Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 345
August 1, 2015
Resolution update: July 2015
PERSONAL HEALTH
1. Don’t die.
I woke up this morning, therefore I am.
2. Lose 20 pounds.
Down seven pounds as of this morning.
3. Do at least 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups five days a week.
Done. I’ve added a plank every morning as well.
4. Stop drinking soda from two-liter bottles.
I didn’t drink soda from a two-liter bottle in July. Soda consumption remains reduced by at least half and water consumption has increased dramatically.
5. Practice yoga at least five days a week.
I continue to practice yoga every morning. I am not good. Frankly, I'm a mess. I need a refresher from my coach. He has returned from the Pacific Northwest, and I hope to find time to meet with him before I leave for Brazil in a week.
6. Learn to cook three good meals for my wife.
I have three recipes to plan for courtesy of a good friend. I have done nothing with them thus far.
WRITING CAREER
7. Complete my sixth novel before the end of the summer 2015.
The first 50 pages of what I hope will be my next novel are in the hands of my agent. I await word. The first 100 pages of what I wanted to be my next novel remain on my laptop. I continue progress on this book while I wait. I've written enough pages this year for a novel, but sadly, this doesn't count if they are spread across two books.
8. Complete my seventh novel.
This book is also more than half finished. I may try to finish this book while in Brazil.
9. Sell one children’s book to a publisher.
My agent has four finished children's books in her hands. I await word.
10. Sell a memoir to a publisher.
The memoir is written and polished. It will be paired with my book of essays for sale, so it remains on my laptop, waiting for the essays to be complete.
11. Sell a book of essays to a publisher.
My book of essays did not sell, but the responses that we received from editors were exceptionally positive. In a few cases, it was not a pass as much as a request that the book be reorganized and written slightly differently than it is currently constituted. I have begun that process in earnest this week.
12. Complete a book proposal for a book on storytelling.
Progress continues. It's almost fully outlined. I hope to complete this outline while in Brazil.
13. Write a new screenplay.
I’m still revising my first screenplay based upon film agent’s notes (and had a huge breakthrough this month). I decided upon the story for the next screenplay.
14. Write 50 pages of a new memoir about the years of 1991-1993.
The collection of essays that I have written may now encompass this period of time. This book may meld into the book of essays.
15. Write a musical for a summer camp
Done! I was lucky enough to see it onstage in July. The feedback was outstanding. I hope to find it another home at some point.
16. Publish at least one Op-Ed in a physical newspaper.
17. Submit one or more short stories to at least three publishing outlets.
No progress.
18. Select three behaviors that I am opposed to and adopt them for one week, then write about my experiences on the blog.
I spent a week in July backing into parking spots, which was something I assumed was only done by lunatics of the highest order. I'll be writing about my experience in for a blog post (or perhaps an Op-Ed somewhere) in August.
I'm on the hunt for my second behavior.
19. Build an author mailing list.
Done! My seventh monthly email went out yesterday. The job remains twofold:
Continue to create engaging content that will keep readers interested.Build my subscription base.If you're not signed up for my mailing list, you can do so here.
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20. Build a new website for matthewdicks.com
Done!
STORYTELLING
21. Produce a total of eight Speak Up storytelling events.
We will produce our seventh show at Real Art Ways this evening. A few tickets are still available. One show to go.
22. Deliver my fourth TED Talk.
Done!
23. Build a webs ite for Speak Up.
Done! It’s a single page on my new author website, and it’s not nearly as robust as we want it to eventually be, but Speak Up finally has a webpage where you can find dates of events, ticket information, an opportunity to sign up for the mailing list, and more. You can find our webpage at speakupstorytelling.com.
24. Attend at least 10 Moth events with the intention of telling a story.
Done! I attended two Moth StorySLAMs in July. Sadly, my name wasn't picked from the hat either time. This brings my total number of Moth events in 2015 to 15.
25. Win at least two Moth StorySLAMs.
I won a StorySLAM in April. I have come within a tenth of a point twice since then.
26. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.
Done twice over! I won the New York GrandSLAM at the Music Hall of Williamsburg in June, bringing my total number of GrandSLAM wins this year to two.
27. Launch at least one podcast.
We have a name. We are ready to launch. This will probably have to wait until I return from Brazil.
NEW PROJECTS
28. Pitch at least three new projects to two smart people.
I pitched one of my project ideas (a podcast) to an NPR producer in July. I have now pitched two new projects to two smart people.
29. Host at least one Shakespeare Circle.
Nothing scheduled yet.
MISCELLANEOUS
30. Enroll in the final class needed for certification as a high school English teacher.
No progress.
31. Set a new personal best in golf.
I shot a 46 in July, tying my personal best, and after scoring a 9 on the first hole. I have played less golf this summer than ever before because of an increasingly packed schedule, and it's hurting my heart.
32. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog on the first day of every month.
Done.
July 31, 2015
One of the most horrifying and disgusting things that has ever happened to me couldn't spoil my day
We went to Boston yesterday for a whale watch. It was the first whale watch of my life, and it was the first for the kids as well.
We were excited. Most of the day went exceptionally well.
One moment was exactly the opposite of exceptionally well.
We stopped at Jeff Kinney's bookstore in Plainville, MA on the way down. Kinney is the author of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books, which children adore and buy in bushels. We explored the shop. Perused titles. Bought books. I saw Jeff Kinney and waved. He was busy with customers and we were in a hurry or I would've waited to chat with him. Maybe next time.
And yes, he didn't have any of my books in stock, but I'll forgive him for that. Perhaps he doesn't know that I lived about two miles from his store for a good portion of my life. Perhaps he doesn't realize that many of my books mention the area of Massachusetts where is store is located and I have actually set my next book in his neck of the woods. Maybe he just hasn't gotten around to reading any of my books yet. There are a lot of books in the world and a limited number of hours. Regardless of the absence of the works of Matthew Dicks, it was a beautiful store.
Opening a bookstore is a dream that Elysha and I have shared for a long time. It was a little inspiring to see his shop doing so well. Now all I have to do is sell a bajllion books and build a store of my own.
The whale watch was excellent. The ocean was extremely choppy, with swells of 3-5 feet, but we saw humpback whales breech over and over again. They flapped their fins and tails at us and came along side the boat, close enough to almost touch. The crew told us that they haven't seen this many whales breech all season long. Apparently the rough water is tough on the stomach but excellent for whale watching.
The bartender also told me that in the ten years she had been working on the ship, this was the first time she felt like she might throw up. The swells and cop were that bad. In fact, people all over the ship were getting sick.
This explains why our three year-old son, Charlie, threw up about nine seconds after he ate a piece of chocolate. Thankfully, he was sitting about a foot away from me and managed to contain the mess to his own clothing. We stripped him down to his underwear and he was fine. Bounced back like a champ. Onward to the whales!
Later, when he and I were at the front of the boat, watching the whales together, he threw up again. This time it wasn't so good. I was holding him in my arms, and he managed to almost completely cover me in vomit before throwing up into my mouth. It was horrifying. It was disgusting. It was perhaps one of the most disgusting moments of my life.
But it was Charlie, so somehow, it was okay. I never felt sick. Never felt angry or annoyed. Just bad for the little guy, even though I was covered in his wretch.
Parenthood boiled down to its essence.
We were about 90 minutes from port, so I washed my clothes in the restroom sink, put them back on soaking wet and stinking, and enjoyed our ride home while Elysha, who also wasn't feeling well, slept and Charlie sang and Clara drew.
You might think that spending hours in vomit-infused clothing would ruin my day. You might think that having your son throw up in your mouth might ruin your life.
But no. I waved to Jeff Kinney. Bought a book. Ate fish and chips at Legal Seafood. Saw enormous whales leap from the ocean and wave to me with their fins and tails. Ate some macaroni and cheese on the way home.
A gallon or so of vomit couldn't ruin a day like that.
July 30, 2015
Sequel protection service: Alias
There once was a show called Alias, and it was great. Created by J.J. Abrams, it starred Jennifer Garner as Sydney Bristow, a double-agent for the Central Intelligence Agency posing as an operative for SD-6, a worldwide criminal and espionage organization.
Then halfway through the second season, the series changes significantly. Some describe it as a reboot. I don't want to spoil it for you, but suffice it to say that you will know when this moment happens. It will feel like the story has come to a conclusion and a new story is beginning.
Stop right there. Do not begin the new story.
The new story is fine, but it is not special. It is frankly kind of ordinary. The show moves from an ingenious conceit to a standard plot that we have seen many times before.
I can't imagine why J.J. Abrams chose this path, but it was a mistake.
Here's the good news:
Alias ran for five seasons, piling up more than 100 episodes in the process. The first 35 episodes are outstanding and completely worth your time.
Go watch them.
If you want to watch the show, I've just reduced your commitment significantly and saved you the disappointment of the final three plus seasons.
Actually, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have yet to finish watching the final season. It was too weird and ridiculous and implausible to continue. In the spirit of completion, I may get to it someday, but I doubt it.
Time is far too valuable to waste on bad television.
July 29, 2015
How to annoy a child
As an elementary school teacher for the last 17 years, I have learned many ways to annoy a child. Here are just a few:
If asked, declare that you have no favorite number.If asked, declare that you have no favorite color.Refuse to divulge your own middle name.Ask a child how many fingers he or she has. When the child says ten, point out that he or she only has eight because two of their digits are thumbs. Then seriously question the child's intelligence. Say popular catch phrases in the most robotic and uninspired way possible while pretending like you are trying your best to say the phrase properly.Explain that the unicorn is not an imaginary animal but an extinct animal. Use the existence of the narwhal, the rhino, and all other horned land animals to support your assertion.For the record, I have no favorite number or color.
I have a middle name but often provide children with a false name.
And I have convinced dozens of children that unicorns were once real before laughing at their naivety.
July 28, 2015
Even I was silenced by this horrific scene of sexism and misplaced cold drink cups
Yesterday I saw an older man standing at the counter at a McDonald's, with an empty, medium size McDonald's cold drink cup jammed into the breast pocket of his button-down shirt, admonishing two young women about the clothing that they were wearing, reminding them that clothing and appearance sets an important first impression.
"You look like you're dressed for a night out on the town, and it's not even nine o'clock in the morning. Where could you possibly be going dressed like that?"
The two women looked astonished, embarrassed, and a little frightened.
I am normally quick to jump into moments like this. I kind of love doing so. I was made for these moments.
But even I was too dumbstruck to say a word.
I'm so disappointed in myself.
July 27, 2015
“If you’re going to have a difficult life, it might as well be childhood, since it’s so short” might be the dumbest thing ever said.
Someone recently told me that “If you’re going to have a difficult life, it might as well be childhood, since it’s so short.”
I disagree. It’s the percentage of life that is difficult that matters most, and a difficult childhood skews that percentage for a long, long time.
If you have a difficult childhood, that means that 100% of your life up until a certain age is difficult, and these are fundamental years upon which the foundation of our lives is often set.
This alone is exceptionally damaging to people.
Equally important, it takes a long, long time for that percentage to even shift to a 50/50 split.
If you're life was difficult until the age of 16, for example, you won't attain a 50/50 split of difficult to not difficult until you're 32 years old, and that is assuming that none of the years between the ages of 17 to 32 were difficult, which is unlikely.
Even if that's the case, you've now only reached a 50-50 split. Half your life was hard. Half was not. You're still not looking back with rose-colored classes.
You'll need to reach the age of 48 before two-thirds of your life wasn't difficult and 64 before three-quarters of your life wasn't difficult, and all of this is assuming that none of the years between ages 17 and 64 are difficult, which is, of course, a ridiculous assumption.
No, if you're going to have a difficult life, make it anything but childhood. I wish every person on the planet a childhood filled with love, joy, learning, productive struggle, and great success.
If it's then followed by hardship, at least the foundation will be solid and coping strategies will be in place, and the person experiencing the hardship will be able to lean on the memory of those childhood years with a sense of what has been and could be again.
Do you know what kind of person thinking that if you’re going to have a difficult life, it might as well be childhood, since it’s so short?
It's a person who experienced a childhood free of hardship and has no understanding of the long term impact that 100% of your life being difficult can have on the remainder of your life.
July 26, 2015
My daughter manages money better than most Americans. And unlike me, her savings weren't eaten by a dog named after a video game.
For almost a year, my six year-old daughter, Clara, has been saving her allowance and birthday money for a dollhouse that she saw at Barnes & Noble one day.
Clara receives $1 per week (plus additional quarters for the completion of additional chores), of which she divides amongst her long term, short term, and charity jars. She is required to put a quarter in each jar and put the remaining quarters wherever she wants. For months, all of her extra quarters (and birthday money) have been going to long term savings.
On Sunday, her total in the long term savings jar exceeded $90, which meant that she had the $89 need to purchase the dollhouse.
When I was ten years-old, I saved $100 selling lemonade, leftover food from my grandfather's picnic, and my brother's toys (I don't think he knows about this even today), only to have my wallet and all but $6 eaten by my dog, Pac-Man.
I had been selling my grandfather's barbecue chicken, and some of the sauce had gotten on the money, drawing Pac-Man's attention.
I cannot tell you how impressed I was with my little girl. She made a plan, demonstrated patience and perseverance, and it finally paid off. I know many, many adults incapable of saving money and waiting like she did.
When we arrived at Barnes & Noble, I immediately went to the cashier and warned her that my daughter would be buying a dollhouse and paying in about $20 worth of quarters and many small bills. I thought it was important that Clara use the actual money that she had saved when buying the dollhouse. I wanted her to connect effort with reward.
The cashier's response should have been a smile and congratulations to my daughter, but instead I received a scowl and a complaint that she didn't have any quarter rolls.
I was annoyed.
Not only was she legally required to accept our payment regardless of denomination, but a little bit of excitement for our daughter;s accomplishment would have been nice. I will never understand who some customer service people don't choose to simply be kind and polite.
Thankfully, by the time we returned with the dollhouse, scowling cashier had been replaced with a cashier who was genuinely excited for my daughter. We counted quarters on the side while she took customers, and once we were ready, she took Clara's money with a smile and many, many congratulatory remarks.
The way it's supposed to be done.
Clara is saving again. She's not sure for what yet, but she told me that she will start saving while she figures out what she wants next.
She's also been willing do to extra chores around the house, understanding better than ever how effort can result in reward, and more importantly, what the earned realization of that reward feels like.
July 25, 2015
I hate this kid.
As a teacher, it's not often that I say that I hate a kid.
In fact, I can't remember a time in my adult life when I really despised a young person.
I don't know this kid personally, but from everything I can see, I hate hate hate him.
July 24, 2015
Half years are stupid.
I will never understand why adults count half-years when accounting for time.
Yesterday I heard a person asked how long he was at a company. His response:
"Eight and a half years."
Eight and a half?
You're not a toddler, dude. No one over the age of ten counts half years. No one even keeps track of half years. Besides, what even constitutes a half year?
Must it be exactly six months to call it a half year?
What about four months? Should we round up to the half year or back down to the full year?
What about eight months? Can we round up to a full year? What about nine months? Or ten?
Everyone understands that when you say that you were with a company for eight years, it probably wasn't eight years on the nose. It was probably eight years and some additional weeks or months, or maybe it was almost eight years and you're rounding up.
Stating time in half years makes you sound like a wonk. It's meaningless. No one cares about your stupid half year.
