Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 138

Free Prize Inside!

A surprising number of people were curious about the free prize inside my box of Jesus-themed bandages, which Elysha gave me for Christmas.

I was curious, too, but I like to prolong a surprise, knowing that the moment just before the reveal is almost always better than the reveal itself.

But succumbing to curiosity, I finally opened the container today and found my free prize:

A temporary tattoo of a slice of pepperoni pizza, hidden amongst the dozens of bandages featuring Jesus iconography.

I couldn’t believe it.

In this case, it turns out that the surprise itself was just as good as the suspense before the reveal. I laughed out loud when I found my temporary tattoo, both because it was a temporary tattoo in a box of Jesus bandages and because the image was that of a slice of pizza.

I’m not sure if there is a “Free Prize Inside!” more perfect for this particular situation than a pizza tattoo.

Credit Elysha:

It’s not often that a fantastic gift gets even better 15 days after you first opened it.

Kind of like the gift that keeps on giving.

Lyric Problems: “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”

Paul Simon wrote a song entitled “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover,” then he didn’t come close to offering the 50 ways.

In fact, as far as I can tell, he only offers six alternatives to leaving your lover, and they all suck.

Just slip out the back, Jack… So just leave without even saying goodbye? Like a damn coward?

Make a new plan, Stan… What does this mean? Rent an apartment? Buy plane tickets? Hire a contract killer?

You don’t need to be coy, Roy… Coy? Who’s every been “cute, coquettish, or artfully playful” when breaking up? When was being coy while dumping someone even an option?

Hop on the bus, Gus… So public transportation? Just get yourself a bus schedule and you’re good to go?

You don’t need to discuss much… Paul Simon appears to be a big fan of avoiding conflict when it comes to break ups. No talk. Just get the hell out of there.

Just drop off the key, Lee… With who? The landlord? Your lover? Just leave the key beside the blender and leave?

None of these options are good.

I haven’t broken up with a partner in more than 17 years, but back in the day, I was well known as an outstanding relationship ender, maintaining friendships, at least for a time, with every woman who I dated.

Not a single bad break up.

My advice, Paul Simon:

Don’t be a terrible person. Understand that people can fall into and out of love without any intention. Remember that you can’t convince someone to love you once it’s over. Consider every break up as an opportunity for a new adventure.  Believe that you will find love again. Know that the heart heals with time. Try like hell to be kind and decent regardless of the circumstances. Give more than you take.

It’s not easy, but it allows you to remain in good standing with someone who you once loved, and it’s a hell of a lot better than opting for public transportation or walking out without saying a word.

Through glass and wood

When I was quarantined and isolated from the family (prior to discovering that they were positive for COVID-19 as well), I had two places to go:

The bedroom, which I quickly grew to hate, and my office, which felt like a tiny prison. But at least with its French doors, I was able to see into the house a bit, which led to this:

Charlie sitting outside the doors, reading, researching, and playing games.

Just to be a little closer to me.

To think that when Elysha told me she wanted another child a decade ago, I wasn’t so sure at first.

Moments of Note 2021

At the start of every year, I begin a list called “Moments of Note.” Unlike my trademarked “Homework for Life” strategy, I’m not looking for storyworthy moments for my “Moments of Note” list. I’m not recording the amazing and terrible things said by my children, the changes in the way that I think, or realizations about myself, my friends, or the world.I’m simply keeping a list of noteworthy moments. Stuff done. Events and occasions worth remembering.The goal is to be able to look back on a year and recognize all that I did. I’ve been keeping this list for seven years now, but starting in 2020, it became even more valuable when the pandemic wiped the calendar clean of vacations, business trips, scheduled performances, friend and family get togethers, and so much more.For many, the past couple years have felt like a void of monotony, anxiety, and fear. At times it’s felt like this for me, too. But on January 1, 2021, as I read my “Moments of Note 2020” to the family during dinner, something important happened to all of us. With the ability to look back on the year and recall what we had done, the year suddenly felt decidedly less empty than it had just minutes before.We forget a lot as human beings. We make little effort to hold onto our days. We toss away our memories like they are worthless, and as a result, we end up feeling like our lives are empty, too.But when you make an effort to remember these moments from the year, record them, and then review them, you recognize the ground that you have traveled. You remember moments that you can’t believe you nearly forgot. You feel better about the way you spent your time and the things you accomplished.My family loved the list. Elysha, especially. They even added to it, reminding me of moments that I failed to record.We did the same thing this year. Though separated because of COVID quarantine, I read the list to the family on New Years Eve, and we re-lived so many moments. As expected, Elysha and the kids added to the list as well. Things I had forgotten or failed to notice.We’ll love the list even more in 5 years when I read it again.I keep a similar “Moments of Note” list for summer vacation, to help me say goodbye to another blessed summer and ease back into the school routine in September.Below is my list of “Moments of Note” for 2021, with a few omissions to preserve privacy. The list isn’t important, though. It means more to me than it ever will to you. Rather than reading my Moment of Note from 2021, I suggest you start your own 2022 list today, as I did a few days ago.The first entries:I miss the first Patriots game of the year thanks to COVID-19. I watch alone in the bedroom. They win 50-10.Clara and Elysha test positive for COVID-19. It’s Elysha’s second time. Charlie holds out and gives us all side eye.

Not exactly an auspicious start.

But please, create a list on your phone, or dedicate a small notebook to the task, or affix the list to your refrigerator. Make it a habit. Set a reminder on your calendar or Amazon Echo or Apple Watch. Remember the moments.In about 360 days, you’ll be so happy that you did.Moments of Note 2021I hit Bryce with the scabbard of a sword.I get hired on retainer with Slack.Elysha and I attend Pesca’s virtual wedding.Charlie has his first guitar lesson.I have my first piano lesson.Return of Town Meeting, broadcast from my classroom and recorded for the school.“The Other Mother” publishes.We host our first virtual book launch. Elysha and Clara sing. I interview Charlie.We finish reading Harry Potter Book 1.We watch Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone.Charlie reads the newspaper comics for the first time.Elysha gets COVID-19.The family quarantines while Elysha isolates. I sleep on the couch for 10 days and teach my class from the dining room table while they sit in class.Clara celebrates her birthday while Elysha is in isolation. Deliveries of balloons, Edible Arrangement, cake from the Golder’s, and lots and lots of gifts. Clara is astoundingly positive about the whole thing.Virtual book club on Barack Obama book.I manage to land Kyle’s banana in the tree.Clara celebrates her birthday via Zoom. Super positive again.I write STORYWORTHY 2.I perform in a virtual storytelling show with NBC’s Steve Kornacki.Paperback of “Twenty-one Truths About Love” publishes.I teach my first humor class.Little snowman destroyed by little girl after walk in woods.Zoom magic show on my birthday.New kitchen sink installed.Clara loses a tooth at age 12.I win a virtual Moth StorySLAM with my first DJ story ever.Sledding in tubes at Wolcott Park.We finish reading Harry Potter Book 2.We watch Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Clara hides for most of the basilisk scene.I win my 7th GrandSLAM. Virtual.Elysha and I get vaccinated. Thank you, science.My students and I record an underutilized, under-appreciated social justice video for the district.I take my students to the splash pad on the last day of school.Final day of the school filled with incredible letters, lots of tears. One of my hardest, scariest, and best school years.Elysha finishes her job at Morley School.We attend a US Women’s Soccer game.Elysha and I take two weeks of sailing lessons.I launch Storyworthy: The Business with Joey and Lionel.I officiate Sharon’s wedding.Clara makes a new friend, Livia, whose brother plays on Charlie’s team.Charlie earns the game ball after two hits, two walks, and two runs scored.Charlie plays in the championship game in Little League. Loses 17-7.DJ my first wedding in nearly two years.Introduce Rob Hugh to golf.Storytelling competition outdoors at the New Haven Festival for Arts and Ideas. Win!I teach Charlie how to play chess.We convert our home to natural gas.Weekend visit to Martha’s Vineyard on our anniversary.Travel to San Fransisco to teach. Trapped in Detroit airport for 12 hours.Charlie takes archery lessons.Clara gets vaccinated. Thank you, science.We visiting Emily and family in New Jersey. First time since the pandemic began.Clara attends two soccer camps – mean, stupid boys at the first, better at the second.Weekend in the Catskills.Elysha, Clara, and Charlie visit Opus 40.Elysha, Clara, and Charlie see the biggest and smallest kaleidoscope in the world.I perform at the Phoenicia Playhouse. Workshop and show.We need to leave the Catskills early to beat the hurricane home, driving late into the night.We survive Hurricane Henri unscathed.Elysha and I and the kids go to dinner for our anniversary in West Hartford Center at RizzutoI get new golf clubs.I set a personal best at Rockledge.We finish reading Harry Potters 3 and 4 over the summer. Watch movies.I play golf with Jeff, Tom, and Alice (editor) at Tunxis.I go into business with Hiitide. They go out of business three months later.Elysha and I produce an outdoor show at The Hill-stead. Best attended event of their summer.I compete in a Moth StorySLAM (with Kathy) at The Bell House.I compete in a Moth StorySLAM (with Jeni and Amy) at The Bell House.Tobi takes a ride in the dryer.Clara, Charlie, and Elysha go to to Hog Pen Hill Farms with Sabrina and Ben.I teach a workshop in the UK (virtual).I teach Ali Abdul’s YouTube class (twice) and begin consulting with YouTubers.I record a story for The Volume Knob.I compete in Steve’s cornhole tournament with Dan.I teach a week-long virtual workshop with international students with Rustic Pathways.We enjoy Clara’s Family Game Night.We celebrate Charlie’s birthday with a giant water slide.We watch The Sandlot on Charlie’s birthday.We celebrate Luke’s birthday with a giant water slide.I judge the Greater Hartford Story Slam.I begin a partnership with Richard Chapman to produce a show for a streamer and film adaptations.We participate in E Green family game night.We make pizza with Mr. Marciano virtually.I get diagnosed with a hernia.Elysha and I go to Springsteen on Broadway.The family attends Winding Trails family night. We ride the raft.I speak at the East Hampton Public Library.I speak at TEDx Berkshires. Dinner afterwards with former Governor of MA.Kelli and Mike visit for the first time!We attend a Yard Goats game. No hitter until the final at-bat.Elysha and I attend a Neil Diamond – Hartford Symphony tribute concert with Eddie and Kathy.We attend Yawgoog Alumni Day.Spend our final Friday night of the summer at Winding Trails. Lightning, rainbows, Michauds, pizza, and swimming.Visit Southwick Zoo.Eat dinner at the Redwood Drive-In.Moth StorySLAM victory in September in Boston – with Jordyn Trent alongside.I finished writing SOMEDAY IS TODAY.The kids temporarily return to Hebrew School.Clara is named Student of the Month.Charlie wins election for Treasurer of his school.Field trip to Westmoor Park. First field trip since the pandemic.I officiate the wedding of Cory and Shayna. Shotgunned beer at onset of ceremony  (not by me).Charlie begins Cub Scouts.I visit Bard College. Speak at their symposium.I perform to a sold out audience at The Mount. Barbara and Gerry attend.Charlie plays fall baseball.Halloween stroll in West Hartford Center. Kids in costumes. Kathy giving out candy at her store!We enjoy many Sunday morning Coventry Farmer’s Markets.I attend my first Patriots game since January 2020 with Shep and Tony and Bob.I attend a Patriots game with Elysha, Tony, and Charlie (Tony’s friend).Halloween. Charlie dresses as Harry Potter. Clara dresses as a character from a fantasy novel who one person recognizes.I attend Brady’s return on a Sunday night in the rain with Shep. We lose on a field goal that hits the post.Elysha and I get re-vaccinated. Thank you, science.Kaia and I purchase recording equipment. Kaia converts office into recording space.I consult with Six Senses.Andrew and Kim leave West Hartford because everyone leaves.Elysha starts a new job at Webster Hill School teaching kindergarten.I perform at the Alaskan Storytelling Festival (virtually).The family visits the Fairy Houses. We meet a Wolcott family.I hire Kaia as my production assistant and Caitlin as my intern.Charlie’s team loses all of its games but still plays in the playoff against my students’ team. Charlie walks and scores a run on a steal of home.Charlie starts playing the trumpet.I win the last Moth StorySLAM in NYC alongside Jeni. At Housing Works. We do bad math and fail to realize I’m won.I have hernia surgery. Miss two weeks of work.Clara gets into the choral group, the Kellapellas.We show the kids Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.Front and back doors and upstairs windows replaced.Charlie, Elysha, and I start watching The Simpsons. He loves it.Elysha and I produce a Voices of Hope show.Charlie gets vaccinated. Loses his mind. Twice. Thank you, science.Living room and upstairs hallway painted. Furniture for living room arrives.Clara begins taking ceramics classes.Charlie becomes a Safety Patrol member.Finish Harry Potter 5. Watch movie.Cooper Beech storytelling show. Live and virtual.I officiate the wedding of Kelly Shepard after having DJ’d the wedding of Kelly Shepard 20 years before.Thanksgiving with Diane Clark, Sabrina and Ben Veroczi, and Natalie Evans.I speak at Hot Buzz for Books with Micheal, Roxane, and others.Candlelight vigil for Jade. I speak.Patriots games in the fall with Shep, Jeff, Dan, Elysha, and Andrew.Eddie and Kathy announce they are moving to DC. Elysha cries.Clara performs at Newington First Night. The kids sit in Santa’s lap.We show the kids A Christmas Story. 8-Bit Christmas. The Santa Clause.Christmas Day. Clara gets 20 books. Charlie gets baseball, archery, bugs, and more.Kathy and Eddie join us for Christmas Day.We cut the cord on cable.I test positive for COVID-19.Elysha, Clara, and Charlie go to Fantasia light show.Car dies. Buy a minivan from a Cleveland dealership.Pluto disappears for 36 hours. Find him on the bed in the middle of the night.We celebrate New Years Eve via Facetime while I quarantine.

Looking up

In this current, seemingly overwhelming wave of the pandemic, as we approach the anniversary of the January 6 attack and attempted insurrection at the US Capitol, it’s easy to feel pessimistic about our future and decidedly negative about the previous year.

Prior to the rise of the delta and omicron variants, it was looking like we might put this pandemic behind us in 2021.

Also, encroaching authoritarianism, rising inflation, threats to free and fair elections, and political avarice all cast long shadows in our future.

But I think it’s critical to remember all that has been accomplished in the past year as well, because as human beings, we conveniently forget the good and often focus on the bad.

As a reminder, in 2021:

Congress passed a $1.9 trillion bipartisan pandemic relief plan that  the President signed it into law.Congress passed a $1 trillion bipartisan infrastructure bill after many attempts by the previous administration. The President also signed this bill into law.The stock market hit 68 record highs in 2021. This was the second most record highs in the history of the market (1995 set the record for the most), and the market ended the year at a near-record high.The unemployment rate stood at 4.2% and jobless claims were at a 50 year low as the year ended. Wages also rose dramatically in 2021. A total of 26 states either increased their minimum wage at the end of 2021 or are scheduled to raise their minimum wage in 2022.The dire warnings of empty shelves for the holiday season did not come to pass. Supply chains are still grappling with pandemic pressures, but enormous strides have been made, and despite omicron sending large segments of the workforce on sick leave (myself included), the supply chain improves every day.

If your political leaning is left, you’ll also be happy to know that President Biden confirmed more judges to the federal bench than any first-year president since Reagan, and experts say a growing list of judicial vacancies could allow him to appoint even more in 2022.

These newly appointed judges also represent the most diverse group of appointees ever, which should please Americans of every political party (except for the racists and bigots, of course).

In pandemic news:

72% of Americans have received two shots of the COVID-19 vaccine (or one shot of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine).Even more important (and overlooked, I think), MORE THAN 85% OF ADULTS OVER 18 have received at least one dose of COVID-19 vaccine, and statistics indicate that most will go on to complete series.

In the words of Scott Gottlieb, former FDA Commissioner ((2017-2019):

“This is a phenomenal public health achievement, and as much as many bemoan fact that more haven’t chosen to get vaccinated, this has outpaced any early expectation.”

I think this is important to remember because the anti-vaxxers are loud, obnoxious, and therefore seemingly everywhere, when in truth, they account for less than 15% of the American adult population.

For every Joe Rogan, Marjorie Taylor Greene, and Aaron Rogers in the world, there are many, many more Americans already vaccinated and getting vaccinated and boosted. We just don’t shout about it, lie about it, or raise political capital on it.

The truth is this:

The vast majority of Americans got vaccinated and moved on with our lives. We may get sick (as I did), but we aren’t crowding our hospitals, straining our healthcare system, and infecting our healthcare workers. We are, for the vast majority, remaining home until our symptoms subside so we can protect our fellow citizen from becoming ill.

It’s only a small, stupid percentage of Americans not only refuse to do what’s best for their community, but they won’t shut up about it, making them seem larger in size than they really are.

Unfortunately, there are also enough of them to fill ICU beds with illness, selfishness, and stupidity, making life hard on our heroic healthcare workers.

This doesn’t mean that there aren’t serious challenges ahead. Long shadows hanging over our democracy. Critical Supreme Court cases loom in the near future. Our economy still faces enormous challenges.

It simply means that progress is happening, too. Good things have come to pass. The decent outnumber the indecent by a wide margin.

With so many struggling to see the light of day, reminders like this are important to me, and perhaps they are important to you, too.  They help me stay positive and hopeful about our country and our future.

COVID-19 and Yankee Candles

Fascinating chart.

Blue line: Daily COVID-19 cases in the United States from April through November 2021

Red line: Reviews of Yankee Candles on Amazon saying “they don’t have any scent” from that same time period.

Turns out there is a strong correlation between COVID-19 infection and Americans’ inability to smell the scents of Yankee Candles.

It’s difficult to tell if this is a predictive or lagging indicator, but it certainly makes sense and can rightly be added to some of the more interesting  and unexpected indicators in the world today, including:

The Hemline Index: Coined a few years before the Great Depression, the hemline index follows a simple logic – the higher women’s hemlines go, the healthier the economy. There is debate by economists over whether this is a predictive or lagging indicator, but either way, it’s real.

The Lipstick Index: Conversely, the lipstick index seems to predict downturns in the economy. Coined by Leonard Lauder, chairman of the board of Estee Lauder, the lipstick index was used to describe increased sales of cosmetics during the early 2000s recession. The speculation was that women substitute lipstick for more expensive purchases like dresses and shoes in times of economic distress.

The Champagne Index: Sales of champagne are a clear, consistent, and reliable indicator of how the economy is performing, and is presumably based upon the amount of  discretionary income that Americans have and their inclination to feel celebratory. Sales of cardboard boxes can serve as a similar, though slightly less reliable, indicator.

And my favorite index of all time:

The Waffle House Index: The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) measures the severity of storm damage by (no joke) what the local Waffle House is serving on its menu. If the local Waffle House is serving a full menu, the community is considered to be in the green and doing well. If the restaurant has lost power but is still open and serving a limited, grill-only menu, it’s in the yellow and likely in need of some assistance. Red means the restaurant is closed, which is a “really bad” sign, according to former FEMA chief Craig Fugate.

First best thing of 2020

New Year’s Day.  I’m locked away in quarantine, missing Charlie (and Elysha Dicks and Clara, too), so I decide to text him. Charlie’s just 9 years-old, so he doesn’t own a phone, but he can text with me via his iPad on the home’s WiFi network.I want to tell him that I love him and miss him.The text exchange below occurs.Did you see the miracle? The moment of exceptional, overwhelming parental pride?Charlie used the wrong form of “to” in his message to me, but then he corrected himself. Parenthetically! Ten hours and two minutes into 2022, and I had already hit a high point in the year.

New Year’s Resolutions 2022

At the beginning of every year I establish a list of goals (or New Year’s resolutions) for the coming calendar year. I post this list on my blog and social media as a means of holding myself accountable.

I recommend this to everyone. I’ve been engaged in this process since 2010, and I am convinced that I have been more productive and more successful as a result, even though my average goal completion rate stands at about 53%.

I’ve learned that setting exceptionally high goals and accepting inevitable failure are critical to achievement.

I’ve also honestly changed my life as a result of this process. Previous goals have led me to me meditating daily, learning to cook, flossing without missing a day in more than a decade, and exercising regularly. Many of the things that once appeared on my list of goals are now simply things that I do on a regular basis without thought or effort.

An unexpected side benefit has been the occasional assistance from readers in completing some of my goals, through advice, recommendations, and sometimes even direct intervention. Three years ago the amazing Kathryn Gonnerman turned the blog that I had written to my children for the first six years of their existence into six enormous, beautiful tomes that my kids are reading constantly.

She knocked one of my goals right off my list.

People are exceptionally kind, and I never turn down an offer of assistance.

Equally unexpected is the interest in these blog posts on my yearly goals and monthly updates. I often feel like updating my progress each month is the least interesting thing I write, but apparently there are readers out there who disagree. They are some of my most-read posts.

Below is my list of 51 goals for 2022. Two fewer than last year.

I always reserve the right to add to or edit a goal on the list when conditions change throughout the year, though this has almost never happened.

_________________________________________________________________________

PERSONAL FITNESS

1. Don’t die.

Recommended by my friend, Charles years ago. Still valid today, especially in today’s pandemic world, and deserving of the first spot on the list.

2. Lose 20 pounds.

Since 2010, I’ve lost a total of 53 pounds, but I’ve never met my yearly goal. Last year I was on track to lose my goal of 20 pounds before my surgery upended everything. I finished the year down just 10 pounds.

Another 20 is ambitious, but I’m willing to try to make that happen.

3. Do at least 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, and 3 one-minute planks for five days a week.

I’ve accomplished this goal for eight years in a row, only missing time due to injury, Disney, and surgical recovery, but it’s not exactly automatic (because it’s still hard and oftentimes a pain in the ass), so it remains on the list.

I won’t be able to resume this goal until March 1 at the earliest thanks to my surgery, which will make it much harder once I resume.

4. Cycle for at least 5 days every week. 

I fell back in love with my bike at the onset of the pandemic when going to the gym became impossible then inadvisable. I rode every day for months. In November of 2020, we purchased a Nordictrack stationary cycle, and until my surgery knocked me off it for three months, I road that every day that the weather prevented me from riding outdoors.

I plan to ride on my bike or the Nordictrack for at least five days of every week.

5. Establish my golfing handicap, then lower that handicap by at least 2. 

Rather than attempting to set a personal best (which has been my goal in the past), I’ll be looking to establish a handicap for myself then lower it by at least two strokes. This will allow me to chart yearly progress rather than waiting for that one blessed day in the sun when it all comes together for me.

Honestly, this is a bit of a shot in the dark in terms of a goal, since I have no idea what my initial handicap will be.

WRITING CAREER

6. Complete my seventh novel.

This is a failed goal from 2021 that I am renewing in 2022. It’s coming along, but not as quickly as I’d hoped.

7. Prepare “Storyworthy 2” or update “Storyworthy” or both for potential sale. 

This book is already in very rough draft form. It may actually be two books, or better yet, one book and an update on my original storytelling book. I’ll need to revise, organize, re-write, and reshuffle this pile of words until it better resembles a book.

8. Write/complete at least three new picture books, including one with a female, non-white protagonist, and one protagonist who is not neurotypical.

I wrote three picture books in 2015.
I wrote another three in 2016.
I started but did not finish four picture books in 2017.
Those four books, plus two more, remained unfinished in 2018.
All six books remained unfinished in 2019, 2020, and 2021.

Worst of all, I haven’t sold any of them.

My goal for 2022 is to finish the year with three newly completed picture books. This can include books that I already began but didn’t finish and/or brand new ones.

At least one must feature a non-white, non-male protagonist and one must feature a character who is not neurotypical.

9. Complete a memoir.

Rather than writing a proposal for a memoir, my agent and I decided that it would be best if I simply wrote the book, so that process has begun. I plan to complete enough of the memoir to sell by the end of 2022.

Truthfully, I have two memoirs going at the moment:

One about the two year period when I was arrested, jailed, and tried for a crime I did not commit, which also led to homelessness then a pantry off a kitchen that I shared with a goat. I was also the victim of a horrific robbery at that time that left me with a lifetime of PTSD amongst other awfulness.

Also participation in an underground arm wrestling and gambling ring.

An interesting two years, to say the least.

The second is about the two year period in which a lowly band of anonymous cowards attempted to destroy my teaching career.

I’ve written about 25,000 words for both, so I really need to choose one and move forward.

10. Write a new screenplay.

I failed to write a screenplay for the last four years after writing my first in 2015. I started a new one in 2019 but it’s not close to completion. I intend to finish it in 2022 or simply write a new one. I have a writing partner taking a first pass at The Other Mother as a screenplay, then I will parachute in and see what I can do.

11. Write a solo show.

I’m in the process of writing a solo show based upon my arrest and trial for a crime I did not commit. I have assembled a team of brilliant people to workshop it, and I’m making solid progress. I want it done and ready to go by the end of the year if not sooner.

12. Write a musical.

My friend, Kaia, and I are writing a musical that we will also perform. She writes the music and lyrics. She and I write the story. I want it to be done and ready to go by the end of 2022.

13. Submit at least five Op-Ed pieces to The New York Times for consideration.

A completed goal from the last four years. I’m repeating it in 2022.

My dream goal remains to land another column in a magazine, newspaper, or online publication this year, but I’m keeping this goal more reasonable. Write and submit and then hope for the best.

14. Write at least four letters to my father.

I failed to complete this goal in 2021, mostly because the failure to receive letters in return made it hard to send more.

I’ll be repeating it again this year.

My father and I have been writing sporadic letters to each other since 2013. Since we speak little, it’s been a great way to get to know a man who disappeared from much of my life at the age of eight. I intend to write to him with the continued hope that he will write to me on my off months.

15. Write 100 letters in 2022.

I wrote 61 letters in 2018, 28 letters in 2019, 53 letters in 2020, and finally 114 letters in 2021. So I’m setting 100 as the goal again. The plan is to write a letter (paper, envelope, and stamp) every three days or so, to students, colleagues, friends, family, and anyone else who is deserving of praise, gratitude, recognition, scathing retribution, or the like.

It’s a way of making a day a little brighter for another person that appeals to me a lot. The results in some cases have been extraordinary. Remarkable responses and incredible connections.

I can’t recommend this enough.

16. Convert 365 Days of Elysha into a book.

Back in 2019, friend and storyteller Kathryn Gonnerman transformed my blog, Greetings Little One, into six beautiful tomes that the kids adore.

I plan to do the same to “365 Days of Elysha.”

Back in 2015, I wrote down one lovely observation about Elysha every day for a year, and I presented her with this Word document on our anniversary.

A Word document is nice, but it wasn’t exactly romantic.

I’d like to have this project turned into a book as well. Though I suspect that converting a Word document into a book will be decidedly easier, I failed to complete this goal in 2021, so I am keeping it on the list for 2022. I’ve also turned this project over to my production manager.

17. Read at least 12 books. 

I’ve noticed over the past year that podcasts have been crowding out books when it comes to my content consumption, but Stephen King rightfully said, “If you don’t have time to read, you don’t have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that.”

Americans read an average of of 12 books per year, but the median number of books read per year is just  4, meaning that the blessed folks reading 100 books per year are artificially boosting the average.

I’ll shoot for 12. One per month.

18. Write to at least six authors about a book that I especially like. 

On New Year’s Eve, I received an email from a woman who read my first novel in middle school and has been following my work ever since. She credited me for helping her fall in love with reading and has just finished writing her first novel. It was a joyous way to end the year.

I should do the same for authors whose books I adore. My goals is to do this at least six times in 2022.

STORYTELLING/SPEAKING CAREER

19. Complete the recordings for my new business for at least two target consumers. 

I’m currently recording a storytelling series for business folks. Once that is done and my partners work their magic, it will be time to begin recording a second series for a different target audience. Attorneys, parents, performers, the clergy. Whatever we think is our next largest potential market.

My goal in 2022 is to complete the recording of at least two of these series.

20. Engage with LinkedIn at least once per week.

I use Twitter as a news source and the place where I occasionally express angry thoughts about stupid people.

I channel all of my blog content through Facebook.

I post photos on Instagram because my publicist tells me that I should and it’s easy.

I ignore TikTok.

I have basically ignored LinkedIn, too, but I am continually alerted to the fact that folks are mentioning me on the platform or asking to connect. Business people read my book and recommend it to others. A client with whom I’m consulting references me or one of my ideas. Someone attends a workshop and says nice things about it. I smile and move on, when in reality, these are the people with whom I do most of my business. A little bit of effort, I suspect, many go a long way.

I’ll find one thing to say per week and see what happens.

21. Produce a total of 6 Speak Up storytelling events.

Since we launched Speak Up back in 2013, we have produced a total of 107 shows.

2013: 3
2014: 8
2015: 12
2016: 17
2017: 17
2018: 13
2019: 17
2020: 12
2021: 8

We will likely produce more than 6 shows in 2022, but 6 seems like a reasonable number considering the impact on live events due to the pandemic.

22. Pitch myself to at least 3 upcoming TEDx events with the hopes of being accepted by one.

I’ve had some bad luck in terms of TED Talks.

I did a TED Talk at the AT&T Conference Center in 2013 that went extremely well, but technical difficulties made the audio on the recording almost indiscernible.

I did a TED Talk at Western Connecticut State University in 2013 that went flawlessly, but the college students who hosted the conference never posted the recording online.

I did a TED Talk in April of 2014 in Somerville, Massachusetts that also went well, but my 15 minute talk was accidentally put on a nine minute timer, which forced me to dump sections of my talk on the fly and speak faster than I would’ve liked. The talk was good, but it was not exactly what I had planned. There was a lot of room for improvement.

I did a TED Talk at Boston University in April of 2015. The recording started almost two minutes into my talk, and one of the cameras failed. The actual talk went very well but the recording is useless. Again, I’d like to repeat this talk at some point for TED.

But I’ve had some good luck as well.

I did a TED Talk in November of 2015 in the Berkshires that went very well and has been viewed more than 60,000 times. Huzzah!

I did a TED Talk in January of 2016 in Natick, MA that also went very well and has been viewed more than 25,000 times. Huzzah!

I did a TED Talk in April of 2016 at The Country School in Madison, CT, repeating that first TED Talk that didn’t get recorded well in 2013. I had to hold a microphone, which complicated things a bit, and there was no timer, so I had to rush in fear of going long. It’s been viewed about 30,000 times, but I’m still not entirely satisfied with the talk. I’d like to repeat it again under optimal circumstances.

I did a TED Talk in May of 2017 at the Pomfret School. Again, I had a handheld mic and no timer, and the recording was amateurish at best. Still, I thought it went well, but it’s only been viewed about 700 times.

I did a TED Talk in 2021 in the Berkshires that went very well and has been viewed 1,500 times.

I’ll also be speaking at TEDxCornell in April.

I plan on pitching new talks to at least three conferences in 2022.

23. Attend at least 6 Moth events with the intention of telling a story.

My Moth attendance ever since attending my first Moth StorySLAM in 2011 has been:

2011: 4
2012: 9
2013: 19
2014: 19
2015: 31
2016: 31
2017: 20
2018: 15
2019: 22
2020: 15
2021: 12

Note that this represents the number of times I attended a Moth event, including StorySLAMs, GrandSLAMs, Main Stage performances, The Moth Ball, and more. It does not represent the number of times I’ve actually performed.

Sadly, my name does not always get drawn from the hat.

As opportunities to speak and perform at other venues for a variety of organizations have increased, the time I’ve had to dedicate to Moth events has decreased, even though they remain my favorite shows in the world.

Give me a Moth StorySLAM any day.

Attending 6 Moth events in 2022 is a low number, but given the uncertainty ahead in terms of the pandemic, I can’t be sure how many Moth StorySLAMs will even be available to me in 2022, so even 6 might be an unrealistic number.

24. Win at least one Moth StorySLAM.

For the past five years, I have made three wins the goal. That has always felt ambitious, but since 2011, I’ve won 53% of the Moth StorySLAMs that I’ve competed in, and that percentage has remained fairly steady over the years.

Last year I set the goal of winning one StorySLAM, but I managed to win three out of five.

But given the uncertainty of 2022 in terms of public events and Moth StorySLAMs, three still seems too ambitious, so I’ll shoot for one victory and consider any other wins icing on the cake.

This goal depends upon the decisions of others (which I try to avoid when setting goals), but competing in StorySLAMs just isn’t enough to justify the goal.

I need to win.

25. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.

I won one GrandSLAM in 2014.
I won two GrandSLAMs in 2015.
I won one GrandSLAM in 2016.
I failed to win a GrandSLAM in 2017.
I won two GrandSLAMs in 2018.
I failed to win a GrandSLAM in 2019.
I failed to win a GrandSLAM in 2020.
I won one GrandSLAM in 2021.

Overall, I’ve won 7 GrandSLAMs in 29 attempts for a 24% win rate.

Much harder to win a GrandSLAM with all of those annoyingly excellent storytellers, not to mention the three times I was defeated by stories that I helped find and craft.

Arming my competition. A terrible strategy.

This goal also depends upon the decisions of others (including how quickly my turn in a GrandSLAM comes up) but competing in a Moth GrandSLAM just isn’t enough to justify the goal.

Once again, I need to win.

26. Produce at least 12 episodes of our podcast Speak Up Storytelling.

Since launching our podcast in 2018, Elysha and I have produced the following number of episodes:

2018: 30 episodes
2019: 44 episodes
2020: 30 episodes
2021: 14 episodes

A number of factors curtailed our production schedule in 2021. The goal of 12 episodes for 2022 is admittedly conservative. Our goal is to produce one per month, plus one solo episodes per month. With my Production Manager, Kaia, now editing the podcast, things should be easier on my end, so this feels much more doable.

Consistency over quantity is what we are shooting for in 2022.

27. Convert my YouTube channel into an actual channel. 

Currently my YouTube channel is a repository of my stories and storytelling lessons. It needs to be structured and ordered better, and the content sitting on my computer needs to be uploaded thoughtfully. My production manager and I will tackle this in 2022.

28. Perform stand-up at least 3 times in 2022.

I performed stand-up six times in 2018 and four times in 2019. Thanks to the pandemic, I did not get onstage in 2020 or 2021 for stand-up. I don’t know when a stand-up stage will be available to me again, but I’d like to shoot for three times in 2022 if and when I feel it safe to return to the stage.

29. Pitch a story to This American Life.

I had a story on This American Life in May of 2014. Since then, I’ve occasionally pitched stories to someone I know who works for the show. In 2022 I want to make a more concerted effort to pitch one story to this show that I adore.

30. Pitch myself to Marc Maron’s WTF podcast at least three times.

When I list possible publicity opportunities for my publicist, Marc Maron’s WTF was top of the list. I’ve been listening since his first episode, and I would love to have a conversation with him. I’ve pitched myself to him before, including three last year, and I’ll do it again, at least three times, in 2022.

31. Send a newsletter to readers at least 25 times (every other week). 

My new company will likely make this easy, as newsletters will become part of the marketing for the product, but I’ll continue to send out my bi-weekly newsletter offering insights into storytelling and a peak into my life.

HOME

32. Clear the basement.

Last year I successfully cleaned and cleared the basement. In 2022 I will continue to eliminate items that we no longer need, making even more space available for nothing.

33. Organize the children’s books.

My kids have reached the age that the picture books that so dominated a decade of our kids’ lives have been pushed aside in favor of stacks upon stacks of fantasy novels, graphic novels, and illustrated guides to astrophysics.

My job will be to sort these forgotten books into three piles:

Books we can give awayBooks we want to keep out for evenings of nostalgiaBooks we want to pack away for when there are grandchildren

It will take some manual labor and an enormous amount of emotional fortitude.

FAMILY/FRIENDS

34. Text or call brother or sister once per month. 

My brother and sister and I don’t talk enough. I’m going to speak to either one at least once per week via text or phone call.

35. Take at least one photo of my children every day.

As I scanned through my photos on a plane ride to Indiana in 2019, I noticed a decline in photos taken of the kids over the years. This is only natural. When a child is born, photos are taken every nine seconds, but as time passes, this burst of photography subsides a bit.

One photo per day, every day when I see the kids, in 2022 is the goal.

36. Take at least one photo with Elysha and myself each week.

Even worse than the decline in photos of the kids are the rarity of photos of just Elysha and me. We need to rectify this as well, so at least once per week, I will take a photograph of just the two of us.

37. Plan a reunion of the Heavy Metal Playhouse.

My friend, Bengi, and I lived in a home that became known as the Heavy Metal Playhouse from 1989-1993. It was four of the best years of my life. Enormous parties, the closest of friendships, and the wildness of youth left an indelible mark on me. While I stay in touch with many of my friends from those days, I have not seen many of them in a long time. We have attempted to plan a reunion in the past without success.

Starting in 2016, I’ve tried to make a reunion happen but failed. 2021 convinced me that a virtual reunion via Zoom might be the best option given some of our friends are spread out around the country.

I’m going to make this happen in 2022.

38. I will not comment, positively or negatively, about physical appearance of any person save my wife and children, in 2017 in an effort to reduce the focus on physical appearance in our culture overall.

In 2016, I decided to avoid all negative comments related to a person’s physical appearance.

In 2017 I decided to add positive comments as well (save my wife, children, and in-laws) in an effort to reduce the focus on physical appearance in our culture overall.

I’ve achieved this goal for the past four years, and by writing about it, I’ve convinced at least two dozen other people to adopt the policy as well.

For this reason, I will repeat this goal in 2022, even though it’s now simply become something I do.

39. Compliment one person every day on a topic unrelated to physical appearance. 

In an effort to make the world a better place, I will deliberately find a reason to compliment one person every day for something unrelated to physical appearance and entirely within their control.

I will not count students in this goal since I spend all day offering them positive reinforcement, often in the form of compliments on effort and kindness.

40. Surprise Elysha at least six times in 2021.

A completed goal from the last four years that I will repeat in 2022.

41. Play poker at least six times in 2021.

I love poker. I paid for our honeymoon with profits from poker. I made a mortgage payment in 2012 with poker profits when it was still legal online. I am a very good poker player who stopped playing regularly in 2015 as I shifted my time to writing and storytelling.

But over the past few years, I’ve been making a more concerted effort to play, including last year when we shifted to a virtual game because of the pandemic.

Six games in 2022 is a reasonable goal.

42. Spend at least six days with my best friend of more than 30 years.

Bengi and I met in a Milford, MA McDonald’s back in 1987, and we have been friends ever since. We once lived together (in the aforementioned Heavy Metal Playhouse) and started our DJ business together back in 1996. We have been through a great deal together, but in the last few years, we have seen less of each other even though we live 15 minutes apart. Our interests have shifted away from the things each likes to do, and our families are demanding more of our time, but that’s no excuse for not getting together more often.

Six days is more than reasonable.

NEW PROJECTS

43. Create an emergency preparedness kit for each car.

In 2021 I built emergency preparedness packs in the event we needed to leave our home quickly. This year I’ll built something similar for each car in the event we are stuck somewhere or find ourselves in an emergency.

44. Memorize the lyrics to at least 5 favorite songs. 

You know those songs that you’ve listened to all your life but never found the time to actually learn the lyrics? I’m going to rectify this in 2022 by learning the lyrics to a few of my favorites in this category, including including “Come on Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners, “Fat Bottomed Girls” by Queen, and “Mr. Blue Sky” by ELO.

45. Learn to play the piano by practicing at least three times a week. 

I’m not hoping to become a great or even capable pianist, but learning something new is important, and we have a keyboard, so why not? I will take classes via Master Class and practice at least 3 times a week for at least 20 minutes at a time.

46. Convert our wedding video to a transferable format.

Our wedding video only exists on the ancient Mac that I originally made it on, but I have yet to be able to remove the file from the laptop. It plays on the laptop, but I can’t move it onto another machine or to the cloud. I plan to find a way to make this happen in 2021.

47. Memorize 5 new poems.

Back in college, I was required to memorize and recite one poem every week for a poetry class, and many of those poems are still locked in my brain today.

I also have several French poems still memorized from French class in high school.

I like having these poems memorized. It’s fun to be able to recite them whenever I please. About ten years ago, on a rainy day at Camp Jewell, we conducted Theater Olympics for our 100 or so fifth graders. One of the events was “Unknown Talent Show” where the teachers had to perform a talent that no one knew they possessed.

I recited French poetry to my principal, who stood on a chair with a mop over his head.

Memorization is also an excellent way to preserve longterm brain health.

My goal this year is to memorize five new poems.

48. Write to at least 3 colleges about why they should hire me.

I should be teaching teachers in college. Specifically, I would like to teach four classes:

Engaging and motivating students through funEffective classroom managementEstablishing and maintaining positive relationships with parentsTeaching writing in the way that actual writers write

As far as I can tell, none of these classes exist in a teacher’s preparatory program today, despite the fact that discipline, motivation, and a strong parent-teacher partnership are three of the most important things a teacher can do to guarantee a successful learning environment. Philosophy, pedagogy, and curriculum are truly irrelevant without them.

In 2021, I am going to write to the administrators of local colleges with teacher prep programs offering my services. More hubris, I know. But I would also be damn good at this, and it’s not happening enough in colleges these days.

49. Understand Instagram better.

I can post photos to Instagram, but that is the extent of my understanding of Instagram.

Instagram stories? I have no idea what they are nor what I might do with them.

Video on Instagram? Is that a thing I should think of doing?

Followers? I have about 1,500 followers but have made absolutely no effort to attract any, nor do I know how to attract them.

Even the messages and mentions on Instagram confuse me.

As this platform begins to dominate social media, I need to understand it better. Use it more effectively. I failed to complete this goal in 2020, so I plan on devoting time to this in 2021.

50. Complete my Eagle Scout project.

Back in 1988, I was 17 year-old-Boy Scout preparing to complete my Eagle Scout service project so I could earn the rank that I had dreamed about for most of my childhood. In truth, I was qualified to earn my Eagle rank almost two years before, having earned the required merit badges and more, but my service project had been sitting on the back burner, waiting to be completed.

I needed a parent or two to light a fire under my butt and support me in this endeavor, but I wasn’t graced with that level of parental involvement at the time.

My plan was to plant trees in a cemetery in my hometown of Blackstone, MA. My troop had planted trees in that same cemetery about five years before, but those trees had died. I wanted to replace them and complete the work that we had originally promised.

Then, on December 23, 1988, I was in a car accident that nearly killed me. As a result of the accident, I was in a full-length leg cast for three months and required an enormous amount of healing and recovery. With just three months left until I turned 18 (the deadline to complete an Eagle service project), my parents requested an extension, and it was denied.

My childhood dream of becoming an Eagle Scout was over. It’s one of my life’s greatest regrets.

Maybe the greatest.

But I recently decided that it would be good to complete that Eagle Scout project even though it won’t come with my much desire Eagle Scout rank.

It feels right. Maybe I’ll feel a little better about the past.

I planned on doing this in 2020 but the pandemic put a hold on those intentions. It will be a goal again in 2021.

51. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog and social media on the first day of every month.

Resolution update: 2021 in review

At the end of each month, and now at the end of the year, I report on the progress of my New Year’s resolutions (or lack thereof).

This has been a difficult year in terms of my goals. As always, I failed to complete some because I did not apply the effort and attention required for success. But the pandemic also made the completion of some goals incredibly difficult or impossible.

Overall, I completed 25 of my 53 goals for a completion percentage of 47%.

This is lower than my 12 year average of 53.6%. My third lowest success rate in 12 years.

Here are previous year’s results.

2010: 44%
2011: 62%
2012: 30%
2013: 60%
2014: 60%
2015: 59%
2016: 59%
2017: 71%
2018: 50%
2019: 48%
2020: 54%
2021: 45%

Some of my goals were missed for good reasons.

My goal of posting videos on YouTube, for example, transformed into recording videos for my new business.

My goal of hanging 25 pieces of art in our home turned out to be completely out of my control. This is an Elysha project. All I can do us encourage her to move faster.

My screenplay is very much waiting for my writing partner to complete.

Stand up comedy was not possible in 2021 thanks to the pandemic.

I decided that my short story goal was stupid.

Others were very much my fault, and some were downright disappointing. Failing to take a weekly photo of Elysha and myself, failing to spend time with my friend, Bengi, and failing to write to colleges come to mind. I had 365 days to complete each one but failed miserably.

Here are the result through the end of 2021.

PERSONAL FITNESS

1. Don’t die.

Testing positive for COVID-19 wasn’t the best way to end the year, but I’m still alive. Vaccinated and boosted. Flu shot, too. Still recovering well from COVID and the surgery. But blood pressure and cholesterol looking good. Cardiac calcium scoring outstanding. Still breathing. Getting better every day.

2. Lose 20 pounds.

After being down 15 pounds pre-surgery, I am now only down 10 pounds. Several factors conspired against me:

Abdominal surgery often results in weight gain as the body retains fluids to assist in healingLimited movement for nearly a month while I recoveredA complete lack of exercise for more than two months

Losing 10 pounds is good, but I have yet to hit a weight goal in 12 years of goal setting.

3. Do at least 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, and 3 one-minute planks for five days a week.

All of these exercises stopped post hernia surgery, but until then, I completed this goal with relative ease.

4. Cycle for at least 5 days every week.

Until my surgery kept me off the bike from late October until mid-December, I achieved this goal with ease.

5. Set a new personal best in golf.

I shot a 44 for 9 holes at Rockledge Golf Course this summer. A new personal best.

I also managed to shoot a 5-over-par 36 on a par 31 executive course. By far a personal best for that course, too.

WRITING CAREER

6. Complete my seventh novel before the end of 2021.

Only about 25% of the book is complete. I wrote a great deal in 2021, but I didn’t write nearly enough fiction.

7. Complete Someday is Today before the end of 2021. 

DONE. Publishing on June 6, 2022.

8. Complete Storyworthy 2 before the end of 2021.

DONE!

First draft was sent to my agent, and she has since returned it with notes. I’ll be working to get the manuscript into shape, but the first draft is complete.

9. Write/complete at least three new picture books, including one with a female, non-white protagonist, and one protagonist who is not neurotypical.

I have four different picture books in various states of completion, but none were finished in 2021.

10. Write 40,000 words of a memoir.

I wrote 20,000 words for one memoir and about 15,000 for another, but this isn’t the best way to produce a book, nor did I hit my 40,000 word goal.

11. Write a new screenplay.

My writing partner is still working on the first pass of The Other Mother, then I will parachute in and do a pass of my own. But a screenplay was not completed in 2021.

12. Write a solo show.

Half of the show is written, but it’s not close to being complete.

13. Write a musical.

My partner, Kaia, have outlined the first half of the show, and writing has begun, but it’s not close to being complete.

14. Submit at least five Op-Ed pieces to The New York Times for consideration.

Done. All five pieces were rejected.

15. Submit one or more short stories to at least three publishing outlets.

Nothing done on this goal. Honestly, there is no reason for me to be investing time on short stories at the moment, so I re-prioritized my time and effort elsewhere. This goal will be dropping off my 2022 list.

16. Select two behaviors that I am opposed to and adopt them for one week, then write about my experiences on the blog.

Nothing accomplished in 2021, primarily because I found nothing new to adopt. After six years of meeting and exceeding this goal, I ran out of all the obvious choices.

17. Increase my newsletter subscriber base to 6,000 (from 4,497).

I added another 39 subscribers in December for a total of 5,134.

Not even close to the 6,000 that I had hoped.

18. Send a newsletter to readers at least 25 times (every other week). 

Two newsletters sent in December.

A total of 21 newsletters sent in 2021. Four shy of my goal.

19. Write at least six letters to my father.

Two letters in total sent in 2021. When my father stopped responding, the sending of new letters became more challenging.

20. Write 100 letters in 2021.

A total of 108 letters written and mailed in 2021. After four years of missing this total, I finally achieved the mark.

21. Convert 365 Days of Elysha into a book.

I’ve passed this task onto my production manager, Kaia. Given that I have no eye for design, she will ultimately do a better job than I ever could.

But not completed in 2021.

22. Complete and release my limited episode podcast on “Twenty-One Truths About Love.”

DONE. Completed and published. You can listen to the five episode series in the Speak Up Storytelling feed.

STORYTELLING/SPEAKING CAREER

23. Produce a total of 6 Speak Up storytelling events.

DONE!

A total of 8 shows produced in 2021.

24. Pitch myself to at least 3 upcoming TEDx events with the hopes of being accepted by one.

DONE! I pitched talks to TEDx events in New Haven, Boston University, and Salem University.

I await word.

I also delivered a talk at TEDx Berkshires on July 24. It went well. You can watch it here.

I’ll also be speaking at TEDxCornell in April.

25. Pitch myself to Master Class at least three times in 2021. 

Three pitches made in 2021. All were feeble attempts to crack through to the MasterClass production team via customer service and social media.

26. Attend at least 5 Moth events with the intention of telling a story.

DONE! I’ve performed in a total of six Moth events in 2021 – three live StorySLAMs, one virtual StorySLAM, and two virtual GrandSLAMs.

Including events where I didn’t perform, I attended a total of 11 Moth events in 2021.

27. Win at least one Moth StorySLAM.

I won three Moth StorySLAM’s in 2021. One virtual, one in Boston, and one in NYC.

I also won the story slam at the International Festival for Arts and Ideas in New Haven, Connecticut in June.

28. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.

DONE!

I won my seventh Moth GrandSLAM in May.

I9. Produce at least 25 episodes of our podcast Speak Up Storytelling.

A total of 14 episodes recorded in 2021. A combination of factors, including the challenges of teaching during a pandemic, my surgery, and my dumbness, caused us to record far fewer episodes than originally planned.

30. Perform stand-up at least 3 times in 2021.

As a result of the pandemic, I did not perform standup in 2021. Open mics dried up, and the opportunities to perform were in conditions that I did not consider safe.

31. Pitch at least three stories to This American Life.

No pitches made in 2021. I know two producers who would frequently as for pitches for the show, but none of those requests came in 2021.

32. Pitch myself to Marc Maron’s WTF podcast at least three times.

Three pitches made in 2021.

33. Produce at least 12 new videos for my YouTube channel in 2021. 

One video produced in 2021. But I’ve been recording content for a new business that I am launching with partners, so this had taken the place of my YouTube content foe now.

34. Explore a means of producing my storytelling instruction asynchronously for an online platform.

DONE! Partners found. Contracts signed. We are on our way!

HOME

35. Print, hang, and/or display at least 25 prints, photos, or portraits in our home.

Elysha has hung several pieces throughout the home, but not close to the 25 prints that I planned. Honestly, we might not end up hanging up all 25 pieces. More importantly, I’ve come to understand that I have no control over this goal. If I dared to try to put up even one piece of art on my own, Elysha would have my head.

36. Assemble an emergency preparedness kit.

DONE! I purchased a pre-packaged survival kit and have since been added needed items, including a seed kit, survival straws, emergency blankets, N-95 masks, duct tape, and some personal items.

37. Clear the basement.

The basement is much improved, but it’s hardly clear. I had planned to have someone clean out the basement completely this week, but my COVID diagnosis kept them from coming to the house.

FAMILY/FRIENDS

38. Call brother or sister once per week. 

I didn’t come close to hitting this mark. It’s one of my more disappointing failures in 2021.

39. Take at least one photo of my children every day.

I did an excellent job of meeting this goal in 2021, and I’m so glad I did.

40. Take at least one photo with Elysha and myself each week.

I only managed to complete this goal for about half of 2021. I’m really disappointed in myself about this.

41. Plan a reunion of the Heavy Metal Playhouse.

I did nothing to complete this goal in 2021.

42. I will not comment, positively or negatively, about physical appearance of any person save my wife and children, in 2021 in an effort to reduce the focus on physical appearance in our culture overall.

Done. Easily.

43. Surprise Elysha at least six times in 2021.

DONE! A total of 13 surprises in 2021.

In January, I surprised Elysha by sending flowers to her while at work on her birthday. They were reportedly some of the best flowers she has ever received.

In February, I surprised Elysha with a Pusheen knit hat. It was actually a replacement hat after the one I purchased for her birthday did not fit.

In May, I sent Elysha some especially awesome flowers that caused her colleagues to comment repeatedly about the quality of the arrangement.

In May, I surprised Elysha with weekend plans on Martha’s Vineyard for our anniversary.

In June, I surprised Elysha with Springsteen on Broadway tickets.

Also in June, I sent a cleverly designed card to her school, timed to arrive during the last week of classes.

Also in June, I cleaned the litter boxes for her during her last week of school when things got busy. Having cleaned the litter boxes for out last two cats, she’s agreed that this chore is hers for these cats.

In July, I surprised Elysha with a pile of anniversary presents after we agreed that our trip to Martha’s Vineyard would be our gift to each other.

In August, I surprised Elysha by signing her up for the Pusheen Fan Club. Every three months she will receive a box filled with Pusheen paraphernalia. In August it was beach-themed.

In September, I sent a vase of flowers on the first day of school to Elysha and a second vase of flower for her students.

In November, I sent a vase of flowers to Elysha while she was working. I honestly can’t recall the reason or occasion.

Also, Elysha’s next Pusheen Fan Club package arrived. Halloween themed. Four days after Halloween.

In December, I gave Elysha a Yankee Candle advent calendar. One small candle for the 24 days before Christmas. Naturally, Elysha – not knowing I was giving her an advent calendar – simultaneously gave me an advent calendar featuring Funko characters from The Office.

44. Play poker at least six times in 2021.

Two games in 2021. I scheduled at least 6 games in 2021, but the inability to find enough people to play cost me several games.

45. Spend at least six days with my best friend of more than 30 years.

Just one day in 2021. A wedding in May. I miss my friend and will need to do much better in 2022.

NEW PROJECTS

46. Play music in class.

Done. Featured artists in the 2021-2022 school year include Sam Cooke, Stevie Wonder, Tom Petty, ELO, CCR, Aretha Franklin, Bruce Springsteen, Queen, and Dolly Parton.

My students have really enjoyed the music.

47. Learn to play the piano by practicing at least three times a week. 

Done. I can’t actually play the piano yet, but I practiced as planned.

48. Convert our wedding video to a transferable format.

I’ve passed this assignment off to my production manager. Still not done.

49. Memorize 5 new poems.

I memorized “The Road Not Taken,” “Dust of Snow,” “This is Just to Say,” “Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night,” and “In Flanders Field.”

I’m so happy about this.

50. Write to at least 3 colleges about why they should hire me.

I did nothing to accomplish this goal, even though I very much wanted to.

51. Understand Instagram better.

I still don’t understand it very well.

52. Complete my Eagle Scout project.

I did nothing to accomplish this goal, even though I very much wanted to.

53. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog and social media on the first day of every month.

Done.

Eat a small fry

McDonald’s in Japan is experiencing a serious crisis:

A French fry shortage.

The company is unable to source enough potatoes, likely a result of recent flooding issues in Canada, a common point of transit. The problem is severe enough that McDonald’s recently charted three 747 planes full of potatoes to Japan in an effort to meet demand.

In response to the shortage, McDonald’s Japan has temporarily halted its sales of medium and large fries.

Here’s the thing:

You should never purchase a medium or large fry at McDonald’s. The small fry is vastly superior, for two reasons:

When you purchase a small fry, nearly every French fry in the bag is standing upright. This is good because it means no fry has been crushed. A medium or large fry will inevitable have a second and even third layer of fries beneath the top layer, and these lower level fries are being squashed under the weight of the fries on top, making them softer and soggier.

In a medium or large fry, the fries actually get worse as you eat.

Also, you don’t need more than a small fry. A small fry is just enough French fries to feel like you’ve enjoyed a French fry experience without the inevitable regret that comes with eating a larger size.

A small fry is 229 calories.

A large fry is 498 calories, or the equivalent of 2.21 small fries.

You’d be better off ordering two small fries instead of one large fry. The quality of the French fries would be vastly improved, and you’d still save yourself 50 calories in the process.

Or you could just order the small fry. It’s plenty. It will make you happy. I promise.

The Japanese are about to discover this firsthand.