Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 62

36 Lessons Learned While Parenting

My daughter celebrated her fifteenth birthday yesterday – January 25.

Happy birthday, Clara.

When she turned two years old, I posted a list of lessons learned from two years of parenting.

I updated that list when she turned five. Then again, when she turned ten.

Five years after that, I update it again.

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1. The parent who assumes the tougher position regarding expectations and discipline is almost always correct.

2. Writing to or about your child often (even daily) helps you better appreciate the moments with your little one and prevents you from wondering how and why time flies by so quickly because it doesn’t and won’t unless you allow it to.

3. Training your child to fall asleep on their own and sleep through the night takes about four weeks if done with tenacity, an iron will, and absolute adherence to the advice of experts. Of course, there are exceptions to this, but they are few and far between. Parents must also possess the grudging acceptance that thunderstorms, nightmares, and illness will upset the apple cart from time to time.

4. You cannot take too many photographs of your children.

5. Failure to follow through with warnings and consequences even once is the death knell of effective parenting. Everything begins with you sticking to your word every time. Nothing is more important when it comes to discipline.

6. Libraries are the greatest child-friendly, zero-cost entertainment options on the planet.

7. Almost all of your child’s annoying behaviors have a short shelf life. They will invariably be replaced by a different annoying behavior, but don’t become consumed with the idea that any one behavior will last forever.

8. Reading to your child every night is one of the best things you can do. Failure to do so is inexcusable.

9. Car seats suck. They may be the worst part of parenting.

10. Parents who are blessed with children who eat almost anything and claim that they are responsible for this behavior should be immediately ostracized by friends and family. Possibly forever.

11. Babysitters who care for your children and keep your home clean should be treasured like gold.

12. It’s important to remember that there was a time in human history – not that long ago – when foods like bananas, avocados, and even fish were unavailable to vast areas of the world on a daily basis, yet children still grew up healthy and strong. Variety is lovely but not as important as we sometimes think. Don’t sweat it.

13. Pick up your children as often as possible, particularly when they become too heavy to do so comfortably. The day will come when you can no longer pick them up, and you will regret all the times they asked, and you said no.

14. Battles over a child’s choice of clothing are some of the dumbest. As long as your child is adhering to basic codes of decency and cleanliness, stay out of the wardrobe wars.

15. Changing a diaper is not a big deal and is never worthy of whines or complaints.

16. Experienced parents always know which toys and television shows are best. Ask them.

17. If your child refuses to wear a hat, coat, or gloves, allow them to experience the cold. Natural consequences often teach the most valuable lessons.

18. Unsolicited advice from experienced parents should always be received with appreciation. It should not be viewed as a criticism or indictment of your parenting skills and can be easily ignored if need be.

19. Consignment shops are some of the best places to find children’s clothing and toys unless you are a pretentious snob.

20. Most unhappy parents possessed unrealistic or misguided expectations about parenthood before their child was ever born.

21. Don’t become emotionally involved in your child’s poor behavior. They own their choices. Establish expectations, deliver consequences, and offer guidance and love. That is all. You rarely have anything to do with a temper tantrum or your child’s bad decision.

22. Parents seeking the most fashionable or trendy stroller, diaper bag, and similar accoutrement are often saddled with the least practical option.

23. Little boys and little girls are entirely different animals. They have almost nothing in common, and it is a miracle that they might one day marry each other.

24. Telling parents that your parenting experience has been relatively easy and especially joyous will usually annoy them. Possibly make them want to kill you. It’s often better to keep your happiness to yourself.

25. An unfortunate majority of parents in the world are not happy unless they have attempted to demoralize you with their assurances that parenting will not be easy. Ignore these doomsayers and naysayers at all costs.

26. Experienced parents who are positive, optimistic, and encouraging to the parents of newborns are difficult to come by and should be treasured when found. Positivity is a rare and precious commodity in the parenting world. Hold onto it with all of your might.

27. The ratio of happy times to difficult times in the first two years of your child’s life is about a billion to one. Many parents have a tragic tendency to forget the billion and accentuate the one.

28. It’s okay if your child doesn’t have the latest bit of technology that all of their friends have if you deem it unsafe, counter-productive, or harmful to your child in any way. Your child will easily overcome not being the coolest kid in school. It will be far more challenging to overcome technology addiction, a loss of attention span, educational backsliding, an earlier-than-appropriate introduction to adult content, and the like.

29. Choosing your child’s friends is a fool’s errand and a surefire way to create unnecessary space between you and your child.

30. A parent’s job is to help a child find their passions. It is not their job to force a passion on a child or insist that they convert their recreational approach to something as something far more professional.

31. Establishing positive, supportive lines of communication with teachers and school administrators will pay enormous dividends in the future.

32. Eat dinner – screen-free – as a family as often as possible. “No television and no phones at the dinner table” is an easy and highly beneficial rule for every family. You’re crazy not to establish it in your home.

33. The more positive adult role models you can involve in your child’s life, the better.

34. Allow your child to try as many new things as their heart desires and your wallet allows, understanding that they will discard many of these newfound interests based on their own annoying, inexplicable, seemingly illogical preferences. Allow them to experience as much of life as possible.

35. Say “I love you” to your child ten kabillion times per year. Hug them relentlessly and kiss them wherever possible.

36. Remind your child constantly, relentlessly, and unendingly that no matter what they might be experiencing in the world, they will always be safe, accepted, loved, and cherished when they arrive home.

 

Messages from readers sometimes even surprise me

There’s nothing unusual with someone:

Purchasing Storyworthy – my book on storytellingReading to the end of chapter 2Downloading The Moth appListening to the latest episode from the organization where I told my first story

That happens a lot. I know so because I’m told similar things by many of my readers. If you read Storyworthy, you’ll probably also become a fan of The Moth if you’re not already.

But I’m also sure that some of my readers listen to Moth and are disappointed by the content. I don’t think it happens very often because if you’re interested in storytelling, The Moth is one of the best places to listen to stories, but stories told on The Moth probably aren’t for everyone.

Also, not every Moth episode is equal. Perhaps the first episode listened to was a bit of a clunker, thus turning the listener off to the show entirely.

Unlikely, but it probably happens from time to time.

But it takes a very special kind of person to read through chapter two of my book, download The Moth’s app, listen to an episode, and then write to me, saying they “listened to one WOKE hour of two lesbians, one black woman ‘victim,’ and a Guantanamo sad soldier” and are deleting the app and “sticking with my own brand of storytelling.”

His own brand of storytelling? I wonder what that could be?

Stories told only by heterosexual white people who gleefully rejoice in the existence of overseas detainment facilities and the absence of due process?

While a particular segment of the American public might tragically think like this man after listening to the episode in question (which I enjoyed very much), it’s still astounding to me that he took the time to write.

Why spend even a second of your time firing off a message of racism and bigotry at me?

That takes a very special kind of person.

Probably a perpetually angry, persistently lonely, deeply ignorant person.

Probably someone whose “own brand of storytelling” is listened to by very few.

I recently told a class of Texas A&M students that if you’re making people angry from time to time, you’re probably doing something right. When you occupy a position at the tip of the spear or choose to operate in the public arena, you can often do the most damage, but you’ll also be the target of many slings and arrows, too.

I certainly receive my share of slings and arrows on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. Regardless of how insulting and unkind they may be, I always remind myself that if I’m not making people mad, I’m doing something wrong.

Still, I’m astounded when someone takes the time and effort to put their racism and bigotry into words.

Is this man expecting a reply? A spirited debate? An angry retort?

Sadly, he received none of these things. While I certainly enjoy engaging in arguments, I am also wise enough to know that in situations like these, the non-response is the best response.

Arguing over email or other forms of messaging is fruitless. It allows my opponent all the time in the world to respond, negating my advantages in knowledge, wit, and speed.

Also, if this man was hoping for or even expecting a response, each moment he fails to receive a response will sting, while I will quickly forget this entire incident and move on.

I often advise people to walk away from the fight while their opponent remains poised and anxious for a counterpunch that never comes.

If you’re lucky, they will feel ignored, slighted, and maybe even disappointed.

I hope so.

Rest in Peace, Danny Pollock

My childhood friend, Danny, passed away last week.

I last saw Danny at Yawgoog Scout Reservation two years ago, where he and I spent so many glorious summer days.

Danny and I had planned to see each other again this summer at the annual camp reunion. Instead, I’ll be thinking about my friend as I walk those trails alone.

With Danny’s death comes a flood of stories I will undoubtedly share on stages and in writing soon. Stories of ways that Danny changed my life forever. Stories of our ridiculous adventures and asinine stunts and boyhood revelry.

But here is what lingers with me most as I think about him today:

As a teenager, I spent so much time with my girlfriend, Laura, and my friend, Danny. For a time, the three of us were inseparable.

Now they’re both gone.

Laura passed away a decade ago. And now Danny is gone, too.

I’m the last of the three still alive.

It seems impossible.

When I learned of Danny’s death, my very first thought was, “I need to call Laura,” which happens more often than I could’ve ever imagined. Years after her death, I still find myself forgetting that she’s gone. I suspect it will be the same for Danny, too.

It seems like one thousand years ago and just yesterday that Laura, Danny, and I were driving the streets of Blackstone, Massachusetts, laughing and thrilling at the freedom that comes with one’s teenage years.

I could never have imagined that two of the people in that car would be gone at such a young age.

It breaks my heart.

Here’s the strange thing:

It breaks my heart today, but somehow, it also breaks the heart of that teenage boy driving around in that car, unaware of how precious and brief the lives of his friends will be.

Does that make sense? I know it sounds strange, but it’s exactly how I feel. I somehow grieve over the loss of my friends today, but I also grieve for the younger version of me, blindly, blissfully loving friends who once seemed so vibrant and invincible.

I miss my friends today.

I suspect I will miss them every day.

Bomb threats are always made by cowards

Simple but important:

A lot of judges, election workers, politicians, attorneys general, and similar public servants are receiving a great many bomb and death threats these days.

Can we all agree that people who make these kinds of threats are lowlife cowards?

I think the message needs to be loud and clear:

Anyone who anonymously threatens the safety, well-being, or life of any public official or one of their family members is a loser of the highest order. The worst of the worst. Ignorant little gremlins lacking any courage or decency.

Right?

I know this seems obvious, but the more we say these things, the more these stupid little monsters might see themselves for what they really are and stop.

Or am I being too hopeful?

 

Uncomfortable Plot Summaries

One of the best ways to construct a story is to first define the purpose and plot in its simplest form:

“I needed to find the perfect gift for my wife, then I found that perfect gift.”

“I needed to find the perfect gift for my wife, but I failed to find anything she would want.”

“I needed to find the perfect gift for my wife, but after spending years finally convincing an entire company to produce that perfect gift, I ruined the surprise just days before.”

All three of those are true stories from my life.

The last one is both unbelievable and devastating. Perhaps I’ll tell it someday.

Here is a similar deconstruction of the plots from famous films, admittedly chosen and written in the hopes of being funny rather than deeply analytical, though the principle still applies.

Feel free to add your own.

BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill

TITANIC: Passengers fail to see the potential irony in labeling a ship “unsinkable”

AVATAR: “Dances with Wolves,” except the indigenous people are blue

SUPERMAN: Alien emigrates to a planet populated by weaklings

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Peasant girl develops Stockholm Syndrome

FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF: Amoral narcissist makes the world dance for his amusement

RED DAWN: Despite shock-and-awe tactics, a superior occupying force is no match for a tenacious sect of terrorist insurgents

SPIDER-MAN: Nerd gets bitten by spider, complains about how this ruins his life for years to come

STAR WARS: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Boy is bullied by alien, kisses sister, attempts patricide

LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY: Multi-racial team of good guys fail to use superior air power to quickly destroy magic jewelry

THE BREAKFAST CLUB: High school principal leaves four juvenile delinquents unsupervised during a day of detention

TOP GUN: Grieving pilot fails to engage the enemy, then he engages the enemy

DAYS OF THUNDER: Grieving race car driver fails to drive through smoke, then he drives through smoke

CLUELESS: Stylish teen sleeps with stepbrother. No one seems to care.

JERRY MAGUIRE: Man wants to work less for the same pay. Then he makes it happen.

BIG: Boy in man’s body affects a corporate takeover and sleeps with women three times his age

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND: Aliens infect humans with OCD in order to lure and abduct them

Feel free to share some of your own.

Sabatoge productivity one stupid decision at a time

In their book, Simple Sabotage: A Modern Field Manual for Detecting and Rooting Out Everyday Behaviors That Undermine Your Workplace, Robert M. Galford and Cary Greene examine the “Simple Sabotage Field Manual,” a guide published by the OSS (the predecessor of the CIA) in 1944 to assist European spies undermine the Axis powers from within.

Galford and Greene examine eight techniques outlined in the field manual that are eerily similar to what often occurs in workplaces today.

Here are the eight tactics the OSS recommended for tripping up an Axis agency from the inside:

Insist on doing everything through channels. Never permit shortcuts to be taken to expedite decisions.Make speeches. Talk as frequently as possible and at great length. Illustrate your points with long anecdotes and accounts of personal experiences.When possible, refer all matters to committees for “further study and consideration.” Attempt to make the committees as large as possible — never less than five.Bring up irrelevant issues as frequently as possible.Haggle over precise wordings of communications, minutes, and resolutions.Refer back to a matter decided upon at the last meeting and attempt to re-open the question of the advisability of that decision.Advocate ‘caution.’ Be ‘reasonable’ and urge your fellow conferees to be ‘reasonable’ and avoid haste, which might result in embarrassment or difficulties later on.Be worried about the propriety of any decision. Raise the question of whether it lies within the jurisdiction of the group or whether it might conflict with the policy of some higher echelon.

In my nearly three decades of work in various fields, I have seen these strategies deployed with frightening regularity.

My additions to the list would include:

Run meetings and training sessions with PowerPoint decks consisting of dozens of text-filled slides. If possible, read directly from your slides.Assemble meeting agendas in reverse order of importance, thus placing the most critical item last and ensuring that the agenda cannot be cut short if the meeting is running late.At the beginning of every meeting, require grown adults to review (and, if possible, read aloud) a set of norms – a list of ways reasonable adults behave decently – thus treating your meeting attendees like poorly behaved children.Assign seats in meetings and training sessions, thus reinforcing the idea that you view your meeting attendees like poorly behaved children. Infantilizing your subordinates is a highly effective means of generating discord. Do so whenever possible.Open meetings with meaningless “get to know you” activities. Activities that include sticking post-it notes onto colleagues’ backs, tossing playground balls to one another, and scavenger hunts are especially destructive to both productivity and morale.When responding to email, use “reply all” whenever possible. Add unnecessary people to email distribution lists whenever possible.Before sending an email to subordinates, ask yourself: Could I include this relatively simple piece of information on the agenda of my next meeting, thus prolonging that meeting? If the answer is yes – and it almost always is – delete the email and add the information as an agenda item.Never allow a string of emails to end. Always reply – regardless of the finality of the last email, with anodyne phrases like “Thank you,” “Sounds good,” and “I understand.” Every additional email sent amounts to productivity loss.

Do you have any items that you would like to recommend be added to the list?

Crime is dropping. Most people don’t believe this.

The National Retail Federation has retracted an allegation that more than half of the $94.5 billion in lost merchandise in 2021 was stolen by organized retail crime rings.

Large groups of thieves who invade retail outlets and steal items for resale on the black market.

In reality, this form of organized shoplifting accounted for about 5% of total losses.

An initial claim of more than 50% turned out to be about 5%.

Ten times less than their original number.

It’s also about the same amount of organized retail theft that has always existed in America.

The result of this fraudulent number:

Increased levels of product locked behind barriersLegislation across 14 states in response to these claims, with nine states toughening punishments or creating task forces to crack down on the increased levels of theft that do not actually exist

Even worse, the retraction of the initial number was hardly publicized, leaving the impact of the initial report firmly planted in the zeitgeist.

Add to this the proliferation of cameras and the power of social media, and a single instance of organized theft in one town can suddenly become something everyone in America sees and feels.

Add to this the desire of an entire political party to falsely portray the country as overrun with crime, and without much effort, Americans can suddenly feel like their country is increasingly lawless as crime rates are actually dropping precipitously.

Shoplifting, for example, is down 7% from pre-pandemic levels.

Violent crime has dropped 8%.

Property crime fell 6.3% last year to its lowest level since 1961,

Murder plummeted in the United States in 2023 at one of the fastest rates of decline ever recorded.

In fact, every category of major crime except auto theft has declined over the past three years.

America is growing safer by the day.

Yet 92% of Republicans, 78% of independents, and 58% of Democrats believe crime is rising, the Gallup survey shows, even though the vast majority of those survey respondents haven’t experienced crime in any way except through the media.

It’s hard to change perception when so many people benefit from your faulty perception.

 

Use a microphone

If you’re ever in a public speaking situation and asked if you want to use a microphone, please say yes every time.

So often, I’ve found myself in a position to speak in public alongside others, and someone – always a man – declines the microphone with nonsense bravado.

“My voice carries well.”

“I know how to project to the back of the room.”

“I spent years in the theater. I know what I’m doing.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll make sure everyone can hear me.”

This is all very foolish.

More than 48 million Americans experience some form of hearing loss, and only about one-fifth of them have the means, willingness, or awareness to do anything to address it.

It’s also an invisible disability. Unless someone tells you that they are dealing with hearing loss, you will never know, which means that asking your audience if everyone can hear you is stupid. You’re essentially asking people to publicly acknowledge their disability, which they should never be required to do.

Also, some may not even hear your question.

This is why when asked if you want to use a microphone, say yes every single time.

I have a voice that projects well. I can shout across a playground at recess and be clearly heard by all. And unlike less experienced speakers, I am also keenly aware of my volume while I’m speaking and constantly adjust. The former sound technician for The Moth, Paul Ruest, once told me that my control over the microphone is astounding.

This is undoubtedly the result of nearly three decades spent as a wedding DJ, learning to cut through the buzz of a partially inebriated crowd in order to be heard.

It’s not a superpower. Just hard-won experience.

Still, even with a booming voice and the ability to gauge my volume well, I opt for a microphone every single time because I know that it’s likely that some percentage of my audience members are suffering from a hearing impairment, and I want to be heard by all.

You’re not strong or powerful or commanding or impressive if you don’t use a microphone.

You’re a fool.

I steal ideas

A friend told me his head is full of stories but lacks the chops to get them down on paper. He wondered aloud if someone would be willing to write them down for him and craft them into books, at which point his wife said, “You’re not a writer. You’re just source material.”

She was right.

While I wouldn’t want to ghostwrite any of his books, I’d be happy to steal anything he might have and use it in a book.

I’m always advising writers to keep their eyes open for interesting and unique moments in life that might eventually find their way into a story, which often come from other people’s ideas and stories.

The odd, quirky, or inexplicable moments always capture my eye. These ideas might sit in my decades-old “Ideas” document for months or years, waiting to find a spot in a novel, magazine column, or even a marketing campaign. But I treasure each one, waiting for the moment when I can bring them to life and spin them in my own special way.

I’m often asked by writers, readers, and business clients how I always seem to have a new idea, or even better, an idea that solves a problem. While some ideas are admittedly born from somewhere in the recesses of my brain, I think many are found via my willingness to listen carefully, ask many questions, and record what I hear.

The ideas are out there, just waiting for you to pluck them from the vine and cling to them like the precious resources they are.

Three ideas recently added to my idea document include:

Ideas #1: A student told me that her grandfather made his wife sit in the car’s backseat so the dog could sit in the front seat with him.

Idea #2: I recently met a justice of the peace who is also a used car salesman. He was passing out his dealership business cards to prospective brides and grooms, simply adding the letters JP after his name. In lieu of a brochure or pamphlet on his services, he was tearing out a one-page story from a bridal magazine on the use of justices of the peace in weddings. The article did not mention him specifically but featured a photograph of him officiating a wedding ceremony. He was scribbling his name, address, and phone number on this page, describing it as his “literature on the business.”

I could base an entire book on this guy.

Idea #3: A girl who vaguely knows my sister told her boss that my sister was dead after she was hit by a car crossing the highway on foot. The accident was real, but my sister survived the accident (barely). But the girl in question knew that a report of the accident had appeared in the local paper, listing my sister in critical condition. She simply advanced that condition from critical to expired a couple of days later and asked for two weeks of paid leave to grieve for my injured but very much alive sister.

Months later, she attempted to take more paid leave, explaining that Christmas was approaching and her grief for her lost friend was returning with the holiday season. The thought of my sister’s children celebrating without a mother, she said, was too much to bear.

Suspicious, the girl’s place of business tracked down my sister, called her, and confirmed that she was still alive, thus foiling the girl’s plan for a paid Christmas vacation and resulting in her termination.

These three ideas will likely find their way into something I write someday.

Looking for ideas?

Listen. Ask questions. Record.

Plenty of ideas exist in the world, just waiting to be found.

Inspirational speeches including an unlikely favorite

There have been many inspirational speeches throughout history.

Knute Rockne’s “One for the Gipper” speech.

The Saint Crispin’s Day speech from Shakespeare’s Henry V (which sounds surprisingly like the speech that the President gives before the final battle against the aliens on Independence Day).

Winston Churchill’s address to the House of Commons following the evacuation at Dunkirk.

Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream.”

And this. Unnamed boy’s speech upon learning to ride a bicycle. Always one of my favorites: