Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 636

Improving Ice Road Truckers

Ice Road Truckers would have been a much better show if just one truck had crashed through the ice just once. 

Just one catastrophic accident and I would have been hooked. 

Instead, all I got was lots of talk about the dangers of the ice and the hazards of the job, but not even one uneventful fender-bender.

All it amounted to was one great big tease. 

I watched six episodes and was done. 

It was like watching a NASCAR race without a single multi-car accident.

Or attending a hockey game and not seeing a fight.

Or watching John Boehner deliver speak in public without crying.

Slash gets picky at the wrong time

Guns N' Roses' guitarist Slash refuses to allow the band's music to be used on Glee because he thinks the show is horrible.

He went on the record with Rolling Stone magazine saying, "Glee is worse than Grease and Grease is bad enough. I look at Grease now and think, 'Between High School Musical and Glee, Grease was a work of art!'"

And yet he decided that this year's Super Bowl halftime show was worthy of his presence? 

And he thought it would be a great idea if Fergie attempted an Axl Rose impression while hollering the lyrics to Guns N' Roses classic Sweet Child o' Mine?

At least Glee is a comedy.  It's not supposed to be taken seriously. 

This year's halftime show was more like a tragic comedy. 

Even my ten-year old students hated it.

Good call, Slash. 

Goodbye Apple?

My next phone may not be an iPhone 4. 

I like Homers version better

I have nothing against sampling, but when you rip off a cartoon character, that's pretty weak.

Bless you

I write to my daughter everyday, and have done so since we first found out that Elysha was pregnant.  I post everything alongside photos and videos on a blog that she will be able to read someday. 

Today I wrote a something that I thought I would share here. 

It's the kind of post that makes me wonder what the hell the 28-year old version of my daughter will someday think.

______________________________________

I just sneezed, little one. 

You said, "Daddy, bless you."

First time I ever heard you say this. 

So cute. 

Of course, I have a small problem with the whole Bless you formality, and while I am more than willing to teach you to say it as a matter of social convention, I hope to someday have a more intellectual discussion with you on the matter of offering blessings to those who you presume to possess spiritual or supernatural beliefs. 

I almost never say Bless you, replacing this nicety with a different but equally kind compliment.

For example, my students sneezes. 

Not wanting to presume that my student possesses an applicable belief system, I say something like, "I loved your effort today" or "You answered those fraction problems brilliantly."

A friend sneezes. 

I say something like, "I'd say "Bless you" but I don't know if you believe in God or the superstitious origins behind the Bless you, and who am I to offer a blessing anyway?  I'm hardly qualified for such a thing.  So I'll just tell you that you that I think that tee shot on the fourth hole was great and leave it at that."

Saying Bless you will probably not offended a single person in the whole entire world, little one, but it still seems wrong to me, and therefore I avoid it whenever possible.  You may not choose to institute my Bless you ban when you get older, but what I'd at least like for you to learn is tolerance for the nonconformist. 

Mommy, for example, has no problem with saying "Bless you" even though she understands my intellectual argument against it.  For her, and for most people (and perhaps all people), it is not something worth her time.  Bless you is a nice thing to say when someone sneezes, and to say something like, "Sorry, I don't say Bless you but that's a great pair of shoes you're wearing!" admittedly runs the risk of making you look like a lunatic.

Daddy is willing to run that risk.  Most reasonable people are not.

But Mommy does not scoff at my position.  She does not deride it or attempt to change it.  She does not think less of me because of it.  She accepts me and my idiosyncrasies (and intellectual acuity) and I love her for it.

This is why Mommy had a friend named Chainsaw in high school.  This is why Mommy has more friends than just about anyone I know, even though she is miserable at correspondence.  She does not enjoy talking on the phone, rarely listens to voicemails, never listens to messages on the answering machine, yet everyone still loves her.  She's willing to accept just about everyone.  Even your occasionally crazy Daddy.  Nanni and Gramps laugh at the wide variety of friends who Mommy brought home for dinner over the years, and it's one of the reasons I love her so much.

Her acceptance for all people and the friendship and love that she receives in return is a blessing in our lives that you must never underestimate.   

So I'm hoping that someday you might join the Bless you ban, maybe just so that I don't have to stand alone anymore, but also because I think it's a valid and reasonable position to hold.  I'd sincerely like to replace Bless you with a more meaningful and appropriate response, and though it's unlikely to happen, every movement begins with one person.

I am currently in a movement of one.  Maybe someday you will double that number.

But if you are willing to accept me as Mommy has, that will be good enough.   

Or perhaps you could simply use the alternative to Bless you, which is Gesundheit, which is a German and Yiddish word for Health.

Nothing wrong with wishing someone health regardless of their religious or spiritual belief. 

I don't use Gesundeit unless I am in a hurry or dealing with a complete stranger.

It's not as fun as offering a random compliment and opening the door to a little proselytizing.  

A few random quandaries

1. How the hell did oak tag get its name?

2.  Why is it a travesty to chop down a two hundred year old tree, but you can hack down a ten year old tree without batting an eye? 

3. Why doesn't Jesus ever appears Middle Eastern in any of the historical or religious images that I see of him?  At best he appears well-tanned.  Like a hippy from Boca Raton.  He was Middle Eastern. 

Right?

King Phillip was the best we could do?

Elysha and I were watching Parks and Rec on Thursday night. 

For those of you who might not know, Parks and Rec is a sitcom starring Amy Poehler that centers on the parks and recreation department in the fictional town of Pawnee, Indiana.

It's an excellent television program. 

Elysha went to school with one of the show's creators and last week's director, Michael Schur (Schur also writes for and plays Mose Schrute on The Office).  She had heard that there would be a reference to the middle school that she and Schur attended on the show Thursday night. 

And she was right.  There was a mention.  King Philip Middle School was used as Pawnee's fictional middle school.  This also happens to be one of the middle schools in the district we now teach.

See the problem?

King Philip Middle School was named after King Philip, which is the English mispronunciation-bastardization of the Wampanoag tribal chief Metacomet, who led a war against the Puritans from 1675-1676.  Proportionate to the colonial and Native American populations at the time, it was one of the bloodiest and costliest wars in the history of North America.  More than half of New England's ninety towns were assaulted by Native American warriors, and a tenth of all Puritans were killed.

Yet for some reason, three schools have named themselves in honor of this Native American chief and have used the English version of his name rather than the guy's actual name while doing so. 

This seems stupid enough, especially considering there is scant historical record as it related to King Philip.  He led a Native American tribe, fought Puritan expansion, and died at the hands of another Native American while hiding out in the swamps of Rhode Island.  I guess he could have been a great man, but who knows? 

Maybe he was lousy leader.  Maybe he was a jerk. 

After all, he only ascended to the role of chief after his brother died.  It wasn't like anyone elected the guy to office.  The Wampanoag chose their leaders just like the English chose kings.  

He also failed to handle the conflict diplomatically and was outmaneuvered by several other Native American tribes which forged alliances with the English in order to undermine Wampanoag power in the region.   

Weren't there more verifiably worthy people to consider when naming a middle school?     

And if you are going to use a guy you know little about, why not at least use his actual name instead of some foreign-tongue ruination?

But none of this bothered me when watching Parks and Rec on Thursday night.  I didn't learn about King Philip until later. 

The problem:  Parks and Rec is set in Pawnee, Indiana. 

Indiana. 

Why would any school in Indiana be named after a Native American leader who led a war against the Puritans of New England?

See what I mean. 

I'll give you a moment to let this revelation sink in. 

As I said, there are three schools in this country named after King Philip. 

Two are in Massachusetts.  It is a school district comprised of of middle and a high school which both bear King Philip's name (as does the district itself). 

This is the district's logo, which may or may not be an accurate representation of the seventeenth century Native American chief.  

[image error] 

I'm guessing not.

The other is Elysha's and Michael Schur's former middle school (and now defunct elementary school) in Connecticut.

See what I mean? 

A total of three schools named after King Philip, and all are in New England, where King Philip at least has some relevance, albeit questionable at best.  

The people of the state of Indiana would have no reason to name a school after King Philip.  

Schur's decision to use his former middle school name in the show probably doesn't quality as an anachronism, but it's not the best name for an Indiana school, and any lunatic-obsessive-nerd like me surely noticed the problem on Thursday night. 

I brought the problem to the attention of Elysha, who was inexplicably yet decidedly unimpressed.  When I tried to explain it to her again, thinking she misunderstood the first time, she was even less receptive and not so kind. 

Apparently the devil is not in the details for everyone like it is for me. 

So many misconceptions

No, Clara.  The cat does not need need his nose wiped.  I don't even think he likes it wiped.  And no, a hamper is not a trash can.

But nice try all around, little one.

Locker room questions that require answers. Please.

There are three televisions in the men's locker room at my gym.  They are  tuned to ESPN and CNBC at all times without exception. 

I assume that there are televisions in the women's locker room, too. 

If so, what stations are those televisions tuned to?

I really want to know. 

The men's room has three urinals and three stalls.  Six toileting facilities in all.  Did the designers of the gym make room for at least six stalls in the woman's locker room, or is there in an inequity of toilets between the locker rooms? 

The men's locker room has two hair dryers with adjacent mirrors.  I have never seen either hair dryer being used.  Does the women's locker room have only two hair dryers as well, and if so, is there ever been a line for the hair dryers? 

Is the percentage of men and women who shower after a workout the same?  Showering (and the minutia that follows) tends to be a more complicated and involved process for a woman than a man.  Does this mean that women are more likely to go home to shower following a workout, in order to have access to their various gels and tonics and hair sculpting devices?  And if so, do locker room designers factor in this difference in locker room usage when deciding upon the number of shower stalls and overall square footage of the space?

Are the shower stall doors made of clear glass, as they are in the men's room, or are the women's glass doors frosted?  In my high school, boys showered in one large room with two dozen spigots spaced along the walls, whereas the girl's had individual shower stalls with curtains.  Is this design aesthetic mimicked in adult locker rooms as well?

It should be noted that I never actually saw the interior of the girl's locker room in my high school (though I still want to).  My girlfriend, Laura, described it in great detail after much prodding on my part. 

Does the amount of flesh that a man and woman can acceptably expose in a public space change locker room behavior?

While there are plenty of men (and probably women) who have no qualms about walking around the locker room completely naked, many men keep a towel wrapped around their waist for the majority of the time, either in deference to discretion or for the benefit of their locker room compatriots.

Are similarly discreet women less likely to shower in the locker room because of the increased amount of flesh that must be kept covered in order to remain discreet?

And is there a difference between a woman's naked top versus naked bottom?  Are woman more likely to expose their breasts in a  locker room than their genitals?  Does one half require less discretion than another?    

Yes, I'm almost forty years old and I still want to peek into the girl's locker room.   

Locker room questions that require answers. Please.

There are three televisions in the men's locker room at my gym.  They are  tuned to ESPN and CNBC at all times without exception. 

I assume that there are televisions in the women's locker room, too. 

If so, what stations are those televisions tuned to?

I really want to know. 

The men's room has three urinals and three stalls.  Six toileting facilities in all.  Did the designers of the gym make room for at least six stalls in the woman's locker room, or is there in an inequity of toilets between the locker rooms? 

The men's locker room has two hair dryers with adjacent mirrors.  I have never seen either hair dryer being used.  Does the women's locker room have only two hair dryers as well, and if so, is there ever been a line for the hair dryers? 

Is the percentage of men and women who shower after a workout the same?  Showering (and the minutia that follows) tends to be a more complicated and involved process for a woman than a man.  Does this mean that women are more likely to go home to shower following a workout, in order to have access to their various gels and tonics and hair sculpting devices?  And if so, do locker room designers factor in this difference in locker room usage when deciding upon the number of shower stalls and overall square footage of the space?

Are the shower stall doors made of clear glass, as they are in the men's room, or are the women's glass doors frosted?  In my high school, boys showered in one large room with two dozen spigots spaced along the walls, whereas the girl's had individual shower stalls with curtains.  Is this design aesthetic mimicked in adult locker rooms as well?

It should be noted that I never actually saw the interior of the girl's locker room in my high school (though I still want to).  My girlfriend, Laura, described it in great detail after much prodding on my part. 

Does the amount of flesh that a man and woman can acceptable expose in a public space change locker room behavior?

While there are plenty of men (and probably women) who have no qualms about walking around the locker room completely naked, many men keep a towel wrapped around their waist for the majority of the time, either in deference to discretion or for the benefit of their locker room compatriots.

Are similarly discreet women less likely to shower in the locker room because of the increased amount of flesh that must be kept covered in order to remain discreet?

And is there a difference between a woman's naked top versus naked bottom?  Are woman more likely to expose their breasts in a  locker room than their genitals?  Does one half require less discretion than another?    

Yes, I'm almost forty years old and I still want to peek into the girl's locker room.