Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 645

Vampire bats and me

Vampire bats are believed to be the only species of bats in the world to adopt another young bat if something happens to the bat's mother.  They share a strong bond with members of the colony even though they may not be genetically related, which is believed to be why they are the only bats and one of the only animals to possess this adoption characteristic.

Vampire bats cannot live more than two days without food, and so when a bat of any age cannot find food, a member of the colony will share food with the needy bat in what naturalists have cited as one of the only examples of reciprocal altruism in nature. 

It's not uncommon to find animals helping one another, but in almost all circumstances, these animals are genetically related.  As a result, assisting in the survival of a sibling or cousin serves to preserve one's own genetic material, which makes the survival of a relative of primary importance to any organism. 

This is what makes the vampire bat's willingness to help non-related members of the colony so unique. 

In fact, it's this preservation and promotion of genetic material that scientists have used use to explain the development of human familial bonds. 

Even though you may not like your brother very much, and even though he may have tormented you for most of your life and driven his car through the window of the local liquor store last week, you are still more likely to assist him in times of need rather than a stranger or even a close friend because your brother shares a large portion of your genetic makeup, and to assist in his survival helps to promote the advancement of your own genetic material.

I know this sort of debases the idea of unconditional love that family members share, but just think of it as unconditional love with a unconscious, genetic underpinning.

You still love your idiot brother.  Now you have a reason why. 

This is why I like vampire bats so much.  Coming from a less-than-functional family and having lived on my own without an ounce of family assistance since the age of seventeen, I have come to depend on friends in place of family, and I have come to value these relationships at least as much as the relationships I have with family, and in most cases, much more.

Like vampire bats, I have rejected the notion that similarities in genetic material should serve as the basis for relationships.  Relatives receive no preferential treatment from me.  If I am related to you but do not like you, do not come knocking on my door at the time of the apocalypse. 

If I am going to have to struggle to survive in a lawless world, I'd prefer to do it with people I actually like and respect rather than those who I am simply attached to through blood and marriage. 

Of course, the fact that it's the bad-ass, bloodsucking vampire bat that shares this belief with me is also important.

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Had bunnies or chinchillas or sparrows embraced friendship over family, I may have been decidedly less enthusiastic about our commonality. 

Snob magazine

When I heard that Snob magazine was hitting newsstands in December, I was thrilled. 

What better way to tell a person that he or she is an unlikeable, unjustifiable elitist than by sending them a subscription to Snob Magazine?

I instantly had two or three recipients in mind. 

Of course, the one caveat would be that the I could not send the magazine anonymously.  The first issue of the magazine would need to be accompanied by a card clearly indicating that I was the sender. 

To hide behind the mask of anonymity in a case like this would be cowardly and despicable. 

Years ago one of my friends had a book on manners and etiquette sent to his house anonymously as a means of sending him the message that someone in his life did not think him very polite.

Thankfully, the  idiot sender left the receipt inside the book, and since he had paid with a credit card, his name was printed alongside the price of the book, thus allowing my friend to confront his attacker face-to-face.

This should be the fate of every coward who uses anonymity when attacking another person.   

While attaching a calling card to the first issue of the magazine would make the prank slightly less palatable, I would still do it in at least one case.

It would be too apropos to pass up. 

Then I discovered that Snob is a Russian language magazine. 

It almost makes me want to find a Russian speaking friend, snob or otherwise. 

The idea is just too good to pass up. 

Post-holiday detritus

The Christmas tree is still up in our house.  For a man who likes to tear that thing down the day after Christmas, this has been an epically long time to keep it standing. 

The fact that we bought the tree a week before Christmas, left it in the driveway for five days, and decorated it on Christmas Eve have played a role in it's ongoing presence in our lives, but its days are numbered.

My furious attempt to complete my manuscript has also kept my attention turned elsewhere.    

It was a terrific holiday season for our family year.  Lots of time spend with friends and family and a productive vacation. 

That's how I judge a vacation.  I base its success on the level of productivity achieved. 

Sad.  I know. 

When I returned to work yesterday morning, I was reminded of one of our favorite holiday moments by the many parents, teachers and students who had seen us on television over the break.

That's right.  Our daughter made the 6:00 news. 

All thanks to Santa Claus.     

Last year's visit to Santa had resulted in tears, but at the last second, after my wife had coaxed the photographer into about a dozen extra shots, I told her to wink at our Clara, which resulted in this brief but memorable smile:

This year Clara was excited to see Santa and was quite happy despite the hour long wait in line.  She played with other children and talked about how she was going to ask Santa for "Presents!"

But a second after being placed on Santa's lap, her mood changed considerably.

Of course, it was at that moment that the television crew arrived and asked to film the experience. 

Clara's tears managed to land her on the news, her first moment on television.  So it wasn't all bad. 

 

Boddah and Budo

Kurt Cobain's suicide letter was addressed to his imaginary friend, Boddah. 

MEMOIRS OF AN IMAGINARY FRIEND, the book that I was supposed to finish last week but will instead finish this week, centers on an imaginary friend named Budo, whose name was borrowed from the actual imaginary friend of twin boys who I know.

This is a creepy coincidence.

A suicide letter to an imaginary friend is even creepier. 

Shes got rhythm but decidedly less pitch

I occasionally like to brag about my little girl here.  I hope you don't mind. 

It's not the best rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, but it ain't bad.

And it's followed by a demand for applause, a refusal to sing the ABC's, a request for extraction, and a declaration of completion.

It's amazing how much a kid can learn in just two years. 

Recent quotes, as selected by a reader

There is nothing better than hearing from a reader who follows my thoughts and goals more closely than myself. 

This week I received an email from a reader who informed me that she had been collecting some recent quotes on the blog for use in my pursuit to get published in Bartlett's Familiar Quotations, a goal that I had written about last year and then forgotten. 

So nice to have others keeping you on track. 

Her suggestions include:

1.  Brevity is the sou

2.  Lost potential is difficult to measure and convenient to ignore.

3.  I wrote term papers as a means of flirting with girls.

4.  In my most treasured friendships, there is little room for hurt feelings.

5.  Ambiguity in the possible death of a character is an act of cowardice on the writer's part.

6.  I spend many of my evenings struggling to stay alive.  

7.  Don't let anyone fool you.  Death is hardest on the dead.

8.  Passive-aggressive, indirect, and anonymous are three of my least favorite qualities in any form of communication.

Add this to a list that I posted in March of last year:

1.  Nothing convinces me about the stupidity of human beings more than driving in the vicinity of the mall on a Saturday.

2.  I am more impressed with the quality of a person's questions than with the quality of their answers.

3.  It is all about me, but you're welcome to occupy space.

4.  Spock said that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, but what if the many are all incredibly stupid?

5,  You can determine the effectiveness of a teacher by the frequency by which you can enter the classroom and speak to the teacher without grinding learning to a halt.

6.  If you are not delegating enough, you are not lazy enough.

If you have strong feeling in terms of any of these quotations, please let me know.

And if you know anyone working for Bartlett's, even better.

Probably needed a second opinion

Elysha and I ate at a restaurant in Massachusetts today that had a fourteen page menu. 

To assist us with the dissection and dissemination of this tome, the menu began with a table of contents, entitled the Menu Navigator.

It would appear that someone was taking themselves rather seriously when designing this menu.

New Years Resolutions: 2011

In keeping with tradition, here are my New Year's resolutions for 2010.

I've decided to eliminate some items from last year's list because they have become so routine that they do not warrant resolution status anymore.  Eating oatmeal three times a week, for example, falls into this category.  Previous resolutions-turned-habit include writing for at least two hours a day and flossing every day.

Resolutions work.

So here they are.  Twenty-one in all.  Five more than last year.

I'll admit it's getting a little unwieldy.  

1.  Lose 23 pounds, bringing me down to my high school track and field weight.  

I know this may seem unrealistic, but I lost almost 30 pounds two years ago and have managed to keep all but 5 pounds off, so another 23 seems perfectly reasonable. 

2.  Do at least 50 push-ups and 50 sit-ups a day.

This one should be easy, since I do this 3-4 times a week already.  My only  exceptions in 2011 will be days when I am sick (I am rarely sick)and days when I am already doing weight training at the gym.

3.  Practice the flute for at least an hour a week.

In high school, I played the flute, the bassoon and the drums.  I purchased a flute a few years ago with the hope of playing again and have yet to practice enough to play well.  I want to begin that process this year.  

4.  Find a wine that I can drink every night or so. 

Research has shown that a person who drinks a glass of wine a day lives longer than those who abstain from alcohol altogether.  Being an abstainer, I find this  is annoying, since for years I thought I was doing the wise thing. 

Not enjoying the taste of alcohol anymore, I find this doubly annoying. 

This year I want to find a wine that I can enjoy enough to drink a glass every night.

At last night's New Year's Eve party I began my quest, managing to find a wine that I did not love but was at least palatable. 

A great start, I thought.   

Naturally, it is a wine no longer made.

    

5.  Complete my fifth novel. 

The subject is not yet determined (and I still need to put the finishing touches on MEMOIRS OF AN IMAGINARY FRIEND), but I have several ideas from which to choose.

6.  Complete and submit one children's book to my agent.

I have many ideas for children's books, some already written in rough draft form.  My agent has said that she is more than willing to pass a manuscript onto one of the children's literature agents who she knows, and form there, who knows?

7.  Complete the book proposal for the non-fiction collaborative project that I began last year.

I'd prefer not to go into details on this project yet, but it is an idea that I have had for almost twenty years, and in 2010 I found the right collaborator to make it happen.    

8.  Complete an outline for my memoir

I'm much too young to write my memoir, but when I am ready, I want to have a list of events and life experiences ready to go.  I began this outline in 2010 on my iPhone and would like to complete it this year. 

9.  Convince my sister to write on http://107federalstreet.blogspot.com at least once a week and do the same myself.

The information that my steel-trap-minded sister can provide will be invaluable in the memoir process.  Not to mention I love reading my sister's stories from our childhood.  She remembered EVERYTHING.  I set up a blog in 2010 to capture these stories and share some back-and-forth exchanges, and though my sister has agreed to write with me, she has yet to fully commit to the project. 

10.  Drink at least four glasses of water every day.

This resolution is actually designed to induce me to drink less soda.  But rather than setting limits on my soda, I am instead requiring myself to drink four glasses of water instead in hopes that this will automatically curtail my Diet Coke consumption. 

I do much better with requirements than limitations.

My wife recently summed up the essence of my character by saying, "Matt doesn't like to be told what to do." 

That holds true even when I am telling myself what to do.  

11.  Complete at least one of the three classes required for me to teach English on the high school level.

The day may come when I want a change of scenery in terms of my teaching.  Since I already have an English degree and an elementary teaching degree, I am only required to complete three more classes to be certified to teach at the high school level, and one of those is Composition, which I suspect I will do well in without trying.  I'd love to complete all three classes in 2011, but one is a realistic goal.  

12.  Try liver.

A failure from last year, this should be easily achieved in 2011 (though I'm sure I said this last year as well).

13.  Publish an Op-Ed in a national newspaper.

A failed resolution from last year. 

14.  Participate in The Moth as a storyteller, at a live show or on their radio broadcast.

A failed resolution from last year.

15. See our rock opera (The Clowns) performed on stage as a full production or in a dramatic reading format.

16.  Organize my basement.

A failed resolution from last year, though significant progress was made.

17.  Land at least one paying client for my fledgling life coach business.

A failed resolution from last year.

18. Rid Elysha and myself of all education debt before the end of the year.

A failed resolution from last year.  And the year before.

19. Replace the twelve ancient windows on the first and second floor of the house with more energy efficient ones.

A failed resolution from last year.

20. Make one mortgage payment from poker profits.

A failed resolution from last year, though I came close to achieving this goal.

21. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog on the first day of every month.

As always, I reserve the right to add to this list during the first seven days of 2011. 

After that, the list is locked.

Resolution update: 2010 in review

2010 is about to become a thing of the past, and as such, it is time to review my successes and failures from the previous year. 

It's wasn't my best showing by resolution standards.  I successfully completed 7 of my 16 resolutions and made considerable progress on two others.

Not great.

Here are the final results of each resolution, some of which will most assuredly make a repeat appearance on my 2011 list:

1.  Lose seventeen more pounds, bringing my weight down to 185 pounds, which was my high school pole vaulting weight.

I added a total of five pounds to my weight since January of 2010.  Terrible.   

2.  Complete CHICKEN SHACK by April 15.

Not only did I finish CHICKEN SHACK, but I am nearly finished MEMOIRS OF A IMAGINARY FRIEND, which my brilliant agent has already sold rights to in six different countries. 

CHICKEN SHACK has yet to be sold, but with luck (and a little revision), it will end up being my third book written and fourth book published. 

3.  Eat three servings of oatmeal a week in order to reduce my cholesterol.

I'm going to call this a success.  Though there were weeks in which I ate less than three bowls of oatmeal, those were few and far between and were far outpaced by the weeks in which I ate decidedly more than three bowls.  I won't know if my cholesterol is actually lower as a result until my physical late next year, but the goal of eating oatmeal was achieved.  More importantly, eating oatmeal has become a routine that I will continue in 2011. 

4.  Try liver.

I failed to eat liver in 2010.  The easiest of my sixteen resolutions went undone. 

5.  Publish an Op-Ed in a national newspaper.

I failed to publish an Op-Ed in any newspaper in 2010.  I attempted to publish one piece in four separate papers and was rejected each time. 

6.  Participate in The Moth as a storyteller, at a live show or on their radio broadcast.

I pitched one story for The Moth's radio broadcast and was rejected.  I attended one live Moth event, but it was a championship slam, so I did not have the opportunity to participate.  Another failure.    

7.  Complete the rock opera.

While we continue to tweak the rock opera, it is complete.  My partner and I listened to it last night, in fact, and took some notes on some possible revisions.  We hope to see a staged reading and/or actual performance in 2011 at one of our local theaters.  

8.  Read at least six novels that were published in 2010.

I finished reading fifteen novels published in 2010 and am in the midst of reading two more.  A rousing success. 

9.  Organize my basement.

Work on the basement is incomplete.  My hopes of completing it during my December vacation evaporated with the deadline for my new book.  

10.  Learn to use Dreamweaver with reasonable skill.

Success!  I am able to edit my webpage at will using this software.   

11.  Land at least one paying client for my fledgling life coach business.

Not a single paying client in 2010 despite the glowing recommendations of my two pro-bono clients.

12. Go to at least twelve movies this year, continuing to debunk the myth that the parents of newborns are no longer able to go out to the movies.

I finished the year with exactly 12 movies, and that brings my two year total to 29.  Almost thirty movies seen in a theater or at a drive-in since the birth of my daughter.  Myth officially debunked. 

13. Rid Elysha and myself of all education debt before the end of the year.

Incomplete.  With the foreign sales already made for the new book, it's likely that 2011 will be the year that Elysha and I become debt-free, but this year was a failure in this regard.    

14. Replace the twelve ancient windows on the first and second floor of the house with more energy efficient ones.

Also incomplete due to lack of funding. 

15. Make one mortgage payment from poker profits.

With a last minute surge in poker profits (from an especially profitable cash game last week), I came ever so close to this goal, falling about 22% shy of the mark.  A failure, but one that I feel good about considered how little poker I played in 2010 in favor of writing.  

16. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog on the first day of every month.

I missed one month in 2010 but am willing to call this a success. 

Three very different films

I watched three movies over the course of the last two days.  Here is my brief summation of each film:

Tron Legacy:  Dumb and fun.  Kind of like the girl you are willing to date but never get serious with.

The Social Network: You leave the theater wondering if Zuckerberg has Asperger's Syndrome or is simply a jerk (the last line of the film seems to imply the latter, but it was a stinker of a last line and I remain unconvinced).  You also find yourself wishing that real life dialogue was as bristling and witty as Aaron Sorkin envisions.  But that happens with every Sorkin script. 

The King's Speech:  The Karate Kid meets speech therapy.  I am fairly certain that the real King George VI was not this funny nor this pathetic. 

For the record, I thought The Social Network and The King's Speech were outstanding, and Tron Legacy was a suitable afternoon diversion.