Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 77

The booty quandary is finally answered

Pirate’s Booty is a puffed corn and rice snack that my children and students eat often.

One of my favorite questions to ask these kids while eating this snack is this:

“Do you think the booty in Pirate Booty refers to the pirate’s treasure or the pirate’s butt?”

Children insist it’s the pirate’s treasure, but they often waver when I point out that the small snack puffs resemble a tiny butt.

So last January, I wrote to Hershey, the maker of Pirate Booty, for an answer. I wrote:

_________________________

January 12, 2023

To Whom It May Concern:

I’m a parent of two children and an elementary school teacher who watches a lot of children eat an enormous amount of Pirate’s Booty.

For years, I’ve been asking these children:

Is the Pirate’s Booty a reference to the pirate’s treasure (booty) or the pirate’s butt (booty)?

Most children argue in favor of the treasure, but I am quick to point out that the actual Pirate’s Booty does look like little butts.

Most are unconvinced. They think I’m crazy and annoying.

Could you please settle it for us once and for all?

Warmly,
Matthew Dicks
_________________________

It took a while, but I received an answer two weeks ago.

They wrote:
_________________________

Dear Matthew,

Thank you for contacting The Hershey Company. We appreciate your interest in PIRATE’S BOOTY. The BOOTY is referring to the Pirate’s treasure.

Thank you again, Matthew, for taking the time to write to us.

Sincerely,

Dora W.
Consumer Representative
Case #10913560
_________________________

I don’t know why responding took eight months, but I was thrilled. On the first day of school, as three students consumed Pirate’s Booty for a snack, I shared the story and the letter.

They couldn’t believe it.

Unfortunately, the late arrival of the response meant that I needed to photocopy the letter, write a letter of my own, and send it to my 19 students from last year so they could know what the booty in Pirate’s Booty is referring to, and more importantly, the joy in asking questions, writing letters, and being silly.

They will be receiving those letters at their homes today. I only wish I could see the looks on their faces when they read Dora’s letter.

I would’ve also loved to see the look on Dora’s face when she opened my letter and read my request.

I hope it made her laugh as much as her response made me laugh.

Resolution update: August 2023

Every month I report the progress of my yearly goals in order to monitor progress (or the lack thereof) and hold myself accountable.  The following are the results from August 2023.PERSONAL FITNESS

1. Don’t die.

I managed to contract COVID-19 in August – probably while traveling back from the West Coast, but I handled it fine. A pesky cold, though I also passed it on to Elysha.

So still alive, despite an insidious little virus infecting me.

As always, I plan on living forever or die trying.

2. Lose 20 pounds.

I gained two pounds in August, primarily thanks to vacation and COVID-19. Some good eating while away combined with a lot of list exercise time.

This brings my total weight down to 33 pounds in 2023. Still well ahead of the original goal of 20 pounds.

I won’t declare victory until I get through the year with sustained weight loss, but at the moment, the goal to lose 20 pounds, as well as my revised goal of 30 pounds, have been achieved.

Now that I’ve hit my new goal, I’m setting my sights on another 10 pounds, which would bring my total weight loss to 40 pounds. This might be difficult but not impossible.

I’ve replaced most of my wardrobe as a result of the weight loss.

3. Do at least 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, and three one-minute planks five days a week.

I missed seven days in August because of COVID-19.

4. Cycle for at least five days every week. 

I missed a total of 16 days in August. Eleven were missed while I was on vacation on the West Coast. Another five were missed because of COVID-19.

None of this was in my control.

In an effort to make up for the missed days, I also rode the bike (stationary and actual bike) two or more times on a single day for ten days in August and three or more times on three days in August

5. Improve my golfing handicap by two strokes. 

My handicap at the start of the year was 17.6.

I played about a dozen rounds of golf in August, and my handicap is holding steady at 20.9.

I played poorly on the West Coast, but I improved each round and putted especially well. I also recently shot a six-over 31 on a par 37, including two birdies.

I also played a round of golf with my coach and shot a 46 despite falling apart on the last two holes.

Great improvement is happening. I need to hit my driver consistently and hit all of my clubs longer if I hope to improve significantly.

WRITING CAREER

6. Complete my eighth novel.

The book is about half complete, but I haven’t made any progress in 2023 as I focus on my nonfiction first. I will begin work on it this month.

7. Write my next Storyworthy book.

Done. Sending it off to the editor!

8. Write/complete at least three new picture books, including one with a female, non-white protagonist.

My agent still has my beaver-related picture book for review.

I’ve also started two new ideas. Short, incomplete, and very much in the rough draft stage.

Now that my storytelling book is finished, I can look to these projects.

9. Write a new solo show.

Done.

10. Perform a new solo show.

Done. Performed July 30 and 31 and August 1. I look forward to performing it again.

11. Write a musical.

My friend Kaia and I are writing a musical that we will also perform, even though I cannot sing. She writes the music and lyrics. She and I write the story.

We brainstormed ideas in August and came up with some exciting ideas. A new concept and some ideas for songs.

I need to write some of the story in order for Kaia to begin writing music. I haven’t done that yet because we were immersed in the solo show, but now that it’s done, I’m hoping to turn my focus on this next staged project.

12. Submit at least five Op-Ed pieces to The New York Times for consideration.

No progress.

13. Write at least four letters to my father.

I wrote a birthday note to my father in March.

One letter has been sent in 2023 so far.

14. Write 100 letters in 2022.

Done.

Another 59 letters were sent in August, bringing the total number to 165.

Recipients included Politico, Delta Airlines, CVS, Ron DeSantis, former students, friends, colleagues, and two business owners.

15. Convert 365 Days of Elysha into a book.

No progress. There is probably a company that does this sort of thing.

16. Read at least 12 books. 

Done. Five books were read in August. A total of 13 books so far in 2023.

Hooked: How to Produce Habit-Forming Products by Nir Eyal
Tough Sh*t by Kevin Smith
From Saturday Night to Sunday Night by Dick Ebersol
The Ship Beneath the Ice by Mensun Bound
Nobody Wants to Read Your Sh*t by Steven Pressfield

I’m in the middle of reading the following books:

“The Other Wes Moore” by Wes Moore
“Think Like a Monk” by Jay Shetty
“The Groucho Letters”
“Million Dollar Maverick” by Alan Weiss

13 books read so far in 2023.

“Sapiens” by Yuval Harari
“Life’s a Gamble” by Mike Sexton
“The Sea We Swim In” by Frank Rose
“Born a Crime” by Trevor Noah
This Will All Be Over Soon” by Cecily Strong
“Magic Words” by Jonah Berger
“The Science of Storytelling” by William Storr
“Slayers and Vampires” by Edward Gross and Mark Altman
“Hooked: How to Produce Habit-Forming Products” by Nir Eyal
“Tough Sh*t” by Kevin Smith
“From Saturday Night to Sunday Night” by Dick Ebersol
“The Ship Beneath the Ice” by Mensun Bound
“Nobody Wants to Read Your Sh*t” by Steven Pressfield

17. Read TIME’s 100 Best Children’s Books of All Time. 

I didn’t read any of these books in August. Reading will resume this month now that school has begun.

A total of 15 so far.

I’ve read many of the other books on the list in the past, but I am only counting those books that I have read in 2023 toward my goal.

18. Write to at least six authors about a book I love. 

No progress.

STORYTELLING/SPEAKING CAREER

19. Complete the re-recording of Storyworthy For Business. 

“Storyworthy” for Business is complete and available for purchase. Find it and much more at storyworthymd.com.

I want to produce a much-improved version of the course ASAP. Module 1 is now re-recorded. A lot more needs to be done.

20. Record the next Storyworthy course.

Done.

Two brand-new courses have been added to the Storyworthy platform:

Finding Stories
Anatomy of a Story
Humor: Volume #1

I’m proud of all of them. You should check them out.

21. Produce a total of six Speak Up storytelling events in 2023

Three shows in 2023 so far:

April 22 at the Connecticut Historical SocietyMay 4 in partnership with Voices of HopeJuly 29 at Hartford Flavor Company

We have a show scheduled for September 30 at Wolcott School.

More to come!

22. Pitch myself to at least three upcoming TEDx events with the hopes of being accepted by one.

Done!

I spoke at a TEDx event at the University of Connecticut in January. It went well despite a malfunctioning clicker that sometimes advanced two slides instead of one.

You can’t imagine how annoyed this made me.

Also, due to the delay in posting a TEDx Talk from more than a year ago, my University of Connecticut talk will not be loaded onto the TED platform for reasons I don’t quite understand.

I also spoke at a TEDx event in Natick, MA on April 13. It went quite well.

I pitched myself to TEDx events in Harlem, Roxbury, and on the campus of Yale University. Harlem has declined. I await word from the two others.

23. Attend at least eight Moth events with the intention of telling a story.

No Moth events in August. Vacation plus COVID-19 interrupted the schedule.

A total of ten Moth shows attended in 2023 thus far.

24. Win at least one Moth StorySLAM.

Done. I won the Moth StorySLAM in Boston on March 29.

25. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.

I competed in a Moth GrandSLAM in Boston in May and did not win. I also had to go first, which is not exactly fun or conducive to winning.

I was invited to compete in the Seattle GrandSLAM in March and again in October, but traveling cross country was not possible at those times.

I will be performing at the Moth GrandSLAM in NYC on November 1.

26. Produce at least 24 episodes of our podcast Speak Up Storytelling.

No progress.

27. Perform stand-up at least six times in 2022.

No progress.

28. Pitch three stories to This American Life.

No progress.

29. Pitch myself to Marc Maron’s WTF podcast at least three times.

No progress.

30. Send a newsletter to readers at least 50 times. 

No newsletters were sent in August.

A total of 41 newsletters have been sent thus far in 2023.

HOME

31. Clear the basement.

Progress continues and is going well. One more large piece of furniture to remove. Many more items need to be removed.

32. Clean and clear the garage.

A much-needed dumpster, a trip to the dump,  or perhaps a neighbor’s tag sale will be key to completing this task, but it’s nearly done. There are large items that need to be discarded, and a pile of school supplies needs to be organized or eliminated, but otherwise, almost complete.

33. Furnish and decorate the studio. 

Done!

34. Eliminate clothing not being worn and closet bins.

Just two bins left to go through with Elysha.

FAMILY/FRIENDS

35. Text or call my brother or sister once per month. 

Done.

36. Take at least one photo of my children every day.

Done.

37. Take at least one photo with Elysha and me each week.

Six photos were taken in August.

38. Plan a reunion of the Heavy Metal Playhouse.

No progress.

39. I will not comment – positively or negatively – about the physical appearance of any person save my wife and children in order to reduce the focus on physical appearance in our culture overall.

Done.

40. Surprise Elysha at least six times in 2023.

Seven surprises in August, including:

First-class tickets on the flight back from DC (from July)First-class tickets on the flight to Everett, WAPusheen gift boxTickets to “Back to the Future” on BroadwayTickets to “Mrs. Doubtfire” at the BushnellA collection of simple syrups from Whidbey IslandRhode Island and Boston weekends planned with friends for the fall

18 surprises so far in 2023, including:

Half a dozen birthday cards, all handmade, scattered throughout her life on her birthdayTickets to the upcoming Lizzo concertA Pusheen Mystery BoxGoodie bag of Trader Joe’s delightsCoat from Canyon RanchVisit from KathySurprise dessert delivered personally to her schoolAnother surprise surprise dessert delivered personally to her schoolAnother Pusheen Mystery BoxTickets to Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me, Tina Fey/Amy Poehler, and Jenny LewisFlowers following Clara’s dance recital

41. Play poker at least six times in 2023.

No progress. It’s ridiculous since I love this game so much.

42. Spend at least six days with my best friend of more than 30 years.

No visits in August. Scheduled one canceled because of COVID-19.

MUSIC

43. Memorize the lyrics to at least five favorite songs. 

I memorized the lyrics to “Lay It On Me” by Vance Joy.

I memorized the lyrics to “Come a Little Bit Closer” by Jay and the Americans.

I’m still working on Fleetwood Mac’s “Go Your Own Way” and “Renegade” by Styx (with Charlie and Clara).

Others, too.

44. Learn to play the piano by practicing at least three times a week. 

Done.

MISCELLANEOUS PROJECTS

45. Learn the names of every employee who works at my school.

I learned the names of four paraprofessionals and two certified staff members this week. Two new and four existing staff members.

46. Convert our wedding video to a transferable format.

Done! The wedding video, along with a great deal of other content, was successfully extracted from my ancient Apple laptop. The footage was not removed in perfect order, so some work will need to be done to reassemble the parts of the video, but at last, this goal has been completed.

47. Memorize five new poems.

No progress. But there is a show in Hartford called Other People’s Poems, where you read (and perhaps recite poetry) from memory.

I plan to attend in September.

48. Write to at least three colleges about why they should hire me.

I have begun writing the letter, though I’m starting to wonder if I would still want the job.

49. Complete my Eagle Scout project.

I’ve reached out to the folks who manage the cemeteries in Newington for assistance on this project in March.

No response.

Still need to reach out again.

50. Post my progress regarding these resolutions on this blog and social media on the first day of every month.

Done!

A lack of curiosity? Or something else?

My family and I were recently on vacation in San Francisco. During our trip, we attended lectures in the Muir Woods – a forest of redwood trees – and Alcatraz Island. At the end of each lecture, the speaker asked if there were any questions. Of the dozens of people attending each lecture, only two people asked questions:

My kids. Clara and Charlie.

I had questions, too, but knowing how often I have a chance to speak, I always try to make room for others.

The absence of questions appalled me. How tragically incurious and disinterested my fellow attendees were after hearing the talk. My children had so many questions.

How could no one else have a single one?

When I returned home, I told a friend about my disappointment in the human race and its disturbing lack of curiosity.

Her response:

“Matt, it’s not that they didn’t have questions. They were just afraid to ask. People can’t stand speaking in public. And they’re afraid of sounding foolish when they do.”

This possibility never occurred to me. It’s never, ever occurred to me.

I mentioned this lack of questions to another friend, who told me almost exactly the same thing.

I couldn’t believe it.

I have never been afraid to say anything, anywhere, at any time. I look forward to the next opportunity to speak in public. I’d rather speak to 1,000 people than a single person. I’ve spent most of my life looking for an audience to listen to me.

But for most people – nearly everyone – public speaking is inherently fraught with peril. On a list of fears, people often rate it ahead of death.

This was an excellent reminder for me:

You don’t know what you don’t know.

Your reality does not always reflect the reality of others.

Your worries and fears are not always emblematic of the worries and fears of others.

Get out of your bubble whenever possible.

Avoid assumptions whenever possible.

The obvious answer is not always the correct answer.

You are not like everyone else, and everyone else is not like you.

Charlie catches a humpy!

A few weeks ago, while visiting friends on Whidbey Island on the west coast, Charlie went fishing in the ocean for the first time. After fishing for about an hour without any luck, we told Charlie that he could cast a couple more times before we needed to leave.

On his second to last cast, he hooked a humpy – a humpbacked salmon – and landed it on the beach.

A big fish for a little boy and quite the fight.

It’s a fun video to watch below.

Charlie got lucky that day.

Catching the fish was lucky, especially considering no one else on the beach had caught a thing, but even luckier was everyone who came together to make it happen.

Plato Karafelis, who found a friend and golfing buddy who was also a skilled fisherman.

Walter, the fisherman who taught Charlie to fish in the ocean and provided him with the necessary equipment – a longer pole, stronger fishing line, and the right lure.

Scott and Patty, owners of the home on Bush Point, where the humpback salmon were known to be running. They offered us their prime fishing spot for the afternoon and chatted with Plato and me while Walter and Charlie fished.

It takes a village sometimes. Plato isn’t a fisherman, and though I spent my boyhood fishing, I have never been fishing in the ocean. Had it not been for the kindness of strangers, this moment would’ve never happened.

Luckily, happily, and fortunately, a handful of adults came together to create an unforgettable memory for my son.

I couldn’t be more grateful.

My morning with Gus

I played golf yesterday morning with an 83-year-old guy named Gus before our school district’s convocation. I’d never met him before, but I caught up to him on the second hole, and he invited me to play with him.

He is an amazing person. Engineer-turned-attorney who retired at 62. He lost his wife three years ago. Plays golf four days a week. Still carries his bag.

Best morning I’ve spent in a while.

I told him I was starting my 25th school year.

His response:

“Good job being a teacher. You get to go to heaven.”

I told him I didn’t believe in heaven or God.

He said, “That’s okay. You’re a teacher. He’ll forgive you.”

As we played, he offered me some of his wisdom. I asked him if I could write some of it down on my phone, so I remember it and could share it with others later on. He agreed as long as it didn’t slow me down.

Here is what he said:

It’s good that you’re up and out this morning. Only one good thing ever happens in bed, and it almost never happens in the morning.

Teach those kids how to learn, and teach those kids to love to learn because all the nonsense you’re teaching today won’t mean a damn tomorrow. But if they know how to read and write, and mostly if they know how to learn and love to learn, they’ll rule the world.

The best teachers make kids love school. Tell your teachers to make it the first, second, and third thing they do every day. It’s the thing I cared about most as a parent.

Find the coworker who you have the least in common with or the one who bothers the hell out of you. Make that person your friend this year. They’ll be the one you can learn from the most. Unless that person is an idiot. In that case, avoid that person at all costs. Idiots are useless.

Tell parents when their kids are acting like dumbasses. Don’t sugarcoat anything.

Tell your kids to stop talking on speakerphone. These people are making me crazy. No one wants to hear your damn conversation. Use a phone like a phone.

Tell those teachers to ignore the nonsense in the news. The crazy gets the attention, but for every crazy person, there are tens of thousands of good people who don’t want you dead and think you’re doing a great job,

Teachers don’t get paid nearly enough. I don’t know how to fix that, but it’s a disaster.

Gus also offered me four excellent golf tips:

Don’t spend all that time getting to the green only to rush the putt without looking at it from both sides. That’s just ridiculous.You need half a dozen clubs. You’re not a pro. Learn to his those six clubs well. To hell with with rest.Stay hydrated. I’m not kidding. People always fall apart in the last two holes because they’re dehydrated and don’t know it.If you’re playing quickly enough, don’t let anyone rush you. You own the grass you’re standing on as much as anyone else.

I shot six over par, which is damn good for me, thanks in large part to Gus, who can read greens better than anyone I’ve ever met. I also hit the ball well, mostly because Gus somehow made me feel so relaxed with every swing.

I came within four inches of an eagle on the last hole.

Gus yelled at me for taking a photo of the ball. “Just putt the damn thing.”

I’m playing golf again this morning before I head to school.

I’m very much hoping to catch up with Gus again.

Speak kindly, thoughtfully, and wisely to yourself

Today, I begin my 25th year of teaching. Summer has come to a close, which isn’t easy. As much as I love my job, I admittedly enjoy the long, relatively relaxing summer days more.

Yes, I wrote a book this summer and did a great deal of consulting, public speaking, performing, and the like, but in all of those occupations, I control my schedule. I work when I want to work, which is delightful.

Teaching is much less flexible in this regard.

Lying in my bed at 4:30 this morning, preparing to say goodbye to another summer vacation, I prepared myself. In my mind – not aloud because Elysha was sleeping about three inches from me – I said to myself:

When I was a boy, I wanted to be a teacher, but I never thought it would ever be possible.

“Teaching elementary school is literally a dream come true for me.”

“There was a time in my life when college seemed impossible.”

“There was a time when awful, evil people tried like hell to take my teaching job from me, but today, I am still standing, teaching, doing what I love. They lost, and I won because today, I get to be a teacher again.”

“I was once homeless, penniless, and awaiting trial for a crime I did not commit. I had no future and had nearly given up hope. Today, I get to be a teacher again. O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”

“I met my beautiful, brilliant, hilarious wife while teaching. I met some of my closest friends while teaching. Teaching has been a gift to me. Every year it brings more unexpected, unbelievable gifts.”

I said all of those things while lying in bed. I couldn’t wait to get out of bed when I was done. Yes, I would still prefer a few more weeks of summer, but I felt incredible as I rose from bed.

Our brains are always listening to what we are thinking and saying aloud. Our minds are constantly looking for clues about how we should be feeling. We must do everything possible to put ourselves in the right frame of mind to be happy and prosperous.

We must defeat recency bias. Remind ourselves of our accomplishments. Remember why we chose this path. Celebrate our victories. Play the long game. Get ourselves excited about the next challenge. Stomp out negative thinking. Find gratitude. Choose positivity.

Quote Lewis Carroll once more:

“O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!””

I’m following that moment in bed with a round of golf this morning before driving over to the high school to attend our school district’s convocation at 8:30. A quick nine holes to suck out all the marrow (Henry David Thoreau) from the summer. Squeeze out every bit of joy from another blissful, joyous vacation.

Then, after convocation, I’ll walk over to the golf course adjacent to the parking lot of the high school. There is a short par 3 on the other side of the fence – part of an 18-hole course – that I’ve played hundreds of times over the years. I’ll take a 7-iron, a wedge, and a putter, and I’ll play that hole two or three times before heading over to school and unlocking my classroom door for the first time this year.

A little more marrow before getting down to business.

Take care of yourself today and always. Take care of your spirit. Seek positivity. Strive for happiness. Remind yourself about what is good and right in your life. Take action to ensure that every day contains a little bit of heaven, whatever that might mean for you.

Last year, while walking the halls of my school, a colleague asked me, with an interesting blend of sincerity and irritation, why I always seemed so happy.

The answer, which was too long to provide on that day, was all of this. All these little things that I say to myself, remind myself, and do for myself to ensure I have as much joy and positivity in my heart as I can muster.

Not every day can be a good day, but I can try to make every day as good as it can possibly be, and it doesn’t take much. A little bit of positive self-talk. A splash of kindness for oneself. An indulgence or two whenever possible.

Our brains are always listening to what we say and think. You get to choose – every minute of every day – what it hears. Be thoughtful, be kind, and choose wisely, and people may wonder why you’re always so damn happy.

Happy school year to all of my fellow teachers. You’re doing one of the most important jobs in the world.

Congratulations. I hope this year is your best yet.

My “prison look”

A few years ago, I was working with formerly incarcerated men who now work in public schools, connected and supporting teenagers in hopes of helping them avoid the same mistakes they made.

I was teaching them to tell stories.

During our lunch break, one of the men sat down beside me and said, “So where did you do your time?”

It took me a second to understand what he was asking. When I realized that he was asking where I had served my time in prison, I said, “Oh no. I’ve spent time in jail, but I’ve never been in prison.”

He looked at me for a moment, seeming to size me up, and then said, “That’s funny. You have a real prison look about you.”

It sounds ridiculous, but I loved that comment. Prison isn’t a place where you typically want to be associated, but the thought that I might look tough enough to possess a “real prison look” in the company of men who were formerly incarcerated and knew something about being tough enough to survive prison was thrilling.

I immediately told many of my friends about this comment, and they all agreed.

One friend texted, “You should have that sentence put on a plaque and hung in your living room.”

One of my school district’s administrators texted back, “You’re so lucky. I wish I had a prison look.”

This thought came back to me while visiting Alcatraz a couple of weeks ago. After touring the prison and listening to the former guards and inmates describe life in the prison via the audio tour, I realized that despite my possible prison look, I don’t think I’m tough enough to have survived a place like Alcatraz or perhaps any prison anywhere.

I spent a day in a jail cell before being arraigned before a judge, and that was hard enough.

Still… “You have a real prison look about you” is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about me.

Shortcomings and Flaws 2023

More than a decade ago, a reader accused me of being materialistic after I wrote about my lack of a favorite number, specifically criticizing me for saying that when it comes to my salary, my favorite number is the largest number possible.

After properly refuting his charges of materialism, I acknowledged that I had plenty of other shortcomings and offered to list them in order to appease my angry reader. Then I did. Then I added to the list when friends suggested that I had forgotten a few.

Nice friends. Huh?

So began an annual tradition of posting my list of shortcomings and flaws, starting first in 2011 (the list only had 10 items that year), and continuing in 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, and now.

I’m happy to report that although the list remains relatively long, I’m removing …

I also tried to remove these two from the list, thinking I’d made significant progress in these areas, but Elysha emphatically said no:

It is hard for me to empathize with adults with difficulties that I do not understand or difficulties that I would’ve avoided entirely.

I have difficulty putting myself in another person’s shoes. Rather than attempting to understand the person, I envision myself within their context and point out what I would’ve done instead.

I have no additions this year, though it was suggested – somewhat in jest – that my lack of coffee and alcohol intake is a problem.

With all of that, I present:

Matthew Dicks’s List of Shortcomings and Flaws – 2023

1. I have a limited, albeit expanding palate (though I’d like to stress that my limited palate is not by choice).

2. It is hard for me to empathize with adults with difficulties that I do not understand or difficulties that I would’ve avoided entirely.

3. I have difficulty putting myself in another person’s shoes. Rather than attempting to understand the person, I envision myself within their context and point out what I would’ve done instead.

4. I do many things for the sake of spite.

5. I become angry and petulant when told what to wear.

6. Bees kill me dead.

7. I become sullen and inconsolable when the New England Patriots lose a football game that they should’ve won.

8. I lack adequate empathy for adults who are not resourceful or are easily overwhelmed.

9. I am unable to make the simplest of household or automobile repairs.

10. I eat ice cream too quickly.

11. I am uncomfortable and ineffective at haggling for a better price.

12. I am exceptionally hard on myself when I fail to reach a goal or meet a deadline that strikes me as reasonable.

13. I drink too much Diet Coke.

14. My dislike for ineffective, inefficient, or poorly planned meetings causes me to be unproductive, inattentive, and obstructionist at times.

15. Disorganization and clutter negatively impact my mood, particularly when I cannot control the clutter myself

16. I am overly critical of my fellow storytellers, applying my own rules and standards to their performances.

17. I lack patience when it comes to assisting people with technology.

18. I don’t spend enough time with my best friend.

19. I have a difficult time respecting or celebrating someone’s accomplishments if economic privilege, nepotism, or legacy assisted in their success in some way.

20. I believe that there are right and wrong ways of parenting.

21. I love saying, “I told you so” so freaking much.

22. My blog entries contain far too many typos, despite my loathing of typos.

23. I am far too confrontational in moments when it would be safer and wiser to avoid the confrontation entirely.

Charlie is obsessed with setback

While on vacation in San Fransisco, I taught Charlie how to play setback.

Also known as pitch or high-low-jack.

Not surprisingly, he took to the game as quickly as he took to poker and chess. His strategic mind understood the game immediately. He was playing well almost from the start.

He wanted to play it constantly. All the time. He could not get enough.

I was thrilled.

Also, sometimes you can have too much of a good thing.

This guy is a jerk

Kansas resident Lee Wilson planted 80 acres of sunflowers as a 50th-anniversary gift for his wife.

A total of 1.2 million sunflowers.

He did all of this without his wife’s knowledge, making it a surprise.

“What’s a guy get his gal for the 50th?” Wilson said. “And so I put a lot of thought into it, and she always liked sunflowers. And I thought, ‘This is the year to plant sunflowers,’ so I planted her 80 acres of sunflowers.”

“It made me feel very special,” said wife Renee Wilson. “It couldn’t have been a more perfect anniversary gift than a field of sunflowers.”

When I read this story, I had exactly one thought:

What a jerk.

Husbands like me are trying like hell to impress our wives, and then this jerk comes along and plants more than a million sunflowers for his wife.

Way to ruin it for the rest of us, Lee.