Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 416

Food allergy skeptics suck.

A Boston Globe piece entitled Skeptics add to food allergy burden for parents describes the challenges that the parents of food allergic children face when closed-minded morons accuse a parent of being overprotective rather than vigilante when it comes to the health and safety of their kids.

The number of children with reported food allergies continues to rise — from 3.5 percent in 1998 to 5.2 percent in 2012, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. With that increase has come a heightened awareness of allergies, but some parents of allergic children say they are sometimes branded hypochondriacs or labeled as overprotective by neighbors, late-night comics, and even grandparents.

Beyond suspicion that allergies can’t be fatal — particularly non-peanut allergies — some parents say they face disbelief that their children’s allergies exist at all. That’s a perception fed in part by the enormous number of Americans who avoid things like gluten or dairy for lifestyle rather than life-and-death reasons. Skepticism was likewise fueled by a 2010 study in the Journal of Pediatrics that found an overreliance on blood tests to diagnose food allergies had led to avoidance of foods that could actually be eaten.

“It makes it harder because people think we’re all misdiagnosed, that we’re hypochondriacs,” Francoeur said.

My daughter is allergic to peanuts. I have yet to run into one of these skeptical idiots, but if someone ever questioned my daughter’s food allergy or the caution that we take (Clara included) to ensure that she is safe, I suspect that I would do what I do best:

Find ways of verbally abusing them until they were silenced, embarrassed or crying.

Hopefully all three. 

Unfortunately, I have encountered people who bemoan the sudden increase in food allergies and ask me why I think so many children today suffer from this condition.

My typical response is something like:

Did you mistake me for a medical research scientist? Or some all-knowing seer? How the hell am I supposed to know? Why would you ask me? Why would you even ask? Do you plan on doing something about it? 

I don’t ask these questions nicely.

Though I have yet to encounter any skeptics in regards to my daughter’s condition, I have dealt with skeptics like this before in regards to my own allergies.

I am allergic to bee stings and mustard. Each of these allergies illicit different types of responses from skeptics.

When a bee is flying in close proximity to me, my reaction is to exit the area immediately. While most people see this as a perfectly rationale approach (especially given that I nearly died and required CPR following a bee sting once). an occasional idiot will scoff at my avoidance strategy and assure me that if I don’t move, the bee won’t sting me.

First, I wasn’t moving when the bee that almost killed me stung me, so this is not true.

Second, I think of bees as tiny bullets. While bees might rarely sting a person who is not moving, rarely is still enough to kill me. I often ask, “If a man was waving a loaded gun in your face, would you remain seated and calm, even if he assured you that he would not fire if you remained still?”

This usually shuts the person up.

The most common response to my mustard allergy by skeptics is to doubt it’s existence entirely. Since these people have never encountered a person with a mustard allergy before, they assume that my allergy must not exist.

Several years ago, one of these skeptics was present when I accidentally took a bite of a burger with mustard on it and had an immediate reaction. My face and hands broke out in hives and breathing became difficult for me. While I do not enjoy these reactions, it was quite satisfying to have it in front of my skeptic.

The best response to these food skeptics is to ignore them. Their skepticism is merely a sign of their stupidity, and stupid people are best ignored.

If this proves impossible, the next best response is to respond immediately and harshly. Hit them where it hurts. Acquire allies. Make a scene. Call them names. Divulge long-held secrets. MAKE THEM CRY. 

Ensure that they will never openly doubt the food allergy of another person again. 

The world is rapidly leaving the bigots behind

When an arena of Missouri sports fans gives an openly gay football player a standing ovation, the world is getting decidedly smaller for the bigots of the world.

Dumb people help make dreams come true

A survey, conducted by the National Science Foundation, found that 1 in 4 Americans believe that the sun revolves around the Earth.

Also, less than half of Americans know that humans evolved from other species of animals.

These numbers are shocking. They may be an indication of the failure of science instruction in America (though I tend to believe that people who lack this level of basic understanding suffer from personal accountability issues rather than failures in instruction). 

Regardless of the cause, I like to look at the bright side of things:

With so many uninformed and possibly stupid people in America, it will be that much easier for my children (and even my students) to find jobs in their chosen fields.

As long as they don’t end up like the morons who responded to this survey (and I’ll make sure of that), they should do well in the job market.

More good news from the study:

Only 66 percent of European Union residents knew that the Earth revolves around the sun.

National pride restored!

Not to mention an entire continent filled with people even less informed than Americans. In today’s global economy, more good news for the well informed.

“Nonplussed” is going down.

It’s such a stupid word. It’s definition is “not surprised,” but we all know that it’s supposed to mean the opposite.

So stupid.

In protest of this stupid word, I will be taking the following actions:

I will use the word “nonplussed” in place of the word “surprised” whenever possible. I will invent moments of surprise and shock if necessary. I’m going to use the hell out of the word.
I will use the word “plussed” (not a real word) to describe a state of being not surprised. If “nonplussed” means surprised, then plussed is going to mean “surprised,” damn it. I’m going to take this inane word to it’s logically inane conclusion.

Who is with me?

One unintended consequence of this plan will be to annoy the hell out of my wife, but sometimes you must take a stand against the forces of definitional evil even at your own peril.

I’ll show this word what happens you you’re supposed to mean one thing and you choose to mean the opposite.

 

The best words ever spoken to me. Ever.

She crawled into my lap, kissed me on the cheek and said, “I love you. And I love to hug you. And I love to play with you. And sometimes I love to watch football with you.”

The shouting is amusing, but it’s the makeup that bothers the hell out of me

This video is terrible. I realize it’s only curling, but it’s an Olympic sport.

 

These are Olympic athletes.

And some of them are wearing more eye and face makeup than an actress on the red carpet. It’s ridiculous.

It’s a terrible message to send you little girls everywhere.

It’s a terrible image for female athletics.

It’s a terrible image for women.

At least it’s only curling, and only a few Canadians are watching.

Fourth greatest compliment ever

I have a list of the three greatest compliments I have ever received.

The first was a ridiculous, albeit appreciated, comment about my physical appearance (though the person complimenting me may have been blind).

The second pertained to my video game prowess.

The third was a comment that my wife once made to my doctor.

I received my fourth greatest compliment ever last week:

One student told another student:

“Mr. Dicks is not the kind of guy who says something and doesn’t do it. He only says what he means. Even if it sounds crazy.”

I could’ve done without that third sentence, but it’s still pretty good.

I’m not careless. I’m just stupid and preoccupied.

My wife opened the refrigerator yesterday morning and found this:

See the problem?

She texted me the photo and asked, “Is this the result of your advancing age?”

Sadly, she knows that this has nothing to do with my age. She lives with a man who does not notice details and specifics and makes blunders like this all the time.

She’s said many times that she’s not sure that I would be able to pick her out of a lineup of dark haired women. While this is obviously not true, the statement is born from truth.

Part of it is simply the way that I am wired. My visual memory is exceptionally poor. I do not remember what I see.

But I also think that part of the problem (especially in the case of the ice cream) is a constantly, inner dialogue that occupies a great deal of my mental faculties. Half-written novels, ongoing revisions, a screenplay, stories for the stage, children’s books, observations, future plans, anticipated battles and ever-present worries and concerns are constantly swirling around in my mind, causing me to do some exceptionally stupid and mindless things.

And in some cases, downright tragic things, like leaving two quarts of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream in the refrigerator.

Am I really so annoying?

Three things happened to me yesterday:

A friend told me that something I said to her was the meanest thing that anyone has ever said to her.

Another friend spitefully followed my advice in order to prove me wrong, and the advice turned out to be right. Things turned out legitimately great for her. And yet she was annoyed by her inability to prove me wrong.

A student told me that my suggestion for improving her essay was brilliant, but that it was probably just dumb luck on my part.

I clearly have a polarizing impact on people.

The most amazing door you will ever see

And yet the remarkable functionality of the door is underscored by the designer’s apparent inability to find a floor that doesn’t sound like it’s about to collapse beneath him.

The door is astounding. The choice of flooring is even more so.