Sara Staggs's Blog, page 4

3 Things to Know As A Parent About Social Transitioning

Watching your child social transition from their gender assigned at birth to their true gender identity can be challenging for some parents. It can be confusing. It can be difficult for extended families. Suddenly, Ben has long hair and and wears skirts. Elaine has a short haircut and stopped wearing dresses. Like, at all. Here are three things to know about social transition to make it easier for you, as a parent, and to make it easier to get other people on board:

1. What is 'social transitioning'?

Social transitioning is a term that describes the process by which children and teens adopt a name, pronouns, and gender expression - such as haircuts and clothes - that match their gender identity. That's a fancy way of saying it's the time period when your child assigned female at birth asks you to use he/him pronouns, stops wearing typical "girls'" clothing, and gets a haircut. 

 

Our son's social transition was gradual - it started with the clothes, moved on to 'they/them' pronouns, then 'he/him' pronouns, and then the haircut. I didn't have a hard time with it except when he got his haircut. At the time, his hair was past his shoulder blades, and I took him to my stylist for his first cut. When Nathan cut my son's pony tail off, I needed a felt my breath catch. But, I sat with a smile because that's what we do as parents - support our children, find another outlet. 

2. Support your child through this transition

Speaking of supporting your child, that's the second thing I'd like to talk about. It takes a lot of courage for a person assigned male at birth to come up to an adult - even a trusted adult - and say "Actually, I'm a girl." If they are very young (5, 6, 7), they may not realize how much courage it took, but for an older child (10+), it's not as easy as you may think. Think about it. How nervous would you be to go to your parents and say, "Mom, Dad, I'm actually a girl/boy." Not only is the coming out moment a time to show that you love and respect your kid and will always be there for him/her, but they need that same love and respect and support throughout social transitioning.

Please, get them the clothes they need to feel gender alignment. Please, let them wear their hair in the way that makes them feel comfortable. Please, get them the make-up they want or let them borrow yours. Please, call them by the pronouns they want, the names they ask. Imagine this: fathers, your parents make you wear a dress every day, call you she/her, and refuse to let you cut your hair. How upsetting would that be for you? How uncomfortable would you feel going around in the world, knowing that you are a male, but presenting as a female? Mothers, what if your parents made you have a short 'boys' haircut, only let you wear pants and boys' clothes, called you he/him? 

If you aren't supporting your child through social transitioning, that's what you are doing to them. It's damaging and dangerous. Please support them.

3. You may need to protect them a bit

In the beginning (or, heck, maybe longer than that), going from Ben to Bella may be hard for the outside world to understand. Outside of their friend group, their peers might not be kind about the social transition. This is a nice way of saying they will get bullied. If that turns out to be the case, you need to go to bat for them. Tell the teachers, tell the administration at the school, talk to the parents - whatever you need to do to keep your child safe while they transition and beyond.

Extended family may have an issue with the transition. You will need to protect your child from any harm that comments from the family may cause. If they are older (let's say a teenager), you can work together to come up with a plan to tell Grandma or aunts and uncles. If they are younger (5-8 or 9), you will need to do it on your own. My son started using they/them pronouns and wearing boys' clothes when he was six. He was not equipped to send emails or make phone calls letting other family members know about this change. 

Let's assume you support your child (Right? Good job. I know this isn't the easiest thing for a parent.), you may need to go to bat for them within your family. If there are family members who are completely against trans kids or refuse to cooperate with the social transitioning (using the new pronouns, new name), they will need to be avoided for a while. Yes, that can be sad - especially if they were people you were close with - but it doesn't have to be forever. Trust me. They can, and likely will, come around. 

Social transition can be a big deal for the kid and the parents. As the adults, you set the tone, and you have enough in you to set a positive tone, a supportive tone, and walk with your child through this journey to their true self. 

The Three Phases of Getting Published

You've written a book, which is in itself quite a feat. People have read it, critiqued it, you've revised it, and are ready to send it out. I was insanely naive going into anything past the writing section, but getting a book published is basically a three phase process. (For self-publishers, you can just read #1 and #3, but for everyone else, buckle up!)

Phase 1: Write the book

Obvious, I know, but that's really it. You have to have something polished: a book that is ready to go (or just have a few edits) from beginning to end. (NOTE: This may not be true for nonfiction writers, but this tier definitely applies to all fiction writers of all genres.) The first draft is likely not the best draft, even if you are the most diligent of plotters, so go out to congratulate yourself, put it aside for a week, two weeks, a month, and then pick it up with fresh eyes.

 

Find some beta readers who you trust. Look at their notes, remembering that writing is subjective and you don't have to change everything they suggest. But, perhaps take some - or a lot. Then, put it aside for another week, come back, read it again, and see if it's ready for Phase 2.

Phase 2: Querying the book/Finding an agent/indie publisher

Querying can be difficult and can be a bit demoralizing. It hurts to get form letters back when you aren't even sure if the agent you queried read your stuff of if it was shuffled off to an intern for their opinion. Regardless, you will need to grow some thick skin, unless you are one of the lucky few who Tweet "OMG! Got an agent in my first week of querying! Yay ME!" #PleaseRealizeThatThoseTweetsHurtPeoplesFeelings 

Regardless, you can silence those tweets and just get on with life. Make sure your query letter hooks people in early, your synopsis fits the requirements, and that your first page - first three chapters especially - are ready to go. By "ready to go" I mean you wouldn't be embarrassed to see them in print.

Please remember that not landing an agent is not indicative of the quality of your writing. Some of the best written books get shelved for a bit, and then published a few years later when the topic comes back "in style." Agents need to sell books. If there's not a market for zombies set in the Jane Austen-type time period, maybe there will be soon. Keep the manuscript and take your mind off it all by querying in a few months or next year. Trends change so fast in the publishing world.  

Phase 3: Marketing Your Book

And I never thought about this. I really thought that my publisher would just have someone to hold my hand, and walk me through this process so that we could all sell a lot of books and make some money. Turns out that even talking to authors who worked with the Big Five, they hired their own book publicists. With a small, indie press, their PR department is one guy, so it's essentially "Here are some ideas. Go follow them. Or try to." 

Your budget determines the kind of help that you can get. I would not expect to get a full-service book publicist for less than $3,000. One publicist I interviewed required $10,000 a month - with at least a three month commitment.

Low on cash? I'd start talking about your book whenever you can. Hit up the local bookstores, and talk to the manager about having them carry your book. Do your research to get the book in libraries, in schools, on Publishers Weekly. Make connections with other authors. If they are in your area, maybe you can do a reading with them or a speaking panel. Find podcasts that identify with your book's topic or any topic in your book. You can do it!

When I started this journey, no one told me about Phase 2 or Phase 3. Now, my second go-round, I'm querying with my eyes wide open, and hoping for the best!

The Importance of Knowing Seizure First Aid

When I heard that a teacher in our neighborhood school told her class that if someone has a seizure you should definitely put something in their mouth, I emailed the principal. I set up a seizure first aid training with all the teachers in the school. Sound drastic? It's really not. Seizure first aid is something that everyone should know. I've gone on the news to talk about it, tweeted about it, but in the past week I've realized that there are still so many people who don't know how to respond to a person having a seizure. So, here is the rundown plus some resources to get training on your own.

Just remember the 3 "S"s: Stay, Safe, Side

1. Stay

First of all, take a deep breath and don't panic. Start timing the seizure (we'll get into why that is important), and stay with the person having the seizure throughout the seizure and during their recovery. 

 

2. Safe

Make sure that the person is in a safe place. If the seizure has brought them to the floor, try to put something soft under their head. Keep them safe through their recovery time (post-ictal period) as well. Check to see if there is anything on them - a tight necklace, for example - that could impede their breathing. If there is, try to remove it or loosen it.

3. Side

If the seizure has brought the person to the floor, try and put them on their side. This way, they will not asphyxiate if anything comes up while they are having the seizure. 

Things not to do:

1. Do not put anything in the person's mouth

This is an old-fashioned myth: you cannot swallow your tongue. If a person having a seizure bites their tongue, I have to tell you, they’ve probably done that before - it’s just part of the deal. You can break someone's jaw by putting something hard in their mouth while they are seizing. No good can come from putting something in a person’s mouth while they are having a seizure. Don’t do it.

2. Do not restrain the person or hold them down

You need to let their body do what it is going to do. Just make sure that they are safe. Concentrate on trying to keep something under their head and timing the seizure. You cannot shake someone out of a seizure - the brain needs to run its course. Just stay with them while it does.

3. Do not call 911, unless...

You do not need to call 911 unless (1) the person has injured themselves in a way that you would call 911 anyway, (2) the seizure lasts for over five minutes (which you will know because you will have timed it!), (3) the person stops seizing and then starts again, or (4) the person is pregnant. 

So, there's your overview of seizure first aid

Below are some resources for training and information. The LA Epilepsy Foundation has a quick 30 minute seizure first aid course, which is very useful and efficient. Now, you can take charge if you see someone having a seizure because you know what to do!  

RESOURCES:

Epilepsy Foundation Seizure First Aid Course: https://learn.epilepsy.com/courses/seizure-first-aid-ready-ondemand?utm_campaign=firstaidpg&utm_source=efa&utm_medium=website&utm_content=body

Epilepsy Foundation Seizure First Aid and Recognition Information: https://www.epilepsy.com/recognition

Epilepsy Foundation Seizure First Aid Poster: https://www.epilepsy.com/sites/default/files/atoms/files/SFA%20Flier_HQ_8.5x11_PDF.pdf

How Flawed Should Your Hero Be?

When writing my novel, I re-read it after the first draft and realized that I didn't actually like my main character for the first three chapters. She came across as selfish, insensitive, and egotistical, which is fine - if there are also redeeming qualities or you have expressed a possibility of change. I realized that she didn't have any and I really hadn't. So, I rewrote the beginning, softening her a bit (but not too much - she's still a go-getter, wants more from her career, bucks limitations), and I was satisfied. 

So, how flawed should your hero be? When I say "hero" I mean main character - so if that's a tiger, then the tiger should need to grow, to find something out about itself. None of us are perfect (well, maybe you are, but I'm not), and a story about a perfect person would be pretty boring - how do they evolve in the novel if they don't have to work on anything? 

 

Make your hero imperfect, but someone that the reader can get behind and care about. Look at any novel, and see if you can find the flaw in the hero in the beginning and how the hero remedies that flaw by the end. Also, look for what connects you to the hero in the beginning, and keeps you rooting for him/her throughout the book. Maybe she's unlucky in love, but it's because she's self-sabotaging. You want that character to find love, and also to learn to not do the latter. Her journey may revolve around that, it may revolve around something else, but that self-sabotaging will be her initial (or one of her initial) flaws, and her not finding a good relationship - as of the start of the novel - is how you get behind her. You can do it, hero! is what you want your readers to think. And, I want to read about you doing it!

But, maybe, in this case, she finds that she doesn't need outside love to be satisfied. She finds self-love. Your reader was still behind her at the start to find some sort of love, even though she was flawed. She had a journey to go on, and your reader liked her enough to go on it with her. 

Make you hero flawed, but keep your hero relatable. Again, none of us are perfect, and we're not going to root for a completely unlikeable character to the end of the novel. Be generous with your flaws - they are what make the novel interesting. But, have your character do at least something close to the beginning that keeps your reader thinking, "Even if I don't like this hero, I can see that they might be able to change. I'll keep reading to see if they do."

Q&A With My Oldest Son About Having a Parent With Epilepsy

I was finally able to nail down my oldest son. He is the sibling referred to in the 8-year-old's interview. I asked him some of the same questions, some he came up with on his own. Enjoy these insights from someone who has been living with a parent with epilepsy for ten years. 

Q: What's it like having a parent with epilepsy?

A: Not that different from a regular parent. You just have to get used to them having seizures, and then it's just like having a regular parent. 

 

Q: Are there any challenges to having a parent with epilepsy? 

A: Sometimes I have to comfort my younger brother because he gets scared, but otherwise, it's not that bad.

Q: Have you ever seen your parent have seizures? How did you feel?

A: I'm too old to remember the first time I saw it. But, I've seen it so many times it's not that scary at all. 

Q: Did you ever find it scary that you can remember?

A: At the risk of being crude, no.

Q: How do you explain epilepsy to your friends?

A: We don't really talk about it often, but I explain it like your brain is a train track, and sometimes the trains collide, and then you have a seizure, which kind of looks like you are jerking around and stuff.

Q: Do you have any advice for other kids whose parents have epilepsy?

A: What kind of epilepsy?

Q:  What kind can you speak to?

A: What kind of seizures do you have?

Q:  I have complex partial seizures.

A: That's what I thought! I knew the partial seizures, I just couldn't remember the complex. Anyway, if you get used to it, it's not that bad, like I've said before. 

Q: What do you suggest other kids do if they see their parent having a seizure?

A: Don't leave your parent, but try to get someone to help. Or help them yourself if you know how to do it.

Q: Do you know how to do it?

A: Why, yes, I do! [HEROIC POSE]

Q: What do you do?

A: I get Mom's medicine and shove it up her nose. And put pillows around her and try to make it so she doesn't hit her head.

Q: Do you have any advice for the parents with epilepsy ? 

A: I think your kids will be alright. If you've had it for a long time, your kids are probably used to it by now.

And a 10-year-old bonus question:

Me: Did you just fart?

Him: Yes. And, I'm out! [RUNS DOWNSTAIRS] 

Casil McArthur - thank you!

I've written about how important it is for LGBTQIA2S+ kids to have representation - someone in the queer community who can be a role model for them in different ways. 

So, thank you, Casil McArthur. My 8-year-old trans kid loves to model. He's with an agency, but they haven't changed his photos from female to male yet, even though I told them that he's trans and have had new headshots taken and sent digitally. (They want a CD with the images on it? It's on my list. So, it's not entirely their fault, except for maybe being a few steps behind media-wise.) Anyway, he's still on the website under "girls", and we're still getting notices for girl parts. Frustrated, my son asked me if there were any grown-up transgender models. 

 

One Google search later and I came upon Casil McArthur. He's amazing, and my trans son suddenly saw that, yes, there is room for trans kids in the modeling industry. There is room for trans men in the modeling industry. We went through images and images of Casil, even images pre-transition, and I could see that my son felt like he had discovered a whole new continent - his eyes were even bigger than usual and his face was full concentration, taking in every image.

He saw that this road to transition, this journey that is just beginning, could still allow him to do the things he loves to do. Who knows - by the time he gets to Casil's age, his gender identity might not even be a topic of discussion. But it's because of people like Casil that my trans 8-year-old has that chance. 

So, I should probably find a CD and get the images burned and sent to the agency he is with, just to get my little guy auditioning for the right roles.