Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 142

Writer gifts

Readers of a popular email-based newsletter recently submitted gift ideas for the writers in your life.

I had thoughts.

Best gift for writers: Nothing original about a Moleskine notebook, but it works for anyone who can’t resist jotting down thoughts, ideas, research, etc. I love to receive one and they are not expensive! —Henry Brown

Moleskine notebooks are expensive. Not exorbitantly priced but more expensive than nearly every other notebook on the planet. Also, the perceived preciousness of a Moleskine notebook is a little tiresome.

The Moleskine notebook is the equivalent of the skier who doesn’t remove the tags from their coat in order to let the whole damn world know how often they hit the slopes.

It’s the notebook for the the person who wants to look like they write.

There is not room for preciousness in the brutal trenches of a writer’s life.

GrammarStuff.com: original plates and mug designs emblazoned with grammar rules. So cute! —Carey Henry Keefe

I can only speak for myself, but I don’t want grammar rules emblazoned on my plates, and I can’t imagine any writer that would.

Do coal miners want images of coal dust etched on their dinner plates?

Do seamstresses want needle and thread displayed on their mugs?

Do plumbers want toilets emblazoned on their cereal bowls?

I doubt it. Same goes for writers with grammar rules. The last thing we want to see when we’re relaxing is a grammar rule.

And what about the other people eating off these plates? Even if I thought this was a good idea, would Elysha Dicks want to spend the next decade reading about the hazards of the passive voice while eating her dinner?

Also, is there anyone who wants to read the same grammar rule every time they sit down for dinner?

So far the best received gift has been a bottle of Irish whiskey called Writers’ Tears. —Rob Mountford

This is not a gift for writers. This is a gift for people who like to drink who also happen to write.

Gift card to their favorite hangout or coffee shop. Ten bucks will get you one afternoon’s worth of joe and some quiet time. —Nikki Brock

Most writers write at home. Most people who want to be someday be writers write in coffee shops.

Best gift for writer? Time. Give a writer time to work on a project. As simple as handling a couple of chores so the writer can keep working or as generous as paying some or all of the fees for a retreat or B&B or cottage so they can escape to write. —Ruth E. Walker

Time. Yes. Mow a writer’s lawn. Take their kids to the museum. Paint their fence. Time is a beautiful gift for everyone, including writers.

But writing retreats? Bed & breakfasts? Cottages? If you want to write, you don’t need any of these things. If you want to use writing as an excuse to enjoy an overly pampered weekend getaway, go right ahead. But if you want to write, you don’t need a cottages and picnic baskets to do it.

A salt lamp for the writing desk with a bottle of essential oil to sprinkle on it when it’s turned on. It sets a nice mood and smells good! (Turn it on to write, then turn it off when I’m done. It’s become part of my writing routine.) —Angela Eckhart

A don’t understand any of this.

Hands down, AquaNotes: I get some of my best ideas in the shower, and this handy item suction-cups to the shower wall, with a pencil, and keeps me from having to remember a plot point while I’m washing, rinsing, and repeating. —Dina Santorelli

While it’s true that many ideas come to me in the shower, I am also able to retain these ideas for the five minutes I need to rinse off before exiting the shower and popping the note into my phone. This gift only serves to prolong showers, which is a waste of time and the perfect way to kick the planet in the teeth by wasting more hot water than necessary.

Want to give a writer an excellent gift?

Offer to read their work. Be honest, specific, and most importantly, kind.

Enroll them in a writing workshop – in person or virtually. Give them a chance to share their work with someone who knows a little something and folks like them who adore the craft.  Hire an author to spend an hour with them – in person or via Zoom – answering questions and offering advice. The chance to speak to a published author early in my career would have been invaluable.

If they are published, rate and leave a review of their book or books on any or all of the social media and bookish platforms.

Give their books as holiday gifts.

Take over a chore for a day, a week, a month, or a season so that they have the time needed to write.

If you genuinely want to help a writer with their craft, these gifts will be a lot more helpful than any fancy notebook, essential oil, or bottle of themed whiskey.

I promise.

The 4 Best Gifts in the World

With Black Friday is behind us, perhaps you have a few folks still left on your shopping list.

If so, allow me to  offer my annual gift giving guide to the four best presents that you can gift someone.

I promise you that they are far superior to any cashmere sweater, shiny trinket, or electronic doo-dad that you’re thinking of buying.

Time

The best gift of all is the gift of time, and it’s not a terribly difficult or expensive gift to give. In the past, Elysha has hired people to cut the grass, rake the leaves, and shovel the driveway, thus returning this precious time to me.

Remove an hour of obligation from my life, and I am a happy man.

Other options include things like babysitting my children, bringing my car to the shop to get that lock on the back door repaired, determining the contents of the boxes in my attic, correcting my multiplication tests for a month, or offering to complete any task or chore that I would otherwise be forced to do myself.

Your friend or loved one’s list would be different, of course Hopefully it doesn’t include a broken lock or mystery boxes in your attic. But I’m sure you can think of things that they would rather not do that you are more than capable of accomplishing on their behalf.

I know this sounds crazy to some people. They say things to me like:

“Matt, I’d rather mow my own grass and receive that cashmere sweater.”

“I’d rather correct a mountain of spelling tests and unwrap a brand new iPad on my birthday.”

“I’m more than happy to shovel my driveway. Give me that new Fitbit/star finder/water purification device that I have wanted for months.”

I’m sorry, but I think you’re wrong. I know it may seem presumptuous to tell you what you or your loved one may want, but trust me. The difference between what you want and what you think you want could not be more different.

I promise you that when you are lying on your death bed, surrounded by all of your material possessions – your stuff – your greatest regret will be the time you could’ve spent doing things. Seeing people. Experiencing the world. At that moment, the gift of time will mean more to you than anything else.

It should mean just as much today. Don’t wait until it’s too late to appreciate it.

Also, it’s very unlikely that you need any more clothing or jewelry or electronics. You could probably do without the device that clips to your belt or fastens to your handlebars or makes imaginary things explode when you click the right combination of buttons.

The thing you should crave – more than anything else – is time.

Knowledge

Coming in a close second to time (and in many ways its first cousin) is the gift of knowledge. Find a way to teach me to do something that I’ve always wanted to do but haven’t been able to learn.

Either teach me yourself or find someone who can do it for you.

We all go through life wishing that we could do more. Accomplish more. Achieve more. This is a gift that would allow a friend or loved one to take one small step closer to those dreams.

For me, it’s meant sending Elysha to a cooking or art class. Hiring her a ukulele teacher.

For Elysha, it’s meant buying me an hour with a professional poker player or lessons with a golf instructor.

In these instances, we walk away with nothing material but something far more valuable:

The gift of knowledge. The acquisition of a skill. A slight improvement in an area that means a great deal to us.

Far more valuable than a pretty scarf or a new gadget. And now that so much as moved online, finding experts in a variety of fields is only a Zoom call away. Charlie is taking guitar lessons via Zoom. My friend is taking personalized yoga classes via the internet. Bringing a high quality instructor into your home has never been easier.

My list of things that I want to learn include:

Hitting my driver longer and more consistentlyUsing online educational resources like Prodigy and Freckle more effectively in the classroomTake better photographsDesigning my YouTube channel to maximize all of the features available to me

Again, your friend of loved one’s list will of course be different, but if you find the thing they want to learn, it can be an extraordinary gift.

Experience

This one is simple and spoken about often. Want to make me happy? Send me to a Broadway show. Get me tickets to a Yankees game. Bring me to see a comedian who I love. Purchase tickets to a concert.

This is admittedly more challenging in the midst of a pandemic depending upon your friend or loved one’s comfort level in crowds, but there are plenty of outdoor events and even online opportunities to enjoy. For my birthday, Elysha hired a world renown magician to perform on Zoom for me and our friends. It was remarkable.

It doesn’t take much to create a memorable and unique experience for a person. You won’t have anything to show for the experience once it’s done except the memories of the moment, but that is always better than the stuff that clutters our homes.

Studies repeatedly show that money spent on experiences generates far greater happiness than money spent on things. But we know this already.

Right?

An afternoon spent biking with your kids or a weekend with your friends at the beach or an evening spent sitting beside your wife at a concert are always better than the thing inside the box with the bow.

We’re fools if we think otherwise.

Nostalgia

This is new to my list, but it should’ve been included for a long, long time. In some ways, it’s also a close cousin to the gift of time because it amounts to the past presented in a new and interesting way. A return or a resurrection of days gone by. A dip into the waters of your youth.

Three years ago, my workplace birthday buddy surprised me with a lunch with former colleague who retired a few years ago. For an hour in the middle of my school day, I was able to take a step back in time when my friend was still working alongside me. We ate, talked, and reminisced about the multitude of moments we spent together.

It was my best workplace lunch ever. One of the best gifts that I’ve ever received.

Elysha has been giving me the gift of nostalgia for years, commissioning artists to paint images of the map of my Boy Scout camp, my childhood home, my grandparent’s home, my dog, and a shelf containing all of my book. A couple Christmases ago she gave me a Viewmaster Viewer, loaded with images of our family.

These are some of the best gifts that I have ever received. Important places and things reimagined and returned to my life, complete with the memories and joy that they once contained.

A couple years ago. my workplace birthday buddy surprised me with paintings of two photos that I had posted online earlier that summer. Small, artistic representations of moments that I remember so well.

An incredible and perfect gift. One that I will treasure for all my days.

Each time I look at these bits from the past, I am transported back to those days, and I’m reminded of all the happiness and goodness that accompanied these places and people.

These gift, particularly now in this upside down world, have been so important to me. Reminders of what once was and what will someday be again.

Time, Knowledge, Experience, and Nostalgia.

If you still have someone on your holiday shopping list or you simply want to make someone in your life happy, give one of these a try.

They truly are the best gifts a person can receive, even if they don’t know it yet.

Paul Gosar is a coward.

Here’s the thing about Congressman Paul Gosar’s recent tweeting of his head on an anime character, killing Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and preparing to attack Joe Biden with swords:

It’s the act of a coward. A small, frightened, pathetic little boy.

Yes, it’s dangerous,. It risks inciting violence against his political opponents. It’s utterly indecent. It’s stupid. It’s infantile.

But it’s also the act of a damn coward.

I think it’s the word Gosar needs to hear the most.

Coward.

When a grown-ass man embraces and publicizes a cartoon depicting himself as someone with super powers who kills women who disagrees with him, he’s a coward. A whiny, pathetic coward.

Here’s the crazy thing:

If Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Paul Gosar somehow fought for real – not in Gosar’s demented fantasy cartoon but in real life – she would likely kick his ass.

Cowards seem to be in abundance these days.

If a Presidential candidate accuses your father of participating in the JFK assassination and calls your wife ugly on national television, then just weeks later you endorse him from President, you’re a damn coward.

If the electrical grid in the state for which you serve as Senator fails, leaving millions of your constituents without power and literally freezing to death, and you fly to Cancun to escape the cold, you’re a damn coward.

Of course, I’m referring to Texas Senator Ted Cruz, who has done both of these things.

Ted Cruz is also a damn coward. A whiney, pathetic, utterly transactional coward.

When you wound and kill unarmed protesters with an assault weapon, you’re a coward. When you drive your car into protesters, murdering a woman in the process, you’re a coward. When you shoot and kill an unarmed, 17 year old boy who is walking through your Florida neighborhood, you’re a coward.

It’s not difficult to find a coward these days.

Paul Gosar is a lot of things. Most of them are awful and pathetic. Just ask his siblings, who campaigned against him during the election and have repeatedly called for his impeachment.

They know him better than anyone.

There are many words to describe a low life like Paul Gosar, but let’s use the word “coward” whenever it’s warranted. It’s a good word. Accurate and pointed.

Most important, it’s not the kind of word a guy who murders his political opponents in a fictional cartoon universe probably wants to hear.

Boy in a Box

Charlie found a box. He loved the box. I broke down the box and threw it on Thanksgiving morning before our guests arrived.

Charlie was angry. Elysha told me he nearly cried.

I get it.

The one and only poem I ever published was about this very thing, inspired by an afternoon spend on a muddy hill with a large, cardboard box and my friend, David Dunne.

Save Your Money Next Time and Just Give Me the Box

Thank you Mother,
for the red, aerodynamic toboggan
that I found under the Christmas tree this morning,
with it’s chiseled runners and
precision steering wires.

But Mother dearest,
in the future,
please know that I have found nothing more exhilarating
than a steep, muddy hill
and a sturdy refrigerator box.

–  Matthew Dicks

Cruelty with a dimpled sphere

My retired friend, Rob, texted me this photo and message last week in an attempt to hurt me.

Before it was photos of golf, Rob used to send me photos from his many hikes during the school day in an attempt to hurt me. These were far less effective. Hiking aimlessly in the forest – often alone – sounds to me like a horrendous use of time. Granted, I was still toiling away in the mines and he wasn’t, but still… a view of a path through the forest was hardly envy inducing.

Also, his photos were often creepy and disturbing. Dead trees. Leaden skies. Trails to nowhere.

But this photo?

It worked. This photo hurt.

I was leaving a meeting, heading back to a classroom of fifth graders, when I saw this message. The image struck a real blow to my psyche, especially given that I can’t play any golf for three months thanks to my surgery.

But there was also this:

Rob was on the golf course because back in May, I finally convinced him to play the game. I lent him a set of my old golf clubs and dragged him to the golf course for his first round on a warm, spring day.

Since that day, he’s played more than 50 times this season. More than twice per week on average. I spent many a summer day playing golf with him.

I’m so happy to have brought such a glorious game into his life.

I did this for another friend almost a decade ago. He’s also found great joy in the game despite it bordering on an obsession at times.

It makes me supremely happy to know that I’ve altered the course of someone’s life in a positive, meaningful, lasting way, even if the only gratitude they can muster is a purposefully hurtful photo in the midst of a difficult work day.

He probably triple bogied the hole.

Happy and healthy

I asked my students to make lists of things for which they were thankful this year, then we spent some time talking about and sharing their lists on Wednesday.

Some were quite creative. One student included me on her digital list, but she typed my name in white so that I would not see it unless she wanted me to see it.

Another included a photo of a different Matthew Dicks – younger and better looking than me – on their list and asked what happen to me.

Clever children. Rotten, too.

This “thankful list” is something I’ve asked students to do for many years.

Here’s a difference that I noticed this year compared to previous years:

So many of my students included the health of themselves and their families on their lists this year. Many mentioned how thankful they are to still have living grandparents. Quite a few were thankful that COVID-19 had not touched their family directly.

A surprising number were thankful to simply be alive.

In prior years, things like health were simply assumed. Living grandparents were a given. Being alive was something never worth mentioning.

But this generation of children has lived through a lot. The pandemic has undoubtedly taken its toll. Any school administrator or teacher who thinks that we can relax our concern for the social and emotional wellbeing of these kids and return to pre-pandemic levels is making a terrible mistake.

This is a generation of children who will be living with the effects of the pandemic for a long, long time. They need as much support and love as we can muster every damn day. They need to feel safe and laugh a lot.

I like to think that living through this pandemic will make them stronger, wiser, and more appreciative for all of our blessings. I’m hoping that it will offer them greater perspective and a more nuanced outlook on the future.

But I suspect it’s also caused damage that will echo through their lives for decades. I hope not, but I think it’s likely.

Either way, I’m going to lean into the wisdom of my students and be especially thankful for our health this year. I’m still recovering from surgery and suffering some unexpected, very frustrating complications, but overall, I’m doing just fine. Slowly returning to my “healthy as a horse” status.

Elysha and several of my friends have battled COVID-19 during the pandemic, including some recent breakthrough cases, but all have thankfully survived and are back on their feet.

Clara and Charlie are healthy and happy.

My students have also been healthy and happy. My colleagues, too. We work in masks, keep as much distance from one another as possible, limit the spaces we travel inside of the school for contact tracing purposes, and continue to avoid things like assemblies and some field trips. Kids and staff are still quarantined when necessary, and many meetings still happen virtually, but learning continues. We work hard, laugh a whole bunch, and kids are receiving the support they need.

Health and life. That’s what so many of my students are grateful for this year, and so am I.

I hope you’re enjoying the same.

I’ll also add that this is often a hard time of year for those who have suffered loss. As friends and families gather, empty places at the table can make the holidays a little less festive and sometimes downright hard on many folks.

I understand this all too well.

Watch for those who might be silently suffering at this time of year. Encase them in warmth and love.

A different kind of wedding ceremony

On August 19, 2000, I was the DJ at the wedding of Matt Shepard and Kelly Shepard. Two years and 38 days later, Matt and Kelly attended the wedding of their friends, John and Becky. I was the DJ at that wedding, too. As the wedding came to a close, Matt and Kelly approached the DJ booth to say hello. We chatted for a while, then I invited them over to my home for some must-see TV. That simple invitation launched our friendship. Matt and Kelly’s marriage did not last, but our friendship endured. Matt and I soon became New England Patriots season ticket seat mates. Over the years, we have attended more than 200 games together, including 7 AFC championship games. We’ve played many a round of golf and many games of poker together. Matt is one of the very first readers of almost everything that I write. I’ve dedicated a book to him.  We’ve been friends for 20 years, but it sometimes feels like we have enough memories to fill twice that number of years. All of this leads to Veterans Day 2021. Despite their divorce, Kelly and Matt have remained good friends as they’ve raised their daughter, so Kelly and I have remained friendly as well. On Veterans Day, Kelly married her longtime boyfriend, Colton. I officiated the wedding. I’ve done some strange things in my time as a wedding DJ and minister. I’ve been the DJ and/or minister of the weddings of my ex-girlfriend, Elysha’s ex-boyfriend, and my ex-wife’s ex-husband.  I’ve officiated the wedding of my former second grade student.  I’ve officiated a wedding where the best man was a dog.  I’ve officiated a wedding for a couple who arrived to their ceremony in a helicopter. But this one might be the most unique of all. A Thursday evening wedding.Veterans Day.I was wearing jeans and a sweater to cover the abdominal brace from my recent surgery.I could barely stand.The bride was one of my closest friend’s ex-wife.The groom – oddly enough – was the bride’s ex-husband’s good friend, too. Turns out Colton and Matt are pals.The groom had a bowl of food in front of him during the ceremony and was eating less than a minute after I pronounced them husband and wife.Had I not been available to officiate the wedding, the backup minister would’ve been Kelly’s ex-father-in-law. Matt’s dad.  As I expressed at the ceremony, the wedding of Kelly and Colton was different in many ways, but in many ways, it was also better than many weddings I’ve attended in the past. Equally joyous, Equally important. Equally filled with happiness and love. Also a lot less formal and fussy. A hell of a lot more accepting of the unique ways that families can arrange and conduct themselves in this ever-changing world.  It’s always an honor to officiate a wedding. In addition to Kelly and Colton, I also had the honor of officiating the weddings of two colleagues this year. Both were just as lovely and unique. In one, the daughter of the bride stole the show with a remarkable reading of something she wrote herself. In the other, beer was tossed to guests by groomsmen who danced down the aisle ahead of the bride. One of the cans – the last one, of course – was dropped by the intended recipient. It hit the ground and split, spraying beer on the front row. The groomsman picked it up with surprising speed and grace, shotgunned the rest in seconds, and then moved on like he does this kind of thing every weekend. Pretty hilarious. Absolutely unforgettable. There’s nothing wrong with a traditional ceremony. In many ways, Elysha Dicks and I were married in a more traditional way.  The person who officiated our wedding was our friend and principal, who was ordained by the same online church as me.  The music – all Beatles songs – was played by our friends and music teachers.  Elysha and I wrote and recited our own vows and included a couple of Jewish traditions, and I later quoted a South Park character in a toast, referring to him (not entirely inaccurately) as a Jewish philosopher, but still, our wedding was fairly traditional. Also joyous and perfect and unforgettable. No dogs or helicopters or bowls of food at the ceremony. Actually, there was a dog. One of my in-law’s friends brought a small dog in her handbag, but that was neither planned nor appreciated.  Still, joyous and perfect and pretty traditional.  But it turns out that different is good, too. Pretty damn good, in fact. Congratulations Kelly and Colton.

Our great American shame

Government spending on child care each year according to the United Nations:

Norway: $29,000
Iceland: $24,000
Finland/Denmark: $23,000
Germany: $18,000

Average spending on childcare in developed nations: $14,400

United States: $500

Thankfully, when it comes to per pupil expenditures for education, the United States is doing much better.

Currently ranked #66 in the world, behind countries like Syria, Togo, Honduras, and Cuba.

Not exactly a stellar ranking, but hey… Not dead last. Right?

Let’s be clear:

We don’t care about children in this country. We pretend to care. We say we care. We may care about our own children, but we absolutely don’t care about children as a collective whole.

When it comes to putting our money where our mouth is, we don’t give a damn.

Paid family leave.
Universal preschool for all children.
Childcare subsidies.

These are all normal things in other developed nations. As ordinary as bridges and roads and sidewalks.

But in the United States, one of our two major political parties is hell-bent on preventing any of these things from existing. They label such notions as “socialism” and “communism” while sending their children to costly private schools that disproportionately serve white and higher-income families. They hire baby nurses and nannies to care for their children while fighting for tax cuts and exploiting specifically designed loopholes that prevent them from paying their fair share.

They do everything they possibly can to keep four year old children from having universal access to preschool. To prevent parents from taking the time off needed to care for a newborn. To limit parents’ access to affordable, high quality childcare before and after work.

The amount of money that we spend on children is a national disgrace. It is our great American shame.

In the words of  an emergency room nurse:

“Doesn’t the government understand that when they cut education, mental health, housing, and social supports, it all ends up in the ER?”

As a public school teacher for the last 24 years, I’ll add that it also often ends up in the public school classroom.

Honestly… what the hell are we doing?

If we can’t take care of children in this country because they are children who deserve all that we have to offer, can’t we at least recognize the return on investment that taking care of children will yield?

Are we really so callous and stupid?

Every thing doesn’t need to be a thing

This sign hangs in my classroom. My colleague, Steve, showed it to me two years ago. Over the summer, I commissioned an artist on Etsy to make a larger one.

We refer to it often.

I posted this photo on Instagram a few weeks ago, indicating that it’s a sign that my students and I discuss often and one I like very much.

One of the commenters asked what we might be talking about given that the sign is “classist and ableist.”

I did not engage.

I’m not opposed to change.

I’m happy to hear that the new James Bond will no longer a sexist pig and possibly a person of color.
I support (and often use) gender neutral restrooms.
I’m happy to embrace any pronoun that a person chooses for themself.
I’m trying like hell to be anti-racist.
I’ve marched with Black Lives Matter.

But not every thing needs to be a thing.

This sign and the ideas that it represents are not problematic.

If I really wanted to, I could certainly point out how items on this list might be beyond the capacity of a person suffering from mental illness or a physical disability. I could also point out items on this list that are not perceived as relevant or important depending upon your cultural upbringing. I could also point out items that are decidedly more challenging based upon socio-economic status.

But we need to agree that some things in life are important for most people, even when exceptions exist.

I’m not going to stop teaching kids about the importance of making eye contact when speaking to someone even though I know that some people on the autism spectrum find this almost impossible to do.

I’m not going stop asking children to work on their posture even though sitting up straight is impossible for some folks with a physical disability.

I’m not going to stop talking about the importance of being on time even though I know that many people are tardy because of the unpredictable nature of bus schedules.

I could go on.

No list is going to account for the needs of all people. Exceptions will always exist. As people, we can carve out those exceptions. Support those people in other ways. Acknowledge their differences while simultaneously acknowledge that there are some ideas that are nearly universal in their appeal and value.

I’ll say it again:

Not every thing needs to be a thing.

I think this list falls into that category.

Birthday prank gone wrong

When one of my students celebrates a birthday, I give them a packet of special birthday passes that allow them special privileges.

Homework passes allow them to skip homework assignments of their choice.
“No teasing” passes forbid me from hassling them for an entire day.
“Eat all day” passes allow them to graze like sheep throughout the school day on as much food as they’d like.
“Line freedom” passes allow them to move about the school without suffering the indignities of standing in line.

There are more. Lots more. It’s a thick packet. A high-quality birthday gift.

We also enjoy an extra 15 minutes of recess.

In addition to this glorious gift, I also give students a signed photograph of me. It was an idea I had last year to annoy my students, but they immediately turned the joke around on me by embracing the photo and thanking me profusely for it.

Other students even tried to trade for the signed photos, declaring it something they have always dreamed of owning.

I was so annoyed. I had been so looking forward to the joke, but they ruined it.

Undeterred, I tried again this year.

Thirty minutes after gifting the first signed photo of the year to a student, she had altered the photo a bit, turning me into an anime girl.

Kids ruin everything.

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