Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 284

My daughter, the eccentric artist

My daughter, Clara, loves to create art. She once said, "I let my mind go wild, and then I fill it with art."

Our living room has become her gallery, with pictures hung with scotch tape all over the walls. While I initially wondered if I wanted a living room covered in marker and crayon drawings, haphazardly hung over every surface, I've grown to love the look of the room. I find myself in many well appointed, meticulously decorated homes, and while they are lovely, my home is a mismatched, chaotic celebration of the imagination of my daughter, and more recently, our son, and I can't imagine anything better.  

There will be time for well appointed and meticulously decorated. For now, I'll take this child-centered place of color and shapes  

Clara's methods, however, can be eccentric. It's not uncommon for me to find her sitting on the table, drawing, coloring, and sketching, even though a perfectly good chair is available. 

Despite of the bizarre seating positions and postures, I can't help but love what my little girl produces.

I spent $15,000 while I was sleepwalking.

Last night, I climbed out of bed, brushed my teeth and got dressed for work, I carried the dog downstairs and was preparing my children's breakfast when I woke up, looked at the clock, and saw that it was 12:30 AM.

I had been asleep for a little over an hour. 

I was sleepwalking. 

I don't sleepwalk often, but it happens from time to time. When I was a boy, I was a prolific sleepwalker. I would carry on lengthy conversations with my parents and siblings while I was asleep.

I would climb out of my tent on camping trips with the Boy Scouts and wander into the woods, only to wake up somewhere in the dark, uncertain of where I was. I would have to sit down at the base of the tree and wait for sunrise before I could find my way back to camp.

When I was 19 years-old and living on my own, I would often wake up behind the wheel of my car in the middle of the night, fully dressed for work but without the keys to start the car.

I've awoken doing all sorts of things, including folding laundry, watching television, and even writing. 

But my most memorable sleepwalking incident happened about ten years ago. I brought my dog, Kaleigh, to the vet for what appeared to be some internal pain. The vet diagnosed her problem as gas and possible constipation and decided to keep her overnight for observation.

Around 2:00 AM, the vet called and informed me that one of the discs in Kaleigh's spine had ruptured. I needed to make a decision.

The veterinary surgeon could attempt emergency spinal surgery, but the chances of Kaleigh surviving were less than 50 percent. Even if she survived the surgery, it was very likely that her hind legs would never work again. She would be relegated to a doggie wheelchair for the rest of her life, and I would need to manually remove all waste from her body via a catheter three times a day.

The surgery would cost about $15,000, which was all of the money I had saved from my online poker playing to pay for our upcoming honeymoon to Bermuda. 

I said yes. Do the surgery.

I have no recollection of that call or the conversation I had with Elysha regarding the decision. I was sleepwalking the entire time.

The next morning, while preparing for the school day in my classroom, the vet called and informed me that Kaleigh had survived the surgery. I told the vet that he had called the wrong owner. My dog had gas.

"No," he said. "Kaleigh ruptured a disc. We spoke last night."

"No," I repeated. "You have the wrong pet. My dog stayed overnight for gas and constipation."

Eventually, the vet convinced me that he was talking about the right dog, so I hung up the phone, raced up to Elysha's classroom at the end of the hall, and asked her what the hell was going on. She explained the phone call, the decision, the cost, and the chances of recovery.

As I listened to her describe the night's events, I realized that I had been sleeping walking through the entire phone call.

I spent $15,000 while I was asleep. 

Happily, things turned out well. My poker earnings paid for the surgery, and we dipped into our meager savings to go on our honeymoon.

Kaleigh recovered. Though the doctor doubted that her hind legs would ever work again, we brought her home after a week, and when I put her down on the floor, she immediately rose onto all four legs for the first time since the surgery and hobbled across the room to the spot where she liked to sleep.

Elysha and I wept.

It was a long road to recovery which included placing our mattress on the floor and enclosing it in a cage for three months to prevent Kaleigh from hopping up and down off the bed. She was never as agile as she once was, she can't negotiate stairs on her own, and there are days when her back causes her discomfort, but she'll be 15 years old in April and doing just fine for a very old lady.

Thankfully, I made a damn good decision while I was asleep. 

Verbal sparring: Never tell someone to do something that they can ignore

As a result of my outspoken opposition to Donald Trump, I am frequently attacked online by trolls who disagree with my positions.

When I say trolls, I don't mean the people who support Trump and respond to me in thoughtful, measured ways. I'm talking about the people whose emails, Facebook messages, and tweets are laced with insults, hate, and meaningless stupidity. 

For those folks, I'd like to offer a small bit of rhetorical advice:

When you respond to someone who you oppose or whose comments and opinions run counter to your own, don't fire off a command that can easily be ignored or even laughed at and mocked. You end up looking weak, stupid, and lacking any foresight.

For example, if you tell me to "Move to Canada!" or "Shut your mouth!" I can simply reply, "No." 

Or...

"No, thanks." 
"Who made you King?"
"Make me." 
"You've obviously mistaken me for a robot."
"Bite me."

Issuing a command absent any authority to enforce it is rhetorically ineffectual and almost always backs you into a corner. What do you say after I respond with, "No?"

Yes?
Please?
Pretty please?

You probably change course, at which point I highlight your change of course and hang onto it like a dog to a bone, continually reminding you of your weakness and stupidity.

If you haven't thought about the range of responses to your verbal assault, you're not even playing the game. You might as well be poking the dirt with a stick. 

Oh, and while you're at it, the name calling is just as stupid. Snowflake, libtard, and cuck are all popular amongst the trolling knuckle draggers these days, but every time someone calls me one of these names, I can't help but think, "Really? You called me a name? I stopped caring about names in middle school."

Why waste time and energy on something so meaningless and ineffective? You'd be better off blowing soap bubbles in my general direction. They would do more damage than your stupid names.

Of course, the best part of these verbal attacks is the way I ignore them. No response is so much better than any response for these pathetic trolls, and this is what I do today. There was a time when I enjoyed firing back at these cretins, but I quickly learned that I have much better ways to spend my time.

Besides, ignore the trolls, and they remain trapped under their pitiful little bridges, unable to glimpse even a bit of the sunlight that I enjoy. 

The Lincoln Memorial. In blocks.

Remember when Donald Trump said that it was “very seldom” for incoming U.S. presidents to celebrate their inaugurations at the Lincoln Memorial, even though both of his predecessors had hosted far larger and more well attended inaugural events at the Lincoln Memorial?

Those were the good old days, before Trump spent a week lying about the size of his disappointing inauguration crowds, blocked immigrants and visa holders from seven majority-Muslim countries, called his decision "a ban" and then became angry at the media for calling it a ban, began the steps for ending Obamacare with nothing at all to replace it, and spoke about Frederick Douglass as if he were still alive.

It's remarkable how much a person can do in just a couple weeks. 

Back then, before the disaster of the last two weeks, Clara asked me questions about the Lincoln Memorial. We looked at some photos. Apparently she did some more looking on her own, and yesterday, she built this from memory.

The Lincoln Memorial. In blocks.

Her only regret: "I couldn't make the 50 steps that I know it has. I just didn't have the right blocks."

Resolution update: January 2017

1. Don’t die.

Still alive and kicking. 

2. Lose 20 pounds.

I lost one pound in January. Not exactly a good start.

3. Do at least 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups five days a week.

Done. 

4. Practice yoga at least three days a week for at least 15 minutes each day.

I haven't started on this goal yet. I really should.

5. Take the stairs whenever I am ascending or descending five flights or less.

Done! Even though I don't work in a building with an elevator, it turns out that I run into elevators more often than I thought. Parking garages, especially, and each time, I took the stairs and am happy I did.

WRITING CAREER

6. Complete my sixth novel before the end of 2017.

I'm waiting for a decision on what book I will be writing. I have a few options and am awaiting thoughts from my agent and editor. 

7. Complete my first middle grade/YA novel.

The sale of my first middle grade/YA novel will hopefully take place soon (keep your fingers crossed!), and with that sale, work on this book will commence. 

8. Write at least three new picture books, including one with a female, non-white protagonist. 

Two new ideas added to the growing list of ideas, but no progress as of yet. 

9. Complete a book on storytelling.

I'm still waiting for this book to sell. When it does, work will commence.

10. Write a new screenplay.

No progress. 

11. Write a musical.

No progress.

12. Submit at least five Op-Ed pieces to The New York Times for consideration.

No progress.

13. Write a proposal for a nonfiction book related to education.

I'm taking notes on one idea as the school year progresses, and I have several other ideas that I am expanding into paragraph summaries. Work on this will likely commence at the end of the school year. 

14. Submit one or more short stories to at least three publishing outlets.

No progress.

15. Select three behaviors that I am opposed to and adopt them for one week, then write about my experiences on the blog.

No progress. Also, I'm in need of behaviors. Last year I tried backing into parking spaces, daily affirmations, and bottle flipping.

Thoughts for this year?

16. Increase my author newsletter subscriber base to 1,600.

I grew my list by 37 subscribers in January to 1,321. If I continue at this pace, I will exceed 1,600 by the end of the year. 

17. Write at least six letters to my father.

No progress,   

18. Convert Greetings Little One into a book.

No progress. 

19. Record one thing learned every day in 2017.

Done! My favorite thing learned in January is this:

Mayer–Rokitansky–Küster–Hauser syndrome is named after four men born in 1787, 1804, 1879, and 1921 respectively. It's a condition by which a woman is born without a uterus and vagina. 

It also needs a new name.

STORYTELLING

20. Produce a total of 12 Speak Up storytelling events.

We produced three shows January: Real Art Ways, Infinity Hall, and a special Martin Luther King, Jr. Day show in conjunction with West Hartford Public Schools and Solomon Schechter Day School.  

21. Deliver a TED Talk.

I've pitched talks to four organizers. Waiting for responses. 

22. Attend at least 15 Moth events with the intention of telling a story.

I attended one Moth StorySLAM at The Bell House in January. My name was sadly not drawn from the hat. 

23. Win at least three Moth StorySLAMs.

No progress. Didn't get to tell a story in January. 

24. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.

No progress. I compete in the NYC GrandSLAM in February. 

25. Produce at least 50 episodes of my new podcast Live Better.

I pulled down my first episode after receiving feedback from a friend who works in radio. I'm currently re-recording with a slightly different format. 

26. Perform stand up at least once in 2016. 

A local stand up venue has invited me to perform. I'm getting my material ready. 

27. Write a one-person show.

The "writing" for this has been going surprising well and is nearly complete. I don't actually write the show but work it out in my mind and then record finished sections.

Even better, a theater may be interested in having me perform.  

NEW PROJECTS

28. Explore the option of teaching a college class.

No progress.   

29. Cook at least 12 good meals (averaging one per month) in 2016.

No progress.

30. Plan a 25 year reunion of the Heavy Metal Playhouse.

No progress.

MISCELLANEOUS

31. I will stand in vocal opposition to every negative comment made about age disparities between male and female romantic couplings because I choose to respect a woman’s choices of romantic partner regardless of their age or the age of their partner.

Done. I had one opportunity to do so in January and did so with great aplomb.  

32. I will report on the content of speech during every locker room experience via social media in 2017.   

Done. I summarized a week of locker room experiences at one point but did not miss a chance to report on the content of the speech in January.

Not surprising, I heard no man bragging about sexually assaulting women.  

33. I will stop presenting the heteronormative mother-and-father paradigm as the default parental paradigm when speaking to my children and my students.

Done. Not as hard as I thought. I switched over to "parents" in January and haven't slipped yet.     

34. I will not comment, positively or negatively, about physical appearance of any person save my wife and children, in 2017 in an effort to reduce the focus on physical appearance in our culture overall. 

I insulted a student's Pittsburg Steelers jersey during the week of the AFC Championship game. I think this counts as a comment about physical appearance, and yet it still seems justified to me. Otherwise I was a success. 

35. Surprise Elysha at least six times in 2016.

No progress.   

36. Replace the 12 ancient, energy-inefficient windows in our home with new windows that will keep the cold out and actually open in the warmer months.

No progress. I can feel the heat creeping out of the windows by the second.   

37. Optimize our television for a streaming service. 

No progress. 

38. Set a new personal best in golf.

No progress until the snow goes away. 

39. Play poker at least six times in 2016.

No progress.

40. Spend at least six days with my best friend of more than 25 years.

No progress. 

41. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog on the first day of every month.

Done!

9 Specific Steps to Standing Against Donald Trump

1. Always remember and constantly remind others that Donald Trump became President by losing the popular vote and winning the Electoral College by the fourth slimmest margin in American history. About 25% of Americans voted him into office. And he managed this victory with help from the Russians, who decided that he was their preferred candidate. 

This is important because Trump has been dominating the headlines day after day and will continue to do so. Add to this a Republican Congress and it's easy to believe that you are in the minority and that there is little hope of turning America back on a progressive path. None of this is true. You must remember this and (more importantly) remind others of this whenever possible. People are struggling and need hope. These facts offer a desperately needed dose of perspective.

2. Do not insult Trump voters or supporters. Avoid name calling at all costs. Remember what Michelle Obama advised us to do:

When they go low, we go high.

Insulting Trump supporters only serves to divide us further, and this is not good. It's what Donald Trump wants. It's easier for him to govern when America is divided. Insult Donald Trump all you want, but respect your fellow Americans. They have made a terrible and dangerous choice, but there may come a day when they will begin to question Donald Trump and his decisions. On that day, you want to be available to them absent any former hostility or malice.   

3. Do not allow Donald Trump or his supporters to steal love of country away from us. Hold on tightly to words like "patriotism." Do not allow them to make the American flag or the steadfast support of our military their own. Assert your love for flag and country, your support of our servicemen and women, and your patriotic ideals whenever possible. Bring American flags to marches and rallies. Shake the hands of veterans and those currently serving in our military. Call yourself a patriot. Donald Trump wants to paint his opponents as subversive, weak, and un-American. We must make it clear that we love our country just as much as any other American.    

4. No matter what Trump does in the coming days and months, remember these things that he is desperate for us to forget:

Donald Trump has not released his tax returns despite repeated promises that he would, as every other President has done for the last 40 years. Regardless of what he says, more than 75% of Americans (including more than half of Republicans) still want him to do so. His refusal to release his tax returns in the face of these staggering numbers indicates that he is hiding something embarrassing and potentially damaging. We must not stop reminding people of this campaign promise not kept.Donald Trump is a sex offender or a person who believes that pretending to be a sex offender is an effective means of making other men like him. This is embarrassing for Trump and cannot be forgotten. Men do not speak like Donald Trump did on that Access Hollywood recording, regardless of what he would have you believe. Remind people of this incident. Do not allow it to be pushed into the past.Donald Trump established a fake university that stole millions from Americans. As a result, he was forced to pay a multi-million dollar settlement. He tried like hell to hide this settlement by announcing it on a Friday night in the midst of the whirlwind of other news. Don't allow this to happen.Donald Trump won the election with the help of the Russians who decided that he was their preferred candidate. This is no longer speculation. Trump himself has acknowledged it. Never let him forget it.  Donald Trump failed to create a blind trust or divest in his business interests as promised and as every other President has done before him. 

5. Support legitimate news sources like the New York Times, the Washington Post, Slate, and more. One of Donald Trump's most dangerous acts has been to undermine faith in legitimate media outlets that threaten to expose him for who he truly is. Thankfully, Americans have responded by subscribing to these legitimate news sources in record numbers. We must continue to support these journalists. They are the people who will investigate Trump and hold him accountable at every turn. Trump undermines the press because he is afraid of them. He has much to hide. 

6. Limit your time spent on social media. It is too easy to become consumed with politics while staring at Facebook and Twitter. Your health is too important to sacrifice it to the endless stream of posts and tweets. You have the time you need to do the things that will make you happy: exercise, meditate, play with your kids, dance in your underwear, or read a good book. You're just spending it on social media. Assign yourself a limit and then get the hell off. 

7. Call your Congresspeople. Call them often. Start by putting the names and numbers of your state Senators and Representative into your phone. Make it simple to call them, and then call often. You'll find yourself speaking to a staffer who is professional, attentive, and genuinely cares about what you have to say. Phone calls mean more to members of Congress than emails, letters, tweets, or Facebook posts.

8. Give credit where credit is due. For example, Trump agreed to extend Obama's 2014 executive order protecting lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people who work for federal contractors. He did so quietly, at 7:00 AM on a Tuesday, and never tweeted a word about it, but it's still a good decision. You cannot establish credibility if you aren't willing to recognize good decisions on Trump's part. The same holds true for Republican members of Congress. When they stand against Trump or his despicable policies, they must be credited for placing country ahead of party. 

9. Stay positive. I have become fond of saying that we are fortunate to be living in interesting times with real enemies to battle and defeat. While I would prefer to be living in a world where Donald Trump is not President, I have chosen to embrace the moment and stand in opposition to this man. This is not a Democrat-Republican fight for me. It is a battle against a narcissistic, erratic, indecent man who is dangerous for our country.

My father fought in Vietnam. This is my fight. 

A very sweet boy who wants to see your insides

We're so fortunate. Our children are truly beloved by so many of our friends. 

One of those friends is a woman named Kathy, who our four year-old son Charlie feels a special affection for.

A few nights ago, as my wife was tucking in Charlie, he said, "Kathy is my friend."

"I know," Elysha said.

"I have a grownup for a friend!" he said, sounding fairly astonished. A moment later, he asked, "Is Kathy a kid?"

Sweet boy. 

Last night Charlie informed me for the first time that he wants to be a doctor when he grows up. This is a change from his previous career plans of hydrologist or electrician. 

"That's great, Charlie," I said. 

"Yeah," he said. "I want to open people up so I can see what's inside."

Not quite as sweet.

The 5 Stages of an Author's Reaction to Editorial Notes

I just completed what might be the final edits to my next novel, The Other Mother. After turning in the manuscript to my editor, she returned it to me with editorial suggestions.

I considered the suggestions carefully, agreed with more than 90% of them, and made the changes. After reviewing my revisions, my editor returned it to me with another round of suggestions, and I repeated the process.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I think we might finally be done. 

The revision process is a good one. It always makes a book better. Typically, the suggestions made by my editor cut away the chaff, help to strengthen themes, and bring greater clarity to character and scenes.

But it's also a process fraught with emotion. I don't always agree with my editor's suggestions. Occasionally I am baffled by her ideas. Confused by her thoughts. Annoyed by her comments Every now and then, I am appalled at what she has recommended. 

I've broken this emotional response down into 5 stages.   

Gratitude: My editor has saved me from a lifetime of embarrassment. I am so stupid. A truly terrible writer. An imposter. I can't believe that she still wants to publish this book. I can't believe that she's still willing to talk to me. I have the best editor on the planet. 

Contentment: A good suggestion. A solid choice on my editor's part. So happy to have her on my side. 

Ambivalence: Fine. I mean, it could go either way, but fine. I can make that change. I'm a fairly agreeable soul. 

Acquiescence: No way. It ain't happening. I mean... if she really feels strongly about this one, I might be able to find a way to agree. Or at least meet her somewhere in the middle. I don't love the idea, but it's not like she's asking me to cut off my hand. Still, I think my way is better.

 Refusal: Does she have any idea how long I spent crafting that sentence? That paragraph? What chapter? There is no way in hell I am changing a single word of that section. She must've been drunk when she was editing this page.

Happily, about 95% of all of my editors suggestions fall into one of the first three stages.  

But that final 5% can really hurt. 

This hateful Muslim Ban must end now.

Anne Frank would be a 77-year-old woman living in the United States today, but she and her family were denied entry to our country as refugees because of a fear of European immigrants during World War II.

This hateful, bigoted Muslim ban must be lifted. Refugees are some of the most hard working, patriotic people in America today. Denying them access to safety and opportunity in their time of need is the least Christian and most immoral act imaginable.

Right now there are hundreds of Syrian refugees in airports around the world who have undergone months of intense vetting and sold all their worldly possessions in order to purchase plane tickets for America but have now been stopped by Trump's Muslim ban.

International students throughout the United States are now prevented from returning home to visit family lest they be barred from coming back to America to finish their studies.

Iranian film director Asghar Farhadi won't be let into the United States to attend the Academy Awards even though he's nominated for best foreign language film.

This is an inhumane and unnecessary decision by a bigoted President who has never experienced poverty or violence in his life. It tarnishes America's position as a moral leader of the world. It is an embarrassment to Americans everywhere.

I lost a "friend" this week in an interesting, baffling, and amusing way

A few years ago, I met a man in a workshop that I conducted for would-be authors on finding a literary agent. He was earnest, enthusiastic, and hopeful. He liked the workshop a great deal. He later became a friend on Facebook and would occasionally attend my storytelling shows. 

Last week, I received an email from this man that began:

“Hello Matthew,

I just unfriended you. Bye bye. I suggest you spend a little time with the Constitution before your next social blovation.”

He went onto explain that he does not like Donald Trump but considers Hillary Clinton a career criminal undeserving of my vote. There was more to his argument that I didn't read, but he ended by telling me that he has helplessly watched American exceptionalism atrophy over the eight years. "Now it's your turn. Suck it up."

I am fascinated by this email for a few reasons:

1. He opens the email in such an insulting and demeaning way, but then goes on for quite some time explaining why Clinton is bad and Trump is palatable. If he genuinely wanted to teach me something about Hillary Clinton or help me to understand his opinions, why open with such an offensive, off-putting greeting? I honestly didn't bother to read the bulk of the following paragraph simply because his first few statements made it clear that he was not engaged in thoughtful rhetoric.

2. The "Bye bye" is also interesting. I think it's meant to be condescending, but instead, it comes across (at least to me) as childish. Anything but serious. It's an unfortunate rhetorical choice that strikes me as petulant and angry and in no way helps his cause.

3. The most surprising aspect of his email is simply the fact that he has chosen to unfriend me because of what I have written about the President. Frankly, this kind of astounds me. I have been exceedingly careful to avoid insulting or even criticizing Trump supporters while writing about the President. I stand in opposition to Donald Trump's administration, but I have not attacked the people who voted for him. I have even gone out of my way to explain to some people why fundamentally decent and rational people might have voted for such a fundamentally indecent and irrational candidate.

Disagreeing with my positions on our President and his policies is fine. But why does this person - and so many others - take this difference of opinion so personally? It was not uncommon for me to find myself in the company of someone who did not support Obama while he was President. I was not opposed to listening to their opinions. I was not offended when I learned that they felt differently than me. I oftentimes thought that they were wrong. Misguided. Misinformed. Even dishonest in the deployment of fact. Perhaps even racist on occasion. But their views were not an attack on me personally.  

I found this level of anger directed at me for the expression of my opinions bizarre. After all, I wrote the words. Just don't read them.

4.  Facebook's unfriend feature does not require an email notification. Why not simply unfriend me and move on? Why send me a condescending, insulting email that would most assuredly do nothing by way of enlightening me? Did it make him feel good to spout off? Or why not simply hide my posts? I have hidden the posts of friends and even family members when their level of vitriol exceeds tolerable levels or they attack a group of people to whom my friends or I belong.

Never would I waste my time firing off an angry email in addition to unfriending someone. A thoughtful, rhetorically rational email? Perhaps. But even then, if I was unfriending the person, that's probably enough to turn them off to anything else I might say.

Happily, this email gave me something to think and write about, so it wasn't all bad. It was even a little entertaining. Slightly amusing. 

I don't think that was his intent, but when you use words like "bloviation" (spelled wrong in his email) and phrases like "Bye bye" and "Suck it up," it really can't be helped.