Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 590

We had some storm damage after all

One of these things are not like the other

My wife bought the new Sebastien Braun picture book GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS on Amazon yesterday.

 

While completing her purchase, she noticed the books that Amazon says are frequently bought along with Braun's book.

 

They are:

MICROCRAFTS by Margaret McGuire, which is described as a "step-by-step instructions for making tiny teddy bears, little ladybugs, petite porcupines, itsy-bitsy bikinis, and much, much more!  Microcrafts shows crafters how to create dozens of miniature treasures, each no larger than a spool of thread."

NEGROPEDIA: THE ASSIMILATED NEGRO'S CRASH COURSE ON THE MODERN BLACK EXPERIENCE by Patrice Evans. The product description states that "Patrice Evans is The Assimilated Negro, a hyperobservant, savagely pop-savvy instigator bent on pranking the crap out of our modern racial discourse."

Yeah.  I can see where these books might fit well with a book that's description reads like this:

"Goldilocks is walking through the woods one day when she comes across the three bears' cozy cottage. Inside she finds three delicious bowls of porridge cooling on the table. What will the bears say when they return to find that she has tasted every one? Sebastien Braun brings this much-loved traditional tale to life in a simple retelling for the very young. The second title in the Story House collection, this is the perfect introduction to a timeless classic for the very young."

The lesson: Kill mothers, fathers and children galore. But dont ever kill the dog.

I Am Legend is a post-apocalyptic science fiction film loosely based upon Richard Matheson's novel of the same name.  It stars Will Smith as one of the few survivors of a plague that has killed most of humankind and left many in a zombie/vampire-like state. 

It opened to the largest ever box office for a non-Christmas film released in December and was the  seventh highest grossing film of 2007. 

The film also sold 7 million DVD's, making it the sixth best selling DVD in 2008.  However Warner Bros. was reportedly "a little disappointed" by the film's performance in the DVD market.

And I'll tell you why sales were disappointing.

The dog.

While helping to save Will Smith's character from certain death, his dog becomes infected with the virus, and after much consternation, Smith's character is forced to put the animal down.

It is the scene that prevents me from ever watching this film again, and I suspect it's the scene that has suppressed DVD sales and has kept the film from being plastered all over the basic cable channels like so many other of Will Smith's blockbuster movies.   

It's not the violence or gore of the scene, because there is none.   

It's because no one wants to see a dog die. 

It's that simple.

Kill mothers and fathers and children galore, and people will be more than happy to watch the movie again and again. 

Smith's blockbuster Independence Day is a perfect example.  Millions of people are killed in that movie, including the President's wife, who dies tragically under the watchful eyes of her husband and daughter.

A father gives up his life while his son listens on and a best friend dies while Smith's character looks on and can do nothing.

And like I Am Legend, there is a dog in that movie, too.  Once again, it's a dog owned by Smith's character.  In fact, the two dogs look so much alike that they could be the same dog. 

Perhaps they are.     

And guess what? 

The dog in Independence Day survives.   

It appears in the final scene of the film. 

And Independence Day airs on basic cable all the time. 

Warner Bros. left a lot of money on the table when they decided to kill that dog in I Am Legend.

For a great many people, including me, that film became unwatchable the second time around.  

Convenience is a shoe shine boy and a bidet. Not an unlocked door.

I found this sign hanging on the restroom in the local Marshall's department store.

Note that the restroom contains three urinals and two stalls.  It's a large restroom.  Not a single person suite. 

And thankfully, it is unlocked for my convenience.

Unlocked for my convenience?

Someone explain this sign to me.  Please.

And don't tell me that it has something to do with department stores often requiring customers to obtain a key in order to use the restroom, because although this may be true, I still don't need a sign telling me that the restroom is unlocked.

It's one of those things that is easily determined.

More importantly, it is assumed.  The default for 99% of all public restrooms is unlocked.    

And what if the restroom was locked to prevent theft?  Would there then be a sign that reads:

Despite the inconvenience, the restroom is locked.

Probably not, even though informing me that the restroom is locked is slightly more helpful than telling me it's unlocked.

At least I wouldn't push on the door a couple extra times or assume that it is occupied.

But worst of all is the audacity in attempting to take credit for something that is standard almost everywhere except for roadside gas stations.

The restroom is unlocked for my convenience?  Does Marshalls think it's doing me some kind of favor?

Why not add:

For your convenience, the restroom is equipped with toilets and sinks and (in all probability) is stocked with toilet paper (though it would be wise to check and be sure before needing any).

Or how about adding some actual convenience to the restroom?

For your convenience, the restroom is equipped with televisions tuned to the latest sporting event as well as a shoe shine boy, a monkey with an accordion and a bidet. 

Now that might warrant a sign.

Feeling uncertain about my chest

I like the song "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train a lot.

I've been listening to it this week as part of my evening run playlist, so I've had an opportunity to pay closer attention to the lyrics. 

The second verse has left me feeling somewhat disconcerted. 

Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one track mind like me
You gave my life direction
A game show love connection, we can't deny
I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind

Untrimmed chest?

What the hell does that mean?

As a guy with a lot of hair on his chest, I can't help but wonder if there is something I'm supposed to be doing with my chest hair that I'm not.

Have I failed in the personal grooming department for all my life when it comes to chest hair?

A little help, please?

TV can be as healthy as carrots and jumping jacks

A reader pointed me to a list of 5 ways to make watching television more active. 

I was happy to see that I do three of these already:

1. Watch socially. Social support is a very large factor in overall survival. If you can watch with family and friends, you'll be able to joke, cajole, discuss, and move around more easily. 

It is rare that you will find me watching television without my wife. 

2. Use an exercise device. It can be a simple stepper or something more elaborate like an elliptical or exercycle, but you can readily move watching TV -- and still stay in place.

When I am at the gym and there is something worthy of my time, I will watch television while working out on the treadmill or elliptical.

Even better, I use the time we watch television at home to do my daily pushups, sit-ups and planks.  So it it rare that I am watching television and not exercising in some way.   

3. Don't eat while watching. Drink water or non-caffeinated drinks. People tend to not notice what they nosh while watching television, making it a further component of our obesity epidemic.

Unless I'm watching a football game, I do not eat while watching TV. 

Then there are two that I don't do:

4. Stand. There is no law that TV must be watched from a chair. You can stand, which depending on weight or gender, takes a quarter to 50% more calories than sitting; you can also pace if you like, which people commonly do with sports programs.

This sounds a little silly.  Watching TV will milling around the living room?

But I recently express a desire to purchase (or ideally be given) a standing desk, so perhaps I could somehow incorporate this into my television viewing. 

5.Talk and walk. After the program is over, go and stroll with the people with whom you watched, discussing what you saw.

This one is stupid.  All it really means is that you should walk more.  '

No kidding. 

Good news for me

Three recent studies that bode exceedingly well for me, and perhaps for you.

Study #1 

Research published in the Journal of Organizational Behavior found that people who are regularly stressed out by the office jerk are more likely to take that stress home with them — and pass it on to whoever is unfortunate enough to be cohabiting with them.

Whether or not I am the office jerk is debatable. 

I suspect that there might be at least a few previous colleagues who could think so.  

Regardless, few who know me well would disagree that I am impervious to the actions of office jerks thanks to my previous and rather unique history with them. 

Think of it this way:

If the office jerk has, at some point in the past, used the office jerk equivalent of nuclear weapons in an attempt to annihilate you, the actions of the average, everyday office jerk become meaningless and irrelevant.

Silly, even.

As in all things, perspective is everything.

I survived Armageddon.  And it's hard to top Armageddon.       

Study #2

Every hour of TV you watch after age 25 shortens your life by 21.8 minutes, says a study by researchers in Australia.

There are admittedly some problems with the methodology used in this study, and I have my doubts in terms of its findings as well.

After all, if these results are accurate, I have friends who should have been dead ten years ago. 

I might even know a few people who watch so much television that their lifespans should register in the negative numbers by now. 

But putting aside my doubts, my wife and I watching remarkably little television, probably averaging less than an hour a day.  Although even this amount is shortening my life by 22 minutes each day, I am at least well ahead of the 4-5 hours per day that the average American watches, and the 80-100 minutes of lifespan that they are sacrificing in the process.

Study #3

A new study finds that agreeable workers earn significantly lower incomes than less agreeable ones. The gap is especially wide for men.  The researchers examined "agreeableness" using self-reported survey data and found that men who measured below average on agreeableness earned about 18% more—or $9,772 more annually in their sample—than nicer guys. Ruder women, meanwhile, earned about 5% or $1,828 more than their agreeable counterparts.

I have saved the best for last, at least in terms of its application to me. 

It is in my nature to be disagreeable, and it does not take a person long to discover this about me. 

My boss refers to me as a curmudgeon. 

My mother called me The Instigator. 

A college professor, in front of the entire class, once said hat I was like a minefield when comes to class discussion.  "Eventually one of your classmates steps in the wrong place and you blow up.  You don't exactly promote discourse."

Colleagues once conducted a strategy meeting in order to plan for the likelihood that I would disagree with (and therefore be disruptive to) a new initiative.

Being disagreeable is one of my most defining attributes.    

If this study is accurate, I should be rich any day now. 

Eerily similar mindsets

Author Laurie Halse Anderson, at a recent SCBWI conference, spoke to would-be writers about what she called Attitudes You Want to Grow in Your Soul.

The title is a little touchy-feely for me. 

I might have gone with something like Attitudes Required to Stop Being a Loser or What to Remember When You Are Acting Like a Whining Baby. 

But the ideas she provides in order to grow your soul are remarkable similar to beliefs that I profess on an almost daily basis (with the exception of one).  \

She said:

24 hours in a day is more than enough.

The universe wants you to be creative.

Change equals discomfort. Discomfort won't kill you.

You have the intelligence to reclaim your lost time, but are you brave enough?

You have more control over how you spend your precious time and energy than you care to admit.

That's a good list, and it's one that people (and especially writers) need to hear.  The only one I would change would be the second:

The universe wants you to be creative. 

I would replace it with this:

Entropy exists. The universe wants to kill you and spread your matter across the widest possible distance. The clock is ticking.  Move now.

Not quite as inspirational as the other bullets, but extremely important to remember.

I am a small and insignificant person by comparison

It's important, I think, to reflect back on your accomplishments from time to time as a means of motivating yourself for future success.  It's easy to forget the hurdles you have crossed, the challenges you've overcome, and the ways in which you and your life are separate from the crowd. 

But knowing these things is important.  By reflecting back upon them and reliving these moments in our minds, we find the strength and the willingness to accomplish more. 

I was feeling pretty good about my life, feeling like I had accomplished much and overcome even more, when I read the most remarkable obituary in all of human history and realized that I have done nothing by comparison.

Nancy Wake, the White Mouse of World War II. 

One of the most remarkable people on the planet and my new hero.

Just a few of her accomplishments from the obituary (you should read the entire obituary) include:

She hid downed Allied servicemen at her home and led them over the Pyrenees to the safety of neutral Spain. She later helped organize thousands of French resistance fighters known as the Maquis, by meeting Allied arms drops, distributing weapons and training 7,000 partisans in preparation for the Normandy invasion.

As her involvement in the war deepened, Ms. Wake was trained by the British to kill with her bare hands (she delivered a fatal karate chop to a sentry at an arms factory), parachute into enemy-held territory and work a machine gun.

With her highly motivated force, Ms. Wake planned and executed a successful raid on a Gestapo garrison and an arms factory in central France in 1944.

I suddenly feel like I have a lot more to do. 

That what I have accomplished thus far is rather small and insignificant.

Damn you, Nancy Wake.

Please dont taint our trashy brand name with your douchebaggery

Abercrombie & Fitch is hardly a store that I hold in high esteem.

I could list the number of discrimination lawsuits that the company has lost in the past decade, but all you really have to know about this company is that in 2002 Abercrombie Kids sold a line of thong underwear sold for girls in pre-teen sizes that included phrases like "Eye Candy" and "Wink Wink" printed on the front.

They have also sold women's tee-shirts displaying messages such as Who needs brains when you have these?, Available for parties, and I had a nightmare I was a brunette.

Men's tee-shirts included messages such as Show the twins, Female streaking encouraged and Female Students Wanted for Sexual Research.

If you're purchasing clothing at one of these stores, you have to ask yourself what the hell you are thinking.

If you're purchasing clothing for your child from one of these stores… I don't know what to think. 

Even if you didn't know about Abercrombie and Fitch's reprehensible track record, shouldn't a poster like this, hanging in the store's window, been warning enough?

  

Nevertheless, even the most vile of institutions are capable of humor. 

On Tuesday, the clothing retailer said it would offer "substantial payment" to MTV's The Jersey Shore's cast members to stop wearing the brand on air.

"We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino's association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image. We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans," an Abercrombie & Fitch spokesperson said in a statement. "We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently waiting a response."

The extent of my knowledge about The Jersey Shore amounts to the following:

it is a reality television show on MTV.  It features a cast of materialistic, egomaniacal douchebags. People in New Jersey hate this show for giving their state a bad name.  There is guy on the show who calls himself The Situation who invaded ESPN for a day and littered my sports programing with his vile presence.  A girl from the show wrote a book that Washington Post book critic Ron Charles made fun on Twitter. No one should spend a second be watching these cretins, but lots of people spend hours watching these cretins. People like to make ridiculous excuses for wasting their precious time watching these douchebag because to admit to liking the show absence any caveat is unthinkable, even though its probably true. 

Even with this limited knowledge of the show, I find this decision by Abercrombie & Fitch to be brilliant.  Hilarious. 

And yes, a little mean as well.  Perhaps even cruel. 

But it's kind of like watching a cockroach chew on a dung beetle.

It's hard for me to have sympathy for either party.