Chandra Clarke's Blog, page 12

Bank Breaking Work

The size of the house you’ll be able to afford. Image credit: Pixabay.

There’s nothing quite like working with the banking industry to make something special, like purchasing a new home, about as fun as a root canal.

I’m not sure what the process is like in other countries, but here in Canada, it begins with something called the “pre-approval.” Before you go house shopping, you’re meant to talk to your local bank to find out how much house you can afford.

You can’t just present your financial situation to the bank and then say, “How much would you be willing to give me?” because that would be entirely too simple. No, first you have to tell them how much you’d like to try for, and that means you have to guess the appropriate figure. I’m sure this is strictly so that bankers can post the applications in the lunch room for entertainment purposes, i.e., “And look at this one! Did he honestly think we’d even CONSIDER that number? Bwa ha ha ha ha!” or “Check out this poor sap! She’s only asked for enough for a trailer and she could have afforded MY house! Hee hee hee!”

Next, the bank reviews your finances. If you work for someone else, I expect this is a relatively painless process. If you are a self-employed business owner, I can tell you that only childbirth is more painful. This is because the bank will not review what the business makes; it will only consider your declared personal income, which, if you’ve got any kind of a decent tax accountant, will be low. Indeed, I think that’s the first time I’ve ever had a banker laugh, hand me some loose change, and tell me to go buy myself a nourishing meal.

If you persist, the bank will demand all your tax returns dating back to 1932, every single bank statement you’ve ever received, your dental records and the receipts from the paper route you had when you were twelve.

After you have turned all of this in your banker will call you and say: “We don’t have enough information.” At this point, it might be easier to get one of those moving dollies and wheel your entire filing cabinet in for photocopying.

Eventually, however, you will get a pre-approval. Armed with this, you confidently make an offer on your dream house. It’s accepted, and you call up your banker who says, “Whoops! We’d based that pre-approval on a 15% down payment, not the industry standard 10%.” This presents you with what economists call: a major @#$%^! hole in your budget.

Assuming you can work this out, the next step is to give the bank more information. They will want to know things about the property like: the assessed value, the lot size, the exact number of shingles on the garage, and the Pantone number describing the hue of the bricks. They will also want to know more about your credit history, which you will have to get for them yourself, in spite of there being umpteen dozen credit bureaus in the nation that are supposed to be keeping tabs on this sort of thing.

Meanwhile, just when you thought your mortgage pre-approval meant it was, um, pre-approved, you may have to apply for something called mortgage insurance. In Canada, if you have less than 25% of the house value in cash for the down payment, the bank wants you to get an insurance policy covering the mortgage. This is so that if you default on your payments, the bank gets to take your house *and* gets the money for the mortgage. This makes sense, because if you ever actually pay off your mortgage … you’ve paid for the house twice over in interest.

 

The post Bank Breaking Work appeared first on Chandra Clarke.

Brain Teased

Image credit: Pixabay

Well, good news and bad news for pilots. Good news: You don’t have to worry about pulling red eye flight duty anymore. Bad news: You have just been replaced by a bit of brain tissue in a Petri dish.

A Florida scientist developed a “brain” in a dish that is able to pilot a fighter plane. The brain was grown from 25,000 neurons taken from a rat and arranged over a grid of electrodes. No details have as yet been released as to how the scientist created the teeny tiny feet the brain needed to work the pedals.

Okay, so it didn’t really need feet. The “living computer” was hooked to an F-22 jet flight simulator, and over time it learned how to control the virtual plane. This is not only discouraging for professional pilots, but also for all those people who couldn’t figure out how to stop crashing the planes on that airplane video game they got last Christmas.

I know what you’re thinking: how could a dish of just 25,000 neurons fly a plane? For your answer, you have only to look at the people in the top positions of your national government — there may possibly be fewer total neurons running your country.

More seriously, consider the humble house fly. Its entire body is no bigger than the tip of your pinky finger, and yet the fly’s itsy bitsy brain can:

1. Create a mental map of a space such that it can fly up, down, left, right, forward or back without schmucking into something. Usually.

2. Come in for a perfect three-point (well, in a fly’s case, six-point) landing on a desk, a wall, or even upside down on a ceiling.

3. See that you’re approaching with a fly swatter and time its takeoff for the last possible second, in order to maximize your dammit-I-missed-again quotient.

Indeed, slow reflexes are just the least of humanity’s physical deficits. We don’t have fangs, so we have to go to our local supermarket rather than the veldt for a nice bit of wildebeest. Most of us lost our furry layer several generations ago, and so the only thing standing between us and frostbite on a winter evening is a parka and a stiff scotch. And the only scales we have are the ones in the bathroom, which remind us that we’ve been enjoying too much rump roast and hard liquor.

Our numbers aren’t that impressive either. The most recent estimates suggest that humans have about 20,000 genes. Compare that to a fruit fly (13,000), or a nematode worm (18,000) or a plant in the mustard family called aribidopsa (27,000). Yes, what this means is that, genetically speaking, we can’t even cut the mustard.

We can’t leap tall buildings, fly or breathe underwater — well we can, but not for very long, and the side effects are kind of severe. I’d bet that if there was a book listing (hello, James Herriot) All Creatures Great and Small, you’d find us under “R” for “runt of the litter,” or “F” for “failed prototype.”

So how did we survive this long? What traits do we have that ensure our success? I can think of two — the first of which is curiosity. After all, it’s us analyzing chemicals, peering into space and counting the genes. Your average dog, while very bright, is mainly interested in the number of bites it would take to demolish that cupcake you’re holding. And you know what the average cat thinks about curiosity.

Oh, and that other trait that sets humans apart?

The ability to enjoy humour columns, of course.

 

The post Brain Teased appeared first on Chandra Clarke.

Advice You Can’t Avoid

Woman shown after reading too many women’s magazines. Image credit: Pixabay

There’s nothing like an empowering, encouraging and uplifting woman’s magazine to make you feel like you’re an utter failure as wife, mother and career type.

Stand in line at any grocery checkout these days and you’ll find no less than thirty of these things, all of which must assume that your life is a mess, because they offer endless advice on how to fix it. After much study (I have four children, so I spend a lot of time at the grocery store), I have decided that I am going to start a woman’s magazine. I’ve already worked out the formula for publishing success.

First, each issue must include something on weight loss. I’ll vary the type of article on a three month cycle. In the first month, there will be an article describing seven “miracle foods” that help you lose weight naturally. In the second month, we’ll discuss the latest herbal supplement/aromatherapy/ acupressure “breakthrough.” In the third month, I’ll throw in the latest diet plan. I figure that as long as it promises to help you lose 25 pounds by [insert upcoming holiday], any plan will do. After all, grown women with all their faculties have actually been known to follow things like the “cabbage soup diet.” When I want to boost sales, I’ll do a focus piece on plans like “the ice cream diet” or “the fried chicken diet.” [Aside: Will someone invent a Merlot diet? Please?]

Sprinkled throughout the magazine there must also be ideas on how to save money. For example, I might show readers how to avoid having to spend money on fancy curtain tiebacks by combining a toilet paper tube, some of junior’s finger paint and a bit of creativity. I will also need to print tips on how to save time, by, for instance, putting your foundation/cover makeup in a spray bottle for easier application in the morning. Stress-busting tips are also de rigueur, and must involve something that you wouldn’t think of on your own, like hanging upside down from your clothes rack to stretch and release your back muscles.

Of course no woman’s magazine would be worthy of the genre without a tempting dessert on the cover, preferably something that involves chocolate. The dessert must look like it was crafted by a team of highly trained pastry chefs. The headline should promise that you, with your chipped measuring cups, twenty-year-old bakeware and a busted sifter, can throw it together in ten minutes or less.

Now I have you feeling hopeful about shedding holiday pounds, guilty because you’re thinking about dessert, and kitchen impaired because your Light and Fluffy Chocolate Mousse could be used as masonry mortar. So it’s time to bring in fear.

This will also follow a three month article cycle. I’ll start with Death In Your Medicine Cabinet: Learn About the Everyday Medicine That Could Kill You! This will be followed up with Danger in the City: Get Street Smart Before It’s Too Late! I’ll finish the cycle with a bittersweet Katie’s Journey: Read About One Woman’s Struggle Against the Disease That’s Killing Thousands Daily.

Finally, no woman’s magazine would be complete without a story about sex (or if I want to publish another Cosmopolitan-style magazine, at least half a dozen articles). The good thing about this topic is that it hits all the right notes all over again. There’s hope (Spice Up Your Bedroom Life!), guilt (Why Your Spouse Feels Neglected), Fear (New Survey! Who’s Getting More Than You), and kitchen impaired (Wait, what?).

Right, I’m off to pen the inaugural issue. I have time for this because I used the spray bottle foundation trick this morning while hanging upside down from my closet organizer.

 

 

The post Advice You Can’t Avoid appeared first on Chandra Clarke.

I Have An Exclusive For You Today

I’m ridiculously excited to share something today, with you, my long-time readers and fans.

I have a novel coming out on April 7, the first of two (!) this year. [Insert squee noises] I’m revealing the cover here for the first time. Check out… Echoes of Another:

 

Here’s the plot:

In the groove. In the zone. A period of intense focus and high performance that feels effortless. Flow.

In a near future Toronto, a naïve young scientist named Kel invents a device to produce the mysterious state of ‘flow’ on demand, hoping to unleash humanity’s creative potential on our greatest problems. But the prototype she invents to record and then play back the neurological and physiological states associated with flow can be used to record other mind-body states. Her prototype is stolen, duplicated, and put to use for an astonishing range of causes, some good, and some very bad.

As Kel struggles to regain control of her device, it threatens to destroy her legacy and upend the lives of several others, until all uses of the technology converge on the most unexpected and unintended consequence of all.

Cool, yes?

It is available for pre-order right now as a Kindle ebook, and as a paperback. Annnnd…

If you’re on my advanced review team, you could be selected to get a free digital copy!

I’ll be giving away 10 digital copies of the book to readers who will give their honest reviews of the book on publication day. If you’re not on the advanced review team email list, you can sign up for that using the form below.

Of course, it goes without saying that I’d love it if you’d share this post on Facebook, Twitter, or any other social media, or email it directly to any friends you think would like this book. Especially if you happen to know any book reviewers!

I look forward to hearing what you all think of it!

 

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The post I Have An Exclusive For You Today appeared first on Chandra Clarke.

What’s in Your TBR Pile?

My TBR piles on any given day. Image credit: Pixabay

I have one on an end table in my living room. Another on the night table in the bedroom.

And thanks to the digital age, there’s the virtual pile on my Kindle app. And oops, there’s also a library wish list and an Amazon wish list.

I’m talking, of course, about my To Be Read (TBR) pile. Er, piles.

Like many of you, I read for a number of reasons. To escape for a while. To occupy my mind when I’m waiting for something (like for the kids to finish their karate classes). To help me stay sane. So, what have I been reading?

How to Get Filthy Rich in Rising Asia: A Novel, by Mohsin Hamid. A short, bittersweet slice of life piece about contemporary Asia, written as though it were a self-help book. It’s an unflinching look at the rural/urban divide, the sacrifices required to get ahead, corruption, environmental degradation, opportunities, and change.

The Blue Zones: Lessons for Living Longer From the People Who’ve Lived the Longest, by Dan Buettner. An eminently readable tour of several so called ‘blue zones,’ where people have long, healthy lifespans. Although fairly old now (published in 2010), it has some interesting implications for how we think about health care. Spoiler: There’s more to it than superfoods!

Astrofuturism: Science, Race, and Visions of Utopia in Space, by De Witt Douglas Kilgore. A series of essays discussing the American tradition of technological utopianism in art, as a response to the sociological upheavals in the 20th century. Or, in other words, what all that gee whiz sci fi stuff was about. A good read for a sci fi/space race nerd like myself.

Becoming Superman: My Journey From Poverty to Hollywood, by J. Michael Straczynski. Best known for Babylon 5 and Sens8, this is Straczynski’s astonishing autobiography. Straczynski is a consummate storyteller, so it’s a compelling read, but not an easy one by a long shot. That he was able to survive his childhood and go on to make so many cool things is something of a miracle. I’m even more of a fan now than I was before.

Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. This one had been in my TBR forever, as it was one of those books that is high on people’s recommended books list, but I never seemed to be in the right mood to pick it up. It’s an exploration of Hindu and Buddhist philosophies as told by one man’s journey through life. [As I’m writing this, it occurs to me that Hamid’s book (above) could be considered an updated version of Siddhartha.] I read an article in The Atlantic recently that suggested that a lot of Americans were exploring Buddhist practices like mediation as a coping mechanism. If that’s you, this might be a good starting point to learn the philosophies behind the practice.

The Longevity Economy: Unlocking the World’s Fastest-Growing, Most Misunderstood Market by Joseph F. Coughlin. This one wasn’t even in my TBR, as it was an impulse pickup at the library. An eye-opening read about how much media and marketing shapes our perceptions on aging, and how much potential those perceptions waste. Read this one now, even if you’re a long way from retirement, as it will help you consciously shape how you get older.

The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison. This one is a slower read at times, so don’t expect high adventure and derring-do. It’s an excellent meditation on leadership, however. Recommended for anyone who wants an example of how to lead by, well, example, even when you’re surrounded by the proverbial vipers.

What about you? What are you reading right now? Answer in the comments below.

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The Naked Truth

Image Credit: Pixabay

Well, we’re approaching SuperBowl time again in the United States, and that means that up to 800 million people may be in front of their TV set soonish.

In that group, approximately six people will be tuning in to watch the actual football match. About 150 million people will record the show to skim to the new commercials, and the rest will be watching the halftime show very carefully, hoping Justin Timberlake will show up to rip the shirt off another female singer.

The furor over that show revealed (haha!) how very confused we still are over what’s acceptable viewing on television these days. Everyone talked about the bare chest and it was even the subject of an investigation and a half million dollar fine. Hardly anyone talked about the charming SuperBowl advertisement which featured a horse breaking wind rather violently into a woman’s face. So apparently wardrobe malfunctions = bad, horse malfunctions = good.

Elsewhere in the world, nudity isn’t such an issue. Many countries have nude beaches: the sand just doesn’t bother covering up. The Dutch have at least 135 nude beaches, which just goes to show that Netherlanders aren’t terribly worried about hiding their nether bits.

A recent article in the National Post suggested that some two million people in Great Britain practice nudism. Presumably they only practice there because it’s too darned damp to do it for real.

That number rises to five million in France. This is likely because of the warmer climate which makes it easier to take off your clothes, and also helps produce really good wine, which also makes it easier to take off your clothes. Oddly enough, at least 11 million Germans claim to be nudists; remarkable because when people think of the phrase “wild and fancy free” they don’t usually also think “German.”

Meanwhile, there are entire websites devoted to something called “nudist travel.” It’s unclear as to whether this means traveling to nudist locations or travelling in the nude. I can see, however, where there would be definite advantages in the latter: you’d be waved through airport security check points, and you’d have one heck of a lot more room in your suitcase for souvenirs.

We even allow nudity here in Canada. There are nudist resorts in every province, and where I live women can go topless in public. Most don’t bother because in the summer, the mosquitoes are bad enough when fully clothed, thank you, and in the winter, well, the frostbite wouldn’t bear thinking about.

Personally, I’m quite happy wearing clothes, not out of modesty but practicality. I don’t tan, I lobster; I spill hot tea or coffee with alarming frequency; I use a laptop. I’m quite happy to have a layer or two of clothing between me and the hospital burn ward.

Still, I’m not sure I understand why other people worry so much about other people’s clothes or lack thereof. Some will tell you that rampant nudity would cause too many lustful thoughts, but really, have you taken a good look at most people lately? There’s a reason why public speaking coaches tell you that the best way to laugh, relax, and stop fearing your audience is to imagine them in their underwear.

And anyway, perhaps if we all got a good look at how unfit most of us are, we’d be inspired to do something about it. After all, if we focused on the amount of gravy covering our fries, we’d likely find we need less cloth to cover — or even partially cover — our behinds.

 

 

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All Green Thumbs

It’s winter — well, it is here in the northern hemisphere, anyway — and that means it’s time for all good homeowners to plan out their spring home and garden maintenance. I mean, how else do you get through a winter except by anticipating greenery to come? Your local newspaper will probably print a spring […]

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Making Room for Hobbies

John Scalzi, a sci-fi author I follow on Twitter (and read regularly — check out his Redshirts if you’re a Trek fan), said something recently that made me remember the importance of down time. He said something along the lines of: ‘Who knew that living in interesting times could be so exhausting?’ He was referring […]

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Kitschmas is Coming

I do try to like Christmas, I really do. It is, after all, supposed to be a time for getting together with family and friends, eating good food, and giving gifts. But boy, do North American stores make it hard. For starters, every year, the retail push starts earlier and earlier. No sooner is the […]

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Childhood Defined

It’s tough being a parent in the 21st century. Not because there aren’t any places to go for advice on important issues – just the opposite, in fact. There must be hundreds of childrearing books out there, a couple dozen parenting magazines, and umpteen web sites. Naturally, they all give conflicting advice; worse, some of […]

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