Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 54
June 2, 2024
Hateful
A new South Dakota policy forbids the use of gender pronouns and tribal affiliations by public university faculty and staff in official correspondence.
Two University of South Dakota faculty members, Megan Red Shirt-Shaw and her husband, John Little, have long included their gender pronouns and tribal affiliations in their work email signature blocks. Both received written warnings from the university in March that doing so violated a policy adopted in December by the South Dakota Board of Regents.
That policy came only months after Republican Governor Kristi Noem – famed puppy killer and politician who lied about facing down a North Korean dictator – sent a letter to the regents that railed against “liberal ideologies” on college campuses to “remove all references to preferred pronouns in school materials,” among other things.
So they did.
Two thousand miles south, in Florida, Governor Ron DeSantis has declared it “Freedom Summer” and is only allowing bridges to be illuminated in red, white, and blue colors.
The order—which Florida Department of Transportation Secretary Jared Perdue recently shared on social media—means that bridges across the state that normally illuminate in colorful arrays of light to mark holidays or awareness events won’t be able to use any other colors from May 27 through Sept. 2.
The order prevents cities from expressing support during Gay Pride month with rainbow colors, which was the whole point of the “Freedom Summer” declaration:
No more public displays of support for things that DeSantis and his goons oppose.
The Ringling Causeway Bridge over Sarasota Bay, for example, usually lights up in rainbow colors for a week in June. During the summer, other causes are also marked, such as orange for National Gun Awareness Month and yellow for Women’s Equality Day.
Not anymore.
“As Floridians prepare for Freedom Summer, Florida’s bridges will follow suit, illuminating in red, white, and blue from Memorial Day through Labor Day!” Perdue announced. “Thanks to the leadership of Gov. Ron DeSantis, Florida continues to be the freest state in the nation.”
It’s possible that Perdue doesn’t even see the hypocrisy in declaring a place “the freest state in the nation” by limiting freedom of expression.
He might be just stupid enough not to see the ridiculousness of his statement.
Three things about these policies:
A political party once very interested in personal freedom and abhorred government interference in personal lives has limited American’s freedom of speech – not because that speech is dangerous to public safety – but because they are frightened snowflakes, ignoramuses, and bigots.Though the former remains true, this is also vile political theater designed to score points in a culture war at the expense of human dignity and personal liberty.It’s hateful. Truly hateful.Just imagine:
South Dakota politicians have outlawed the use of gender pronouns and tribal affiliation in official emails as if including such things in correspondence might somehow harm the people receiving those emails.
And Florida politicians have prevented cities from expressing support for members of the LGBTQ community because doing so might make people gay? Or offend heterosexual sensibilities?
It’s stupid and cruel and probably disingenuous, but mostly, it’s hateful. A cruel piece of political theater that thoroughly exposes the depravity of these people who trade hate for power.
June 1, 2024
Resolution update: May 2024
1. Don’t die.
I encountered a bobcat and a coyote on the golf course in May, but we all kept our distance.
2. Lose 10 pounds.
I gained two pounds in May.
Now I need to lose 12 pounds.
3. Do a targeted push-up workout at least four times per week.
Done.
4. Complete 100 sit-ups four times per week.
Done.
5. Complete three one-minute planks four times a week.
Done.
6. Cycle for at least five days every week.
Done. I missed only one day in May. I was traveling, so no bike was available, but I also rode multiple times on other days, too.
I’ve recorded 157 rides in 153 days in 2024.
7. Meet or beat the USGA’s average golfing handicap for men of 14.2.
I’ve begun recording my handicap on a new, more accurate, more official app, but I have yet to play enough golf to yield an official handicap.
It’s not going to be good.
WRITING CAREER8. Complete my eighth novel.
I continue to work on the book based on the editor’s feedback. Excellent progress. Possibly complete by the end of June.
9. Write my next Storyworthy book.
I still need to meet with my agent and editor to determine the subject of this next book.
I have a great idea, but I suspect they will want a different idea.
10. Write, edit, and revise my golf memoir.
I discussed this book with my agent last month and made a plan to proceed.
11. Write my “Advice for Kids” book.
Solid progress was made in May.
12. Write/complete at least three new picture books, including one with a female, non-white protagonist.
I’m writing children’s books about Connecticut’s infamous October 2011 snowstorm and another about the gypsy moth invasion of New England in 1981.
I have two other ideas that I am also excited about.
13. Write about my childhood in partnership with my sister, Kelli, at least twice per month.
Kelli and I spent a day together in February but forgot to discuss this topic. We still need to discuss.
14. Launch a Substack.
I’ve spoken with someone who has convinced me to launch a Substack. I’ll be doing so soon.
15. Write a new solo show.
All the work on this project is being done in my head since I’ve never written down anything I ever say onstage, so I don’t have much to show for my work, but I am working hard nonetheless. This month, I had a structural breakthrough that I’m excited about.
I’ll be debuting the show in November at TheaterWorks in Hartford.
16. Write a musical.
No progress.
17. Submit at least three Op-Ed pieces to The New York Times for consideration.
One story still in progress.
18. Write at least four letters to my father.
One letter written in 2024 so far.
19. Write 150 letters.
I wrote 12 letters in May. Recipients included current students, colleagues, friends, and two despicable politicians.
I’ve written a total of 75 letters in 2024.
20. Write to at least six authors about a book I love.
I have now identified five authors to whom I will write. No actual writing progress was made, though I sought the address for two without success. I may need to send letters to their publishers, which always makes me nervous. They may never arrive in the author’s hands.
STORYTELLING/SPEAKING CAREER
21. Perform a new solo show.
The month has been set:
TheaterWorks in Hartford in November. Dates should be finalized soon.
22. Complete the re-recording of Storyworthy For Business.
The revised course outline is nearly complete, and a production schedule is in place. This will be happening over the summer.
23. Record and produce at least two new Storyworthy courses.
I’ve recorded six webinars that will likely become courses that we sell. They have already been added to the platform for members, which might not count as a new course unless we also sell them separately.
So maybe?
24. Produce a total of six Speak Up storytelling events in 2024.
Three shows produced in 2024 so far:
“Matt and Jeni Are Unprepared” on March 2 at TheaterWorks in Hartford.“Sportsing” on March 16 at the Connecticut Museum of Culture and History“School” on May 3 at Sedgwick Middle School in West Hartford, CTWe also have the following shows scheduled for 2024:
June 11: A Speak Up – CPA Prison Arts show at The Pond House in West Hartford, CTJune 15: “Stores Sell: Storyworthy Strategies to Grow Your Business and Brand” release party at the Connecticut Museum of Culture and HistoryMore to come!
25. Submit pitches to at least three upcoming TEDx events, hoping to be accepted by one.
No progress.
I spoke at TEDxBU on April 20. It went very well.
26. Attend at least eight Moth events with the intention of telling a story.
I attended one Moth StorySLAM in May. There were 11 names in the bag, but my name failed to emerge.
Bah.
Five Moth events so far in 2024.
27. Win at least one Moth StorySLAM.
Done! I won the Boston StorySLAM. My 60th Moth StorySLAM victory!
28. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.
I competed in the Moth GrandSLAM in Boston in March and placed second.
I think I should’ve won, but I think that a lot.
I’ll be performing in a GrandSLAM in Seattle, NYC, and Washington, DC later this year.
29. Pitch “You’re a Monster, Matthew Dicks” to at least a dozen theaters and/or directors in 2024.
I pitched “You’re a Monster, Matthew Dicks” to one theater in January. I then performed the show on March 30 at the Mopco Improv Theater in Schenectady, New York. It went quite well.
More pitching is planned for this summer.
30. Produce at least 24 episodes of our podcast Speak Up Storytelling.
No progress.
31. Perform stand-up at least six times.
No progress.
32. Pitch three stories to This American Life.
One story has been pitched thus far.
33. Submit at least three pitches to Marc Maron’s WTF podcast.
No progress.
34. Send a newsletter to readers at least 50 times.
I’m still uncertain about how to handle this goal. I’m sending a lot of emails to Storyworthy members and customers now—more than 50 newsletters, for sure—but defining a newsletter versus a Storyworthy email is tricky.
HOME35. Organize the basement.
Incremental progress.
36. Clear the garage of unwanted items.
All large items are now gone. Huzzah!
Elysha’s long-forgotten classroom detritus still needs to be eliminated. It is likely a summertime job.
FAMILY/FRIENDS37. Text or call my brother or sister once per month.
Done.
38. Take at least one photo of my children every day.
Done.
39. Take at least one photo with Elysha and me each week.
Done! One photo each week with Elysha in May!
40. Plan a reunion of the Heavy Metal Playhouse.
No progress. But in a strange coincidence, a teacher in our school grew up in Attleboro, where the Heavy Metal Playhouse was located, and she is friends with the person who manages Crystal Village, where it was located.
Given how spread out my friends are today, an in-person reunion is probably impossible, but it gave me a little hope.
41. I will not comment positively or negatively about the physical appearance of any person save my wife and children to reduce the focus on physical appearance in our culture overall.
Done.
42. Surprise Elysha at least 12 times.
Two surprises are planned in April, but they will not be revealed until sometime in the future.
Two surprises in 2024 so far:
Tickets to “Little Shop of Horrors” on BroadwayTickets to “Merrily We Go Along” on BroadwayI need to get moving on this goal.
43. Play poker at least six times.
No progress. I’m so dumb.
44. Spend at least six days with my best friend of more than 30 years.
No progress. I’m still so dumb.
MUSIC45. Memorize the lyrics to at least five favorite songs.
I memorized the lines to my new favorite Styx song, “Our Wonderful Lives.”
You should go listen to it.
One song memorized in 2024 so far.
46. Practice the flute at least four times per week.
I’ve practiced just six times in May. I brought it home last week in hopes that listening to Charlie play would inspire me.
No luck so far.
MISCELLANEOUS PROJECTS
47. Read at least 12 books.
I read two books in May, which brings my total to nine so far:
“The Anxious Generation” by Jonathan Haidt
“The Demon of Unrest” by Erik Larson
If you are a parent, a teacher, or a school administrator, you must read “The Anxious Generation”
I’m currently reading:
”Smart Brevity” by Jim VandeHei, Mike Allen, and Roy Schwartz
“The Power Broker” by Robert Caro
“Hello, Molly” by Molly Shannon
“You Like It Darker” by Stephen King
“Excellent Advice for Living” by Kevin Kelly
Books read in 2024 include:
“Upstream” by Chip Heath”Happy Pepple Are Annoying” by Josh Peck”Comedy Comedy Comedy Drama” by Bob Odenkirk“The Power of Regret” by Daniel Pink“Fluke” by Brian Klass“Misfit” by Gary Gulman“How to Weep in Public” by Jacqueline Novak“The Anxious Generation” by Jonathan Haidt“The Demon of Unrest” by Erik Larson48. Finish reading TIME’s 100 Best Children’s Books of All Time.
I read 12 books from the list in May. I liked quite a few of them, including “The Tale of Peter Rabbit” and “Miss Rumphius.”
I’ve read 36 books from the list thus far.
49. Unify my passwords using a password manager.
Nearly complete. I found three stray programs in May, so I’m still giving it time to ensure that all is complete.
50. Learn to use QuickBooks for my business.
Done! Invoicing, payroll, and taxes are now all managed via QuickBooks. It’s much easier than I thought.
51. Rectify the heating problem in my studio.
I received estimates on this project, which is honestly more than I expected.
As a temporary measure, I’ve purchased an electric radiator and plugged it into a Bluetooth outlet so I can turn the heat on before going downstairs, which allowed the room to be warm by the time I enter.
This solution might be better than the thousands of dollars required to install heat.
Still deciding what to do in terms of a more permanent solution.
52. Learn the names of every employee who works at my school.
I learned the names of three people in May. I’m starting to run out of people whose names I don’t know.
53. Assemble a complete toolbox.
I’ve purchased all of the necessary tools and a box to organize them. However, I still need to gather the stray tools around the house, consolidate everything into one place, and eliminate redundant tools.
54. Edit our wedding footage into a movie of the day.
No progress.
55. Memorize three new poems.
I have memorized “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost, which is longer than you think.
I’m still working on Act V Scene 5, lines 18-28 of Macbeth and James Joyce’s “Tree.”
56. Complete my Eagle Scout project.
No progress.
57. Post my progress regarding these resolutions on this blog and social media on the first day of every month.
Done.
May 31, 2024
A postive boy on a less-than-positive day
Charlie’s birthday was yesterday. He turned twelve years old.
The poor boy is suffering from a wicked ear infection, so he stayed home from school and spent the day visiting the doctor, wincing in pain, and hanging out on the couch with Elysha.
When it came time for our traditional birthday dinner at the great Bell City Diner, he declined. His ear still hurt too much to leave the house. Instead, I retrieved his requested macaroni and cheese from Panera, and we later dined on Carvel ice cream cake.
As he tossed his plate into the trash, still wincing in pain, he said, “It wasn’t the birthday I was expecting, and this ear infection is killing me, but it was still a great birthday and a great day.”
I couldn’t have been prouder.
A long time ago, on a day when I was feeling down, a middle school teacher who I cannot remember said to me, “A positive mental attitude is your key to success.”
It was probably one of a million other things spoken by that teacher over the course of the school year, but for some blessed reason, that simple statement—and the belief system behind it—took hold in me. Maybe I was desperate for someone, anyone, to point me in a positive direction. Perhaps I was desperate for some kind of help or guidance in my otherwise chaotic life.
Or maybe it’s simply true, and I recognized it as such:
“A positive mental attitude is your key to success.”
Whatever the reason, something changed for me that day. At that moment, I decided that she was right. I realized that I could spend my life looking for reasons to be happy or waste my time seeking reasons to be sad.
From that day on, I have been relentlessly choosing the former.
I’ve repeated that phrase—A positive mental attitude is your key to success—out loud to myself countless times, probably millions of times, over the last three decades.
I say it all the damn time.
When I was sitting in a jail cell, awaiting arraignment for a crime I did not commit, I said those nine words aloud.
When I was sitting in court, on trial for that same crime, I spoke those nine words again and again.
When cowards attempted to destroy my teaching career years ago, those nine words served as my mantra.
I say them when riding my bike up steep, endless hills.
I whisper them after hitting a third consecutive golf ball into the same pond.
I speak them aloud when my tire goes flat, my plane is delayed, and my students have decided to behave less than exemplary.
I say that nine-word sentence more than any other sentence in my life.
I’m also one of the most optimistic, positive people I know. Despite considerable struggle and bad luck, I have always maintained a positive mental attitude. However, I’ve actually been shouted at—on more than one occasion—by people who find my positivity too oppressive and overwhelming.
But I’m still happy.
And I was happy to hear Charlie express a similar sentiment yesterday despite his less-than-ideal birthday.
Maybe he’s been listening. I hope so, because a positive mental attitude will be the key to his success, too.
Yesterday, it was.
And no, it had nothing to do with Donald Trump’s conviction on 34 felony charges.
That was simply icing on the cake.
May 30, 2024
Good man. Great name.
Kenesaw Mountain Landis was a former federal judge with a reputation for fighting big business.
In 1920, he became Major League Baseball’s first commissioner.
His arrival came at a critical time, as the Black Sox scandal had shaken fan confidence and threatened the integrity and very existence of the game.
Landis took a hard line and banned eight White Sox players for life for throwing the World Series, and his decisive actions helped restore faith in the game’s integrity.
All of this is exceedingly admirable, but I mention him because of his name:
Kenesaw Mountain Landis
What a name.
Kenesaw Mountain Landis was born in Millville, Ohio, on November 20, 1866, to Abraham Hoch Landis and Mary Kumler Landis.
Abraham Landis had been wounded fighting in the Union army at the Battle of Kennesaw Mountain in Georgia. When Abraham and Mary could not agree on a name for their new baby – their sixth – Mary Landis proposed they call him Kenesaw Mountain.
At the time, both spellings of “Kenesaw” were used, but later, “Kennesaw Mountain” became the accepted spelling of the battle site, while Kenesaw Mountain Landis maintained the alternate spelling for his name.
Just imagine:
The man was named after the battle in which his father fought and was wounded to help preserve our nation.
Matthew Dicks hasn’t always been the easiest name. Today, I love my name, but when I was younger, it was a more difficult burden to bear.
Kenesaw Mountain Landis would’ve been a kick-ass name.
Some people get all the luck.
May 29, 2024
Peloton sucks
I’ve been riding an indoor bike for more than three years, fairly relentlessly.
I rarely miss a day.
When the pandemic hit, I stopped going to the gym and never returned. I turned to cycling, dragging my bike from the garage and hitting the road, and I never looked back. I rode every day during the height of the pandemic and almost immediately fell back in love with something I had adored as a child.
I spent months exploring streets and paths and everything in between.
Eventually, as summer turned to autumn and I could see winter looming in the distance, I realized I needed an indoor bike to continue riding when the weather turned bad.
Given it was the pandemic and supply chains were stretched, my choices were limited. I essentially had two:
A NordicTrack or a Peloton.
Given the number of people who own and love them, I assumed a Peloton was the correct choice, but I decided to research anyway and complete my due diligence.
What I discovered was this:
The NordicTrack is a far superior indoor bike for several reasons, including:
In addition to classes similar to Peloton, NordicTrack offers an endless number of rides worldwide. Instructors take you out of the studio and to every part of the globe—mountains, forests, cities, deserts—on a large screen with excellent resolution and sound. I never feel like I’m riding in the Alps, but I kind of almost feel like I’m riding in the Alps sometimes.
Also, unlike the Peloton, the NordicTrack rises and declines to match the terrain. This synchronicity of resistance and incline provides a more authentic experience.
The NoricTrak also has a fan that will blow on you throughout your ride, which sounds marginal but is enormously beneficial.
The NordicTrack is more comfortable.
The one apparent advantage that Peleton has over NordicTrack is the quality of the classes. Some Peloton instructors have achieved celebrity status, and the music played during these classes is apparently superior to that of the NordicTrack.
Maybe this matters to some, but given the NordicTrack’s other advantages, I decided that B+ instructors, with all the added features, outweighed the A+ instructors that Peloton reportedly has. Also, I can’t stand those classes. I’d much rather ride in the deserts of Arizona, the mountains of Chile, or the streets of San Fransisco as an instructor encourages me along.
Also, everything feels more realistic and engaging on a NordicTrack.
As you climb Lombard Street in San Francisco, the bike elevates and increases resistance, making you feel like you’re riding uphill.
When you reach the summit of a mountain in Switzerland and begin your descent, the fan’s speed increases, blowing wind in your face as the bike leans forward and resistance decreases.
NordicTrack also uses Google Maps to allow riders to ride anywhere in the world. There is no coach on these rides, but if you want to ride through the neighborhoods of your childhood, you can use Google Maps and Street View and ride along streets that you last rode on as a child. And the bike will even rise and decline to match the terrain.
I love this bike.
Still, I wondered if the Peloton had some indiscernible quality I did not understand. Since I had never tested a Peloton, I always worried that I had made a mistake when purchasing my bike.
What was I missing?
What did Peloton riders know that I did not?
But when I travel, as I often do, I ride bikes in hotel fitness centers, and those bikes are almost always Pelotons, so I’ve spent my fair share of time riding them now – including for three days recently – and here is what I know:
They suck.
They are stationary bricks. Unformfotable chunks of iron. Static pieces of metal that only offer persistently happy, exceedingly fit instructors who shout at you from darkened studios, telling you what to do with smiles and enthusiasm that make me want to throw toasters at them.
They really do suck.
It’s also the perfect example of storytelling at its best. Peloton has managed to tell a story of luxury and quality that consumers believe by positioning itself as a premium brand used by celebrities like Kim Kardashian, Hugh Jackman, and Ashton Kutcher and building a community around celebrity trainers who leverage social media to connect to their riders.
When choosing a bike, there was only one luxury brand: Peloton.
Post-pandemic, you now have many choices when choosing an indoor bike. Supply chains remain strained in specific product categories, but not exercise equipment, so perhaps there are bikes on the market that are even better than Peloton and NordikTrack.
Also, Peloton is now in deep financial trouble. Its stock has gone from a high of $162 per share in 2020 to less than $3 today. The company is desperately trying to shed its luxury brand image and win over the everyday person as it loses hundreds of millions of dollars every quarter.
It’s uncertain if they will succeed.
iFit Health & Fitness – the company that owns NordicTrack – is not a publicly traded company, so it’s impossible to know how they are doing financially.
But in terms of Peloton and NordicTrack’s indoor bikes, one is far superior to the other.
I’m happy I made the right choice almost four years ago.
May 28, 2024
Never have I ever: Q-tips
I’ve posted “Never Have I Ever” lists in 2014, 2018, and 2022.
Every four years.
I’m two years early on posting this next update, but I do so now because it’s worth mentioning:
I’ve never used a Q-tip.
The reason is simple:
I follow the explicit directions on the product – Warning: Do not insert swab into ear canal – and my doctor’s recommendation and have never used a Q-tip to clean my ears, even though it would seem that most people do. Despite the warning labels on the Q-tips, admonitions by doctors, and the multitude of injuries caused every day by inserting Q-tips into ears, people continue to do so.
I do not.
And since I have no other reason for a Q-tip – for the application or removal of makeup, for use in arts and crafts projects – I’ve never required one and have, therefore, never used one.
Also, if anyone should be using a Q-tip in their ears, it might be me. My ears produce more wax than necessary, which requires a visit to the doctor every 6-18 months for flushing:
Warm saline forced into my ears to clean them out.
But no Q-tips.
It’s an odd feeling to have water pushed in and out of your ear canal, but it’s much safer than jamming an object into a fragile part of the human body.
So, if you use Q-tips to clean your ears, perhaps you should follow the experts’ advice and refrain from this habit before you, too, damage your eardrum, rupture your eardrum, cause hearing loss, or give yourself an ear infection. Besides, ears are, for the most part, self-cleaning. Earwax moves out of the ear canal on its own through the skin’s migration pattern and jaw movement.
In fact, if you stopped using Q-tips in your ears today, you would almost certainly see no change, except for avoiding a possible injury to their inner workings.
Just saying.
So, with Q-tips now added to the list, here is my updated list of “Never Have I Ever:
Never purchased or used an illegal drug of any kindNever used marijuana in any formNever purchased a lottery ticketNever tasted coffeeNever smoked a cigaretteNever bruisedNever slept past 9:00 AMNever swore in the presence of my parentsNever shopliftedNever watched an episode of The Real Housewives, The Bachelor, or anything involving a KardashianNever owned an umbrellaNever used an emojiNever eaten a saladNever taken a selfieNever worn a piece of jewelry (except for my wedding ring, which I don’t wear)Never owned or worn a watch (except for a golf watch designed to provide distance to the hole)Never used a Q-tipNotes:
I’ve never purchased or used an illegal drug of any kind because I was keenly aware at 18 that I was on my own, without any familial safety net. I knew I couldn’t afford to get into the kinds of trouble that drugs can cause because I had no one to bail me out.
I also avoided drugs (and alcohol) throughout high school, recognizing their dangers and frankly never feeling the need to experiment.
For the record, Elysha never drank alcohol in high school either, so when people tell us that “kids are going to drink, no matter what we say or do,” we scoff.
If we could resist, it is possible for others to do the same.
_____________________
Certain people are obsessed with getting me to try coffee. I resist, of course. I purposely decided to avoid coffee at an early age after seeing people “need their coffee” every morning and abhorring its complexity. The multitude of preferred temperatures, brews, flavors, sweeteners, brands, and creams make this drink too complicated for a person who strives for simplicity.
Also, I just don’t like hot beverages of any kind.
_____________________
I can’t explain why I don’t bruise, but I don’t. I’ve been with Elysha for nearly 20 years, and she’s never seen a bruise on my body, even after plenty of accidents and major surgery. When I was 17, I nearly died in a head-on automobile collision that sent my head through the windshield and tore my legs open to the bone, but still no bruises.
It’s a stupid superpower, useful for nothing.
_____________________
My refusal to use an emoji is stupid. It’s gone from something I thought silly years ago to me just being a jerk now. They’re cute and easy to use today, and they’ve actually become quite useful in communication, but I resist only because I’m a jerk.
_____________________
I define a “selfie” as a photo taken of yourself by yourself. I’ve never taken one of these photos. I’ve taken photos of myself with other people, and I’ve appeared in many photos taken by someone who also appears in the photo, but I’ve never taken a photo of me by me.
This also started because I thought selfies were ridiculous (and for a while, the selfie stick confirmed this), but honestly, I never find myself in a moment when I want or need a photo of just myself.
_____________________
I’d love to dine on salad constantly, but I hate lettuce, tomatoes, and salad dressing. I have no choice in this matter.
_____________________
I don’t wear my wedding ring because it’s steel and can’t be resized. After Elysha became pregnant with Clara, I lost about 50 pounds, and the ring now slides off my finger easily.
I should get a new one. I know.
May 27, 2024
Favorability of the Federal Agencies
Favorability ratings of government agencies, as reported by Bedrock Data Solutions:
81% – National Park Service
77% – US Postal Service
74% – NASA
61% – Social Security Administration
56% – CDC
56% – Veteran Affairs
55% – EPA
55% – Health and Human Services
These numbers are all much higher than the favorability of things like Congress (16%) and the Federal Reserve (37%).
Then again, most Americans can’t actually describe what the Federal Reserve is or does, so that number is suspect at best.
But here’s what I can’t help but think:
Who doesn’t view the National Park Service as favorable? Who are these 19% of Americans who apparently have beef with the men and women who keep our national parks pristine and protected?
Are these the victims of bear attacks? The hikers who got lost on some mountain? The oil barons who want to carve up our national parks with drilling platforms and oil derricks?
And what about NASA? More than a quarter of Americans view our astronauts in a less than favorable light?
Even the Postal Service seems to be getting a bad rap here, with 23% of Americans disapproving of its pretty phenomenal service. Neither rain nor sleet nor freezing rain stops those folks from delivering our mail. Perhaps you don’t fully approve of the way they do their job and expect more, but does that mean you really view their service unfavorably?
Even if these dissatisfied Americans are worried about the national budget, NASA accounts for less than three-tenths of one percent of the money we spend every year. The national parks spend less than one-fifteenth of one percent. The Postal Service is self-funded. We don’t pay a scintilla of our tax dollars to keep it running,
Americans spend less than four-tenths of one penny of every tax dollar in exchange for the National Parks Service, NASA, and the Postal Service. Still, a sizable number of people view these agencies unfavorably.
I know… people look for problems. They like to complain. They strive for outrage.
Check that:
Unhappy malcontents feel this way. Disappointed, envious, disgruntled, and disillusioned monsters constantly look to point fingers and deflect shame by finding reasons to be dissatisfied.
Some people are not happy unless they are unhappy.
I suspect that a great many of the people viewing these federal agencies unfavorably fit into this unfortunate category.
May 26, 2024
Cotton and Diet Coke
The best pranks combine something a person loves with something they hate.
For me, I love Diet Coke.
I hate cotton.
There’s actually a name for my distaste of cotton:
Sidonglobophobia. It’s described as “having a dislike for how cotton balls feel or sound,” which is exactly how I feel.
It sounds bizarre, but I know at least two other people who suffer from this, including another teacher in my school.
I can’t stand touching cotton balls or even thinking about touching them, as I mistakenly told a class of students years ago. Ever since then, students have been using cotton balls against me. I’ve had my stapler encased in cotton, cotton balls strewn about my classroom, cotton balls jammed into my coat pockets, and cotton balls taped to the keys of my computer.
It’s been a nightmare.
Though I don’t tell new students about this condition, former students always make sure to tell my next batch of kids about this weakness so it can continue to be exploited.
It’s been going on for years.
Still, I was surprised when I was handed this clever and well-designed bit of Diet Coke art with the note:
“Cut me. The future is inside this soda can.”
I thought there was a note inside. Maybe a picture. But no… it was cotton.
Also two cloth strips with the words “lame-o” and “substitute” written on each.
“Lame-o” requires no explanation.
“Substitute” refers to the frequency with which I ask my colleagues how to initiate an online assessment, log into a program, understand an acronym, or prepare paperwork for a field trip. Details escape me, so I constantly lean on my teammates for assistance regarding the specificity of my job.
While doing so for the ten dozenth time this year, a student asked, “Are you a substitute teacher?” which was both rude and accurate, making the insult especially effective.
I’ve been at war with this student ever since.
This Diet Coke gag was the latest salvo.
Teaching is so fun.
May 25, 2024
“Guys in shower”
In answer to a reader’s question:
“How does a man end up trapped in a shower stall in a women’s locker room for nearly four hours?”
Here is the answer:
It’s the fall of 1990. I’m visiting my girlfriend at Quinnipiac University. She’s living in a woman’s dorm. As we’re getting ready for bed, I ask her where to shower in the morning.
Even then, I was waking up well before the crack of dawn to write.
She told me I could use the women’s shower room across the hall. “Just put a sign – “Guys in shower – on the door.”
So I did.
But then the sign promptly fell off the door, so while I was in a shower, standing behind a rubber curtain., I heard the door to the room open. I assumed that a woman was entering to use the toilets on the other side of a dividing wall, but a moment later, I realized that a handful of women had entered to use the showers.
There was a moment when I had a chance to say something—”Hello! Guy in shower!”—but I panicked and said nothing. I froze. My towel and clothes were also on the other side of the room, sitting on a bench, meaning I could not get from the shower to my stuff without crossing about a dozen feet of tile completely naked.
Poor planning on my part.
Today, I would certainly speak up if I found myself in a similar circumstance. I would undoubtedly use humor to deflect the potential awkwardness of the situation and find a way to escape with everyone’s dignity intact. But I did not possess the same level of confidence back then that I enjoy today, so I froze, fearing what the women might assume had they known a man was standing in one of the shower stalls as they prepared to shower.
So I decided to simply wait for them to finish showering and leave, and then I would beat a hasty retreat. So I kept the water running and waited, except while they showered, more women entered.
Then more and more and more.
Not only did these women take showers, but they also hung out. Talked. Laughed. Gossiped. Blow-dried their hair. It seemed like no one was in a hurry to finish and leave.
I waited for nearly four hours, hoping for the shower room to clear. Too afraid to speak up. Too scared to say something. The longer I stood under the water, the more impossible it became to reveal my presence.
I felt so stupid and so helpless.
My girlfriend, who liked to sleep late on the weekends – which you should never do if you value the quality of your sleep, your health, and your possible longevity – had no idea that her boyfriend was trapped in the shower.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, the room went quiet, and before the door could open again, I sprinted from the shower to my towel, wrapped it around my waist, collected my clothing, and left.
Exiting the shower room, I saw my sign lying facedown in the hallway.
When I returned to my girlfriend’s dorm room, I found her still asleep. It was just after 9:00. I hadn’t written a single word yet. I was starving. My fingers looked like prunes. I was still feeling stupid.
When my girlfriend finally awoke, I told her about the incident. She laughed.
“Sticking a ‘Guys in shower’ sign on the door doesn’t keep girls from taking showers,” she said. “It just warns them a guy’s taking a shower, too, in case they want to stay covered up. But most of us don’t walk around the shower room naked anyway.”
“So I could’ve still found myself in a shower room full of women?” I asked. “Even if the sign hadn’t fallen off the door.”
“Yes,” she said. “Do you think we let guys just take over our shower room if they need to shower?”
The next morning, I hoofed it over to the men’s dorm to shower.
It was the fall of 1990. I was 19 years old and not even close to being confident enough to handle showering in a room full of women, even if they knew I was there.
Young Matt still had so much to learn.
May 24, 2024
Nonstop gaming
My flight from Boston to Los Angeles took just over six hours. Diagonally across from me, a young person spent the entire time – all six hours – playing this game on an iPad.
He continued to play the game as he exited the plane and ascended the jetway. He was still playing the game when I lost him in the crowd in the terminal.
I have no idea what the game is called, but it was a furious, constant tapping on the screen as images exploded, expanded, and flew about. This was not a game that required contemplation or planning. It was a relentless assault on the senses.
Six straight hours of this without a break, then a continuation of the game as the boy walked behind his parents.
360 minutes of nonstop gaming.
Teachers see the impact of this behavior in our classrooms every day.
I fear for the future.
