Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 185

Compliments?

I hear from readers and listeners and audience members every day. Most are kind and thoughtful, even when they are also challenging or ornery or disagreeable.

Some of the things written to me bring me to tears. They are messages that I will save for the rest of my life.

Sometimes trolls visit me, too. Small, angry, vicious little creatures who think they might be able to hurt me with their frequently misspelled words, grammatically challenged sentences, and unoriginal attacks.

I almost always find them amusing, and I almost always ignore them.

Then there are the messages from readers or listeners that might be a compliment, but I’m not sure. I find these the most intriguing of all. The kind of stuff that rolls around in my head for days.

Below are five recent examples of these questionable compliments:

“Sir, you are a chaos magnet. Not that you didn't know that.”

“I only know a couple of people who are strong enough and dumb enough to truly not care what other people think. You’re one of them. The other one is my father. We haven’t spoken in years.”

"I find your brilliant obstinacy (not to be confused with stubbornness) darkly delicious.”

“Some days I wish I was your friend. Other days I wish you would just go away. Even though I’m the one who visits your blog every day. I could just stop clicking on the link, but I don’t. I love a lot of what you think and write. Still, I sometimes just wish you’d go away.”

“Slow down. Your productivity is annoying and offensive and threatening to us all.”

Complimentary? Perhaps. But it’s hard to tell. Right?

Deep Impact is a stupid movie

I know it was released in 1998, but boy is Deep Impact a stupid film.

It you don’t remember, Deep Impact and Armageddon both came out in 1998 - two months apart - and featured planet-killing asteroids threatening the Earth. Armageddon earned more than $200 million while Deep Impact brought in about $140 million.

That’s astounding considering how terribly written Deep Impact was.

Watching the last 45 minutes of the film on the treadmill last week, it was very clear why this movie failed to beat Armageddon at the box office and, more importantly, why it failed to have any significant after life on television or other secondary markets.

The movie kills all the wrong people. Constantly. And purposelessly.

The list of deaths just within the last 30 minutes of the film include:

A blinded father on a spaceship whose baby boy was born while he was in space, and who he will never see because he is blind and about to die. It’s bad enough that he is going to die without ever holding his child in his arms, but did the writers really need to blind him, too?

Parents of an infant who must hand their baby son over to their teenage daughter and her boyfriend so they can outrun a giant wave on a motorcycle.

The film’s tangential star, Tea Leoni, and her father, standing together on the edge of the Atlantic, reconciled just in time for the wave can wipe them out together.

Leoni’s last line is, “Daddy…”

Of course this movie failed to gain any traction in the post box office mediums. There is nothing to be happy about at the end of this film. All we have left is a bunch of parent-less infants and a purposeless death of the film’s star.

It sucks.

Armageddon is smart. Not in terms of science or even plot, but in terms of managing audience emotions. You feel good after watching Armageddon. Maybe a little bit stupider, too, but good.

And yes, Bruce Willis’s character dies at the end of the film, but he dies for a reason.

He saves the damn planet.

And though he also leaves a daughter behind, she’s a grown-ass woman. Not some helpless baby who will never know her father. Also, Willis saves his daughter’s future husband by taking his place on the asteroid.

Deep Impact ends with the President of the United States, standing before a decimated US Capitol. promising to rebuild.

Armageddon ends with a wedding and an Aerosmith song.

I’m not saying that characters can’t die in films. Just allow them to die for a reason. Allow their deaths to mean something. And don’t give them infants and toddlers unless it’s absolutely necessary to the plot.

Otherwise, people will watch your movie once and never want to watch it again.

Like Deep Impact.

A very stupid movie.

Definition of guilt

I saw a definition of guilt online that I really did not like (and I wish I had saved it), so I wrote my own:

Guilt is the space between self-blame - justifiable or otherwise - and forgiveness of self. It is - at its very worst - the chasm between self-hatred and self-love.

Washington Post!

Thrilled to see that my next novel, "Twenty-one Truths About Love," was listed in the Washington Post's list of "The 18 books to read this fall!"

A book comprised entirely of lists appearing on this prestigious list of books made my day.

Hemingway's Robert Jordan and his last words

I’m not going to die, of course, but in a hypothetical world where death would come for even me, I think that some of the last words of Hemingway’s Robert Jordan in For Whom the Bell Tolls would be the perfect epitaph:

"The world is a fine place and worth the fighting for and I hate very much to leave it."

Kind of perfect set of words.

Not that I’ll ever need them.

James Corden was brilliant for a reason everyone failed to see

James Corden’s segment taking on Bill Maher and the fat shaming comments he made on his HBO show Real Time have garnered enormous attention in recent days, and justifiably so. Corden’s criticism is brilliant. He’s hilarious, honest, vulnerable, compelling, and utterly convincing.

As a bit of rhetoric, it has almost everything.

But the best part of Corden’s piece has gone glaringly unnoticed:

Corden is kind. Rather than attacking Bill Maher, he makes a genuine attempt to reach out to the man and change his mind. Corden assumes good intentions. He credits Maher for wanting to help. He doesn’t portray Maher as a deliberate, judgmental monster but as a human being who has missed the point.

He argues that Bill Maher was egregiously incorrect in this instance, but he doesn’t argue that Maher is a bad person.

Yes, Corden lands some comedic punches in the process, but those are clearly made in jest, and I suspect that Maher will recognize them for what they are:

Jokes. Jokes made at his expense, but not the kind of jokes meant to really hurt.

Corden’s commentary is brilliant for all the reasons people have stated, but its genius comes his ability to attack Bill Maher’s opinion while simultaneously being a kind and decent to Maher himself.

We need more of this in today’s world.

The sad thing is that much of the reaction to Corden’s commentary has been the opposite of kindness and decency. On social media, people have responded with scathing ad hominem attacks directed at Maher. They tweet vile, incendiary comments about Bill Maher and demand that HBO terminate his employment. They are doing exactly what Corden so skillfully avoids, which is unfortunate and also ridiculous because here is the truth about Bill Maher’s commentary on obesity:

Until James Corden spoke out - six full days after Bill Maher’s comments - not a word was spoken about Maher’s bit.

Until Corden pointed out Maher’s egregious commentary on his own show, no one had any problem with Maher’s segment, myself included. I listened to the show the next morning via podcast, thought he made an amusing but unoriginal point about obesity in America, and moved on, never thinking about how that segment might impact an obese person and how wrongheaded it was.

Corden opened my eyes, and perhaps with the kindness and decency embedded in his commentary, he will open Maher’s, too.

But for every person on the Internet who is attacking Maher for his comments, I will remind them that they were silent for six days. They had no issue with Bill Maher’s comments. They had moved on in complicit silence - like me - until James Corden came along so brilliantly and gracefully.

So do us all a favor, Internet denizens who so gleefully pile on whenever possible:

Take a lesson from the grace and decency of James Corden and shut the hell up.

Bacon!

After 21 years of teaching, I have finally encountered the greatest mid-morning snack that a student has ever brought to school:

A bag of bacon.

That’s it. Just a big old bag of bacon.

Impressive. Right?

Trump has achieved a new low.

I realize that pointing out the stupidity or amorality or narcissism of Donald Trump is like reminding people that the sun rises and sets every day, but occasionally he says or does something that rises to the level of incomprehensibility.

Yesterday, Trump tweeted this:

Did you see what he did?

Trump quoted himself complimenting himself, and then he thanked himself for that quoted self-compliment.

That’s insane.

The constant, incessant self-praise is a clear sign of a man whose ego is both disturbingly large and exceedingly fragile. It reeks of sadness and desperation. I’ve never met anyone in my life so desperate for praise that they were willing to compliment themselves in such a publicly embarrassing, never-ending way.

If he wasn’t a racist hobgoblin who steals children from poor people and brags about his serial sexual assault, I’d be compelled to offer the guy a hug.

All of this is bad enough. It also explains why he famously has no friends other than those of a transactional nature. Who would want to spend any meaningful time with someone like this?

But then to quote yourself - to quote your own self-praise of yourself - and then thank yourself for that self-praise… to the entire world?

If this had been any other human being, I would rightfully assume that a medical team was on route to determine if the person in question had suffered from a stroke.

But no, this is Donald Trump. Sadly, it was bizarre and sad and stupid and truly disturbing, but also just a Saturday morning.

I'm not stopping.

I’ve always thought that “No right turn on red” signs were stupid and therefore entirely optional.

I’m sure there is some reason why particular intersections have been deemed too dangerous to allow right turns on red, but I’m also sure that this is nonsense. Not unlike the addition of a four-way stop signs at an intersection following an accident.

Just because one moron can’t drive safely doesn’t mean that we all need to stop for now and ever more.

But last night, while driving Elysha and her parents home from a show, I took a right on red and my father-in-law said, “You know, you could get a ticket for that.”

“For what?” I asked.

“Taking that right on red without stopping first”.

The right turn in question was at a three-way intersection. I was traveling on a main road and turned right on red onto the intersecting road. But there was no road opposite of my intersecting road where another car might be coming.

“I have to stop my car before taking a right on red?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said.

My mother-in-law concurred.

The Internet also agrees. It’s a law.

Fascinating. I’ve been driving for 30 years and have never once adhered to this rule, which leads me to ask:

If I’ve been failing to stop before taking a right turn on red for 30 years without being ticketed, should I assume that I’m good for another 30 years, or should I acknowledge that I’ve been pushing my luck and conform to the law?

I’m going with the former, of course. While I certainly look to see if there is oncoming traffic before turning right on red, there is no way in hell that I’m going to start coming to a complete stop if it’s not necessary, particularly after three decades of avoiding the law.

Do people really do this? Do they really come to a complete stop? I’ll be watching now to see.

And if I’m turning right on red at a three-way intersection, where there can’t be any oncoming traffic (because there is no road), I’m definitely not stopping or even looking before turning.

Like I did last night.

This is because to stop and look to ensure that another automobile isn’t approaching from that stand of maple trees or that field of wildflowers or that school playground, or in the case of last night’s turn, that residential home, would be insane.

Three strange medical stories

In the spirit of “If something strange is going to happen, it’s probably going to happen to me” comes three medical anomalies that have occurred to me in just the last seven years.

I receive the pneumonia vaccine.

Did you even know that the pneumonia vaccine existed? I didn’t, and most people don’t. But after having contracted pneumonia four times over the course of ten years, my doctor said to me, “I’m going to give you the pneumonia vaccine.”

“The pneumonia vaccines?” I said. ‘I’ve never heard of the pneumonia vaccine.”

“Of course you haven’t,” my doctor replied. “It’s a shot we give to elderly women . And now you.”

A bunch of old ladies and me. Of course.

I get tubes put into my ears.

For reasons that no doctor could ever explain, my left ear began getting blocked with fluid a couple years ago. After having it cleared twice without success, my ENT recommended that I get tubes in my ears.

“The kinds you put in kids’ ears?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said. “Those.”

It hurt like hell while he was putting the tubes in, so I asked, “How do you do this to kids without them flipping out?”

“Oh, We put them to sleep,” he said.

After suggesting that maybe I could’ve been put to sleep, too, I asked him how many adults get tubes put into their ears.

“I think you’re my first,” he said. “This never happens to adults.”

Of course.

I contract canine scabies.

About seven years ago, our now-deceased dog, Kaleigh, contracted canine scabies, which is an impossibility in itself since contracting them requires a dog to come in contact with an animal with scabies. Usually a fox or squirrel or some other wild animal. Kaleigh was never off a leash, and she never came in contact with any wild animal that I can recall, so how she managed to contract the scabies will forever be a mystery.

However, we had no idea that she had canine scabies. When rashes began appearing on all of us (including newborn Charlie), we feared that it was bed bugs. We had multiple bed bug companies come into our home to inspect, and the opinions differed amongst the experts,.

It was a summer of hell.

Eventually, Elysha took the kids to her parents to escape, and I was left to await bed bug treatment when I happened to bring Kaleigh to the vet for a routine visit, and the doctor diagnosed canine scabies almost immediately. There were so many live scabies on her body, in fact, that I was then asked to bring a sample of her hair and skin to the Connecticut Department of Agriculture, who had never seen a live sample before (and doubted that they were even scabies until putting them under a microscope).

It was quite a visit.

Kaleigh’s treatment was two weeks of heart worm pills, which killed the scabies almost immediately, but the humans reported to the dermatologist for treatment

I asked the vet if I could just take the heart worm pills, too, and he said, “I might, but I can’t recommend it for you.”

The dermatologist examined our skin. On Elysha and the kids, the rashes were caused by the contact of scabies to their skin, as expected. An application of some head-to-toe cream several times would clear up the problem.

But on my body, and especially my forearms, the scabies had actually burrowed into my skin.

Nice. Huh?

The doctor then asked if she could take photos of my skin.

“Why?” I asked.

“You’re the first human being we’ve ever seen who has live canine scabies under the skin like this. We didn’t think it was possible. These picture will probably end up in a medical journal.”

Of course.