Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 521

Paleontologist extraordinaire

My daughter is slowly developing into an honest-to-goodness dinosaur expert.

I am capable of making serious financial and medical decisions while I am sleepwalking. That, my friends, is productivity.

From the National Sleep Foundation’s website on sleepwalking:

It is a misconception, though, that it is important to not wake up a sleepwalker. In fact, it could be quite dangerous if you don’t wake them up. Sleepwalkers do things from sitting up in bed and look around to walking out of their home and driving their car for long distances.

For many years I was a sleepwalker, and I have still been known to do it from time to time.

As a boy, I would most often sleepwalk when I was not in my own bed, which made for some harrowing adventures when camping with the Boy Scouts. On two occasions, I managed to sleepwalk right out of camp. The first time I was at summer camp, so although I awoke deep in the woods, I was able to see lights from a dining hall in the distance and eventually found my way back to camp.

On another occasion, we were backpacking in the White Mountains when I walked out of camp in the middle of the night. When I awoke, I found myself in the pitch black of a New Hampshire forest, so I did what I had been taught to do. I sat down at the base of a tree and waited for sunrise, at which point I began calling for help. I was far enough away from camp that my calls went unheard, but when my friends realized that I was gone, a search was organized and I was quickly found.

Still unnerving to say the least.

About seven years ago I answered a phone call in the middle of the night without actually waking. Our dog had been dropped off at the veterinarian’s office for an overnight stay for what the vet had diagnosed as severe constipation. It turned out to be a ruptured disk in her back. The vet called around 3:00 AM to ask permission to begin emergency surgery. He explained that it would be exceptionally expensive (more than the cost of our upcoming honeymoon to Bermuda) and Kaleigh only had a 50% chance of survival and only a 25% chance of ever using her hind legs again. I relayed all this information to my wife, discussed it with her, made a decision, and instructed the vet to commence the surgery. Then I went back to bed, completely unaware of what had happened.

I left the house the following morning for work before my wife woke up. About 15 minutes before students would begin filing into my classroom, I received a call from the veterinarian informing me that Kaleigh had survived the surgery but the use of her hind legs were still in question.

I told the vet that he must be calling the wrong pet owner. “My dog,” I explained, “was constipated. That’s all.”

A five minute back-and-forth exchange began, with me becoming more and more upset and angry by the second. I insisted that there has been no middle-of-the-night phone call and worried that he had operated on the wrong dog. Fortunately, my wife arrived at school just as things were starting to get heated and confirmed that what the vet was saying was true. 

A week later my dog came home, and after a long recovery period, I’m happy to say that she is walking today just fine.

Sleepwalking is one thing.

Making life-and-death decisions that cost thousands of dollars while you’re still asleep is another.

When my wife awakens me in the middle of the night now for any reason, so often asks me more than once if I am actually awake, and with good reason. 

The National Sleep Foundation is correct:

“It is a misconception that it is important to not wake up a sleepwalker. In fact, it could be quite dangerous if you don’t wake them up.”

I already wrote this story.

TIME magazine reports on a funeral home in South Carolina will soon offer Starbucks coffee, lattes and free Wi-Fi for those grieving over their loved ones.

Having written an entire novel about a combined funeral home/fast food chicken restaurant (it’s still in the desk drawer), I find this news slightly disconcerting.

Did Starbucks just steal my idea?

Manipulative. Indecisive. Transparent.

The first words out of my three year old daughter yesterday morning as I plucked her from the crib:

Clara: Daddy, I have a cold. I can’t go to school today.

Me: Don’t worry, munchkin. It’s Monday. We don’t got to school on Monday.

Clara: Daddy?

Me: Yeah?

Clara: I feel better now.

UPDATE (three hours later):

Clara: Daddy, I want to go to school! Teddy is waiting for me!

My wife is going to freakin’ love this.

Stop delaying the inevitable. Same-sex marriage is going to happen. Don’t be left standing with the ignorant and bigoted few.

Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant recently criticized a predominantly white church in his state for refusing to allow a black couple to wed in its sanctuary because they were “uncomfortable with a black ceremony.”

Bryant called that decision “unfortunate” and “disappointing,” and said that it would likely taint the state’s image in the eyes of others.

This same governor, however, does not support same-sex marriage in his state, seeming to possess no fear over the likely taint that his state’s image is already suffering in the eyes of others.

Regardless of what you believe about same-sex marriage, I do not understand why people like Phil Bryant cannot see that legalized same-sex marriage is coming to every corner of this country, just as it has already arrived to most parts of the industrialized world. To stand against same-sex marriage only serves to delay the inevitable. More importantly, you risk being known as the last of the bigots to oppose the marriage of two people who love each other, regardless of their sex.

Are Bryant and others who oppose same-sex marriage unable to see how this fight is no different than the civil rights battles of the 1960s and the shame associated with being forced to integrate your public schools by the National Guard?

Are we surprised that the church that is “uncomfortable with a black marriage” is located in one of the last states to segregate its public schools?

Support for same-sex marriage has increased steadily for more than a decade, with supporters first achieving a majority in 2010. An August 2010 CNN poll became the first national poll to show majority support for same-sex marriage, with numerous polls after it echoing this finding.

Those who oppose it seek only to delay the inevitable and risk being compared to men like George Wallace, who later recanted his opposition to racial segregation but not before his name was forever linked to it.

If you’re opposed to same-sex marriage for religious reasons, I urge you to open your Bible and take an honest look at the Book of Leviticus. Read it from beginning to end. Yes, it declares that homosexuality is an abomination. But it also says, in the very same book, that wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread and cutting your hair are offenses punishable by death, and that owning slaves is perfectly legal as long as they come from a country other than your own.

If you’re wearing polyester or getting haircuts on a regular basis, or if you oppose the human slave trade, maybe you can also find it in your heart to accept that same-sex marriage is just as benign. If you can pick and choose from the Book of Leviticus, why not add same-sex marriage into the column with crew cuts and cotton blends?

Pick and choose better, damn it.

If you claim to oppose same-sex marriage for religious reasons but are simply using religion as a cover for your bigotry and intolerance of people unlike yourself, that’s a whole different story, and not one easily corrected.

Ignorance and cowardice are powerful forces to overcome.  

Nevertheless, there will come a day, not too far down the road, when our children or grandchildren will look back on this period in the history of the country and wonder why so many people were so concerned about two men or two women getting married, much the same way my generation looks back on the concepts of separate drinking fountains and separate lunch counters and segregated schools and wonder what the hell those people were thinking.

I write this today to urge you to reconsider your position if you are opposed to same-sex marriage. Your ranks are rapidly thinning as more and more people move to the right.

Not the conservative right, but the side of the righteous.

Change is inevitable. Don’t be left standing alone.

But I also write this today so that when my children and grandchildren look back on this period in the history of our country, they will know that I was not one of those people who opposed the marriage between two men or two women.

My children and future grandchildren will not wonder what the hell I was thinking. They will know that I was thinking the same thing they were thinking:

What the hell is wrong with you people?

How to sleep train your child

This post is being written by request.

I say this because every time I write a post that implies that I know something about parenting, I receive a mixed bag in terms of response, include a few angry people who believe that if my assertions regarding parenting run counter to their own beliefs, I must be attacking them.

I am not. I just think that I am right.

So today I write this post at the bequest of several readers who are curious about the methods my wife and I use to teach our children to sleep well.

It’s true that both of my children are outstanding sleepers. My three-year old daughter has been sleeping through the night ever since she was three months old and now routinely sleeps ten hours or more a night. My infant son began sleeping through the night (at least six hours at a time) at less than two months old and has topped out at eight hours several times, including last night.

It’s also true that we may simply be lucky. Perhaps our children, unlike their father, are genetically predisposed to sleep.

Genetics may play a role, but I don’t think they tell the whole story. When asked by parents how we managed to train our children to sleep through the night so effectively, I often list strategies that the parent has never heard of before or could never support. This leads me to believe that effective sleep training involves employing the correct strategies, and too many parents are either unaware of the strategies or are unwilling to use them.

These strategies are not our own. My wife read two books, THE HAPPIEST BABY ON THE BLOCK and HEALTHY SLEEP HABITS, HAPPY BABY, and the following strategies (except for one) were pulled directly from these texts.

It’s not rocket science. It’s simply following the advice of experts. 

Does this mean that these strategies will work for every child? Of course not. But I think they will work on 95% of children, and I think they will help all kids sleep better, if not well. And if you have not yet tried to use these strategies on a consistent basis,  then you really can’t discount them or complain when your child is not sleeping well.

The following are the four most important strategies that we use. There are others, of course, like a consistent bedtime routine and insisting that our children sleep in a darkened room, but these seem obvious and not nearly as important as the following:

White noise: Both of our kids sleep with white noise. Clara is three years old and still uses it. In the beginning, white noise mimics the sound of the womb for infants and makes them feel at ease. As children get older, it serves as a signal that it’s time for sleep as well as a means by which outside noises (a barking dog, a car horn, thunder) are eliminated. If you are not using white noise with your infant or toddler, you are making a huge mistake. Even Elysha and I sleep with white noise now.
Swaddling: Both of our children were swaddled from day one. This means wrapping them up tighter than a burrito before putting them to bed. There are specially designed swaddle blankets with Velcro straps for people like me who have difficulty achieving an effective swaddle, but my wife can swaddle with just about any blanket. I have spoken to parents who think that swaddling is “mean” and “scary” for kids, but babies like to be swaddled. It mimics the confines of the womb and prevents them from waking themselves up with flailing arms and kicking feet. In fact, the only night that Charlie has slept less than six hours in the last month was the night his swaddle came undone.

Never ever let your children sleep in your bed: This is the rule most often violated by parents, and it is the most important. Children sleep best when they sleep alone in their own bed, and when they are old enough, in their own room. It is critical that children be taught to do this. As parents, it is our responsibility to teach our children to be effective sleepers, and when we place our own emotional needs ahead of this important job, we are hurting our kids. We made the mistake of allowing Clara to sleep in our bed once when she was feeling ill, and it was the worst night of sleep that all three of us have had in a long time. Never again. Both of our children slept in a cradle beside our bed when they were infants. Charlie is two months old so he is still there, though for the first night, he actually slept on the floor because the cradle was not ready. Anything but our bed.

When Clara was about four months old, she was moved into her own room. It was not easy. We liked having her in a cradle beside us. It was easier and made us happy to have her near us, but we knew that in roder to teach her to be an effective sleeper, she needed to be moved. The longer we waited, the harder it would be. Listening to Clara cry for the first three nights that she was in her own bedroom was incredibly difficult, but by the fourth night, she was sleeping in her room, in her crib, without complaint. It must be done. She is a more rested and happier child because of it.

The self-rocking bassinette: This was not included in either of the books that Elysha read, but after three nights spent rocking Clara to sleep as an infant, I thought that there must be a machine to do this for me. There was. When I bought the self-rocking bassinette three years ago, it was the only one on the market and it was not exactly stylish (the mattress appears to have been imported from a Guantanamo Bay prison camp), but it did the job. Clara spent the first three months in a self rocking bassinette and Charlie is there now. Turn a knob and the bassinette rocks itself, allowing Elysha and I to sleep while the bassinette gently rocks the baby to sleep, switching off after 30 minutes. And when the baby begins to stir around 5:00 AM with the rising of the sun, it’s the self-rocking bassinette that puts him or her back to sleep for another hour or two. It’s indispensible.

 

It’s also true that Elysha and I are blessed with two children who have been easy to manage thus far. Perhaps they are both waiting for their teenage years to raise hell, but for now, both kids are more than we could have hoped for in terms of their behavior. Are they genetically predisposed to these easy-going natures, and has this made sleep training much easier? Possibly.

But I also know that they are both well rested children, sleeping through the night and napping on regular schedules every day. If your child is challenging in terms of behavior, ask yourself:

Is your child getting enough uninterrupted sleep every day and night?

As teacher, I can assure you that a tired student is one who is more likely to misbehave during the day.

As a parent, I can tell you that a missed nap almost guarantees a deterioration in behavior later in the day.

Children who don’t sleep enough or spend portions of their night sleep beside parents and drop out of REM sleep every time someone tosses or turns in the bed have a more difficult time regulating their behavior.

I’d love to think that my wife and I produce well behaved, easy-going, naturally precocious children, but in truth, our kids might just be getting enough sleep every night. 

I might be that simple.

Men are much more likely to use nicknames. Is this true, and if so, why?

Ever notice that men are much more likely to assign nicknames or use surnames when two or more people share the same first name, whereas women are not?

Why is this?

For example, there are three Matthews in one of my circles of friend. Myself, Matthew Shepard and Matthew Parker. Rather than relying on versions of of our first names, we simply became Shep, Parker, and Matty.

In another circle of friends, there are three Michaels. Each ended up being referred to by their surnames. Even with the possibility of using Michael,  Mike and even Mikey, no version of the first name was left standing.

In a third circle of friends, there are two Jeffs. Jeff Coger became Coog and Jeff Martin became Martin. Again, no first name variant was left standing. 

Yet I never see women do this. Though I refer to some of my female friends by their surnames from time to time, I can’t remember the last time I heard a woman do this. And I almost never see a woman going by a nickname of any kind. A Jennifer may become a Jen or a Jenny, but rarely does she  become a J.Lo. 

Am I just hanging out with the wrong kind of women or is this a thing?

And if so, why?

Misplaced priorities

In the midst of a deer forest where you get to pet and feed actual deer, my daughter decided that the rocks and dirt were much more interesting than the deer.

I hope she watches this video someday and regrets this decision for the rest of her life, because I found the whole thing incredibly annoying.

Actually, we visit this zoo every year, so she’s unlikely to regret the one year that she chose to play on the rocks instead of petting the deer, but she should. 

Six questions about music that define you

The Guardian has launched “Six Songs of Me,” a project to map as many personal playlists as possible in an effort to understand the intersection of music and culture better.

They’ve set up a special site where you can pick your most meaningful songs in six categories. They’re hoping to gather enough data, Clarke says, to “help us think more fruitfully about the ‘big questions’ that lie behind the sounds of our lives.”

The categories, in the form of questions, are listed below, along with my answers to each.

I would love to hear your answers, too.

_________________________________

1.  What was the first song you ever bought?

I purchased the vinyl recording of Brice Springsteen’s “Welcome to Asbury Park” (the only vinyl I ever owned) specifically for the song Blinded by the Light, though I soon fell in love with the entire album.

2.  What song always gets you dancing?

As wrong as this may be, it is currently Madonna’s Like a Prayer. 

3. What song takes you back to your childhood?

Childhood is a slippery term, but assuming that my teenage years qualify as a part of my childhood, it’s Guns n’ Roses Sweet Child O’ Mine. For two full summers, that song was blasted from the windows of moving cars more than any other song I can remember.

4. What is your perfect love song?

When You Say Nothing At All by Alison Krause. My wedding song. I picked it even before I began dating my wife.

5. What song would you want at your funeral?

These Are the Days by Van Morrison. I love the way the song intertwines  the past, the present and the future, and the harpsichord is simply divine.

6. Time for an encore. One last song that makes you, you.

Cat Steven’s If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out. For a long time this was my theme song (recently replace by Bon Jovi’s We Weren’t Born to Follow), but I have always thought that this song expresses my personal philosophy best.