Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 123
June 6, 2022
The plague of the unrequested pickle
I despise pickles. They are a despicable, hideous creation. They are also one of the only foods that are capable of contaminating their environment and ruining a perfectly good meal.
Open a jar of pickles and everything in the room will smell and even taste a little bit like a pickle.
Stick a pickle on a plate alongside a pile of French fries and a cheeseburger and you’ve likely contaminated the entire plate of food with the underlying taste of pickle.
Get a little pickle juice on your hand and it will smell like a pickle all day long.
This is why it’s crazy for restaurants to randomly place pickles on plates without any warning. I can’t tell you how many times my cheeseburger or hot dog has arrived with with unspoken pickle garnishing the plate.
A random food item placed alongside my meal without any warning.
What the hell is that?
Last week I ordered a sandwich at a local bakery. When I opened the styrofoam container 15 minutes later at my desk, I found my roast beef sandwich and potato chips sitting alongside an unrequested, unannounced, unwanted pickle. Four inches of vinegary ickiness.
I took one bite of my sandwich and tossed the entire meal away. Everything in that styrofoam container tasted like pickle.
What other food item is indiscriminately placed on a plate without any indication on the menu or by the waitstaff? What right do pickles have to this uninvited, unannounced, surprise status?
Who the hell do pickles think they are?
Finding an unannounced pickle on your plate is akin to finding a dollop of mashed potatoes, a cube of braised beef, or a scoop of vanilla ice cream alongside your chicken piccata. As a general practice, restaurants don’t place unannounced food items on our plates. We order what we want to eat, and that is what is ultimately delivered to the customer.
Except when it comes to the damn pickle.
Not everyone enjoys a pickle. Many people despise them at least as much as I do. Few foods can contaminate the environment around them like a pickle can.
This random, unannounced, surprise pickle must be brought to an end.
June 5, 2022
The truth, but not nearly the whole truth
I was interviewed by a reporter from Newington Life about my upcoming book “Someday Is Today.”
Available wherever you get books on Tuesday, June 7.
After the interview, Charlie popped into the room to say hello and get famous. The reporter asked Charlie what he and I like to do together.
“Mostly we beat each other up,” Charlie said. “Try to hurt each other. Then Dad jacks me up against the wall. Oh, and The Simpsons.”
It’s true, of course, but it’s not nearly the whole truth, and it’s not at all like it sounds.
Hopefully the reporter found his remarks amusing and charming and not the centerpiece of her story.
June 4, 2022
Three lessons from LBJ’s holiday offering
In December of 1967, Lyndon Johnson made an unscheduled, unannounced visit to the Vatican.
The visit was so unannounced that even the Pope Paul VI – recovering from a recent, undisclosed surgery – didn’t know he was coming.
The helicopter carrying President Johnson landed in the Vatican gardens, shocking the Pope and the residents of Vatican City since the gardens were not and still are not a designated landing site for helicopters or anything else.
The President’s helicopter essentially landed on the petunias.
After a reportedly tense and heated meeting about Vietnam (and perhaps the petunias), President Johnson and the Pope exchanged Christmas presents. The Pope gave LBJ an oil painting of the nativity scene dating back to the 15th century.
Must be nice to have an extra oil painting from the 15th century lying around in case you suddenly need a gift.
In return, President Johnson gave the Pope a bronze bust of himself.
Sculptured bronze in his own likeness.
Can you imagine what the Pope was thinking upon seeing this for the first time?
Lest the Pope feel especially honored to receive such a bizarre gift, LBJ actually had 200 of these busts made from various materials and spent the holiday season bestowing them upon world leaders and other important dignitaries.
All of this is to say that when someone shows up unannounced and uninvited to your home, just be happy they didn’t land their helicopter on your vegetable garden.
Also, when someone offers you a useless, inexplicable, thoughtless, or nonsensical gift, at least be happy that they aren’t leaving you with a statue in their own likeness.
Most importantly, if you ever find yourself in a position of power, be absolutely certain that you have people working for you who are willing and able to tell you when you’re acting like an idiot, and be sure to listen to those people.
June 3, 2022
A lesson ruined by a murder
I’m lying on my back beneath a pine tree alongside one of my students. It’s Field Day at my school, and we’re enjoying a break together. We’re staring into the branches and at the sky above. I’m talking to him about the benefits of spending time in forests and staring into trees.
To his credit, he’s listening intently.
Spending time looking into trees, I tell him, lowers blood pressure, reduces stress, improves your mood, increases your ability to focus, increases energy levels, and makes you happier.
There’s lots and lots of science behind this. I write about it in my upcoming book “Someday Is Today.”
In the midst of explaining all of these benefits to my student, a red-tailed hawk lands on the branch just above us.
“Wow!” my student says. “Look at that!”
A second later, smaller birds swoop in and begin harassing the hawk. I start to explain that smaller birds will chase, harass, and even attack hawks and larger birds as a means of protecting their babies.
“No kidding,” my student says. “Look.”
I shift my head a bit to see where he’s pointing. As if do, I bring the hawk into clearer view and see that it’s clutching a blue jay in its talons. A second later, it begins to tear into the blue jay with it’s beak, devouring the bird as smaller birds continue to fly between the branches and attack.
It’s a bloody scene. So bloody, in fact, that I ask a group of girls who are sitting directly beneath the hawk move themselves and their blankets in fear that viscera might drop down upon their heads. Just as they clear the space, the innards of the blue jay begin dropping to the ground. A large group of students gather and watch the carnage, alternating between shouts of excitement and groans of disgust.
Needless to say my lesson on improving brain chemistry was over.
Later, my student says to me, “Kind of weird that you were telling me how looking into trees can make me feel better, then a hawk lands and murders a blue jay right in front of us. Huh?”
Yes, it was.
Sometimes the universe makes it really hard to be a teacher.
June 2, 2022
Best barbecue guest
Elysha and I hosted a barbecue on Sunday. Our backyard and deck were filled with neighbors and friends. I had a joyous time for many reasons, but the one that will stand out for me will be the presence of Allison.
I first met Allison back in 1999 as a 7 year-old second grader in my very first class. When I moved from second to third grade at the end of that year, Allison moved with me, giving me the opportunity to teach her for a second year. Allison then moved onto other grade and other teachers. but I stayed close to her and her family as she moved up through and then out of elementary school.
When Allison became a teenager, she also became Clara’s first babysitter. As she got older and began attending college, she became one of our children’s primary caregivers, babysitting often and becoming a real member of our family.
Three years ago, I had the honor of officiating the marriage of Allison to her husband, Kieth.
She’s been in my life for a long, long time.
When Allison arrived at the barbecue on Sunday, she was eight months pregnant.
I can still see the second grade version of Allison, perpetually decked in a purple sweatshirt, sitting in my classroom, quiet, shy, and attentive. I can see that image in my mind’s eye like I taught her yesterday.
But on Sunday, she was sitting in a chair on my lawn, a grown woman, a month or so away from becoming a mother. Instead of teaching her to read and subtract, I was advising her and Keith to write to their child everyday like I did for my children.
Just a little bit every day, I told them, will mean the world to their child in the coming years.
It did for mine.
I also advised Keith to eat before going to the hospital. I failed to do so prior to the birth of Clara, so almost a full day passed between meals for me. This resulted in my collapse in a hospital hallway on my way to getting food two hours after Clara was born.
Before meeting Elysha at the hospital for the birth of Charlie, I stopped at a McDonald’s and ate two Quarter Pounders with Cheese.
I wasn’t taking any chances.
Great friends attended our barbecue on Sunday. New neighbors who we met for the first time. Old friends. Children from the neighborhood.
Also one former student turned friend and now soon-to-be mother.
The unexpected joys of teaching.
June 1, 2022
Resolution update: May 2022
1. Don’t die.
Happily healthy.
2. Lose 20 pounds.
I lost one pound in May. I’ve lost a whopping three pounds in 2022.
3. Do at least 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, and 3 one-minute planks for five days a week.
Done. Still not easy following my surgery and hiatus.
4. Cycle for at least 5 days every week.
I rode the bike for at least 5 days per week in May, including multiple rides on the actual bike and multiple rides on a single day.
5. Establish my golfing handicap, then lower that handicap by at least 2.
Handicap established at the beginning of the year was a whopping 35.4.
I dropped it down another point in May to 25.7, which is terrible but a lot lower than the start of the season.
Lessons scheduled for June.
WRITING CAREER6. Complete my seventh novel.
“Someday is Today” is complete. It hits bookstores on June 7. You should preorder immediately and make me happy. You’re running out of time.
I’ve submitted my golf memoir to my agent for consideration.
I’m well on my way to finishing the revision of my middle grade novel while tinkering with my next adult novel.
I’ve also partnered with a friend on a new book.
Between the middle grade novel and the new adult novel, one should be completed by the end of the year, I hope.
7. Prepare “Storyworthy 2” or update “Storyworthy” or both for potential sale.
Done! Decisions on the next book being strategized now.
8. Write/complete at least three new picture books, including one with a female, non-white protagonist, and one protagonist who is not neurotypical.
I continue work on a new picture book entitled “Hug a Fish.” I’m creating the actual book alongside my students, who are also creating their own. It features a female, non-white protagonist.
I’m also working on a partially written manuscript from 2021 entitled “Who Put the Baby in a Tree?”
9. Complete a memoir.
I have two memoirs in progress:
One about the two year period when I was arrested, jailed, and tried for a crime I did not commit, which also led to homelessness then a pantry off a kitchen that I shared with a goat. I was also the victim of a horrific robbery at that time that left me with a lifetime of PTSD amongst other awfulness.
Also participation in an underground arm wrestling and gambling ring.
The second is about the two year period in which a lowly band of anonymous cowards attempted to destroy my teaching career.
I’m strategizing with my agent over which to write first.
I wrote about 5,,000 words between the two manuscripts in May.
10. Write a new screenplay.
I spoke to my writing partner, who has been derailed from our project by several projects. We hope to resume writing soon.
11. Write a solo show.
I’m working on a solo show based upon my arrest and trial for a crime I didn’t commit, but I have another idea:
List all the things I’ve ever stolen on a chalkboard and then tell a story about each one. Cleverly construct a narrative that encompasses all the stories.
12. Write a musical.
Outline received from my writing partner, Kaia. We plan to work on the project this summer, using the memoir pages to inform the work.
13. Submit at least five Op-Ed pieces to The New York Times for consideration.
One essay submitted to the New York Times in May for consideration. Rejected.
One essay also submitted to the Hartford Courant. Awaiting word.
Four essays submitted so far to the New York Times in 2022.
14. Write at least four letters to my father.
First letter started.
15. Write 100 letters in 2022.
A total of 24 letters written in May, including letters to students, colleagues, storytellers, one of my children’s doctors, and letters of gratitude to four of my former teachers for Teacher Appreciation Day. Happily, I’ve already exchanged letters with of them and will be having lunch with another in July.
A total of 73 letters written in 2022 so far.
16. Convert 365 Days of Elysha into a book.
I’ve passed this project onto my production manager, but she’s busy with other things at the moment.
17. Read at least 12 books.
I read the following books in May:
“Making Numbers Count” by Chip Heath and Carla Starr
“Poetics” by Aristotle
“The Office BFFs” by Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey
This brings my total number of books read to 9.
I’m currently reading six books:
“Telephone” by Percival Everett
“Think Like a Monk” by Jay Shetty
“Index: A History Of The” by Dennis Duncan
“In the Great Green Room: The Brilliant and Bold Life of Margaret Wise Brown” by Amy Gary
“The Areas of My Expertise” by John Hodgman
“The Groucho Letters”
I may abandon one or more of these books because I am not enjoying them.
My list of completed books now includes:
“Poetics”
“The Office BFFs”
“Making Numbers Count”
“The Passion Economy”
“Empire of Pain”
“The Anthropocene Reviewed”
“Liar’s Poker”
“Matrix”
“Coreyography”
18. Write to at least six authors about a book that I especially like.
Letters written to Stephen King and Michael Lewis in April.
Two letters so far.
STORYTELLING/SPEAKING CAREER19. Complete the recordings for my new business for at least two target consumers.
Recording for the first set of target consumers (corporate folk) is nearly done. I expect that I’ll need to record a few more to fill in some gaps, but the work is on the precipice of completion.
Once we launch, I will begin recording videos for our next target customer.
I’ve also decided to skip the whisper room – a pre-fab recording studio for the basement – and simply finish the basement, including an office and recording studio for me. We had a contractor out last week and are awaiting the estimate.
20. Engage with LinkedIn at least once per week.
Success! I received more than a dozen direct messages in May and responded to each of them. Two were recruiters looking to land me a new job.
I like my current job very much.
I also posted twice on the platform.
21. Produce a total of 6 Speak Up storytelling events.
We produced a virtual show in March in collaboration with my school on March 19.
My book launch event – featuring lots of storytelling – will take place on June 17.
We have a live, outdoor show scheduled on July 13 in partnership with the Hill-stead Museum.
I’ll be producing a show in conjunction with a storytelling weekend workshop at The Mount on July 15-17.
We’ll be producing “Red Talks: Presented by Confessions of a Mensturator” on October 8.
I’ll also be producing a show in conjunction with a storytelling weekend workshop at Copper Beech Institute on October 28-30.
Our annual Voices of Hope show is scheduled for November 6.
We’ll be scheduling additional shows soon. Venues are ready, willing, and anxious for us to return.
22. Pitch myself to at least 3 upcoming TEDx events with the hopes of being accepted by one.
Done!
I pitched to a total of five TEDx conferences back in April.
One has passed on my pitch. Awaiting word from the other four.
I also spoke at TEDxCornell in April. Video will be available in a couple months.
I’ve also helped three clients get accepted to TEDx conference this year.
23. Attend at least 6 Moth events with the intention of telling a story.
Done! I competed in a Moth GrandSLAM in NYC in May.
Six Moth events so far in 2022.
24. Win at least one Moth StorySLAM.
DONE! I won the February StorySLAM in New York.
25. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.
Done! I won two!
I won Boston’s Moth GrandSLAM at The Wilbur on April 26.
I won New York City’s Moth GrandSLAM at The Music Hall of Williamsburg on May 16.
It was my eighth and ninth GrandSLAM championships.
26. Produce at least 12 episodes of our podcast Speak Up Storytelling.
Recording was going to commence in February and March. The recording of the audiobook of “Someday Is Today” instead replaced our podcasting time for a while.
Recording was going to commence in April and then in May, but recording for other things filled that time.
June? We’ll record in June? I hope…
27. Convert my YouTube channel into an actual channel.
Progress! My production manager has begun to structure and re-design the channel, and I’ve been accumulating content for release. I’m also been curating the content, removing material that is no longer relevant.
Almost ready to declare this goal complete.
28. Perform stand-up at least 3 times in 2022.
I have a list of open mics that are currently running in Connecticut. More than enough to resume. This will likely be a summer goal.
29. Pitch a story to This American Life.
Done! I pitched one story to This American Life in April.
30. Pitch myself to Marc Maron’s WTF podcast at least three times.
One pitch made in May. The second in 2022.
No response.
31. Send a newsletter to readers at least 25 times (every other week).
Three newsletters sent in May. A total of 13 sent so far in 2022. Ahead of schedule.
HOME32. Clear the basement.
The job is about 80% complete. Huge progress. The basement is officially organized. I need to eliminate many, many things from the basement now, which may require a dumpster. Or perhaps simply placing them on the front yard and waiting for folks to take them.
Summertime chore.
The finishing of the basement might increase the urgency of this project.
33. Organize the children’s books.
Books have been removed from the kids’ bedrooms and remain divided into three bins:
Keep in rotation for kids/studentsStore for future grandchildren (now stored in the basement)Give away to those in needI’ve been slowly emptying the giveaway bin. Progress remains solid.
FAMILY/FRIENDS34. Text or call brother or sister once per month.
Done.
35. Take at least one photo of my children every day.
Done.
36. Take at least one photo with Elysha and myself each week.
No photos taken of just Elysha and me in 2022
I’m still a giant failure, particularly given that Elysha is so damn pretty.
37. Plan a reunion of the Heavy Metal Playhouse.
No progress.
38. I will not comment, positively or negatively, about physical appearance of any person save my wife and children, in 2022 in an effort to reduce the focus on physical appearance in our culture overall.
Done. Someone mentioned on social media this week that they’ve also adopted this policy.
39. Compliment one person every day on a topic unrelated to physical appearance.
This turns out to be easier than I thought, at least as long as I’m teaching. I constantly give my students positive feedback, and I compliment my own children and Elysha quite a bit.
In addition to complimenting my students and family, I also complimented two colleagues, the parents of two students, two clients, a baseball coach, a neighbor, and many storytellers at the Moth GrandSLAM.
Once summer comes and I’m not seeing students 5 days a week, I’ll need to be more purposeful with this goal
40. Surprise Elysha at least six times in 2022.
Done!
One surprise in May:
Flowers sent to Elysha on May 10, which is Mother’s Day in Mexico.
She deserved a second Mother’s Day.
Surprises in 2022 also include:
A well timed Starbucks caramel macchiatoThe latest Pusheen Club box, filled with an assortment of movie-themed Pusheen gifts.A complete set of Smith College chinaA card on her dashboard following a less than ideal April vacation.A surprise visit to her classroom on an especially challenging day to bring her a cupcake.A card mailed to her school with thoughts of encouragement and love, written by “The Universe.”A planned weekend getaway (later this summer) for her and a friend to Water’s Edge, a resort and spa on the coast of Connecticut.That’s eight surprises so far in 2022.
41. Play poker at least six times in 2022.
Two games in total in 2022. I was invited to another game in Boston but could not make it.
42. Spend at least six days with my best friend of more than 30 years.
No progress.
NEW PROJECTS43. Create an emergency preparedness kit for each car.
No progress.
44. Memorize the lyrics to at least 5 favorite songs.
I’ve officially learned the words to “Fat Bottomed Girls.” I’m close to locking in “Come On Eileen.”
I’m now working on “Mr. Blue Sky” by ELO.
45. Learn to play the piano by practicing at least three times a week.
Done.
46. Convert our wedding video to a transferable format.
Another task passed off to my production manager, who has been working on it.
47. Memorize 5 new poems.
I considered memorizing “Casey at the Bat” or “The Charge of the Light Brigade,” and I may still try one or both, but they are long, and I wanted one a little shorter to start, so I’m still working on “I’m Nobody! Who Are You?” by Emily Dickinson.
I also made a list of poems that I’ve committed to memory, to ensure they remain committed to memory through occasional practice.
48. Write to at least 3 colleges about why they should hire me.
No progress.
49. Understand Instagram better.
Progress! My intern and I has a conversation, where she taught me about Instagram Stories and Reels. Huzzah!
I suspect that there is more to know, but who better to teach me than a high school senior?
50. Complete my Eagle Scout project.
I started plotting the completion of this task in February. I’m considering moving the project from Blackstone, MA to something more local, but I’m still working on it.
A recent blog post on this subject garnered me many willing volunteers.
51. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog and social media on the first day of every month.
Done.
May 31, 2022
Know-nothings doing nothing
The next time a know-nothing lawmaker like Ted Cruz argues that the solution to school shootings – which only happen in the United States with this level of frequency and lethality – is to harden the schools with locked doors, single entrances, trip wires (a real Republican suggestion) and armed guards (always described as volunteer retirees because to suggest we pay these people to protect our schools would require an increase in taxes), please ask the lawmaker:
What about recess? Are you keeping children indoors at all times now?
What will you do when children exit the school to board school buses, meet their parents, and walk home?
Do you plan on installing bulletproof glass on every window of every school in America?
Do you plan on eliminating windows altogether, since in most schools, a single pane of glass is the only thing preventing a person from gaining access to the building?
Do you plan on installing door locks that cannot be disabled by a bullet fired from a military grade assault rifle on every outside door at every school in America?
These are just the logistical questions that need to be asked. Every single one of their stupid proposals falls apart with issues as simple as recess and windows and dismissal.
In terms of policy, the questions to ask are these:
Why must you be 21 years old under federal law to purchase a handgun (and alcohol) (and tobacco) but only 18 years old to purchase a high-capacity, semi-automatic, military grade assault rifle and hundreds of rounds of ammunition?
If mental health is the largest part of the problem, why did Governor Greg Abbot of Texas (who has made this very claim in response to the murder of children and teachers in Uvalde) cut spending on mental health last year by $211 million? And why hasn’t Congress responded swiftly and decisively with increased spending on mental health?
What are you going to do in response to the looming, massive teacher shortage that you now face given that Americans in large numbers have stopped choosing teaching as their profession because, among other injustices and stupidities, the job is just too damn dangerous?
It’s incredible how know-nothing, power hungry liars will propose every possible solution to this problem except the one that polling indicates that the vast majority of Americans wants:
Sensible, reasonable, common sense gun reform.
May 30, 2022
Clara and The Hobbit
Clara was not pleased. We had finished reading the Harry Potter series and had decided to move onto “The Hobbit” and eventually The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
She was having none of it. She had gone online, read a review from some obvious moron, and decided that “The Hobbit” wasn’t for her. A girl who might know more about mythology than nearly any other human being under the age of 20 won’t like a story based on, among other things, Norse mythology?
An argument ensued. She shouted. I spoke in clear, measured tones. I explained how joyous the last two years had been, gathering as a family and reading the Harry Potter books together. Watching the films side by side. Going to see The Cursed Child on Broadway. Visiting pottermore.com so we could be assigned to our Hogwarts’ houses and wands.
There had been Harry Potter gifts at birthdays and Christmas. Hogwarts on Minecraft. Spell books. Endless conversation.
She was still having none of it. She told me to stop trying to make her feel guilty. She told me that she had the right to skip the book if she wanted. She told me to leave her alone.
Eventually, we reached a compromise. I would read the first chapter of “The Hobbit” to Elysha and Charlie in the living room, and she would sit on the stairs, two rooms away, ready to escape at the moment she found the story unpalatable.
I needed to do what I had done nearly two years ago when I convinced her to join us for Harry Potter:
Read loud enough, enthusiastically enough, and with enough emotion to convince her that “The Hobbit” was an excellent story.
Thankfully, Rowling had made it easy by writing a first chapter filled with mystery and delight.
Happily, Tolkien had done the same by writing a first chapter filled with humor and surprise.
I read loudly. I read with lots and lots of emotion. I read with a heart filled with hope.
A couple minutes into the story, I heard Clara giggle. A second later, a genuine laugh. When I heard Clara again, a minute or so later, she had apparently moved from the stairs to the kitchen. A couple minutes after that, she strolled into the room and sat down in her customary seat on the couch.
She was hooked.
To her credit, she admitted that she was wrong to pass judgment so quickly.
Despite this acknowledgement, I suspect that she’ll do the same thing to me again in the future.
If so, I’ll be there, ready to put nearly a quarter century of reading aloud to students to work again, not as much reading as performing the hell out the story in hopes of enchanting her once again.
Of all the good things I have done as a father over the years, I think that hooking Clara into these books and thereby including her in all of our family adventures might be my single greatest achievement.
Keeping her fed and housed has been pretty great, too.
May 29, 2022
Take your child on a trip via Google Maps
Brilliant idea from Elysha:
Last week she used Google Earth to take Charlie on a tour of all of the places where she has lived throughout her life, complete with descriptions of each locale and stories about each location.
What a wonderful thing to share with your child, particularly if you’ve lived in a variety of homes throughout your life. Charlie listened with rapt attention. Asked lots of questions. Learned so much. Laughed a lot.
I often think about the black box that my parents’ lives have been to me. When my parents got divorced when I was about eight years old, I quickly lost touch with my father, so most of his life – childhood, his tour in Vietnam, meeting my mother, the birth of his children, his work history, his successes and failures – has been lost to me. I’ve tried to fill in gaps over the years through occasional letters and even less occasional face-to-face meetings, but I’ll never have all of my questions answered.
My mother passed away in 2007. When she died, every single one of her untold stories died with her. My protagonist, Michael, in “The Other Mother,” is dealing with the death of a parent and describes the loss as a hard drive crashing. All of the data contained within a human being is lost forever upon their death. If you failed to backup any of that data before the crash, you can never get it back.
Michael was speaking for me on those pages, expressing exactly how I feel about the loss of my mother and the thousands of unanswered questions that will be forever be unanswered.
It’s probably one of the reasons I write relentlessly and tell so many stories – on stages and the dinner table.
I’m backing up my data as quickly as I can.
This is why I love Elysha’s idea so much.
I’ll be going through the same Google Earth tour with Clara and Charlie at some point soon, traveling virtually through the Massachusetts towns of Blackstone, Attleboro, Brockton, and Whitman, the Connecticut towns of Vernon, West Hartford, and Newington, and even the towns of Silver Springs, Maryland, which I spent four months sleeping in a walk-in closet, and a parking lot in Somerville, Massachusetts where I spent about six weeks of homelessness.
Lots and lots of stories attached to all of those places.
I can’t wait to share them all. I just hope they want to hear them all.
If you have a child, I recommend you do the same.
May 28, 2022
I’m rich!
Exciting news! I’m rich!
The website allfamousbirthday.com has a page dedicated to me, and the information listed is quite surprising.
The website accurately lists my educational background, birthday, place of birth, and all eight books that I’ve published, but it also says:
“Matthew Dicks is one of the richest American novelists & listed on most popular American novelist. According to our analysis, Wikipedia, Forbes & Business Insider, Matthew Dicks net worth is approximately $1.5 million.”
This was exciting news. I immediately opened my banking app to see if something had changed overnight. Perhaps unexpected royalties from one of my international publishers had landed in my account in a size never before seen, but alas, the amount of money we have remained the same.
I thought about adding up all of our retirement accounts, equity in our home, brokerage accounts, and the kid’s piggy banks, but that seemed like a lot of effort for little reward.
The website also states:
“According to our records, Matthew Dicks is possibly single & has not been previously engaged. As of December 2021, Matthew Dicks’s is not dating anyone.”
Perhaps I should check with Elysha to see if something has happened resulting in me becoming unknowingly single, but I think I would’ve at least been served papers if that were the case. Also, I know I’ve been previously engaged, so that bit of information is absolutely inaccurate. In fact, my proposal – made on the steps at Grand Central Station – was witnessed by about two dozen of our friends who were hiding in the holiday crowd.
Admittedly Elysha never said yes. She only wept. But she then proceeded to plan a wedding and marry me, so I’ve always assumed her tears indicated a yes and we were engaged.
Technically, I’m not dating anyone at the moment, since I’m married, though if that’s the case, the last time I dated someone was way back in 2004 when I started dating Elysha.
Long before the December 2021 date stated in the website.
I wondered if this website was an outlier, so I Googled “Matthew Dicks net worth” and found many, many websites that all seem to agree that my net worth is somewhere between $1.5 and $2.5 million.
I know it’s been said, many, many times, that you can’t trust anything tat the internet says, and that is true, of course. But when so many websites seem to agree on the same piece of inaccurate information, you start to see how false information can spread and become a reality for so many people.
In this case, the information thankfully isn’t damaging (unless the IRS audits me), but the you can see how the spread of disinformation and lies can become cemented in the minds of others if spoken or written enough.
If only these websites would spread the kind of disinformation that I would enjoy. Things like:
Reading Matthew Dicks’s novels makes you more attractive.
Most people purchase Matthew Dicks’s books by the baker’s dozen because they make the best gifts that a loved one could ever receive.
Matthew Dicks intentionally plays golf poorly in order to help boost his friend’s long suffering egos.
When Matthew Dicks tells a joke in a standup routine that doesn’t get a laugh, it’s always because the audience was distracted at that moment by some idiot in the crowd or perhaps the appearance of a spaceship.
Matthew Dicks’s wife, Elysha Dicks, finds him completely and wholly irresistible at each and every moment of the day and night.
Nothing wrong with disinformation if it
