friend, have become obsessed. If you find that you’re telling the mail man about your child’s chronic ear infections, just stop, take a breath, and release them from the conversation. Walk away. You have become obsessed and the topic leaks out of you with the slightest provocation.

Another way to tell you’ve become obsessed is the amount of time you spend on the topic. If you’re worried about your teens friends and spend hours reading all her texts; or if you’re struggling with a picky eater and do a deep dive online looking up expert opinions, which often contradict each other, you may have crossed over into obsession.

The final way to tell if you’ve become obsessed it the amount of mental energy you spend on a given topic. If you’re up in the night thinking through the issue, if you think about it while you drive, cook, clean, or watch tv then you are obsessing. As the bible says in Luke 12:25-26:

25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

Whether you’re all in on Jesus or not, I think we can all agree that it’s sound advice and true. We don’t fix things in the obsess mind frame.

I know this because I have been guilty of all of them. Some of my obsessions were really big deals that could affect my kids for life, others were difficulties that were not life threatening, like potty training, or picky eaters. But either way, I gained nothing from the obsession.

So, I challenge you this week to tame your obsession. Take that thing that you are spinning on, and reign it in. Bring it into a healthy assessment. What is happening here? What part of it is dangerous? What part do I have any actual control over? Is this an issue to stand firm on or to let my child fail and learn from it?

Obviously, the age and stage will vary the answer, but either way aim to Assess over Obsess

The White Rabbit

I almost missed my daughter’s doctor appointment yesterday. I had made notes, both mental and physical about the 4:00 appointment. Nonetheless I found myself driving frantically towards the office with wet hair at 4:07. I threw my phone at Lucy, 12, and asked her to find the office number and call. The phone clicked into blue tooth as it rang in the speakers in my car. The automated message answered with a load of information I didn’t need, the address, the hours, the covid-19 warning, that hasn’t been updated. Finally, I got the receptionist. I told her, we were running a few minutes late. She said, if you are more than 15 minutes late we will cancel the appointment automatically. I asked her if they’d taken a note of all the times we had been early, which is literally every other time, so we could borrow on that. She said no.

I hung up. The time was now 4:09 and I was stuck behind a car that clearly had no concept of right on red. So we waited at the light even though no cars were coming. I gritted my teeth to keep from screaming. That’s when I remembered the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. “I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date. No time to say Hello, goodbye, I’m late, I’m late, I’m late.”

How often in life do I feel like that rabbit? Of all the characters in literature, is he the one I want to relate to so well? Not really. I hate the feeling of being late. I think we all do. This wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last. But maybe next time I can see myself as the crazy rabbit and try to slow down, breath and just accept that I am late instead of feeding into it.

We pulled into the parking lot at 4:13. Lucy ran inside, leaving the van door wide open. I closed it with the key fob as I dashed to the door. We made it inside with 1 minute to spare. I told the receptionist that I’d been asleep less than ten minutes ago, my hair still wet from a shower I’d been in 20 minutes ago. She was not amused or impressed at my ability to rally.

Mom, It’s not that Serious.

Anyone else feel like the mom pressure is getting to them? I get it, everything is super important. I mean the type of juice we pick could ultimately lead to the destruction of our beautiful family. Add the fact that we face thousands of decisions like that every day and anyone would be ready to snap. When every decision becomes life or death, we walk around with the weight of that on us constantly. Let’s remember that we’re only human and life is fun! We don’t have to get everything right, luckily because we won’t. Let’s give ourselves a break and enjoy the ride.

When my middle daughter, Lucy, was in kindergarten, we were running late to school. I was frantically flying around grabbing shoes and throwing granola bars in a lunch box, barking orders. Lucy stopped in her tracks and starred at me. “Mom,” she said “It’s not that serious. Toby is late every day . . . nothing happens.”

I realized she’s right. The stakes aren’t as high as I make them out to be in my mind. So we’re late, it happens. If I can chill out maybe, we can have a good morning in spite of being late.

I’m going to be blogging about the lightness and levity of motherhood. This is the good stuff and if we stress ourselves out about all the little things, we may just miss it. Let’s sit back, have a coffee, if you’er into that, I’ll stick with hot chocolate, and try to lighten up.