Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 483
February 23, 2013
A easy-to-implement, nearly-free, must-steal idea for libraries and bookstores everywhere: Blind Date with a Book
On Thursday I had the honor of speaking to a large and enthusiastic audience at the Townsend Public Library in Townsend, Massachusetts. MEMOIRS OF AN IMAGINARY FRIEND was chosen for their annual One Book One Town event, and I couldn’t have been more thrilled. I spent the first hour talking about the craft and business of writing and the second hour discussing the book. There were so many questions from the audience that the lights literally went out before we were finished.
The library is beautiful and the staff is knowledgeable, down-to-earth and incredibly passionate about books.
While strolling through the aisles before the event, I stumbled upon this ingenious means of promoting books that I think every library and bookstore should steal immediately:
Blind Date with a Book.
Books are wrapped in colorful wrapping paper, adorned with clues about the book, and left on the shelf for patrons to check out as a surprise read.
In addition to providing library patrons with the occasional surprise read, these books would make for great gifts in a bookstore. They come already wrapped in the event the buyer is in a rush (which I always am), and there is an added layer of mystery and suspense that makes the gift unique and a little more fun and interesting for both the giver and the receiver.
February 22, 2013
A demanding public
A kind but somewhat questionable reader wrote to me today and said:
Please please please tell me you have written some more books – or at least one!!!!!
I’m strongly opposed to the use of the multiple exclamation point, but in this instance, I’ll overlook it. The sentiment is kind and rather humbling.
She also said:
Please chuck in the kids and get cracking on your computer. We need you more than they do!!!
Once again, I’m willing to accept the multiple exclamation points, but the suggestion that I “chuck in the kids” is a little tougher to ignore.
The postnuptial agreement: A new method of marital negotiation. An even better indicator of people who need to repeat kindergarten.
My wife and I almost never fight. We don’t even bicker. She says it’s because we’re both easygoing people.
I thought it had something to do with love.
Either way, we always manage to find middle ground on the rare occasions when the need for compromise arises.
May I humbly suggest that if you are in need of a postnuptial agreement in order to settle your differences, you are marrying the wrong person.
Or perhaps marriage simply isn’t for you.
As described in this Daily Beast piece, a postnup is a legal proceeding in which spouses hire attorneys to “work out exactly how to spend the family’s money, or even the details of your day-to-day activities. You get this much for golf gear; I get that much for home décor. Your parents for Thanksgiving; mine for Christmas Eve. In other words, it’s marriage by postnuptial agreement.”
“According to some of the nation’s top divorce experts, a postnup can be a productive way of dealing with all sorts of practical and financial issues that often threaten the long-term viability of a union.”
Husband hires a lawyer. Wife hires a lawyer. Negotiations ensue.
Apparently this can range from how often a couple will be taking vacations to who gets stuck with weeding and raking the backyard.
Writer Jacoba Urist admits that at the postnuptial agreement sounds “a little silly” but I think it’s a little more than just silly.
I think it’s a goddamn tragedy.
I think it’s a pathetic alternative to genuine compromise and emblematic of a marriage that should have never happened and should probably end immediately.
Frankly, I think it’s also a clear indicator that the two people engaging in the postnuptial agreement are repulsive in their own right and should be avoided at all costs, at least when it comes to long-term relationships.
These are people who failed to learn the lessons taught in kindergarten regarding sharing, cooperation, concession and sacrifice. And because their teachers and parents can no longer step in and settle their differences for them, they hire attorneys to serve as de facto kindergarten teachers, dividing the toys and the chores equitably.
These marriages are destined to end in divorce, and when they do, avoid these people at all costs.
Date adults. Not kindergarten brats.
February 21, 2013
My wife’s only parenting blunder involves the potentially hazardous use of scissors.
My wife is quite nearly a perfect mother.
She worries a little more than is necessary, but this appears to be a prerequisite to mothering, and her car is littered with the detritus of tiny people, but I suspect that this will not unduly influence my children in any long-term way.
Otherwise, I have almost never objected to a single parenting decision that she has made. I find that remarkable.
In fact, the only objectionable parenting decision that she had made (and continues to make) is her inexplicable and slightly insane insistence on referring to scissors as “a scissor.”
Scissor is a verb. It means to “cut with scissors” or to “move one’s legs back and forth in a way resembling the action of scissors.”
The noun that this verb references is scissors.
There is an ‘S” at the end of the word.
Elysha’s made this error for as long as I’ve known her, and she is hardly to blame. I’ve heard her mother refer to scissors in the same way many times. While I’ve always found it a little strange, I’ve been able to ignore this crack in her otherwise pristine armor.
But now that impressionable minds are at risk, I’m concerned that my children will go forth into the world asking their kindergarten teachers if they can borrow “a scissor” rather than a pair of scissors.
It worries me.
In order to counteract this problem, I attempt to use the word correctly in the presence of my children as often as possible, and I always provide the correct use of the word whenever Elysha uses it incorrectly.
“Could you hand me that scissor, Matt”
“Sure, I’ll grab those scissors for you, honey. Here you go. A pair of scissors just for you. Enjoy those scissors.”
In the grand scheme of things, it’s a fairly small thing compared to the parenting mistakes that I watch people make on an almost daily basis, but as a person who makes his living with words, it’s still a concern.
The future happiness of my children is at stake.
February 20, 2013
The old man is not a choreographer or dance instructor, regardless of what my daughter would have you believe.
My daughter calls this The Waddle Waddle Dance.
I love her new dance, but there is no way that her grandfather taught her this dance, despite her attribution at the end of the video.
The man is admittedly spritely for his age, but he is incapable of waddling without at least three drinks in him.
Even then, it’s unlikely.
Faking your own death as part of the proposal? Exchanging vows via Twitter? Strange, but still better than this.
A Russian man faked his own death in order to propose to his girlfriend. Alexey Bykov hired a filmmaker, makeup artists and stuntmen to create elaborate car-crash scene, then arranged to meet his girlfriend, Irena Kolokov, at the site. When she arrived, she saw him lying on the ground, covered in blood amidst a scene of mangled cars, ambulances and smoke.
Bykov planned an elaborate hoax to show his girlfriend what life would be without him. After being told by the paramedic that he was dead, Kolokov broke down in tears. At that moment Bykov popped up and proposed.
She accepted.
_______________________
A couple in Turkey, Cengizhan Celik and Candan Canik, exchanged wedding vows via Twitter. Their officiant prompted them to say “I do” with a tweet. They responded by tweeting the Turkish word “Evet,” or “Yes,” on their iPads.
_______________________
A recent study found that almost 6 percent of wedding proposals are made over the phone.
_______________________
These marriage-related stories seem odd. At least one is possibly insane.
If any of these people came to me for advice, I would advise against these courses of action.
But here’s the thing:
I also find these people much more interesting and far less offensive than the degree of snobbery that I see and hear in regards to weddings today.
Which is worse?
Any of the people described above or the woman who receives a wedding invitation from a friend and then phones a mutual friend in order to discuss how cheap, tacky or poorly designed the invitation is.
This happens.
Which is worse?
Any of the people described above or the recently married couple who complains to friends or family members about the inexpensive, poorly chosen or unwanted wedding gift that another friend or family member has given?
This happens. A lot.
Which is worse?
Any of the people described above or the person who criticizes a friend or family member (often behind their back) for failing to adhere to all of the marital traditions and customs of their religion or culture.
This happens. All the time.
I once ministered a pagan wedding in which the guests were required to remove their shoes and the bride was required to cut her finger with a ceremonial dagger prior to the exchange of vows in order to consecrate the ground upon which she would be married.
I once worked as a DJ at a wedding where only Celtic music could be played. The bride and groom drank from dragon-encrusted goblets and asked me to teach their guests something called The Mummer’s Dance.
I once worked as a DJ at a wedding that was delayed for almost two hours because the police dog that the bride and groom wanted included in the ceremony was delayed due to a possible drug shipment at the airport, and they refused to get married without him.
I once worked as a DJ at a backyard wedding that included a Slip ‘N Slide (used by both the bride and groom) and a hotdog cart.
After 16 years in the wedding industry as a DJ and minister, I have hundred of stories like this that I could tell. In each of these less-than-ordinary instance, I would much prefer to spend time with these kinds of people rather than the brides and grooms obsessed with ensuring that their wedding looks expensive or just like their friend’s wedding or better than their friend’s wedding or as close as possible to the celebrity wedding that they read about in People magazine a year ago.
Slicing your index finger open with a ceremonial dagger in order to drip blood on the ground is surprising to say the least, but I am always more surprised (and disgusted) by the woman who criticizes her friend’s choice of wedding gown or the man who complains about the quality of the top-shelf liquor at the reception or the bridesmaid who makes the bride’s life difficult by complaining about the dress that she’s been asked to wear.
In the wedding industry, there is nothing worse than pretentiousness, snobbery, overt opulence and the petty, hyper-critical, judgmental attitudes of people who find it impossible to imagine why anyone would ever get married in a way that is different than their own wedding day.
February 19, 2013
Not three. Look closely. Five.
I stepped into our bedroom to inform my wife that I was heading to the gym. This is what I found:
A couple interesting things about this photograph:
When my daughter jumped into bed, she asked Elysha to cuddle Baby Teddy while she cuddled Baby Katie.
As you can see, my wife is holding up her end of the bargain.
Baby Katie is jammed into the bottom right corner of the image, feeling considerably less loved.
Although my wife is smiling in this picture, she had no idea that I was taking a photo. The woman literally smiles in her sleep.
No social media. No bling. Just friends.
It occurred to me that my three closest male friends all have the following in common:
They have no Facebook accounts. Two have no account whatsoever, and the third has an account that is never and was never used.
They have no Twitter accounts. As above, two have no account whatsoever and the third has an account that is never and was never used.
None of them wear a watch, nor have they ever worn a watch while I’ve known them.
Other than weddings bands, none of them wear any jewelry.
They all drive vehicles that were purchased secondhand.
They are three of the least materialistic people I have ever met.
Except for those occasions when I have to send them separate invitations for events via email rather than including them in a mass invite via Facebook, I like this a lot about them.
